Sexual Sin: My Story

There's no perfect people in this room you know and that's the cicada people. Jesus comes after you have some for the people who have it all together but people who need him and whether that's because were the ones hiding soon, where were the ones who been hurt by sin by needs his grace and distrust in that people who are listening today that everybody is going to be come aware of the fact that the Jesus can help him no matter where they are whether the ones were hiding center. Though the ones who been sinned against that Jesus is their help and hope welcome to family life today to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find this@familylifetoday.com or on our family life at Stanley life today so I would say hiding a secret in marriage or even in your life is probably the biggest agony that we carry confessing something right now what I don't have a secret but you know that I carried on in our marriage for quite a while. That's interesting you say that to go there. Did you know but I knew something was going on when you're holding on secret and I kept pressing into you like what's going on. I can tell something was wrong and I hated that you knew because I had this struggle with pornography that I was caring all by myself and you could feel it. You could feel it in our only I could tell that we want wine we are separate in some way I can figure out why one of the best days of my life is a dad told you the struggle. It was the worst day of mine journey.

Yeah, you want to live in the worst day. Now let's just kinda go past that because I didn't respond very well. I feel bad that I didn't respond well that I didn't at that time because I was so shocked and what we know is many men and women struggle with this struggle, as well as others, but it's a secret and nobody knows and today were going to talk about it. I would go as far as saying it's an epidemic in the church that we keep hiding.

Yeah, we got Garrick out with us today. A pastor who is also written about this, but also how struggle with about your welcome him alive today.

That's good to be here with both of you better but is your signal. Rare smile, and what is the smile just love hanging out with y'all and I love the both of you. There's no perfect people in this room you know and that's the cicada people. Jesus comes after you have come for the people who have it all together but people who need him and whether that's because were the ones hiding sin or were the ones who been hurt by sin by needs his grace and you know I'm distrust in the people who are listening today that everybody is going to be come aware of the fact that the Jesus can help him no matter where they are whether the ones were hiding center. Though the ones who been sinned against that Jesus is their help and hope now because funds have lunch with Dick is that you know we just met and I know your pastor Delray Baptist Church in Virginia, but I didn't know you went to college with Michael Vick that was like a highlight of lunch he wouldn't know that, but I did actually little girl is dating what's in, that's another story. But yes I would, Virginia Tech, and that's working to the Lord middle my junior year I didn't think were going to go here initially in this interview but obviously read talk about your book pure in heart sexual sin in the promises of God in order to get there but your journey to Christ is an epic story. I thought why not start there something about stories and hearing how Jesus woos us and wins that it's inspiring and I think our listeners will be inspired to start but go back to your college days walk us into your story. Well, I met a group in a loving home.

We went to churches, moderate church, were you know God was kind of a safe conversation and the only thing I knew about Jesus versus painting this awful painting of Jesus was, like clickers from Denver news in a bathroom and everything is just it was one of those pictures of Jesus and just too much my life is about sports and sitting in all the ways the parties provide the opportunity for and that was my life in high school and then went off to college was very much the same and you know I always did in the name of fun and never thought that I was hurting people, but right before my junior year, there was a girlfriend and I who she got pregnant and she told me she told me was mine and I remember she asked me she's I want to. Will you be with me and when ready to be married and because I know but I was like get some money help us figure this out. So she decided we decided to have an abortion and I was there through the whole thing. We both wept, and we didn't know why and how. I went back to our separate ways. I went back to school and I just dove into the party scene of a lived with some people who are in the raving about drugs all come stuff and I was just empty. Trying to fill this hole in my heart and I invited a buddy named Dave down to come off this parties can be an epic Halloween party and he closed the door to settle the bed.

He looked at me goes, I don't do this anymore okay.

We said. He said I love Jesus. Now I said I came here to tell you the Jesus loves you too and I knows probably to be hard. We Know, I want you to know that I like okay I'm off went back out. You sit on the couch in our bodies like a dude on the couch look to places like I became a Christian world all for God. He is thinking.

We've got a yeah but he throughout the weekend, I saw he had what I was chasing I was still empty, but he had peace, a peace that wasn't found in anything other than this, Jesus, and he talked about and I got mocked and made fun of them might have an email that I sent to him. You know, telling them that you know tell Jesus I said hi and I'm sure he will be back to normal. We can smoke a fatty to celebrate all this, stuff I just got a fundamental dizzy spell at any amount you actually if you if you look up the stand and save my soul.

The whole thing is there the emails they are really interesting but it haunted me in a couple weeks later I was in the middle of a another rave party was doing drugs. All of a sudden I felt a lot of darkness became very aware that there was evil around me and evil in me and it spooked me somewhat back to my room, close the door had you ever had that kind of sense before knowing the darkness thing. No note for me.

The darkness used to be I thought was given me life.

It was fun is where I was fighting my joy, my piece down all of that right which now of course as he is an idol to the Lord's post provide was a counterfeit sales deals and counterfeits so I went back I saw my Bible speaking out from underneath the bed.

My parents are given to you to hide under my big sucker.

My style, but that they would stick it out and I set down aptly, but will relate where to set down open the Bible randomly, but we know there's no such thing as random luck or chance God's providence made it open to the book of Ezekiel Ezekiel 18 and the new living translation says the one who sins is the one who dies a father will not be judge for the son sends normal Sunday judge for the father sins, but each person will be judged according to what they've done producing a delight in the death of the wicked. Nobody would turn and live, says the Lord, and have freaked me out. As the Bible and I was like okay what else you got to the New Testament, which I know that meant I just opened up and started reading the book of Romans and can Romans chapter 2 verse work in the new living translation says don't you realize how kind, tolerant and patient God is with you or don't you care.

Can't you see how a patient giving you time to turn from your sin, but no you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath when God will judge all people according to my gospel was right than that in God's mercy. He showed me that he and I were not cool. I felt really guilty as start confessing all my sins to my sister and she's like you're in trouble some help and all the somewhat sober, those in the drug we don't get sober is like the last for hours and all of a sudden just in the middle of the completely sober and I thought I need to call Dave and I called a buddy that had come down to the party and he came up to my house at two in the morning. His Bible and had tears streaming down his face and he said Dean do you know what I was doing when you call me I said no I said I was doing the same thing I've been doing every single night since I left Virginia Tech. I was on my knees praying for you to believe in Jesus and got hurt his person and on the last person you should be a Christian.

For some reason Jesus wanted me even though I didn't want him, and he sought me and he saved me and I've been following him imperfectly ever since and it's been a sweet journey does done a lot of good things is been a lot of really wonderful thing of seeing God save people. He saved my sister. You see, my mom and my dad after that he saved other people in my life having this passion to tell all your friends about. I became keenly aware that oh my goodness, all these friends. I used to invite into sin because I was orchestrated likely that's what I said thoroughly supporting someone or but come and have a good time, but now I'm aware I was leading people to hell and now I have a responsibility. I found a way it's like those beggars and then in the stories of the kings where they find some bread and their eating and they realize weight earliest back starving and I had to go tell.

So I went back and started trying to trying to share the gospel with everybody in any way that I could think of funny unveiled versus about helps with drug dealers door freaked him out. I went back to my pastor own will Mac it was a good godly man. He was occasionally do.

How about you Lisa for these keggers in my house.

I was like a little party in about an hour into it on again on the cake. Turn the lights and tell them about Jesus and his like Billy Graham Crusade deleted the spirit of right of the liquid got people who got to know and he's like I procedures you use, but how about you shoes the church or whatever you want and so we made it known that we were to have this thing we call the Christ night and we have this deal at this church and word got out that I was thrown a party of the church and or by those to be a big joke and I wonder, because a lot of people ended up coming 90 think they contain a lot of it was God. Yeah, I think God was working in a unique way to remit a couple other people getting Gary, who had been a cocaine dealer who got saved my buddy Dave a gun save was another guy who'd gotten saved.

The Lord was working uniquely in their town at this time. And then when I got saved when mobility seasonality.after the church is a football practice and he was very much that will cover the Lord. He was bragging about you know all these things you done though the city done over the weekend and the FCA leader who was there. Looked over to visit was that before or after the FCA meeting disease to go to while I get that convicted him. And then there like a sister talk about got a page here get killed became a Christian and he's like start laughing he said let's bind the last guy in our town that you would've thought they would've ever followed Jesus. So when word got out that I'm to be throwing a party to church all these people came so God's mercy.

There was teachers there and friends and all these, people a lot of people heard the gospel and it was a remarkable couple of months where an altar call we give an altar call and like two thirds the people in the room came down again. Not all of them stayed and persevered in faith, but today there's people who are pastors, missionaries, there's some people heard just by the other day from somebody they asked him how to become a Christian. I said well when they were five. Their parents went to the single Christ night and they both got convicted of sin and turn from and trusted in Jesus were born again and came home. And ever since their families been no trying to follow Jesus together and that's all. In spite of me, like there's nothing in that I'm nobody struts into the service of the King right on the Lord mercifully allowed me to be a part of that and I'm so thankful you know what a great story of God saving one man but through one man, and this is legacy and generational kingdom impact is what happens when one person says I'm all in. I mean you don't know this about me but when I gave my life to Christ loves ME it were so similar in terms of I was just a party animal is known on the college campus is the quarterback, but as the guide all parties with I was the first guy at the keggers all think and I and I actually was mentored when I became refreshing by the senior quarterback. He said you're going to replace me as the starters, I want you to learn this. What we lead on the field we lead in the bar. Uncle Sammy was due were the first ones we get drunk. The most we lead both places as I do it so I felt is not ship it was terrible. As I but bottom line. When I came to Christ, the guy who mentored me now is a follower Christ and by the way, he said I'm young guys call me have this athletic ministry in the campus. I looked at them when I met him like no I didn't. There's no way was inaptly and again I'm not judging, but I was like no athletes can respond to you and he had the same core edible ministry, but what he said that because I said it to Bill.

I submit. Now I'm a Christian. We're going to locker room and I'll put this big Jesus banner on their share the gospel and he looked at me as said that's fine at the best way to do it well. I we got a better idea. Any you know what we did.

He said I got a magazine called the athletes in action magazine. It has testimonies of pro athletes and it how about I get you 100 of these you given all the guys on the team and will try and set up an appointment with them after to say what you think of the magazine I okay solicitous.

We did it and I think nobody can be with us. We set up an appointment site.

Let's talk about the magazine the last two pages of the magazine where the gospel so we'd sit down again would think magazine sprinkle legitimately read the last two pages. No waiver of the last two pages.

Can we walk you through it.

We saw 25 guys come to Christ in two weeks out of 100, here's what I want to say to you is that because I listen to this and even my own field. When I first gave my life to Christ, I thought, how have I not heard about this.

How are we not announcing this from the rooftops like we need Jesus and he is the answer to life and peace and joy and people are going to hell SS I have is so fired up about this.

What happens you now why don't we have sometimes that same VLAN nest hunger to let our friends know about Jesus, you know, I think there's ways the Lord uses youthful zeal and, in that it also does when after you so I don't know that my zeal is changed it's just I hopefully is matured so this ties my zeal ebbs and flows. In reality, sort of walking Lord I but I wouldn't want us to feel unnecessarily guilty. Even if the way we are following the Lord changes a little bit and yeah because that's enough Lord is all kinds of things on why love Evan Jones Ellis people around the you know defense and plaintiff corrects them targets of greatest unvested. I'm sure at some of my sermons would need to be deleted off some of those old ones that I did just this is where you know you even even the first three years of preaching of the church and a pastoring in Texas like I had to delete the first three years off to start the suspect in the midst of the mess. There is something about the zeal of a new believer this week. This is contagious and sometimes you can get in a rut is the more mature longer believer in your like what happened in that be it stoke something. Even our kids have done that in us as parents, which is been yeah been really beautiful but here's the here's a question. It you know we want to get into because I don't hear this experience, but I sort of thought when it came to Christ.

Now my sin life is done. I won't struggle and we struggle in one of the struggles we talked about already. Earlier was pornography and you wrote a book about it and you open the book with your struggle. So let's talk about that little what happened.

Let's add to that you married.

How many years get married for 14 years, six kids, 60 you're busy. Yes, you are always cozy structures that you go to vacation. She is doing all the hard work at home is your oldest is 13 youngest is three months yes yes is doing a lashing house, but yes, you said it, when you become a Christian. I know for me.

Initially there was nothing to do with sin and turn from it.

Then it was amazing how quickly would creep back in and I was stunned a little bit. I didn't notice I didn't get into a church right away it was me in the Bible and just a couple Christian friends.

I was meeting here and there. So I became very confused and riddled with shame and guilt when I would continue to fall back into sins and all kinds of stuff but I think you're right that when you become a Christian. There still temptations abound, and we still have our sinful flesh and we've got to learn. Okay what does it mean that as Christians to walk. Now with the Holy Spirit yes but how do we walk where were still to be struggling, and we've got to find ways to fight against. Yeah so talk about that. I mean, you open your book, which is powerful book about purity in hard and especially as we Artie said, toward sexual sin. But you had a secret sort like I did that you battle So I still remember the first time that I saw pornography.

I was at a friends house was in fifth grade, he said hey what you become your own. I will show you what I found and hid down some part of his debt is hidden. I can still if I tried to bring up the image of my mind I could still see that wrinkle page in the in the sunlight and what was on it.

It awakened in me something that day. This corrupted curiosity, sexual curiosity were wired for there were sexual beings.

God made sex is not a wicked thing. It's a wonderful thing that God gave his gift a husband and wife so it's a good thing but sin gets a hold of it and twists it distorts and perverts and that was my whole life as a nonbeliever and then as I became a Christian I still had the struggles and there was relationships that I tried to get into the didn't go well. I cannot break away from those kinds relationships and what became more prominent was a struggle. Pornography, it felt safer in one sense, because a woman sitting with someone I could see and in regards like flesh and blood. I remember I was had been a believer for about three years of sit in a Bible study.

I just started seminary and Susan pastor said amen remember hearing not out loud audibly, but just a spool of you to go home and you look at pornography and I didn't. I drove home from Bible study is a seminary student. Some who want to be in ministry who love the Lord and went home. I sat on my couch and I pulled up pornographic website and I looked at it for hours and my roommates were home and was click after click click click and I remember when I finally just unplug the computer ever sitting there thinking I guess I'm just always good to be like this. So I've got to figure out how to be a Christian and walk with this guilt in this flick I could talk about excited know anybody else that was struggling with this. This is we were in church was healthy at the sensitive preach the Bible. It had a high view of Jesus. It was evangelistic, it was service oriented for the community and all those good things. But there wasn't the kind of culture in the church where it was normal and expected to confess sins so I created this façade were I would basically wear a mask and I would say hey you know I am struggle little bit. Pray for me and that's what confessions look like right and that I just took that into seminary and into early parts of serving as an evangelism pastor at the church.

I was at and then we planted a church out from there and I end up passing there for 7/2 years.

The first three years that I was there I had a secret struggle with pornography, I wasn't married I was a single pastor at that time I was in an unplanned place on the middle of nowhere, West Texas and an unplanned pace want to be married a woman I didn't know what to do with all the stresses and pressures and the ministry was being blessed like the church was growing. We met on the storefront. We went from 13over 13 or so it will more. Jesus never went from 13 to 30 to 60 to 90 Defino fire code violating 120, we couldn't invite the fire marshal was a joke because we would get in trouble so that we that we bought a rollerskating rink from the coast.

Holy rollers and we we met there and it it filled up to God just was blessing the whole time I was struggling and what I mean by that is I had a pattern of every two weeks or a month where I would often times in a stressful day.

I would escape to pornography sometimes would be for two minutes.

Sometimes a B for two hours and then I would delete my search history and I would call a friend to be the case. Let's don't feel tempted, would you pray for me and again assure him abdicate things a bit in the good now but like I was never honest and I was confessing my sins.

All kinds of different people, so I had 12 or 15 different friends and nobody had like a pulse on how I was actually doing so. This whole time. I am getting up in front of people telling them about Jesus teaching his word. God is blessing all the while my conscience is haunted. It does weird things yeah I know, here's the thing.

I think what you just described. So many are living that life and they may not be a pastor be enough preach and but it's the same life there should secret they may like you said I am a little bit, but that since like they're afraid to go to the reality of the darkness. It's really grip them.

I've been there. You been there yes and listeners are there a lot of women to because there's an extra minute shame because there woman and that feels even more weird.

There is a made we don't have time to get to the answer, so we'll leave you right where your hang in and say if you're that guy or that gal don't miss the next part of this because we been there, but there is a way out), Jesus provides way. Yeah, he says, coming to me all you are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Severe feeling the shame and the guilt and you are weary and hiding. I want you know Jesus is the answer comes sexual sin is something that so many people are trapped in today and I try to buckle down with self-discipline and it doesn't work in one of the things I loved about this conversation is that Garrett Kell whose author the book pure in heart. He doesn't claim in his book the need to come to him for all the answers when he does instead is come alongside you in this book as a kind and thoughtful wise older brother whose not immune to the struggles with sexual purity himself.

That's what I love about this. He talks about it frankly and gives us hope in the process.

As David and Wilson have been talking with him today. I've been so encouraged to hear that once again he's not pointing us to a program for solutions. He's pointing us to the gospel.

He's pointing us to Jesus himself. As I said, Garrett has written a book called pure in heart, and it's available in our family life resource Center.

You can find it on our website@familylifetoday.com and you can order a copy of Garrett's book there. And while you're there this week when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of family life we want to send you a copy of Sharon changes book when you don't like your story. The subtitle of it is, what if your worst chapters could become your greatest victories. So when you make a donation of any amount to the ministry of family life. We will send you a copy as a way of saying thank you for your donation of Sharon James's book when you don't like your story you can order it@familylifetoa.com or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329 this one, 800 F's and family L as in life, and then the word today. Now if you wanted to hear more about this topic. Specifically, Garrett Kell had a chance to sit down with Ray or Linda have a frank conversation about sexual sin and our struggles with it that's available on our family life app you could download that anywhere you get your apps or you could go to family life to a.com and subscribe to the podcast feed to get that episode there.

Now this content today as we been talking about sexual sin, or any of our family life programs been helpful for you.

We'd love you to share today's podcast with a friend or a family member, and wherever you get your podcast can really advance the work that we're doing at family life. If you scroll down and rate and review us tomorrow. Dave and Anakin to be talking more, again with Garrett Kell about being transparent with our sin, being honest about what's going on in our lives that's coming up tomorrow on behalf of David and Wilson. I'm Shelby Abbott will see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, today's a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most