Ann’s Parenting Mistakes

I'm so excited today by specific because we get the dog about and Wilson's top parenting misstep.

How exciting it is for me because we very you know we dog what might it's always my mistakes.

It's like never today and will soon make a a mama sign made so many and I shared them in our book. I could go on for days. Though I shared them in our book, and there's a chapter in no perfect parents that we wrote.

I wrote you did write this chapter was a top parenting mistakes that I made you do right and that's because we were not a words by that point. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and Wilson and I'm Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life.

This is family life today. The publishers that we can only have so many words that I'm excited before going to hear that, actually, and in you know as a mom.

You made some is that it's organ to dive into that actually before we do, though, I want to tell you about something that's really exciting as I know you like us as parents you make mistakes you have questions. We always have questions and we have something to help you with your questions.

It's called US that the no perfect parents addition babies got terrible to see you know your deal with that are kind of figure out if your son or daughter should have a cell phone or how about dating yet or should we allow sleepovers yeah you got it. So here's where you go go to family life.com/parents ask and there's a free printable download there of answers to those kind of questions that really help you because we want to help you and that's what were about so you can go there even right now and get some answers your questions. I'll tell you again for my life.com/parents ask okay let's talk about some mistakes that you feel like you made as a mom, let me first say that you know I think that we can kick ourselves and we can have a lot of regrets in parenting and let's just start by saying thank you Jesus that you gave us do a verse that the cross gives us grace and that we can be forgiven for the mistakes that we've made, but I do have some mistakes and regrets that I want to share because I want to help other moms. Maybe they let me ask you this is you start do you feel like the mistakes you made are things that really messed up our kids for life. I surprise you have to think about that. Well, I mean I can think that I command that's my fault when I see my adult kids struggling I can actually think I can I do that I think it's one of our biggest fears is apparent you know you're going to end up derailed because of some of the mistakes we made as parents. But we have also prayed like all the Lord don't let him remember these mistakes, you know. Help them to forget the things that I failed and the good news is Jesus is enough and God is enough and we've asked forgiveness for my kids and they have forgiven us multiple times know the words we've had to apologize. Yes since the day we made some mistakes and so mom really are in their adult years things that they still struggle with and it wasn't easy always for them to forgive us, who right yeah yeah so is talk about okay, here's the first one that I really regret this, and I didn't know that I was doing it I felt like I yelled at my kids when they were little and didn't seem like it was a part of me. I think some parents here listening to that you think what you yelled-never healed at my kids and others of you are thinking of course you yell that's what we do because they can drive us crazy at times, so it's not just that I yelled.

But the thing that I regret is the reason I think I yelled when they were really little was it was displaced anger and frustration about our marriage. So somehow this comes back to here so the reason you are kids is because of me. That's what I just are.

I think that I lack and we let our marriage slip. I did, I'm gonna take full responsibility because I really feel like all these regrets go together.

I feel like I put our kids first, and I didn't mean to just hard as a mom to not put your kids first because they're so demanding and their needs are so great, especially when their little and I found myself resentful that you weren't helping more or resentful that you were gone and I felt like everything around here know if any of you moms have done this that are married but I would find myself in my head a lot really degrading you complaining about you in my head about me and Mike's. I don't know if I did it as much, but I know I did it and I do know we talked about this. I did feel second. Yeah, you know, like the boys were first and I know it took a lot of time and energy and you are exhausted, especially in their babies and toddlers and sometimes I like them more than I like you because I was resentful that you are gonna live by me. I just wonder how many husbands feel that way.

I know I felt it. I don't feel it.

Now there are times I can feel it now, even with the grandkids. They're pretty important, but I do remember of it out of you member the summer your dad being up at our house and he sorta said that you know your credit rating. This is name is Dick Baird and Dick and I had never talked about this, but were sitting at the dinner table and he just makes his comment. When you were eating and I had made a nice meal for everybody and my dad said wow sorry for today and he said you treat your kids way better than you treat days.

I was so defensive and I said all my goodness, dad that because mom spoiled you rotten you are, like the king, and she was like the doormat. I said that to them. I was so mad and I said I am not treating Dave poorly and he just said okay all I know is I love that man. At the moment.

Like I can't believe he's saying that because like I said we never talked about it but he have obviously noticed something well. I remember going to bed at night and praying and this is a great part of God. He's such a good father and he's a gentle father, but he's a truthful father and I prayed that night I said, Lord, if that's true, like I know that Dave and my marriage is supposed to come first. So if that's true, I pray that you would reveal that to me like just I don't know give me assignments and they say something show me in the word Larry did say something that I needed confirmation and so on.

Oh yeah I remember this to sort of fun. Just a few days later, this letter came in the mail from my dad.

I had never at that point received a letter in my life from my dad and I thought this is crazy why would my dad be writing me and I opened this letter and it's one of those old Ann Landers newspaper clippings, and in this newspaper clipping a man writes into Ann Landers not knowing what to do because his wife treats his kids so much better than him, and then Ann Landers goes on. I'm not saying that he sees the end all you know, she's not like I don't know where she is spiritually.

But she says this is a real temptation to so many women you know to treat your kids better than your husband but but we need to put our marriages first and I put that clipping down and I just kind of said Lord.

This is really from you and I really think it was and it was a real eye opening experience for me that I felt like I was really speaking to me then so you're saying the part of your frustration with the kids was really an extension of your frustration with me. Yeah I was frustrated with you I was frustrated that we didn't have enough time together. Frustrated that I think you are helping as much and so I would just yell I be frustrated with the boys more. It's really easy to be in our heads and complaining in our heads.

We might not be verbally speaking it out loud, but it starts in our heads. Proverbs 23, seven says, for as a man thinks in his heart so is he.

Matthew 1518 says the words you speak come from the heart and so I was thinking about that this one day as I was folding clothes. I did this a lot I'm folding clothes, and I'm complaining about my marriage, and often he should be doing this and I wish he was with the boys more and I felt this knowledge I had this thought in my spirit. Wonder what would happen if you would pray for Dave as much as you complain about that stopped me. I stop folding clothes and I just… I just had at night. I really thought like I marriage would probably be a lot different because what I was thinking in my head. It eventually came out of my mouth with our kids and with you.

So what happened I don't know you think I got better. I know you better. I don't know when I do know I can't remember long time ago.

It was a process and it was another time that is so gracious that time I mowing the grass and then were going let me just of the listener just with you are mowing the grass days that mowing the grass. Your kids are mowing the grass you mom and wife are mowing the grass that I got old enough to mow the grass. They were old enough, but I was that I got all that I actually did mow the grass but I gotta be honest you love mowing.

Well that's what happened was mowing the grass, thinking I have to do everything around here and suddenly I had this thought and I feel like it was a nudge from Holy Spirit and I felt like I had this thought of. Do you like mowing the grass and then I was answering myself. I love mowing the grass and then the thought came than what you complaining about, and was like you see how I feel like there is an enemy of our soul who is continually maybe I don't know if this happens, but I feel like she's whispering these thoughts into my head, complaining and then it's like this little scene and will I water it and let it germinate to sprout, because God is saying, take your thoughts captive because what we think will say so would you say to the mom and the wife that's struggling right now. The same thing you are there, complaining about their husband. He doesn't do enough is not home. You know whatever could be similar to ours and she's really taken it out on the kids as well, and I may add, like I never harmed our kids were never hit our kids. I was not even verbally abusive with RK really didn't yell.

Now I cannot raise your voice. I would say to start listening to your thoughts like what he thinking about in terms of your marriage or relationship what's going into your mind, and I would also say put on praise music. Start your day by saying, gotta give you my day. Help me to see my husband and my kids the way you do and help me say the things that you would say to my husband and my kids that's really helped me and the other thing I would do is my next regret well of me before your next grid I would just said this is I think back about those days. I did feel second to the kids but I also feel like I did not bring the energy that I should have two helping you as a mom to be your partner in as a dad. Of course I was there but I wasn't there a lot and even when I was there and I didn't bring my full self. I wasn't fully present.

My mind was still at work or I was on the phone, or I just wasn't fully present and so part of me is like you should've been mad because I wasn't helping is if I could go back and I want to say to the.

The dad has been right now.

Step up dude step up and be her partner again mom's listening.

Don't just now pass it all on him. Yes, really to say see that's what I need to hear, but I would just say to the guys. Man oh man, you have a window of time that these kids are in your home and your wife need you and they need you. And it's easy to step back and say oh she thinks the kids are more important and sometimes is because were not helping.

If we step up and help serve to tell you what it did ignite something in you for me right, yeah. It's like, man. He's my partner he's with me in this thing.

He's not just providing but he's actually being a partner at a dad and a leader. Okay, that's one mistake I wish that I would've had older women in my life that could speak into me and mentor me and I did have older women that I didn't have any in close proximity to me. I had peers alongside of me and but honestly what happened is we would get together and we would be like. So how are you doing and then we would have this complaining session about how our lives are so hard. Our work is so hard our husbands aren't helping as much and we tried to be accountable, but there's something about going to an older woman who can really speak truth to you. I would say that up and I can remember going to our speaker retreats for the weekend to remember conferences where all the speakers would gather and we would kind of do training and kinda catch up with everyone and Barbara Rainey was always there, and so is Susan Yates older moms in the stage ahead of me and I would sit down at the table with them and like okay here are my questions. Here's what's going on and I would just don't a lot of stuff and get phenomenal answers, but I wish I had somebody maybe that I would meet with once a week or call once a week somebody that could say I hear you, and maybe speak some truth to me like an this isn't about Dave.

This is about your walk with God or just some simple truth and somebody say I hear what you're saying.

I know you're venting.

Now let's really pray and ask God to give you direction.

So how would you encourage a mom to find that woman because you know, obviously, I agree. I can remember doing the family life weekend. Remember in Hershey, Pennsylvania with Bob Lapine and Dennis Rainey and us.

Yeah, in we had a dull kids and they were married and he had Saturday night when the couples went out on the day we went back to the hotel room with Bob and Dennis and we started talking about being parents of married children and in-laws and it was just like oh my goodness it was so good they shared wisdom yeah struggles, highs and lows. It was like were talking to somebody who's a little farther ahead of us and we've always said in discipleship. You need somebody in front of you. Somebody beside you and somebody behind you right every disciple needs a Paul Barnabas in a Timothy somebody that can help them there. A little further down the track and they can mentor and guide somebody beside you that sharpens and then somebody behind your porn into so you're saying that about a mom how do you find that while we didn't have that one of the reasons, and this should be an excuse. I should've gone and found a person but we started our church and we were some of the oldest people and I think we had one couple that was older and that was it. So I think the way to do it is one your church. I think there's older moms older women that have been through it and maybe they're not perfect. None of them are actually but have a lot of wisdom I would be so bold, it just to ask for that.

I know that a lot of churches have a mops group, moms of preschoolers and that can even go to an older age, there are churches that have a lot of these kind of things and so if you find a mom and you think, and she's been through it or she's just a stage ahead of me. Call or text or ask or hate can I text you or could we get together once in a while for coffee.

I remember when the boys are really really little again were starting a church.

I do know how to be a dad never really had an example, I would literally look for teenagers that I hope our kids would be like when they were teenagers. I remember them find their dad say can I buy you lunch again. Every guy said sure is live by once a free lunch. So I take about an out asking questions and they mentored me yeah and so mom stayed in my life for years as a mentor so I mean it.

In some ways it's on a house to go ask and I remember asking Barbara one summer I said our kids and Steve were there just hitting each other. The three boys. I feel like it's insane at our house and she kinda shook her head. Oh yeah, that's just a stage now. It'll get better and just took off all this pressure that I was doing something wrong and I can also remember asking her hey so are always are to get married soon. Any advice and I'll never forget that.

She said all you have daughter-in-law's coming and it takes several years years. I remember Susan Yates saying all it could be 5 to 7 years until that adjustment. Feels a little more comfortable, then you know we mentioned it earlier in the broadcast. But this would be a great chance to go to family life.com/parents ask and let us be a mentor to you and the family life of me that's what were here to do that help you so you can do that okay were talking about the mistakes that in Wilson's aid as a mom, we've Artie covered a couple we got time maybe for one more our son was going to a Bible school and he called me and he said you not really been struggling. I've really been getting in my past junk and I'm like okay yeah and he said in mom, I feel like you so often cared more about what I was doing right or wrong in high school and middle school like you didn't care about my heart is much as if I was getting in trouble or not, which then made me think.

You care more about your image or you care more about my heart that one was really hard and he said you know like I messed up sometimes in high school and I would say all of our kids and say this you are so scared that we would mess up. You are so scared he goes why were you so scared and I said I thought it was because I didn't want you to suffer consequences, and maybe it was because I cared what people thought of us and our family and honestly just my parenting and I asked him what do you wish I would have done anything I eat. You're so close to me. You knew us and you can see when we were struggling. I wish that you would have asked me what's going on in my heart more instead of what you doing what you do last night.

Are you struggling with porn are you doing stuff with your girlfriend and I didn't ask it like that but I think that's how they heard it and I don't know if he would've had her they would've had the capacity to say what was going on in their hearts, but I wish I would've just dug down a little deeper and asked that and even after that, I think I was a little bit defensive in like well you know as a mom. It is scary and I stopped and I just said okay.

I just need to say I'm really sorry I you're right.

I was petrified of hearing stories of kids that have done things that had really wrecked their lives and I was really scared that you guys could fall into that.

But Jesus is bigger than that in please forgive me and they were great.

Mike they've all been really great with forgiving us and me, and I think God that they're dealing with that and that they have come to me and said those things to tell you what we've had several conversations like that with her sons over dinner table or on the phone and recently we said there was our youngest son, Cody, and he shared some of the his thoughts on parenting and some of the things he's actually said to us, you get to hear some of the things we did that were hard for him. He was honest with us, and we recorded our conversation and I think it would be really really helpful for parents to listen from the perspective of a son. And that's only found on our family life And so you go there, listen to a conversation I think it will be life-changing. Maybe it's something you want to listen to is one of your kids and I would really encourage you as parents like sit down with your kids and is there sharing really listen I can think about our middle schoolers are high schoolers the temptations the struggles the pressure they feel they feel incredible pressure to perform, to have friends to know, like how do I live the Christian life when it feels like it's going the opposite way of culture they have so much that there feeling in dealing with. I think that we need to really dig down and asked some some great questions and then try not to parent out of fear I would just say to the moms and it's it's hard to do but every decision, your son or daughters making is based on a reason there's something behind that behavior that's driving that in what we learned as we sort of missed going for the heart right and by the way, every decision we make same thing. There's a reason so as a parent, man, do the extra work to lean in and say what you make… I love what are producer Jim Mitchell says to his kids. He usually says like tell me how your heart is and I love that like all I wish I had it done that I can. That's a great question. Has your heart doing so it could be homework. Yeah, for some parent today tonight. Sit down, go to lunch, take your son or daughter to dinner and really listen for their heart and live the life she had and let's thank God for the grace of the cross that Jesus offers us forgiveness and he offers us do overs and he loves us regardless of what we've done or said or what weakness he's there for us. It is so easy for us as parents to be focused on our children's behavior we want them to act right. We want them to behave and yet, as David and Wilson were saying it's really the heart that matters. That's where our focus needs to be, as we are raising our children, and then we need to remind ourselves of the grace of God for the mistakes that all of us will make there are no perfect parents but that's the title of David and Wilson's new book, no perfect parents ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting. We have copies of their book available in our family love to the resource center.

We also have a small group series for moms and Deb's go through with other moms and dads. It's called the art of parenting and it's a six part series that helps you get to the core of the key issues we all face as parents find out more about the book no perfect parents and the art of parenting video series for small groups go to family life to the.com.

If you buy both of those together today are available for a special price. Again, go to family life to the.com for more information. Order from us online or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today, we got David Robbins was the person of family life here with us and David, I know you and Meg are raising your four kids right now what I know as parents you're always looking for resources.

Things like the book that they will and Wilson have just written no perfect parents know you. We are in the thick of it and the great thing about Dave and and in the book that they are written as of the always come from a really honest place. There's no posturing there's no prescriptive ways that it all goes about there's honesty and honesty that is met with the truth found in the word of God and how those two things meet in real life. What I say about the Wilson's often is, they are like Sherpas who have been there before, but then they journey with you. Again, they take you to a place that you haven't been yet and they're not just talking down from the mountaintop out you directly with you still in the trenches, yet taking you to a place that they have seen before, and I'm just so grateful for them in our own lives and I'm really thankful that their part of the team. I'm thankful that you get to hear from them every day who they are when it comes to bringing biblical truth and how that meets in everyday life and helping you pursue the relationships that matter most is one of the biggest reasons why I'm so grateful their part of the team and that you get to hear from them every day and I think this is the first time I've heard them referred to a Sherpas, but I like to fixed it like you David thanks to those of you who make the ministry of family like today possible by supporting us financially.

You are the ones who are providing the help of the hope for so many people so many couples all around the world through your financial supports were grateful for, and we've got to wrap things up this week. Thanks for joining us. Hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend and hope you can join us back on Monday when Dave and Ann Wilson to talk about what we do to strengthen our marriage in the middle of challenging times, and whether it's personal challenges or the kind of challenges we've all faced as a country over the last couple years. How do we build a stronger marriage in the midst of that environment that comes up Monday hope you could be with us for that on behalf of our hosts stable and Wilson on bubble pain. We will see you Monday for another edition of family life, family life, helping you pursue the relationships matter most