Gary Chapman: Things I Wish I’d Known Before Parenting Teens

I think the most sobering question I raised myself kids were teenagers is one of my children turned out to be like me in every area. Once I drive a car. The way I drive a car but if I handle anger the way I handle anger, but if they treat their spouse.

Eventually the way I treat my spouse. They treat their teenagers the way I treat them welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relation that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find his family life today.com or on our family life, family life today so never forget the day that you told me in the kitchen. This is 30+ years ago that I had an anger problem. Every Monday I mean it was one of those moments where where you didn't say hi and for sharing that. You know, I've never really said literally. I remember your words where I don't want to bring anything up to you and again because you just blow up in anger in the moment. I did receive it but the good thing about it is it forced me to go. Do I have an anger problem and the answer became yes leaving and went to God and asked that question and then I went to my guys that I did life with and long story short, I started to investigate the root of my anger problem and I discovered what it was because I did want to be that guy. Yeah, I think is apparent we have the same journey we need to take with our kids to help them whether their five years older 15 or 18 know how to manage their anger. And so we got a guy in a studio today Gary Chapman back at family today. Gary welcome back. Thank you. Good to be with you your owners violent at my anger problem right out of your but you read about that in your love languages book which so many people know you from and then you know recently you've written a book called things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager we've Artie talked a little bit about this ensured that beautiful heart wrenching story about a moment where you blow up in anger with your son Derek, but how important is it knows you as you wrestle through our own anger, his parents, and then we see that in our kids sometimes years especially.

Sometimes a copy what they saw their mom or dad or both. How do we wrestle with them to help them understand like I had to go on a journey and I was 30 some years old to understand anger in some of the root. How do we navigate that with our teenage kids. Mismanaged anger destroys more relationships probably helps between husband and wife or between parenting nature mismanaged anger.

Nothing wrong with anger. Anger I believe is a gift of God Bible says God is angry everyday with the wicked, we get angry because were moral creatures and we encounter something we believe to be wrong.

We feel anger and we should, but I think there's two kinds of anger. There's what I call definitive anger someone has wronged you wrong someone else and you should feel angry and anger motivate you to go try to straighten things out. We have a lot of all what I also called distorted anger. We get angry because we don't get our way and this is most common in the family teenager to sign because I don't get their way.

They want to go to this party and you told him I can go for whatever reason and I get angry well I think first of all, talking about anger in the family discussing anger in the family because most parents don't understand it either and talk about the two different kinds of anger and how we process anger and if the family can say you know from time to time. All of us really get angry when we just agree as a family. But if you get angry with me you come inside Adam angry mom, I'm angry. Can we talk and I listen to if I get on with you all do the same thing okay when you say John anger can we talk what you're doing is teaching the mosquito that's going to serve them well.

The rest of their lives because we all get angry from time to time, and we should build on the definitive anger, but we also feel it anger, but we don't get our way. And so if we talk about most things. Don't talk about. I never had a discussion later but have a discussion with anger… Let's learn how to handle anger in a positive way and you do that with the teenager you are doing a great service for the teenager because you help them understand the whole thing in learning how to do it and they don't need that when they get married.

And how do we discover if there are underlying issues. If that tenets continually exploding in their constantly think I'm so angry at you but their exploding when they're saying because they're so emotional. How do we deal with that are no angry about this surface thing that they can't go to the party or is there something deeper. I think it's questions ask questions of the team leaders not winter angry but after an anger episode.

Maybe the next day the next afternoon versus John America let us talk a little bit about anger.

You know, yesterday you told me that you are very angry at me because… It up and explain it to little bit because I'm trying to learn you know why you're angry and I will know if I can do something different that will help you in asking questions of the teenager when I start talking. Keep asking questions. They'll tell you eventually they'll tell you eventually said her father wanted to ask your son set up and think about how to be a better father and I like to ask you to give me some ideas on how to be better father teenager will tell you that you and sleep part of their anger is probably based on the fact that you're not doing these things that they're talking about. So if you ask questions and open yourself up for them to tell you how you could be a better mom or better dad you like to discover what's lying underneath the surface. I'm thinking about how our teenagers. I remember when I had a toddler you know that to three year old toddler were in those years were there chest. It feels like their emotions are all over the place and are having tantrums and then you have a teenager. Sometimes that can feel like the same thing going on. Were talking about your book about teenagers, but how do you manage that with a toddler who just feels out of control.

There is no snow melt meltdown tantrums. Well, for one thing, you don't let it work is having a tantrum because you wouldn't get them this cookie or whatever, you don't ever let it work that is not break down and give them the cookie here in aisle checking out to see the candy screaming because they wanted a fall on the yet I follow are there in the car, screaming her head off year, saying don't give in. Don't give them the cookie because then you're teaching them how to get a cookie whatever time you don't let it happen and you say to them if you want to lay there and scream you can get a good scream for what they learn screaming on work so the tunnel will stop to stop screaming. So if you ask your teenage son or daughter how I can be a better parent and you don't like what they say and you get angry. What does that say you have an anger problem and say that that's typically the deal yeah if you ask yourself where you must unlearn this chances are if you look in the mirror my Wellesley while they learned and I know when and said that to me. Our kids were little, at the time, I mean toddler held at probably the oldest might've been five or six. I knew when I settle down and I literally went into my office and got on my knees and say God did you just speak and he's felt like he said yeah. I knew if I don't get a grip on this now it will be a legacy it'll be something I pass on and long story short as I realized when I used to preach on this. I would literally take an extension cord wrapped around my waist and so you gotta go find what that's plugged into you think it's your spouse you know if I would married you. It may be somewhat that, but it isn't there something you gotta dig around and go find and and obviously as I searched through my life is like. I'm still mad at my dad walking out when I was seven with his girlfriend here I am in my 30s I need to go on a journey to forgive him and again it's a long story. We talked about many times here so I go on a journey again think it would take a week because I'm a pastor.

I know Ephesians 432 forgive as you been forgiven. It took for five years before I actually got to the place where I gave up my right to punish him.

Here's the question. So I went on this journey with forgiveness. How important is that in teaching our teenagers to forgive, to let go. I mean, I went on a journey, but now you know I've got a son or daughters, 15, 16, and they've got forgiveness issues. Maybe with you. Maybe with other friends. How important is it to help them walk through a journey forgiveness with adult learn to forgive but I will separate themselves from everybody they encounter because if you get close to anybody I will sooner or later, say something, do something that's going to hurt you, and so he puts an emotional barrier between the two of you and it will not go away with the passing of time.

If I apologize to you, then the biblical responses you forgive them you remove the penalty you remove the emotional barrier. Now, our relationship can go forward if you don't forgive them.

The barrier space there and it will build into a wall after after period of time the person doesn't apologize to you. I like to use the word release you release them to God is the Lord, you know what they did to me and you know how they treated me and I'm going to them explained it to them, but I don't agree but all apologize. So put your hands you releasing them to God, and you put them in good hands because God loves them if I ever confess to God. Gotta forgive them. If I don't then God judges them about this.

So I think learning the practice of forgiveness is a skill that is absolutely necessary in adult life are teenage like to have good relationships will not have good relationships if you don't forgive.

So that's a skill that we need to teach our kids before they get out of our house, so that even if they get into marriage. They know how to do this right and that means we forgive our children or teenagers teenager does something that's horrible and then we confront family apologize. We forgive them and remove all doubt we don't hold it against them. The next day or powder act.

Good yet so much overtime that really comes down to a spiritual foundation that we have and were hoping we can impart or guide our kids to you right about that in your book.

This is a really big question for parents of teenagers.

How do we guide them spiritually. How do we navigate alongside them their spiritual walk help you help parents with that. I think one of the most important things in communicating our relationship with God to our children is modeling what we say we believe, I think the most sobering question I ever asked myself kids were teenagers is one of my children turned out to be like me in every area. Once I drive a car.

The way I drive a car. Oh boy, you didn't have to go to my wife right now is that okay what if I handle anger with handle anger. What if they treat their spouse. Eventually the way I treat my spouse once I treat 13 natures the way I treat them as well. Down the line. It's a sobering question, but if you want to slash the question you get an answer and you will know where you need to change me. I read that toward the back. Your book in Gary.

I'm telling you it was a sobering question is like wow what a great gut check if you don't like your answer. Guess what change right, absolutely because they're going to be far more impressed than far more impacted by what they see in our lives.

What we tell them we can teach them whatever goal the biblical blink we can teach them, but if I don't see it in our lives are not likely to respond to. We said this before but I feel like I did a pretty good job of laying the foundation spiritually. Frank has been there little we did a phenomenal Bible like bringing Jesus and God into the everyday part of life and yet I remember asking our young adult children equity guys remember me teaching and I was so depressed he remembered a factual bio teaching that they did say mom. The thing that we remember as you prayed all the time you read your Bible, and I thought well that's a good thing because they see my dependence.

My need for Jesus and also we talked about earlier, apologizing, asking forgiveness they knew I did that a lot and so I think his parents attend really good thing to remember like what are we modeling member sitting at the dinner table thinking do I have anything to share with my kids and what God has taught me today and when there is a long gap. I thought I need to be in word I need to be connecting with God more. So I have something to pour out. I know that my perspective might be wrong on why so many young people are walking away from church these days. Gary love to hear your thoughts. My thought is, it isn't so much about doctrine or theology. It can be a little bit. I think it's more about modeling their scene the way we live in there like and I don't I know I think you're right. For example, your from my perspective the central lifestyle theme of the Christian is serving others. Jesus said about himself did not come to be served but came to serve and give my life a ransom for others so if the parent is modeling a servants attitude in all of life. The teenager sees that they don't forget that and that's why you I would take our children with me on some of the surface things going to the food pantry elect to go with me. Go pack food and I go I remember that they remember when I would take them in the fall of the year, North Carolina leaves are all over everywhere and I get them in the car and so were going to go find somebody that's over the leaves raked and I knock on the door insights hi am Gary Chapman on the street here. I'm trying to teach my children how to serve and we would like to write your leaves. It would be all right and they would cite say what we never had anybody would let you like the leaves are good and the kids were like the leaves and then they jump in the leaves of teenagers if they were young teenagers were jumping in the leaves and all that and that we would then we drive home was how you guys feel but heaven help some people.

All that it was so fun. You know they see you serving others in whatever ways you know you're equipped to serve others, and that makes a tremendous impact on them and after all if I know God. They come to the place where they put their faith in Christ there is no greater satisfaction than the serving other people skills walk across the campus of University Virginia will be speaking in Cabell Auditorium. A side door into that auditorium etched in stone above the door with these words. You are here to enrich the world and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand thought.

May whatever University had that is a theme but that's what Jesus words of Christ, absolutely. So that's what society our model is so important in teaching them the central motif of the Christian life is we are here to serve other people and both of them now as adults. That's what they do is use a medical doctor you know she delivers high risk babies and she identifies with these mothers were struggling, son works, which is on the street and has for years people that nobody else would have time for which would make sense because your whole life is been dedicated to serving people start out serving troubled teens taking even took your son with you to do that much of language words of affirmation okay and your amazing Gary you know any better in my life is like the service of God get home to you modeling you every time we've been with you. You shared stories about people that you've reached troubled kids that needed help needed a parent and you were there, and so you've modeled that all along the way for your kids and now their lives have been dedicated to serving others. That's really well done. I remember again. It was our youngest spring break his senior year in high school and instead of going on some crazy party deal with all the skit we said hey let's do a trip and you take a buddy so Cody took Matt and we went out of know where we go when I cruised out on a cruise and anyway we have in Florida, probably before the cruiser after all our members in this rental car were driving to the airport or something and somehow I made a wrong turn and we ended up this little cul-de-sac and there was a woman in a car stuck in the sand.

She couldn't get her car out of sin now from Michigan. I know I can rock your snow but sand right and so we drove right by her, and I stopped and said hey I think she stuck. Let's go back and help like what we mean help of Mike. I don't know what the situation is, but it looks like she's in a snow drift. She get get up and so we pile out a car and both of her leg were going to go help some strange lady like really try and we go back there and course are both high school football builders and they end up pushing this later. It was just like it on a snow drift we get. I looked out a snow drift. Anyhow, you guys are big football player. There also about they're going to play college football and we get back in the car and I'm not getting out of what you think in the entire spring break trip including this some credible cruise. That's the memory that I have and they had when we all got back in the car. We were like cheering. It was just this endorphins that we were excited like while we actually help some stranger lately out of just a simple sand thing, but like you said is that active serving others brought some to do our soul. So you see it as a parent we model that get our kids involved in that is conducing thing for them absolutely. Absolutely. Certainly reading the Scriptures to them. Euros are going up and having them in the youth group at church.

All that's very, very positive. You know they're hearing all those things the church and other things. But our model in inserting and other things are model of the way we live our lives is going to have the greatest impact on our teenagers and those of the things are going look back and remember what that testing it takes their eyes off of themselves, which is teenagers.

It's easy to be looking at themselves a lot and that takes us into that mental health or emotional health area where parents are talking about this so much because their kids are depressed or dealing with anxiety. They're not sure how to help and you talk about this in your book to have the love languages can impact that the teenager feels loved. First of all I think that's one of the most fundamental emotional needs that a child has is to feel loved.

If we understand their love language and they give heavy doses of that love language and we sprinkle in the other four is we want the child renders more than one way to love that child feels loud and then I have the demonstration in front of them every day of the live the Christian life. What this looks like a life of serving other people and we bring them into the service thing so they get to experience what you were to talk about earlier helping other people because part of the thing with teenagers is there trying to find meaning to life.

Why am I here what's this all about, well, it's all about serving other people you know from the Christian perspective so we can help them do that they feel good about themselves after they've done it to only push the lady on the site and feeling good about themselves in the realm in this is wonderful and then start looking for places where they can serve some know where we teaching them by our model to follow Jesus and were acknowledging that the reason we are doing these things is because were followers of Jesus, given our lives to him where his representatives in the world were here to make the world better place if I get that image in that picture therefore more likely to follow through with what they've been taught that a Jew ever have to go into your son or daughters bedroom at night after you blew it as a bad model and say I'm sorry I don't remember going to their bedroom and doing that but I do remember telling I'm sorry. On several occasions, but I tried to do it pretty quickly after I've done it so don't wait till for rental bed is with you realize you don't all walk around the block. If you need to cool off, but then come back and say I will apologize. I think they brought that up because I would apologize to my kids right now. I think of you know what happened. As a parent I think men do this, but I do this as a mom, I blew it. I apologize. I asked for their forgiveness and I just can't get over here that self-condemnation kind. So then I would go back into their room apologize again one of our sons wrote about it in the book because I said I just couldn't get out of that run of feeling like I'm a terrible mom kind apparently do this and that son said why my mom kept coming back in. She apologized for gave her right away that I couldn't get over the guilt how we can encourage parents with your listening to David and Wilson with Gary Chapman on family life today we hear his response in just a minute as well is probably the most encouraging part of his entire three-day interview. If you're a parent, don't miss it. That's coming up in just a minute. The first I mission a family life is to pursue the relationships that matter most. You've heard me say that a lot. That means connecting with those around us and serving with all of our hearts. Right now there are two ways you can join us to impact the community around you.

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You can give online@familylifetoa.com or by calling 800-358-6329, 800 F peasant family L as in life, and the word today. Right now, back to David and with Gary Chapman and how to get out of the rut of feeling like terrible parent. I was speaking in prison one night local prison and invited the wives to come in with me in this marriage thing in the Q&A. This father said the prisoner who said that Dr. Sherman asked God to forgive me.

I know he has my wife here has forgiven me and my sons have forgiven me, but what I want to know is how I forgive myself for all the pain that calls other people and I never heard the question before and I think I just gave me this is my answer is that okay stand in front of a mirror and talk to yourself for just myself. You blew it big time you heard a lot of people self when a holy God is forgiven you because of Jesus and what he did on the cross for you parent sometimes say to me when their child is doing something really really bad in there and prisoner.

They got somebody pregnant or whatever the site is what the same office determine what did we do wrong side of them.

God himself had two children Adam and Eve and I blew it and they had perfect father. So don't take all the blame for the decisions you have adult children make because I can make decision pull decisions with good parents know if you know some things were. You fail them to go apologize to them. But don't just automatically take all the blame on yourself for the poor decisions which are you been listening to David and Wilson with Gary Chapman on family life to his book is called things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager.

You can get a copy of that book@familylifetoa.com tomorrow. Steven and Enron deal will join Cheryl Schoemaker as she talks through the hardship of not being accepted as a new stepmom and the importance of waiting on God or journey on behalf of David and Wilson.

I'm shall be added. See back next time for another edition of family life like today is a production of family life crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most