Greg Smalley: When You’re Lonely in Marriage

Aaron and I usually every day will ask this question to each other what was the hire of your day and what was the low of your day and at least other questions and keeps you aware of what's going on in your spouse's light versus all we do is work talk you start missing seller. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and will think I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us if we live today.com or on our family life, family life today. One of the things I love to do in our marriage is have conflict.

Not that I actually run into the other room when conflict starts.

I don't anymore. I know you're way better, but I don't think anybody do they maybe you do you enjoy conflict. I am willing and anxious to get into it. If I think that we will be better from it, but I don't love actual dealing with the conflict yeah but I mean, look the part of every marriage and conducts a part of every relationship and we all know have a very few of us know how to resolve it. And so today we have a chance to listen to Ron Diehl and Dr. Greg Smalley from Focus on the Family as they talk on Ron's podcast called the family life blended podcast about this about rest in marriage and also about how to navigate and negotiate and resolve conflict. And it's a great discussion, so the students are Ron and Greg talking about. Counseling talk a little bit about conflict. Yeah icemaker yeah yeah and I life.

I have a similar sort of innate thing and maybe one of things I did not know when I said I do till death do us part is that I did not know I was going to have to learn how to manage conflict of zeal have to learn how to stay engaged in the midst of conflict when everything inside me says Ron get away from this withdrawal. This is not good. There's no good to be found here get away like developing that whole skill set has taken a lot of time is taking a lot of time in me how dangerous is it for couples to avoid conflict. It's very dangerous means that all marriage experts. The researchers will tell you that if we don't deal with our issues that we don't work through problems that we just keep stuff and that you bury all those hurtful emotions alive.

They're going to come back up buried alive while there there. Juergen have to do with it sooner or later when it's later than there's a whole lot of resentment think it's built up there's a whole lot of pain and hurts, and usually it's it's intensified. At that point, it comes out as an explosion versus recognizing think it's James 12 it says when trials come your way. So another way to look at trials to be like a conflict. So when trials come your way. Consider that as an opportunity to talk about joy. And so, certainly, joy can come from when we work through problems, but honestly healthy conflicts when were were trying to work through conflict. It's going to produce some amazing things like near where your family life originally was done in Little Rock.

If you ever been to Murfreesboro Road there's a State Park yells at diamond Nelson State Park.

You can actually dig diamonds and if you find that you keep exactly is the only place in our country everybody actually did for diamonds and keep whatever you find.

So we went there were times a family is. So we had all this romanticized what is going to look lie to be.

Maybe we find a diamond.

Well, as you've been there you know it's like a barren wasteland is big dirty just feel that they plow up. It was hot, humid, it was disastrous cross where you were covered in mud was the worst experience and we certainly didn't find any diamonds in but people have the right exam diamonds a 40 carat diamond was found there.

I think the point is that that's kind of what can happen from conflict. Conflict can feel like this dusty barren wasteland. We don't want to be there. We want to avoid it, but there are diamonds buried there, and sometimes through conflict as we walk through its and communicate, resolve, and manage whatever's going on is like finding that diamond that there's benefits is a peacemaker. Conflict of leader that's now my true belief is that don't want to have conflict but if Aaron are in conflict.

I'm so confident that God's gonna put there's some diamonds there, it's up to us to find them. And that's made a huge difference. Still don't ever want to fight but inevitably we will now am willing to kind of as our buttons are triggered and were reacting new as we is we take some time to to settle down and come back as our hearts are open actually talk through. I know I'm little or something about me here herein or our marriage something. There's some benefit or some diamond this awaiting force.

I think that's what's helped me really learned how to deal with conflict differently. I can imagine it by going digging for diamonds and find nothing like you guys did in the body and get some.

He says you want to go back like no that's a waste of time but if you did find something you want to go back LET'S go back like always in your confidence, your trust in your us this in your ability to eventually do conflict well goes up. Success breeds success and so it sometimes I think I know. Looking back in our marriage so hard to be willing to try to engage in conflict in a constructive way we learn how to do it. I had no confidence in our ability as a couple to do it my ability to just manage me, let alone our ability as a couple. But as we were able to find those little success. Moments then my confidence takes a booth I got I got a dime like okay I can go back with the hope and possibility, believing that it's better over time.

I think finding that first diamond is what's so hard it's like yeah they say it's helpful to deal with conflict but I have an experience that yet right and it's so hard sometimes but II just want to say to those who are listening if that's where you're at, manage you learn what you need to learn to start working hard on that part of it and just see if it doesn't lead to the discovery of a little time I'm telling you it it there there is. God says we go through hard times.

These always going to give us something the diamonds of theirs is up to us. Look for so what are some of those things that people can do to help move them in a better direction absent when my very favorites is a woman researcher followed. I think 300 couples for over 20 years and just studied them.

But what I like. She looked at those who had a strong marriage successful marriage. What was different about them in one of things that she found is that the couples who were happy satisfied you moving in the direction they both loved spent about 10 minutes a day exploring the inner life of their spouse.

No words.

All of us have to work talk.

We've got administrator marriage.

We gotta talk about the to do list in the task and who's picking Annie up and who's going to the store like we all have to do have a business meeting right is the takes a lot to run a family is the best but the problem is work, stuff will always come at you don't have to even try to have to talk about stuff it's as good happen if that's all you ever talk about the relationship become super boring is matter fact we seen that the couples get trained over time.

Anytime we have a conversation. This is going to be a business meeting, they quit talking in verses Aaron and I have to be intentional to go. We need at least 10 minutes a day exploring the inner life.

In other words, the emotions, the fears and anxieties. The dreams, the good just that, stuff, and we you we been intentional about finding 10 minutes a day so I gonna walk or something you so let me just kind of impact that for somebody who's thinking oh what we tended talk about what happened in the day, how would we take that conversation and go deeper with a great example is Aaron and I usually every day will pass this question to each other what was the high of your day and what was the low of your day and it just opens up the conversation about okay mother hi my day this was.

That's why what what what about what what why did that fill you up so you get curious about it.

You just explore them so you're you're in your mind you're gonna get. This is not the time to have a business meeting someone to stay away from any of the to do list solace budget me and all that were right on time but that is safe focused on what was going on deep in your heart. How did you feel no more's the longer day and what and why.

What would happen.

Oh that happened whew that make you feel always got it super simple.

That's been our, go to just say was hired to envelope your day and that leads to you just explore that in at least other questions. And here's the value that it keeps you current keeps you updated keeps you aware of what's going on in your spouse's light versus all we do is work talk and have a business meeting start miss each other and were always changing and things are happening and I want to stay at what's going on in your were listening to Ron deal on the family life blended podcasts is conversation with Greg Smalley about mantle man was that so true and you have told me a thousand times in our marriage over 40 years. How you long for me to just asking questions.

Listen, don't solve or fix your issues just like Greg just said there must've been hard and it builds intimacy in a marriage right.

I mean if we were just putting into action that principle of tell me the higher level of your day, but then those next questions of how did that make you feel wow that kind of pondering with your spouse back and change everything. But we just getting the grind of what's going on with the kids what's happening at work instead of going deeper into how do we feel. Yeah. So if you and annexes that if you can you can do that right now, but a better actions that would be listen to the rest of this is because there's more golden this that Greg and Ron talk about to go back to the family blended podcasts right now. Enjoy. Let's talk about when the wrinkling that because I can imagine somebody listing going okay if my spouse started getting really curious about my inner life wanted to understand my day better how I felt about it. I don't know that I trust you know we've just sort of drifted and would we been in that space and that'll save yesterday. It would be hard for me to give them that information would you suggest that person. That's the paradox in marriage actually use that is full of risk when we open our hearts.

We put our heart out there. The risk is that how will my spouse handle my hearts. What will he do initially love me, you understand all that versus use that against me your you know judge me your try to fix me or whatever. So I would say absolutely think all of us have to face the risk of putting ourselves out there so I would I would save the person is going. This makes me a little nervous out actually have a conversation with your spouse going. If we are having our 10 minutes.

How can we really protect that time. Like what made maybe some wool would be some guidelines for example Aaron and I have agreed that when were have an kindest 10 minutes.

Will call it out here. Let's have our 10 minutes in, so we know what were doing and we know it's intentional 11 of our rules is this is not the time to try to solve or fix something okay so Verne shares him. He had just been discouraged. I saw Annie's grades and and she's doing really bad. This is not time for me go well, okay, how about we do this let's try this is just a go yacht. Tell me more about that. It sounds like that's really bothering you what what is it about that is okay to compartmentalize part of the conversation. In order for you to stay into yeah you're protecting that you're really guarding number guarding from the little foxes one little box and that stance is the desire to fix something which is guys we we will very much always want to do that. But is this recognizing the true value sustaining presence with Erin around the emotions so she's sharing that she just saw that Annie's not doing well in school. I can jump in the problem-solving scooter tutor list to this or I can say helmet but understand, I can see that's really bothering you what we think, what's construed up for you. I just don't see her but so what would how does that make you feel to see her grades. I feel failed as a mom. Oh man, I had no right to tell me more about that was it was a feel like was that mean if you're willing just to be present and just dial into the emotion you can always just say okay so it sounds like maybe I'm hearing this to tell me more about that emotion or just throw it out there, and shall go now, not really. It's more this wall.

Oh yeah, tell me more about that. That's when I learned stuff about my wife like deeper focused on the emotion versus problem-solving or whatever her opinions are discussing facts or whatever it's dialing into the emotion that will make the comment that 10 minutes really strengthen the connection that you guzzling curious about the covert world there been any opportunities for you to learn anything about your marriage in this yeah actually I probably had one of the biggest epiphanies in my marriage just insights that I've had a long long time when when everything got shut down actually are our dull kids came back home and we just don't want to be together was fantastic.

I love that but couple days in the air and set all of us down and said okay here me. I have been cooking three meals a day from Molly all the time. That's too much. I'm exhausted. I'm done. Someone else tested to the cooking and so being the spiritual leader of her family. I cast lots and I will and so I became the default chef and her family and it actually I was like you have always wanted to do that would agree times.

I began to cook.

Here's where I quickly discovered I would get up in the morning.

So were you can go to the office and writing phone which is awesome as an introvert, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. So I get up in the morning at 10 of rummage through our freezer looking for some mead and then I'd find in go and then I would, you know, go on Pinterest and just type in whatever the me was I finally usually caressed because that's how it is doing, but throughout the day, then I would worry like what time to get it to thaw the me, do I have all the ingredients all man. When can I go to the store. There, they all sums very furry and some are gluten-free you how I do it I just found that I would worry and fret seriously all day long preparing for dinner in one day was looking for some recipe on porkchops K found some porkchops to Ericsson, K. Help me decide here's either honey, you know, pork ribs or garlic pork ribs I can decide what you think I should cook if you literally pass me on the bottom which I was fully fine with respect to the bottom goes hate you got the shaft. She kept going and I was so offended not patting me on the plane but but because she wasn't willing to help me and I literally said to her head no, no, no, I can't make all these like you help me didn't choose one. I'll cook it that she really was going. You got this all is that it was like a lightbulb went off and I went. Is this what you felt like for the past 20 years.

You did, you still worry throughout the day on what the cook and all the details of cooking.

She's gave me this beautiful smile and honestly Ron was in that moment that I went oh my goodness, my wife is felt totally alone for many, many, many years around cooking and it just made me realize that there were areas of our marriage that either one of us felt super alone and it led to such a good conversation. I said tell me more. What is that been like for you to come if you like you've bear this burden of cooking all by yourself to see if she would cook now clean but I promise there was never moment during the day that I thought do I have enough liquid dish soap or how will I put everything in the dishwasher and timed every never but she had really had to do with all those details alone in it such a simple thing that had such a profound effect because it is led into a good conversation about was that like and what other areas of our marriage, and you feel alone and actually Stephen asked me that in paying the bills was one exactly for me the same thing is I had to do that on my own. I did it, she cooked. I did that, but it became such a cool thing between us going. We don't want either of us feeling alone.

So what what would connecting around some of it even if I was to be doing the cooking.

Even if she was going to start paying bills. We didn't want it created another system to where someone felt truly alone and that in. I would encourage you be courageous enough to ask your spouse. Are there areas in our life together our marriage and our family were you feel alone like you're doing something all by yourself. You're bearing that burden fully human talks about the Scriptures to bear one another's burdens, it means two things. Either we assist, it would be the difference between a backpack and a steamer trunk. The return to care around. So if Aaron feels alone and feels like something beyond her Billy… Carol Bickel steamer trunk. How can I help her bear that with her so we could either assist or remove that thing completely, so cooking now is become something I said I want that. And yet we figured out how to do that or I don't feel alone and is been great and so be courageous enough to have the conversation and really talk about that and discover there probably are some areas that you guys just doing what you do and you're going to do it, probably without complaining.

But it's that we don't want our spouse own and doing that stuff.

So how could I either assist or even remove that thing completely that would be the goal listening to Ron deal on the family blended podcast talk with Dr. Greg Smalley from Focus on the Family and I just gotta say I saw you over there like you get me in the kitchen so you don't feel alone when you're cooking as you hear that I'm not going to carry out a tell you right now.

I talk about like areas but we both knew all excited like all Dave get to hear this and do it alone in the kitchen. I know you've told me. Do I need to confess right now that I'll do this. As I said do I need to confess that if it makes you that excited if I am Catholic you deal I'll jump in the kitchen and help you cook if you start golfing would be. We said earlier, you get on the golf cart that's great, but if you actually start swinging the club okay have I say as I could have a know it's only going to happen, they'll come in the kitchen. Here's the thing, what they were saying is so true because you can really feel lonely marriage even in a good marriage and I think men often feel this because we carry things that we don't often verbalize and I'm telling you guys, you need to verbalize because I think your wife wants to carry that with you my right yes and went feel alone until later. Especially when you talk when they're talking about in roles.

I think that's just a great conversation to ask when another. How in our marriage. D feel alone and this would be a good podcast to listen to together and you listen without your spouse go back and find it on family blended and it's called roommate marriages. You don't want a roommate marriage.

She wanted a real intimate marriage and listen to this and then have a conversation and talk about what it would look like to rest together and to share activities so we don't feel alone been listening to family life today with Dave and Wilson in the past few days we been hearing clips from Ron deals podcast family life blended, not each episode provides practical help and encouragement to blended families and those who love them. You can hear the full episode with Greg Smalley when you search for family life blended wherever you get your podcasts and look for episode number 76 that allegiant air or you can get the link@familylifetoday.com and you might know this, but family life is so much more than a daily podcast. We got a lot going on here, including what we call the weekend to remember marriage get away and get the president of family life David Robbins here. David we've got some of these events, getting ready to start like right now where those happening this week and we have a few we can remember getaways happening across the country in Atlanta and Washington DC and over the next few months we have dozens of locations that you can go check out in the great thing about these getaways is that no matter where your marriage is whether just needs a romantic getaway, whether it needs a tuneup and and some re-firing or whether you're in a really hard place.

It can meet you right where you are. We see it happen every weekend and I was recently at we can remember getaway where there was a couple had been married for four years and the wife wrote our team and told us as they were leaving the getaways. She said we came here not speaking to each other with years of compiled hurts respondents and stuck in the cycle of hurt and were leaving, not fixed, but with lots of tools in our toolbox and eager to get to work on all the things that we've learned. We are leaving here with hope and I am forever grateful for this weekend to remember.

I love hearing stories like that were God intervenes in a very specific way.

I also love hearing stories of couples that just retreated in and got away in the good that was happening there live leveled up to something great to help tackle this next season. I would encourage you if you haven't gotten away recently and invested in your marriage you will never regret taking time to focus on the most important relationship in your life. That's right. And you can find out more and register for a weekend to remember just had to family life to a.com scroll down and look for the weekend to remember tab or you can give us a call at one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today not come up next week working hear from Gretchen's apples and how important it is for women and men, for that matter, to find peace in Christ, not your circumstances next week on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby back next time for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most