Parenting and God’s Love For Me

I believe that we can live our kids while if we don't believe I loved ourselves anything is a depressed say oh yeah, I know God loves me you truly believe that in the day in and day out. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find this a very real life today.com or on our family life is his family life today. I can remember when we had two teenagers in the house. The other one was invited but I can't remember. There is his atmosphere with the boys and I felt like talking like they're irritated with me a lot and they were with me at times teenage thing or I was doing something and so we sat down at the dinner table one night and I said, guys, I would like to really just have to be truthful with me and tell me is there anything I'm doing that's really bugging you right now and down the oldest one is very truthful. He said will yeah there are some things that you're doing that are bugging me Mike oh okay. Like let's let's hear it and he said I think it's so irritating that you're constantly telling me when to go to bed at night he was 15 or 16. He said here on me all the time like is your homework done DE need to get to bed. You have a customer or you have practiced my need to go to bed. He said I think I'm old enough that I should be able to determine that myself and I said okay that's legitimate like you're right you're old enough that you can make those choices.

What else any set think it's the dumbest rule that girls can't be here with me alone when you and dad are gone. I said okay will. That's not change his talk about it, you know, and so I think that's a great thing to do once in a while it just to talk to your kids about what's going on.

I feel tension between us and you know obviously well her decision to is parent is awesome. It's wonderful. It's really really hard conversations like that of the toddler stage, you name it, analyzing yourself I can make doing this right don't know that I needed help so we got open the studio today with Chris up and she's back with us again your book all love centered parenting so really glad to have you back. Welcome back to family today. Thank you so much for having me back. The subtitle of Crystal's book is the no fail guide to launching your kids which everybody wants a no fill God it over. I think many people know you as the money-saving mom right as I was as my Savior mumbling, but you've written a book called moneymaking mom makes the money for Dave's sedated by that which is which is also near New York Times best-selling author, so importantly, mom of four kids and you're fostering one right now. Yes your oldest is 16. Your youngest is one that we are doing it girl likely you get time to write not only your mom, wife in children but you foster kids in their small way to go.is just so faithful and that's something I think with saying yes with writing this book.

This was a yes to God's call.

I didn't want to write this book. I really honestly thought writing. They say he said I'm done writing.

Yes, in 2015.

The book they keep talking about moneymaking mom came out and I said I'm done.

This is too much for me to be writing and running a business and having family and so I just said that it's that the writing aside for a few years and actually 2016, I declared my year of rest and I said no to almost everything that was not an essential thing in my life and I just did a bunch of work in my heart in that year and then just really change my perspective on so many things that year and so then whenever the opportunity for this book came around I was one of the things that you know you're supposed to say yes, but you're coming off of the whole laundry list of reasons why this is a good time.

Are you sure I'm sure God you called somebody else to it, but after a lot of prayer we just really felt like yes this is what God is called our whole family to because it is not just about me writing this book. It was a whole family being willing for me to share their stories. Like the kids being willing for me to share their stories and has been being willing from here to have to pick up the slack because the writing and launching a book is a lot of work but still faithful. Like I told you earlier about writing this book and little snippets of time. We had just brought home a newborn from the hospital that we are fostering in the four weeks later I had a baby and to add these two little newborns in the middle of the pandemic. And so we were home a lot which is great to come over on my lap and I'll give you a… I was like okay got. Here's what I have, to offer you these little 15 minutes snippets of time, often in the middle of the night and that's when this book was written and so I can't take any credit for any success of the book. It's all God.

But how he still faithful when you step out and say yes to something that is calling you to and he takes her five loaves and two fish and he just expands it far beyond what you can never trade is a great way to say that we've already covered this week. The story of as the book opens up that you are so honest but the you know you know it was a child who suicidally unopened in ER and then counseling is a world we've already bed as you realize that even through that whole thing that you are sort of parenting based on what people thought of you, reputation, and then you have a transformation that takes place not in a day. But over time to's love centered receipts are your book parenting. What is love centered parenting we know it reputation center.

We've all done it but what's love centered.

So for me it really had to go back to understanding how much I loved by God, because I don't believe that we can love our kids while if we don't believe I loved ourselves and anything as he expressed say oh yeah, I know God loves me but do you truly believe that in the day in and day out when something happens where you've made a mistake. What are your first words to yourself such a failure. I'm always failing. Are you constantly saying things to yourself that are derogatory that are putting yourself down, that are not what God says about you and I realize that I carried around these guys. That's what they are, that I believed that not being good enough that I was a failure that I was a disappointment to those closest to me and I carry those around in those became my labels that I wore my lead with and so in every situation.

When I would walk into a room or how it was parenting or in my marriage or in relationships or in my business was all about letting those lies. Cloud the way that I live and I wasn't living and slapped. I think it's really I think this plan is huge to come to an understanding and even a realization and thinking through what do I think what is my self talk. I gave a talk to women one time because I realized I wasn't the only one that was having this negative like should have done that. You're a failure or your Don or your dad, mom and I took the sticky notes and I just wrote these derogatory words and I stuck them all over myself and I said I really didn't realize that this is what I'm thinking all day long and other moms were saying need to. How did you realize this is what was happening in your mind what really goes back to when the therapist said to me. I think at times hard to fix your child, what would it look like to walk with them instead and I dug into where that was coming from and I realized it was I was chasing after affirmation from other people and even from God because I felt like I wasn't and that was rooted in the fact that I didn't believe that I was truly love and I was listening to a podcast is the trim healthy mama podcast.

They had a guest on and she was talking about this negative self talk and she said that the question she started asking herself was how would loved me live.

How would loved me and just PLE hit me because I knew in that moment. As I was hearing that believe truly to the depths myself and I'm left I can say it, but in my everyday life I'm living I'm not living from that and so how would it change the way that I walk into a room that I interact with other people die.

If I believed that I am truly and wholeheartedly loved by the creator of the universe because I and what does God say that he says I'm redeemed I'm chosen and beautiful and forgiving love. If I can camp in that I don't have to be trying to get that from other people and so it completely changes the way that I parent because then I can just rest in God's love for me and let his love flow out for me to my kids incident if they've made a mistake. I don't have to be thinking what is some soaking me thinking or playing it out in fear of how this mistake is going to affect them in the future or Pete frustrated with him because this mistake is going to really mess things up in our life like I talked about so much a way that we parent is rooted in our pride and her fear in her selfishness back. I can chest love them in that moment because of how much I am left, and I can let God's love flow through me to that child, and it really changes the way I approach my child because I'm approaching them from this posture of knowing how much I'm left resting and not love and then loving them right by that. So walk us through that process, I'm guessing that you didn't read a couple verses one night and like all I am love, how did you replace the lies, and I'm guessing it took a while.

Ted was deftly process and I would say is a two-year process of one realizing that I was believing.

His eyes could you first have to recognize that I had to replace them. And so it was this actual process of I would hear something in my head. A lot of times I'm doing my makeup or my hair in the morning and I be thinking back and psychoanalyzing you know some conversation I'd had, or something that happened out here that failure. You really messed that up and call out first if I'm believing that maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I need to own something that doesn't mean I am a mistake. Maybe I did fail in something that doesn't mean that in a failure and so calling out the lie same battle I would literally verbally say that a lot might sound cheesy, but I think claiming that and so that I am basically saying no, that does not have power over me. That's a lie and then what is the truth. So let's say that I had responded in anger towards my child the day before and about a situation and then I'm the next morning. I'm thinking about it and I'm psyched just say Eileen as a mom know that's a lie. What is the truth. Well, yesterday I got angry at my child and I need to go back and asked forgiveness. But that doesn't change the fact that I am loved by my creator. He loves me so much and I can trust him that he has given me everything that I need to love my child well to walk with my child while I am not failing as a parent and Simon got asked me child forgiveness and ask God to forgive me and I'm going to rest and how much time left by him and so it was a two-year process of recognizing the lies calling out a lie and then replacing it with the truth possesses every mom. So to do this because as I hear you talker so my governor answered a similar thing.

Even your chapter but mom guild in our book in then our sons wrote in our book, which is really critical and you are soon yeah I know mom used to feel so bad it really wasn't that bad but does underwrite them apology note after I apologized because I was still burdened with this guilt and shame say that guys and men in dead zone experiences. We do but then hearing you to talk.

It's like wow this is a common thing that happens for mom's. I think it is common as you are saying that I thought I thought of all the moms I feel like their lawyers. I mean moms have so much we were looking at what she said.

It's also power. Think about it were raising and dads to but were written as a dabs to assure you were raising this next generation. And so if the enemy of our soul, the enemy of our marriage. The enemy of our family can come in the accuser of the brethren. If he can whisper lies to a mom that you're not enough. You're failing you'll never do this right, your kids will be so messed up because of you I mean if Satan can get us there. Then we become crippled as moms and we're living in this place that Jesus never meant us to live in because he died for all of that.

He never calls us a failure. He never says that were no good. He says I died for you and I am enough in your my beautiful made daughter of the king. Well it's really interesting is you know when you look at a title like love centered parenting you think it's like about this child a little love my child you flipped it, it's so beautiful it's like the obvious cereal of your child, but you can't unless you experience an overflow love of God right. That's the whole idea, yes, and I think so often we just want to get to the quickfix yeah and really being willing to do the hard heart work. That's where the change.

How hard heart that said because we can't ultimately change your kids we saw itself trying to be their Savior and Holy Spirit. But that's only going to leave us feeling like a failure because we were called to be their Savior, the Holy Spirit, but we can focus on changing and growing and doing that work to uproot those lies and then living in that freedom to our kids, and I think that that is one of the most powerful things is then seen love through us because the example that were setting for kids. If we say Jesus loves you, Jesus loves me were so loved by God. We sing about his loudly read the verses about his lap and then on a day-to-day basis. Our kids hear us speaking all this negativity to ourselves not set an example of what it looks like to live as love will in your book you talk about life-giving choices that we make as love centered parents, let's talk about those a little bit because I'm a preacher and they also through the first when you talk about leaning in love is this what you're talking about. Yes and so for me it's when there's a situation that you need to address on the micro level or the macro level. We can take these life-giving choices instead of trying to fix our time because I think that's so much of what we want to go Tuesday noticed that bubblewrap enough fixing our kids. So what can we do and so I in the book I talked about leaning in love listen well lead with humility and let go.

All of those four choices are things that they're not dependent on our child's behavior. They're not dependent upon our child's choices.

They're not dependent upon the end result, they are just about our heart and how we walk with her kids and this is really change things for me.

It was interesting is when I was writing this book. I actually ask on Instagram and the money-saving mom and Instagram and ask him is crime stories for people to fill in the blank. My job as a parent is to blank. I got hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of responses and I would say that 98 to 99% of the responses are things that ultimately you have no control over us. Like what give us something so my job is appearing is to raise kids who have strong character to get great jobs and who go to heaven. I mean we start thinking about it.

A lot of times that's how we view our job as a parent is to be their Savior and Holy Spirit, so no one walking around feeling so exhausted and burdened, because were trying to be God in their life. We can't control we can set a great example for then we can talk then we can give them opportunities to learn these things we can't change her kids hearts and so for me it was thinking what can I do.

I can lean in and laugh. I can listen while I complete with humility and ultimately let go in there so much freedom in parenting from that space. Earlier you talk about correcting and not connecting.

Is this part of that connecting piece yes and so one of the things I realized is that I was spending too much time.

Like I said, correcting, protecting, bubblewrap been fixed seen trying to go in and just title up the bow and get it all taken care of very little time connecting with my kids and I think it's so easy to want our kids to come step in our world leg. I'm going to target. Come with me like we want to spend that one-on-one time. Nothing wrong with that. If we really want to build that relationship once it look like to step into their world and really connect with them and care about what they care about and listen to them when their little because if you listen to them in their little you're establishing that relationship for when they're older and so that is how I want to parent from that place of leaning in and really loving them and thinking of what is underneath the surface when they are struggling when they've made a mistake when they have it with their hygiene or their arguing or they're talking back. That's really going on there. It's leaning and loving than listening well and then leading with humility and letting go that listening well I know that when our son was just 28 when he came back to me and he said mom I really wish that when I was in high school you to listen to what was going on in my life deeper in my heart and I was like that what Amy said. I just feel like you are so concerned with what I wasn't or was doing in terms of partying in terms of girls in terms of who I was hanging out with. I feel like you are lecturing me so much about that but you weren't wondering like why are you so tempted.

Hear what's going on in your heart that you want to be accepted by anyone, and I remember going to bed that night thinking holy so right because I was parenting out of fear and I think if I had to do it again I would do that I would leaning in love and I would listen well, now I don't know if he would've had the capacity at that time to say oh well. I rip my heart is you know so torn because I want to be loved by people. I'm not sure he could have gone there, but I think just to put aside the rules, the regulations what he was or wasn't doing appropriately. I wish I would've disconnected more with his heart yet you knows I'm looking at you had 10 practical ways to lean on love and you've already said really the idea of it but one of them was just simple stop, look and listen they don't need "a fire drill for several goes and they need it. Only our productivity neither presents and that's what you know, one of our sons will send you any sooner to me as well. I think it's so easy is appearing you so busy you are concerned about their behavior.

Right or wrong you are part of our job.

But man oh man, they they really do long just to be right and so use Soria to figure out ways to be. Sometimes when their teenagers report away and it's like you remember with my sons and I knew what their incident so if I want to spend time with them. All you do is connect to that interest. Hazy day.

Want to go to Best Buy.

Yes, you know you're my resume as he was at that guy you know I see what it was just each one was different, but it was really easy. As a dad to pull back because they were born away was that obviously should with the other side like no pursue pursue pursue in their social world, because they may not be's Sen. Shona but they really do long for your presence right, but I think you know when we're pursuing pursuing from a heart of wanting them to know how much we value them wanting them to know how much we care about them, but is not pursuing them to be like checking up on you yeah on the right thing.

You are you are you following the rules that will sniff that out yet pursuing them be with you I should sit with you.

I think as as our kids get older, you have just noticed seating yes with them more like you talked about you know what something one of my daughter. She loves to shop. I am not sure I'm writing hello money-saving mom and she loved to go to the mall and so did you say hey to the mall with me to buy anything you say you seem to gather and food is another thing on their teenagers.

It's like really talk about BW to say you want to go get speaks loves them into looking for those ways and there's so many times I'm talking moms and the site is connect my child. We have no interest that overlap don't look for the interest that overlap you go get interested in their world, what they're interested.

I'm learning how to play rocket leak right now in terrible terrible at what is the videogame that I'm horrible at it but his friends now want to play with them so terrible and I think it is because it's like disclosing your mom to play with and disability step in his world and now when he's talking about that I can understand it more. We were talking about base and baseball thing earlier that I actually knew something about. I don't play baseball but I watch the YouTube videos of my son and I learned these things and then he can come to me and share something in my okay I know what you're talking about because I know it's not something that is my interest I become interested in it. And so it feels like it can take so much time even just five or 10 minutes a day just checking in with them and stepping into their world and caring about what they care about it like you're making these little deposit into relationship that then they start coming to you and they start telling you things and I am just offering up information when you didn't even ask that you didn't even know anything about because you've set that place where they feel secure with you is funny the other day.

I don't remember the song came up in our photo you know three years ago 10 years ago and member of the picture came up of me playing dodgeball.

Oh yeah, was one of my sons in the sternum of humor. I think he was a middle school and high school there is a high school buddy was early high school. I have a headband painted you just look like an old man trying to be in your like will you doing alike, there is still a crystal said I was leaning in and loving, though it really was all those things were. He said that play with us. You're really good at. There's a part of love gadgets. I know that your thing you should do it.

I get it. There's times where it is there thing but it was almost know this is probably a memory worth pursuing and it was interesting to you as you are talking crystal I thought this like you, Dave. Of the hundreds of rebound basketballs through back to my son out of the driveway and we would just talk and I and then his friends would come over and I'm rebounding for all of them and then we go out to lunch. And in that lunch time. I remember purposely thinking I'm only going to speak life into him and I'm going to tell him how great he is. Tell him the gifts that he has and tell him how anticipate how God can use him. It was always interesting as teenagers. I could feel a distance, but after that time of being in their world and then kind of just speaking life over them. I felt like we were reconnected. And isn't that what our kids long for. And that's what we long for his parents just say mom or dad go shopping today is your kid go rebound some balls played dodgeball of it, whatever it is it a world love to know their you're blinking there gone that you really are going to blanketed like a word the time go so you have today or this week. I would just say good great coaching from Dave and Ann Wilson today along with Argus crystal claim talking about our involvement in our kids lives. When was the last time you had one on one time with one of your children where you work, correcting them where you were forming them, encouraging them during the mom asking them questions about their lives.

All of us as parents need to be making that investment, because as they Wilson just said we blink and they are gone. There's a great resource that crystal claim has written to help us as parents think about how we can intentionally love our kids suitable called mom centered parenting them. It's a book or making available this week to family life today listeners. Those of you would like a copy if you can help us with the donation to support the ongoing work of this ministry would love to send you a copy of Crystal's book family life today is here to provide practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family every day. There are hundreds of thousands of people who are coming to us looking for biblical answers to the questions they're facing.

Looking for encouragement and fresh hope and you make that possible for yourself and for others. When you support the ministry of family life today, so if you're a longtime listener when you've never made a donation or if it's been a while since you've supported this ministry reach out to us today. Make a donation online@familylifetoday.com or call to donate one 800 FL today.

The website is family life to the.com part number is one 803 586-329-1800 FL today, we should ask for your copy of Crystal claims book loves centered parenting when you get in touch with us. Not tomorrow. Dave and Ann Wilson will continue the conversation with Crystal paying talking about what it looks like when our love for children has to get tough enough part of parenting right. Sometimes we've got to get tough with them. So what is Loeb supposed to look like will hear from them tomorrow about that. Hope you can be with us on behalf of our host Steven M. Wilson on bubble team will see you back next time for another edition of family life. Like today's production of family life accruing ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most