David and Meg Robbins: How to Handle Conflict without Tearing Your Hair Out

So if there is a message that I love giving at the we can remember it is which one yeah that's no fun though.

You get it right in the first guess we been married a long time I've been thinking at that conference for a long time 30+ years 33 and I said every time wherever we are. The whole weekend is built around this one. Talk we don't understand this when we leave this conference. This conference will not sustain your marriage.

Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and will and on Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com for on our family life, family life today so if you have a married couple in front of you. Their newly married and you I have on right now should you that's what you can talk to them about the power of the Holy Spirit in your marriage. No question you can talk about all the great merge tools, conflicts, intimacy, you name it rolls. We all know this if you want without the power lowest your work in your life. None of it as a listener, you should be leaning in thinking while of all the things you been teaching for 33 years because were all growing there the week ending on time.

I think about that.

We got a young couple the studio with you, but I recognize her voice is David and Meg Robbins are back to present a family life in years 21 years been married 20 2020 is only way to celebrate 20 to scope it out literally that's all right where there as well.

So as you listen to us talk about the powerless there and I know you're speaking of the week and remembers and that's one of the talks of the weekend. Is that your most favorite and most important, I think it's our favor because of our story is because of 24 years been together for those dating 20 of those married and constantly coming to the end of ourselves and it's a young couple.

The most important thing it's a couple 20 years in the most important thing and morning here. Send thing you know God in his kindness says in John 16 you know Jesus is the one who said it while he was on this earth is that it is good for me to go away because I'm in a send to you helper, the Holy Spirit is going to show you things you're currently not ready to hear about that thing about Jesus walking with his disciples and he says it's better that I call bethinking no, just like no Jesus I need you right here in the mix of everything he says now because the Holy Spirit and can send the Holy Spirit. And yet we don't Into hours and he is the one he promises he will help us follow wherever God is leading us to go. He will move us to go that direction C sin in our lives. And I don't know about you but it's not very helpful of emotions pointing the finger XM like I need to see my own sin. First, I thought, our spouse login and I was there role help us helps us to forgive sin and others, especially our spouse and the Holy Spirit helps us do the right thing in the right way and its obedience and a lot of weak spirits fruit we step into the things easily miss and don't you feel like when you're standing on the podium at the we can remember teaching this truth. Don't you feel like the couples are looking at you and I think they're looking at you like Candace is good but can you get back to how I resolve conflict or how to life and you just know if they do not appropriate the power and understanding of the Holy Spirit. They actually have no chance of transformation they can wish it. It might work for a week but I will write up because as much as I would love to think that I'm growling and then is getting less in my life.

Still human still living on earth. I still have you and I'm still struggling did the things that I don't want to do.

Paul talks about that email. I think that where we experience our desperate need for the Holy Spirit the most, because unfortunately the people that I left them as and spend time with me that ugly side of me, I know that God let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth. That night, and I'm thinking that I wish I didn't say or do not repay evil for evil, but on the contrary, blossoming always doing let's be honest, I mean there are many times where David is like being homeless can all eat dinner together before our daughter had Dr. volleyball will be there recently and he gets out the door a lot later than he planned and he comes in late to feel like cleaning up and get ready to bed. I did my part and I did ever time you're in charge now and frustrated as you want to pay back your desire is now your turn to feel that when I fell onto glad you're married to an optimist. Always things are coming together now quickly get out the door and the great thing he's feeling when we talk about being filled with the Holy Spirit. It's not excuses and does away with their leader. So conflict that we need to talk out, but in that moment, and are assigned, what did you do so. I like this is pretty recent. This was hilarious and probably ugly.

Let them passive-aggressive. Kicking the stink eye quickly. Certainly I know the Lord is trying to convict me and my pride is taking over and I don't want to yield in that moment I'm like I worked really hard to cook this dinner and he did not get here when he said he would let you know that I'm playing all this internal in my head and at some point's confession. It definitely took longer than it should have responded to the spirit sooner. Sure ugly words find probably simply I just had to say okay to the Lord now, and Stan all said my response here is ugly about this most recent scenario two is that I actually wasn't picking up on with saving health but they were like the reasons why had to stay late. There out of my control.

I didn't communicate well, but I was just made it home. Let's go guys.

You know how to become Disney data make all this better. Probably overcompensating but I wasn't meeting her and I think you know you said how do you actually enter into the space, not ignore it, not just Holy Spirit empower me all flush away. We actually had to look each other in the eye and discuss it and and I had the whole space of why she was hurt and the Holy Spirit empowers me to actually hold that space and not fix. I'm so prone to like on this next time your you're right and ultimately just needed her to be heard Holy Spirit on this most recent one was really just as she was sharing her heart and I was clueless to. It was David listen to her and make sure like fuel what she's feeling. Do you understand not just to get home on time. Next time to make this better and work for you. Do you understand what she's experiencing and feeling and that was the Holy Spirit prompting them either didn't make it perfectly right quickly, but it was how he was want me to respond.

This is the best case scenario, because you're both yielding to the power the Holy Spirit, who lives in you. So let's take it to a different scenario. Let's say make yourself angry. David is not home but David, you don't really you're not really walking with Jesus. And so when you start sensing fix him enough attention, you respond with what your problem you know I'm bringing home money I'm providing for our family. You need to relax.

That's a trigger word for me and Dave tells me to not certain like you have one partner like she's wanting to live in power by the spirit man. You get so triggered when your spouse is responding in a negative way. The most recent example that I'm thinking is more with one of our kids and they know how to push our buttons for sure. And now I'll snap back and say something I'm totally lowered their level of maturity. Now, in the moment and say something that's totally online and not wise parenting you know and I mean it happened in and I got there and then I living out of this and in my heart and hopefully coming in that scenario I said something and with her falling finally realize we need to stop talking about this right now.

Actually, you probably came like hey just you guys need some space flooding is happening for us whether to marriage, conflict, intention, whether it's between mom and the kid or dad and I could the flooding happens in the moment of flooding.

You're really not really get to the heart of it and you can't let it linger for too long break and just get pushed under the rug and build tension and explode the next time, but it is healthy to go.

I let's get to the side. Let's have a hearts to soften flooding to go down so we actually hear and respond appropriately is hard for me to hear the Holy Spirit when my emotions are so high and I am set in my ways and thinking I'm right and my pride is taken over that when I can remove myself and I can take a minute okay Lord I do hear you and your email and sent it takes a while to get to the point where I can say I was wrong. And even as a parent it's more tempting to hold onto my right because parents and I mean obviously that said something hurtful or wrong that I need to go back and think that's not okay. But even my town I can justify emailing like that's also wrong and I have to admit that like we were talking to me yesterday with an adult son where I'm texting, getting my haircut and he's texting he's mad at me for something he's going on. I feel totally justified in my response. I start texting him the fruit of the spirit in my phone while you are showing love like he based own it. Thank goodness 30 years old and the fruit of the text of the phone so I decide that taking a moment to pull back. That's where I you guys. I'm such a reactor that I just show you what I'm texting away you're talking away. That's why a trigger word is relax because I'm not aware that way.

I should have more that but I'm pretty laid back and so she's get all amped up that I didn't know it decades ago that I would just go like honey, relax, she would pull all you relax again like oh my goodness. Why is that such a trigger. I think because I want to do something about it.

You know I want to do it now and I'm so prone to fearing that will never deal with it because you tend to pull away from conflict and so I'll jump in headfirst. And even with that son know it's been I love one of the free spirit self-control. So instead of pushing send pull away. Take a breath.

It's the spiritual breathing and part of that is acknowledging Lord, I am so mad right now. Actually, my anger comes from my hurt and rejection just taking a moment to do that and like show me what I'm missing. And Jesus fill me with your spirit. Give me knowledge. I love the fruit of the spirit because of poor living by that work you look at ourselves instead of cleaning our finger as I was doing it. Here's a question that comes to my mind right now is, what if your spouse or your son or daughter or your coworker friend doesn't change.

They never even an hour later and their follower of Christ, but they never get to a point where they apologize or they get they just never get this attitude under control so it really is never going to get there.

How do you under the power the Holy Spirit. Allow yourself to be like okay there behaviors not going to change me being filled with the spirit you're listening to David and Wilson with David and Meg Robbins on family life to where David's answer in just a minute. The first quick question. How would you rate your marriage on a scale from 1 to 10. Be honest. That number may genuinely scare you or make you excited, but regardless of where you are. I encourage you to check out family life's weekend to remember marriage get away husband of 17 years said after the getaway, he said, I have realized that marriage is a covenant not a contract that my marriage is more important than other trivial stuff in life now for the past 40 years. This getaway has impacted millions of marriages and encourage them in the relationship of faith and now through September 19. Registrations are half off.

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Right now, back to the conversation.

How do you respond if your spouse is not walking the power of God spirit you don't see really any change in their life. Here's David Robbins there's the micro Monday and every day that happens and that's the first situations we were and there's also the bigger, deeper rooted issues in our lives and what I would first one is all I think we all agree is never change. Well, there's nothing outside of God's power to redeem and restore. However, when we know there's issues that we go. This is a long-haul journey. This is a trust breach that was huge. How do I respond in the power of the Holy Spirit. Even though this is a long road journey in an issue in this person's life or the stubbornness in someone's life. A lot of rubber meets the road and a lot of marriages get into really helpless place in this point, but Jesus is there for us and I think one of things that for me, and I agree with you and relate with you when it comes I'm an activator on reactor. Let's go get after it was fixed it yells I'm not sufficiently good wiser gifted enough to make this thing work like it was God the test in a red and how to why wait and respond to him. We been talking this whole time about how we respond in a micro moment on the big macro moments. How do we respond at first and foremost in order for us to keep living in the power the Holy Spirit in pursuing those relationships that matter most to us. Even though there may be issues that I'm a nurse stuck issues. We have to turn our eyes to the Lord in our hearts to the Lord have spiritual ears to hear God how do you want me to respond, and it is a big question when we can't fix it right away. And God has to enter in a fresh way and I just go.

I am so often wanting to fix something in my flesh, and God will say I'm going to move in my own time.

Trust me walk with me and there's this story that for me makes it hit home so bluntly for how much I depend upon my flesh was the story of the family that took a vacation in Galveston Texas pretty beach but there's barges nearby.

It's a cargo ship so you know it's interesting that you know but it's people vacation there. I did a wedding, the little elves that I know the song. There you go, you go there's a family vacation there. In this so ugly that it's cute little dog comes running up to it and the kids play with that.

You know what's coming.

Long story short, they clean it up and it's still an ugly dog but it's the least I groomed it and petted it, and they feed it.

It sticks around the kids when the dog comes home with the family and so they're at home now and they have this new dog and they leave it for the first time in their house and they said it away and not get it all propped up and in their home safely when they come back and they come home to their longtime family cat deceased, but better word would be destroyed and there's no doubt who the culprit is this new so ugly that it's cute little dog has blood all over its face, and so they pick it up rush to the vet. The daughter that is rabies what's going on here in the back exit comes back out empty-handed and says well we know the problem.

What you have here is no dog what you have here is an African rat there's a species of African Rasa come from the boats at Galveston's that grow up to 15 to 18 pounds and you fed it. It stuck around, but a rat will always be your rat will always be a rat in the same way our flesh will always be our flesh will always be your flesh.

You can groom it you can have it in church every week. You can keep it away from every temptation you could possibly do, but eventually your flesh is going to pop up if you try to perfect yourself. If you try to respond and go item the buckle down and I'm gonna go try to respond to the situation with all the peace and patience. I can do in my own energy. It's gonna run dry and some people are really disciplined and are committed and can stick it out for a long time, but eventually your flesh is to show his true colors you will respond with fits of rage and anger and jealousy, and that's why we have to depend upon the Holy Spirit and the new resources inputs and us. So now I can call my flesh the rat that I groomed and the rest is so true though I couldn't remember sitting on a park bench with and I'm sure just before so the short story is we got in a fight at a park on this bench on a beautiful sunny day in the summer Michigan so it was just like this beautiful setting people walking by now are in a fight. And so you can't really get in a fight because of people you're in public but I remember being so angry like she's wrong I'm right again were saying this and firm comments. But you know were sort of smiling his way. We should've gone silent and smiling wiping dealer's name was so hurt and I remember in that moment feeling like the Holy Spirit who lives right in this in our soul. If your father Christ he can move and convict and soften your heart, and he was trying to solve my heart.

He was just so clearly was like she's hurting what you said is her even more. All you care about is you. You need to care about her pain was so much. As I held her. It was one of these battles eat about a rat or flesh. It was like I know all that is true, but I still do not want to submit to God, soften my heart and it was a war just sitting there and I'll tell you what I did. It was hard and I remember going okay God we use off my heart because I just I don't have the power to do it is almost like I threw my hands up white flag. Okay do what I can do and it was like this flood of tenderness just hit me. I was amazed. I mean, it really was putting into action gentle answer turns away wrath, because you are softly very gentle and I responded that like it totally took our level of anger and frustration and took it all the way down again. It's a moment that I look back on it was decades ago that you go you know God does still do the impossible. You gotta let them do it is not can override your will, but if you get the point, you say okay got. I can't do this. Would you do it, even in your marriage like I can't see us making it a week or month. I can say God I I don't have inmate what it takes to make this marriage work will say okay now you're where I need you. You know what your famous quote. If dependency is the goal. I don't know if it's my original but it's one that I love and I always say did Rob see as the Golden week.

This is actually an advantage because ours made perfect in our weakness and someone are so weak. I think he's like okay now you're in a place where I can exit you and want to do. I'll fill you to overflowing as you guys were talking about the park bench. It made me think back to we can remember we went to and got the participants. It was something that when we were there.

I brought something to you on a Saturday afternoon that the Lord was softening my heart to I didn't go into the weekend even thinking about it or knowing it was something I was withholding from you, but I remember God soften my heart and me offering up the gift of Jesus, some insecurities I have that I want to bring to you and I want to invite you and on and the way you move toward me in that space, and that became counterpart of our story together is the great thing about weekends to remember they create that space for the Holy Spirit to speak you know, a lot of times we been experiencing this like were just going through the grind and week after week.

This is flooding to the next thing and we don't have that space to look each other in the eye and make room for God to move when you pull away and say you put energy into relationships that matter most are marriages the most. Second, Christ something almost magical happens.

You know you walk in there Friday night. You know you're tired but by Sunday morning and I've seen it we done it for 30+ years, almost every conference we been part of little and big miracles take place. And here's the thing right right now we have a 2-for-1 offer is a true right now. People can actually get half off Lake and have all for themselves. People can buy gift cards and if you know someone who could use some getaway then you get half off for them and give it as a gift, but this is a unique opportunity we only do this twice a year where you could get half off your registration for we can remember so jump on it now. You're listening to David Wilson with the president of family life David Robbins and his wife make on family life to tomorrow. Dave and and Wilson will be joined by Carl Clawson tells a story of how God saved him from addiction and restored his relationship with his wife and it wasn't for the power of self-help, but to the power of God's grace. That's tomorrow on behalf of evening Wilson, I'm shall be at sea back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most