Heather MacFadyen: “I’m a Failure as a Mom

Okay here's a question I think every mom and probably wrestles with how much of how my child turns out, is Michael let's both answer it when you think I don't know why I would say I would need is the parents fault.

Yeah that I'm responsible welcome to family like today where we want to help you pursue the relationship the matter mouth and Wilson and Dave Wilson. You can find us if we like today.com or on our family life, family life today.

I actually got this question from a book I recently read called the mom alone we have the author said in their studio today.

Welcome back a thing for me everything you member this party run. I do because I heard it from Townsend himself. We were at dinner and telling us writing this book and he said he was asked that question from the Stadion in a cloud and they said okay let's play game and will both write her numbers down and then will show the audience at the same time based on anecdotal cases and other both counselors and they both wrote down that the parents were 30% responsible amazing, but the trick it's like marketing.

You don't know if Larry agrees that there all so I just encourage moms like you're still intentional. You can read the books, you can take the classes prayer prayers that you are not hundred percent responsible for the trajectory of your child. While I love what you said God's power to redeem your mistakes is bigger than your power to destroy your children to read that again as I think his mom's especially waiting to hear this coming to God's power to redeem your mistakes is bigger than your power to destroy your children. I needed to hear that as a young mom because so many times I was in bed at night thinking I'm wrecking them. But what is that say about God. It makes us into God's doesn't yes like were creating little trophy children and I just don't believe that's how he works a read any story in the Bible each other.

Yeah all different trajectories and he takes the broken and he redeems their stories over and over again and I know enough parents who have followed all the formulas who are following Christ whose kids are way word maybe never returning to faith and it breaks my heart how they can sometimes be treated by those in the church or messages they received. We do each other at the service we hold that line for ourselves. We don't give ourselves enough grace will give our kids enough grace to make mistakes and give them the message that will love you no matter what.

This is God's bigger than any of this and I just don't know that it shows a lot of faith to believe that we are fully responsible. That whatever you spend.

I'm in every week you're talking to mom's manager interview people in your podcast called don't mom alone you written this book. Although the mom alone.

So is this a common mom think his eyes as I'm listening to you too mom thought about it I feels like it's both because I've done this as well as a dad.

I know that's true but it feels like there's a heightened. I don't know what it is responsibility that moms feel like I am responsible for how my child turns out good or bad. Maybe not good. They don't think this was really really drug did say if I take responsibly for the good. I take responsibly for the bad because in a Facebook it's filled with all of the trophies and they award specially when they're hitting the teenage years, I think they start to perform in ways that make us feel really good about ourselves, my friend.

His kids are really struggling right now, especially with covet any mental health issues is at all time high suicide. I'm thinking of each of those friends to when I see those posts and I grieved my heart because it does cause more and more isolation in those teen years because of that line between apparent role and how they turn out and I don't know if I am not a dad, so I can't say if it's more if the weight is more for mom, but it feels pretty heavy for moms you felt that way in our home. It felt like I tended this may be denial personality applies, and I think in some ways I do like stepping than the denial I would say the way it's their responsibility to become as a man is up to them. It's not up to. So that was good for me to hear that. I'm glad you said that there but I mean you didn't say that now what it's all since all you actually I felt like she was there it is on you. You need to be the dead, but we do carry there but there's a sensor in some ways I'm here moms. A little bit more, maybe not.

Maybe it is personality related, but it is a sense of it gets us back to that quote if we feel like it's our responsibility, then we are not depending on God.

Is there a God is in control.

Does he have our kids how do you wrestle with attention if you're living between those two realities. For me it was again getting to and myself having a panic attack and the chicken the fried chicken drive through where I was holding it all. I was holding for young boys and not just how they turned out to just physically caring for them in.

I think I feared not just other people's approval or being rejected, but their safety. It felt like a heavy load that if something physically happened to them with you know they ran in the street that was on me and so I was overwhelmed by all that my husband is often coincides with their careers growing so they're working a lot and seek and feel lonely and that you're not emotionally connected, your spouse and not getting that and then I had pulled away from friends because it was just the time I didn't have it. I really didn't have it and I didn't have energy. When I did have time to hang out with people and so all of that pressure on me. All of those fears and this isolation from others who are saying you're doing a great job or a not even if you don't believe them. It's hard for me to.

This is normal wasn't there and so they all collided into a panic attack and it took me finally seeing a counselor to say this is normal. This pressure is normal. Your desire to do this well is normal. I don't know why had to pay someone only, but I do think that all of that pressure from mom's particularly comes together and it actually keeps us from being the monthly want to be, which is the saddest part of it.

I want to free moms from the Army.

I'm just picturing you in a drive-through if I read you don't see that posted on Facebook. I have today.

Do you think a lot of moms are at the breaking point. I think the last two years for sure because even if they had touches of community on the sidelines of a sporting event or touches a community in the hallways of the church. They don't haven't had that in a lot of places they've been very very physically isolated from people for two years and so I think that for sure and even our family and in England. It's been rough and so got there, feeling the pressure. Heather, what about your relationship with Jesus, talk about that your book the subtitle is growing, the relationships you need to be the mom you want to be. So you're talking about how we do need friendships with other women, but you're also talking about this relationship with God, and we mention that yesterday. How have you developed that what it had that look like so I walked through in addition to the counseling and inner healing prayer ministry and the Holy Spirit is doing some work and my life to combat some lies that I've been holding onto that were coloring all of these relationships until I dealt with them, and invited Jesus and and kind of allowed him into the places that I was thinking of keeping him at arms distance. I couldn't then engage in these horizontal relationships that for me. The healing yes that intoxicants and I joked about to be easy with a friend, but I think then it was that layer of healing that came from.

Only God could do. I could have all the people in the world. Tell me words of oh you shouldn't worry about other people's approval or you are not responsible or you don't need to have that fear that I need a supernatural deliverance from a spirit of fear the supernatural deliverance of a soul tie that I had that I wasn't hearing directly from God and having that almost cleared away and healed up. I think led me to the next level of healing which is due our twelve-step celebrate recovery at our church and the community that came alongside me to then continue to combat those lies in wrong beliefs and how they were coming out sideways in relationships and so that's why I start the book with the relationship. We need first is God because if we haven't done the work with God will continue to interact with people with those false beliefs, and thus false ideas and we might even look to people to be something that they were never intended to be, we might be too vulnerable and scare people off, we might say that vulnerable thing I've had people say why vulnerable people doesn't work.

I'm thinking possibly this is some deep rooted work that needs be done with you and God. And what you're needing from people they could never satisfy. That really is the picture. Dave and I on our 10 year anniversary. We wrote a book called vertical marriage and basically I was saying I have nothing left for you. I don't have any feelings for you little babies and toddlers of the yeah yeah and part of it now because we've done counseling since is I exactly what you said I was trying to get from Dave what only God could give and I think there's a beauty to that of realizing like no one can give that to me except Jesus and there is an awakening think I'm so passionate about this for women because I see women so tied up so longing for more, and they're not free. They have so much pain so much baggage, so many wounds I carried that for years and years and years of wounds of things that it happened that were still affecting my decisions and my joy. And so I'm when I read that I was like a slight who really did do the work to get some help in that inner feeling and it's so beautiful and I get to do that with other friends of friends that I've been in Bible studies with and we been circling the same symptoms over and over and over and over again only get to bring it to God and get up root. The core memory or whatever whatever start they started believing that doesn't line up with God's truth about who they are and we get to invite Jesus and reframe the memory and see them walk out of that prayer session just full of life and freedom is such a gift to me. It encourages my faith because every story so unique. Haven't prayed to someone and seeing the exact same but Jesus is the same every time he vitamin the same yesterday today and forever, but he shows up with the same character the same way he engaged with Ben and had such a gift to realize that this same Jesus is here for everyone and we simply invite him to this place feels interesting. So, long story, so I can't tell her but I can tell, this part is set with a guy who walk me through healing prayer about my dad leaving again.

There's details and things listeners have heard me say before, but at the end of that prayer 1015 minutes sort of journey. One of the things that I feel like God spoke to me that I'd never understood. I was in my 50s at this moment so long life was spent decades of my life met my dad for leaving when I was seven years old, blaming him for different aspects of my life that I felt like God was saying and I should heard this earlier, but as for some of ever really hit me.

He was soon.

I protected you.

And even that phrase it wasn't.

I removed your dad from your life.

Your dad made a decision that was his decision and love you've always felt like if I would ahead him, I would've been these like do you understand if you would been in your life. You're not the man you are today because it would've been negative. It was one of these free moments like something I thought was always evil.

God was turning for good. And God was there. Is what you just said was when you connect with God and that, intimate level, which can involve another mom or another to your life. But man if you don't have that connection with Jesus yourself. Nothing else know that you and any interaction but between the time that your dad left and that prayer time, you will protect yourself from projection in the future. And when God said no this wasn't a rejection.

This is a protection it reframes and you're no longer fighting to keep people from rejecting right now you I would love them for who they are exactly knows one of my lies have to you just said you had to do lies what, what's alive. You will that those were lies that you have that I had. I've had lies of not being safe recently after my dad passed. I had a lie that got got it wrong. That was wrong and I had bitterness rooted but I will tell you I physically felt free. When I confess, I've been believing that you got this wrong.

Please forgive me and he's always willing he's like. Of course my daughter. I believe what's true I want you to live in a state of bitterness and so he is willing to offer us forgiveness. We just take have to align our beliefs with what's true and that confession confession. I think it's such a bad rap as being this. Oh I did something wrong. A better confess that no one fits. I've just been believing something that's not true. And so whatever that is, if you're listening like ask God what have I been believing about you, about others.

That is not true.

I did the same thing with the woman and down.

I been already dealing with my past abuse and so she walked me through some inner healing and she said what is the lie that you started to believe because I felt so unworthy and she said and I want you to confess that I said confess I didn't do any I was a person is. She said no. Confess the lie. You came to believe about who God says you are is this child and his daughter and I'm your nice sobs because it was I believe that I'm not worthy of your love. I believe that I don't have what it takes to be a good mom or a wife, and that it was this onslaught of emotions and I'm sobbing and it was just this beautiful picture and then I even asking the question she asked God what he want EN to know what he want her to realize it was just beautiful picture. I use my imagination for all kinds of crazy things. You know, I think the Holy Spirit likes to take control.

If we allow him and it's governed by God's word word and the solid foundation of the gospel he wants to free us from these things and I think that's the best place she doesn't want us to be in a broken world. And he doesn't want send to interact with her story and that's the freedom even of moms that I'm trying to get yeah even if you do all the things and keep all the rules and you in the most intentional and you follow the list evil will intersect with your child and if we have these tools. What I love is learning these tools, so when my child starts to say something that I know is not true instead of just dismissing and same was not true. Yet, we can say that doesn't line up with what I've read in God's word. But let's pray let's listen. I have done that with one of my sons and he said okay let's if anything comes you my let's just thank God for that and I did it with him. I said I hear, and calling you caretaker and his eyes popped open. He said the same thing and I think we have these tools, and as moms. We then we don't have the fear. What if something happens to my kid. What if I make a mistake because we have the tools and God's word to redeem and restore and recover. Just like God did in our stories and I'm so there is a is a husband looking at two women who are moms in our talk about freedom, which I think there's probably a lot of moms going. I don't think I'm tasted the kind of freedom.

Here's my question.

What we do as men when we see our wives locked up. You know they're not free their believing lies we can sort of see it but yet when I would try to speak truth into and she would often just dismiss it and then I would think you don't need me I can't help that I felt like I wasn't of the almost like you need another woman. You need a little mom, I can't help you, but I want to know your two moms your two wives, what would you say to the men.

How do we help when we see you're locked up that I must know you're listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather McFadyen on family life today will get back to the conversation in just a minute, but first I want to let you know about racial group of people who help make conversations like today's possible they're called family life partners. It's a community of people who believe in our mission and give financially every month and thanks to some generous partners right now you sign up to give monthly. You not only receive all the benefits of our partner program but your donation will also be double for a year. That means if you give $25 a month. The impact is actually on top of that when you give this month as our thanks to you, will send you a bundle of resources including two books, one lifelong love by Gary Thomas and second not part of the plan by Kristin Clark and Bethany feel so become a monthly partner have your gift doubled for a year and then get a bundle of books pretty good deal, right, you can give today@familylifetoday.com or by calling one 800-3583 29 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today.

Right now, back to David and Wilson Heather McFadyen.

I think sometimes with men want to help and that means in doing a thing, and I would say sometimes the age-old.

We want you to listen but I think ultimately you could do all the things but when it's God's right timing will redeem and restore. Think loving her by knowing how she receives love is really helpful and I think you desire is to fix her right and middle only God's job to do and I found that I think you Dave. Sometimes what I can feel as a woman is you don't like that I'm in a bad place you did� And, no, no, no, you don't know their wife to be a bad place assailants to fix commendable from man, because I think men feel responsible and you do want to fix it so I think for men to go to their wives if she saying something negative to ask the question, tell me more what you mean by that get curious. Yeah, I think that curiosity builds a bridge like he cares and just doesn't want me to snap out of it because it's inconvenient, it's that he cares and he wants to know. I think that's super helpful and not stop saying the things that you see in her cousin he would say all you look so good I know I don't I eat out for you to not stop because you've been really good at that over the years. You're really a great at complementing me, but I think you get discouraged like it doesn't do anything you don't believe it, but it would feel at times Army I went on a journey from early marriage were she don't really believe that there's no way she looks in the mirror and think she's not the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen cousin started and so I would make fun of it, like you, whatever you don't think that I don't know how long it took me, but there was a day is like oh my goodness it was like a revelation. She really doesn't think she's to believe this, why, and so then I had to go also. I'm hurting her by saying you don't believe I have me I was being the worst of decades here at the world was like oh she needs me to partner with her and and be the voice of Jesus in this was was true then she wouldn't listen to it. You know I often then get frustrated like I'm trying to help you and you still will but but I think at the end of the day and this would probably be true for men or women. I think one of our roles as I'm speaking to the guys now.

Maybe your wife made you listen, here's what I say that the guys because for a long time and said I feel alone. As a mom and I would be like talking about the people around election does the voice is hard to say when you talk you act like I'm an idiot. That's how I didn't like you, and I would say the guys I need realize she really does feel alone and so I'd say two things. Number one partner with her. This is a really hard job as a mom and she's carrying something I don't think we fully understand the real cure in the same way your partner help out right he would suggest help me that would be number one.

Number two would be create a way a space in her life so she can connect with God and connect with other SSA don't figure out when your schedule is. So I'm going to carve out a night maybe once a week. I don't know what it is but the so you know what it's about helping her find time to be with Jesus because it's really hard for her to do is mom and number two have some friends.

So go out with your friends and find your tribe endemic or feel guilty for that yet humble because even then moms won't take the time because they feel bad that they're not there, and they've been there all day or think it's really hard for my mom friends to do work outside the home design any time they already think they feel like they've already been gone so they don't deserve that and I think that's a lie. Yeah. So guys you get your assignment is gonna do it the same message of God is bigger were not fully responsible for our kids. US men are not fully responsible for their lives.

God is big enough that he can minister to her heart. Your job is to love and support are just like our job is to love and support that Steven and Wilson talking with Heather McFadyen on family life today you can get a copy of Heather's book don't mom alone.

Family life to a.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today and if while you are listening today and you thought of someone who would completely relate with the conversation.

Consider sharing it from wherever you get your podcast and while you're there. It really help get the word out. If you rate and review us know so many moms feel like they're a bad mom because of X, Y, and Z that they aren't doing well. Tomorrow Dave and Anna to be talking again with Heather McFadyen about living in the moment so you can escape bad thoughts like that come up tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott you back next time for another edition of family life today, family life, the days of production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most