Gary Chapman: Things I Wish I’d Known Before Parenting Teens

Apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage or healthy personal relationship and the reason is essential as none of us are perfect for all of us feel you have to be perfect to be a good parent.

You do have the deal was writers welcome to family life today to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find his daily life today.com or on our family life, family life, so we have our youngest Cody called us to think about coming down and then we said to be great while be there tomorrow is yours. I did not fall asleep till three and that's how excited you screamed. I was in the garage and I thought something tragic happened but the reserving of Cody's, because when he was how old you crawled in bed with him while you what you normally do as a mom. Well, this boy as he was younger he had a couple love languages were very distinct one was touch and the other one was words of affirmation and so every night he would beg me to cover some just here and talk to me like put my arm around him and hug him as I did that some I think I just want to go downstairs but you I get underneath and we talk in town like Ukraine. We pray this one might think he was probably 12 – 13-ish and we had time. Didn't I just automatically lifted up the covers this life with him for a few seconds and he said what are you doing I said I just cannot lay down with you out if I walked out of the hallway anything tonight. Love you walk down the hallway.

I sat youngest, and it made me so sad.

Now, now I'm not find that he was pulling away a little bit with his normal some ways it's a welcome to the teen years moment which were to talk about today. How do you navigate the two years as a mom and dad. We got Gary Chapman in the studio, the first I've ever felt like today in Orlando. Welcome family today. It's good to hear that you've written every people know you from the five love languages. I think it sold a few copies you know that has sold recently released a book that I wish we had 20 years ago when you were in Cody was that young things I'd wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager so you know the teenage years.

How many years ago, married 60 years is no other like a pot because she's only 40 you have how many kids just to boy girl first for your load up to good girl just went to retirement your church after 50 years of pastoring 50 years of the same church is pretty good especially for a Baptist Church you had run you out by 10 or whatever survivedfor senior posters and I was plaster twice, once for two years, one for 15 years, but that I was a marriage and family counseling. Working with college students and singles and married adults and was going 50 years ago about any blasting help so many listeners so many people around the world with this concept of the love languages but what prompted you to do the things that I wish I'd known before.

My child became a teenager wrote the first three book series the first things I wish to know before we got married through finds another male had a no member is much easier to seem logical to write one things I was known before we had children well where the teenagers things. I was no books I pick up all they learn something.

Let's hear what they learn a lot of parents you'd only talked to him are afraid of these years the teenager should they be well yeah probably is. So she said this, like his brain is changed and he's just totally different.

Well, you got it right for us.

We loved it. It was fine but is also that scary feeling of all I'm not sure who they are. I print parents say to me, will they ever go back to the person that I know before they were teenagers. Let's talk about you mentioned 12 unruffled get through all 12 but you know you think about okay the first thing that came to your mind, we think, what I wish I would've known about raising teenagers. Well I wish I had been prepared for the change that does take place in teenager brain knew nothing about that. But the reality is, the brain is reorganizing the brain is shifting around, and one of those things is there learning how to think logically and notice a slight learning are not logical. But there learning to think logically and that's why they question things that you taught them for years and it blows parents away and I wish I'd known that that's normal there processing things that other accepted when they were children. You tell them to accept it, but now their thinking is this really true and so normally we say they're argumentative when we see argumentative yeah but if we understood that their developing logical fault would cooperate with it rather than Honda so you know better than that I don't talk about that we stop the flow and we lose influence so we have to learn how to receive their questions and ask. That's an interesting perspective what what made you think that engagement conversation. Now we are helping them develop logical fault rather than stopping the flow was unknown but this argument that's wisdom mean one things we wrote in are no perfect parents book was the teenagers or the live and the question years like you said not all always telling them but asking and drawing them out. I member maybe you're familiar was shot to phone home wrote a book called for parents only, it was really research from teenagers in Paris. One thing she said is just what he said is like when they're small, you sorta give them building blocks of what you believe and what life is about like you build this castle with them is like we believe in God. Okay, okay we we go to church. We are people characters have all these blocks.

She said when they hit teenage years pickup each block and also look at like I don't know if I believe in God and most of the time we as parents just freak out like oh my goodness you're saying that's normal and we should just draw that out absolutely and lead them to things outside yourself and I know what you think I'm big and listen to you all these years and so if their questioning and spiritual things for exactly so. It's an interesting thought, you know know there are people who actually believe that. So what we study little bit you know what we read some stuff what we see and explode like a very think about your wife's Christian.

The only religion you know there's other people are good people and you okay well let's look at their beliefs, you know, let's study their beliefs so you just walk them through. You gotta make it their own. Gotta make my Christianity their own. It's not.

You can't just give it to him.

I think Dave really welcome that when our kids were asking questions. I tended to freak out a little bit more like oh no what's happening what you're saying it's really normal. It's probably a good thing for them to question because what it can do is open the door of conversation with parents and so by asking the question. I love what you said tell me more thinking about with that and even Davies is a great question.

I've dealt with that myself over the years so it does open the door to conversation, absolutely nothing. So many parents when they don't realize that this is normal is normal. They do become defensive listener.

You know you know we told you that all these, you know, you know that's not you know that's wrong to just get that out of your mind you know the kid stops talking to parents to go talk somebody unless the last thing you want, absolutely because there is somebody else and get input from not another parent probably little here.

Talk about this.

If you're saying that the brain is start to think logically.

I also read that they often will make poor decisions because of that, so they're pulling away their making bad decisions.

Parent how to navigate that you were watching it happen. But if sorta normal. Well, it's really hard to specifically poor decisions because we know we're losing really far too many teenagers of the time to get to be a team because of been pulled off in drugs, alcohol or other behaviors that are destructive and this is really really painful for parents is no question about that and that's why we own the early stages of that.

If we sense that something is going on where we we need to be on top of it and be talking to him about that and exposing them like in the drug site exposing them to the reality tremendous material you have theirs go alone and look at all the results of whatever drug it is frightening to read it.

You actually did that with your son right and the other thing was, what must go once a month on Saturday night to the juvenile detention center play ping-pong with the kids and just talk with them individually. Start like a Muslim teenager with me and we would play ping-pong and we talk to the kids and running all and I would tell us the story of how they got there and running home. And so there can I say a man, those guys are your age and I made poor decisions so that's more powerful in my pre-dropped a little and sometimes I would slip a little thing on the newspaper insert argument will read this.

This guy was your age to really say it was but a teenager had been driving under the influence and kill somebody will read this notice anything else just read how are you able to just drop it and letting go my way.

You are so good that I don't know about that by me.

As you look back on your you years with your kids is teenagers, were there any hiccups made you feel like man I was think I wrote about is because I blew it.

In this area. The whole area of anger was use. Remember, I don't know. He's probably 14 and I got into an argument and I was yelling at him. He was yelling at me and them at all saying hateful things and he was saying hateful things in the middle of all of it. He walked out the door and slammed the door when the door slammed woke up really and I said oh God, I thought I was further along than this yelling at the sun.

I love the way out to sit on the couch and whipped just confess to God horribly wash my wife tried to console me. She came into honey, I heard the whole thing. That's not your fault. He started that he's gotta learn how to respect you and you know she was, she gave up because it's kinda hard to console center and so when he finally came back in severe could you come in here medicine that I own and I just apologize to her father should never talk to us on the web. Talk to you and us that I said some horrible things. That's not the way I feel about you. I love you and hope you can forgive me and he said that that was not your fault. I started that I should talk to you that way.

I was walking up the road. I asked God to forgive me and I wish you forgive me and we hugged and we cried, we cried, and then I said Derek, why don't we try to learn how to handle anger in a better way. What if we try this next time you get angry with me just say that I'm angry. Can we talk and also don't listen to the XML file. Also, do you Derek of anger. Can we talk let's learn to talk our way through anger rather than it was a huge turning point of sometime say that was one of the saddest nights of my life and raising my teenage son and want to have to start sad because of my own failure. Happy because he just demonstrated to me he knows how to apologize. So powerful I'm thinking of the listeners. They just thought I let my children all the time. I teenagers like this is just a constant thing here yelling, yelling, highlighting get out of that cycle. You're listening to David and will send Gary Chapman on family life today to hear his response in just a minute.

The first ever been the parent of a teen or know someone who is ill I can be a super stressful time for parents. All the best intentions in the world, but sometimes you just don't know how to help your team feel desperate. Well, when you partner financially with family life, you're helping that desperate parent Dennis Rainey says God loves the prayer of the desperate parent when it be amazing if you were part of God's answer to that prayer. Your support could provide just the right article or podcast just the right time for just the right to be a part of the solution and partner online with us@familylifetoday.com when you get today as our thanks will send you a copy of Jenny Allen's book. Find your people is our gift to you when you give family like today.com or by calling 800-358-6329, 800 F's and family L as in life and in the world today. Right now, back to Gary Chapman and how parents of teens get out of the cycle yelling back and forth. Think first about how to recognize that is not productive your teaching them to do what you're doing and so is apparent we need to apologize. We recognize that we failed teenager and some parents of said to me, well, if I apologize multi-lose respect from us another gain respect they already know what you do when you apologize to your teenager for anything that you know you done wrong your teaching them the skills they're going to need forever because they go failed to break only to learn how to apologize will never have a good marriage with apologize. So I think that's the first step is just recognizing I'm teaching them something I want to teach them what I'm doing is wrong and just apologize to God first and then to the state is pretty amazing as we hear that story about Derek that he's 14 and I think we underestimate.

He acted responded like a man like a full-fledged adult. We often think all this, 12, 13, 14, or just a kid. In some ways, maybe they are other ways they are fully a man or woman right there thinking more, they're moving toward adulthood and so there do not think as a child out there thinking more is moving tossing moving towards or not. That are in process but this is where the time that we've been with them before that in the childhood years are so important because you know he had been a Christian home, we would read the Scriptures in the morning night and pray with them in your all that so he's fully aware of this, apologizing for confessing our sins to God and let me know if you didn't start when they were children yet start when the teenagers you are where you are, you know, solicitor start there and start learning what we need to be doing some of our listeners have little kids you just blew by what you did, I'd love you to talk a little bit about okay if you get a five-year-old sexual one of the Things that can be doing to prep for the steamy teen years, had what we did.

My wife is not a morning person, but she I could see fixed a hot breakfast every morning. I did that to us like Mother Teresa is hers are made.

Yeah so did that because she wanted to be a committed herself that she thought that was a motherly thing to do and she did all those years us as a kid without the college was over breakfast, I would read just of brief passage of Scripture we just discussed a little bit while we were eating breakfast but nothing heavy-duty but just awareness of our lives can be based on the Bible how old were they when he started to their old enough to sit at the table and talk.

Probably I don't know if I'm six years old. Every night we would have a little devotional time, which was basically younger we read about story to the Bible story books and then we didn't pray as a group they would go to bed and my wife are a woman go to the bed beside of them to get on our knees and we would pray that older I started praying to my daughter says that's where I learned Roy so we pray every night. Those were the two things that we did consistently through those childhood years." We took them to church because I think we recognize it. The second exposure other Christians out there in their classes a church upsets this adding to the impact on their lives thinking if Karen can come home apologized. I was impressed that he didn't say anything like, well, how about you is your turn and what you did was wrong. But what if he hadn't apologize what we can move.

I think I would probably just drop that they're hoping you can forgive me and and hope that he would forgive me without preaching a sermon to him because our model or model is powerful when he heard me apologizing to him. He would walk away and think about it if he didn't confess it that he would walk away and think about it and he may come back later apologize if he didn't, he still got that model apologize skin yeah I think you know you wrote about it. There's power in an apology.

We just that move by anyone I mean and I did a little thing about how to rekindle love in your your marriage and us were sitting down, like how to stoke the fire of romance back and immerse you know first thing I thought of was that you would probably think will await when you go to your spouse or your child and say I'm wrong. I'm sorry.

Here's what I'm wrong and sorry about something happens in the soul of that person that always come out the way we hope maybe it doesn't. But something softens and the proverb, a gentle answer turns away wrath. Yeah, absolutely. I think when we apologize to someone there hearing us deal with our failures and I thought that sometimes they apologizing is essential to a healthy marriage or healthy parent-child relationship and the reason is essential as none of us are perfect for all of us fail from time to time. You have to be perfect to be a good parent but you do have to deal with your failures and we apologize to our children and request forgiveness. We don't demand forgiveness because forgiveness is a choice that we request forgiveness of them were teaching them how to apologize and they will eventually forgive us likelihood for apologizing and were teaching them how to forgive. So it's a huge thing that every individual is to learn is how to deal effectively with our failures because were all going fail and apologizing is a huge part of it. I think what we do with teenagers is we feel like our family. I know that is my friends and I have gotten together before we had committed to one another like taking our teenagers constant and realizing and I think it was pushing our kids away like who wants to be someone around someone is constantly criticizing and so when we do that it's harming the relationship, but that apology is you're saying you guys did. They made a pact not to what they are teenagers for one week on an episode, it was one of the hardest because we realize the conversation that generally is happening with our teenagers. If mom is critiquing their kids for all the things they're doing wrong just moms probably but it is not physically but then we decided to an you'll appreciate this because a lot of love languages verbally affirming our case we tried to do that in the midst of it instead of the criticism that we don't criticize or point out try to help our kids but we think is the right of constantly seeing the negative when you clean dishes or print your toys not your toys away your stuff away and get your homework done and get to bed. Kind of wears on people it would wear on me. If they did that to me absolutely what happens. Those children who get constant criticism.

They go into adulthood and they don't have the ability to give affirming words because I never heard them while you know and so were doing them a tremendous disservice. All that ever hurts criticism. So what will they do, but will criticize okay what we do only see our kid, 14, 15 years old and they're just making bad decisions there not listen to mom and dad. We don't want to criticize him.

What we do. I think what we do every time we have a rule or guideline that we have are teenagers which we should or should be boundaries with teenagers because they need to have boundaries, but whenever we decide that this is going to be a rule, something were going to do or not do, let there be consequences and tell them what the consequences are going to be before you do it. For example, you know, you cite the nurse either 16 be driving okay so there has to be some guidelines here and responsibilities some other things. If you don't drive the car.

Our car we help them get a car whenever you wash the car every week on Saturday before noon. You wash the car fixed if you are setting we can do that if you ever break the law you know to call for speeding, you will lose the car for a week. You said it. So now the kid knows and you know what the consequences will be if they break through and so all you have to do you want to get my head since I will send you know what happens to lose the car for we call dad.

But this week got out of the sun. But you know when we break through their consequences. So you stick with it you don't break down like you know what, but all acute friends are going be over there will be over there. I like how you remain cool thing is if you have already told them what the consequences are you more likely to stay cool yeah you say because otherwise we operate all our emotions at the time. If we feel strongly we come down hard on it, or if we just know we kill let it go this time and the kid to know whether they don't get consequences no consequences. But if we all know what's going to happen before they break the rule that all we have to do is just enforce the rule. I remember being a young parent hearing and putting that into action and I remember thinking, this is amazing because they already knew several they broke several and then I can empathize with them. I'm so sorry, that probably makes you so mad or frustrated. But you knew the rule was almost like we've already set this in place, it might've been a little more intense than that in the time that I applied. It is like this works, it's easier for the parent and have to be intentional to put those in place before the absolute is also exactly was gradually slowed moms don't come down. We both agree on it now matters at home whose administering mom or dad because my nose was given listening to Stephen M Wilson with Gary Chapman on family life is book is called things I wish I'd known before.

My child became a teenager. You can get a copy@familylifetoa.com and why you're there you can also save on family life. Small group studies when use the code 25 off again. That code is 250 FF to save 25% on all small group studies@familylifeanda.com through Wednesday.

Tomorrow Dave and Nan are back in the studio with Gary Chapman talking about adjusting our language and how we treat our teens as they evolve into adulthood.

That's tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see you back next time for another edition of family life family like today is a production of family life crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most