Rob Singleton: Overliked: “Connection, Social Media, and Self-Esteem

When the things you're doing are starting to be characterized by getting people to like you.

Getting people to notice you getting people to obsess about you and your one step away from self worship. If there's a one since at least all others is pride. You know how can I get people to like me then how can I get people to love and how can I get people to adore me welcome to family life today to help you pursue the relationship the matter mouth and will think that I'm Dave Wilson and you can find his daily life today.com or on our family life, family life, so we live in the most connected generation ever right, absolutely. But are we connected. I would say were less connected now than we have ever connected socially were connected digitally, but all the stats they were as unconnected as we've ever been.

I probably text my kids more than call them when you say that's true for most parents. I love texting. I asked every time.

Is that of a good of the greatest invention of the world cuts it up at all. You just text zero cricket. Hopefully I'll just text me back and were good to go again and it is a real blessing because you can do that while you're in a meeting that's.

You can do that watching TV shows that a pick of the phone call but there's something that keeps us disconnected about that.

Yeah, I think there's something we mess when were only texting yes we started a conversation yesterday with Rob Singleton. He's back in the studio with us today to talk about this world that we are connected but disconnected so Rob welcome back. Thanks. Great to be here for day to pastor out in Centennial, Colorado the Summit church. How many years been there a been there. Going on six new found in a church in North Carolina wasn't to call the summit as well know that was called South Brook still is okay started real small with a people in God's amazing work there uplifted three churches now help plant seven others well done valid and married. How long 26 1/2 years and you have to kids grown adults don't have a daughter, also unlawfully married and we don't. He's such a nomad.

He such a gypsy I don't know if he ever will get married doing stuff is pretty a man came down yeah cool yeah in some ways he's working in this area that you wrote about over liked is your book about this whole connected unconnected digital world we live in. It's a passion of yours.

You why the hard way. That's how I learned it. Mom and I think I got caught up in maybe what's an easier route of instead of really opening myself up and letting people see my own struggles and things I went through. It's just easier sometimes to put out there and through social media much easier to put out there what you think people want to see what they want to hear how they will like you more if I was just a little more like this I'd have more followers if I said things this way wasn't offensive or never touched on these subjects you know it would be great.

I'd have a bigger audience and that's an easy thing to get caught up in like you did that. I'm not proud of that could dealt with that of my heart and really a lot of friends I have in ministry. See they've all dealt with it if I could help people to not get caught up in that.

That's really what I wrote it and I think that as parents were worried about that for kids are already doing it ourselves are looking at our kids thinking, oh, now I think it's a fear that most parents have today. How do I deal with this because there is in a generation before me, a kind of went through it and they can help me with it because these parents are some of the first ones we transitioned at me. We were born with a device in her hands right see my kids would've gotten to probably about six or seven when it was beginning to appear everywhere now is born today they know nothing of how we grew up. They know nothing of hey go outside and play back when it is dark so I mean there were no helicopter parents. It was a different world. So we knew what it was like to not have people staring at you spying on you reading everything you wrote. You just your whole world out there on the front stage and I don't, so this is just more natural and I think the trap is is far more dangerous today for kids grown up yeah and I and we know his parents that there's positive.

There's good, not all evil, but you have a lot of stats in your book that I had not seen and we've covered this many times your family today. One of them was just a simple statement from your book. I love to hear thoughts on this. The more time a person spends in social media, the lower their self-esteem really absolutely sometimes will sums presented.

It sounds like all this work to gather the silver bullet and when we start doing said thing it doesn't work. We don't say okay this was bogus and give up would try harder.

We present even more as a definition of insanity doing some over and over again. I think you can get a different result. And so I think we do that with social media. I think I heard that you can have like 50 authentic relationships at the most first deep best friend types.

It's something like seven and one. Yet even seems like a lot to me. Yeah, yeah, but when you about thousands a minute look on my Facebook page. I don't know 98% of those people. I don't know.

Sorry if that hurt your feelings. I have no idea who they even are. How can they really be a part of a category there calling friends push came to shove, they said who is this person you can't even answer that. And yet it's crazy that we could walk around thinking.

I feel better about myself because I have 10,000 Facebook friends are a thousand or even 500 that matter, a number that sounds significant. And yet, like you said we don't know hardly any of those. What is in our DNA that makes us feel good about that.

You know I think when you really want to change a culture or you really want to shift control. I think it starts with words change the definition of words and when you look at what friendship Jesus said this to the disciples you you are my servant. You were my followers. I now call you friend when he said to follow me gotta take up your cross and follow me. So here's two words we use today friend and follower is going to the cross and saying were so close to your my actual friends and to really follow me. It's not light it's gonna be like taking up a crucifix real cross and dragging that around in life. How does it compare to clicking a button and becoming a follower. How does that compare to putting a thumbs up. They could not be further apart so the definition of friend of follower is just completely changed almost 180°.

That's why it doesn't deliver because it doesn't even mean the same thing anymore, and yet to cultivate a real friendship is really hard work to get a follower, not so hard like how many people would you say they really know me. They know all my deepest staff do you have sent a handful.

Yeah I am full.

Yeah yeah I don't think it's really going to be much bigger than that for anyone anything real hard work.

Having people come to me as a pastor in a grocery store, you name it go. I really know you and you just think you don't know anything. You only know what I feared in a sermon, but you do need only three or four men in my life I had women in your learning.

I need at least one that knows everything going on in my life and year like I have been for sure kids but if I didn't have that feel incredibly lonely. No matter how many followers I had no matter how many likes because I'm just portraying a seat. I said a surface of who lands not the real me and the fear is that they really know me, will they like me to really know you, you're going to have to be vulnerable, exact, and that's something nobody really wants to do their freight if I'm vulnerable. That means telling you the truth I want you know that you won't likely exactly you asked earlier. Why is this such a big problem. How did this happen off-line again.

We're talking about some other interviews and stuff I've done. It is typically parents or grandparents or by the book the word about the kids the word about the grandkids and the hand.

This often they'll say now how can I make sure they really study this or that this really works and I'll tell him some they don't always want to hear, which is you don't read it first and go through it in your own life and deal with these issues. Don't act like this is not a problem. It is a problem. It's an age-old problem.

It goes all the way back to the garden and Adam and Eve when you think about that. The serpent, the temptation.

There was don't follow God.

There's something better do this one thing, you're not allowed to do one thing you have the one tricky. That is forbidden, and you'll actually be like God, knowing good from evil and when I think about Paradise and all the things they were allowed to do the one thing they weren't allowed to do was like a five euro kid only thing he wants to do is have a cookie or touchup dessert.

That's how Adam and Eve were but the promise was the one that Satan himself had broken.

He was the worship leader in heaven, he directed worship to God as he deflected worship to God Almighty, he began to want to absorb it begin to receive that worship and I think I want this, you know, why shouldn't I be God. And when that failed, that's basically what he tries to get everybody to do throughout history get you to worship yourself. The reason I wrote this the real hidden sin.

The big temptation is as old as the garden it is, you know, how can I get people to like me then how can I get people to love me then how can I get people to adore me.

How can I get people to obsess over me to understand people here in this might be going. I don't do that well maybe you're not at the adoration phase, but if you get frustrated because someone unlike you are on follows you, then the sword of the tentacles of that trap are already there, and so people go. What's too many likes what is the over and over like yeah tell him it's not a threshold is more like a foothold is not like 10,000 likes means of warning signs get to go off your approaching over like you're not. It's a mindset shift when the things you're doing are starting to be characterized by getting people to like you.

Getting people to notice you getting people to obsess about you and your one step away from self worship and if there's a one send at least all others is that his pride is getting people to making life all about you as I'm hearing you talk and think and then it's like it almost can determine your mood how you feel about life based on likes. I think I'm old enough to know that that could easily happen and so I was thinking about when our first book vertical marriage came out Fox news. We did not like they ran a piece of our book and their media for the weekend. Fox news opinion I think was gone and it ended up on getting a ton of people reading it. As a result, there were a ton of people. They commented on and Mina were coming from a biblical viewpoint of marriage and so one of our sons called and said whatever you guys do not read the comments short because some of them were really nice and some of them are really mean and I know me and this is where I feel like there's a spiritual battle going on is not the nice ones that I'll hang on the negative lines and if I don't if I'm not careful. That will play with my mind and it say it. He said it can be a foothold for the enemy to start whispering rise and so now, as I've gotten older I didn't I didn't read any good or the bad because I want to go before the father say father God, what you think.

And for me that's my safest place to be. I've never gotten into it.

You knows like I knew before CJ, our oldest son who's really tech savvy before CJ said I don't look at the comments on my gun.

I elegantly these comments because I know it can happen. People love the fire shots of people that they don't have in the room right in front of him, so I didn't do that but I know that as I watch our kids, and other you know the next generation.

This is the world there live in in their like of course I read the comments why when I read, so want to learn from the comments and so I can watch again MSN above that I didn't grow up with that. Like you said we were handed a phone. We are adults they been handed a phone since her 12 years I watched us handle phone yeah so they've had to live in that world is a different reality for them. So is apparent how you help them navigate that because you're watching them especially middle school teenagers try to navigate the social world likes not like them up, thumbs down world. How do we lead that we help them as parents were tempted just cut it all off like you're done.

That's David and Wilson with Rob Singleton on family life today we hear his response in just a minute sure you're probably still frying in the heat. But you excited for the fall. It is for me. There's that map of crisp air. At last, and after all the weird schedules and not seeing your people. The kids go back to school and small groups start up again which is great because God made us for community now's a great time to check out family life. Small group studies@familylifetoday.com where you can use the code 25 off to save on all small group kits promo code 25 ohff@familylifetoa.com right now, back to David Anne's conversation with Rob Singleton our kids. They were the last to get phones there were the last to get any technology.

The lax kids in school to get to have a Facebook page and I think there's too many parents try to be there kids friends stood in the kids parent. They want to be liked so much. Instead of loved and honored. So, I mean take your shots early. As a parent you know hold back on that as long as you can, given them a phone and when you do you monitor it. Make sure they don't go to bed and take it with them step till two in the morning going through Instagram or tick-tock or something and teach them Scriptures, they can recite and put in the heart before they even go on limited time filter it. All these things that you can do little to make it public enemy number one for about two years on us and maybe not even that long, and parents are so afraid of that. Yeah, but those of the same picture talk to five, six, seven years later, who feel like they've lost their kids entirely because that you know that there kids are fall is the old thing.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything and their kids are falling for everything now because the parents didn't stand for anything, so monitor it, filter it taught him how to talk about it. Talk about. Here's some crazy talk about the positive ways you can use it again. I feel To see this over and over, and I'm not some cave dwelling monkeys sitting throughout all the technology I use it.

One of things Republican to do as I do interviews is so ironic is people are tell me where people get a hold of you go exactly on the last guy that is in you say it so we just say that I've got, you know, some decent platforms to proclaim God's word with and I love it I love getting good news out there. I love helping people. As long as you're using it for that is fantastic. It can just be used for good or bad coming. Speaking of parents we had Jonathan McKee on he is one of the best.

I think it helping us understand social media and coaching us as parents and how to help our kids so you play clipper what he had say and I love to hear you respond to a Rob also. I think sometimes as parents we feel this pressure to block out all the bad stuff yeah sometimes walk up after my parent workshop. The walk up to me the hemi-advice and like show me how to stop all the bad stuff from being on this.

This is my daughter's phone, but honestly it's like we get some time, so thinking we need the box, confess think that's why messed up as a parent I think sometimes I was so worried about blocking out the lies where should have been more concerned about telling the truth like you know been crucified Christ behind no longer live, but Christ lives in me such a contrast to the outsourcing.

It's time we just look at me more likes followers. Here's what matters.

Christ in me. Well first I thought of was greater is she that is in me than he that is in the world and by the grace of God.

Both my son and daughter are following the Lord with their whole heart going after it. And people do ask me and us a little bit of a awkward moment will. How does your kids turn out so great is that we had no problems that we did. We had our our fair share of problems, but I do know that we talked a lot and we talked about everything and we prayed together we almost didn't miss a night from being in the womb and be praying over them all the way through their elementary, junior high, just we prayed every night. We talked about things so yeah I can remember them showing me what's on their own Facebook are showing me what's you know what they're saying and thinking back now you know is really cool.

They were never really afraid to come to me and show me or Michelle my wife. They would talk about it. That must've come from just years of being open to that. So know when I saved filter or limit interesting use common sense and was something pops up and says you're spending an average of eight hours a day on social media Psalms got a kit that you know what you are what you think like you was there before, so you've gotta gotta balance that there's some some kind a hard parenting that goes with that as long as I know that you love them, and you're talking about this with them when you're on this journey together, I find that's a whole lot easier to do than swooping in is the daddy never had time for him didn't pray with them and you know saying you have all the answers.

There's a lot of resentment. This probably built up all there can be think it is, why did you do this sooner or why you acting like you care now always feel like I have to be careful when I say this because her could be grandparents or parents going well. I'm having trouble now. My kids 18 I already blew it.

Honestly, through the power the Holy Spirit is never too late. It is never too late to write that ship be honest want to talk to him and tell him that you feel like you messed up and that you really do love them inured this parenting thing you're learning to but can I have a fresh start. Can we can we spend time together they'll probably honor that if is just honest and you said earlier, it's what we modeling done this verse is saying is that I've been sitting at a park and looking over and see and maybe teenage middle school girls doing the selfie thing you know is on around the park emeritus seven SMS and then there you know I'm assuming there can be post and that in here I am. You know I'm doing totally judge and look at them. They are selling it as though they think their world is going to be, you know better if they get this picture out a nearby like some and then less than three months later I'm with my granddaughter in Colorado and she says happy you're always on your phone no.

Just drop set in the I look over Nan's like shaking her head like I've been telling this forever and I mean it stung when she said that I may, I would love to sit here and say I went you know I thank you that was there was a word from God. I just looked like… JK our property. You're always looking down at your phone and she is walks away babes. Yeah, I felt like God was said yeah you are judging others and look at you you not posted his RAM photos what you doing same thing you're doing your missing life right in front of you because of a wonderful device I gave you called digital and it's awesome.

And the word of God's getting to places they would never get but it can be a dark alley if you're not careful. So it's really easy to even think about how to help our kids when we got a look in the mirror and say I start here as I've listened our conversation.

The thing that has really struck me was because both of my parents have recently passed away, but my greatest memories are all of us sitting around the table.

I'm the youngest of four kids and mannose conversations were amazing because my parents asked us what we thought.

I parents assess how are you doing my parents asked what's going on in your life and what's going on in your friend's life or what he feeling you feel pressure about my parents weren't even walking with Jesus at the time that there was something that happened around the table that I felt like I really matter to them. I want to please them because they love me and they want to know me and I'm thinking fire listeners with families of blended families, single parents, like there's so many different families but sitting around the table and asking your kids what you feel about social media. What's going on how you feel if you get like three don't get like to maybe if you have a little kids I need. I think the time kids to get a phone those conversations build unity. They make your kids realize this matters my mom and dad matters to God. And so it's kind matter to me and I like that rabbit you said your kids came to you and asking things, asking questions that you thought wow this is pretty amazing to let you houses they can conversation concert tonight.

Yeah, I mean I'm sure is a lot of families aromatic conversation like that in days, weeks or months, you can start tonight and you know and instead just pass and I'll tell you one thing I noticed every single day of her life. He called her until the last breath. They taught daily and watching that as you know, as his son-in-law, but now is a dad. I'm like, that's a model I could copy you know that's that's the gift of a cell phone you can communicate not just through text but you can make a call and it's most important call you make today you been listening to David and with Rob Singleton on family life to a is book is called over like crippled by social media. You can get a copy@familylifeina.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That's 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today also. All this month when you help reach more families with God's truth by giving to family life we want to send you a copy of Jenny Allen's book called find your people is our thanks to you when you give this month@familylifeina.com when you call with your donation at 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today.

We are so connected as a society, yet people are lonelier than ever.

What is going on. What should we do well next week. Dave and Anna are going to be talking about just that with Jenny Allen to be a great conversation. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David and Wilson.

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