Kay Wyma: Change Your Response–Change Your Brain

So I have a confession.

He is in some ways it could be a big one, often I have a hard time being thankful. I can remember once I was down on the Detroit Lions sideline. You know NFL football game as their chaplain and were getting beat again, you know, you stand under God.

This is terrible. I hate this. I don't want to be here. I'd rather be anywhere else. And then it hit me here in the Centerville Stadium and that billions of dollars and paid for.

Always be worse in the stands who paid lots of money to be there and I'm like I'm complaining standing on an NFL sideline.

Young people want to do that. Welcome to family life today when we help you pursue the relationship the matter mouth and will not Dave Wilson and you can find his family life today.com or on our family life, family life today we'll talk about that because we have K-1 back in the studio with this, who is one of the most positive people I ever met my wife and me as I was on your lunches like you two are two peas in a pod welcome back family today. Thanks for having me back your smiling as you say you wrote a book about being thankful called the peace project would yes just this and we've Artie talked about choosing every single day you don't use it for 30 days doing experiment to choose to be thankful and to act kindly and to show mercy to people I pass as I was listening to you to both of you tell stories about you know how thankful you are. I was like man I love your new stories. I just got be honest there are times where I want to choose it and I feel like I'm like locked up like stock, is it ever hard to choose it. I do think it's hard yeah I think that's the first step I will you do you just believe II look yes thank you for I didn't think you have to just do it now. It's the Nike just do it and you do you just do it because you don't feel like it for sure. I think sometimes it's the best when you don't feel like there was that one of the stories in the butt that I really loved, especially about thankfulness was that reporter that was from the United Kingdom that had interviewed Renée Brown and she was super dubious about gratitude really go on Amazon and to gratitude journals and that probably 50,000+ I mean there's times that she just was sort of like it for you. I'm glad that works for you. And when they got off of the air, whatever. However, they were doing the interview Renée said to her this quote which I left. She said it's not possible to be stressed about something when you're being grateful for it. That's really deep and great, and so she listened.

This reporter listened and she thought, you know, I just cannot try it because she wouldn't have categorized herself as a grateful person, not an ingrate but just kind of I just it's great for other people thanks but no thanks and so she started doing it in her own home. Simply being grateful and it was one of those things that changed everything for her because it is that powerful power that surrounded it really has the most to do with perspective, which is what happened on the football field. It took you out of the moment.

That stuff going on an enemy that is great that this football team is losing or whatever and it's just like please just get me out of here, but when you for a moment start to call out those things for which to be grateful. It changes that and what stealing your piece gets pushed off to the back burner and pieces ushered in, and because no longer is it like, oh, if only our wedding. For comparison, usually is when you're not grateful because you're looking at what everybody else has, instead of what you have and those get pushed to the back burner because you're not thing about that and you're looking at what you have to be grateful for and I think that's the biggest power about it yet K is your say that I thought even in my situation on the sideline yeah you said this yesterday. It's like when you look up you know you saw the sunrise and just reset your plate, but I don't remember exactly, but I did look up on the sideline was an outsourced 80,000 people and I'm like I'm in a stadium on a site. So it reset my perspective and I was just when you were saying as I thought of familiar with Psalm 73. But it's this interesting saw my memory years ago worse.

ASAP is complaining to God. All reasons he says.

I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness first part of the Psalm as I think a lot of the supply done is like wicked people seem to be blessed and the writers seem to be in trouble and then it get a job down here but me basically complains for 1314 verses that I keep my heart pure for nothing that I keep myself innocent for no reason, I get nothing but trouble all day long and he goes on and on and he said I'm trying to understand why the wicked prosper. What a difficult essences and in verse 17 it changes. He says then I went into your sanctuary of God, and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked, and this is moment where he went vertical he looked up he again to his way of saying I wanted your sanctuary minutes. Like I stopped and I said God I don't understand. I looked in the whole rest of the Psalm is like okay now I sort of understand that's totally your sin right now because I'm done for myself because there's times where it's hard to do that, but it is a moment where you sort after the pause button and say and that's with 30 day experiment is like him for 30 days will do that, I get it to look up to you grateful for this Ecclesiastes is right along that same time, it just says bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people and Solomon is like. Good luck with that.

I figure that out you will be doing it the rest of your life and you never will now and then he says, but what is the gift to us is our 12 to just go out and do what you're supposed to do and that the it's the joy that comes with that. That quote is the gift of God and and so in this process of just being able to exit for a moment whatever it is that stripping us up and you feel a certain way, like you feel unsettled or in discord like if you're feeling that and in that moment find something for which to be grateful.

And yes, it's like who really wants to do that police and it's for you. It's so many things that is for us and I think in practicing that because so often the Lord will say this is for you is for you, even the hard times are for us and I don't want the hard times we don't want for it to be unpleasant, but if we can land in that place and trust and faith and know that it's for us that something in it is for us. That's where gratitude is such a helpful tool. It sort of jump starts the rest of the story, but more than anything it primes the pump to be able to move from the thought process, which is where gratitude is to actually doing something, which is what takes your thoughts and cements them in the sink and we talked a little bit about the neuroscience last time because I like to know why.

Like if this is working. Why, because really the way your brain functions. It's through your neural pathways and the synapses that are going on in your brain. And here's an amazing thing about our brains neural plasticity, which means that it can change okay and said when we started the soul 30 part of what made me want to do it is because I was it going okay if my highest traveled neural pathways are the ones that have to do with frustration or fear or worry or anxiety. Even if your positive person that is a rat in your brain because it's your brain has been working since you were a little bit like you drop a kid off at Mother's Day on the anxieties like they can't breathe well that's part of what's forming the past in their brain change that.

What is my first stop was that because they're such a deep breath and anxiety, worry, or anything like that piece gratitude. That's worth a little effort because just tell you it works because we had lived the easiest life. Most people haven't in the last few years. There was no way for me to even imagine that it would exist. And for me personally, I'm so thankful for this project because of how it put fuel in our tank. Before I even knew I tank was going to be empty and it's significant and it's real and I can tell you, having lived it.

It's worth the effort because of what you get. On the other side and so much of that is deeper, more intimate knowledge and experience in God, which I think we would all love and it's I guess what you could do that any day you can do it. I love you set it and you wrote about it where when we choose thankfulness and then we show kindness and it comes back out isn't just the other person is trying to get the kindness not only does it change the way we think, is as we practice it right. We feel better by being kind.

There's a part of your brain that actually lights up when you're when you're practicing kindness, especially if it's just being kind without getting anything in return. There's a spatial area in your brain that is only activated by doing that. How is fascinating that you really were created for this. Let's play with that because it's incredible what it does for you physiologically when you look up and yoga uses this a lot. Looking up, and breathing deeply, and the reason why that helps you is that we have a nerve called the vagal nerve that literally goes from your brain and it wraps around to your torso down into your got and when you breathe when you take a deep breath. It reset stat nerves. That's why you feel better and so it's like trying these things because they're good for you take it the extra mile to be able to see the bigger picture that's happening with the Lord's perspective being allowed to inform whatever the situation is especially including the people. So yesterday I was honked at all the time now. I think you are just frustrated and so I was turning I was in the late I'm supposed to be and there's no reason for this person to honk at me and that they honked at me I had a lot on my mind and I was like sure my 19-year-old son is with me in the car and he was like okay stop site. Don't get angry. Why would you getting at that idea what's going on in that guy's day and this is where it's like if you don't think it spells out onto the letter. Next you. He must know that it works or he wouldn't be telling me that.

Anyway on this guy. So he says to me don't get angry at the sky and I did I did I was like you're right and I needed grace to because I was like you know it's been a really long day I've had a lot on my mind. I think that's why kind of got a little bit angry sitting next to me and he said I totally understand that and so graces that play to all of this and Christ is such a powerful powerful source that again. Do we really tap into it. I'm not sure that I mean obviously you know the third aspect you called Mercy Grace. That's a huge one. It's kindness is hard in itself, but then down to extend your kindness to someone and that we could punish that maybe deserves what they should get from us and you said it, we can't do mercy in our own strength. I don't think we can.

I think this is where the soul aspect really comes into because this is the part where we really have to tap into the things of the Lord because it involves forgiveness and involves grace and involves compassion. It steers clear of things like bitterness and bitterness is a great example of the antithesis to mercy, because you would have a right to be better for something that happened to you that was wrong and so is letting go of that actually saying it's okay that somebody hurt me any answers. No, that's not what it has to do with it all has to do with freeing you from not having any hold on you.

One of the things as you talk about mercy that hit me is at the family life. We can remember that and I've been teaching for 33 years… Marriage weekend getaway for couples and even engage couples the first time we went we were engaged, and I'd never heard this concept taught and I don't know any other merge conference.

It teaches this concept is from first Peter three were Peter writes when you are insulted instead of insulting back give a blessing instead. In fact, he says that you will inherit a blessing. I'd never ever simple concept never heard where we were with somebody insult you, hurt you so Sumter does some wrong.

Instead of hurting them back which is euros.

The way the world we we applaud people to movies where the bad guy gets what's doing it up and applaud. So it's like in our DNA, but Peter centered on your insulted Gless back and who is a user example Jesus who was insulted, he blessed back that's sort of what you're saying.

That is the essence of St. blessing somebody being kind to them, or given the mercy talk about how to do that kind not natural for incident will that's David Wilson with KY mop on family life today what your case response in just a minute I told you at family life. We believe God does some of his most amazing work right in ordinary health. Whether that's a small group Bible study or laughing on the floor with your kids or sharing a meal with your neighbors. The home can be the launching pad for God's work in this world and if you believe that to.

Would you help more families experience this by partnering with family life all this week as our thanks for your financial partnership. We want to send you a copy of casebook is called the peace project a 30 day experiment practicing thankfulness, kindness and mercy.

You can get your copy when you give this week. Family life today.com when you call with your donation at 800-358-6329, 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Right now, back to Dave and Anne's conversation with KY my and sometimes apprising the difficult task of being kind to those around. I think the best way to start is by practicing on strangers like the air right now and so it might get you in the mode of actually thinking that way you practice that night just even the honking guy to be able to say like my child said, you just don't even know. So that's the first thing is to get sick is one of the cores at the center. Mercy I think is why Mike if you can ask that question. Why is he being this way or why is she acting this way someone close to me is definitely aged and older and has had a lot of physical ailments and in that is kind of lost senses and so recently we were together with another person and he was getting so frustrated because he couldn't remember the name of what a very simple object lesson, the more frustrated he was, the more angry he was getting in the anger was definitely spilling out over us, and in that moment we could either go now and walk away or for that moment, she will go why is he so frustrated what's happening here in the why is he can't remember and sell at the core that is fear and so if you can get to that place to actually see what's happening, then you can have compassion without it being super hard and then be start practicing on the relationships that are close to us because those are the ones that have a lot of history and to be able to go.

Why is it that she always does that say no and possibly preempt it. Preemptive mercy is super helpful to be able to say I know that we are about to move into the situation is to be really hard and so please give extra measure to your sister please give extra measure to please give extra measure to me, and if at all possible.

If we do with other people. He might be able to do it with ourselves because when you look in the mirror.

I'm telling you where the hardest on ourselves and to be able to give yourself a little grace and give yourself a little mercy is all powerful and just then, in those moments get tiny little taste of freedom and it's so good. That's where you want your neural pathways to be landing because the freedom spot everything for that is for freedom that he has set us free and blood cries out for us. We have been made righteous. And it's like we could not longer day by day by day. Will we ever be perfect on the side of heaven know you don't know, maybe we can enjoy more and more moments of that freedom, and in the freedom that's right. Feels the past to be able to care about the people that are walking next to him. I think Katie started by saying I'm so positive, but I would say our first 15 years I was in an think I had that freedom. I wasn't because I was so locked into my own needs my own letdowns. My own appointment with her husband yeah and I had my eye me as early as really my eyes were not there but it took me a while to learn that I can remember starting at this point, Jesus. I keep doing Nike, I don't have the power within me.

I see the negativity and the brokenness of myself. I see it in those around me and I'm in a habit of just saying all of that to everybody and I thank Dave didn't want to be around me and I was critical of our kids all the time it took work and I love that you're in a 30 day because it takes 30 days. Generally speaking, to break some bad habits and to get out of those grooves that we've done so deep I think Jesus can do absolutely and that's the exciting part is because he never said to do it on your own part of this delay and it's by and through him and for him are all things come experience it because it's incredible. In those times we go.

I cannot do this. You never said I had to take that. I think it's so powerful is this experiencing God because he is compassion like he is shalom he is peace.

His name is Jehovah shalom like love you know God is love is the beautiful first Corinthians passage yeah because in all these things, and of course we make it about ourselves, will I have to be patient.

I think I'm becoming a mother is like life… I know I never have I ever lost like I can even do the first one so I even go to the rest of amino. However, that's not really what he said he saying this is who I am. I am patient.

I am kind I'm slow to anger, all these things that when you engage with love, your engaging with him and changes the story doesn't end.

And that's where practically speaking, I had no idea because I did not go looking for this. I really didn't. I was hit over the head with that it was shipped on me.

I'm so thankful that I thought about it for a minute to go with it some. It's different here and to say I want to change. Let's try and see what happens and to be on the other side going thank you thank you thank you thank you I had no idea. And now, whenever I feel discord whenever I feel unsettled whenever I am concerned whenever fear is entering in anything like that I might get switch the thoughts and if I can find a way to practically engage with something that has set to do with encouraging another person in an act of kindness or through an act of compassion that I think you is a list here and I'm thinking the 30 day experiment is almost really a 30 day meet with Jesus pause long enough to connect with your your king, the author of your life long enough to shift your perspective to be thankful to use kindness to practice mercy. Our youngest son started a prayer house ministry is really discipleship ministry, but part of it is so aspect but one of it is every day from 9 to 10 in this little area in Lake or in Michigan. He says come for an hour prayer is just even when he said like you do a prayer house you because that one just come one okay so I went and got a preceptor leaving some worship, but it really isn't like sing with me is just like him in worship since Cliff got a truly temporary and do whatever you want and maybe somewhere come up on the mic in prayer.

I went in there and I was there an hour and I thought to myself this is so refreshing to be still and know that he is God's own 46 and the two kids came to me. Why don't we do this more mark on our life because we rush rush rush we complain complain complain were matted everybody were honking back out among the worst. There's nobody worse than Jimmy Carter. Everybody but me is that you're driving because I'm the only perfect driver and I just sat there at the this moment is resetting my soul. You may walk out.

You feel better you're more kind and you are able to extend mercy because you have received mercy, and I thought that's what the 30 day experiment is you now challenge people say stop long enough to connect with him and he's going to give you what you need, not just for yourself but to be kind and merciful to others in practical speaking, you don't have to know the Bible verses or anything, just do it now and it is a beautiful reset actually put so much feel in your tank that so many of the things that will go all we have to do this in order to do do do in order to be okay. I need to be doing this. You go from doing to being a reflection which is really what it's all about because it's coming from the inside out because this is the part that impacts the soul and said you you're doing it. Actually, this part of life. That's where the abundances even in the circumstances that stink have always been amazed that the Lord slept on that boat in the middle of a storm and you know it was a bad storm because this or seafaring men that knew the sea of Galilee and their him and if they were freaking out. It was bad and there was one person asleep and it was the one that knew they were getting to the other side and we are tapped into that piece of Paul's beautiful statement in on a secret to being content, whether in planning or whether and want. That's what it is. It doesn't matter if it's the storm it's the same piece. If it's the happy days. It's the same pace and that's why think Solomon's not going.

Here's the deal. Just do what you were put on this planet to do Philippians 4, which surpasses all understanding right. Yeah, that your living yeah I want that to be my neural pathway and it can be you been listening to Dave and and with KY on family life today. Have you looked at the yearbook lately from when you were like 15. First of all, what were you thinking wearing that and second of all, do you remember what life was like back then. It's a time when you can really struggle with figuring out just who you are is apparent it can be pretty tricky knowing how to help. Let me just say getting a copy of the passport to identity is a good place to start, a chance to get some quality time away together one on one. You listen together to biblical teaching on what it means to be a young man or young woman. It's quality time. That's just priceless.

Today is the second to last day you can get passport to identity young man's addition or young women's addition for 25% off using the code passport. Just go to family life today.com or call 800-358-6329. That's 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today and tomorrow. David and Wilson will continue their conversation with KY, much as she unpacks the fact that the worth of others around us is you that's come up tomorrow on behalf of Damon and Wilson.

I'm Shelby Abbott back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most