When Is It Okay To Have Sex?

So question for you if you could go back to your teenage years that I knew you then but I was so much older and mature three years older, but you don't eyes go you figured you not even ever get the dates away that much younger, but so go back to like 13 maybe 14, 15 years old again. There was no Internet.

Then there was you were going to Google like a question like I gotta get an answer to this. Just wondering what that question would be for you.

I think Robin Christian home and so my first question, especially at that age would have been weighing on my right here when it's okay to have sex. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us if family life today.com or on our family life and his family life today.

Well it's interesting while you were sitting in bed last night and I had my laptop out. I googled the question like that. I bet a lot of teenagers are asking a question, so I just type in which I was thinking later.

This is can look weird on my history. How can I know if I'm ready to have sex you want to hear the answer. First thing came up and I did it for different times and every time this was the very first number one, number one hit was deciding if you're ready to have sex is a big decision that's very personal. It's important to think it through and wait until you're sure you're ready that goes on how I know what number and have sex the site have sex is a big deal.

It's important decision that only you can make a healthy sex life itself with everything that you hear about including your personal values your school career goals emotional physical risk you're willing to take.

Think about of having sex is something you really want to do or something. You're being pressured to do a back and redo the rest of guests where that comes from 90 Planned Parenthood that is just number one site that you're going to get an answer so to let you read what would a teenager thing.

I think you would think all it's really up to me and maybe I'll talk to my parents now stuck to my friends and I think there'd agree with me. I'm probably ready yet again. It's just a nebulous answer that needs some help and so let's bring somebody in the studio to help us get a better answer to that question. We have Sean McDowell back with us. Dr. Shawn McDowell and you know he's written a book called chasing love, which we've already had some discussion about but it's perfect because it sex, love and relationships in a confused culture Sean. Welcome back to family life today.

Thank you for having me parents, I just can I say you need to get this book. So yeah, there's a workbook with that and shine like it with the workbook who would go through the work, but this is just teens alone in a group.

When parents built with 13 see how the workbook comes along with a nine part teaching series that I I taught video 1012 minutes kind of explaining some of the key ideas so I've had youth groups go through and contact me. I've had churches as a whole actually go through and really sent me a text like our entire like younger singles group and he had up on the screen are all watching and discussing it together that parents just take kids through it individually and some homeschool groups have used it that which is great and you know, I know you deal almost every day right at Talbot school of theology in a viola and then you also teach local high school where your kids are in that school, high school, they are you awesome yeah yeah so you're dealing with the young people's questions all the time. I'm guessing you've heard the question I googled last night and how do I know when I'm ready to have sex and obviously have a whole section on this question in the book.

How would you answer that. Why probably answered differently to a non-Christian that I would to a Christian. Let's hear both so if it if a non-Christian asked Sue that I would probably say so questions you make about sexuality are tied to who you are and the kind of person you want to become because having sex with somebody is the one thing you do that brings us human life into existence. You agree that it's a big deal yes. So what you think it means to love what is loving somebody I probably go that route a little bit, I might ask this question at say okay do you want to get married someday I'd start with kind of the end in mind, and most young people would still say yes it's okay what you want that marriage to be like want that person be faithful to you want that person to have had sex with a lot of people before there with you. I think I would just start with the vision of the kind of person they want to become and then help them think through sexuality plays into that role.

And then of course if non-Christian was open to it. How would quickly bring it to God and say no really this is a question about is there a God and a designer for your life. The fact that you're asking this question you realize a lot is at stake, and you can't really answer this question without having some assumption about if there's a God and how he wants us to live. So if you thought about those questions. That's probably the route that I would go non-Christian asked me that.

I think with a Christian. The problem with that piece by Planned Parenthood and I did all those searches when I was writing this book I knew. And yes I call you all yeah I thought about it a little bit in the South. They started this new short answer thing by Planned Parenthood with a target all the questions kids will type into Google and then it sends it to Planned Parenthood sexuality so I knew that's what was going. This is a subjective kind of question. It basically summed up in if you feel ready, you're ready yeah so there's no moral component to that. There's no obligation to somebody else.

It's all at Highfield which is exactly what young person wants to hear if a Christian asked me that. And they said no window.

I know that I'm when I'm ready to have sex or not, I would say okay Mr. question are you a follower of Jesus Christ. Yes. What did Jesus say about what it takes to be ready, they might not know the exact answer. They probably say well I guess he said you ready when you're married, I'd say that's exactly right.

The Scripture says God designed sex for one man and one woman become one flesh for one lifetime. So your feelings are actually irrelevant to whether you're ready or not I would've said at that time. Why would God say that lady she was. I yeah the Christian answer are you get pushback. We role-play to want me there tonight. That's down.

It feels like God's given us these desires. Why would we wait and why would God say no. If you ever thought about how if God has given us these desires. Like you said, and they are strong, good, beautiful desires that maybe he knows something you and I don't know, and has a better plan for it. Has that ever gone to your mind, because God could said like a guy and a girl like pinky swear to Pops out. He could've made sex at sure he's the one who designed it think he swear pinky swear you swear my new unit is focus better mind.

I'm writing about that living in the like. I'm pregnant again. I like he could've made it a chore, but he didn't and you admitted like God is the one who designed this so if he is all-knowing and he gave us the strong desires and this amazingly beautiful thing called sex has it ever crossed your mind that maybe he knows what's best for you and what's best for me in terms of how we experience and that's good. And then I would've liked to have heard a story or consequence of that going bad that's what I would think that for me because I remember the first time I had sex in our dugout that it was because it was tragic like it was. I felt horrible and new words and I wish somebody could've said that to me but I wasn't open enough. I would probably googled that and I do know that when you are getting come to Christ to my junior in college and the aroma college athlete.

I'm living the life and sort of not even knowing of copy and the sins of my father who was a womanizing sort of drinker and here I am. I've come to Christ and that was my first question to the to the man that discipled me who was involved with crew. He was a student actually and married and I remember going to his house and having dinner in first thought I had is I've never seen a marriage like this.

They love each other.

While it's obvious they were trying to display this or just being Bill and Corky there was her name Corky will uncork a grimace on like I've never seen this and so when I had a moment with Bill owner Mike okay I got ask you some. I got a know what's the Bible say about sex because I want to honor God with my life and my body. I'm guessing what I'm doing is not honoring God and he walked me through the trip. Surely you know in and said here's what he said just what you said Sean was like you know God is the creator of marriage and is just seen a good one. So now I'm like wow, marriage can be good.

I'd never seen that my home and I've actually never seen it in any Christian home, but now I'm watching it and so I want to know what they think. What is God think about this, and it was a defining moment in cousin when we started dating around about six months later, we are like no this is something worse even to honor the covenant of marriage, and it was a goal and it was we want to protect.

We want to do in his wedding seen a picture of what it could be just really curious like is God really know he knows us and loves us so he must have something in-store I love in the butt that he said on. Have you ever imagine what the world be like if everyone lived the sexual ethic of Jesus with the world be better or worse. That's a powerful statement in the black talk about that a little bit. That is one of my favorite questions to ask young people ask young people who are not Christians.

By the way, to get them to think about this as well and of course sometimes you have to clarify what she is the sexual ethic was essential was there's two ways to love God, not a people in marriage and singleness. If you're married, it's one man one woman, one flesh, one lifetime. So all simply asked students also can imagine everybody embrace that with the world be better would be the same. Would it be worse.

Let's start to write on the board think the answer socks. I think he had half-year kind, but students start, you know, a student will go okay.

I guess there'd be no divorce kids would have a mom and dad go.

That's right, because Jesus said that marriage is permanent, then some cattle say why guess there'd be no sex abuse because Jesus talked about loving your neighbor was a part of the sexual ethic, and some kiddos. I guess there'd be no pornography or victims of pornography.

I guess there'd be no sexually transmitted diseases to be no deadbeat dads leaving their no wise for a trophy wife there be no crude sexual humor. On and on it starts to dawn on students. Okay, wait a minute, the rules that Jesus gave is not to control us. He's not you know some big cosmic killjoy's people say it's actually for human flourishing. It's for our best and that's why I'll take it back on. See that's why David says in Psalms 19 he rejoices in the law of the Lord. That's actually the Lana David had a hard time following a bony is inspired. He knew that God's laws brought freedom. That's why Moses writes in Deuteronomy 10 he says love the Lord God of your heart your soul your mind your strength and follow these commandments which I'm giving you for your good.

There objectively for our good, so what the tubular time and minute ago is kids will not really start to sacrifice following their feelings, and urges until they have a bigger vision of what marriage and relationships should be like. That's why as an athlete.

All of us were athletes never capacity you suffer for something when you have a bigger goal. So part of what the church is done is said sex is bad. Don't do that. We haven't given kids a vision of no. Here's why marriage is beautiful. Here's why biblical love is the greatest experience you can have. Then, when they have a bigger vision to it oftentimes gives us strength to resist some of the lies and temptations and the culture in which we live think is under your home.

How do you teach these kind of things your kids. I can see in the classroom like to the board start yeah because I love to know how you did that and you don't sort of model for parents. How do we talk about these kind of things with her kids what age was because Ed starts the moment a kid comes out of the womb. I'm think about it the way you touch a baby even appropriately is learning them to become comfortable with their bodies affectionate touch the tone that we use the way you treat somebody of the opposite sex. Kids are learning from day one. Now how we have conversation very sore driving a car and my son who's eight my daughter made a statement because she's 14 and they're having a discussion about abortion and she said some shingles, dad, what's abortion anything a lot parents it's a oh, don't ask. I can't believe my dad to train them like here's an opportunity so my mind I like how I explained it's in a way that's appropriate to an eight-year-old. I said well buddy abortion is one of the great tragedies of our day. I said many women for different reasons sometimes decide they don't want to keep and deliver the baby that's inside of them. Dad, why would they do that. I said well I walked to. Here's three or four different scenarios because how do they do it abortion my wife like donut inside out. I was like I'm the dad.

So I err on the side of going well you seen superhero movies where people die, you seen that. Okay you seen people killed. I said well sometimes it happens, the unborn, but keep in mind they can't protect themselves.

There inside a mother it's a it's a human being. So it's a tragedy we gotta have so much compassion for these moms who feel like it's good to say that the choice they have to make butt buddy that's a human being. We gotta protect to and then he's like okay can we watch this week. If you get these moments so the main way I try to teach it is just sometimes I posit TV I don't it too much, as it will dry my kids nuts, but we are watching the flash TV show and apposite now and then go catch. Gotta to say something and the like dad whatever like I know but listen okay will keep watching it over the dinner table. Sometimes when were driving. I just look to have consistent regular conversations with my kids about these things because that's why think truth is really passed on in conversation so I'm looking for opportunities to arise a lot of people and those opportunities come up about sex they want to divert at the other direction. I might great you are interested let's talk about and what is this mean what are we afraid of and part of what that does is it just shows kids got design your body.

Our worldview applies to this were not ashamed of this. This is a good beautiful okay thing if you don't know the answer. Just go that's a really good answer. Can you give your dad some time to think about this and come back to you because I want to give you an answer.

That's helpful.

Every kids can be like that's fine then you think about. I called my tackle because I had with Elvis that I go back to my kids and that's just that's a part of the process. But you gotta be intentional.

Gotta be consistent. You gotta model it with your kids and you just gotta ask a lot of questions. Did your conversations change a little bit, as your kids get older because ours did before they were 12. We were kind of instructing tea pot and then when they became teenagers. We started asking them a lot more questions and he did you do some of that or were you always asking. I've always been a question asked her.

Yeah. So I encourage my kids ask questions. One things I say to my son because he's eight now that I tucked them in whatever I remember all say nobody you can ask your dad anything because studies show kids a big reason kids leave their faith is not doubt its unexpressed out so my kids to feel free to ask questions. I'm not afraid to sign fight this. Let's have a conversation about issues of sexuality as well so I've always kind of invited that things are pretty black-and-white until the age you said about you know like in seventh graders. It's like you believe this your dumb you believe that you are smart like and then they start learning abstract thinking. As you move 1213 1415 you can have the more sophisticated conversations. I know that for us and was great at talking about sex as a normal part of, nothing every day. Only five questions and it was we tried and nothing we did a perfectly, but we try to create an atmosphere where that topic was no more weird than talk about sports or the news or really anything and I met one guy said to us. One of our sons friend said man I figured out the equation.

The race of virgins, like what he goes over to your house.

You guys somehow have a conversation about sex. I guess you talk about sex in your home your kids grow up and they stay pure in my I don't know about that but you didn't highlight that when he was at our house he was like wow that's unique. The Wilson's are okay talk about this and get another. We brought it up all the time but I can remember doing the same thing with the TV and hit the pause button and it got to the point where the boys like seriously. Dad were going to get another lesson based on summits on TV but was seizing those moments.

Hopefully those lessons were less than two minutes. You know to grab it but here's the here's another question. So when your kids push back and maybe you haven't had this but I'm sure you've seen this if they push back against what you're teaching them or they start living differently than what you're teaching and hoping they'll do how's a parent response.

Well, that depends on how they push back because there's a kind of pushback this like I'm being rude and rebellious and pushing back out of disrespect or a kind of pushback that's like you know I just don't know that I buy that and here's why. So even I've had conversations, my kids, I've had to apologize and think of the way I wanted to for sure, but I haven't had them pushback rebelliously and angrily and some of that is because the relationship that we have certainly had my son and daughter. You know say things like I don't know if I see it that way and I'll go. Okay, tell me about that.

I'm really curious now, oftentimes I'll just ask a lot of questions. My daughters like what's the point at me. She got a mug recently that says I don't Google my dad knows everything. I think it was a compliment on the lettuce.

She's like I can't even argue anything the eyesight. I'm not trying to argue with you I want to know what you think. I'm just asking you questions we can have a conversation so I have to moderate these things because I don't want to go into debate mode and I just remind myself of Mike okay. It's okay if you differ from me, but know why and let's make sure it lines up with Scripture and you know here new answer. That reminds me the last time you are on. We ask you about your rejection of sort of the faith you or your journey and how your dad responded that similar vision to talk about that a little bit like you're doing a very similar thing you know, look, I get interacted a lot of atheists and skeptics and ex-Christians over and over again you hear common story of a lot of hurt more, just this fundamentalist background that doubt was terrible. And if you question things.

It would damage our relationship. Not every time, but many times you hear that and my dad as much of an apologist in conservator has he is, went out of his way to communicate to us that his love for us was not dependent whatsoever on what we believe. So this time the referring to. I think I was 19 years old and just told my dad I wasn't sure that I was convinced that Christianity is true and I'm sure many people listening know he's written hundred 50 books and spoken to tens of millions of people defending the Christian faith, and his sons. I cannot try and convince any didn't freak out. He just was like a century ago, son, that's great. You can't live off what I think is true. You can't know for yourself what you think is true. Your mom and I are going to love you no matter what.

And that just deflates so much of the concern and the anxiety that kids have, and I try to do that with my kids.

You know my kids of said stuff at times that what I believe this is almost like me and I'll just say you know that would never change my love for you that you come on, almost in just to make sure they know relationship would never change. I know that we've written a book called no perfect parents and in the month. I just pulled up her adult sons at the end of some of the chapters right in terms of like just tell us in this in your words tell our readers or tell the reader what worked and what didn't work or what you appreciate its greater wish your parents would've changed and so that is furnished and you know when we got there manuscripts back. Yeah, I'm sure we didn't tell you, writing you, one need if we were horrible right it, you know, in our oldest son, who is always a thinker. These engineering brain very analytical.

Always a question from day one. Just full enough that I thought I want to make sure I get this right you know he's the first one that wrote in the just reflections in the said I probably would've become an atheist.

If you had shut down my questioning of things like young Earth creationism when I was a high school and college. Wow. I know that yeah we do know until that's like I'm amazing to me was such a beautiful thing to read and I do remember many conversation but even that specific one and I'm like well great question. There are several different opinions on that.

Here's let you know, never knowing that it could've pushed him if I would've been the dead, the said you can't question you can't tell your pastor son. This is how goes it was so interesting when he was maybe four. I think you know what reading the Bible were telling Bible stories in this my night before he's going to sleep. He says mom so doesn't say that we aren't allowed to murder or kill in the 10 Commandments I think that is true because so we just read Annette tonight about David chopping off Goliath's head. Like why is that okay. But the Bible said he's foretell what you said. I hate but there's a part of me that felt fearful like this kid is, he can automatically his parents as a mom I go into that fear zone is like oh no natural day foxing and he says yeah I'm so glad CJ great deep question. You're smart and let's talk about that because those are great questions.

Never feel ashamed to ask those kind of questions and you know it honestly that tension of like him knowing my mom's concern for me and my dad is like it's going to be okay, that's a good tension for kids, so don't beat yourself up. He has no my mom loves me and is feeling that pain with me. I told my mom when I was questioning things and my dad was like son, that's great. Seek truth. I love you last night. My mom was like shattered and I remember thinking I this is my life. Like why does it bother you so much and then about five years ago when my kids were in deep pain. I thought back on that was like now I get maybe what it would have been like your mom maybe to feel that I think five days ago I was with the group of probably 13 moms all teak. They all had teenagers and that the best way I can describe them is they were ripped in here of what the culture was doing to their kids.

What would you say to those moms and even dad that are feeling that fear we will hear how Sean McDowell answers that question in just a minute your listing to family life today with Dave and Ann Wilson been talking today with Sean McDowell, who has written a book called chasing love, sex, love and relationships in the confused culture and it's a book or making available this week to family life today listers if you can help support the ongoing outreach of family life today.

Help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. When you make your donation request your copy of Sean McDowell's book again. It's called chasing love, sex, love and relationships in a confused culture. The book is our thank you gift to you. When you make a donation and you can donate online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today donate on behalf of those who listen to family life to the on this local radio station or who listen to it as a podcast. Thank you for making programs like this possible, let me just say if you are listening to family life today is a podcast if you can leave us a review that helps us spread the word about this program to others and will allow more people to benefit from the ministry of family life today so leave a review wherever you get your podcast but let me ask a quick question when was the last time you spent some focused concentrated time thinking about what the Bible teaches about marriage, or about parenting, you know, we can know find ourselves in small group studies where were learning lots of good things about Bible study or about prayer. All that's good.

But from time to time, we need to be pulling back and saying how do we renew our minds when it comes to our marriages and raising our kids here at family life.

We have created resources designed to help small groups have some compelling conversations together about marriage and family. We got resources like the art of marriage.

The art of parenting David and Wilson's vertical marriage series we did a series on my book. Love, like you mean that all of these resources. Right now we're making available with the special offer to family life to a listers if you want to buy any of these resources to use with your small group use the promo code new year 2022 and you'll save 25% off any of our small group resources. You can check all this out on our website@familylifeto.com but if you're in a small group or you been thinking you need to form a small group.

Here's a great way to kick things off and get everybody focusing on marriage and parenting and save a little money in the process. Again, go to family life to date.com for more information. Use the promo code new year 2022 for the savings just a minute ago and Wilson was asking today's guest Sean McDowell about parents who are fearful of how he would counsel them in the midst of their fear, hear Sean's answer. I would say couple things I would say the Bible says perfect love casts out fear. Perfect love casts out fear.

The only thing we can control is how much we love our kids and my kids became teenagers. I learned very fast. I cannot control become the way I could.

When they were younger. They go as a whole as they get older what they believe my control is gone and minimized in many ways the older they get. I can build a relationship with them. I can pray for them and I can unceasingly love them so.

Never underestimate the power of a praying and a loving family like today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most