Engaged and Blending

Okay, tell me your thoughts on the stats a ready highlights that I threw for 18 touchdowns.

Junior year that the stats they want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most kind and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today. Nontraditional families are the new traditional family US, Canada, most European countries.

Australia and New Zealand. Single-parent families, single adult households, cohabitating couples and blended families now outnumber traditional families and approximately one third of all weddings in America today are forming stepfamilies. My first thought is this a true really mean I'm not saying it isn't yet, I know it is true is shocking.

Use astounded.

I would not believe if you said that wasn't statistical as a no prove it. And now you just did with the data that's that is amazing and here's my thought as I read those stats I thought this is so important and yet I feel like we are in addressing this and talking about it enough in the church from the pulpit even like for our ministry of what were doing all we need to address this and really recognize and help families as they are dealing with one of the first think it might've been the first phone call I ever got from Mr. Ron deal if you remember, this runs in the studio with this today. If you're glad everybody and welcome. We love being with you. Thank you. I love being here. Yeah I don't know if you remember this but I did a message boy had to be 10 or 15 years ago at our church and I sort of apologized to the blended phone number you do is you found it or heard it. I get this call or email or text. I can remember in it was basically you know, I can't believe the pastors apologizes for this, but it was really the same feeling I had when you read the stats as I was na�ve and I felt bad all the couples in our church that sit there every week in I don't realize how they're hearing what I'm saying I'm talking to you know nuclear families with one husband and one wife is and I didn't even grow up in that family. That is why, predominantly taught to and there they are sitting and they are not just a minority. They're not even half there, the magician, now it's just crazy that this is the world we live in so so good to have you here.

I'm in many of our family life. Listeners know you're the director of blended family here family life you've written and spoken, and here's the thing about your new book.

But how many books have you read talk about that Ron will well okay so this is book 9 actually tell people is 9 1/2 because one of them.

I did a revised edition of it one point and it became 50% new song Domino at that in the not have books and probably close to wait about 15 or 16 resources. If you had video curriculum and small group studies in different things so they all and blended their own blended families yeah and so the office of the first question to be okay.

Do we need another one and I'm so glad you asked because you guys. I'm so excited about this book, preparing to blend in part because I feel like it's culminating this series. It is a book for engaged couples have written for dating single parents are trying to navigate that space and figure out what role their kids have in the dating process and how they make decisions about moving forward. We have a number then of books for people living in a stepfamily situation.

The smart stepfamily.

The smart stepmom smart stepdad books really get into the parenting and what it is to be in that role. A building love together blended families with Gary Chapman's all about applying his love language principles to bonding in a blended family and what's the wisdom behind that will book on finances to dig down into the nitty-gritty of stepfamily finances and how things are just unique and different.

There, but we didn't have a book for engaged couples. I got it yesterday I got an email from a woman who was calling for a book for engaged encouraging. She says I'm a biological mother of three stepmom of six.

My husband and I been married for nine years even after nine years.

She said yesterday, we realize that we went into this marriage with non-matched expectations. Another was what she thought and expected what he thought and expected and so she said we are going back and reading the smart stepfamily again, but we really think that there needs to be half book to help couples on the front end about to get married and I was like, guess what I mean. What a perfect email it to be your intro chapter.

I like you know the book is really a culmination of a lot of emails a lot of feedback from people and counseling that I've done for 25 years with families and I've done tons of pre-stepfamily counseling with couples and I've spent a lot of time talking with pastors through the years about what they do in their premarital work and you know there just is a need because geysers and There is a gap in what we offer in the local church to couples getting married when one or both of them is bringing children to the relationship so you're saying it's different because there's a lot of premarital detail out there but for the blended family. Is there anything out there in terms of pre-marriage. You know there's a few things that are kind of hard to put your hands on. But what there is not and I'm just I'm excited to share this with our listeners what there is not any sort of standard of how you go about doing premarital counseling. So let me just backup for listeners. This book is a do-it-yourself guide for couples they can just pick it up and on their own go through it and can you give themselves premarital counseling if you will, so they don't need that on tour.

They don't need one today though yes, absolutely. What is better than what I strongly encourage right in the introduction is connect with a pastor and mentor a lay couples somebody who will walk you through this premarital process and we have a leaders guide that is free PDF download for leaders who want to know how to structure their counseling sessions. Utilizing the book so it's this whole program if you will, on how to put to pre-blended family counseling but notice my language preblended family counseling. It's not premarital that's different is an here's the difference premarital counseling, you know, traditionally, is focused on the couple.

Because really, it's sort of like if you're thinking traditional family your thinking first marriage couple getting married. It's just the two of them haven't started life yet, and so criminal counseling is couple centric. If I could say that way. But when you're trying to prepare a couple to lead a family.

Kids are involved and sometimes the kids are five sometimes are 15 sometimes there are 35 right kids are adults and on their own and later in life. Some is getting married. So there's all sorts of scenarios and there's more people involved so you're not just preparing them for couple this is I like to say you're preparing them for family nests, and as it turns out we know we talked about this so much your own family life today. Couples get married and for a blended family because they fall in love with a person, but they divorce because they don't how to be a family and that's where the rubber meets the road, and if premarital counseling only talks to them about their husband-wife relationship and does not talk to them about parenting, about step parenting about working with a coparent in another home about managing loss or finances or those of the things that cause stress and ultimately deconstruct the couple's relationship and tear them apart. It's so interesting that you say that because I have friends that have entered into a blended family, whether it be through death or divorce and every one of those friends that I've talked to before the wedding thinking so much about the wedding as their kids because they feel like their kids at been through trauma and they're worried about them.

And so for you to address the whole family is pivotal to me it is. I mean that it really is. We've got to not just help the couple think about being in a couple we've got to help them strengthen their couple this yes and also engage their children around the realities that are coming and try to prepare the children and begin to create identity and I know I'm talking faster but you don't fundamentally what a blended family has to develop in order to be successful, long-term is a family identity, meaning you know what is her last name. You know, it's sort of like that's a really good metaphor, well you have one last name and we have a different lesson. Guess what that doesn't mean were not family, but it does mean we come from different places and were not naturally family we have to figure out a way to bond to create ritual and identity within our home and within our relationship swifter bring definition to those relationships. That is a journey if we can help families, adults and kids start that journey intelligently, intentionally, even before the wedding takes place.

It gives them momentum for life after the wedding, so as a couple family does this so is the whole family involved reading the keno you got step kids from interacting great question.

So here's the way it's structured.

The book is for the couple right and you can imagine a mentor somebody somewhere like yourselves doing premarital counseling a local church walking through the book with this couple, they're going to read a chapter each chapter talks about an important concept related to blended family living and then it's going to give them what I call a growing activity to give them something to do to actually put that into practice to implement the principles sometimes that includes the children some of the chapters 10 working growing activities. Sometimes it's just the couple working on it together. Sometimes they engage their children. Sometimes it's one child at a time. Sometimes it's a family group in the leaders guide will actually invite leaders. Hey, if you're comfortable inviting kids to come in with the couple and have sort of a family session. You can do some of this in your presence but you can also have the family do it between the sessions and then come to you and sit down with you and process out loud as a couple.

Here's what we heard from our children. Here's what we think it means, and then you can offer some guidance along the way I made you find that couples that are merging into a blended situation are they more motivated. You know, because sometimes when I when I've done premarital with a young couple, and maybe even older couple but they've never been married. This part is time you sit there as the leaders are there not listen. They think it's easy they you know we thought the same thing, but you're like okay I'll talk to him six months then there can be like oh my goodness. We need help, but I'm guessing a blended situation. They know better, depends on the back story. Yeah, there's a thing we call idealistic distortion prepare enrich profile you can give a couple the profile and it actually measures how unrealistic they are about future in the relationship and that distortion idealism skews their views about the strength of the relationship that you can measure the couples forming blended families have lower idealistic distortion. They have already learned something in life you have about relationships and family and not everybody entering a blended family. You can imagine a future stepparent who's never had in kids and never been married before. They don't have the same experience as their partner does not. Somebody has been through the death or divorce or a serious breakup of a relationship that had children connected to it. And so somebody's got some life experience. Many times these couples are in their mid-50s early 60s definitely life experience and so no they're not na�ve, but even though they are less idealistic, they are still na�ve about the process of becoming a family so the assumption is hey I know more about marriage. I've learned what not to do right know from the last relationship would not to do. I've learned a few things. It's going to be different or had a great first marriage ended in the death of my spouse. I deftly want more of that. I have an idea of what marriage looks like and what it requires of me, but they're only thinking and focused on couple this it to your point, and they may be mindful of their children, but they really don't know how to include them in the process to to dialogue with them. Maybe they kind of say what you guys thinking how you feeling about this and the kids give a little something back and sometimes adults hear it better than the kids are really saying it so they discount. Oh yeah they'll be fine once were all live in the same house and you know it all beak and so there's still this minimal is Asian of the process and the journey of becoming a family together. They can't live in that space because if they do, then it's sort of like to get blindsided quickly after the wedding and I like what happened. I mean if there's one email I've gotten through the years, more than anything, it's what anybody tell us that some of these challenges were coming and so it's like yeah let's tell them talk about it, let's prepare for that and let's take the sting out of it so that when it happened you go David Antal is about that. Now I know what that is that we know what to do about it.

That's a totally different experience and it is in some ways it's surprising because your thinking will. They've been through this once or twice or more. There's no way they're going to be na�ve, but it's still going to happen a little bit like your say like you are thinking your two sons that have kids before they had kids were trying to jump, you have no idea way. You know, and it can't be that.

And then they have another like we had no idea with a blended couple getting married your thinking they know what you're saying they still don't know complete. So here's a question whether they need to know what are the things that they're still blind to forceful me just say this gap, talked about yeah pretty First role. Statistically almost half of all couples get some sort of premarital education on if you knew that it's it's a that's a high number I think.

Yeah, and most of them get that premarital education from some religious institution the church or synagogue or something, but it's about 25% or less of pre-blended family couples get any sort of premarital counseling so number one it's a huge gap just in terms of what they get.

Number two. Those who do go to their local church and pastor and say hey can we have premarital counseling. They probably get the same thing most of them that the 25 and 26-year-old first-time married couple without children are getting and its couple centric and it's filled with good stuff their learning skills on how to manage conflict and manage money in some elementary things like that but they are not learning anything about the blended family dynamic and the stressors that they're going to have to face once reality comes in. So obviously you don't want to give them the same thing different dynamic right.

What are the kind of things they have to have their eyes open okay so let me just run through some of the chapters. For example, chapter 1, when I have him go online and create a digital genogram of their family which is a a map and there's a new tool that's available.

A partner with the organization and so people can go and do that online for very cheap and they're going to get a picture of their family. Children. The other households. All the adults and there to get a sense of the relationship temperatures. If we could put it that way going on between those relationships between children and dad in the other home and children and future stepdad dating. Mom says this digital map it is and it prints out, and it gives in the snapshot and one of the first time you want to do that sound like fun yeah Avenue genograms with families for years and years and years and now you can do it online and here's the thing.

A lot of people look at that and they go oh wow, there's four households connected our family. There's look at all these adults look at all these children look at all these the movement between homes all look my daughter has great relationships with those three people and really tough ones with these two people. I wonder what that's like for her and so it forces all these things to the surface where you begin to ask questions and you begin to ponder and you can think together.

How do we help plan how do we prepare not just for us but for my daughter have most blended families never done that almost families have known I was going to say I don't know many families that have really done just I was asking because when we first did it and what our third year marriage where at seminary counseling class. I did never heard of agenda genogram. You know, and so we did one in it's the lightbulb. Just like look at this alcohol well at there's patterns look at this pattern generations going from grandpa to this generation to my dad and now wow no wonder I think about alcohol and then you added blended aspect and I'm trying to merge a new family that is critical to understand the airport I like we are messed up. This sense of doom like I don't know but it also awakened me to all.

Now I see. And there you go.

That's what were doing for these blended families were just helping them anticipate and think through what's going to be happening. What you're really creating here see so many people define their family as spouse to spouses and how many kids right and so when you say who's in your family. They often go well, it's me, it's her and he's here, the children and blended family. Couples tend to do the same thing but the reality is from a kids point of view, it's me, it's her, it's the kids, and it's the other households other parent and their new spouse, and if the other households other parent and their new live-in cohabiting spouse and then grandparents with the cohabiting and with the former, and that you now we have eight sets a gram. That's the reality and all of a sudden the you know that's the stuff you're going to navigate on holidays and birthdays in establishing rituals and traditions in your home. Let's start now anticipating that rather than going at the first birthday after the wedding on how well I never thought about how we gonna do this now let's get out in front of it. So that's an example we talk about expectations we talk about planning your wedding, which I'd love to come back to a little bit. We talk about deciding what to call each other like terms and games are you my stepmom are you my bonus mom do I call you White yeah referred to you is that. And by the way, I kinda like to call you mom but if I do I think my mom will throw a fit so I better not call you that whole conversation needs to happen at some point, don't just assume those labels are gonna be easy for people to figure out. I say have a conversation and co-create something everybody is okay with can live with and that gives you a foundation to begin building your relationships. That's the kind of stuff for doing this but words about parenting. We talk about grief and and and and how weddings resurrect grief all yeah we talk about anticipating change and what will change having a conversation with kids about it up here to be going to a new school where we live in a different house is going to take us 25 minutes longer to get you to school in the morn.

That means you have to get up earlier like those of the little things that are the truth about merging homes and the reason that's important is because if you as a kid in particular have had a series of unwanted changes in your life and then all of a sudden somebody says you gotta get up 45 minutes earlier than you used to get up that'll just be the straw that breaks the camel back for some kids if they didn't see that coming, and they can't speak into it but if we get out in front. We help anticipate, we make it a family discussion. How are we gonna deal with these realities together. All of a sudden kids have a little bit of power that they didn't have otherwise. And that makes a big difference in how the family moves forward. What difference I should know this.

This premarital mentoring counseling have on a marriage in obviously. What difference is he gonna make a blended family. I'm so glad you asked, because we know premarital counseling works. Couples who go through premarital counseling show a 30% increase in the quality of their overall relationship immediately. Couples who went through premarital counseling have a 31% decrease chance of getting divorce year-over-year from couples who never had counseling couples go through premarital counseling. Do better on 80% of the measures of relationship satisfaction and quality than couples who don't go through.

It works why Ron like those statistics are pretty important. Why does it work, what helps us, it works for the same reason.

Family life exists. We help people get intentional with their walk with the Lord and how they walk it out in their most intimate relationships pursuing the things that matter most right is that what we say. That's how we want to help people do and we do that with intentionality and and so were building emotional and spiritual intelligence in the people and how they love one another. That's essentially what premarital counseling to us and it makes a difference. So this isn't the Army's like I want to say bun families go get it, but it is just blended families because if I want to help someone I want to go get it as well and have a resource. Literally my hand to be able to me what a great tool and as you said, it's it's it's a companion tool to our own prepare for marriage or family life about that real quick just so preparing for marriage is about this been around a long time family life has really put a lot into that that book and it too is a kind of do-it-yourself guide for couples, but leaders have a guide allows them to walk a couple through the whole process. This book preparing to blend is a sister book to that their co-companions. If you want to say it that they're just designed for a different audience. There a blended family.

That's right blended family. So if you're a pastor or a leader right now you can have a tool for every couple of walks in the door.

Whether it's a first marriage situation or a blended family by the way to said first marriage and it reminded me another stat did you guys know 15% of all first marriages give birth to a blended family that is a new stat that I'm sharing it with everybody I can't because I think we have this narrative in our heads about, you know, divorce and remarriage and yes sometimes it's somebody who's widowed, but increasingly in our culture. First marriages are given birth to plenty families because one of the adults has a child that was a child born out of wedlock with another parent that they are not married to, or never was never married to 15% is a lot right and if one of the two adults is over the age of 30 or 30 or above it jumps to 25% of first marriages for blended families. This is going to be increasingly something that churches have an opportunity to step in and make a difference in somebody's life and if premarital counseling in general works. Imagine targeted designed for blended family premarital education for this couple whose walking and who just doesn't know what they don't know and you gently lead them into the space and help them to be intentional in ways they never would have anticipated.

Next thing you know there often run the momentum has started even before the wedding has occurred help couples drive in marriage and if premarital preparation is part of how you accomplish that increasingly is run deal has just said we have got to know about the unique challenges facing couples who are forming a blended family, whether it's the kind of first marriage. He was talking about or couples will been previously married coming together to form a new family. Ron has a book that addresses the subject called preparing to blend it's brand-new and we got copies of it in our family life today resource Center. You can go online to get your copy or call one 800 FL today. There is also an event coming up in two weeks with people from all around the country are going to gathering in suburban Atlanta, Georgia for a two day conference called the summit on stepfamily ministry on the theme this year is prepare helping couples prepare for forming a blended family. So that's where the focus will be if you're involved in family ministry local church.

If you have somebody at your church who heads up family ministry. Let them know about this event. If you got a heart for couples and want to be used by God in their lives doing premarital preparation for couples who are forming blended families plan to attend yourself. All the details are available online@familylifeto.com. You can go there for more information. The dates are October 14 and 15th that's a Thursday and Friday. Again, it's in the Atlanta area but there can be people coming from all across the country for this two-day event can find out more@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today. If you have any questions, and use that same information. If you'd like to get a copy of run deals new book, preparing to blend call one 800 FL today or go online@familylifetoa.com, you know this subject and this upcoming event really is tied directly to what we're all about at family life. Our mission is that every home would become a godly home. What ever the circumstances that are bringing you together as husband and wife as you're raising your kids.

Our goal is that your family would continually be pointed back toward Jesus and the gospel what the Bible has to say about building strong relationships and strong families and those of you who are not just family like today listers, but who help support this ministry. You make all of this possible through your financial support and your prayers for us here at family like to thank you to those of you who have given in the past and if you're a regular listener and you've never made a donation.

Let me invite you to join the team and helping family like today possible. Going into the future help pay it forward. You can donate today online@familylifetothe.com or call one 800 FL today and we just want to say thanks in advance for supporting this mission on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of couples were helped every day here at family life. Thank you for making it all possible, and we hope you can join us again tomorrow run deal will be here again we can continue looking at the issues that couples were forming blended families need to be thinking about before they say I do hope you can be here for that on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life helping you pursue the relationships that matter most