I Can’t Do This Anymore

So in the middle of that season we decided to take this date night Mary date afternoon lines and cherry picked me up at the hospital, but I got into the car and looked at him and he said you said 1215 and that was 10 minutes ago.

Immediately, I jumped into this. What is this well how it was actually it.

I was triggered right away and finally through the tears. I just yanked the ring off my finger and threw it at his feet and said there you have it.

I don't want it anymore. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Andre Wilson.

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We thought were the most broken and messed up, especially pastor year and the pastor at the time.

Starting this church and we really were broken and I told you. Like I have nothing left like I'm done. I've got nothing and then we heard a story a book comes out by Tony Newhall call before you split.

You know it's interesting, I did know Tony as well as I knew her husband Carrie knew Hoffman many of our listeners will recognize Kerry's name as a podcast or author pastor either silly things I could say about Carrie, but you know what today is not about Carrie today is about Tony is the author of this book and first of all you guys welcome to family life today.

Thanks. Were thrilled to join you yeah good to be with you guys.

I consider you friends, you know, even though you're all the way up in the north in Canada but man oh man, you know, for years Kerry's note about our church tended to know about Carrie and watch what he had done, but I didn't know a lot about your marriage until Tony wrote this book before you split find what you really want for the future of your marriage and is in and I started opening this up in reading it. We were like oh my goodness, your story is so similar in terms of the struggle that you experienced in the first 10, 15 years your marriage as well.

It mirrored ours and in a huge way. Tony you are a family law mediator and a former divorce attorney and cohost of the smart family podcast so I stop right there and take weight your former divorce attorney so you've heard a lot of stories you know we thought ours was isolated and working to hear your story in a minute but that's really interesting for me reading your book coming from your background. Have you heard a lot of stories hello so many heartbreaking heart-wrenching stories. Unfortunately, the stories I heard didn't end up the way Carrie's and mine dead and you are is dead. Thankfully, you know, we were able to go from that bad to really this great and by the grace of God I believe.

But yes, I've I've heard so many stories and so many pitfalls that are that are very common in marriage and when they're happening to you think that you know you are in a very small minority. The reality is there's lots of common pitfalls that people face and and as you you've written about, you know, there are ways to get through some of those pitfalls will take us back to I get I think was your 15 and it's interesting that it had something took place in of the car as well basically tell us your story or listeners, but I don't know. We want to hear the good and the bad and the ugly, and all the all the good it was ugly.

Well Carrie and I were in the middle of this season that was rocky. We were having a lot of problems getting through various issues, but I think one of the fundamental underlying problems was that we had different styles of resolving conflict.

Our communication was so broken that we just Circling around and around in this vicious cycle of conflict, but we we couldn't seem to move through it and our date nights had become more like fight nights, so this one week. We decided okay, let's try to shake things up and will go for it for a date. At lunch, rather than Friday evening. Okay, so give us a little background of what was going on in your lives. At that time, you have two sons were they born at that time. Yes, so our sons were in middle school.

Carrie was leading the local church.

I was working at a local hospital on the leadership team. So we had a full life.

The kids were involved in activities I was heavily involved in church as well. Really fast so there was pressure.

I did not keep up with the fastest growing church in her nomination largest denomination the country, so it was just a lot of pressure work in you know for us just to give you the prequel to the story. I'm sure your motel tone. There was no fair there was no like it wasn't like oh something horrible had happened. It was a slide over a decade and a bit from getting along great.

Being in love to just drifting apart more conflict just sort of this pervasive Paul over our relationship so wasn't like there was this cataclysmic event that happened that ruined everything know there wasn't. It was just to drift into a really unhappy relationship yeah I would say very lots of dead and the problem is when you've had problems with conflict and it goes on, over time, and you don't have those issues resolved are the communication issues resolved. Then it gets layered on top of hurt on top of the fence it's like there is over a wall being built, so Carrie and I were in the midst of that season and not at the point where we had started to double down and gain some insight into what was going on but we were trying our best to may think that we both really wanted our relationship to work. We were both so frustrated and hurt and there.

There was this frustration and anger that would simmer under the surface and then that the smallest thing could cause it to erupt again. So in the middle of that season we decided to take this date night date afternoon lunch and Carrie picked me up at the hospital, but I got into the car and looked at him and he said you said 1215 and that was 10 minutes ago so I don't think that's a very good excuse so I immediately became defensive. I started out on time. Somebody stop me in the hall was that a risk issue connected with the project that I was already involved in, and they needed my opinion and so they couldn't wait for a couple of hours for me to come back for lunch.

But the issue was whence I sat down and saw the look on Carrie's face then immediately I jumped into this. What is this well now it was actually I was triggered right away. And so it took me in and in no time. I was already in tears and the explanation wasn't going to work and I was silent and zoned out and Carrie was saying well what about our lunch and what's what happened to that. Are we still going and finally through the tears. I just yanked the ring off my finger and threw it at his feet and said there you have it. I don't want it anymore and we were one more layer of stock so let me ask you, here you are like you're in the car. Tony was it typical. You said you kind of shut down a little bit and is that what happened, typically in your relationship. If the conflict would arise.

Yeah, that was a pattern for me that when I reached the point of those big, you know, frustrated or triggered emotions. Then I would typically came to learn to associate so I would just go off into my own world. It was like I was there was a veil between me and the world we now understand that that was set a defense mechanism that evolved out of my childhood experiences but then it was this mighty picture of you know, I'm just trying to keep the peace. I don't want to go any further with what's happening here. The way I would experience it. And there's always what you think is going on the other person experience out experience. She was very angry and membership so you would get very frustrated very angry at me and soon a rip in the ring off her finger and whipping it on the floor and knows that the wall would go and I would tend to be my anagram type of money one pays any attention. So, I will fight hot I will go for it. I will drive a truck through will be like we need to get to the bottom of this. Now, you would just be completely shut down.

At that point and like you said triggered somebody once said it this way that I find Haughton 25 school so I would be like not working ago were to get this in over both lawyers by background.

I love the courtroom you preferred a more conciliatory environment so I don't mind. Like I can smell the jugular. Let's go there, that's my personality, so I'm like, let's get to the bottom of this. Right now it's hash it out and you're like you just don't will carry here you are in the car. Tony takes off her ring was on the floor yeah I don't know you better memory of that than me. I think it shocks me. I mean okay guys think you know what I thought I thought I sacrifice it cost me knows that a guy thing to come to my rescue is expose myself on national radio and I've spent money on that I sacrifice okay messed up. You guys are seeing to cost me to replace the marriage in our kids and you guys are thinking of the money. Gary said you know your marriage was sliding over. The years did you realize where you were. It was a wake-up call for me. Yeah, it's like you know we used to live on a Major St. in Toronto now or in the country.

The loudest thing is the birds, but We Slow Major St. in Toronto and eventually to note the traffic you just don't hear right people live near freeway would have that experience as a wooden hero who were students living in Toronto now if I did that I would hear it immediately.

I think there was so much noise in a relationship that conflict was normal. The disagreement was normal that resentment and contempt were they just became normalized and there would be outbursts on a semi regular basis like Tony will be frustrated because it wasn't just her that was late for me. I went to the show up. It was a family event on time, but work would keep me late for 30 sorry this thing ran late. I'll be home at six. All judges for the kids dinner I'll grab it after like that happened way too often in my life at that time so I think it just yeah it was like a wake-up call was a defining moment, but it felt like one more thing, I didn't know how to deal with this, like right now are being dramatic about it now and tell you what were you feeling at that point you when you took off that ring were you thinking I'm done really yeah it was one of the questions in my mind. Certainly it was you know I had to grapple with that question of is this what the end looks like.

And it was very confusing to be in that place. I think many people can identify with this confusion. If you've ever reached the place of really being disillusioned in your marriage or ambivalent. It feels like damage control no matter what direction you turn in you know if I stay then and my just signing up for a lifetime of this kind of misery. But if I go then we have to deal with all that the consequences of splitting, especially if you have kids, so it's very confusing. I stayed stuck in that place for quite a long time.

I would say probably the moment. Thinking back to it felt like one more tactic. 1 More Way to get my attention grind me down rather than even expressing your deep frustration. I think I felt paralyzed by know-how to respond, but never been married before, other than to you and no one ever thrown down. You know this. I don't know I have done the same time as I do.

I don't know how to do it this I think our conflict resolution styles were so very different.

It's not a black-and-white picture. You know I would actually engage in conflict, but there's something about what was happening with Carrie and I that was just particularly hurtful and became triggering became very difficult to manage. So when we reach that impasse. All I'll say it seemed to me that there was no way to have the conversations we needed to have. I felt Carrie was being overly aggressive and not listening. And so for me it became more and more normal and regular for me to just tune it out and tuning it out was me just going into my own zone and I would say at that point, you know, marriage is the deepest love, the deepest joy. It's also the deepest pain. I think you can feel and it was probably also the deepest frustration I could solve problems at work. I didn't know how to solve this at home and Tony did you have any sense because I know in our situation and has said that she felt guilty approaching me about our marriage because I was working for God. I was in ministry and it's like she's feeling like my energy and my passion of my heart is given to the ministry and the people I don't even really know and I'm pulling away from her and sees said manner was hardest complaint because I'm asking you to make me more important than your work with God.

Did you ever experience that is as a wife to a pastor interesting question. I would say that I didn't experience guilt as much as I had said I would say maybe cognitive dissonance of you know we are leading this church you know in our church gives people hope and the love of Christ and yet here we are struggling so deeply. I felt like there was a disconnect. As far as integrity goes, and I think that prompted some some really soul-searching conversations with us and I would say I remember saying I can't live as sham of a marriage can't portray this image to people and yet live a different reality on the inside and I think if anything that caused us and me to double down on just getting into counseling and figuring out you know what in the world can we do to make you know our intentions and that the lived reality of our marriage lineup. So what did you do. I mean, obviously the rings on the on the floorboard.

That's where we sorta left.

I know carried and pick it up and throw back and say well there you go. You did something something happened to turn this thing what what was the next step. Yeah, I did go to individual counseling and at first I have to confess that my my counseling approach was to explain in an and pour it all out. Let the counselor know what was going on but basically I was looking for support.

I think I was looking to the counselor Morrissette as a cheerleader to someone to expose my blind spots. But as things got worse and I think you know, definitely after this episode we had in the car.

I realized that I needed to approach counseling from a more humble perspective. I think they value of humility went up for me because it was a matter of survival. I had to figure out what I was bringing to this mass and really double down on doing some work one season interrupted that process was kind of movie. Around that time little bit after went through a season of burnout and got so bad for me. It wasn't just a marriage. It was a decade of running too hard too fast in rapidly growing church not be able to keep up not having the strategies and was doing some pretty intense counseling at that time, like on your marriage needed work. I knew that I needed work and what that did was I was kind of a circuit breaker. I think you got quite depressed around that same time Tony did and I burned out so that was three months in the ditch.

Got up every day My job, but it was just brutal and I think what God did is a broadest boat to a place like a set a circuit breaker where I realized okay this is where all of that leads I need a new normal.

I need to figure out how to be healthier, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, spiritually, like I was a Christian I love Jesus, I'm reading my Bible every day. I'm praying every day were praying through this so it's not like all you got was a closet atheist. Know your fate was very sincere. My faith was very sincere, but we were at this relational impasse and kind of life moment where things kind of fell apart for me it was a process of probably 3 to 5 years of reconstructing my life on a much healthier foundation, which we we can get into but but he was a circuit breaker burnout.

That really help write the pattern for me. When you're.exhausted.tired.broken everything just kinda stops like ending up in a emotional body cast me like you have never been in a body cast. All it ever did was break a phone but like I was disruptive enough.

I can imagine being a body cast for like three months but it felt like I was in this emotional body cast for a few months and so all of life, stopped looking on the other side to get healthier. We started to rebuild our marriage slowly but surely as I was reading your book. I can see that you guys talked about being in a cycle. Your arguments would kinda go in the same cycle we experience the same thing where we have a fight we blow up without a fight and I would leave the room that we experience because I hated his room and I would case Dave and follow him as one time she said get back here and fight me like a man, you big chick and she said that will support you. What would you thought about what would you argue about what you're like top two or three carry character.

This is our interview people for love you so will give yours if you really time I felt like Dave was giving his best to everyone else and when he walked in the door.

He was exhausted. He was more passive because he was he was just burnout. Basically then and I'll add this I think what you said earlier.

I experience I didn't know what to do in the home. Yeah, I knew what to do as as a pastor as a leader. That said, I did a great but I knew I knew it the do people thought I was good there. I come home and first law didn't really know what dad husband Christian leader look like in the home and my wife kept saying I was bad.

This is so bad okay I'll go over there where I'm good. You know, so that was a big part of our five forward years time. I think we clashed over my natural orientation is to focus on people over tasks so I would be trying to attend to whatever the kids needed and if they dishes had to sit on the counter in the kitchen had to wait that was fine because I knew I would do it before I went to bed, but it didn't have to be done right now but we so we had this clash is interesting because this is tied into leadership where I spent all my time, but like you, used to. I was the senior leader like you say things that get done right, rightly or wrongly, that's what happens. I come home and sometimes we have a very neat I'm not complaining but I would say looks like a bomb went off like what happened. Like there's toys everywhere foods all over the place. You know I try to contain the chaos at work from home and there's chaos at home on like I can't have any more chaos in my life. I more task like in the Mary Martha story. That's the one run like no Jesus Martha, you were too hard on what she is going to pay the bills. Who's going to cook the meals like this to clean up, you need this stuff done by no Jesus was right. I get that, but that's one where I'm probably little bit OCD like I've never been diagnosed. But like if things are not in order. I do not feel in order that we are born how to manage that a lot better than we. It's not really attention point a relationship anymore but was for years and so there was that. And then money. You know I was a pastor. We left law so was like there was a lot of money sitting around and so we can can agree on priorities. I would say that was it. It was that I spent too much time at work in true undercover workaholic. I didn't know what to do at home. I think that's a really great articulation. Dave and Sabbath. Oh my goodness, I'm still okay so this is years later I'm still working on Southwell this idea being still.

I don't know how to be still. The problem with the work I do is I can work any time like it's my mind right. That's what I do, I could be writing a talk I could be finishing a book.

I could be preparing for a podcast just by reading their book like it never saw I didn't have any hobbies at the time and then being general apparent love my sons I have the privilege of working with one. We have a great relationship with her grown sons, but like you know kids are a lot of work when you show up in your tired at the end of the day and they just want to play outside of the house is a mess.

I would be like at 730 time for the kids to bed like they just need one more story and I do like one more something I don't know. That would drive me crazy.

We also had different perspectives on discipline. For example, with the problems we arty just described in getting through our conflict. It all just seemed to be a mass guy was strict and you were just have very different personalities. You have different gifts you're bringing in an where like that to there certain things that you just rub each other wrong and then you start judging one another thinking if you would just change this.

I would be much more happy and so we were kind of in that same cycle but you know what, what's beautiful that you wrote in the book that I think can get missed and you broke your book in the three parts in the first part.

I love the title is, I can't do this anymore which I'm guessing is almost a quote you don't like in that moment when you're thrown the ring and I think every couple I hope will listen to that and go. If you're a place in your marriage.

You need to get to that place to say I can't do this anymore.

This point yeah crisis my bow. Here's a lot of couples do they say I'm done I'm out.

You said I can't do this anymore working to fix this were to stay together will make this work, but I'm not living like this anymore. I'm not faking this charade.

I'm not pretending I won't settle in a sense right that I and I hope couples listing will be like man if you're there right now. I'm hoping you're going. I can't do this anymore. That doesn't mean I'm leaving you, it means honey.

We've got to take the step, whatever that looks like to get our marriage to what we dreamed it would be in his can be hard work but I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not doing this anymore like we have and Dave I would say to you, it's a cry to Jesus like Lord I can't do this anymore.

I think he's waiting for us to get to that point of him saying I've been waiting for you to realize that I'm the one that can take you to new places.

We know that, but sometimes we have to figure out how do we bring Jesus into that photo be fun to talk more about how we can do that I would add the best moment in your marriage. I can't tell you for your marriage at your marriage but it looks like a really bad moment and it probably was one of the best things that ever happened just on that ring and said I'm not doing this like this anymore. I know there are some of you who can relate to what Tony and Carrie were talking about today you been at that frustration point where you thought I could do this anymore. Maybe you're there right now and you're wondering what do we do. Is there hope left for our marriage.

That's where Tony's book before you split can provide some help with the subtitle is what you really want for the future of your marriage. I would say to any couple before you make a decision that is a a final decision to end your marriage. Make sure you've done everything to fight for.

Try to preserve a copy of Tony's book you can go to our website family like today.com and request your copy again. The website is family life today.com. The book is called before you split or you can call to order number is one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Let me also add before you make a final decision. You owe it to yourself to attend together a weekend to remember marriage get away. These getaway weekends have been used by God in hundreds of thousands of marriages over the years to bring healing and hope where there was division and strife, and so if that's where you find yourself again before you split come to a weekend. Remember marriage getaway.

We got about 30 of these events happening this fall in cities all across the country and if you register this week. You can save 50% off the regular registration fee, and if for any reason, the weekend is not what you expected it to be, will give you your money back or no questions asked. So register today on and let me just also say the weekend for members not just for couples who are frustrated with where there marriages. If you have a marriage and you would say it's okay, but you don't want to be just okay you want to be better than okay you want to be all that it's intended to be. Come join us for a weekend to remember marriage getaway again. There's information online about the getaway go to family life today.com you can register online as well. Or call if you have any questions or if you'd like to register by phone one 800, FL, today is the number again if you register this week you save 50% off the regular registration fee. So let us hear from you all right tomorrow. Tony and Carrie new offer to be back with us again were here about the steps. They began taking when they reached that frustration point in their marriage and thought I don't know if I want to go on how to get from where they were to where they are today will hear their story tomorrow, hoping to be with us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on bobble team. We will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Today is the production of family life helping you pursue the relationships matter most