Gary Chapman: Things I Wish I’d Known Before Parenting Teens

So do you know the love languages of our three boys. I think so okay yeah I think EJ number one no doubt he has gifts he is still gifts yes always been gifts killing people easy one to give in terms of liking other guesstimates is like on this morning. He some gifts to I like that going. I guess I think Austin is time.

I think he is just like time with you is well spent, and I think Cody's words of affirmation and I think you are words of affirmation, I think I'm 05. Welcome to family life today. We want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson. You can find us if we live today.com or on our family life. My life today you got Gary Chapman in the studio today with those. The author of the five love languages were just talking 30 some years ago you gave Gary but welcome back to him like today. Thank you. Always good to be back with you guys everywhere just talk about how the book has changed our life, our marriage, our parenting and millions of others, and I'm not generating tens of millions of others, which is unbelievable that God is blessed in such a way that it sold a bunch in your one, but it's still selling more and more each year. I'm amazed at how God is usually book is your your short run every year sells more than beer before it's been translated known published in over 50 languages around the world which really surprised me because my background was anthropology, the study of cultures when the first publisher, Jamie was Spanish. Listen to them up over so I don't know if this works in Spanish you know actually read and they will publish it. Okay then, let's work it out and became their bestseller is the German the French and it went on down the line you know I think it's on the human scene is because this is one of our deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved significant people in our lives intermarried the person would most like to love you as your spouse, you know that book 1st book originals.

This talk about the marriage relationship.

So I think people read it and the lights come on and they realize all that's what happened. You know, we won't speak in the right language and then they want their brother and his wife to read and don't worry about the world fly. Remember when the book came out talking to my older brother and we both are raised by the same mom and dad and my brother sat next to love my my mom and dad and it's amazing they always took us places they did things for us. They did this make it that I was in my 20s I was going through a phase is really struggling with feeling unloved by my parents and her sainted mother never told us they loved us they never touched desk. How do you feel like who cares about that and that light bulb went off like always because my love language is different than his. Absolutely.

When couples get the marriage but begin connecting Philip each of his love. Take some principal courses through parent-child relationships and that's what I remember a young 13-year-old runaway from home in my office and he said to me, but there's no love. I love my brother but no lovely. I knew his parents. The problem is they had never discovered his love language and they were speaking is lovely but they were sincere and I did love him but he was getting emotionally that's why this is so important in terms of parent-child relationship even come to you.

Well, it came out of my counseling would sit in my office over and over again and one of them would say. I just feel like he doesn't love me and say well I don't know why you wouldn't feel loved. I do this this this and this is why would you fill out and I knew people were sincere and missing each other and so I actually read through 12 years of notes that I made and I was so when someone set up Philip my spouse doesn't love me. What did they want to complaining about in their answer 75 categories in a later column the five love languages start using my counseling if you want her to fill a speaker language you want him to fill you guys because language help couples discover their love language challenged him to go home and try and sometimes they come back in three weeks. This is changing everything. So that's where it came from the later of course I wrote five love language. The children for parents of children elementary age kids and then later the five bloodlines are teenagers so because people asked me when they'll be teenagers doesn't love language change, and I said I don't think it changes but you have to learn new dialects of whatever their language is because we treat what you been doing right now consider childish, so if the words of affirmation is there language to get some new words you can't say you sweet thing you you since we did stuff you don't talk like that the more more adult words and the same thing with physical touch.

You demonstrated this in program were talking before when you said you know your 12-year-old €13. I don't don't don't don't don't touch me so you know when they're not intended you. I don't feel with him after the game in front of everybody latest even when their teenager is they still need to know what happens. Gary what we do is as parents we pull away.

We stop doing. You just have to shift it absolutely touches their lives. They still need touch you just do it in private and you maybe give him high-fives instead of hugging and another fact with teenagers is the emotional part of the brain. The teenage years are super super active so they're going like a roller coaster here in the morning if there language is physical touch. You can probably hug over the others hold you back. You know in the afternoon you try to hug you because you don't know what's happened during the daytime and their emotions are affected by their circumstances, so they had a bad day or something happened the day you know they don't let us don't be touch right now so happily sensitive, but I don't think the love language changes in the teenage years, but I do think you have to learn new ways of expressing which I called dialects new dialects of their life really written about it in your latest book, things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. Let's walk through those five, you know, in fact, we had some fun before giving her Gary are our team. Over there in the production booth.

Bruce and JM and Caitlin. They put together the five love languages that teenagers show toward their parents and I might've thrown in a little help as well. Teens of throwback sarcasm.

My roles number three procrastination know it all ism are hiding behind my phone or here's a here's an extra 61. The bonus one is the dad joke on appreciation appreciate appreciate our digoxin. Anyway, those are just you and colors love languages, but it was later to have a hearing to 30,000.yeah yeah I might feed about physical touch with the teenagers different than with a 10-year-old or five-year-old words of affirmation, how would you edit that or have a different dialect as they hit the 15 year say I think in the teenagers you have to use more adult words to them. They need affirming words which are looking for things about them. I noticed that the ballgame the other night when John missed that shot you went over there and you encouraged him and you know you feel badly about missing the shot that's good man when you give an encouraging word to somebody that's just super so you look for things that they're doing that you can really affirm you in the said that when they were five years old, but you saying that you looking for things that they're involved in Nile and affirming them for things that they're doing now our site. I really appreciate you taking trash out that there was very meaningful to me is looking for things around the house that the things that you can affirm them for just looking for different kind of words say so you got the physical touch you got the words you know what the words how do you balance truth telling you know it's going to come out negative or harsh, but you know there teenagers are Macon, like you said there up and down the maybe making some poor decisions you need to speak not affirming words at times how you balance an example, let's say is teenagers in the kitchen.

It feels like every time there in the kitchen. They leave a huge mass. Everything's out, they made a sandwich that I have a lot of architects there opened there's junk everywhere and then they leave their dishes in the other room. I think what you do is you affirm them for something that is positive about them. You say you know John, this will share this with you. I appreciate the fact that you and you tell them something that you really appreciate about them and give you one. One suggestion that would like you even better, and then you tell them the thing that you think would like them better about leaving stuff in the kitchen. Whatever.

Yeah, I think that way you've affirmed the luck what with adults I'm talking to our site. If a wife going to bring up something that her husband needs to change. Telling three things you like about them first and then tell them know how can still helps this exactly what God did remember in this revelation to the church at Ephesus said you doing great is this and this and this told them three things right now. I said one thing serving the poor and then you lost your first love yeah yeah so it's a principal with teenagers just like you do with your spouse.

Tell them something you do three things you like about them.

Initially a here's one thing that would make you much much better something that would really have to say the one thing in a golf. I think I just said three positives and one negative. You just keep coming back with personal you let their response go you don't clobber them of ignoring their being human being human. Okay you let that response go there going to walk away and they go think about those three things you told think about what you asked, and probably they'll do it, but if you come down on you for getting upset. Then you lost the three positives you sorta ended the conversation. I think that's a great principle in our homes and we said this before but start looking for the good. Really makes an impact is absolutely absolute and not just think in reverse type of physical touch.

But I know as a dad of three sons when they were little boys physical touch felt easy to me and I didn't grow up with a dad that was even in my home, so I didn't really have that but whenever boys I'm jumping on the bed with him were crawling around the floor around the family.

I'm hugging them I'm kissing them. As you I remember as they became men. You know, 14, 15, and you got close to their cheek and there is a beard starting if felt awkward like it wasn't even on them as much is on me like do I hug him like I did when there Was can be different, but I felt myself pulling back like man-to-man, it's more of a fist bump which obviously is okay, but they still want physical touch write this in the right place yeah and the right time you think.

Since you mentioned that a lot of fathers of teenage daughters will pull back from hugging them kissing him on the cheek because they heard so much about sexual abuse and I don't do anything wrong here. You know the pragmatic and if there languages physical touch outside of his father's if you don't give them hugs they'll find an 18-year-old boy who will don't go back no robot in a certain sexual abuse thing is no place right in their relationship, but giving them hugs if they pay particular fissures.

Their language giving them hugs and give him a kiss on the cheek. They still need that from you. Yeah what was your daughter awkward as she started to make sure she's becoming a woman. Do you remember that phase you know her languages quality time and I really focused on that. I did hug her and kiss her, but not as often as I would if I do know she was physical touch was her thing but she would always want take walks with me after dinner was her favorite request was dead we take a walk up to us and we walked to the neighborhood and talking about everything and all and she loved it and I would take her out once a month I would take her to breakfast by herself because I didn't something with my son that was not his language but she looks back and says you know there's breakfast that we had together in the walk, so we took together. That's what I remember. That's the highlight of what I remember and to kids will remember that if you don't speak their primary language. They'll also remember remember that you never touch me you never hook me so it's important to learn the love language of the teenager and how would we do that with a team if we've never heard any of that we have a teenager. This is new.

How do we go about finding what it is. Yes, a good question. Teens can feel like an enigma sometimes can't think.

Well, Gary Chapman will help us out in just a minute. This is family life today and if you been listening to family life today. You know how important it is to be a family on mission. We believe that God calls us into community and to serve each other with the abundance of resources that he is blessed us with. Right now there are two ways you can partner with family life to impact lives for his kingdom. First, you can bravely lead a small group study in your home or your church today and tomorrow are the last days you can get a discount on all small group studies with the code 250F. F.

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A family life in a.com or by calling 800-3583 29 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Right now, how can parents better understand their teens love language. Here's Gary Chapman three simple ways. One is to observe their behavior. How do they respond to you and other people. If you hear them affirming other people verbally and that's probably their luggage.

If you see them giving gifts and then it's over there language. If you see them spending quality time with someone else, then that's probably their language to look at their behavior and then secondly, one of the complaint about most often the complaint reveals the love language. If I complained that dad never comes to my ballgames. That's never here to talk with me. Dad never takes a walk with me. Dad never takes me fishing.

Dad never complain that they don't have any quality time with her dad so we get irritated with her complaints, but there really giving us valuable information, listen to their complaints and what I request most often see my daughter was asking me to take walks with her. My son never would walk with me, he said, walking is the drive would request that.

Can we shoot baskets after dinner and the way we shot baskets. We touch each other yeah yeah so you put those three things together, you can pretty well figure out a teenager's love language, but you can also go online and take a free quiz for the think teenager calligraphy quiz is@5lovelanguages.com number 55 Loveland.com is a quiz for married couples as a grid for single adults in this quiz for teenagers. I remember when a fire sounds when he was a toddler. He was so clingy I needed to hold in my making dinner.

I have to hold and when I'm doing things that he would constantly as he's whining that whining trying to get dinner he would constantly say mom play with me. Mom playing with me. Mom play with me time to play with after reading your book. I remember thinking I just need to give him my focused attention even if it's for 15 minutes and so at a certain time of day. I say let's spend 15 minutes together. Kiss me.

Just you and let's just play with. Amazing how that change the atmosphere I'd given that time he was content to planets only do other things that he wasn't nearly as needy as meeting me are having me hold them I thought that was really helpful to see what they're complaining that they need to absolutely what about special gifts or gifts you know some of us as parents to say every teenager that's all they want by himself, but obviously you know that's not true.

But how do you how to respond to a teenager with that's their level and what I think this love language gifts can be tricky because there is no question about it in our culture.

Teams are driven for things to say to the parent if their love languages, gifts, don't think that you have to give them everything – for the parent you give them gifts you think would be good for them. That's what God does for us. God doesn't give us everything we asked for.

I'm grateful for that. He gives us what he thinks is good for us and so don't let the teenager manipulate you and so what if you really love me, you know, this is my love language in your body you when they do that you say honey I love you too much to give you that right now I don't think you're ready for that.

Maybe in another year or two but you're not ready for that right now and I love you too much to give it to you so don't don't feel you have to give them everything they asked for but I do think what you want to do is find out things in which they are interested in. If they're into sports, for example, Anderson cards that, though you know they collect cards. You keep your eye out for cards that would be interesting for them or whatever their interest is you think you keep that in mind. They don't have to be expensive things if gifts is there language you can pick up a stone in a city parking lot and give it to a 15-year-old boy and say hey man, I found this today.

I thought about you look at the colors. If this is language is 23. You'll find that stone in his dresser drawer and he remember the day you gave it to so assist things that I was thinking about you and want you have this one of our sons. Love language is gifts and he remembers every single Christmas gift you remember what I got two days ago, but he remembers every gift. And as we started discovering this. He was a teacher I think he was turning 16. Dave and I reckon to be out of town for his birthday felt so bad that he'd been wanting game system. This videogame system for ages, and we had finally save some money. We thought this is going to be the year we didn't so we we had a pro athlete to stay with the chaplain for the Detroit Lions who lived close to us and we had wrapped this game system up in nice little package in we had Luther Ellis go to the door where CJ was in class in high school not done the door and said happy birthday CJ and handed it to school in class, the teacher let it happen.

He will never like naming any waiting for a long time to get this game that's about it. Me now at Christmas time gifts will show up from Amazon or whatever on our front porch like what is this USOC. Jerry bought his Christmas present from our house.

I will grab you. Yeah, we still can get in think any right it could be something it's not that expensive but something that we've watched him and we know this would be meaningful and he so grateful when other kids might look at and think all thanks that's a big deal yeah it's huge.

What about we have.but acts of service. Only one I think we have left the backs of services doing something for the teenager that you know they would like for you to do. You know we do this with their children. You have to speak this language when their little nose. I can't do anything. So we do everything for them as you get to be teenagers. We also speak this language by teaching them to do things for themselves. So you take their interest if they're interested. For example, in cooking then you spend time teaching them how to cook.

That is a huge act of service. Our granddaughter at the age of 14 could cook a full meal and from that point on she cooked everyone of her birthday cakes because she wanted some teaching them to do things for themselves. Listen, I encourage parents to think in terms of what would I like my children to be able to do by the time the right tenure so because it 18. Typically they're going off to college or they will join the military or they don't get a job. We hope to do something so by the time to get the 18 what would you like for them to know how to do and let the teenager tell you things that they would like to learn how to do maybe I like to learn how to change a tire on a car hauler that University or the military. Whatever their interest is teach them to do these things and I was speaking to a group of professional football players some time ago and around the table was this for five couples and one of them seductive. And here's the thing we been thinking about what we don't do we age out of football because only thing we know how to do is play football ever since were Jesus always know how to do and every one of them chimed in said the same thing once teacher must run low.

More so this language is spoken not only by doing things for the teenager and certainly there will be things you could do for them, but also teaching them to do things that they would like to learn how to do themselves. We've been around three-year-old grandson a lot the last few days and we both know this about him. If we have a job to do. He wants to be right with us so we set a price you want to wash the car with us. He's ecstatic you know he's helping ass and he'll say that what else can I help you left my house, we need to we have some jobs to do so. Kind of watching that. Would you say he probably has gifts that is yeah because Jana's mom said if I need a little time for myself, I say to price you want to do the dishes and he'll stand up there for 15 minutes. Doing the dishes so happy and felt really good clue you find your kids loving chores around the house or helping you do the laundry that could be maybe absolutely love language absolutely listening to you talk about that inspires me because my kids are older near Sawyer's but if I'm a young parent or even have kids committed teenagers. I should be want to be the expert on my kids have no teacher no friend should know them better than I do and that's like you said earlier, opening your eyes watching and then taking action based on what you see that so that's a great step for a parent or parents can learn the child's love learns by the time they are three or four years old by observing their behavior.

Muslims love languages physical touch when he was at age I would come home in the afternoon he would run to the door, grabbed my leg and climb all over me, touching me because you want to be touch our daughter never did that at that age, she would say daddy come to my room only show you something she wanted quality time she wanted my undivided attention.

So is there very early for parents of young children, the love languages there very early.

You can discover simply by observing the human listening to David and Wilson with Gary Chapman on family life to his book is called things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. You can get a copy@familylifetoa.com.

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