Parenting Kids With Anxiety

I feel like you have never been anxious I care I care. One of the most laid-back easy-going people I know is that true closing prayer welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and Wilson. They will soon and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. Family life today to back you know be a college quarterback and that two minute drill. You gotta be the calm no anxiety and I feel like in some ways I was wired that way, but remember the night I mentioned it here before on thing like today. The night before my back surgery you talk about anxiety. I had never seen you like that, you're right.

Yeah, I mean it was one of those moments were when I look back later is like while that's what people feel a lot. I just got a glimpse of it that night where I was fearful you know I should've never done this but I go on YouTube and look at a back surgery. Mike okay I don't need know that part of it. But as I laid there first thing in the morning I got a euro check at the hospital I was gripped and you are in bed yet you are downstairs so I was alone and I picked up Scripture that I didn't really know where I wanted to go and I ended up in Psalm 34 and God really use that to help my anxiety, but one of things that I noticed in Psalm 34 our region. One of the passages David wrote this Psalm, and David says I prayed to the Lord and he answered me he freed me from all my fears, which means David had anxiety. If you read the Psalms. That's very true because he's so transparent and he loses the motion and I think there were times he was really probably anxious and depressed and saw the obviously Scripture there in that moment help relax me. A member will go to sleep but knowing that others had gone through it because you sort of think the guys in the Bible the women the Bible are so perfect and never struggled like this course. I never had back surgery, they would've loved to have had it but you know the fact that he saying I've had fears and anxiety. And the Lord met me there he met me there as well and so the talk about this in our own lives as is husbands and wives, moms and dads, but especially think of our children yeah going through anxiety that that is that intense maybe unaware in our own house that our daughter could be in bed feeling what I thought our son. We need help and we have sissy golf with us again back on family life today glad you're with us again any detail you can do 10 of these is because I like where were going today is working to get into some real practical things and we have been doing that sissy you've given us some real tools you've given us help with our daughters with our sons and really with us as parents of knowing what to do. So we went to dive deeper into that today densa sees a therapist and she's been counseling us for the last few haven't listened to our earlier diecast this week.

Go back and listen to them because they're really helpful in her latest book is called brave the teen girls guide to beating worry and anxiety. We've had a great time as we talk about all kinds of things and I thought it was just can be adolescent girls or boys, but it's also us money and went on about the places we live right spent one of the mess and constant feedback I've gotten from banks when they ran the bikes, especially the parent back right away free girls so many parents have sat. I started reading for my daughter and realize that having Sadie. It's been so helpful for me which I love that because anything's gonna trickle down right anyway were learning a Grammys grammar learning more and more about anxiety now, aren't we Jan ever before. I know about it.

We know that so many things more even, how the brain function is happening neurologically has been really helpful and opened a lot of doors of understanding. It's been interesting.

This past month I've had two friends sit with me talking about their teenage daughters who have been just this Joe waiter race.

They been great girls but now both moms have 16-year-old daughters and they are for the first time struggling really horribly with anxiety and depression.

The one mom said I don't know what to do and the mom was in tears so and is as parents if we walk through this you know when it's creating your own life. The worry, the fear and anxiety in yourself that she was saying she's dropped out of Oliver sports. She no longer wants to do anything as a family. She's holed up in her bedroom won't come out and the mom was saying and then the other night.

She said I don't see any purpose for me even being here anymore, which then is apparent that escalates all of our fear, anxiety, and the other one said, my daughter just found out that she has a learning disability.

She struggling being back in school now after the pandemic and this anxiety has risen and we don't know what to do and again. She doesn't want to do anything she doesn't talk to us and I have felt ill-equipped in the past, other than saying man I'm can be praying I mean be fasting for your daughter. I'm not. I've heard of some resources, but I feel like today.

We can really give some great resources. But as parents. I think we all have the questions when should we take our kids to a therapist.

How do we know the answer today would be different than it would've been pretty endemic. Okay. And what we saw. We talked about this a little bit before but going into the pandemic. I was most worried about elementary age girls because they were the ones who are feeling so much anxiety. Then, as it started that adolescence anxiety just skyrocketed and then and then they ended up being isolated and as we all know for teenagers. Think what brings them to pay for their peers.

So much of the time and so all of this has been such a number on these kids. And so, so many of the girls that I see have been through exactly the same process really described.

Yes, it started as anxiety and then it went on long enough that it splattered over into depression and so I think if you're listening today in your thinking, should I take my child to counseling. Honestly, I read all of these anxiety books as a kind of a first pass, like if you're wondering anxiety. Could this be what is going on them by the book and I jokingly talk about in the books that they're meant to work people like me out of a job.

It really is like that. That's the first few months and counseling is what I do. My office, so if that's if your child has anxiety. I would start the you think they might, and then if you're using the strategies because there are several practical things. If you're doing that for three months and it feels like you're making no progress. That's when I would call somebody okay but if it feels like it's spilling over into depression, especially the times that I get most concerned about adolescence is when they're isolating money when we give a caveat to that because teenagers are tricky because on the Euphrates phone wife they're pulling away, and they want more privacy than they've ever wanted and they are less responsive at home than anywhere else so they look depressed when they're with you, just by nature, being teenagers, we have a book on raising girls we call girls in those years the narcissistic years they just are there difficult and a lot of that happening inside of them and they feel it too.

It's not just on, but I think when I get concerned about teenager is when it's not just at home. Okay when their sadness when their soul and this exists among their friends when the things that they have love don't feel like they bring pleasure anymore when they're pulling out of activities, and especially if they say anything like I want to be here anymore. Life doesn't feel worth it if they're hurting themselves in any way, I would immediately pick up the phone and call counselor. Okay. And how do we know what's the difference between anxiety and depression. Depression often is more of that kind of lifelessness. It's a withdrawal from a lot of things. It's sadness that they just can't shake okay whereas anxiety will really, rampant, more typically in their more agitated. It's gonna come out as anchor and their you're hearing them talk about certain things over and over and over like we talked about that leaps in here certain things that that that you can tell are making them more anxious and so is your sitting you know you there with a parent or with little school adolescent girl or let's burn teenager also talk about 13 1415-year-old girl in it doesn't seem to be getting through. I mean, do you ever find like it's getting blocked again, but because I know parents sometimes we feel that I'm saying the right things and getting around right people and it just seems to be block what you do, or at least help us understand what's happening. Why can't we seem to make progress in the anxiety and the worry in the fear in the maybe even depression. I think often it's simply because of development and that our voices get quieter and other voices get louder for them, particularly their peers. But I think adolescence is when we want them to have other voices that we trust in their lives such an important time to pull and which is where coaches have so much impact the teachers youth group leaders, any other grown-ups that you trust that can speak truth in their life, and I think that's where counselor I just can't even it's in the thousands. The amount of times over the years that I've said something to a child that their parent comes back to me and says, well they said you told him, why tell them 400 times in the last year, but because I'm a new voice they'll hear it differently. We said that about our kids over and over again where Delft will be teenagers and they had these mentors in their life and they come home with this profile you kidding me we can do this alone and times and they never even heard this person, but we are thrilled right because we don't care who it's coming from. We just want them to get into here and that you would say that you're thrilled because I think it it's painful sometimes get rejected and developmentally.

They're pulling away from you as they are supposed to gather individuating and then all of a sudden they're coming. I'm talking about this teacher all the time or their best friend's mom who they think is the coolest mom it's ever been on the face of the earth and you don't want to hear another word about her. Yeah, I actually had a mom say this to me when Tom and I said fascinating because I think it's intuitively what I have felt and of never hurting my backwards to see sat down and her son was seeing David Thomas affect up for us, counterpart, and she said the first time I ever met her. She said okay sissy. I just need to tell you the deal set my sentencing David Thomason is seen them for a couple years and I'm so grateful for David in his life because my ex-husband does not know how to talk about feelings and so he needs a man that can talk about feelings with them and she said and I am now bringing my 13-year-old daughter T because I know she needs other voices but let me tell you that you threatened me wow and she said because right at the time in her life that she's gonna stop talking to me. I'm bringing her to use.

I shall start talking to you and I'm paying you for surgery or getting a bummer of a deal.

In a lot of ways, but that is a brave parent.

It's a brave. So interesting because we have a group of friends that we've been friends with for boy 25 years probably, and so we've been raising our kids together and what is happened I don't have daughters, but my friends have come to me and have said, hey, it's been sometimes with my teenage daughter and so and so I think there's there's that insecurity that comes like she's can I tell you things, but to me that says that that mom is really secure, but she also it's an honor, because she trusts me.

So if we have friends that we think and my kids would do well to spend some time with that other dad, or that other mom I'd say push them that way if they're saying the same things that you're saying spiritually and like just who you are as a person you admire them. I think that's a great thing to do. Yeah I would even say we mentioned this here before, but one of the things we did we put in our parenting book is we actually prayed and looked for mentors for our boys when they were just coming into the teenage years and you know we did know we really didn't have a name, pastor of the church and its leader. A lot of people there, but I we had no idea. And so were like Lord, we know that we need other voices besides ours saying the same thing even especially the spiritual part and God brings Frank an attorney in our church who starts of a middle school right will gave her 1011. This guy was crazy fun fun wonderful guy starts his middle school little group with our oldest seizures and it think of this season is now 35 years old and he and Frank and through the other for the other guys in the group still go on vacations together will call with Frank on a trip together go on a houseboat in Tennessee, where his parents have a it's just that relationship still happen.

Ryan came into our middle son since life.

Rob came into Cody's life that I can remember I've said this before but I can remember when they be down like a special remember Cody's group was down in the basement. So our youngest there 1450 maybe 16-year-old boys and I literally crack open the door and I can't go down there but I will like what they talk and they are talking about real stuff that teenage boys wrestle with, and how God is in the middle that and what's God's perspective. Imagine listen very long.

But listen long enough to go thank you Jesus and I have a young man down there who's 20, 30 years younger than me pouring into my son and I'm telling you, if they were feeling anxious there to tell them probably before they tell yes and those were gifts from God because we literally ask, I would say to a parent if you have somebody like in your life ask prayer get a son like a magic prayer but all that you if you look around the people in your life you may build already identify somebody that could be that mentor more that counselor like a lady, counselor or therapist in their life is that critical first for a child you talk about two things are required to break free of anxiety in your book you say persistence and determination talk about those.

What is that mean. Often kids will come back or parents will come back and say that tools didn't work. And it's because they tried it for a week or two weeks and it is likely talked about before about how the amygdala becomes hyper responsive. Also, our brains create these well-worn pathways, neural pathways, and it takes a long time to change behavior and to change the way that our brain state.

And so it is not an easy. You don't just think I'm a get ever the sink that Amity this two times and I'm to be better. It's over well that's good to hear parents.

I get here.

That is a lot to determine. Okay, yes, which is where I think when we can reward kids when we can praise kids when we can have other voices who are helping echo cheered him on think that is so important because there can have to hang with it for a long enough period of time to start to see the difference gave us a number.

I usually will say we went families a starting counseling. I will usually say plan on at least three months if not six months before you can start to see different okay that's good to hear. It is actually one of the maybe maybe don't know this. One of our taglines for family today as we offer hope for today hope for tomorrow. Two of the three parts of your book are held true love that.

I think we talked a lot about help. Yes, let's talk a little bit about hope because after days or weeks or maybe even months, and you're not seeing progress with your child, your daughter or your son and you sit in the chair with these with these kids, you lose hope how you keep hope when you're not seeing what you're hoping to see I think. Pray a lot. Pray that God would keep refreshing your vision for where they can be and who they can be think having you know were talking about kids having other voices. I think his parents need other voices you need other people, friends.

You can sit with that are cheering you on. Along the way. I think that's a huge piece of it and just being connected to God yourself. I mean, I think you've got to. I have always felt like self-care was important for parents. I've never felt like it was as important and particularly spiritually, if were not receiving spiritually were not can have anything to give and working around really short on hope and so being connected in that way, I think is hugely important that we just anchor to a lot of truth and I think that's where to start going back to the kids and saying hey, you gotta be frustrated. I can tell, then filling things are shifting, what can I do to help.

What what would that look like for me to step in.

Would it help for us to create some kind of incentive like you know when you really feel like you're pass this. You know differently than you are now. I don't mean hundred percent free of it.

But when you made some real progress.

What can we do to celebrate that something you can look forward to.

I think kids need things to look forward to and and that we just keep where intentionally cheering them on.

Along the way but not in the butt Talked about John 1633 about in this world you have trouble. But I can't have overcome the world and and when I read notes the first two bucks. One of the things I talked about his how I felt like we were seeing this thing happen with kids where their emotional life felt like kids were talking about their emotions more they understood their emotions more than in almost 3 decades that have been canceled. Kids at the like they were better versed than I'd ever seen in me, but I felt like their faith.

The two were running parallel their faith was not intersecting with their emotional lives at all.

I didn't feel the sense of hope in kids are felt less of a sense of hope and it ever felt which really concerned me and I think when I went back to what might be at the rate of it.

I felt like part of it was the beginning of that first think kids part it partly because of the social media world that we live in. And you know you think about pre-pandemic.

How many hashtags of live in my best life and how many best day ever. All that stuff you see that anymore. My best year ever exactly think that was part of the problem.

Think we had stopped him, something I don't think I was doing a very good job of teaching kids what it looks like to live in a fallen world, and so I think when their life felt fallen when they were feeling the effects of sin and pain. I think they felt like something's wrong with me or it's only me because the rest the world seems happy.

The rest was limited in our battle line wonderful right but my life looks so dreary and normal. Something is wrong is the rest of the world isn't just pretentious the church. It's what right have been doing think on social media the way we present things out.

I'll never forget. So DayStar we have individual counseling.

We have groups that we have a little summer program called headcount for the kids who are coming to counseling will camp and art director does most of the teaching and devotionals of the kids and she looked at this group of seventh and eighth graders and said to them, I don't know who told you your life wouldn't be hard but they were wrong. We want to expect trouble that's part of that verse in this world you're gonna have trouble.

But we have hope because he overcame the world and and I think they just weren't grasping and I really think leading into it felt like it was the least resilient generation of kids I had ever seen.

I want to say very strongly that I think these kids that have lived through this pandemic are going to be the most resilient kids we see, I am going with you think they're going to have more strength and more help because they have faced trouble and they have had to lean on Jesus. I think their faith will have been strengthened and really profound way. Let me know the truth.

We all know and yet it's hard to let your jaw go through. It is apparent is adversity builds character. My nieces persevered a character and hope consider delaying my brothers and various tiles.

I want to I want to echo that one God knows exactly when they were going to be born why they were going to be poor and he has a purpose and a plan and our God wins win and ultimately to speak into our kids like I can't wait to see how the cat has for you. This hope is hope yes that help you know, I would say this no wrapping up a week with you sissies been this fence is only for me to you ever just helped us to help thousands of a real habit of thinking. If you're a parent and you're really struggling. Maybe it's anxiety maybe cingulate about your children, which we all have oil we have it every night is apparent is just so gripped with anxiety. I think of Matthew 1128 which is one of my favorite passages were Jesus is come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, that's like anxiety doesn't worry that's carrying burdens for ourselves or for our children and I will give you rest.

And so there's part of me thinks the parent has to leave their first. You can expect your job go there if you've never so man of your struggle and this is your moment this so you know what I need to lay this out. I need to go to. I am in a world this can be hard in trouble, but there is Victor and there is one I can find look Reston and then I need to model that for my child and lay in bed and I put my head on the pillow and go God you got her you got him affect you love them and care about them even more than I do and that song the lead and here's the last thing José as I was listening for the last for this.

This week I thought all this is great for parents by thought.

I think the really good for a parent to grab his adolescent daughter or teenage son or daughter and listen to these programs to get out there and then say when she had a great idea because man can you imagine what you your teenage daughter may say a could could you hit pause there. Can we talk about that because I feel what Sissy said. Or maybe, if you are not listening together. At least you both listen and then come together over a meal, a walk or whatever and just talk about those things more.

Get the book and read it or do both a level to see what you do us a favor and will you pray for the parents and the kids just kind as we finish our time with you because if anybody knows what they're feeling, it's you sure I left. Thank you for every parent. His listening today. Thank you for every grandparent eaten uncle Peter anybody's listing that has kids in their lives that they care for. When we pray for every child representative and Lord I know you know this better than I do that I have never encountered as many discouraged appearances I have in the last six months and said father I just hate that you would pour out your laugh on this.

Parents, pour out your sense of delight in them and how much that you rejoice over them and sing over them in all of this things for parents, especially that don't file right now and I pray that you would remind them of that great truth and I pray that you would remind them to you that we do.

We can take heart, because of you because you have overcome the world, which means you have overcome every single scenario facing their child right now. Whatever it is, or that you are in the midst of that friend problem.new diagnosis that failure that concern that the parent feels the anguish in the middle of the night all those things that you are in the midst of those things with, and that you have ever, Lord, we thank you that you are a God who promises every one of those things. We thank you that you're a God who knows us that you're not this impersonal Victor but that you're a victor who really goes into the hard things with us and hold our hands and and still delights in us and delights in them and that you love the kids in our last more than we can ever imagine. And you come Lord I just pray that you would remind us of that over and over and over. Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your grace for us even when we fail and and help us remember that even in that failure. Our kids have opportunities to know and lean on you that much more clearly. Thank you for your sign in your name we pray. Thank you. You're welcome this statement and wish just suggested if you'd like to relisten to this series with sissy golf listing with your teenage son or daughter and pausing from time to time to say is that something you're feeling all of the programs that you hear on family law today are available for download or you can access them as podcasts that you can do that for any series you here on family like to go to family like today.com and the information is available there or look for family life today wherever you get podcasts unsubscribe family life today. That way if you're not able to euros on air any day you can always hear us whenever it's convenient for you.

Again, go to family life today.com if you have any questions or just look for family life today wherever you go to fund podcasts and if you're interested in a copy of Sissy Goff's book grave. It's a book we got in our family life today resource Center you can order it from us online@familylifetothe.com or call one 800 FL today to get your copy again. The book is titled brave a teen girl's guide to beating worry and anxiety by Sissy Goff.

It's available to you online@familylifetothe.com or you can call to order 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today that I know for many of us sleep.

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