Cheryl Shumake: Loving before You’re Loved as a Stepmom

Have you ever heard the phrase when are you going to give me your payments.

That's a phrase anything, it means when you give me your pants. I find the phrase hold on your pan when you give your opinion I've never heard that phrase I don't know. We need to ask someone who might know welcome to family life we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and will Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life, family life today Ron deals with those that are directory blended here they would today. Ron do you know what that means when you give your pants I have no idea. You know, actually I'd never heard that phrase ever before. But I learned it by talking with Cheryl Schoemaker which people are going here today and you know I'm not going to tell you they're going to have to listen we got everything was waiting to make you wait so she's going to explain in her story. So who is Cheryl and what I know we talked about her yesterday. Her listeners and if you missed yesterday. Go back and listen because this is a continuation of her story so Cheryl is a teacher, a stepmom coach, life coach, she founded stepmom sanity.

She's written a book that were talking about in this particular podcast that were sharing with our listeners today. The books called waiting to be wanted a stepmom's guide to loving before being loved so we jumped into that conversation yesterday and will continue that today, and this really funny phrase popped up and I know I didn't have any idea what she was talking about. So I made her explain it in our listeners will finally get to that now. Yesterday, you may have noted that this Conversation Took Pl. in October of 2021. That's what I was Dr. we were still in the middle of the pandemic. At that point in time and I just want to say you know stepparent thing is a little bit like living in a pandemic. Sometimes you're waiting to be loved your waiting to be appreciated.

You have lots of questions, just like in the pandemic. We had lots of questions some of which still are not answered.

Even today, but we do the best we can and we try to trust in the Lord and that's really the heart of this conversation, so let's pick it up there. The problem here and waiting. What's happening is you clearly want more of a connection or relationship, then the other person wants with you and whoever wants the least wins. Such a power struggle that absolutely is the truth that is it.

Whoever wants the least wins. Now let me just put this in the context because this is true in any relationship and blood people listing right now with through a marriage where you wanted more than the other person wanted and they wanted you less than you wanted them and they want that's the end of the relationship right.

Whoever wants the least wins. They have the most power. The most say they get to dictate whether there's intimacy or closeness or what have you. That's true in a marriage. That's true in a work relationship you've ever tried to make a sale to a company who doesn't really care about your product. You don't you lose right they win they get to dictate the terms of any relationship that may or may not happen. It also is true in parent-child relationships and it's really true. Stepparents. Your eager, you have a high desire you want to move toward these kids and close the gap, so to speak, and they get to decide whether that Is closed or whether it stays really wide. That's frustrating especially when your large and in charge and like Cheryl, you got a good relationship with your daughter and as you said, that's easy you know what closeness is.

It didn't take a lot of work to manage all of this and then you have hard. There's easy and there's hard and talk about that for a minute the desire to escape into your own children and away from stepchildren.

I realize that's a momentary thing. But if you do that too much. I would think that could have some real negative impact definitely can't set up a dynamic and your family of us versus them you're trying to bring your family together and you're creating a line in the sand if you well and you are stepping across the line with your children and your leaving your spouse and his children. On the other side of the line. It is detrimental to bringing a family together again. I guess I don't recommend escaping. Too often this is when we really have to for lack of better vernacular put our big girl pants on and stand up and take the heart along with the easy so that eventually we can lead our family to better that's the ultimate goal to bring this family to a better position where we are relating that are to one another, even if were not 100% bonded. We can be better tomorrow than we were today and at the end of the day.

Somebody has to go first. Right somebody has to lead with love and it's often a high motivated person which means it's you stepparents will take me inside that for you. You go back you, you find your distance you recalibrate and you go okay baby girl, let's go back and try to love them, even though they're not yet fully loving and embracing me what is it take you to find the strength that's that's hard. Yes it is very hard for me.

It really took understanding that I was, again I was called to this world by God. My life isn't by happenstance. For those of us who have faith in Jesus Christ, we were led to this point in life and it's got walk this into this place. He fully equipped us to handle the ups and downs of our blended family life. It's a matter of looking to the Lord for strengthening and that I also I very practically speaking, I talked to people I talked it out and I sometimes when you when you say something a lesson 16 so I was able to say this hurts or I don't understand this and can you give me some perspective.

We have to get out of our own hands and allow other people and to speak truth into speak life and quite frankly there were times I just had to grin and bear it.

I had to get a strong second, honestly… Said I am here. I have chosen this. I said yes, it is not accepted loving these children even if they do not love me and so what does that mean, and lastly I will say this, and again not to be impractical at all, but you know you when you get a picture of how Christ loves us that love is very very active regardless of reciprocity or feelings of affection or emotional connection, and I understand that I am love, despite having been an enemy of God. I was loved to friendship with God helps me learn how to love before I am because it's the same way that I was loved and it is that love that God has given that he is shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit. So it does not allow the spirit of the Lord to activate it. What is first John say we love because he first you know that's that's the story from his listen right now you just really not familiar with the Christian story. The story of the Bible to over arching narrative of Scripture is God who pursues us in love in spite of our frailties and failures and sin that creates this job.

He's constantly trying to close the gap when God comes in the form of Jesus Christ we see it over and over and over again with the people he pursued and how he close the gap with the disenfranchised in the outcasts of society and the people who were forgotten and left behind and push down the often close the gap with those people, even people who were really made a lot of mistakes and don't want to send in your life is love overcomes that that's the story of Scripture and yes, I think we can find inspiration for moving toward the people who are having a hard time loving us the people we value.

It's difficult doesn't mean it's easy. It is wrought with Noah below here and there and make sure he think it ever was. What you need to retreat. Go recalibrate all of and then go wait a minute, God the did this for me. I go any man hold onto him and just try to look not over love you love in a strategic way. I guess what I'm trying to say there is not push so hard that it makes it really difficult for the child to to receive it. But just in a way that's palatable for them but just the gently continued to press in size stepmom's to look for organic opportunities to set the stage for connection and whatever happens in that moment outcome belongs to the Lord.

The results belong to him that you could you give me a good example of that might be of a story from your own life. Absolutely, absolutely.

There was a time with one in particular that I had a very hard time. She was very connected to mom, and not that the others weren't, but she struggled more than anyone with conflicts of loyalties. I know that we are all familiar with that terminology and I set up an opportunity for us to go out to play and I know that something she enjoys, and I invited her long and and of course she went and she had just a ball and it opened the door for conversation as well. The conversation I did not initiate the conversation she did. I let her talk about whatever it is that she wanted to talk about it.

Some of those things were very difficult for her.

Some of those things very easy and very light very on the surface, but by opening up the opportunity. She walked right into it and I didn't rush and let me let me say this to the listener. I didn't use that as an opportunity for me to then rush in and say I'm super stepmom. I really kind of laid back and allowed her to lead the relationship and lead in our conversations elite how close she needed to be changed over time. Sometimes he was closer sometimes. There is so much wisdom in what you just said so was like okay I can't push this any farther than they can go so I really need to let them feel like they're leading the dialogue and conversation and try to meet them where they are not so strategic you're still leading with love because your creating opportunity but you're pacing with the child exactly your listening to family life to a N-word listening to a portion of the family life blended podcast with Ron Diehl and Cheryl Sue make Ron there is a lot of wisdom in that last story she told and it's really wise of her but really a call to to be waiting in pace with your child.

We opened up by talking about how any relationship.

Whoever wants the least. Whoever cares the least about the relationship is the one who has the most power so she is a stepmom recognizing that in this case.

Her stepdaughter was not very interested in developing the relationship. So what is Cheryl have to do. She had to wait on her stepdaughter. She had to be available. She had the love she had to be near enough that when her stepdaughter turned around, so to speak. I'm right here, but even then I can't just jump in and go. Okay, let's go. You have to let that child lead and that's so difficult it's more waiting like you have a little of her, but you don't have a lot of her. So you have to wait and wait even more that I think it was that so much wisdom that everybody listening has a relationship where they can apply that I'm working to get back to your conversation but before you do that remind us about the summit summit on stepfamily ministry is our ministry equipping event two days in person. This is not a virtual event. You gotta show up this year it's in Phoenix October 13 and 14. I would love to have people come learn how they can be in their church can be more relevant to the blended families in their community. Visit us@summitonstepfamilies.com for all the information. Okay David and while we jump back into this conversation just till the listener is really really nice.

If you're a stepparent struggling situation to have you no home base and in this case it's her marriage. So when we jump back in a mask and Cheryl how is your marriage supporting you struggles as one of the things that I think as a backdrop to this whole Hattaway pursue this child who's not quite interested in pursuing me back. I think you know the context of the marriage in the blended family is the backdrop to this.

If you're feeling connected with your spouse and there's a good foundation there in a trusting relationship. There then you know some is got your back in the space that's hard with the child. But on the other hand, if you're feeling a little insecure in that space. Wow, how I press in here when I'm not. I'm sure I've got you with, you know, helping me coaching me, supporting me in the backdrop you talk about something in your book that made me think of the ghost of marriage baskets that have been burned before. I've gone through the difficulty of a previous mayors that failed and then how now do I trust you. How how do I put my heart in your hands and and and feel confident with that. So let's his backup for section curious how that whole ghost of marriage pass thing did you protect your heart when you were dating and early in the relationship before you has married well wasn't as protective of my heart. Honestly, at that time, Jonathan and I were friends. He actually was a guest at my first wedding. We are officially her friends in high school and in college who had reconnected some three years or so after my divorce and and some five or six years after his so initially it was me reconnecting with a friend, but when it moves beyond that and I recognize what was happening, then yes II got a little bit more protective because I'm giving up independence and I was down this road for 17 years with someone before and look how it dating.

Do I really want to give myself over into this relationship and this is a different kind of relationship is not a first marriage is on and on it went/struggled initially in our marriage to let go and something very innocuous half and I was talking about the couch and what I needed to do to get this because I need to say that I'm to do this. I'm to do that and my husband. I don't think he would mind me saying this because he said it before he teared and he asked me when are you going to give me your pants. Could you interpret that for me just when are you going to let go with you. I got a very unique way of expression I've never heard before you now. I got I realized that I was hurting my marriage.

I was hurting him and I was hurting any potential that we have a connected marriage as long as I held onto my independence in that way. Okay, so he felt the lack of trust. He made a comment you brought it to your attention. Now you're aware of it. What to do is sit out there right now going yeah I don't trust my wife I'm self guarded. I am protective I am not sure I really really can trust deeply again. How do I press through this. It was a slow road. It was a giving up of the ground, inch by inch and every turn. I was praying and I really had to learn how to trust God again in a relationship within the context of a relationship that I can let go and as I gave up, inch by inch and I saw his wrist consistent respond not perfect but consistent response. It enabled me to give up more so II really had to again take a deep breath and began giving up little areas and spaces of my life that I held onto. So appreciate that.

I just wanted listener to catch so many little pieces there. You had to press in give up a little trust a little more surrender little when that was met by steadfastness and faithfulness in your husband that that just added more confidence on your part. You give a little more get a little more you know, it's that back-and-forth to and fro, but you still have to take risk, even when you're unsure is risky as it is, it is absolutely risky, but it is so rewarding and the risk in the room were kind of cocoa hand-in-hand and we just don't have the other without the without the other.

So if you're listening right now and you're the spouse you felt some distrust coming from the other person you know whether you've deserved it or whether it sort of left over ghost for marriage passed for them and their they're just projecting that on to you. Please hear how difficult it is to take those risks and move toward you in trust. It's really helpful when you are patient, long-suffering with them and when you can understand why they can only give you a little bit. Not as much as you would like necessarily and also hear the importance of you loving well in return and how that does help to build confidence and grow their relationship. Your relationship together over time. I'm wondering about this as it how it impacted, then your relationship with your stepchildren.

I mean, again, backdrop is marriage. So if you're kind of if you get questions in your head about that relationship. And now you have questions about your stepchildren. You know you can get lost as a stepparent go, what am I doing here, like how to why like every relationship seems to be demanding more of me that I knew I'd have to give how I do this I want to backtrack to something you said about the spouse.

The one thing that did help me. Jonathan had a saying from the beginning of our marriage, and you and me against the world that he would even include the children he would say. Even these children because one day they're going to grow up in there and have lives of their on their own, and I want to be sitting across the table from you. 50 years from now. So his support all the difference in the world, but to answer your question more directly.

I would say that what I found again along with Jonathan's support is I have to make a decision. Of course, my heart was going to be guarded be if it's guarded with him and this is the foundational relationship in this family is going to be guarded with the children as well, as I gave up ground with him. I found myself more willing to open up more willing to be vulnerable to the likely rejection and likely misjudgment and misunderstanding that I was going to receive from the chart. I fully expected that that was going to be the outcome that I was going to open myself up to more which means I was going to feel more but because I had his support that that meeting difference but I think it really just came down to a decision I had to make a decision. How do I want to be in this marriage. How do I want to be with my stepchildren. How do I want my daughter to view this opportunity that we have, to see the redemption of God to see restoration into how does how do I want her to remember how her mother modeled herself you are mindful of the example you are setting you want to show your kids that love is risky and takes risks. Love never fails is the way first Corinthians 13 puts another words it keeps moving forward even in the face of difficulty of risk of challenge that's a lot when you said I had to make a decision. You know, I thought of another word.

I think you could say face I had to have faith that if I love there will be payoff listening to part of a family life blended podcast was run deal talking with hero Schoemaker and by the way, is just part of the conversation go to family life today.com and hear the rest of that conversation but boy was she said there at the Enron this really you know home base. The foundation of our marriage, the foundation of our families were life comes I miss the rock.

If that's not some you're taking care of the rest of your life is shaky yeah exactly right. And she made a decision to stand in faith and keep loving and I love that part about her husband like he sorta made a decision to I'm with you, you and me against everything else like let's do this. He was her support during those difficult seasons of their life and you know, for those who are married, you know, marriage is meant to be that rock like you said is the thing that holds us up and sometimes one of us is going to do more of the holding than the other one that's the partnership that's what got invites us to be able to do for each other. I love the idea that we're a team because so often. I think we get divided and especially with our kids in blended and we just can take sides but I like the idea of saying I'm for you and I'm fighting for you.

That means a lot motivating for all human listening to David and with Ron deal on family life to the rest of Ron's interview with Cheryl Schoemaker when you search for family life blended wherever you get your podcasts. Look for episode 73, waiting to be wanted in your blended family link is also in today show notes and family life to a.com coming up on October 13-14. Is this year's Summit on ministry. This is the premier ministry equipping event to help church leaders learn about healthy blended family living and the essentials of local ministry. Find out more@familylifetoa.com. You will long for homes where we can thrive and flourish. What does it take to have a spiritually vibrant household. Don Everts will be joining Dave and and in the studio to talk about just that that's coming up next week on behalf of Damon and Wilson. I'm shall be added.

See back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most