Having “The Talk” With Teens

So grown up in church tonight and go every week with my mom made me go when I went over the years.

I can never remember anything being said from the pastor church about sex except bad stuff like you scared you. I honestly do not remember ever hearing anything but it's something you don't do until you get married, which is good message obviously but I don't remember ever hearing a positive message about sex. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most kind and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today.

The only thing that I heard from my mom with that I don't do anything until you're married. I never wanted to do anything. I didn't even want to go on my honeymoon thinking is that 1415-year-old like I don't think that's can be me because I arty have that desire. What's wrong with me, whether from your prayers from the church or whatever it's like, okay, what is God's perspective on sex and it's actually unbelievably good. He created. It's amazing thing and so will talk about that because as parents we need to build a communicate that to our kids as well as the dangers, but we we air on danger danger danger way don't do this because the Bible says this and this will happen, but you're right, we seldom talk about the goodness of God in this great gift as we know this today that God wants married Christians to have sex and we got Dr. Beth with this back again. Dr. letting Scott, thank you for your back on family life today. Welcome back, and we're glad you're here in your book is called talking with teens about sexuality so obviously you know you as a college professor and a therapist and you as a PhD in biblical studies, while blend by the way mother's yeah and you got kids so you had to navigate. You know walking through this foster kids as well and as we said your teaching freshman in college. I'm guessing there's a lot of questions about this topic right yeah just a few little bit so we Verdes discuss a little bit about the dangers that they're going on in teenage brain things to stay away from ways have conversations.

Let's talk today about the good talk about God's perspective on sexuality. What do we say to our kids.

What you said your college freshman.

What are the goods that we don't hear enough of that.

We should be sharing with her our teens.

My mother inadvertently sent a very different message. I don't know that she really realized what a strong message she sent my parents were under a lot of stress when I was a teenager. They were caregiving for my grandparents. They we literally built a house across the street from us and move my grandparents or my granddad was paralyzed and we were caregiving him during my junior high and high school years and so there was a lot of stress you know what that's why you're such a caregiver that probably is you did as a young woman is having what you do now as it was such a beautiful thing. Watch what you doing to their once you started your early as my parents but my mother and at the time I was kind of embarrassed about the conversation that my mother had a conversation with me when I was a teenager and the think that she communicated to me was that the sexual relationship. She and my dad had held the marriage together.

When the times were tough and not man that is powerful because I saw the arguing that it was such a strong message and my mother didn't really communicated about in any way that was suggested that this is really the message I want you to have it just kind of it.

Mom and her comment she made in the middle of something back with me, 16 or 17 and I thought man that has got to be powerfully good because I have seen the struggle and my parents really came from very different places. Wonderful Christian people, great parents. I would say their marriage struggled during raising kids and teen years. I think a lot of people still get all yeah kind so I can with that background, and then I come in and I read in Genesis where it says we are created in the image of God. I keep rereading the ongoing okay all the sexuality stuff. I guess he kinda knew about yeah yeah so a lot of times when I'm doing seminars and talking to parents, teens all divide the parents, teens up at the teens together. The parents together so the answer different questions but one of the things I like to say is you not I read this in Genesis.

It's all read this I think so. We all agree were sexual beings and help raise her hand and say yes and that opens up the conversation where it's okay to mention sexuality when were in a church because God created us to be sexual and sex is a way of connecting that is stronger than anything else. I mean the biological research about six is how strong a bond it creates. That is literally almost on breakable biologically, we don't talk to our kids about that. We don't say God created this thing because he knows marriage is good to be hard and I have shared with you guys yet. My theory of marriage. Those are all of my college.

She's probably glad I shared as a single person. My theory of marriage. Marriage is the vomit theory.

The what he tells you.

Teaching kids are okay, I've narrowed down what I think has to exist in somebody. I'm looking for for marriage partner.

Okay, you know, in her 20s you're looking for certain things, 30s, 40s, I'm in my 50s now okay all I want is somebody who would be there if you been through chemo in your puke in your guts, and they're gonna be there with you in the bathroom holding you and make sure everything's up and saw side of my students save there's that and I said and the bond that happens or somebody who can't stand to be around vomit will stay with you is the bond that is created by sexuality and God created it to be this huge strong bond that will hold a relationship together and how we focus on is all the doubts not the dues. Part of me thinks you know when when you said that so often our perspective on sexuality has been the negative. Like I said Roman church and never heard of positives always careful. It felt dirty you know and I know that probably wasn't what he wanted to come out like but that's what you felt. So when you say that my first response is 01.

How may people think. Oh, and it should be. That's a beautiful perspective essay sexuality is a beautiful thing God created one of the most intimate beautiful experiences a person can ever have on the planet. That's a beautiful perspective rather than the opposite. But Dave, this shows you that there is an incredible battle going on for this area.

In my opinion of true battle because you see the beauty of that and then you see how it's been twisted and warped and there's abusers, trafficking, and there's an abuse well lit pain. You've talked about this a little bit talk about that battle is waging. Yes, we think that the resources we have only those things in hand with the things of the world can provide are that our logic or experience can provide that in second Corinthians 10 325 it says that we don't wage battle. The way the world us because we have different kind of weapons and these are weapons that have divine power to demolish strongholds and strongholds are those things that exist in our minds that have to be battled against and he also mentions arguments and pretensions and so an argument is where you have two strong points of view and we have tools from God, divine tools that have power beyond our own selves to be able to go in and to demolish these arguments and to discern which is right and which is wrong and so it's always a mistake.

I think to think that were on our own. In this new mention prayer that and and another thing that Beth and I both emphasize is memorizing Scripture there is something about the word of God its inherent power that when you memorize it, and it becomes part of your mind and your soul. It really does change you. And it does change circumstances. So all of those things are part of those weapons that God has given us that are not our own weapons and they're not logic and they're not any resources that we have otherwise. So I think it's really easy. I know you. We've all experiences that think that the war were battling over the battle is against the person we often think it's her spouse when family life.

We have a marriage getaway we call the weekend to remember in one of the points that we make. We actually often will say to the couple sit there turn your spouse right now and so you are not my enemy.

And it's funny when I'm on stage, saying that most of the room will do that there some looking at me like you don't realize she is turned like you don't know our marriage is but you know your remind him of these six now there is an enemy and he's trying to destroy your marriage in your foxhole and he shooting at you and your turned toward your partner in a foxhole when he's there.

And as were talking here that enemy, Satan will use this area of sexual understanding, confusion, temptation, porn, you name it. I'm not blaming everything on the devil but is he involved in this.

Oh yeah because when we talk about sexuality at our conferences or at the we can remember I'm always somewhat shocked the number people come up want to talk about their sex life or their marriage and it's usually pain yeah they'll usually come as a man. It's one of the best things are marriages brought us closer like your sooner earlier.

It's painted on their forget when and I first went to the we can remember we been speakers for now over 30 years, but this was our first going to the conference engaged we were married. So two weeks from this weekend were getting married, and that's the first time I ever heard that truth you, your spouse is not your enemy fusion six-year waging war against spiritual forces in the heavenly realms in what was it we got married two weeks later, six months later we are in Wyoming at her uncles right near uncles place just for a little vacation and her uncle and aunt were gone. We were in the house and we get in a fight in the bedroom and I'm over I got up and was so mad I walked out the bedroom and start stomping down the hall and she yells at me. Yeah, what DO I said I'm not so Megan is going down the hall because you just reminded me of a truth that we had heard no and I'm like mad. She's right.

You know what here's what nobody knew, and she did me know at that moment two hours before that fight. I never got out of bed and they were all gone. I am in a house. I don't know. I went downstairs and walk around and I go over the bookcase and there's pornography and print Playboy, else whatever it was I pulled and I stumble that I looked two hours later I'm in a fight with my wife. You don't think there was an enemy not blaming Satan that was a bad choice that I made. But to step back and look and go there was a war going on behind the curtain. I didn't even realize I was in the middle of in together and remind me know were together were were a team here, let's turn and fight him, but the sexuality part was a part of that little bag gave them a foothold yes yes in Scripture. The Scripture says so how do we keep ourselves even as adults and as parents in our homes keep coming back with our kids keep teaching the good the beautiful, how do we stay there because it's so easy to end up in the sewer. You know, in the darkness rather than the deposit on a wire smiling but that cause you to smile. Read the song of Solomon allowed well I just I think about. I'm not sure that Satan doesn't have a huge fed hall with our culture.

Yeah, I mean our kids are just so inundated with sexuality.

How can you not come back to it all the time.

I mean if you're just living in the world are living in. There are ways we can restrict it.

I mean, we do have more parents are homeschooling and doing things like that to protect their children and anti-have more influence on their children to bet we have got to be so intentional about it and so willing to talk about it and I do think parents have work today. Yeah, sexuality is so holy exactly. But when you have sexual abuse when things had been done to you that have harmed you that doesn't seem like a holy thing know it doesn't. And you know when you look at we've got generations of people who have been hurt yes they can't talk about sexuality without it bringing hurt.

That's where we have lost our way in the church than the church's global denominational Christian we don't speak to this, we remain way to assignment and I do think that we have to be able to talk about it and say it is holy and we should look at it that way there shouldn't be girls who are coming to see me in my office at LC you who have gotten married who have been told no, you're supposed to say no to sex that is sex. Then they get married and the husband wants to have sex all the time and all they hear is no no no and they come in feeling shameful degraded because they don't have a good biblical view of sexuality. I'll be honest, a lot of times I have bring in their marriage license and I change it and I make a license to have sex regularly sure our listeners understand we do want to tell them to wait yes no is still the right answer to. Should I have sex before marriage. No godsend. I want something better for you. It is to be in a covenant called marriage for so what's your message be besides just waiter no well I think our problem has been our only message has been white or no and we haven't gone ahead and said you know this is a beautiful connection that you will share with your spouse. There is nothing else like it is. So I love that you mentioned the Celtic and ask yourselves. There's nothing else like that and it is holy and God does know about it okay and it may not be great at first, and it could take time to get to know each other will continue to get better acting so often in the past and we are at fault in the steel saying if you obey and say no. Then when you get married, it's can it be amazing to see all these people are coming back think now it has not been easy because I still here that no direct message on Instagram this week so may reach out and we love that the people can reach out and we can help in any way we can.

And they said I feel like I wasted my virginity because I waited and now I'm married and it's not anything like we were promised and they were not what they were talking about the bedroom as much as anything else and that was her comment.

And of course our responses.

Guess what this is one of the hardest areas of a marriage to really cultivate, but you want to cultivate it with your spouse, especially so many of us come in with wounds today. Yes well and I think that we should be providing resources so we and our teens get to the point, or young adults were there getting married. We should be providing them resources that prepare them for that. Not it's gonna be great. Yeah, there are lots of resources that are available and I think that all of that is realistic.

I have so many women coming to me now that are married that are saying. My husband isn't interested in the physical intimacy and I thought he would be if you like. I'm the one that's pursuing him. Is there something wrong with me. There's been porn involved in the past and I think she still struggling.

Are you saying that that is something that people are struggling with today.

I would say huge numbers more than we've ever seen men and women we write the book about how men tend to be more visual. Women tend to read the sex stories and stuff for romance novels and I think that makes it so idealized that people are willing to commit in a relationship to really develop a healthy sexual relationship with a partner and after talking were talking the positives today. How are we talking to our kids, our sons and daughters about the effects of porn I talk really openly.

I've had more boys and girls live in my home and I'll save the boys. That's not how it is that built up an ideal is something that it's really not. And it's not about all that physical.

It's really much more emotional and spiritual than we give it credit for. So that's not have to be at all and I think we have to be that honest about it and talk about how that's not what it's like to talk about that I know would just have a few minutes left.

But what would you say to the shame that men and women carry because they made mistakes in this area.

Whether be porn or maybe something's been done to them abuse wise that they carry and feel like they can't get free of concerts sexual shame and guilt that's heavy that couples come up to us when you can feel it there living in it even though it's may be years or decades since they made decisions or things happen to them, but they're still living in it because it's so sacred and soulless in nature.

It's something that's hard to shake. Even if you understand forgiveness of God. I was just thinking about what Paul said and that's a hard teaching that he said that every sin that a man commits is a typist sent a sexual sin is particularly destructive, and it is true that it's destructive. The people that feel that pain is not imaginary it's not there cooking up in their brains are not hyper guilty individuals that sexual sin has a way of damaging in ways that others and doesn't. According to Paul, so we need to take him at his word, but also we serve a God who is a God of second chances and resurrections, and when he says he takes our sins and throws him into the depths of the ocean. That means there's no diver they can get out when he says that he puts things out of his mind and he remembers them no more. That means that we can take his representation of our sins over our own, and in those darkest hours of our night when we are counting up our own sins.

We serve a God who says I don't even remember those and that's a great comfort to me. I think there's something also very powerful about having a trustworthy partner that you can share openly that vulnerability. That sense of shame having them be able to look in your eyes hold your hand and some the things that you can even say there there. Yeah, and they're able to know and love you and see he was whole. I think there's a lot of healing to that, I agree a thousand percent. I've always said if you really want to see go change your life being very simplistic here. There's many more things that I was a need to. Thanks the power of God.

The people got you got have the power God and we sort of think that's all I need in a sense it is, but he builds us in such a way, we need other humans that we can trust that we can be saved with and even if you listen now you've got something in the dark. You've never said to a friend a trusted friend. This could be the day to take a step toward freedom you've Artie told God. I'm guessing you asked for his forgiveness, and he's given it by the way, but to tell a friend maybe your spouse or if your man tell another buddy or if your woman tell a woman that is the beginning of healing. I can remember sharing with our high schoolers about my sexual abuse. They were old enough to handle it at that point and then just sharing with them because I think they thought I was little hyper vigilant about abuse or anything of you and that could cause them any kind of harm, and remember sharing with them feeling that Jesus has set me free from the scene, but there is also something really powerful and intimate about this is why I'm so vigilant of you guys knowing God's beautiful plan for sexuality because he loves us so much he longs for us to experience all the best that he has that by sharing my story. I felt this freedom.

Like I don't want there to be separation between us and I said it in appropriate ways, but I think there is something about freedom that comes from being able to tell another person. This is what I've been through. Then there's this incredible miraculous resurrection of one, but Jesus has set me free. And maybe not completely done with the healing that he continues to heal God's good gift of sexuality is something that can be a source of profound blessing in our lives when we use it according to God's design. It can also be a source of profound pain and scarring in our lives when we don't follow God's pattern. This is why this is such an important subject for us to be talking openly and honestly with our teenagers to help them avoid the pitfalls and avoid the scars at the same time to help prepare them for the great blessing that sexuality can be a marriage relationship with Scott and Beth Robinson's book talking with teens about sexuality is a guidebook it's a roadmap for us as parents to know how to talk about things like gender identity, pornography, purity, dating same sex attraction social media all of the subjects that are confronting our teens related to the usual sexuality. This is a book we got available in our family life today resource Center you can order it from us online@familylifetoa.com or you can call one 800 FL today to get a copy of the book talking with teens about sexuality. Again, our website family life to a.com or call to order at one 800 FL today, 1-800-358-6329 and by the way, if you're not familiar with the resource family life is developed as a getaway weekend for parents and teens to talk about these issues of gender and sexuality. Check out passport to purity. There's information about it on the website of family life to.com as well.

You may want to make plans now for you and your son or daughter to get away for a couple of days and have these important conversations. If that's the case, this resource would be a great tool to help you in the process. Now I know a lot of us are looking at this new year with expectancy and with hope, 20, 22, we pray it's gonna be a great year for you and your family were praying. It will be a great year here at family life and were very encouraged. As we head into this new year because over the last couple of weeks we've heard from many of you who knew that we had a matching gift offer that had been extended and that motivated many of you to give sacrificially in December and we are grateful for that.

We want to acknowledge that and say thank you for your ongoing support of this ministry.

We still don't have the final numbers tallied yet from your and giving effect were still getting mail that was mailed to us in the last week of December so we still got some work in front of us and I can't report to you on the final results of the matching gift, but I can tell you just how grateful we are for your participation in that so many of you reached out and said thank you and cheered us on for 2022. We are looking forward to a great year and many of you are helping to make that happen. So thank you for your support at your end. And thank you for your ongoing support truck 2022. We are grateful for not only our listeners but especially for those of you who are partners with us here in the ministry of family life and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when working to talk about the challenges that can come with blending a family when you have older adult children. I mean, you would think with adult kids. It's gonna be okay and you'd be surprised what you will be surprised as we hear from Terry and Carol Moss and their two adult children tomorrow run deal will be here with us as well.

I hope you can tune in for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. We will see you back next time for another edition of family life family like to the production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most