Heather MacFadyen: Don’t Mom Alone

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It was very humbling. I found very quickly. I think the had even left the hospital with my oldest and I was in tears. What is it that so hard.

I know that that guys like me listen to God seriously. You are like our world.

I really that hard. Welcome to family life we want to help the relationship. They will soon and you can find a family life today.com or on our family life, family life today after 36 years of you mom I want to know the and Wilson secret the mom's secret world every three sons.

Now we have grandkids you done it if there's like one secret. I think the thing that surprised me the most is how much I needed other women other moms in my life to encourage me here saying that I don't think I had any idea how lonely I would be as not because we moved to Detroit I was pregnant, had a baby yet in the church. I didn't have the community and I was dying. I was miserable and I was blamed for all. I really didn't blame you that I needed women and I think you're right everything were talking about. That is because we have Heather McFadyen with us who's written a book called don't mom alone, Heather. Welcome to family life findings for boys. As a mom of three boys and two boys moms in the studio you have a certain quality that pull something out of you in reaction to all of the boy being in the environment and our listeners what you do and even your podcast so I began writing online before Facebook was a thing and then trim will long time ago, 2008 how you say that you like blogging or just writing articles about blogging.

This is what people do lies in my parents neither one lived in our cities. I was like you, you know, isolated from community and from family and so how you updated them as you wrote online and shared.

We went to the cited that kind came in ministry where I was sharing what God is teaching me and I transitioned into a podcast in 2013 years ago on the state just a few people listen. And now you people are listening all over the world and it's called don't mom alone.

Listen to this. I just sent it to a bunch of things that I am doing up small group with because it's encouraging I would say's desk. I listen to what I got. Read your book, but I want to hear a little bit and so I clicked on a couple what we note Dr. Julie Slattery and yeah yeah her on recently and I like men. Men could learn a lot when my feet dad getting in and yeah and you get some urge for them fires out alone. Yeah, if I asked you like a zero mom secret. I know you obviously don't talk a little bit about what and said that you can't mother alone, but is there something because your mind is like okay this would be mine. This would be the secret. I think moms need to know or understand Jesus. Yeah really honing my relationship with God. I think I was stripped of all the tools that had worked up to that point.

So a good performer in school did some synchronized swimming lands. I do love that you know right away right yeah one of those are. I did that note, athletics, and if you call that I think that any area of my life. You work hard enough you put in the time and you get an A+ and our gold medal and it was very humbling. I found very quickly.

I think we had even left the hospital with my oldest and I was in tears of just not knowing what to do and I had my Masters degree in speech linkage pathology specializing in 0 to 3 child element in infant feeding my child struggled with keeping his food is not reflux so bad thinking I'm supposedly the expert.

I have a Masters degree in this I would let a babysitter's club as a 13-year-old back in the block, holler and mount handbook on how to babysit. I love kids always wanted kids with did you write your own hand while you're saying. Like all land on the babysitters club and couldn't do it. I've hit my wall. Day one the hospital and had really lean in my faith, Heather. That happened to me. I went out to dinner with my parents with a three month old and my dad looked at me.

He lived in another state. He looked at me said what happened you know I had food in my high don't even know what was going on but I said dad and I didn't force my whole life. I said I could run a marathon and it would be so much easier than this and he's like talking about a three month all the light.

How hard can this be back late, but I think what that does to us as women is it makes us fall on our face before God. There something beautiful about that and say God I can't what what is it that so hard. I will not load that guys like me listen to God seriously. You are like it's our world.

I really that hard thinking being asleep at night very beautifully.

I do think there's a pressure that we put on ourselves, yeah. And I think that our society puts on us but we draw connection lines. If there's a school shooting. If there is a you know a child goes and becomes a prodigal everyone starts questioning their parenting as if it's an A+ B equals C situation, and while we know as parents we are responsible we had this ability to steward that well and be intentional and all of that wildcard neither humans and nature's and got has an ultimate storyline where he may even use that prodigal moment for his greater purpose and plan when you have that crying baby and your thinking. I don't know how to make them stop crying. It is a weak point and there been many times when I wanted to be assigned a different ministry, a ministry moms is not sexy, not extinct, not cool, but I like it is calling you art have needed it or you see the need yeah but I think in the greater realm.

It's not high and lifted up platform or interest. A lot of people even say what is not that hard. Why would you need support, but I think what I found is if my goal is to reach the world with the gospel which it is, I believe we've all been given the same calling to go make disciples and our assignments are different in my assignment is in this season.

A mom is so ready and willing to receive help outside of herself. Yeah, higher power, strength, a purpose and a plan beyond what she can see and not eternal perspective helps her. That's I'm supposed to be and I feel like it's such a need and it was mops ministry. It was all those ministries that really strengthen my faith and so if I can be a piece of that in someone's life. Mother the season we all say that it was when I was with a group of older women in a knitting group jealous NHL group Jalan Joe. There are successful people that we together for hours once a month with these women, and realizing they had had more years since their kids have left their home in the ever had kids at home. So it is a blip on the timeline. If you're blessed with a long life, but it is a really important state that obviously it's an exhaustive search of it is physically to talk about being a mom.

Just last week our youngest son was here with two grandkids who-year-old and one-year-old were driving in the minivan was already okay, guess who's driving I'm driving in the passenger seat so and in the two kids and their mom are all the one-year-old is screaming for an hour blessed little girl the car seat or whatever didn't work was so entertaining. Maybe any woman there as a mother understands this. The worst place to be in the car is back in the back with the children screaming.

That's why I was myself and I could see this going on I was thinking like I feel so bad for my daughter not because she feels bad with Mike. Sorry.

Crying on my way don't care but I see thinking what I used to think that I was in that situation.

I know exactly why am I like get back here while I was watching or listening mirror and noticing that Cody and I are almost oblivious.

It's like a turtle or will all know there's a wall is behind us.

We can hear but were not part of it you moms are in it that's always so hard. It's a visceral response and I do think it's it's a God-given thing me to that when there screaming in the middle the night. I want to help I want to make the screaming stop in a different way than you want to make three things that I want to child his content and happy there something in me that wants that, but I think we can describe it to think when we are praying with a first my husband and even grasp fatherhood and tell a baby showed up on the scene and he grasped a little bit but yeah for sure those early months of trying to work through.

On paper it seems that my husband and I grew up in the same home. My parents thankfully were both married over 50 years. We each had four kids in our home so I got had professional careers. Christian families so not a lot of conflict from that when it came to our we going to raise this child. The conflict that coming up and you don't want to mom alone. If you are you have a spouse and that you invite your husband into that but man do we let them cry or not, was one of the big hot and the mom visceral responses in the right responses when cried out.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think that all those little teeny decisions. It can start to wear on your marriage as I do have a chapter in here on and connected team, a team mentality when it comes to renting is the aloneness feeling as a mom is that a dominant obviously your home ministry called don't mom alone so I guess and I were you going to answer but described that you always understand that aloneness feeling. I think for me it was beyond just the loneliness that maybe people can relate to having onto the pandemic. If you don't have kids like beyond just I can't see people so your kids or maybe forcing you to be away from people. It's more I have pulled away pieces of myself from being known whether it's I'm no longer working outside the home, or even when I'm around other moms.

I'm not really sharing what's hard right now because I don't want you to think I'm a bad mom that's really true. So what I found was my pride in my wanting to look like I've got it all together. I'm not making mistakes is that I wouldn't share what things were hard.

I might host the play date, but I may not say that I was up the night before as this person espousing on the horrors of using a pacifier. My child sucking on a pass. Only things keeping me sane like oh I better go hide that before she sees that we rely on pacifiers or this one thing you should only breast-feed and I have formula in my pantry better not bring that out what you don't you start hiding because we all are doing this for the first time wanting so desperately to get it right but missing the opportunity for connection. Because of these isolating ideas and now it's worse because now were not only comparing to our friends around us. We have all of social media by Larry exactly. I can remember being at my first outing going to a Bible study taking my baby and I think I had an instant like a two month old and a two-year-old and some moms were talking afterwords and talking about how it's so fine and I remember saying you guys know what happened to me this morning.

I said this is awful. I said I had some orange juice in my hand that was mine.

It was glass in my two-year-old Trying to pull it out of my hand and I said no honey, it could break and I was very calm and kept pulling and pulling, I thought, well, alright, I'll just let it go and so I let the cup go out of my hand and he splashed the orange juice all over his face and he just broke into this tantruming crying and he was fine and the moms looked at me and here was response to laugh like I remember taking all them like that and I went home, cried because it just reinforce your family and you are a bad mom. So I think we can be surrounded by people as you said Heather, but we can retreat in shame and guilt, and that can be hard. You had that happen at the park I was before I was in any mom community and our churches. Mops was at the Arboretum. It's just a pretty park and I saw all of them and I am trying to do the ticket hustle and trying to see the newborn is screaming in the toddler really needs to go home and take his nap lavender on the key picture yet of them by the pumpkins.

Some trying to make it glass a little bit longer, and one of the mentors comes over and she sees me struggling and this is another lie that keeps us isolated is that I don't need help right height I can do this on my own. I should be able to do this on my own moms for centuries have and so she offers help, but I reject it like non-fine and then she so wisely offers a specific help and she says she had a British accent told us not genius food always house and so I pointed to the bag and she gets up a little snack cup and she goes offered to him and he really rudely just grumps away from her and says no, and I'm horrified because you can't act that way.

Especially not a British woman mentor and so I look at her and I am so sorry and I start listing off all the excuses I keep eating even that guy and he looks right at me.

That night she says why mothers do we feel like we need to apologize for all children. If he wants to be a jet but not letting me endure and failing, but so much of the not connecting with other moms is our kids behavior yeah ties to our performance and if we are high achieving high performers and kids are kids and we see that as a B+ on a report card. We want to be out with other people.

We don't want them to failing all the time. They're just funny stories now leave poop in random places, but time is quite embarrassing, horrifying, and does it separate you from people.

So what is your room. I'm listening I'm listening to do. Mom said her mom's. I feel judged. I feel I can try to measure up. But I need to be around mom. So how do you balance attention where you go invite women into being safe community for each other to recognize that we are important but not essential. There is not a formula you may have found a great thing that works for your child may not work for this mom and did just be curious about her process. Love her where she is. Recognize you came from different homes and support one another.

I have a great story that models that I just heard from a friend. They read a play date is one of those whose have a British accent, you have another act Australian strip on the body sees their displayed eight she's doing them all they could shuffle. She's realizing that her child just spilled goldfish all over the floor and one of her other kids is leaning over to go eat it off the floor and she's like trying to keep the conversation going with this mom and horrified, trying to keep her kid from eating the goldfish off the floor.

What are they gonna think that I let my kids eat goldfish in the mom she's talking to you. Without skipping a beat in the conversation, reaches down, grab some off the floor and start the bar has been lowered living life together. I think that's the key to yeah I realize at that time I thought I need a place where I can share all of my junk and be heard and be accepted because I'm to failing to make tragic mistakes, but I need somebody else that will also share their fear, their pain, their failures and I think it takes a while to find and to not give up on that person. So if you're with them and they do something and you just read that article or you just saw that Insta story that that what they're doing is the opposite of what all the experts stop for a second and not judge. I had a young mom I kids were little bit older but she had a baby, maybe six months old. It was her fifth baby and she asked me to come in wallpaper her bathroom so I went over and so I'm helping her and the babies in the bathroom with me. She can sit up at that point and down. Hey the baby in the plunger. I laughed like deer out but I I thought his mom's like she's on her fifth. She's like I'm not letting stuff anymore. The way I use to you and also as the older mom to not judge but to encourage, to lift up if women are feeling lonely and I think this is true, we can feel incredibly lonely when we haven't connected and I think this is in every stage because it changes with moms of babies of toddlers.

We need friends are kids in middle school and they're going through hard stuff. We need friends but we continue to isolate sometimes because of were fearful of judgment. How can women find their friends you're listening to David and Wilson with Heather McFadyen on family life today will hear Heather's response in just a second.

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Help families strengthen the relationship with God and with each other. Imagine the families who need to hear God's plan for marriage and family who are radio broadcast through our podcast events like into remember small group Bible studies in our website where you want people going when they Google for help when their marriage is in trouble, you can help more families learn about the life-changing truth of God's word not to sound overly dramatic, but that'll change the world. So now's the time to become a monthly partner to have your monthly donations doubled for a year you can give today a family like today.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. Right now, back to David and with Heather McFadyen. How can women find their friends actually starts at just pray for your first break I do believe that when you pray and bring that to God, he opened your eyes to see in a way that the Holy Spirit in you. That is hopefully and then sees itself one spirit and connects you and you'll be amazed. I've prayed with women for friends and God reveals the next right person to also let the pressure off.

It doesn't have to be this most amazing best friends yeah connection but to find one person and whether you say hey let's bring the kids to the park if you can without kids go get coffee and try sharing something a little vulnerable. Try saying something that maybe is a little risky and see how they respond. If they respond in kind of a dismissive way and don't want to engage in that thingy the message loud and clear. This is a person is not a rejection is just direction.

Move on. If they do respond and share something vulnerable for themselves then keep going keep taking that risk and and I say if you proved to be a safe person. You're not talking about other people in your together that gives them the clue that this is were talking about us here for sharing our things and not beating up on our spouses or only thing about the kids like Rich talking what's God doing in your own heart. What's going on in you, but he passion about right now.

What he loving right now instead of gossiping about others or complaining.

I think that's really important. I love that you're starting out with prayer. God knows that he knows what we need. He's wanting to fulfill our desires in terms of having a friendship so start with prayer. Pray that God would bump you into somebody maybe several people that bring different things, but I think that's a bit cannot just tell our listeners don't do it alone.

Don't do it alone. The hardest place to be despite yourself.

God created us to do life together in community and there's something about being with another woman. It makes us feel whole. We have God we have the Holy Spirit we can have a husband but we also need a friend. So I would say pray and seek and pursue those friendships and I like that share something a little bit vulnerable and see where it goes. That's David and Wilson talking with Heather McFadyen on family life today you can get a copy of Heather's book don't mom alone@familylifetoday.com or by calling one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. If you know anyone who needs to hear conversations like the one you heard today. You can share today's podcast from wherever you get your podcast and while you're there. It really helps if you rate and review us. There's a belief. Parents often wrestle with that.

We are fully responsible for kids and we can carry the burden of that is moms and dads well. Heather McFadyen is in a talk with David and Wilson again tomorrow about those beliefs and help us see that some of them just aren't true. We hope you can join us that on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm shall be due back next time for another edition of family life today family like today's action of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most