The Intentional Father–Raising Men

How can we be at this point in church history 2000 Museum and this is not an normal pot of the evangelical tradition.

Why is it that it's so ready-made to some that says my father raised me into a man. He did a great job and I'm a healthy, functional adult because of it was an exception, not the norm. I don't know why this is not some sort of great tradition that is hand-me-down even inside the church is, why does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this one we was doing the starting zero like the conversation is back at the Graham school family life today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most time and Wilson Wilson and you can find his life today.com or on our family life, family life had your home or really like you like to question that.

Or going out, but it feel like yeah both extremely said Marilyn in bed at night is 1213-year-old boy praying to God. I didn't believe in what you take my dad made and die. He left but I sort of want to blame God for not being there as I got older, mad, you know, like why did you leave and felt like I really really miss some, yet interesting for me to watch you as a dad because that was always in your head. I think one thing that shocked me that I didn't understand until later was the power of a father yeah because I sort of thought because I didn't have a dad I wouldn't copy my dad and then as a became a young man and even we got married is like oh my goodness I am doing things that I never even saw my dad do because he wasn't there, but I know we did and so is like. While the power of a father is powerful and now I'm a dad and I realized I am going to impact my boys in a way I don't even understand, so I want to do it right.

And if you look for in a culture today. Men need help in this area. Boys need help now more than ever we got help in the studio today. I'm excited.

Yeah, we have John Dyson who is a father and a pastor and author and I mean is I read your book. It feels like you have of this role emotional feeling about fatherhood John welcome the family today. Thank you so much for having me on the show. Yes I do. I have a father saw and I think that comes just from the wonder of having kids under some of my own brokenness and certainly is a pasta over the years just watching thousands of men do with father wishes it's like this is a huge need we go to talk about it. We've got to do something that our listeners probably like this too has an accent indoors I come from, and also your story okay. I grew up in Estrada was born in Millburn lived in both right is and then basically came of age in a city called Adelaide and it's sort of like the Napa Valley of Stratus is famous really for Winesburg. The Muslims think I become a Christian. The we cannot 1017 and a Pentecostal youth revival felt a cold to come to the US and serve God that felt like a some sort of missionary coal. Very we told my youth pasta remember him saying, why would God send you to America.

It's filled with Christians and I want those 20 art of scholarship to study theology and moved over met my wife doing the campus orientation to what I hear. This is a so you can be honest with you that well. I've been married 23 years. Two years of total health Skype to very hard years and then the rest of them absolutely says, like you know like 19 good use out of 23's like not bad. Now I heard she said. 15/23. So if it is like we just been through so yeah and so I'm sort dismember thinking focusing in Bible College will be hotter than I and and and fell in love and got married both a little older, she lived on her own. You know I'd lived on my own house was nine takes a long story dropped out of high school 16 to work and so I had like a very visionary boss at this life plan for me and become a Christian in the middle of his plan for my life, but it was basically about getting ahead. And so we will all the students I think we bonded around that we didn't want to have a typical freshman experience. We will try to get away from our parents and try to get on with the live site connected got married pretty close to right away and then had kids right away and we've been added ever since we moved to New York 16 years ago upon the church and so have been in the posturing in Manhattan that entire time, including to the pandemic and then recently become empty-nesters. My sons, 21, my daughter is 18 and yeah I'm here to talk about the process of raising my son in particular and some the things alone talk about your relationship with your dad buys us a passion for you. You know my dad is in the book I took about five kinds of fathers.

By the way we read it and it desiring I read Robert Lewis is raising a modern-day night when I was a young dad in a really gave me a pathway to raise my sons and I feel like this is just as powerful and a new day having serious as toenail as Rita was like I don't know anybody writing like this, John.

This was not only inspirational but a very hands-on, here's a pathway to do a so electrical that is called the intentional father, a practical guide to raise sons of courage and character, and I don't even know what question we ask about what he was, as outlined yeah okay go there. My dead is say good and godly man. But that is a quiet man.

He's a prayerful man. I'm at the start of the book talk to my father in Tyson's prison card with this font that is true might impress me every day he prayed me out of rebellion. He prayed me home went off to me in prayer and fasting in my businesses. My grandfather was a very accomplished missionary in India have an incredibly supernatural ministry could see the spiritual realm for the rest of his life was very very interesting to be around get lived with us ideas.

He was an old school British missionary, which meant he was amazing admissions and terrible at fatherhood dumpy kids in a boarding school if you love your family more than me and not worthy of me. So my dad grew up in India developed a condition where he would sleepwalk not trying to find his family find him walking like what's going on in your head as a kid. Yeah if you doing that in your dreams. I want to honor my grandfather's legacy, which in many ways was like. There's this thousands at this point, probably hundreds of thousands of people in the kingdom of God because of his work but he had a massive flaw which assumes a terrible father so he didn't give my dad what my dad needed my dad never go to sex totally forgot to talk about money never got any practical advice about how to grow his brothers try to fill in those gaps. And I think they did a pretty clumsy job so my dad was resolved to do better than his doubt my dad did so much better than his dad but there was still some stuff he didn't have enough some of the tools he needed basically for kid like me and I was a handful growing up. And so my dad did everything he knew and know some stuff I needed that he didn't know how to do and so when it came to me being a father. I was like okay I got a try and break some generational stuff off.

You want to react. I gotta figure out a way how to do this and stopping a huge journey of reading and interviewing men to try and understand like how do you get this right. One of things I learned reading of the stuff was quite simple. There was almost no books about his how to do it. There was thousands of books on like wounded men seeking healing and very few that will like his how to do it and then when I did read those books is out of Doolittle's like this is not enough like a camping trip in a few talks is a thousand times better than what most kids get that's not enough, but sickly during adolescence. 6+ years with these kids. You could have to have a plan for like every day and every week you formation happens in big breakthrough events but happens in the everyday moments and so I basically realized, but which actually stunned me like how can we be at this point in church history, 2000, using, and this is not a normal part of the evangelical tradition.

Why is it that it's so rare to me to some that says my father raised me into a man. He did a great job and I'm a healthy, functional adult because of it was an exception, not the norm is also saddened to have to write this book. I was shocked that there wasn't like 20 options like this I would just use the felt like man I a got a set of one of my gifts is like reading widely synthesizing it and then turning it into tools.

I felt like I Think I need to do this, so that's yes so my back story somewhat informed the writing of this book like for you, you knew. And maybe this is true of a lot of men like your dad John like he knew how to build God's kingdom. And that's free day. I think a lot of man you knew how to build a career. When it came to how do you build a family when I've never seen it done.

I think that's a hard lesson to learn, and most men don't have any idea yeah I don't know what percentage maybe you do. John would be in that category, but I was deathly that guy. I didn't have a dad, obviously. And so I did know to look like I didn't have a Christian background so that when I got married is like what is a Christian man was a Christian husband was a Christian that we do.

I have all kinds of expectation and told me everything I need is every hour there is a need to do what we get. Get the on get in some ways that's what she did and you know is a man sometimes you just push away from that rather than receiving it. So I did what you did II started asking men I want to acknowledge so I think there's a lot of pain in men's hearts. The gets glossed over a then not willing to be vulnerable with it be a coach. It doesn't respect men often times for good reason.you talk to most men, and below the sofa. Mithras of your most men lead lives of quiet desperation continues to be true. There's a lot of pain under the surface and when you peel back the ratio for your love and dads who were just like on how to do it. I feel like I'm getting nagged on this if I knew how to do I do with this is not a will is what I would do this if I knew how to and you and I like that can be a lot of shame when you know you should be doing something that I don't know how to do and you want to do it but you don't how to get the help can you just scrambling and you know the stakes are so high, it's a high-pressure environment is NCI. I recently did a message to men and I made this comments is that what you said John. I said men have lats and I go you think I'm talking about these big, you know, abs. I have read here under my packs. I'm talking L ATS there lonely. They're angry. They're tired their stress. I start on about the loneliness of us men we say we have friends but really don't is a sense of anger because we carry so much stuff nobody seems to know were tired so you know whatever I had more responsive people reshot say hey can we talk about that last thing because it resonated with men in the room what you just said is like we do feel this sense of I'm supposed to be the man I'm supposed to be this dad, this husband. I don't know what that looks like is that we found yet and it's I don't know why this is not some sort of great tradition that is hand-me-down even inside the church is like. Why does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this waterwheel was Philip was starting at zero. Like the conversation is back at the Graham school I think is probably part of the enemies plan to be honest with you, which is to you know to not bill generational influence and impact like every generation started zero so there's nothing to carry out. I think that's probably a huge part of it, but I think even increasingly other nephew, so these the latest articles of this one about how China raised men invests of the US is raising its get a ton of attention.

The other one on like young men being lost in college like will moving into a world that is not designed for men in many ways and I want to be very clean him up talking like Paul men Opal men I want to acknowledge the very real postural payment is under all of the cultural issues that we bantered around and so I think you know almost every church is scrambling today men's ministry rot. It just feels perpetually like other know if you've especially liked the curriculums out of date of never found anyone who says like that the curriculums right on. We got it so is Lacoste. David stated I don't know what it is. I also think it's probably enemies plan so I'm I'm glad Robert like re-up one more time and the unison address these things and hopefully some generational legacy yes will talk about where you started.

I mean you've got a sign you're trying to be this intentional dad. Yes. Define where you started will admit it. It honestly started we were living in Dallas and I was coming back into this is a shared moment. Every father has coming back from the doctor with a said you want to join the gender if you kid like yes this is a boy and a dismember driver was working as a butcher in Albertsons and Texas never met in Plano Texas remember driving back through Plano going. I think I have what it takes like I don't know how to get this kid into adulthood. I was a youth pastor the time as well so I was very very aware of the brokenness of some of the kids in these group. We did do you we picked these kids up in a minivan and I just was like I saw what absentee fatherhood and what poor parenting. Dave is like I don't know if II wanted to better so it started with a deep sense of resolve. But I feel completely overwhelmed.

I think the journey began that I said, this book is for one particular kind of data he sues.

If you're overwhelmed but determined. This is your book if you like doing great. God bless you keep going. But if you're not determined to be too hot for you because there's a real task at hand. But if you like, determined and overwhelmed the black I've written this book for you. You want to get it right you you like I would do whatever it takes of the plan and the pasta help with that. So yeah that was both in my heart.

I think one of things I read this was an old Stephen Covey thing that was like maybe the one thing I got right for both of my kids.

I remember Covey saying you need to give each of your kids one night a week and it needs to be for a time they set the agenda so I did that with both of my kids like fairly consistently their entire lives.

As a people talk about like having date not those like you have time with the kids like that and the whole goal was to develop the sacred bond that I felt like as long as I have an emotional, relational attachment will be able to process and get through everything and so I worked so hard for so many years to build that willingness for my son to spend time with me is all the people so I have a 13-year-old son to enter into a multiyear like male formation journey and is like ice to take my son to waffle house in a caulk area yeah and then when he was one week ago when he was to us.

We just kept the tradition owns our lives in this book is not a promise that everything will work out fine. My son with some very hard times that I don't want to be a Christian think Jesus is with it, but I have that relational connection to say thanks for sharing that with us talk about that, like, what about following Jesus is not with the unit and on the surface look probably pretty common, and I book Jackson's daughter Floyd I fossils like God called fault my son's destiny, but developed it developed a bond that enabled her to work so that was I think the one thing I knew if this is in place.

I can probably handle anything as long as I maintain this so yeah that's started when he was born that you raise a son and daughter is a different list. This book is for fathers and sons, but is with a girl yeah it is so marked my wife pulled me aside in the early days is just like I recently cultist the primal path that was that that was what I called this thing with my son and people like that. Sounds like you know you want to eat meat and take you hey you know I do know how to tell you 13-year-old boys are not motivated by sophisticated adult language havoc.

I want to feel like it's got some some energy to it. So screw the problem but a lot pulled me aside and said you know that a lot of this stuff is true for women to blessed the number one way to de-motivate the young man is tell him that this is generic universal wisdom. You're not special. This is just stuff the girls know to blessed that's not the point. It's the framing of it that is important so you a lot of the stuff is it's just like helping adolescents move into adulthood.

In a healthy way.

But there is definitely some things that a specific for men, although I know it's in a different conversation, but you're doing a similar but different thing with your daughter mess. It's really interesting.

I this I did with my son I did for six years and people said that so long as like, but I had them the whole time like you want to do a year in and give up on him and then wing it for five years ahead like I just worked with the time I had my daughter I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter but she like it had very different personalities.

Very driven, very conscientious very internally motivated so to be honest with you, like my wife did a version of this with my daughter if she turns that into a thing on the other know that so she doesn't like. That's not is difficult to it like I did so, but I knew archive got a play significant role in the south of my daughter so I did like a one year intensive and that was like the 50 things like you gotta have this in your heart before you leave the house so we did like a lot of the stuff that was in the compressed timeframe, but in some ways it was like more intense so you at some point up with that outfit what my daughter wanted from me was very different than what my son wanted for me and again my wife played a major role in deciding my daughter now go back. He mentioned the five kind of fathers go back and kind of Telus but those are real quick hello. This is just like observation.

A lot of it primarily my posturing is five kinds of of fathers they will start with a high because him' five cars. Think about if I done a little right is like what you doing with that work is through. Make it memorable. So the first father is like an irresponsible father and this is like a dad who just values does not accept the sacred responsibility of bringing someone to the world.

Made in the image of God who relies on them for a sense of purpose and identity. Just bios obviously not statistically personally.

Sociologically, the amount of damage that an absent dad ignorant dads.

These adults who like don't know what they're doing and I don't really want to know. They just prescribe well when I was your age and you should figure this out. The no empathy, no emotional connection. I don't understand the goal of fatherhood.

Then you get inconsistent dads.

That's what the horn often with the personal brokenness or ambition so that you know out but the not fully committed to the task of fatherhood.

You know who Anthony Bourdain is the famous shift and he was in New York.

He was a big do the watch the documentary about the end of his life.

Turn off the question what it did commit suicide in one of the things was and that he had his daughter later in life.

In a second marriage and he wanted to be such an ideal dad that he couldn't sustain it. And then he was traveling so much so driven to make his own TV show. He got into the cycle of dysfunction of like if I copy the perfect that I'm good to be disappointment saw withdrawal but now I'm withdrawing and traveling. I love this but I feel guilty and did a lot of damage just like a torn hot parenting. That's the inconsistent that then you could involve dads. This is not your typical good American dad. You know like doing the sex talk.

Going to the game just handing out with good intent, generic Christian wisdom and worldview. And if you have a good dad. You know that the it could change a lot to celebrate Nicole's an extraordinary thing that my doubles and involved dad the unintentional Doug goes one step father my office this who is the kid that God has given me was the key to the heart is beyond general wisdom and worldview. So give an example my whole life I've had, like the equivalent of a dominant personality, outgoing leader, my entire life.

I've struggled with insecurity, not pride. I'm a reluctant leader on the guy you dragged to the mic not the guy you fought to get it from my hand, those super gifted as a kid, athletics and academics and so my dad's advice to me, always was, like, don't be arrogant. Don't be arrogant God as opposed to the prep Doug arrogant and that's true if he'd known my hot which is a heart of insecurity. He would've always said to me, have courage never found a step up like a level up, you needed your gifts to welcome you would like to see the opposite thing.

So the general wisdom was true based on the surface, observation, and it was good generic parenting now, but he did on the stomach into my heart, which is like I get to inspire confidence in my son not do with the prodigy and so the intentional father asked the question what is the key to my son's hot hello I get it, and how I development of that so that's my vision is to help dads and my guess is like listening to your audience you listing to a show about this. You probably now and involved parent in my goals. This help slider to the next level. As I think you know the joy of being understood as a young man by the greatest lesson I want to mention Allie is a lot in Christian circles, and it's kind of easy to apply in a lot of areas of our life, but sometimes when it comes to parenting our kids were not super intentional. We actually just try to run a playbook were not Taylor making with intentionality are parenting to our specific kids. John Tyson has been talking with Damon and Wilson and he's written a book called the intentional father in this book he lays out like a clear path for fathers and sons that includes very specific activities.

Rites of passage and significant marking moments that can be customized to fit any family. This book is so important and it is going to be our gift to you with any donation to family life today. If you log on to family life today.com and make a donation of any amount we are going to send you a copy of John Tyson's the intentional father is a way of saying thank you for your gift to family life today. Again, you can log online or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329. That's when he hundred F's and family L as in life, and then the word today now tomorrow Damon and Wilson to be talking again with John Tyson about the power you have over your family.

As a dad and how it's important we don't carry those bad habits and wounds that we have from our childhood into the next generation is content today or any family life programs have been helpful for you.

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