The Intentional Father: Choosing Time Together

When my son leaves a house which is going to do five or six years who don't want to be like what Howard about this card, but I wanted to know what they want to want to give. It was like what the real world skilled. I don't do this to him who's going to do this in the family life today where we want to help you versus new relationships that matter most and will and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find is it we live today.com or our family. Family life boys all turned 13 them out individually. Group your guy friend and you held your guy friend speak into their lives. What was that like why many strip was me along with my son and then the guy part was usually a surprise yen euros really funny is if we share this before, but our third son Cody when I get ready to do the trip with Cody he says your furnace yes hey dad, whatever you do, a seat in Austin.

They told me it really wasn't any good laying out different journey of life. They said he said no. I said the trip was incredible. The actual material that you use was dated and I will tell you what I was using at the time but when I heard that Mike oh so you know I did with my last one is I were going to the AFC champ should game the Steelers against the Patriots in Pittsburgh. Perfect for him because he sports for each one, and you know one of my former shorelines play for the Steelers now got a six anyway I put together a list of topics were now talk about is just winging it now. Can I go do that. What I did with them. So I handing this sheet of paper. We get in the car with him in the car six hours.

I said Cody Grant talk about every one of these any order you want. Just pick it and will talk about. It is things mending dog but I'll never forget. He looks over at me he looks down she goes about women's body parts like you are going to talk about. I mean, it was just anything and everything and it was an incredible trip as we talked about stuff men need to talk about.

So in some ways, and when you asked it as like yeah because I never had that experience with my dad. So I want to try and create something that would be totally different with my sons. You have asked them what they thought of that. So here we are today. Talk about manhood stuff again with John Tyson whose yeah you the manliest man I think ever met John looking over at you say liability has ever so close and it's not true. So thank you thirst like I don't think he's heard that here's I remember that when you think manly man. You think this you know rugged. I don't know monocular okay that was your picture that you sort of thought of this the rock you know I think he still is a family man. Yes, you don't stand for what I think manly man.

I think Amanda and encapsulate what God instilled a man to be.

I mean that Jonah looking you and is as we had lunch and even done these shows to ghostlike you capture what I believe God said a man of God should be. So with that I say welcome to, and I really appreciate how to get back on the ship well I mean it is the darlings to hear about yeah make sure she listens and of course, you, your wife Christie and your son Nate and your daughter Haley. Haley 2118 II got asked, what's it like being an empty Nestor is allowed to say incredible. I don't know if it's disrespectful. It's incredible thing when my son left he left it we got. And I we got up early to go to Lupo but you live in the middle of Manhattan is like on none of us drive me up locally talking about the shows and off he goes and everything in my heart was like going to the wild young man just like get off direct the safety net under your lock is huge. Just go and then I'm hugging my daughter about a month ago and she literally says to me we need for time for time, wisdom from hasn't been enough and then I hugged her and she walks off like a little baby go.

She's amazing. She studied nursing sees a gift she sick Hera. She's such a tender heart and rice in the middle of the craziness of New York and is like pure and hot as you say that they'll think every listener has just leaned into.

Thank I want to listen to a guy whose daughter would say that about him and his son like that you just said about your son going to the world because you feel confident because you feel like you probably equipped him with the best that you can do and that's what you mean Dave about being a man of God, yeah, I got a manly member that's that's what I mean. It is human like, shall be required in the way you started because it's in your book, intentional father, practical guide race sons of courage and character, but obviously I'm just on sons and daughters well and you've done obviously rites of passage, ceremonies, walk us through this because you start this at age 13.

Yeah, what's the passage sort of look like a mint.

To be clear, I had the whole thing in my mind.

I think you know my favorite office. But what I realized when I was reading him was like oh he does this literally technical book, and I know you read my stuff. Yes, I was really really helpful. Open with half a story and then leave you in suspense the home line and then close with the story and says like I'm going to bookend this trip of my son is going to stop with him running into the ocean of the coast of New York is going to end with him running into the ocean off the coast of Spain. The end of this 500 mile walk of the community. Santiago like everything's going to happen between those two baptisms the first baptism is the baptism into the journey and the second one is the baptism into manhood right so it started with headphones, a cohort of some friends, but sons who my sons. I and we basically map this out. I presented the selected overview of our time together in a PDF vision document I said I think I got something for us to take us on the street for the next few years unless an electronic submission for them is like how many of you were in luck with all inside the tribe little group dads group sons. I hyped this up for my son, some still meeting with them every week just doing what you hang out time that's overthinking is like talk about that this first second I pretty mean you're so stuck. Basically I got this idea from coffee.

People talk about the seven habits of highly effective people. He wrote a book of the seven habits of highly effective family rights is to this day. One of the best books on families of wrecked his chapter was you give your kids time and they set the agenda so it's out of my kids. We would do anything you want in this time that we having together, but I'm so committed to you and having a great relationship with you. We got to prioritize his time so they would set the agenda so if my daughter was like every week we would go to a different cookie shop in New York and do a photo hunt my son. It was like you are watching war movies and eating barbecue around barbecue restaurants in New York City. Just whatever you want to do you like a skateboarding skateboard you set the agenda. If I could do anything with my dad. I would do this all show up a fund so we would do a social stuff based and we do a little Lego do robotics of the mold, a lot of basketball, I just, whatever he was into.

I was into started to tell them hey man, when you ship the same. It's about to get real you're going to enter into this journey into manhood and men in every generation of dumb since been lost, but we were confident to be very huffy. I'm I think you've got what it takes but will attest that they would likely talking about, not again a pretty conscientious document.

So I've got him in a call with his two friends be filming them like what's happening to notch the initiation where we going what is your devotees is just like middle school boys and I can't not fear and excitement. Yes, I've spent time with them and build towards this and then yet. We took them down to the beach. Rex went to Coney Island which is looks so pretty and what an Amazing Pl. in New York City. We took him out there and then we took him down to the beach and have the ceremony gets in this speech talked about this formational process, how it was done about the coaches then had them like stripped out of the swim trunks like run to the ocean. This is the baptism of your birth into manhood and then now spend the rest of them. I like talk with them about it and hanging out at Coney Island.

So I wanted to have a continent component like is a vision speech wanted to feel solemn and in some sense healthy intimidation like little bit of fear of gold and then I wanted them to be slick. Something really enjoyable as I would remember. Remember that not late-summer, right at dusk with a took us out. I wanted to like to have selected rich aesthetic experience connected to a 21 does he recall that in that way you like it if he doesn't recall Updike is a video of a man who is so got you photos of all that he does remember that you said things like it.

His recollection out like it was really interesting.

I didn't quite comprehend how serious you are about all of that now you and I like it seem pretty vague but I was grateful for loves a great not enough… What happened after because I think a lot of men at least in my generation from Robert Lewis and other authors gave us some pictures and visions of what ceremonies could look like I'm not measuring exactly right but a lot of us did the ceremony and then I was.

It it was like after the ceremony was like this. Timer years until the next ceremony wasn't always something in between. I think that's his allotted dad just didn't know what to do right. So would you doing what you do and you are basically two things, like one. Getting back to the big picture idea basically spent a lot of time thinking and basically said this.

My son leaves a house which is going to doing five or six years who don't want to be like what how develop his character. What I wanted to know how Mike Wiseman and they won't want to give it to like what real-world skills dwell on this kid to have basically reverse engineered to when he was 13, and then basically boot out a calendar in the county was like okay this month. We'll talk about this. This month we'll talk about this. I think this might take two months and go do that for two months basically like did a big picture brainstorming then reverse engineering and then filled in daily events weekly events so have a couple daily connection which we discover the primal path and told that's it can be as simple as this can be his.

A section of Scripture.

He is like a quote from a godly God. And then he's one question what you think about today.

If you can do that in 10 minutes in the morning but the compound effect of minutes a day for five years can be radically transformative.

So impressive to me about this is year a pastor of a large church like you've got a lot going on. People are pulling you in every direction and I think allotted dad feel like that like me in my life is so busy and building my career and yet you carved out that time because of the priority queue. I loved my son. I love this kid. Yeah, if I don't do this, but who's going do this for youcould do this on Google I sora day of my Summit 25.

Just like that, why didn't you what was so important in the church that you couldn't. A lot of this was based on a very painful conversation I've had about a decade earlier with my best night and said to me like he grew up in a home with his dad had a small business and his dad every night was never around because he was always a small business and he said it wasn't till I was older and went into business and understood how business works that I realize that what my dad did every night he could've paid an accountant to do for $10 in five minutes, but I lost my childhood because he didn't do that and he said and then he lists up as like specific things.

Dad Sidney said my dad traded those little widgets for my teenage years I just remember thinking I'm not good. Yeah. I will not let the crisis of my people raw like this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my sons. I went into it with that conversation ringing in my is so yeah, it was a lot of work and I want to say this, like, listen if you want to break generational cycles. It's going to be intense. You know what's more intense, not breaking them and spending the next 40 years. Frustrated with the same stuff so you look you pick you pain point picture price pain point and I was like I'm never going to get the shots again. I gotta prioritize this site. To think that number one what I did in a typical day look very very small compared to a lot of other debts did you would look at my life and say you're doing something radically different. It was like I use your mornings you 30 minutes differently about five years in that's hundreds of hours. It was like you've go to different life. And so I want to say it to encourage people don't look at the big picture and be overwhelmed. Look at the daily opportunity to what you can and small moments of intentionality can have a life-changing impact if done consistently. That was the goal basically thread the needle between Lodge events thread the needle now comes in in the yeah and I'm just sitting here listening going there's a dad listening right now who doesn't even realize God just spoke to him.

I've always said here we go again and acrostic God speaks through the pews. He speaks to an abuse. People, events were God's Spirit, God is going to use one of those he's using John Tyson right now person to tell his story and he just spoke to this dad who said I've been selling my life to a widget or to a dollar and my son or my daughter sitting right across the table when I'm not at that table because I'm at work I'm just telling you, dude.

This wasn't a moment guy just spoke and said you have a chance right now.

If you have a five-year-old, 10-year-old 12-year-old 13-year-old 15-year-old your home. I'm an older data says there to be gone when you blank so make the move right now say okay you know when I'm not to miss the next five years. I'm going to do would just get pick up John's book and just follow the pathway but man you just modeled first. So ma'am absent or think man if I was a young dad again. I would do it differently because of what you said you did it that way again.

You didn't do it perfectly, but you modeled for us and you written it all down in your book about this.

So as you walk through 13 year you get those five years what you think you need to get happier with your son. Well, it was getting back to what we talked about in the first episode.

This concept of the crucible to testing the ordeal. I knew as a youth pasta.

How many kids went straight from youth group to college and spent the first three months doing everything within their power to experience all of the freedoms that was suppressed through moralism.

The previous six years yeah about slamming those young kids. Unlike right is a flawed design experience you what he thinks can happen.

One of the Mormon syndicates on a two-year thing you will know what to form them into Mormons does other organizations that do this Christian church doesn't seem to do it so I was like a cut I would've given anything anything to have a year to explore the world to see other coaches to fill God's said look I want to hear apparently break my son's half of the global pool.

I don't to be like an entitled American which is like what happens if you grew up in America and I want intellect sees the stuff he's learned works in real life, and you know my son had a few character flaws but nagging character flaws I could not get out of it.

I just couldn't get out of it like the process of formation like thoughts in your mind and your attitude changes, then you do it in the becomes a culture I could never get a posses mind and attitude. He always liked and agree with her but never would do it. What you thrive in a group of people that is living in super proximate engagements with four year and two weeks and is like dad you're completely right on getting that stuff out of my life. I do not want to be that guy in the group unless something number one thing that night of and think you would mind me sharing this was a complaint.

He was a whiner when everything was going great was great, but when it wasn't going good. He just will line you left my house at one we came back from the trip and he's like fundamentally a different person. Costs on almost never complaint he just handles it like what happening as I watched myself like almost out of my body be the wine and was like you and not going out like that so that he just like to handle stuff look is slick limit.

Just like that on the back and get it done. I want to be that guy.

The complaint, so that was formed in the gap he is all of my efforts. All of my intentionality could not do what two weeks of a trip with peers did you know maximizing. So if you wanted to see what was in them.

I wanted to test that I wanted to see God's kingdom outside of US context. He went with an organization called wild rice, like why website of the thing and he just came back transformed one of the weaknesses that I think these organizations do sometimes they don't have a good reintegration so these kids are living in the book of acts yeah yeah you not peak teenage energy around P is only just like dump him back in America on say and the kids often alike, was that even real was Aceh, group manipulation, so I said I want to close this out by doing a process with my son like you want to do this walk with him, which is the backend cooler committed to Santiago. Let's just hike the 33 days across playing together is been doing this for thousand years. It's like an embodiment of that journey together and have a church that you did this Yetman they did let me do this. Yetman, but I've probably undertaken vacation over the years Robinson abuse my vacation time, but Derek sought of them in direct I/O like modeling this you want to pasta spending time with his kids like this. And there's nothing to do on this walk but talk back six hours a day of walking is like used talk about it also had questions prepared for every day to sort of recap what we call nova during this journey together, and then I had some stuff about his trip.

What you learn what you learn about God.

What you learn about self what you learn about how life works and then at the end of that trip, we get going into this cove in Spain in a town called Finis that which is with the pilgrims.

Traditionally, hikes this journey and I left something to show the journeys over ice to put on the beach but now they change the rules be constant stuff on fire, but it was like you're gonna leave your childhood behind on this page you can walk in this water and you will come out and I will recognize you as a man, and so we have the ceremony I have all these letters written by friends who broke with him.

I read this over in my go through everything I can think of I love about him and that he runs into the ocean. I come out and just scream out the whole matter emerges from the ocean and it was it was wild and then. And that's basically how we sort of finished about so started in New York as a 13-year-old and ended in Spain is a 19-year-old with a thousand beautiful moments of pain how like joy struggle between let me just say it like that just makes me cry because I think honestly look at our culture. We like it was happening the 13s today. Our young men and women suffering severe depression and anxiety.

Suicide to hear that to envision your son coming out of the water in you saying that to him. It's what we all long for his parents like we want our kids to feel that God has made you, he's prepared you. He's equipped you and he has something great for you because God is saying that test like I've made you on purpose for a purpose and I think most of us, and a lot of our kids.

I would say a lot of us and most of our kids have no idea what that is. And so they're trying to find their life fulfillment through what the culture says will bring them joy in life and what you did is you equipped your son and said this is who you are and this is what God has placed in you and can't wait to see that in some ways it's you said is what every parent longs for us whatever son or daughter locks for a minutes. It reminded me of the baptism of Jesus. When we got a spoke my mother the whole thing ha the loudest voice and my son's life to be that voice of affirmation that is for me. It's awesome. Here's one last question any regrets. Any regrets, but regrets I think if I can give you one regret I traveled quite a bit. I would still do this we would get up we do it on face time we do it on. Scott was always very very consistent but I would trade a few of those trips to be back and do it in person. I'm stucco still intentional, still connected because like what I for a few more mornings and I was that the majority of the time it's too similar to anything to get down. I have a feeling there's man listening that are to be table with her son and daughter. Because of this program you change subnets. Thanks John, times as parents we can give so much of our effort in time to our jobs to the other things that are clamoring for attention in our kids can suffer because were not in tension with them. We go through day in day out, weeks, days, months, even years, just kind of surviving and not giving them our intentionality, our best and Pastor John Tyson is been talking with Dave and Wilson reminding us about carving out intentional time with our kids a little amount of time a day can compound significantly over the years, and it makes all the difference when it comes to investing in our children making our kids a priority not being passive, being intentional with them and watching God work through us to help their lives flourish as a result of our faithfulness to him. Pastor John Tyson has written a book called the intentional father which about helping men raise sons of consequence. He lays out a clear path for fathers and sons. That includes specific activities, rites of passage and significant marking moments.

If you log on to family life today.com and make a donation of any amount to this ministry.

We would love to send you a copy of John's book the intentional father is our thank you to you for investing in the ministry of family life today. Again, you can log on to family life today.com and make a donation of any amount and we will send you as a thank you a copy of John Tyson's the intentional father, or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329 the 2000 F is an family L as in life, and then the word today and we hope you have a good weekend.

There are significant amount of weekend to remember conferences that are happening. Couples are getting together in places like Omaha, Nebraska the Poconos and PA in Boise Idaho would love it if you would pray for them and the marriages that can be healed and rekindled this coming weekend in our various weekend to remember locations. This content today from Pastor Tyson or any of the family life programs have been helpful for you. We love you to share today's podcast with a friend or family member. And while you there. It really helps to advance what were doing in this ministry at family life today.

If you scroll down in rate and review us now coming up next week Steven and was going to be talking with Alan Wright about the power to bless and empowering the people you love by speaking words of life into them is coming up next week on behalf of Damon and Wilson.

I'm Shelby Abbott. See back next time for another edition of family life today.

Family life today is a production of accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most