Nicki Koziarz: The Best Decisions to Make When Life Is Hard

So when your sister was dying.

I know what I felt to give it out. If God existed.

Now I remember it was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through and I doubted if he was good for a while.

We see someone you love so much suffer at a young age, and with four children that she was leaving behind it shakes you to the core and 90 felt like all the prayers I was praying, I wondered if they were even being heard, because everything seemed to go the opposite way that all of us live there somewhere living there right now so the foregoing today. Welcome to family life to day where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find is that family life to day.com or on our family life, family life today with Nikki goes yours in the studio with this, but at very low today.

Welcome.

Thank you guys so much for having me as an honor to be here that I made her sit over there.

Like all great so you know you've written a book called flooded, which is really all read the subtitle the five best decisions to make when life is hard and doubt is rising even with Proverbs 31 ministries. How many years I think it's been almost 15 years now and you're married have three daughters yes yeah but you get what goats and horses now go go get the fixer-upper farm. When this is your house fix it up. Always something's always broken. We bought the farm about nine years ago was foreclosed and so everything was broken and so we just started calling it the fixer-upper farm is when I joined again the bonds that hold fixer-upper show us that we are lightweight we don't fixer-upper house.

We had a whole farm know you always like a farm girl me.

Did you one that absolutely not. I could not even keep my girls beta fish alive.

They went away for the weekend and I killed it. So the fact that I run a whole farm but like twentysomething animals. Now is their goal to God and to me is impressive actually yearbook flight. It is interesting because it's the story of Noah as well. Hard to come up with a title called flooded when you talk about Noah and the flood.

Well, you know, interesting little tidbit about that title. I was actually sitting with the president of Proverbs 31 ministries Lisa Turner cursed and she's the best book brainstorm title person ever and we were actually trying to come up with a name for the Bible study. First we thought is to have a different name and I just looked at her and is like no maybe something like flooded and she was like the perfect maiden so you open the book you read it. I want to hear what you have the say about it but you say I wrote these words through the suicide of my brother worldwide pandemic a national race crisis plus a dozen other hard personal things. So from the very beginning we know were were on a ride. Walk us through what that was like for you. Talk about a Valley you you are in it. Yeah, just take us back there. I started writing the first words and October 2019 and it was arty just a really hard season because my mom had just recently passed away. She had a brain tumor and I went through six months and taking care of her and it was just what I considered one of the hardest things I never walked through like right there for your girls at that time when your mom was so they were 1715 and 13. Yeah, it was a really really tough season. My mom was only 62 on you close with her. Yes he had a literal close by, and she was a four-time breast cancer survivor and so when she got this diagnosis of this brain tumor. I really believed she was going to be debts because I had so went through that was still just really grieving. That whole process and year after my mom died, my brother started to decline. He had struggled with mental health and addiction for about 10 years old or young, and he's four years older than me and he lived in Seattle Washington was married, had three children and just very quickly declined and tried to commit suicide for different times over that year and on the fifth time he did not come through happens in October and then got home from all of that and our horse died, and for those of you that are horse people listen you can feel the pain and that and then just several other very significant hard things hit and then boom February 2020 rolls around and pandemic hits the world and life as we all knew it was flipped upside down in that moment.

So Nikki for you like you are not facing just one thing you're facing multiple things did that shake you as it did me when you you floss to people that are so close and dear to you.

How did that shake you what was it like it was very hard because before the age of 40. I would lose half of my immediate family that's hard thing to swallow, but you know I realized in the process of working through this flooded the book actually took a very drastic turn when all that happened I had an essentially originally started to write about like grief and loss, because Noah definitely experienced all that I thought that's what the book was going to be about the God was like no go, and even harder direction in the writing of the book actually became very therapeutic for me because I literally was sitting at my computer in tears just getting off the plane from burying my brother and I'm writing these words and I'm sitting in my home during those two weeks the quarantine when the whole country shut down thinking about Noah with his family and the ark. I'm writing that portion of the book is a little too real.

I think I am grateful because it allowed me to step into a place in my pains that I can understand other people's pain and sometimes as leaders we have to go first. Unfortunately reading about and studying Noah his life, his faithfulness to God helped you walk through this absolutely was there you like.

When I ask him if she doubted God's existence to do struggle with Dell it's in your subtitle fungus of baby yes, I did not doubt God's existence either.

That was not where I went down to his goodness, and that's a real struggle.

I think a lot of people have when they're walking through something really hard. It looks like God is good to the rest of the world. But when the hard days just keep stacking and stacking and stacking and you're looking at your friend whose life just seems to, you know, seemingly just go flawless and she has a few bumps here and there, but I think everyone listening can think of a time in your life where you just felt like asking God like please fight can you stop at the hard things for just a second. I can we just get through you a couple months of just goodness.

And when that doesn't calm. That's where I do think that our faith can become on the edge of what I called teetering between disbelief and unbelief and unbelief is where we don't want to go because that's when we do really not believe in God anymore, but disbelief I really wanted to normalize that in this message because it is it is a very common thing to be like.

But why and how calm and why are you not changing this story when I'm asking you to change it again and again. I remember thinking and saying to cottages makes sense.

Yes, I don't see any point of why this could be a good thing right leaving her for signs just didn't make sense to me. And so to have those conversations with God. That's an interesting way to put it is disbelief starting to? What's the plaintiff that you to answer the question if you get to the point of disbelief what your answer. I think it's time to really turn the truth and even right now in our world, it seems like everything is upside down right like every time we open up our phones. There's more bad news or discouraging news or shocking news and he says and then about not making sense we have to understand that there are things on this side of eternity that will never make sense to the human mind, and a lot of what you know the world is experiencing right now we cannot explain and I think we have to stop trying to explain God away like people would say to me with very good intentions. I want to mention that things like oh you know heaven just needed another angel or you God to heal your brother, just not the way that you wanted him to write and all those things I know come from the best place inside of people, but that's not the story that was unfolding before me. I had prayed in belief or something and I didn't see it. And so when we don't see it.

We have two options. We can turn away and go. He didn't do it for me. He doesn't rather people allow I'm out here or we can turn to truth and we can say this is what the word of God says and this is where I'm going to build my life and this is where I'm gonna stand even when I question. It's not our questions for God that messes up our faith is our questioning of God. And there's a big difference so he can handle our doubts he can handle our questions.

He can handle our fears, our worries are complaints are grumbling. All that we can bring into the throne room of God and he's like, bring it in here.

Let's wrestle this time we see Jacob you literally wrestling with God in the Scriptures and literally yeah and there are times when we got a wrestle down our faith and we gotta say okay I didn't see this, but this is where I stand. While I think that's what happened to me as well because you hear so many stories and you can see all will that happen.

Look but look at the beauty that came out of it.

You tie the perfect bow around it right but for my circumstance, there was no boat and there still is and I still don't get it, you know, and so I think you're right.

We may not get it, but we have an option of either turning away from God as he said, returning to God and I love that your book is so practical because you talk, even at the beginning about walking with God. What does that look like and so that's one of your first principles. So let's go there a little bit.

How do we walk with God in the midst of maybe being hurt, doubtful, angry, how do we put that into action don't really feel it when I study the life of Noah.

I saw a pattern with him. God commanded Noah obeyed God commanded Noah beta says it repeatedly in the Scriptures, and we know anytime we see something repeated in Scripture that is a big like pay attention to this. Okay. And so I thought that for a long time and I realized that every action that Noah took whether it was to build the ark bring the animals into the ark, bring the food bring his wife and their children. It was all a decision right that stem from the action.

It was like this place were Noah was literally so in tune with the voice of God that if God said, take a step left, he went left and if God said, take a step right. He went right like Nola was to sell into with God every single day that was like this communion that they shared every day together. The reality is, this is our decision. We can go to charge that Bible study we can sign up for all these programs and listen to podcasts and all the things that it is our decision to decide that working a lot with God. Nobody can make that decision for us and actually say in the first chapter I was a little bit nervous about being a little blunt. Like, but I feel like I need to say it. I said, you are actually the greatest mass you're ever in October, you and what you mean by that.

Sometimes we look at life amigo. I only had this or if I only had that and if God would just do this or do that. Really, it's us were sinners were messed up people and were looking to everything else for solutions and God is saying the list start with you. Let's look at you and so we have to have responsibility when it comes to our relationships with God, like our pastor can't do that for us. I can't do that for you.

It's a decision you have to make and so when we talk about walking with God.

That's what it means like it's that daily decision of God, even when this doesn't make sense. I'm to stay in your presence and to follow your promises and I'm in a ground myself and your truth every single day. So here you are just lost your brother. You're starting to write this book you're still reeling from the pain of everything your mom you have your girls, how did you walk that out because when you said that like Nola is so in tune with God, he would hear and obey. I want to make our listeners like I want that, but how did you do it I can in this first step would that look like this messy. Let's just be really honest in a season where you just walk there suicide was someone it was messy okay and so some days that look like me driving down the road just bawling my eyes out. Just thank God I don't understand this, but I know you're with me and then putting that worship music on and just letting God's presence soak in my life. Other times it was me flat on my face and my my office like I literally about to call my publisher up and say you got the wrong girl for this assignment and they probably would've understood right, like all major loss so sometimes it look like that. Other times it looks like, my friend. Her name's Christie and Christie loves me enough to not let me stay stuck in that place of doubt and fear and sometimes I would just call her up and say I get me out of this funk like preach me out of this way, you know. And so it looks different for everyone that you have to decide that you're going to do whatever it takes to get back to that place with God. You have to desire it, and you have to want it and it doesn't always come naturally. I want to affirm that over someone who's just experienced a huge loss in your life, you may not want that right now. I remember soon after my sister passed away driving and I remember talking to God and I just would talk to him all the time and member saying that I feel nothing I feel nothing. I don't feel your presence. I don't feel your pleasure and feel joy I feel like my heart is shut down in its non-I want you know this is where I am and I need you desperately need you to meet me.

I need you to be with me. I need to experience you and then I would be to still and I didn't have a miraculous I wanted some careless moment you know what is playing like I wanted that and I've had those things happen in the past, but in this instance, it was just this daily just talking to God. The worship music was huge for me as well.

I couldn't sing it because I felt like my heart was so shattered that there is something so soothing about the words and the music did my heart good. Worship music is one of our greatest weapons against the warfare that we face and I just encourage you like, whenever were in a season where doubt is really time to write a bad story in our last of going to that place of unbelief, but that worship music on and you you're right you don't have sing, let those words to seeing over you and your spirit and just watch the power of God moved in your life was interesting to hear the two of you talk about walking with God because in some ways releases what I heard is like Noah, you are obeying, even when you don't want to do today but I'm going to today I'm going to obey and go through the walk because this is what I have to do is right, absolutely. And let's be real. Noah probably did not want to obey God. Okay, sure he wasn't like this is the greatest assignment ever talk about hard place of wanting to obey God.

And I'm sure there's many days where he was just getting out of bed just going to get the wood just doing what he had to do that day and time's grief and hard things. That's what it looks like it's just us going through the motions and just doing the thing that's in front of us that day. So you're exactly right when you reverse the decision is walk with God. Your second was listen to God. What's the difference with the house that flush itself up. Okay what can I give you an example: three daughters that live in the house and you know girls have a lot of shoes as they do, and for some reason in the fixable farmhouse. My girls just love to throw their shoes everywhere and sometimes I will just get into that motor Mike, I just want my house in order and sell a call upstairs and say hey girls, can y'all come help me pick up your shoes and try to get the house cleaned up silence thing is coming is a you know I'm just walking around doing my thing and thinking there come in any second and then you know I got is stairs and I say a little bit louder girls come get your shoes I need them up now.

Nothing silent. Whatever brochure they get. I go to the stairs and I say something like girls you know and pick up issues bones away and that is like Mary Poppins, fingers and all this and they all appear the top of the stairs and they will come stomping down the stairs like okay you don't yell at me, hard to say which time did you hear me like the first third. There's a difference between hearing and listening right like it took that threat for them to listen and to follow through with what I asked them to do. Don't you wish that, just yell at you when I'm a lot easier. I think we are sometimes like waiting for this loud like you had the door bell to ring and like the answer just to be right there. Or, you know, sometimes, will open up our phone will go to social medium, like a summons to pay something that is just what I need yeah I just need to hear today is absolutely he does that. But you know I think if we feel like God is being quiet is time for us to get quiet because God is never the one who stopped speaking.

We're the ones who stop listening. There are times we do need to become very intentional and you talk about some of the spiritual disciplines in the Christian faith and one of those disciplines is silence and no we only teach that the church anymore. I don't know why and we teach people how to pray and study the Bible and read the Bible, but man's solitude and silence is something we see Jesus model and it's something that we need to experience in our lives to because we live in a really loud world. And so there are times where we just really need to get quiet and just listen to what God is saying to us through his Word through worship and through prayer. How did listening for you. Hope you walk through your valley well there were times where God was saying things and I wasn't listening and not just the truth that Steven and Wilson with Nikki cozy ours on family life. The day will hear how listening to God help her through her valley in just a minute, but first if you've been listening to family life today. You know how important it is to be a family on mission. We believe that God calls us into community and to serve each other with the abundance of resources that he is blessed us with. As Ecclesiastes 49 says two are better than one. Right now there are two ways that you could partner with family life to impact lives for his kingdom versus if you feel led to start a small group we want to offer you a discount on all leader materials with the code 25 off. That's 250 FF. The second way is to partner with us financially to help us achieve our fiscal year end goal to help equip families to move toward oneness practical resources.

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And that season like sometimes.

For me the listening part was simply just the obeying and the stepping into it during those hard seasons, there was still assignments that God had given me to do. I mean, I had to write a book.

I had other things that I had committed to and I need to listen to God. Say you have my strength with you. You have my power you have my authority with you.

And so it wasn't like God and I were sitting you know in the morning at 5 o'clock you have in this great conversation like this these really simple things. Again, all grounded in truth, God wasn't saying things to me that don't align with his word that's never how God speaks to us and so is just going back to his promises.

And that became part of my listening to God process in those really hard places now. On the flipside, there are times where I do need direction in ministry and life and you guys know that right so when were walking through something hard listening to God can be really really simple and it she says like you have my strength.

You have my glory, honor all those things but then there's other times where we do need his wisdom, and you know James tells us that if any of us lacks wisdom, we can come to him and he will give it to us, but do we want to hear the answer will obey. It can go in the midst of hard things or even the messages like big decisions in everyday things. There's different ways that we can learn to listen to God, you know, back in the boiler no 80s your little young for you used your just a little CB radios yeah were thinking cars. Remember that you absolutely, and if I won the big CB go and brother was and when you pick up the thing he would say, you know, breaker, breaker 19 you got your ears on good buddy that was like yeah I've always rover that phrases like you just try to say goodbye. Listen if you are absent to say that I thought this sort of God. Soon, are you listening, you have ears on good buddy because I'm about to send you message that I always preach this. I don't know if anybody remembered it, but I'm acrostic sky so he said God speaks to us through the puce people sent to use often the church right so use it as I said because we always think it's going to be this audible voice which are nothing to do that, but often it isn't right. Puce transfer.

He often will use a person. People could use your kid could use your pastor could use a good friend like you said when you call.

You just need God speaking to a person use events or circumstances. Often he's lining things up and you send in a message but again we don't ever ears.

We miss it.

The W was word of God. He often uses the word of God to speak. I can't tell you I'm sure you have sing spiritually open were go in a life situation like oh my goodness this is exactly what I need to know today and then the S is the Holy Spirit can nudge can give us a note and say here's what I need to go. Here's what you need to know on the site tomorrow. I have the key is because it's a really good way to remember that God's only speaking he's just doing it in different ways between looking and I like that to I keep speaking we just need to listen yeah and here is a really good example. Can we get back and add that into your write a book called sitting in the pew. Listen, I like that idea you been listening to David and with Nikki cozy ours on family life to day book is called flooded the five best decisions to make when life is hard and doubt is rising, you can order a copy@familylifetoday.com you ever wonder about where that line is between what's constructive criticism was actually tearing someone down and Wilson's words feel so relatable to me.

She says how many times have I use my words to tear Dave down and to destroy him. Thinking I was actually helping him and doing him good. When all the time I had this power of influence to be able to speak life into him while your relationship.

Use a shift toward using words to respect and cherish each other.

I know mine could check out marriage studies@familylifethata.com and use the code 25 off to save today and beef up your communication so your marriage becomes more life-giving for both of you tomorrow. David and Wilson will talk again with Nikki cozy ours about how she faced the upward battle of walking through her doubt that's tomorrow. We hope you join us on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life that is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most