Don Everts: Messy Prayers, Loud Tables, Open Doors

The research showed us that if an entire core household is to give us of the people who live and sleep under the same roof. If there altogether. The odds are they're eating and you're doing like a parallel activity, so it's not like intense light was just sit with chairs facing each other and wipe all were doing is looking each other's eyes and talking you're eating food you're passing things.

The waiters interrupted your doing different stuff.

There's something about a meal that facilitates conversations as a catalyst for welcome to family life day where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and nothing Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoa.com or on our family life, family life, when it comes to passing our faith on to our sons and their boys raising them but your biggest regret while well we wrote our five mistakes in our book, but my biggest regret. I think the first thing comes me is when Cody, our youngest said in college. I wish we would've spent more time in the Bible. I don't know the Bible like I should anyone look at you as I get it that me that's deftly one of my biggest regrets.

You know you blinking there gone and you think of all those days and weeks that you could've grabbed the moment and jumped into the word pastor his pastor like me thinking well if you would just listen to search.

Did you have that yeah but that's a regret if I could do it over again I would do a better job of that at home whereby you. I wish I would have not been so angry and mean lit up and I think I apologize so much to them and repented so much that I did it too much like mine didn't God hearing the first time. When you ask for forgiveness why you keep asking and so I lived in the shame of yelling or making a mistake.

As a parent you are mostly mad at me, all you mean that with my guess is that you're disappointed in me about all the other topic I mean we as parents had a dream. Your sons are grown and married and we have grandkids now, but our dream was that they would be warriors for the kingdom that was part of our mission is out on letter. Even I remember tar first son think this is who we are and this is what we long for you that you will walk with God all the days of your life and call upon his name and tell others about him that I think many Christian parents have the same vision and help and are not sure how to get there so we got Don Everts back in the studio with this today. Don welcome back.

Family life. Great to be back with you and I know your pastor or dad researcher you guess you had the same vision in hopes that we have for your kids, three sons, two boys one girl yeah where Howells right to in college one in high school right so let me ask you this you have any regrets.

Plenty there. Like highlighted by the research whether something about it feels like every research topic or book, called to work on, which is been what 20 yeah yeah they are small but but but they're all based on research these latest ones are but there's something about like steeping in it. With this book when I wrote the conclusion that it was all over. I was broke down and cried because I felt like it had done such a work in me to be in the research to be forced to be in the Bible and what it says about households.

God uses so much of my life. I finish that last sent it off to my publisher and I thought you had me do all this for me to like. I felt spoiled by God that like he needed to work on me. So get your attention by making you right so yes so regrets about not just interacting around things of faith even more, pastor to live the same thing like this is neither good and yet to have done more.

I was a campus minister and I didn't know what to do little kids. There's part of me there just waiting for them to become college students know what to do with them to do the five-year-old so so yeah just wishing that I had leaned into my ignorance earlier and just like to learn what would he do the five we made it up as we went along and God redeems that right and he is great at taking our scribbles and turn them into beautiful pictures. I'm so thankful for that. But all all sorts of conviction and working on that as you feel, because I felt this is a pastor and expresses a couple times to me, her frustration that I was like on a church spiritually vibrant outside the home, in the home that I was a deadbeat blare of the vibrancy was and is strong in my home because he just sent the wrong pay for was like best to do my kids told me at one point you the preacher voice. When you preach you have a different voice and not unlike myself on the same for me. It was always way harder to just pray alone with my wife than it was to pray with the congregation all yeah I read that you are speaking it's more intimate for probably lots of reasons you know and working on his book and thinking about like what is it like to be a spiritual coach in the household.

But even names that say the research tells us, it helps to have someone in the household who's initiating things right and who saying hey timeout was talk about this or hear my Coldplay or or whatever you have to do well, but it needs to be someone initiating and I think that would be my regret would be. I wish I had named that earlier like I'm supposed to be a spiritual coach in my household was interesting to you in terms of spiritual coaches who are the influencers.

Yeah, I don't think there's some fun stuff and some sobering stuff in the research. You know, so we talked a lot we did and oversampling of teenagers also in terms of who's your favorite conversation partner because the second of the three condos, vibrancy characteristics of a spiritually vibrant household is engaging in spiritual conversations what you're talking about your faith or your doubts whatever. If you're talking about it, your fingers by the way our discussion yesterday. We talked about the first one with messy prayers for strength is just Bible reading and praying around you can listen yesterday and then you just mention the second one is these vibrant conversations, loud tables talking with each other so the research tells us some interesting things about people's preferred conversation partners so some good news you because grandparents now so the people who rank the highest in terms of who are teenagers and kids.

Most open to talking about spiritual things with most regularly and consistently.

Grandparents like if grandparents come into a household. That's whether they physically walk in or whether they're on zoom or whether the phone call, whatever.

Kids are most open and want influence spiritually from grandparents so surprising to me.

Yeah I'm likewise that I don't know the researchers don't get into causality that like.

Here's what causes that all they know is here's what the kids are telling us grandparents right really, really high and it could be because you know what it's like as a grandparent, like you're not having to do the day in day out discipline. Yeah, you not having to manage the household, which is another role so I think maybe you have fewer hats you're wearing is just me guessing right and so kids really open to that. We were just with our four grandkids a couple weeks ago and it was so interesting as we get in the car and travel.

I'll tell stories or whatever, but the oldest granddaughter is seven and then her brother is five and I told this story.

This kind of miraculous God story every single time we got in the car for the next three days. I, yeah, they said 90 tell us another God story exactly what he said like I was and they want to hear it is good news. It's the people, not just in the core household but in the extended household that also affect the spiritual vibrancy of household as the people inside and outside of it and like we have empty-nesters in my church were like well I'm not in this game will have kids at home anymore is actually the research tells us, and actually the model of what household is in the Bible like it's this extended group of people and the people at my church.

When we are handling this research for the first time. The grandparents were so encouraged because they were like my consigned to have like a boring, lonely, isolated household. I'm not in the game anymore and actually you like a key player not just with you in your own like your little grandparents you know people move in all that families need surrogate grandparents surrogate aunts and uncles from within the church to love on their kids and all that so very inspiring for people like you being the game in you know other research tells us that for a young child have their faith. Use sticky faith research unit five adults for chip to be influencing them to be on their team. So anyways I just yeah that's game is really as he said that I thought of the blended families where you see LIS grandparent really know them as well. You can still influence you can be even a single there's a single woman at our church who is a part of our extended household. She was over the holidays and she come over to do her laundry and all that. I'll never forget the day we are studying this in a Sunday school class and we look at what the Bible has to say about extended households and what households were like in Cyprus like looked up she went second Way second so I'm a part of your household on.

I said you are said how can I do better at that. Like I have a role in your daughter's spiritual faith. She was good friends with.

So, even for people really want to have a household yes you do when everyone's in those and and realizing that recognizing that it's made me take my role more seriously with my friends kids at school yet all three of our our boys when they're growing up had mentors.

Yeah, that sorta came into our family. Yeah I look back, they had as much influence as I did, but talk about moms and that's because of its grandparents. What moms and dads. So when we ask people so this isn't like preferred conversation partner. Although moms rate higher there than dads do also pending on the topic. It was talk about money. They want to talk to dad. Interestingly enough, if is there faith or other things.

The 10 ones are but one of the questions we asked was who has had a faith impact in your life and among the teenagers that we asked 68% rated their mom is the number one right my moms had a huge faith impact on me only 46% said their dad okay I give you, but researchers don't tell us why. As a dad and as a pastor I would say probably a few different reasons why dads tend to be less in the game. In some households they're out of the house working so there's less like square footage of time right so that could be a contributing factor. I think some of it is you know moms better at it. Quote unquote and she prays better which my son told me at one point and then somebody could just be like to skin to be lazy and there can be a kind of laziness to me. This office seizure I'm pastoring over here yet.

Some ways we can get passive because they're good at it yet. The kids are sorta gravitating toward them.

I remember Dave you think you're better at that than I like the kids, and even maybe you had to stand there were little assessment but at the same time as you and the little there's there's another aspect is like step up Dave exist step up, exactly, you now you can flip this a little bit, and there are times where I stepped up and then I get lazy nice day yesterday and this part of me thinking there's a dad. Listen as I can with today's today why you step into this a little bit so many dads that I've interacted with because of the book who feel like it has shone a light on something that they either have never looked at or they've had a suspicion like I'm supposed to be doing something here and I'm golfing instead that I think that it is with kids. I felt this with my dad.

I wanted my dad to know me and I wanted now my dad so I think if a guy thinks Candace can come and pray.

I would say you kids know you and they want you to be asking them questions of who they are and what their thoughts are. So it's it's that spiritual component that's also that relational component of know me. I remember if kids think that now my friends, their name, the girls that would have added – remember they said that that's another regret.

You know them well. I think some of the and also is we parent how we were parented early default that is clearly false.

So I think some of it. I'm not like I'm taking all the blame on myself to some of it is like if your dad never did what you just described yeah with you and you have a model like think that's the thing that dad should do. It takes reading the Bible or you know to go.

Oh I'm supposed to be spiritual coach my household and to be doing that. So the research is sobering but I think in a healthy way that it that shines a light and says have you put it like okay to visit. Yeah, just do a little more have off I do a little bit more spiritual coaching than you did last year but you start by gleaning just leaning a little bit in the research tells us when this is the good news to be great at it. Yeah, that really good on you guys give dads or give man just a starting conversation that you could say with your kids, what would that look like you know so like easier things that you could do the kid would be to say hey and because I like leaving out of just my frailty in my weakness. So even say hey I'm wanting to.

I should be praying more for you guys and so I'd love each of you, but in the today I'd love to know what I can be praying for you for angina like asked him on the spot. This will be what whatever school or whatever that you know we win the game. Owner John will strike out the matter is I give them time and say because in your modeling like a spiritual conversation talk about my faith and I'm wanting to lean in, so your modeling and then guess what happens then at the end of the day or night.

One of the big things that you want prayer for in your life right now all of a sudden you're having a spiritual conversation that talking about deep stuff and then you can come and go back to, you know, with my daughter. We had this code language of I need to get a Coke and that meant like I want some one-on-one time with my dad that's going and we witness really go get a Coke yeah it was like, rather than saying when you pursue intimacy with me and engage me and you know that which is cut feel so big. As I just got pulled into the driver, but just that he could have a cook sometimes we can sauté for a dad like do a little thing like that like to listen to this family. Like today and so I want to do more. I just show the elf in the room writing ceremony do better job at this. So one of our friends with all girls and Keith just has this long commute so you would pray and so he said what I would do after my commute. I takes all my girls.

How can I be praying for you today and he said so much in these girls all talk about that Elia. Interesting dance praying for me.

He knows what's going on in my life. Hardly anybody is going to turn down that request hope and pray for you, even a stranger would write a really you and pray for me.

So you do that with your kids so you know we mentioned the three know we are tight but messy prayer just get into a little bit loud tables will talk about open doors and second but what's loud tables me. You're listening to David and Wilson with Don Everts on family life will hear his answer in just a minute, but first we know that the health of your marriage is foundational to the health of your family. We also know that the foundation for a healthy marriage is built on God's word and that's what a weekend to remember marriage getaway is really all about the ballroom of couples hearing from fun engaging speakers talking about God's plan.

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Right now, back to Don Everts on what he means by loud tables and why they're so important to your family. The research showed us that if an entire core household is to give us of the people who live and sleep under the same roof. If there altogether. The odds are there eating dust of the research tells us, and reading or watching TV, eating and watching TV was number two.

Yeah behind eating and that's whether it's eating them household or eating at a restaurant and one of things we found out is when conversations are happening.

It's often when there eating and so there's something interesting because a meal is like it's a period of time and you know Sakai go on forever right is like a contract when you're eating a meal.

It's not like working to be here for three hours. Whatever. It's like a period of time and you're doing like a parallel activity, so it's not like intense like let's just sit with chairs facing each other and like all were doing is looking each other's eyes and talking you're eating food you're passing things. The waiters interrupted. You're doing different stuff.

There's something about a meal that facilitates conversations as a catalyst for the research tells us now look at Scripture how often his table fellowship or things happening around tables really key so that's one of the things the research tells us, so that's why loud tables is like you.

You have to eat and as you all know with you know busy kids schedules eating together is like a big deal right to make that happen. Hard to make it happen. Start to make it happen. But even someone that you're with you know some people have to say. You know you phone in the basket during a meal to come to again create a circle of time just to draw a circle around appear to time and then talking so that's all I can easy call action David anyways and how you facilitated when we found this out the research that was in our ministries. We developed a deck of cards called the vibrant conversation decks with the real Dr. card you play games with it, but each card has on a unique question just a conversation starter as I was the of these that you can find just keep it on your dining room table during every dinner when were together into one? Okay and some of them they're not all like house the cross of Jesus.

They're not about me. There are spiritual ones with all our other wants to like you know what are your biggest dreams for your life right now or whatever right just get people talking so food and fun are catalysts for conversations we've had a lot of great dinners together and we had to be super intentional. When our kids got older, because they're all in sports. They're all doing things and we shared this before that there were times in football season that we would had dinner at 9 PM. The only time we were active hatters coaching may have big snacks after school that we would gather at 9 PM and we grew up with them asking those questions like, hey, what was your high and low today Congress trying which it was fun because we are just with one of our sons and he was doing the same thing with kids kids so call this the seven. The youngest is to find just to hear their answers. I was sitting with another one of my friends and she had a large family lots of kids and she said, as our kids get older. What we started doing it. I would pick one person. One of our kids or my husband or I and we would ask a question for the night. My K2 nature night waitress and she said sometimes they be like this is Domino I do it. What your favorite color what I mean is right, but sometimes a little deeper and they went a little deeper, but I just thought that was cool. Then to give that to your kids to participate in, but also to leading it's a small little thing, but it makes a huge difference and it changes the atmosphere of the home. If you're if you're talking about other things talk about your faith seems more normal.

I found two and I don't know why but maybe goes back to Deuteronomy 6 talk about these things when you're on your way.

Something about driving places and having conversations do not looking each other in the face. You know how long the time is because you know where you're going. There's just something about car conversations to icon the captive audience to get a can't leave so those little ways that just in the everyday domestic ins and outs of doing life talking about your faith in those can be. In some ways even more powerful than I am. Things as a pastor time in church, in a quote on quote spiritual environment. You know that the domestic place the household is this like laboratory for discipleship that is messy that can be loud but is can be so powerful. I know that you know is you talk about table time loud tables you get bedtime you got drivetime yet you got mealtime. Those are all critical moments for parents for families to say I'm to be intentional here. You and I think one of the things we discovered, especially as the kids get a little older is it's okay in those times, the conversation could be about doubts can be about struggle absolute years yet. I also like you to be the perfect parent, you can say no kids that I struggling right now with God's not doing or doing in my life ever struggle it then bam it open something up when a dad or mom is that vulnerable.

Then the scene open this child up to say absolute really. We can talk about that absolutely and vibrate. We did a whole other year of research that be have been others on spiritual conversations themselves just about them and what we found was the game changers talking about your faith or your lack of faith.

Talk about your doubts just like talking about those things grows your faith.

I remember saying to one of our kids one night like I feel so spiritually dry then in the word lately to ceiling this dryness will encourage me. Do you have anything that he's been learning that it had been telling your teaching you anything that I think it's good for them now. I hope okay so they struggle sometimes to I like that vulnerability and what I love about this conversation is is it inspires parents to have a conversation. I mean the research it was not something we could in excess it's like are you kidding me Missy prayers loud tables. I can do that well if you can do it. How about today you been listening to Dave and and Wilson with Don Everts on family life to Don's book is called the spiritually vibrant home, the power of messy prayers, loud tables and open doors you can get a copy@familylifetoa.com and tomorrow's evening. Wilson will be joined again with Don Everts chat about how just opening the doors of your home can ignite you and your families faith on behalf of evening Wilson, I'm Shelby see that next time for another edition of family life today like today is a production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most