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October 12, 2021 2:00 am
Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.
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We want kids that are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world our children are separate from us, and not always going to think like I and have different ideas and opinions and we want to create places casino maybe for dinner table where they can voice his opinions welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most time and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us if we live today.com or on our family life is family life today. I think this is going to be a really good conversation today as we got somebody with this is going to help us learn how to listen as parents or kids will talk to like a book titled me this is Becky Harling with S today. She wrote the book. As you said Dave how to listen so your kids will talk Becky, you have four kids. You've been married 41 years. Now you have 14 grandkids. Yeah, that's pretty amazing, but you're also a speaker.
Your leadership coach your trainer with John Maxwell team.
You've written several books including how to listen so people will talk and you spent more than 30 years teaching God's word to people all around the world. So we really do kind of have an expert today. I'm excited that we need help. Our kids are older but we got drink is now in our listeners have kids of all different ages so I will ask you the questions on the title your book how do we listen so our kids will talk yeah.
So we have to be intentional and before we even start.
I want to say and I know you guys would agree with me. This is no guilt zone. I we all messed up in this area and it's an area where God continues to grow us and so for me, you know, God gave me a little negotiator and she was about three years old when I realized what a negotiator she was. She was tiny but mighty as the pediatrician would say I remember thinking oh my word be three years old and have so many opinions on three staff would start conversations with mom. Don't say no yet we go into this long argument and now is your firstborn.
Really I treasure her because you know what God had to change me. You know, I grew up in a fairly abusive authoritative home and very abusive actually and you know growing up in a Christian home and being a Bible teacher. We all heard you know that your kids are supposed to be well behaved, grow up to love Jesus and unfortunately that meant I talked a lot, you know, I'm a teacher right so I had a lot to say hey you know a lot of instructions, pick up your clothes, you now make your bed, get your homework ready and you had to learn how to listen and to really tune into what was coming for my kids hearts. Was that something that you learn quickly and it was a how did you learn I did not learn quickly when one of my daughters was 70*. So how do you think I'm doing as a listener really thought I was going to get kudos. You know the rave reviews and she was like well sometimes you bless you talk a lot you give me a lot of your opinion said you know you're distracted a lot so it's a skill that we have to continue working on in our home. My husband Steve and I realized we needed a key verse to kinda shape our family really didn't know what we were doing as parents. In fact, I will have joked that really the book I've wanted to write on parenting is called black male bribery and a whole lot of prayer that I know what we were.
Did you know we knew we wanted good kids. We knew we wanted a good relationship with them. Driving everything we did, we had two goals in mind, we wanted them to grow up to love Jesus and we knew we really can't control that we can only model that we wanted them to grow up with a strong connection with us and that man we had to learn how to listen and so the verse that we chose for our house is Proverbs 24, three and four by wisdom a house is built through understanding it is established through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures and we loved that verse and so our whole family system was built on that those verses from Proverbs. So how did you break that down and think, okay, this is what we wanted to look like now in our family. While there's three couplets in that verse and so they became really goals for Steve. My husband and I so the first one is wisdom. We knew old man, does it ever take wisdom in fact funny story yesterday. We have a family text thread and my girls were all texting me saying my word. Why didn't you tell us parenting was to be so high. 3.1.yeah so anyway parenting is hard and there's lots of books out there on parenting. We've all written them but at the end of the day. Parents have to go back to the Lord for wisdom because each child is different and you know our firstborn was completely different than our second in our second was different than our third in our third was different than our fourth and so God and go back to God for wisdom so we exercise that principle every day getting on her knees asking God for wisdom and the second one is through understanding it is established in this couplet I love because it's one of my favorites because in our house all our kids played soccer suite a million soccer balls flying to the house and sometimes a lamp would get knocked over an idea behind understanding here is really setting up something that's been toppled over and for our kids. They go out in the world and their emotions are toppled over right people say mean things to them or they get their feelings hurt and as a.
When you listen to understand you're helping to reestablish that child's heart and then through knowledge. The rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures he to know your kids who are their friends.
One of the things your kids love, whether they gravitate to what are their strengths what are their weaknesses because when you can celebrate every child's unique personality, then your home is filled with rare and beautiful moment. Did you get to a point in parenting where you thought like I can't do this apart from God, oh my word all my word.
I mean we got to that point in time is right. I can't even tell you how many times I was at that point, like Lord help because this well you know I remember one morning it had been a rough morning with my little negotiator and it actually rough with my little negotiator's remember getting up really early getting on my knees and sobbing before the Lord just saying can't do is messing up for life. She's getting the lifetime of therapy, and the like. Did he.
He showed me that I had to keep my mouth shut as our kids got older, I remember my older friend saying as your kids become teenagers, you just say less and you pray more, yeah. And I remember thinking really is that really necessary and I realize like yes that is really necessary to pray more and so I was praying all through the day time he to even it when I woke up in the morning. Lord help me. I know I could blow it. I know I will blow it and I need your wisdom. I need your help for their specific times that you felt like hope God really gave me some wisdom in this.
Yeah, absolutely. I said there was that season when my husband was a pastor for most of our married life. And so you know Sundays are crazy.
I had been away at a speaking event. I came back in my hands and said our son JJ. He said he's really been sick today at the show and then you know I got home and he is eating strawberry pie so I thought well he can't be that now right in the next morning, Sunday morning, and now Steve is gone and JD comes into our bedroom and he's like mom I'm dying of pain and I just remember thinking okay Lord, what do I do, you know, do I say leave you way too much pie. I just had this check in mice can say and I was like Lord, you gotta show me what to do and I felt like the Lord said call the pediatrician and go right now so I did. Well it turned out that JJ had appendicitis well and by the time we got him to the hospital. It had burst me now, but again you know as a mother you're like okay is a serious this is not Syria's, you know, is he joking around whatever there so many times along the way. Another time I got home from a speaking event in my little negotiator, who was then 12 came bounding down the steps and she had an idea and I was like I said, I think she's like so she said I really think I deserve a TV and went against everything Steve and I believe Dennis parents and I just remember thinking I could feel a response coming on and I thankfully I paused and is like Lord, show me what to do.
So I said you know what staff I knew I didn't have the energy to argue this. So I said go up to you. The office and I want you to write me a proposal. It's got have good paragraph structure that have good sentences capitals.
The whole thing so she was all excited. She went up and worked for two hours on this proposal, she brought it down to Steve and I she presented her proposal and we excused her so we could talk you know and see said what were going to do this is really room that only worked on two channels.
Like she was she do now. She is a very strong voice for the Lord to guide staff in her church. She has four kids two of them are very strong negotiators and I get to laugh and she's working on her Masters degree in counseling. Wow, she's a bit amazing, though, because you thought the answers can be no right not to let her have a TV in there but what she had done in her argument was so compelling that you just thought we have to, but I like the idea that had two channels that was black. So now I tell parents hey if you have the negotiator if there you know grammar school age or junior high. Even teenagers learn to use the power of a proposal because it gives you time to pray there working proposal.
That's really why is it good little voyeur first chapters give them a voice so a lot of us would have just said no they don't have a voice they're not even there you asking it's over but you know me, that's wisdom. Yes, model wisdom, understanding, knowledge is like while I don't know if I would've ever done that.
I think that is. I mean, that was from God was from God. He absolutely and because I would not have thought of that by myself you know I had a situation that I've shared before, but it was in our son was 13 she was in a bad mood before school was then made me mad so we get in this argument, and I tell him his privileges are gone for the weekend. I get in the car to drive him to school and now I feel bad because I had overreacted, which I can do that quite often know all.
So I tell him CJ really sorry I overreacted. Let's just talk about this before we get to school and he will not talk, and that's the thing that drives me more most crazy of anything when you can't have a conversation because I want to have that conversation, and so were driving I said hey not don't just shut down. Let's really talk about what happened. What were you feeling what were you thinking and I'm trying to there's nothing he says nothing. We get to the school. I stopped the car. I said hey don't get out of the car until we at least make a little headway of saying, tell me what you're feeling. He looks at me. He opens the car door and he goes into this how I might now I'm mad and I'm trying to think what I should do and should I go back in and get him.
So I'm driving and this is exactly what comes to mind first. I'm trying plan the whole thing which I do like the best plan but then I'm reminded, pray, and I think of James one yeah you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously without reproach, and so I said that.
Lord, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say but I don't want this to be an ongoing thing where we have conflict and then he shuts down.
So, give me wisdom and in my mind pop this thought went home, grabbed a piece of paper put a stick figure of a girl stick figure of a guy and I put a brick in the middle of us and he came home later that day because I had put that note right on his desk where he studies he came in the house goes upstairs studies and he comes immediately downstairs with this paper because mom what is this like your attempted art.
What is this all that's what happened to us today.
That's me. The woman that's you.
The guy in that thing in between that block that brick is the fight that we have an it's in our relationship. Now it's unresolved because is not fair. I'm not even mad about it. I said I'm not either but that doesn't mean brick is disappeared in the conflict is resolved or just mad that it's there anymore, so we had this great discussion about how if you have one fight and you don't resolve it and I took the pencil and I made all these bricks and I said I see families all the time. They can't even talk yeah they've had so many arguments and they haven't resolve them, and with seen marriages that happen to them as well. And so it's it's so fun because he says so how do you get rid of the brick, you know, we prayed about it and I erased it but that's what is you are talking about. That's what that does. I would have never come up with this thought in my mind right to draw a picture picture never and I'm not an artist.
I think God is so beautifully merciful to us when we go to him and ask. He gives generously asking we have to then kind of you know like what kind of thoughts. As he put in my mind or what are people saying to me or what is the word thing to me in order to hear yeah absolutely so talk about this. How do we give our kids a voice. I mean, because often we are the voice is apparent and we authoritatively want to you know lead them in a right way and yet there are times we need to give a voice in her other times we don't so there's gonna be wisdom there.
How do we give a voice we need to really be intentional about giving them a voice because we want kids that are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world. And so if were focused on silencing them so I think it begins with the mind change on our part. You know our children are separate from us. They're not always going to think like us, that can have different ideas and opinions and we want to create places, you know, maybe it's the dinner table where they can voice those opinions, you know we want to really affirm their creativity in how they express their voice. You know my husband was the pastor of this large church and we had Wednesday night programs you know back in the day you pry all had when we programmed to do right now so our kids would go to these Wednesday night programs. While my oldest was in third grade to. She was part of pioneer girls at the time.
You know Bethany was very athletic and pioneer girls. They wanted them to sell when she can stance the boys were getting more general time. Bethany and her friend Rod never forget.
This created a petition and they took it around all the fourth grade girls the third grade girls and the second grade girls and then they went very respectfully to the children's ministry director and presented the petition for why the girls needed more gym time now. You know, at first, Steve and I were like her.
Eight. What does this do I repeat the lead pastor but we realize know this is awesome because he did it in a respectful way is all yeah probably so they know they brought a proposal to the children's Street director. I think you know family dinners are great place to encourage your kids voice. Talk about faith issues, let them express their doubts because they slap their faith in order for it to be strong later and so I think there are some guiding principles really throughout the book, ask questions and give them opportunities to make choices don't make every choice for them. They need to make choices any need to own their choices. For better or for worse. I know the quote earlier book. I've never seen this quote and I was like wow I love this quote to because it really stuck out to me last night when I was reading your book being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable by David Augsburger is that heavy heavy quote like that combination of being heard. They feel love me will do what we do so at this same principle applies to marriage and it applies to your kids, you know unfortunately in our day and age you know we all didn't have to deal with this is much the whole technology piece shaping families right now you know because you have parents that are continually on their cell phone and we've all been guilty of it. Again, this is a guilt free zone. But you know where were scanning our email or you go to a park and you see all the mom is there and they're all on Instagram. The other kids are playing are you know and then during cold fed all my work report. Since they've had to work from home. Other kids are doing online learning in need of managing all that but we live in a very distracted society. But if your child's really can feel loved and connected to you. They have to feel hurt, and so we have to make sure were being intentional about opening those doors of communication you even talk about looking them in the eye, like making sure that they're seeing that you're looking at them.
I love the story in Luke 15 of the parable of the prodigal unit of that story for me personally is my all time favorite story that Jesus ever told because I grew up with a very abusive father email and so to see the actions of the father and not story with his son, who has really blown it and wasted the family inheritance ran off.
You know he's like the typical college freshman right partying you know it all is that it dawned on this kid. Hey, I should maybe get a job there is a profound thought.
And you know the kid gets a job slopping pigs and then he finally thinks I should go home and work for my dad that what's amazing about the story is the kid starts home and the father is outside scanning the horizon and I can hardly ever teach the story without crying back to me so much but that father lifts his robe and runs to that kid and throws his arms around that kid. This is a kid who has made his life and all, but he throws his arms around that kid. He's loving you and he's hugging him. He looks him in the line.
He says you're good at the moment my son not mice.
Such a powerful example of what God wants for us even in our parenting and when we look at our kids and our eyes light up to see. Then there's all the science it's been done that you are actually building your child's joy center with amazing capacity that God let you know I have little grandbabies and we look at that little grandbaby you're looking at them I in your eyes light up to see them holding their capacity to be able to return to joy later in life is that is amazing I'm thinking about that with each of our kids, our grandkids to really look them in the eye with little kids. This feels like are you kidding me. I jacking dinner and have just come home from my job. I'm exhausted. They're all running around. It's crazy.
There's homework to be done. There is yet this is the global assessment to stop for a minute to look in your kids eyes to tell them I see you and I love who you are and that is one of the greatest gifts that you will ever give to your kids, and I will add into your spouse yeah because I'm worse with Dave than I am with my kids.
My kid can come in like yeah but Dave can come in.
I can be like when we've all done that you brought up a good point because like when your kids are coming home and into the house looking excited to see that that's not the time to be on your phone right now like it looks him in the eye you know and you have the kids that are going to be like fine. You know, or whatever, and go through phases of the that for a while like it's no big deal, yes it's a big deal, right but I remember I remember it and when you look excited to see them. I mean, you and I know we all have grandkids right now. When they come to my house you know and they were run in that open door in there like you know what I like hugging them and picking them up and you know looking them in the eye, but there's a whole wealth of nonverbal language that happens then we can show our kids. We love them without really even using our words. Not that it's not important is man love you but you know hugging them and looking them in the eye and smiling. I remember in our home soon my girls it seems like the girls confront a little more than arsenic and all my stories are about them anyway you look angry. Angry.
You know I was probably like focused on some project so I literally went before the mirror, I mean this is on being very vulnerable here, but I literally went before the mirror the next day at school like practice smiling. He knelt like was my face look like what what messages I set Mimi's kids with my health.
But is it I mean it's a great thought like I constantly have my mind on something else ESN distracted. But, as you are saying that the thing that hit me was, as you talked about the prodigal.
Our father is always so happy to be with his heavenly father.
When we come to him. He smiling. It doesn't matter what you've done. He's always so glad that we've come into his. He's always welcoming us. That's a good reminder you know is you are talking on remembering walking in my house every day. Every day after school and left my little brother died early. You know, feeling unloved and I can remember walking in the back door from the driveway every single day. It is limited to those listening to you to moms talk to my mom stopped everything about me. Just me, look me in the set them for dinner and asked me about my day, every single day and I ran home because I felt seen unloved and heard she probably didn't know that Bible verse was she had wisdom, understanding and knowledge in just a minute or two, so I wanted to be home because I was loved and was loved because I was heard.
Yeah so I'm it's a perfect example of what the father looks like him. In my case it was a single mom, but to the parentless thing I'd say.
Today's your day no matter what. Yesterday was or how you have been parenting. I hope God spoke in such a way so you know, today I wanted to make sure my son or daughter feels heard. Yeah, I need to look them in the iPhone and let them talk and see where God takes you beautiful day. Some of our kids are an open book challenge to get them to talk to us, but there are children and there are seasons for all of our kids when they shut down or pull back of his parents.
We have to be shrewd, we gotta be wise in thinking about how we can draw them out.
That's what David and Wilson have been talking with Becky Harling about today. Becky has written a book called how to listen so your kids will talk and we want to make the book available to our family like today listeners this week. Those of you who can support the mission of family life today. Help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program, which is listen to every day by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world. If you can invest in the lives and marriages of those listeners by supporting the work of family life today would love to say thank you by sending you a copy of Becky's book again. It's how to listen so your kids will talk you can make a donation online@familylifetoday.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate again. Our website is family life today.com member called to make a donation is 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today, not tomorrow were going to talk about what we can do his parents to help our kids get in touch with what they're feeling and know the right words to use.
Sometimes they're not talking to us because they don't know what words to talk about how we can help with those parents tomorrow. Becky Harling will be back with us.
We hope you can be back with us as well on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. We will see you back next time for another edition of family life family like today is a production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most