Loyalty in Marriage: When Your Spouse Messes Up

Pastors perform weddings is God that does the marriage Pastor don't join a couple together.join together holding a marriage that is not just say I'll be loyal to you like your teacher know you're loyal to two things. The files that you took before God and the God that you took the vows before that's what you loyal to their loyalty to each other is a fruit of that. This resulted that a lot of companies they get married.

Sometimes it concerns me. They don't understand you're not just saying words you were taken out as well belong when you're taking a sacred file before death do you part will take testers welcome to family life and help their relationship and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. You know there's no that everyone's wildly flip around channels when I get there. I sort of yes I totally NFL football. Now college when I come into the room that I have never watched the bachelor. But I was out of it what ever watch the season.

I gave Italian name of the bachelor about yet. I don't know how to mesmerize the guards and flip it around and you know over there. There's the bachelor and I get mesmerized because it's so comical it's like are you kidding me sorry you are bad people that love it.

I know there bachelor bachelor parties, whatever.

All I know is I'm smiling snickering because like you really think you're going to pick a future spouse, based on how they look, how they date in these exotic places right. Yes and I used to watch it when our boys had their friends, their girlfriends over and it's terrible because they say you guys just leave the room nerve-racking this show for because we would say things like okay this is it realistic or this is a terrible planner like you guys you're wrecking it. Just leave because the reason is if I would ask you okay if you're going to counsel our coach's single person on how to pick a future marriage spouse. What would you say number one thing they should be looking for character and now are looking it just out word that we know that they're looking at images and you name it, but character matters and we got James Merritt back with us in the studio today.

He is a man of character wrote a book on character lives a life or character James welcome back to back with just really enjoy being in your book character still counts, and by the way many people know you as author or pastor I didn't know 15 books that's that's pretty crazy that you've written a TV show will go's been good. Yeah, based on so many things in your life for former president of Southern Baptist convention, but probably most important euro husband, a dad and a grandfather, and that's all about character really is no older you get, the more you do realize that that you know and again as we were told earlier.

It is so important.

Without her staff. We are settled in the services of Pastor until our staff us little self-reports.

The sort number one relationship to God number to your worship to your family and that always puts his wife and I distant third relation to the church.

Also, because if you're not what you will be with God privately or not we go to be with God and your family in your home you will be what I need is minister after how good you are and what you do, you will not be what I need you to be you know we've all seen it all seen a lot of pastor shipwrecked her ministry because they made the ministry. Their marriage they made the minister their wife in there and they made the best for their children and you know your your first calling is to be as a dad and as a husband is a done work at home. Several work in the church which is you know was the Scripture talks about be a pastor you really all household. Well why did Paul say that you will talk about. You've got to get it done at home with your Christian work at home don't export.

I can remember talking our boys, this is what character kids are like that means what, what, let's character me and you really have walked us through so many things that matter, but were living in this culture.

I think parents listening like help me with this because my kids all they care about is in its care about the likes care about how many that are watching YouTube page. And so, as parents, how would you guide them to say okay focus on character instead of reputation or image. What share encouragement to the question let me just say before my answer to all the pressure after having been one think the job of parenting today is more difficult than it's ever been in the history of our country. While Bob was going up for you guys explain what social media the phrase didn't even exist. So it was a supper world, you know, in some ways and you know there are people today twitters are God's rhymes are God, the greatest claim to fame is blasphemy of followers I have 20 million followers or whatever. So having said that, I will just lay before us anything you moms and dads out there. God bless everyone of you is difficult of the good news is, is not impossible. It is still possible ways God is your nothing. Obviously, the first thing you have to do character really is a system or call us toll and the most important thing I know you guys did it, but the most important thing a parent can do is let make sure their kids see that there words match their lives that they don't sleep when mom and dad on Sunday morning and on the mountain of the mom and dad on Monday morning.

Dr. WordPerfect of my three boys drew they would be more than happy to also handle the faults I is a day of the first one to to own up to, but as a whole.

All three models will also say my dad lived what he preached. That practice what he preached and in fact, Adrian uses that Dr. Roger safe this way. He said James, I don't want to so much practice what I preach. I want to preach what I practice and that's kind of been my flashlight.

Having said that, I think the first thing you gonna do is model you got the model character in your help. If you want your kids to read their Bible U-boat lately, but I know you read yours if you want your kids to all you because we talking toward they'll know that you constantly talk to the work we've got to his parents not just model it but we got to begin to inculcate our children a biblical worldview.

That's the biggest thing missing in the church, the average Christian doesn't think biblically, I think, like everybody else thinks but when you are steeped in the word of God, and you study the word of God and you live it, then you have this biblical worldview, so you would model it. Second thing is every day teaching. His was mostly there's these negative moments of everyday were so teachable. For example, I told my grandson Harper. Not long ago. I am amazed at who will get standing ovation.

Just, you know, a rockstar Hollywood star this or that of the other did not matter if they live a life of the delicate know people in the know yet but this is him and he's cool. He makes his government would know which addresses with all the gold he wears red his neck trying to teach my grandchildren now that forget his reputation or her reputation. Once their character.

I was single my day is something to put this in the book by Dwight L. Moody. So, my distant office if you will take care of your character God will take care of your reputation. Young people today more than ever need to hear that and that said it's easy to feel guilty because we all fail. The matter how hard you try, just your boys are like mine but they have always done exactly what I would've done yet flow like mistakes with the same time you know you could look back and so you know what I must think I'm perfect. I made mistakes say that but I really did the best I could to teach them the way they should go so that when they get all they want. Apart from that, I've done the best I know how to do now you turn them over to turn over to you know you can do, but the first institution got treated was the home was the church when the government it was the home.

God made a clear big statement when he did, and it's really SEC think about marriage and family. It really is about character me everything is that's what you say in your book character still counts accounts everywhere but think about this. A member is a young pastor 30 some years ago I member think a man in some professions. Character doesn't seem to be as important as it would be in ministry. It's like it's a character profession, then you know what hit me in a husband's a character profession, being a dad is a character profession. It's all about that. So talk about like want to hear character traits of each hardbound book is loyalty. Talk about loyalty in a marriage loyalty in a marriage to me is not just being loyal to the person is being loyal to the files, watching the bachelor of nursing the bachelor myself either, but that is there a better man than me know what I miss the show. But I know enough about so it is fun it hilarious is the exact opposite.

What you will find somebody that's not the way you do it and it is you going to play out most the time anyway but up but I'll give you if I give a personal separation I'm married today. The woman I married because of the war being in my life.

My wife was the kind of girl that when I was in high school.

Apple would never date me. I did play quarterback like you didn't and my wife was a cheerleader in high school she was a cheerleader in college. She was a beauty contest when she is to be displaceable before mother saying she was the kind of girl I would say I was wrestling I wouldn't have a chance with so long story short, she had just come out of a relationship with a guy who played football.

I've seen this picture you look like 632 20 Brad Pittman ecologist. Nobody was an atheist, did believe in God, she knew that was not good for her. But you know but they were going together at all live in. Pure, but they were going together I meet her trooper call college was the use As a student pastor I met her. And again I was so shocked I just couldn't bring myself to talk to one of my students in the youth ministry without let me know he goes down to check her out so she's going with anybody. I didn't know it because Becks is a man she's free. I said you know, just talk.

Trust the Lord's. I ran down there. Look, I have nothing to do with it. Please know I did know was going to do it, but it by the way, would you like go out after Bible study night so we went out that night with good. I just hear shy boy didn't have my shine ability when I was smitten. When she turned around, set up to help me. The first time I laid eyes and I was like I was done so took route. That night we just sent talk. She went out the next item winter home and picked her up propose to her that night but they proposed did and it took her seat. She dated one guy. Why did she bid following five dated him two weeks every night trying to forget me. God would let her do it.

She came down to see me unexpectedly church where I was to see me for an hour left home and she got back home to when she will be sure to bear me so we were managed by bus labor made 45 years while she will tell you is this.

She said you are unlike any other guy I ever dated, the first thing I would find out about her. Dave, do you know Christ as first, I would ask You for sure. You don't know the Lord, we don't have an issue and so she will tell you this day. The reason the that I got her think God was not because of the is because the Christ lives in. I'm a living testimony that the happiest marriages are were two people both love Jesus here only take a husband and wife that love each other. The most the wife that loves Jesus more than she loves her husband loves her husband the most, and the husband that loves Jesus more than he loves his wife loves his wife the most. If they both look Jesus the most.

Nobody nobody is an unbeliever can really say deep down they got that kind of love for each other because it takes into another dimension takes a little something for about Pearson kids when you love God you love your kids in a way that unbeliever must avoid all of the kids I stop a point but you have to you have to be believe it or say what I'm saying it's a new level. When you love your kids, not just as your blood and you know and endure 10 kids but you love them as your brothers and sisters in Christ. It's a brand is a different level yet I know that and I'm sure James you've experienced anything as a pastor doing the wedding you're looking at this groom in this bride and I know this when I know them well enough to know this guy is thinking this.

This is not he's looking at is bride thinking she's not the most important person in my life and she's thinking the same thing and you know most weddings, you know, they're not thinking that there think it I'm married you because you're the most important person in my life. I married him because and that's wonderful and you want to feel you want to feel that on your wedding day. But when the groom and the bride know that she's not the most important person, Jesus says he's not the most important person. Jesus then you know this marriage can go the distance because if Jesus is number one character is what I'm going to be because I'm accountable to God, not just my spouse but to God. And that's going to transform a marriage.

Talk about this though, as a dad you very sons and now grandkids what if you blown it.

What if you're a man or woman. It's made some character decisions that were bad you've send in ways that you never thought you would, but your you feel like I'm not really a man or woman of integrity because my life is a match and how do you recover. First of all, you have to display true repentance for will use much anymore.

But you also for sure. Jesus ever spoke his first sermon ever preached was repent. We don't have that much anymore but I think the first thing you have to do is repent and show the fruits repent full confession here. I didn't always have the patience with my boys and I should have drawn up and I had a temper and about five maybe six Christmases ago with the radio, the house and we are getting bring personal player such that led to do this sarcoma because dancers are scheduled to play something in the stuff that is just a lost arts program start with us again as I was too hard on you, and there were times I lost my temper with you and I'm just telling you it was wrong. I was wrong. I just ask you to forgive me a course that you all called on us another note � you know I'm telling the truth was, so sugarcoat I'm sorry. I wish I could have that to do over again and I said I dictate this, but I am doing my grandkids and I'll never expect to provide his Scott irritates them something. Anyway, my point is the best thing you can do with your family is hard just going to admit what you doing whatever it is used to look a Blewitt were not going sugarcoat this. I have repented and I told Moses I've repented. I cannot do it over again, but I can do from this point all I could do all I can to show you I can.

You'll be the man in that Herbalife it all be in and out and I am so I think you know get to humble yourself, you have to confess that you have to admit it, then you have to repent and then you met safe. Hold me accountable watch me if you see me sliding in any way of this Herbalife. You owe it to me as my sons or my wife whatever to tell me to do that. The problem is this is so weird. Pride is bigger our home. Sometimes it is an Orioles, you know, for example, if you did something wrong in your job and you love your job and you know if I don't like to try to move get fired.

It's amazing how humble you can get with your boss is wheeled even more horrible with our wives with our children and our family. We blown it. Go to them. Your stature will grow the respect for you or grow their love for you ago you don't lose you when you do that, I think that really pairs with another character quality is perseverance, hike, and if they are hard on you or if you feel like I've done this a million times I've had tried to talk to my son and my daughter a million times or my husband or wife.

So often we just give up like that doesn't work I'm not can keep going, but perseverance you talk about this. If this key is interesting to because you talk about Apple and the founders Apple talk about that a little bit. I bet a lot of people don't know the story of the founders together with three guys and one of them. Frankly, you don't know his name. Yeah, I was made because he gave up too early and sold stock like peanuts $800 $800. That's right after. Now I think document what is that thing up with the but what would be worth billion $60 billion because he you know he gave up and by the way of glad you brought that up and one of the biggest things Ashley that breaks my heart in marriage. So often is people do give up too soon and people to give up too quickly enough to while limited while we quit and this is hard for people to admit. If your believer and you quit.quitting on the situation you're not quitting on the person you're quitting on God because you're what you really say when you quit. As you know what even you can't handle this. Even you can't do this.

I had a couple came in to see me is the worst situation I have ever encountered in my ministry ever couple came in to see me. This is how bad it was.

They lived apart, and always they did not divorce financially just could not afford but as always, I didn't. That's the only reason she would write her husband a birthday card she would. I love it had a birthday she would say things and I hope today's a day and he'll for you I hate you with everything she would chew do and put under store. It was toxic support so I looked at him and I'll start with him and I said and he really was based work and I said you do you are you willing to do whatever text for this marriage to work and that he said pastor I am. I looked at her and she said not sure I select to help if you don't want work. I promise you start if you don't work start and so I told so obviously I did. I would've given them a nickel for that thing work. They came back about eight months later, their glowing they're happy their company in and in their sit down and they said we was just a bit of the session must document you need a fresh sake. The claimant Dave in a sit down.

I'm thinking more. This must got a divorce knowledge or so have you to go to the details of it.

But God just got in there guy got in there and will still tell you that the nebular testimony okay today is there. So glad that they were forced to hang in there because their finances but it was God's will not leave you quit in there so they know the happiest couple on the will of the world to suggest they did not quit and that's character you I mean you list 12 different euro attributes, a character and that's a big one. You don't make it to the finish line. If you have character because you quit. It's too easy and whether this marriage job your faith and I would just add this one last thought is character is developed in community like a man, you need men in your life to look in the eye when you are exhibiting character and call you women. The women we need couples in our lives.

You don't develop it in in in the dark. You don't develop it in isolation. You need a community write that you are you play Corbett play football now is amazing James. I can tell that I get, the better. I was there is no there's no doubt about your humility. But anyway you develop your character or football field practicing with your players. I like those guys taking the hits let them show that you know I can leave this football team to go out with your receivers and just got a phone back for folding all that will develop character.

Okay. That's why the real character development so Saturday in the colleges on the NFL. That's when you work at a character you got it lights football all sports or greater. What the other thing to make a comeback. He talked about loyalty. This is the thing that the again a lot of couple don't realize anymore pastors perform weddings is God that does the marriage pastor don't join the couple together nodules together holding a marriage does not just say I'll be loyal to you like your will to each other know your loyalty to things. The files that you took before God and the God that you took the vows before that's what your loyalty bit loyalty to each other is a fruit of that is a result of that a lot of couples to get married, sometimes it concerns me. They don't understand you're not just saying words you were take it out as well do with your taking a sacred file before God, till death do you part will take testers with much of anything like the only way that now is lived out is the power of God in us power.

Jesus Christ was Holy Spirit, literally to make us men and women of character and elsewhere starts and ends it starts and ends with James.

Thanks.

Reset all enjoy most the time we hear the word loyal we think oh I'm loyal to this person or I'm loyal to this team right I'm loyal to this area. But as David and Wilson have been talking with James Merritt.

He's helped us to see that when it comes to marriage loyalty isn't necessarily to your spouse. It's a different kind of loyalty that makes it more about God vertically as opposed to the other person and us horizontally.

James Merritt has written a book called character still counts. It is time to restore our lasting values. You can order a copy in our family life resource center by logging on to family life to a.com or you can pick up the phone. Give us a call at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 FS and family L as in life, and then the word today to request your copy of character still counts by James Merritt when it comes to character. We as fathers sometimes have a lot of trouble instilling character in our sons as we think about raising them in this culture. In this environment today. John Tyson, our guest coming up tomorrow has written a book called the intentional father about how to raise your sons in a culture that pushes them in a direction that's the way from God. This book is can be our gift to you for a donation of any amount if you log on to family life to a.com and make a donation to the ministry of family life or call 1-800-358-6329 is our gift to you is way to say thank you for extending the ministry of what we do here at family life and like I said evening listening to be talking with John Tyson tomorrow. The author of the intentional father. This content today or any of the family life programs been helpful for you, would love you to share today's podcast with a friend or family member. There can really help us advance the ministry of what were doing family scroll down and read and review us on behalf of David and Wilson.

I'm Shelby and Steve back next time for another edition of family life of family life approved ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most