Navigating Bullying With Your Children

Melissa studies out there show that the difference between a kid who spirals out of control, and the bullying just pushes them over that tipping point, and the kid who actually survives. It is just one friend welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life and this is family life today so I don't even know this about you. You know 41 years of marriage I don't even know if you are ever bullied at school. My went to the same school, but you know I was three years ahead, and I was so much more mature head and paying attention at little girl run around in the playground, but I think I was bullied, but I did see bullying and it out raged me if I would see that I think I've shared the story here before but I think I was 12 years old and there is a girl that was known as a bully who is 15 years old and she would beat up all the younger kids and I was with one of my friends who tended to get bullied a little bit and the girl saw my friend start calling her names and pushed her down on the ground and so I'm thinking I'm strong, I'm a gymnast I'm doing all these things to make you stronger as gymnast and I just gotta say to listeners don't know you very will I've seen you, you get all I'm just good I can just see a little girl here.

I got to you this girls problem 58. I'm guessing she waste 200 pounds.

I am hundred pounds and I'm 51 and I think I'm taking her down and so I think you want you want to go out go with you and this girl punches me in the face and a tackler. I thought having I play football with my brothers. She punched me in the face and I went down so hard and I felt so much fear. I didn't even know what to say. And now as a mature adult. I hope I really think this girl must've been so hurting the girl that was bullying. What happened to her that would create this if she was a monster to us younger kids and I'm thinking a man I wish I would have dealt with a different, and I wish I would've had some tools, I think we as parents want tools to help our kids to know if they're being bullied or maybe our kid is a poorly hike what we do that we live in a world where there's more attention drawn to bullying. There was never any talk when we were kids in high school about it, but now there were police bowlers and their cyber bullies. It's a real deal.

A lot of our own kids are doing with so we got Jonathan McKee in the studio today who's written a couple books to book side and even though one of the affectional's book called bystanders and then the other one.

The bullying breakthrough and visa been so helpful for parents, especially to help us understand how to navigate this were with our kids. Jonathan welcome back to family life to a good leader. I remember when we talked about this before. Jonathan, you talked about you know your experience being bullied as a kid… A little bit. That's the book that if you flip over the back cover. The picture explains alive a picture of my fourth grade. You know my fourth grade school picture and you can't really even see me always use easy to shiny teeth and they immediately go mad. Must've been a rough fourth grade, yet it was a rough like five years because when the baby teeth went out the big teeth came in and I gave your name right. Oh, there was tons of you name it. I mean from Bugs Bunny, Elder and I would true story.

I'd be at the grocery store with my mom and little kids would be like me what's wrong with his teeth. Don't stare, honey, you know he probably sucked on his pacifier too long or whatever you mean and so I just there was not a day that went by that I didn't hear comments about my teeth so it just was one of those things started and I was all just your kid I very nearly didn't put all kinds of initials are from ADD to probably ADHD and their constant told my parents that I should be on this medication is meditation and so it was a rough, especially middle school for me during middle school. There was this one. Time where this one kid come out out for me and he actually started this killed John club. He made T-shirts like you do not know way. JC and I went and told the teacher about the teachers I know they didn't know they didn't… It's not like no trust me that's kill John club. They had some T-shirts where they would throw their jackets on since it but on the back was a caricature. This kid had drawn of me and out a gun scope on my head down while the computer think there's no way this stuff happens but yeah this is very real for me and it was very real for my son so that was issued to talk about because it's becoming a pressing issue for, especially for young people today because one of things I had going for me is at least when a bell rang at 230. I could go home somewhere safe now when the bell rings at 230 young people enter a whole new world where the bullies are sitting there waiting for them and it continues all my long, 40 remember going home as a middle school boy, how did you get through to continue high school and how do you had to navigate it.

There was a minute wait was very tough times. One thing that was honestly him and God is so good. I had two loving parents who really cared about me and I actually was plugged in at my church, and at my church. I actually had some really good friends and that really helped because most studies out there show that the difference between a kid who spirals out of control and that bullying just pushes them over that tipping point, and the kid who actually survives it is just one friend one close confidant that they can talk to.

That makes a world of difference things when I talk with young people in school assemblies. I was told in that stat you can make the difference in another kids life. You can make a world of difference because one friend makes a difference. I think every parent is hoping that they can have an impact on their kids with bullying, but did you tell your parents did they know what was going on internally know because when I even wrote the book.

My mom read it. She psychiatrist and I you know and she hurt me connect I would do school assemblies and talk about this a little bit. She's like I just had no idea you know and it wasn't her fault. I didn't come home and be like a yeah so today, here's the food they threw at me and here's the whatever and I know when my son we would talk with him a lot but we found a lot of those stories. Years later, because we had no idea that in high school he was still literally getting food thrown Adam Ito during lunch as if I got with no idea.

He just never said you think there's any way we can pull that out of our kids. The question I'm always asked by parents is what we do we do and I think the mistake we make. As parents we want to solve again want to solve I'm to go down there. You and I tell you armor a time when Mike it was in fourth grade, where for Halloween.

All the kids of the costumes and and my son Alec.

He is such a cute little kid.

The creative little kid and at the time he really liked the Disney movie monsters Inc. and he was in the Disney store with us and he saw this costume from Mike was asking the big green dude with a big eyeball it was this. It was amazing because it was as big ball with eyeball wood legs and arms and he's like, like, will save your money Lloyd. He saved his money and he bought this and he comes home and he put that thing on he saw, but that thing that way came from these eggs that are like doing the mic without the dance and all his stuff and his little sister's old think he's the greatest and so funny and everything and so we go to this school Halloween party were parents and kids every go and as we walk in all these kids start looking.

I'm not like look at the big green dork noise caused a minimal look at it and most kids are dressed like as a pirate.

You know, or as a rocker. This was fourth through six grade so he was fourth grade through some younger and they're just hurling on insult and the crazy thing was watching his whole posture changed and we walked in. He was so excited and little he went to this gauntlet of insults with me right next to him gauntlet of insults is kids didn't care. There were just literally laughing and pointing and he got through the gauntlet within 30 seconds.

He kinda tucked his head down in the my chest in this deck we could just get out here. Please get out here as a dad I want to start throwing pirates around you know I want to toss pirates. I mean, you want to solve it you will like listen bullying lecture begins now and the best thing that we can do as a parent is not solve the situation. Perfect. Moses don't know what to do some best thing to do is to admit we don't know what to do and for kid by chance tells about the map on what to do. I don't know the answer but I just want you know that I'm here for you through this. Tell me more about this and is a talk, listen and empathize. Man, that sounds like that must've been tough on us kids were doing that.

I can even imagine what you're going through.

I'm so glad you told me talk to me more about this and those are the things I want to say that's widespread time right in the book was here. Some of these things we can say like.because our kids more than anything else want someone who understands whenever I talk to young people about this. Here's what they always tell me. My parents have no idea that they don't have a clue they wouldn't understand.

They would freak out.

That's what I was here the best thing they could have someone who didn't freak out. But someone who listened and empathized, and said, hey, no matter what, I'm here through this and you know that nothing you do.

Ever can stop me from there I'm guessing that's why heaven one true friend makes such a big difference because they feel like somebody here's somebody understand somebody emphasizes so wanted stepparent. That's why so valuable because the child is feeling like my mom and dad get it now. Absolutely. And you gotta get other piece of advice I get to parent is. I think it would be good to try to to see if they can get involved in some communities somewhere and and that's it.

It's a tricky subject is a lot of talk on the book because we took our kid to youth group as we got. I personally had a really include experience at youth group that was a place where I was accepted and but we took my some youth group and he literally was bullied at youth group G and he was he was an interesting kid for sure he like brought his middle school brought a stuffed animal to camp with them.

He brought the soul stuffed monkey and the kids were teasing him and he and their cruel and he went out once and came back to the cabin and it shredded his monkey in your stuffing and monkey parts all over his bed and stuff just, they were like as a side of I guess we think of your monkey you know and you didn't tell us out till years later we found out about this. He just felt like he had nobody could talk to and I wished I would've just been there more to just listen because I think now I know for a fact that if you would've told me I would've freaked out I would've freaked outsourcing we can do as parents freak out looking like what we mean was to his forgot.

One is kids are gonna do things that violate our rules and whatever in one ways we forgot like I nodded my you know that kind of freak out but there's also the freak out in this bullying situation of what they taught. But I would call the principal writer was a kids are not dad don't know because it meant and honestly not not a slam and principles in my book actually spent a chapter night interview principles what would actually be helpful of a parent telling you so I get some steps of positive ways. But very often people come the principles and I've seen example after example of principles will backhoe really will all call those bullying kids here in front and it just makes it worse. A principal bringing two kids and so Valliere says that you are saying us know we weren't know we weren't we were doing now what, why would we do that I got suspended and in trouble with teachers all the time. So if I ever went to teacher and said that's the teacher I the very kids that were teasing me. The teacher loved me. I was a thorn in that teachers heinie you know so I mean it was like the teacher was almost like you know what you don't know sit on your troublemaker because I was those of us who are bullied very often become antisocial why we don't have social circles because nobody likes us and so it becomes a downward spiral where also we don't as many friends.

We don't want to talk with friends and people do talk. We think they're talking about me and so we lash out we say stupid things. It happens all the time I see is all as I will bullied kids. I did it my son did it and sadly what happens is it makes it difficult to be around as though sometimes our parents didn't know what to do with us. You know when they freak out they going to solve this in and it's the last thing we want them to do so. There are some positive things you can do and the best thing you can do is empathize and be there for your kit and it doesn't mean you shouldn't call the Prince what you can, but you should not be freaking out as you do this you should talk at the hay is, or will we can do what what can we do to resolve this talk about signs of a kid being bullied because a lot of parents don't know their kids are being bullied at school or even cyber bullying online either any signs that we can look forward even know or even questions that we can ask yet very often on those changes in attitudes and behavior. Some signs will be like loss of appetite and not wanting to eat that kind of stuff.

Yes. Gotta keep your eye open for like like with young guys friends and sometimes they come back and you'll honestly see like like a ripped shirt or a dirt on their backpack or torn books in the L how do you get to. I dropped it and sometimes you start to notice and thought like if you see one of these things. But when you start to notice. I saw change in attitude we saw as my son started getting bullied. We literally saw his whole demeanor change was over. He used to be very confident young man, and all sudden he just come like no I'm stupid.

I'll probably mess it up but I did just under confident in themselves and everything so we watch keep her eyes on that in the days of social media. One thing we can do is if you're giving young kids social media account. I think it's good to have the passwords on those accounts and look at those accounts and see what people are saying and see the comments people are making and we can spot some of those comments and again not freak out if we see those. But, as someone who's compassionate and empathetic and be able to talk about how that make you feel. I saw this, not freaking out like what we'll talk about that though some of things you look for.

I'm sitting here you know as a parent you're always trying to solve. Only also protected.

So I sit there and think it should we switch schools should we homeschool. Is there ever a time that we should make that big of a switch. Yeah, absolutely. I'm actually a firm believer not I'm not a firm believer in coming down and swooping our kid up and trying to solve all the problems and pulling them out of it because often it will usually follow them from place to place, but there are some no arenas that are more difficult to navigate than others and my son was in a very rough school and he was a very creative mind and is coming in a gifted student with all us and we are she found the school that you had to be on the listing get in and it was a lot of other nerdy kids like him and he loved it when he switch to school. He ended up having to bronze at school.

He had some kids to come in the kind of stuff, but he loved and he asked you thrived at this new school, so sometimes as parents we really should look at those situations and pay attention to those kinds of things because the other are some simple things like that.

We can let me ask you this to you feel like when you are being bullied or watching your son, what's the person being bullied feel about God like God where are you. Why aren't you taken this out of my life.

Is there any that kind of struggle that you experience or you wash your son experience. I know for me.

For myself I wasn't crying out to God. At the time and I wish I would've because as adult. I think of the times were I hit the ground on my face and was like God and cried out to him and he was so there and took me through those tough times I wish I would've done as a kid and I wish someone would've helped me understand that a little better because I think if I would've known who God was and how much you want to walk through that with me, it would've really helped me but we all realize kids today.

They just really are plugged into Scripture. They aren't really know their relation with God using the first thing on their mind. It's more the fact that there being absolutely mocked on social media, that's for them. That's the issue right there is not do with God. No matter what God does.

I stood up people call me names on social media or not like my stuff in there like in some else and and and those are kind of very the very real issues in their life, so it is tough, so still things as a parent and I guess advice are probably give a parent there would be. Sometimes we try to block out all the bad stuff this is where those opportunities where instead of focusing on blocking out the bad. Here's where we should really focus on absolutely saturating them with good really helping them feel loved in the home really helping them see some areas where they have worth and if we see that there really gifted in something that might be obscure and different than all her friends are football players, but they really like horses or drawing drawing class, get them involved somehow where they can go in volunteer with horses bare minimum. Or so I get sometimes if they find out what were they can use their gifts and see look I'm being used, to do something I in the book I talk about finding opportunities to serve and make a difference. Something as simple as serving in a homeless shelter and seeing people respond because you're making a difference in their life that makes you feel good about something, and so I say as parents we can kinda do that and it's through. Sometimes, pouring truth and good experiences in their life that don't have those good experiences and it'll though relate to the issue of healing up to address the issues are going through, but you're giving them positive experiences in your giving them truths so that they recognize those lies is false and so that's one of the best things we can do because no I think to go to circle back to your question, I don't think it's there, go to reaction for a lot of kids today to be like what does God think about this when is he think of me, but when were teaching them what God thinks of them. Who is God, in whom I most of the issues that kids are dealing with in life fall right between those two questions. One other angle you mentioned the bystander you know the person that's watching either a friend or maybe another parent what we do fun watching one of my friends sons or daughters get bullied maybe on their friend. Maybe I'm just a dad, a fellow dad why Stepan yeah absolutely that's the big question I asked in my fictional book bystanders. It was a book about a bunch of kids were in obesity standing and watching this bullying take place on a campus and us a story of a campus expressing a school shooting and the majority of kids out there. There's usually a couple bullied kids a couple bullies, but the majority of kids are bystanders and that question is what we do and I like to equip kids to know that you can make a difference. You can literally save someone's life and I talk about what it means to sit next to get lunch. I've heard so many different bullying programs were people back just sit next to a kid at lunch. Here's the reality I talk to kids about I go. Guess what, I was a bullied kid and you know what I was of pain and if you sat next to me at lunch was bent long one lunch with me and said glad that you got it the next your friends.

You know, and sadly some of the kids that are bullied aren't necessarily fun to hang out with its true sacrifice to literally say I minutes sacrifice going to lunch with my friends. I'm go sit with this kid and going to lunch once with a kid might help a little bit, but it's nothing compared to being a kids friend.

You know and you bust some scripture on what good is it to do good was someone who who is easy to do good to bear to someone who frustrates us. That's the Jonathan translation of the sermon on the Mount. You know, because it's one of those things where I mean literally if our kids start understand this.

This can be work and the sad fact is as if were bystander and we allow the bullying to go on very often we ourselves become the bully I remember, I'm sure.

Just every force I will go into the details, but our oldest son was friends with the kid to get bullied at school and I was there one lunch. Playing outside the school and the kid was bullying. This friend of my sons and I stood up to the kid and basically threw them off the playground and took it to the teachers at Ascot should be out here you know I didn't do it in bye-bye very far because I first I gave him a warning like three times and they kept bullying the kids. I finally took him up to the teacher and said you know he needs to go in. He can't play with this anymore and the teacher looked at me and literally went know why you doing this and then the kid said he was doing was doing this in the future looking like oh I see why he's a bully, I did thinking about it a week later met parent-teacher conference and I'm standing there talking to his teacher and his mom comes up – Minnesota goes are you Dave Wilson I guess she starts tearing up.

She was my sons to me. Thank you for standing up for him. On the one last week. So Tim went home obviously and told Mr. Wilson set up and just standing there watching her face. I key I could feel her whole life.

You know her whole life little Tim actually is a really big kid had just been bullied as whole life and one guy some stranger dad stood up and I just hit me man that's well that's what we can do and so many different areas of our life was sunny day because I remember that, but you also spoke life to this young boy who is being bullied like he said some great things to him as a man and as a pastor I think that that's probably what really hit him to like man.

This man who is really influential send these incredible things and mentors are huge. And sometimes you can find that in that community in that church, even if it urban rough time with her peers. Sometimes that youth pastor that you volunteer really and we as parents and as we think will should I be the one they come to. It's great to have another mentor a coaching and it isn't she numb center playground. I'm listening and watching bullying happen right in front of me and I can sort of as a bystander step in. But as we know today. Bullying often happens in the dark cyber bullying. It's happening on our child's phones and devices and we don't even know about it. It's a real deal. You've obviously looked into the study.

This talk to us about cyber bullying. How do we prevent know that's a great question and you know my answers give you the same answer I gave and we talked in earlier shows just about what we do in this world of social media right now is parents and there's actually some realistic guardrails and boundaries.

We can have it will really help our kids avoid some of the cyber bullying and all spin it like this. Parents come to me all the time and when they ask me about how to deal with the situation or daughters enter their sons and here's how it usually comes up so my 11-year-old son is being bullied on social media all night long and then shall ask so what would I do and right Darcy won't do you really want to know that there's actually some very practical things you can do you like yes anything other say what you just mentioned three things you said my 11-year-old son is being bullied on social media all night long. How has your son social me know when it was his phone. He has in his bedroom.

He insists he has. It is marble right there by his bedside. You know he use it as his alarm clock I go well to your son a favor go to Walmart spent 10 bucks bio alarm clock go do need to get you to get it done.

I say and this brings up three issues when it comes to should I give Mike a smart phone or swallow what age.

Most experts say wait till high school. Your 11-year-old shouldn't have a smart phone that's the first thing you can do. Second thing is your 11-year-old on social media. Your love will have the lie about their age to even get on social media because I'm suspense me up to age 13 for sure wait on social media and do the research you'll see it is and tons my books like parenting generation screen. The research is out there that watch them out of social media time your kids thirdly said all night long in her bedroom. If there's one thing that experts agree on its no phone in the bedroom if anybody asked me Jonathan if you can only give your kid one rule, it would be no devices in the bedroom at night because your kids don't need to be losing sleep and being insulted or worse yet, how come I don't have as many like some followers as everybody else all night long. They don't need that in those three things would help keep bullying to a minimum, you know. And then, yes, there's all kinds of other stuff right there. Boom boom boom does some practical things we can do as parents is not just give them these devices and throw them in the it's like were dressing them in the wrong color and dropping them off and up in a neighborhood of a gang of the opposite color going good luck you know you're just your throat or mother to the wolves and you can't do that we can help. There's practical things we can do help. It's not like bullying is a new phenomenon.

I mean, we probably all experienced some kind of bullying when we were in middle school or in the early days of high school. I think what's happened in our day is that it's all being amplified. Our kids are experiencing at a level today that is different than the level we experienced when we were there age. That's why it's so important for moms and dads to know how to respond to have a strategy in place and to know how we can help our kids as they go through 13 years and what Dave and I am have talked with Jonathan about today what he's included in his book the bullying breakthrough is real practical help for parents of teenagers. We got Jonathan's book available in our family life today resource Center. You can find it online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to order a copy again. The title of the book is the bullying breakthrough real help for parents and teachers of the bullied bystanders and bullies. Again, you can order the book from us online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to get your copy now. This weekend we got hundreds of couples joining us in Hartford Connecticut in Louisville Kentucky in San Diego actually in Delmar and in Parsippany, New Jersey weekend. Remember marriage getaways happening this weekend next week and were in Little Rock and Cleveland in Delray Beach, Florida and Pittsburgh.

These getaways are continuing throughout the fall. If you've never been to a getaway wanted to go to family like today.com and get more information about whether getaway is coming to a city near where you live and plan to join us and then pray with us that the couples were attending this weekend will have a truly transformative marriage changing experience as they come to a weekend to remember marriage getaway again.

There's more information about the getaway on our website@familylifetoa.com and we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together one way or another with your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us on Monday morning to talk about all of the data.

All of the research that shows young people.

People in their 20s and 30s walking away from Christianity, from religion. David Kinnaman and Mark Matlock say there is a silver lining to that cloud and will explore that silver lining. When we join them on Monday.

Hope you can be with us for about on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine.

We will see you back Monday for another edition of family life today.

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