Affirming Your Sons

Okay I think one of the best things you do is mom. Currently I am in the car starting to shower starting. I want you in something you do fabulous as it is anything I don't even care welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today. One of the best things you do is mom, you affirm me as your husband, but our sons. Now our sons and their daughters in law's, and in our in our grandkids. I love he'd never seen anybody like you, I mean not just our kids the grocery store. There is no one that speaks words of life like you. Let's admit it was knowing I was at distillate positive first 28 years ago… But I made it so important as a parent to be up to do that and so we got met Lisa Jacobson with us today who written a book about 100 ways to affirm 100 words right that your son needs a here and then 100 words. Your daughter needs to hear us talk about sons today, but I mean it's what I watch my wife do for many many years, but we are so glad to hear you have you guys here to talk about what does that look like as a parent to welcome the same life today to be with you again, and yet we shared a couple different days with you and love that your authors, I mean, you do it all. You've written books on other ways of your spouse, husband, wife, son, daughter, and now tongue, but affirmation yet obviously just to give a little bit your background, you get a kid so you know what you're talking about and theory your kids also.

It was in your podcast is called what faithful life yes yeah it's a faithful life you blog your faithful man. I mean.com you guys are really impacting so many families positively for Jesus for the gospel and we're helping us practically to know how to love each other. Husband and wife how to let our kids an hour talking about affirming our kid is a bit first question, what difference yeah is there a difference between loving our kids loving our spouse and affirming our kids or spouse will. The thing about affirming it's what words out of your mouth right and we establish the culture in our home, largely by what we say and how we say it is also some buddy might automatically start thinking of the love languages but the thing about affirmation is even if that's what your particular love language. Kids need to hear positive words of affirmation of who they are validating who they are as people validating the victories that they win and just validating their sense of personhood and who they are and that's done the cultures of our homes are established by words by how we speak and what we say and so it's very very important part of a positive home environment thinking about those voices in your head that you want you back from your childhood you have this kind of thing where you remember I remember something my piano teacher said third grade. I remember what that girl said in junior high to me. I'll never forget it is easy and positive and negative thinking and negative know either way there just powerful voices in your head. Last, here we are you how many 4050 years later they're still in my head and think how to get there and and you take that you think of as a parent meeting opportunity to inform those voices in my child's head that they would have voices that are true, there kind that are right there building up that are speaking would of hope into their head and heart. It's an amazing and an end. He's not conscious about you not thinking of just trying to get to the day to try to get things done without realizing. Wait a minute I can say words that will impact your heart and life for the best you so good. What a wonderful gift to have and I think we just underestimate the power mean Proverbs 1821.

I'm sure you're familiar is life and death is in the there's a word power of our tongue, and those who understand this, eat its fruit. You know it's like if we understand this is apparent the power of our work for good life for for discouragement or dirt or tearing down death.

They are literally in our tongue and winking like you said met. We can create on aroma. What is home. What is the Wilson home is.

It is a life-giving home with our words, affirming yours at the opposite. And as we look at any talk about affirming our sons and daughters today were specifically looking at our sons today.

Is it different with sons and daughters. The way we affirm with our words, some crossover, something that topically applied to both sons and daughters, but there are some that I think may be a young woman needs to hear that young man doesn't need to hear and so I do think it can be different and do you feel like okay I'm supposed affirm my sons what if I don't really like what I'm saying do I lie.

You know, do I me and now this. At the time and marriage thing. Affirm your husband like there's nothing to affirm.

So the thing is that makes you a normal parent okay because every parent a circumstance or a moment or season in their parenting where they got you not right. I am not going with this right and you know you feel like you need to correct her instructor change something drastically, but the fact of the matter is is you can find the wind so it may be that your child is kind of deviating from the course you feel is best but that doesn't mean that you can't find something to affirm that some for and it can be the smallest thing you just look for those things.

I mean did he pick up his dinner plate and take it to the kitchen. All right, maybe you were sitting at the dining table and he did that.

Know that might sound like a silly example, but if you get yourself in the habit of affirming him for the simplest things that he's doing you'll find that you'll see all kinds of winds along the way and what happens when we get validated for something. What happens all of a sudden we gain that sense of self awareness, because that's what you're building into your son a way of thinking about himself right and so you find that when if it it it could be the slightest thing he could show kindness to his sister he could do a simple thing fruit. Maybe he carried something out to the car without being asked, what ever it is.

Find the smallest win and start focusing in on those and maybe leave those bigger themes off for just a moment and sometimes those things can just overshadow everything so you can get yourself into a place where you literally can't think to look for those moments but I'm just saying, tell yourself before game day right here the coach right so you play practice right so you gotta get it in your head how you're going to play and what were really saying here is, there is something somewhere in the day in the week that you can point out as a wind so you're looking it's like you putting on these glasses looking for the good, because it's really easy, especially with teenagers to only see the negative and I was just in a sporting goods store and just browsing and I see this woman in this teenager and the mom says to the sign Haiti like these gloves and it works like this life. Anyone I wanted to go hunt them on. She turned around and walked immediately way I could tell she was so pained by the experience and embarrassed and felt such pain and so I'm thinking I can thinking that what you just said like okay were looking for the good.

Like there is something good and so I think some parents are dealing with that shame. They feel like they've already failed.

How would you encourage some these parents that are just in the midst of that. I think we as parents we can think that I've blown it, or I wish I would've done better.

I wish I would've lots of wish I would've and he wants us to believe in and this is how it is and how it's always been a VS but it is not true. We serve a God who is a Redeemer and he can redeem those situations and son is we have to start really small and start the process of the new way we want to be an example of when my daughter is not assigned but we had this situation we just had almost no relationship with out so far apart and we both agreed by it to the teenager and I had to come to her and say I am sorry I meant to do well. I just did not do well by you and I want to do differently.

It was a slow process and this is a.I've mentioned you before that now we get together every week to talk all the time.

I'm she's praying for this conversation here back today and she's very open about it as well that God redeemed our relationship and it took me initiating it and it took humility and just say I want to do better and let's slowly work on this. You know, we just shared is such a powerful example for prayers understand you initiated the apology and you didn't say. I affirmed her, but you did because you said this on me. I have done a good job. Can we start over him. It's a beautiful way to say I didn't really say words of affirmation, but that made her feel firm because your sin is all you are saying this is me to words of affirmation. Also things like I want a relationship with you. I want to understand you. I want to be close to you. Those are powerful words that child on the missing you know they want to hear, but they do they really do want to hear that you said earlier, I know that when anybody is affirmed. Just think of your own life.

It's like a magnet. You run to those people you run. We we're I've said this many times, the men you know, especially when women are there, it's like you know a lot of us men don't want you women to know this, but were really little boys who are very insecure.

Just saying this anybody see me saying they believe in me does anybody think I'm good. And so we maybe 30 or 40 or 60 years old, but deep down were just trying to get somebody to affirm us and when our wife does or mom or dad does only good as you do about motivation, it changes us, the better.

Yet the critiques going to do that, but it rarely works. It's the opposite in and so true and our sons and frankly us in terms of that little boy is just talking about not going to get any help from the world not to get any help from the devil not getting any help from a flash, the Dell was the liar, the deceiver, the destroyer and the thing about the enemy is. He's been twisting God's word. God's word is always been under targets under talk today a thousand ways. But it was under attack from the very beginning in the Garden of Eden. The basic first thing Satan said was God really say that. And so he's there.

This voice of destruction discouragement.

This voice to tear down and we have it as adults and so sometimes we get a place where we feel like well I can't speak anything into my son's life gives whom I want to mine where my the Bible talks about washing with the water of the word. We need that we need the voice of God's truth of who we are in him, not the voice of her past, not the voice of that little boy, but to listen and believe what God has said about us who we are in Christ and saturate ourselves with vats who we are and were not able to speak positively into the lives of our sons if we first. Don't listen to the truth of who God says we are so gotta embrace that so we can speak from a position of strength in the position of defeat and discouragement and despair ourselves and the enemy is going to oppose this process straight up. It's so important for us to recognize our role in speaking the truth for today and the future what you were just touching on baby minute ago when you were saying that we need to inform those voices now so when they're older, they're hearing the voice of that little boy, that's a positive voice and encouraging voice and is affirming voice and for people listening who feel like will how do I start.

Where do I go, what is a thing I can do to begin. Think about the day that you just had is there one single solitary thing that your son did that you thought that was a good thing and you just speak of that and you focus on that and this has a way it's like light coming through the crack in the door and each word is a slight opening that door little farther and farther little more light coming in.

And it isn't going to happen in a moment, especially if you have a relationship where this just hasn't been part of the dynamic of your home. But if you look for those moments, then you're gonna find that those moments of affirmation are going to take precedence over that overarching negative spirit that you had. Based on this thing that you're trying to correct if we spend so much time in building our sons up with affirmation in front of this can be a lot less of the other just wasn't his great testimony from a young man who'd gone through a time of rebellion in his teen years and now we sit in his 20s and he was just saying as he was talking about his experience, he said, but even when I was on this path of that I knew wasn't right. And it wasn't what I wanted to know how I got there.

He said I kept hearing my mom's voice because she would always say you are a prince you are a son of the king and guys can do great things feel his kingdom.

He said those words haunted me in a good sense is a distant gaining identity and wait a minute, why am I doing this because prince you know and I thought what a good mom to have just filled her sons mind and so even if you don't see it. Even at the time maybe acting out thinking. Wait a minute. Just have faith that likely use those words.

I just want you to tell the story about talking parking is our son is 15 and just. It wasn't that long ago he was having a weekly, down day and he was really discouraged and you came to him and spoke to him.

I actually was. Times are is apparently for like he was talking to me. Helen Nixon and stairs you and answer me and thinking great here we go here's teenage years really worried about him and so then we just hung out together for a while and it really say things that you know what you know Dan, I believe that God has big plans for you and you realize I start name and some of the quality city has because mom, I just don't feel like anything like that at all because I just feel like basically is a loser because of something that happened with some of his friends some things it again said in your teenage years are brutal brutal and so was such a great conversation about how weird Becky I said earlier this year that he does go on ABC say that because I remember saying to our sons when they were in middle school, high school, rethinking how proud I am of you. I click it you okay now I don't and I was shocked. Like I say it all the time, not realizing they need to hear it all the time that's just it. Parents can live with this incredible affirmation and generosity of spirit toward their kids in their heads yeah but it's so important to kids at our kids or mind readers, it's so important for us to take the step of saying it.

Speaking it and again, I think we talked in times past may be other shows where a lot of times will say it to 1/3 party. We need to speak it to them. Even if we feel it overwhelmingly. Inside they don't have that feeling and they need to hear those words from us. Now I feel like Matt is the natural a farmer. He's just always been very good about speaking into our kids lives right right from the get-go for me as I personality on my upbringing was very awkward for me. I'm much better at it now, practice makes perfect. So I first started saying these things to my kids. I felt like it was a pretender. I believe God's hand is upon you just like so weird to say because I just didn't grow up talking like this but then as I started this even in my fumbling way the kid just picking up Mike really you do now I can say with power because I have seen what I know it's true and I don't be qualified to say it, I can say it because it's just true.

That's what God says about you and then plasticine. Frankly, the results have been saying it might argue considering that young adults now thriving with those messages in their head and they can articulate it and say you know it was really powerful.

They remember me. That's the power of life and death.

We shared many times here and in our books but probably the first 15 years. I'm hoping to get his number right around there, and critique me in.

Try to make me better as a husband by pointing out how I was not doing a good job and I wasn't well and let me take because this is where I was in a go to Dell growing up I didn't have much affirmation and my parents never told me they love me.

I knew it they showed it but I feel like they didn't say it because they wanted us to perform to get those words of affirmation and so when we got married, I realized I knew that it said in Psalm 139 that God loved me that he had fearfully and wonderfully made me but I was critiquing myself constantly in my head.

I should have done this.

I should have done that God's probably so displeased with me, so I'm continually trying to perform for God, and I'm also hard on everyone in our family.

I'm critiquing Dave constantly because I want him to perform and critiquing our kids constantly and I had never had praise or affirmation, so I wasn't really good at getting it and I didn't know what I'd read the word that is like casino if I'm not performing up to par yet. I think what ends up happening is, whatever were saying to ourselves, we will say to others. So for judging ourselves and critiquing ourselves for probably doing the same with others. And yet, if we understand our identity in Christ and we are a son or daughter of the king of all creation, and he believes in us and he thinks were good and we walk in the room with confidence because it isn't me. It's the Holy Spirit of God just walked in so southern arrogance was a confidence I will start to see and speak that into others, especially our kids. I remember when we were in this season of our marriage and I just I didn't want to come home. I really didn't because I felt like out there. I was getting affirmed. At home I was getting death words there is in lifers and so I felt like I I did I spent too much time.

The officer spent time on ball fields where I could throw a ball and people go wow and I come home and be like you don't do this right out and I'm aroused with my buddies all husbands another wives and other kids and I were on a trip together. I just make this comment because we are struggling in our marriage is about this and I said hey let me ask you yes do you guys feel like your wife loves you think there were seven guys in the car. Every guy oh yeah, she loves me and then the big okay let me ask you this. Do you feel like your wife likes you. Every guy, no hundred percent like and that you course okay will so why ask this question alike live in feel the same thing.

I know he loves me.

I don't think she really likes me and I felt the same thing. And as we thought about it and we did same thing to our wives we gave words of death rather life.

I started the program saying my wife is the greatest affirming life giving person ever. She changed it was unbelievable. Again, not in a day.

But over time, and I washed her go from what she just said with me and with our boys and wrought limey, it motivated me to be the man she said I was. I was that I wasn't yet but she was saying I was. I think you landed first, but it motivated me to become that husband and dad and I watch the motivator boys affirmation motivates discouragement and death words demotivate and we think that's going to help our kids is the opposite right you you speak affirmation. It brings life out of them – absolutely Satan is the destroyer is all about discouraging and tearing down.

He wants to take any of the gifts that God has given through the Holy Spirit to you as a parent and to your children as young believers and he wants to destroy that he's against the work of God in the world and God wants to take those gifts and he wants to bless others with them in the way that you can encourage and bring out the strengths and gifts in your son is to speak those words of affirmation, and it really is about who he is in Christ and how God sees him, and how God identifies and what about this though, what if you gotta speak a hard truth is not very affirming, no, no, and we can't sidestep those things in parents for sure, but when they mess up and you approach it in the right way you've built this reservoir of affirmation over time they will recognize that you are not condemning them that you're not there to stand in judgment and condemnation over them, but you are with them in this challenging circumstance and what you're saying you're saying because you love them, they can believe that if these other things are in place, but if there's no affirmation in place and there is no relationship building in place and all. It is this correction then that's going to come down as condemnation, but when they know that you love them, they can hear a hard truth is that 9010 to 90% of your voice to come out your mouth are encouraging edifying building up 10% of son is gotta change they can go okay and I can take it to heart and they know that a doubt the year for them just that percentage. Lisa, if we apply that percentage in our marriages.

90% positive 10% hard truth, we would have different homes like speaking, life affirming one another really seeing each other and to say the things that you're saying you have to look you've been watching you been noticing you've been studying who they are as people that look at the status will. And I know that there are a lot of parents listening and you're sitting there in your thinking.

I feel like the only thing I ever do is correct my grant like my whole life is just a string of correction after another and that can definitely be how it feels, but it doesn't have to be how it is because if you change just your mindset to recognize the my job is discipleship.

My job is to train this child to raise this child in the nurture and the admonition so both things nurture affirmation, admonition and instruction of the Lord.

So I need to make sure that I'm not just the correction monitor in the hall, but I'm a parent whose job it is to take this little heart and to speak life affirming truth into the heart and in so all of a sudden you recognize a parent. My job isn't just to correct the children. My job is to reach their heart and to build them up in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord is okay the way to do that is to speak words of affirmation, and I was just then, with this parents or just say what Matt and Lisa already said they're not gonna get that outside your home. They may here and there, but generally other people are insecure, their friends are insecure people, school people in the community they're gonna tear them down to build themselves up because they're looking for affirmation is more of your home needs to be the place when they stepped through the door. They feel on seen him loved him believed in him, trusted minutes of magnet you want your home to be that place where they feel like I don't want to be anywhere else. Not the mean they don't leave and I don't go change the world, but they feel like this is a place my walking I get filled up to somebody here sees me, mom and dad see me and they believe in me, and they send me back out to the world of firm and just like God sees us, and parent. I'll say the way to start.

That is when you get up in the morning before your feet even hit the ground I would pray this prayer God gave you my life I give you all that I am today. Help me to see the greatness in the people around me. My kids if you're married and your spouse if you're a blended family with my step kids so that you will speak life Lord, give me your eyes. Give me your ears, and give me your tongue, and I may be you walking on this earth today. That's where it starts with the father.

If we want to bless and affirm and encourage our children that needs to be an overflow of what God is pouring into us. We need to be as and Wilson just said vitally connected to God walking with him, so that what we say to our kids is out of the overflow of what God is pouring into our lives. I'm thinking that maybe is your listing today. You thought of someone you know who could benefit from listening to the conversation that David and Wilson had today with Matt and Lisa Jacobson.

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The books that Matt and Lisa have written called hundred words of affirmation, your son needs to hear hundred words of affirmation, your daughter needs to hear worsening these books out this week.

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We are Lister supported were only able to do as much as you make possible through your support of this program will help us reach more people more often by making a donation today and when you do, you can request your copies of both of these books for Matt and Lisa hundred words of affirmation, your son needs to hear hundred words of affirmation, your daughter needs to hear. You can make a donation online@familylifetoa.com or you can call to donate one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today, not tomorrow. David and Wilson will continue the conversation with Matt and Lisa Jacobson talking about why affirmation is so critical and will and why it's more than complementing or flattering your children. It goes deeper talk about that tomorrow. Hope you can join us on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. See you tomorrow for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life accrue ministering, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most