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January 9, 2022 9:00 pm
Remember newlywed-land? (What's changed?) Authors Kevin & Marcia Myers help get back to where you started--and recreate the spark.
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I've never understood why my parents divorced they were Christians: quote and how could you not make it work. If you know Jesus I'm sitting at home were pastoring for two years and I got to choose my wife. I said no I know because I think I could be without her. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us if it will live today.com or on our family life app this family life today, so you've probably done hundreds if not thousands of weddings you thousands feel like thousands of dollars every single time I feel like when you come home same thing. You know what I'm to say yeah I say love to say this at the wedding, but I've never do another wedding.
If I said what I really think it's like this. You really got this couple and their so in love and are so excited and you want to say there could come a day where you scream at your husband and say the biggest mistake my life was murder and you like my wife said 617 or what I want to say selected reality what you feel right now is going to drift or it will go away time or at a wedding.
Would you say that now it's gonna be awesome. This could be wonderful but we all know the reality is it's going really strong and it's hard yeah. So we got a couple in the studio today.
The road of block about that struggle right IV I and by the way, he's a pastors while Kevin and his wife Marcia Myers from Atlanta Georgia was to write exactly 12 stone church.
I'm guessing you done hundreds if not almost thousands of weddings. It feels like it is usual to say. We love the love their display and we walk away say this is going to be awesome watching them crash very like a flower bed. But the truth is ever said that in wedding, known as the as the officiant know and we can believe about ours either can't be give me everything you saw, but let's introduce you little bit you been married 40 years.
We are hitting 39 right on the cusp of for decades kids for right and for grandkids so they are amazing. They are fun. I have worked in life.
Well, walk on the farm life today. I'm really glad to have you here, you were honored, thinking, and you've written a book called the second happy seven practices to make your marriage better than your honeymoon, and as I read through it. I mean you really get into what we just talked about how and in and is as a pastor I'm sure you noticed thousands and thousands of of weddings and marriages start well do they all struggle do you think they all hit it may not be a big struggle but some kind of struggle we almost overstated it by saying if you're in the 1% who somehow has escaped the thought after the honeymoon experience of this fading and wondering if this was not one of the biggest mistakes of your life. If you're the one percent. We literally wrote the book, then just give this book to somebody on the 99% of us go somewhere deep in the darknet of our soul are very aware that we probably made a huge mistake three months and six months, and even two years in and that's that's the norm.
I think it helps people to hear that because they don't believe it right because the love and that's awesome you, but eventually it hits every thought about you guys did that happen to you. Yeah I would say definitely just almost right away. We kind of but heads I'm a little stubborn and he's very forceful. While I don't know if in the book, or an all in the last couple of months, and forceful Marseilles origami people. I think you get a good conversation. After this interview about that.
Seriously what you mean forceful and well forceful. He knows what he wants. He knows what's right in his own mind and your neck in a change that Q he's a leader. Yes, definitely. And he cannot talk you, or at least he cannot talk to me and me. My defense is stubbornness no matter what you say, no matter how much sense you make. I'm still going to dig my heels and sat down yeah okay so I'm back that you'll set down. I'm not going right. Yeah yeah more of a passive aggressive frightened of a stance. So what happened to me that it was a crisis point or just the way it just sort of drifted or what will. That's how I discovered she was stubborn. I met this incredibly delightful, godly, awesome, beautiful woman, highly talented and gifted, and then I got married and discovered that she's nicer to everybody than she is. Me enough.
Later I can own some of this you remember one of the crisis. So were in ministry which means we have to be hospitable. So were the church by being more the extrovert. Her being more the introvert, we would literally be at the church and I'm meeting people I said hey watch, yeah, I don't mean later. Why don't you follow us to the house, so don't be so hopeful around you little kid.
No, not at that point, we see no… I demonstrated a great art of serving and loving kindness as a pastor toward my wife was awesome. Meanwhile in my head.
It's like we talked, we don't have any food. I remember laying things on the floor and there still sitting there like no matter what's wrong with you were supposed to be hospitable, so I would use Scripture in the know until another weight he's manipulating while you know why she knows these two so well yesterday and I've been there lived your life or conflict with that.
But the question is did he get deep mean, that's a fight.
Maybe. But they do get every week we got to the point where it was.
We don't want to be together. We were full of only got what you told you we are at the grocery where is it's like a culmination because we don't remember exactly what we were fighting, but we were like getting groceries they were here two years and we just started fighting in the grocery store and say that's my pastor over there is why we we made a scene of the intersection. We are too far from our house, so he just left and finished getting the groceries and getting them home so you can walk home. You know I locked home I just walked out the store. Walked home and literally.
I sat at the door at home and I said I never understood why my parents divorced they were Christians: quote and how could you not make it work. If you know Jesus I'm sitting at home were pastoring for two years and I got to choose my wife. I said no I know because I think I could be without her. I think I could be divorced.
Did you say that to her. I said that to me.
I don't think I said it to you I you I do know that I truly do.
That way we were on the rough road from none forward and I think so many listeners are hearing this thinking yes we have been semi-thinking and we don't know how to get out. I like that working to talk about that today and how you guys got out of that we've talked about it.
This is a very very thing we talk about at the we can remember in speaking for that conference for over 30 years, you know, there's this drift, you're either headed toward one.
This is what we say or you drift toward isolation tell you when you go there and you start hearing us talk about that. You're like, or live in, but by the end of the week and were like, we can help you get out. We can show you the path, the one that so here's the thing. If you listen right now you can set up for we can remember it will probably be in your city if you sign up right now for life today.com you get half off that night. It ends on Sunday right around noon. I'm telling you God literally saves marriages go to family life today.com sign up right now and watch God take you on a path to oneness will keep listening because Kevin and Marcia are going to help us learn how we can get it out of that right yet Marcia did you feel the same thing Kevin was feeling like I yeah he's forceful, forceful, which creates highs and lows in his personality so I more study and so my thought was, this is in good you know it was probably half the intensity of but for me definitely the that final thought was I don't want to get a divorce but I don't. I don't know where to go next.
Stand like that would be where we would end up if we keep going on this path. I think I was at the point that same kind of thing where I was losing hope. Yeah it could be good again. That is so defining yeah because I realize if we divorce I'm out of ministry.
I forfeit my calling.
I don't know how to integrate who God said he is with all his promises and grace in our life. So were just going to settle for misery. Yeah, I think a lot of marriages settle for misery need to endure it. They do and some of what we have kids will endure it for our kids and by the other end. It's one of the reasons I think there is a huge drop-off when you become empty Nestor, and the like. Your kids are the reason you stayed in to some degree, and so so many get divorced as their kid when I flailed devastating even for their adult hello yeah yeah I was going to their high school. Even they lost the love a long time ago are now just mechanically in the motions and it's a very disappointing life similar thing that we wait it out, so your you're there, though it two years.
This is early to gift right everybody could do that tomorrow.
Still at our honeymoon at two years. But you are like oh boy this so you got talk.
How do you get out. I know some of it may be relates to the zones you talk about your boat touches a great way to explain this but is that what happened you get the aid to be you can you can talk about it. I don't know what I don't know your zones. I buy play zone defense but is not too dissimilar. Dave, we didn't know this back in the day so I will talk from today's experience of a development but we think that you have to break the quick cycle. That's the first chapters, what we talk about Brian and what we mean is everything in life.
Every endeavor, every relationship, every project, every job doesn't matter what it is every pursuit everything you buy it goes through three zones a zone B zone sees so the a zone is full of promise. That's the Hyman face.
That's when everything is awesome. That's the new car that's the first day of school. That's the first day of the job. That's when you get married that everything is beautiful. You know that is a Detroit training camp. Yes everybody thanks Allianz. This is the year that you have to believe that or you don't. You don't have the grit right to engage. You have to have hope. On the other side. You have to believe something is possible, so the a zone, is familiar to all of us yeah but then of course every agent gives way to the B zone and the B zone is full of problems. This is not transforming BP want to take notes. All were just putting roads to familiar experience. Most people didn't expect to happen in their marriage yeah and so the B zone is full of problems and you live in those problems long enough and you start losing hope that we pause right there. We just put the bottom and you tend to want to accuse him you want to quit. And if we want to talk about that more here.
Together we can put you guys were there little bit like take to the grocery store you flopped home and Marcia you're like oh I'm to drive home without hand raised, left, right, so many couples are there to help people quit on little things before they quit on the things so we might not have quit on marriage but we quit on the things that would build a marriage in that fight in the store.
I quit honoring her in the hospitality and fight somebody over to the house.
I started with my perspective rather than hers. I couldn't hear her. I thought what what what kind of pastor's wife is this Kim didn't realize she was actually caring about people. We didn't have food.
The house wasn't ready. We were doing a good job caring for people. If you can get to the other side.
The people quit on these things and so you end up in the cycle of a zone B zone Q zone and then people chase a zones so they have a life of shortcut and you do that long enough, meaning they just want to get back to you that you can shaming a zones yeah yeah so people and relationships people and careers they and educational pursuits.
They fill in the blank. The problems are too much for them to endure the hill climb is too demanding, so you can write most miscues on small things usually start all over again in another relationship or another career or another you know and it makes him feel good again and think, oh, this will be better.
This is going to work and often you do that while you're still in the B zone of the first relationship where or on I done this you have done this year in your car you love it. It's awesome when you got it and then you see another cargo liner like the car really want you do that relationship she do that with churches you do that quantitatively did it because I'm thinking were in the B zone and a troubled marriage and so what why do I put my life into my kids feels great report that there feeling me up and your pouring you can be a zone of your career like I'm building this church.
This is amazing I'm getting applauded and accolades from my congregation more than at home. So I think you're right we escape into other things that will fill us up and it doesn't occur to us and that the B zone requires B zone muscle.
There is a muscle required to grind through something to get to a C zone. That's full of payoffs and everybody wants the hope fulfilled, but to get there, has a cost of endurance, demand, and so for us, which is had to figure out in marriage. What is it look like for us to exercise B zone muscle in the midst of problems and to care enough to get beyond quitting so that this marriage has hope and possibility. In other words you talk about the vow humming marriages of you done hundreds, maybe thousands, that vow was easy to say B zone muscle is making good on that file. You know when you're up there as the pastor at the wedding in your setting up the vows Elise. I think this I'm looking out the congregation or the you know the wedding families and friends thinking many of them are gone at the bow scooter like you, we said those they have no idea what they're saying and they know they have no idea how hard the B zones can be to keep them one day remember where one wedding and they decided to continue with the files and add their own and sell this guys that they are just all he's flowering with his speeches. I now every day I walk in the house.
I will kiss you and hug you and notice you.
I vow I mean he was getting so specific I'm like literally I was doing that what it was in our church. So in our chapel and I literally had to hold myself from like snickering out loud, which is help them and how terrible is that that would be the worst there but it was such a reality check like you have no idea what you're saying right now. This can be so hard this so talk a little bit about that be muscle yeah how do you develop that list to the bagel story.
Sometimes you have a story that marks your marriage resets it and you need a picture so this because you got the hassle for the freezer in the grocery store and I get bagels for as soon as I said oh yeah I will get advice and this is just we would work out together. On the way to the workout club early in the morning we would stop at the bagel shop and so are you working out that you have a reason workout so we'd split this little ham and egg kind of bagel thing and then this cinnamon bagel with this. What was it Allman smear that's that's way too much for one person in the work. Also we have a cut in half. So when we order. We just say please cut that half now baby and the husband love my wife here serve you wash your feet biblical concept. So when the caller name Myers I go up to the counter because I want to serve from you to get at the problems I get to the counter. I have a dilemma immediately because I look down at the cinnamon sugar bagel with honey Allman smear and they cut it in half and nobody can cut it in half properly.
Now, one is always bigger than the other horse here. It's got more cinnamon.
I immediately noticed that one half is better than the other trauma in a dilemma between the counter and the table on the place one on her plate which half do I give her is driving me nuts because I'm immediately aware that I want the better half the bagel in my marriage vow is giving her the better half the bagel and that became a defining illustration for us of what it meant for at least me for me to love my wife have to give her the better half the bagel and when I don't. I'm quitting yeah it's great that small. It's always that small. Let's the larger half of the bagel for you Marsha. Are there times that youth.like I need to do this and it's difficult that I'm choosing to have that must definitely I can give one example of he had this pullover. It was like 1/2 zip and he loved – that pullover for a lot almost to the point that I wouldn't mind it. It getting lost 5C we spoke he he did lose it, and he was so upset and we looked everywhere for this half zip shirt and like I said, for me it was more like well you know you but I knew he loved it. He had gotten as a gift from conference that he had been at so what I did was I went to the people who did the conference and asked if they had more and secretly bought him a couple more and sell.
I'm not one to make a lot of efforts but I thought you know that I would and I knew he loved it and so that's what I did. That's good because it's a great example of needing necessarily love that he'd been wearing this out, but you are choosing is an active year will to do something that would serve an exactly that you would really appreciate how I do this talk to the couple that's in the B zone and they are seriously considering quitting.
Like right now mentor listener like okay this is deep.
I'm really discouraged a been there for weeks or months or maybe years thinking liquid. I can't even imagine a C zone where we could we could be happy again.
The second happy will you say no less a couple things. First of all front of our son Max hold has said everything worthwhile is uphill. So just got embraced the weight of that truth. You want worthwhile things you want to marriage that works. Secondly, you're not alone just by virtue of this conversation Dave that you and Ann are having with us is to remind people you're not alone on this journey. Many have hit that place of wanting to quit and have moved on so you're not alone. Third, because you're not alone, and others have one borrowed their hope these principles and practices and what you are teaching people help people wake up to. There are steps and process you're not gonna win in a week, but if you'll do the right things.
Next week you get a better second week and you do that again you get a better third week and you wake up to falling back in love.
You find a second happy that you lost. After the honeymoon is doable for so many people. The goal of a rich, mutually satisfying, happy marriage. It's what almost long for the question is do we know how the get there and I think it's in the discouragement of not knowing how to get there. A lot of couples just give up hope and what Kevin and Marcia Meyers have been talking about today with Dave and Ann Wilson is that there is a second happy that is available to all couples. They can point themselves in the right direction.
Get the help they need. It's there for you.
In fact, Kevin and Marcia have written a book called the second happy seven practices to make your marriage better than your honeymoon. It's a book we got in our family life today resource Center you can order a copy from a Solomonic family life today.com or call one 800 FL today and then let me also mention the weekend.
Remember marriage getaway for couples for more than four decades, there have been hundreds of thousands of couples who have come to these weekend getaways and found the help and the hope they're looking for in their marriage wherever you are in your marriage. Maybe you're in a good marriage and you just wanted to be better or maybe you're hurting marriage and you're looking for help. The weekend to remember will walk you through a process to help align your marriage with God's design and help point you in the right direction as a couple. Right now we have a special offer for family life today listers you can register for an upcoming weekend to remember marriage getaway and save 50% off the regular registration fee. We've got several dozen of these events happening this spring in cities all around the country go to our website. Family life today.com there's a link there with information about where and when these getaways are being hosted in a city near where you live. You can also register online this week and save 50% off the regular registration fee or if you have a questions we can answer for you. Call us at one 800 FL today again register online@familylifetoday.com call with any questions. 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today.
Plan to join us this spring at one of our upcoming weekend to remember marriage getaways tomorrow to talk about how important it is for couples to know how to fight fair priming conflict is going to happen in every marriage. We have to learn how to do is how to manage conflict in a way that honors one another and gets us to some kind of healthy resolution. Dave and Ann Wilson will talk with Kevin and Marcia Meyers about that tomorrow. Hope you can join us on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most