Loving Your Daughters

Have a question to begin today. Oh, good. Well maybe good will see what he think makes me feel loved. I should know this answer. I know I mean words gifts time touch all naming all night on going in order love languages, but words of love and affirmation are welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us if they we live today.com or on our family life and death is family life today. I was going to say time is probably my number one well when we go out on a date that time you want to talk that's your words about our relationship exactly what I'm excited because today were can help some parents and working to help them understand ways that will communicate love to their daughters and we've already talked a little bit about how we can communicate love to our sons but we have Matt and Lisa Jacobson back with us today on family life today welcome. Thank you. To be with you again sided you guys because you really already have helped us understand how to love our sons and how to communicate that in today we want to talk about how we love our daughters so I'm excited to see how that will even be a little different.

This got me hundred ways to love your daughter. Obviously we you mentioned you guys are the hundred ways couple-year-old book on Conway's love your husband love your wife now, your son and your daughter and we haven't got to you, but I affirmation so get that later.

But I like that subtitle the simple powerful path to a close and lasting relationship.

And Matt, you started faithful man.com Lisa you started club 30 women.com you guys are authors and bestsellers of these books on family marriage. Women and men. Parents of eight children. Yeah guys do the girls for boys yes yeah it didn't start out that way. It was one son and four daughters, and some of desperate please reasons so unusual to have eight kids, eight of your own biological kids today are you just drowning.

At times you absolutely started to give a nice Christian spiritual answer yes it was pretty intense days you really impacting so many and helping so many of us today but I was intrigued by your very first way to make your daughter feel loved and he said to ask her questions and he saying here. La surprise at all. I love dollars I said because I am in love love it when we go or any time turn off the TV and say just ask me how I'm doing so well and people have said to you. You guys are really close family with your kids and you describe why you think that is in it was this number one.

Ask her real questions such as how you doing or what you're up to you but really asking what were you thinking today and or what's on your heart or get specific that's even better.

You know how did your conversation with so-and-so go or are you nervous about this test coming up all those things they just open up good conversations and sometimes not even aware themselves they were struggling with something or heavy about something. I just remember myself being a young girl just lost my own thoughts and emotions and how nice it is to have somebody care but also help you can process some of that to but I mean do they answer because sometimes I think maybe it's a male-female thing.

Maybe not. But sometimes when aunt asked me a question like what are you thinking or feeling I'll be like nothing really part of me doesn't want to answer the other is I'm really not feeling thinking anything, but with daughters is a different do you get answers. So my daughters are very ready with their answer and excited about it. I can also think another daughter who I'm just was talking to this weekend. In fact, and I was getting the dead-end answers not being not much and so I thought okay will maybe nothing is going on, but the more we are talking the more I saw emotion in her eyes and then I just said you seem sad in your eyes. Is there reason I am seeing that and they got really Terry know and she said well I suppose in a lot of things I said okay well let's talk about some of those things and that should make me work on it and I was talking about after this phone call. Even with this and I just said I'm really glad I hung in there. I had to keep reminding myself that to be patient and not to yard it out of her. But to really really gently pull those things out from her and with she felt so much better after your done talking I felt better and I know she did, but since you have to work a little harder. I think Matt is at the same for you with your daughters like is it harder for you to go there because Lisa you're watching the facial expressions did what their emoting. Do not try to say women can't do that.

Asking with daughters with that dad are you watching is closely and it's different for you. It is for me this for me.I just heard this hyper sense of protection.

Maybe just over the top so is over the. Was he like polygamy, Lisa, who are just constantly vigilant. I think too uptight really a long ways and so just maybe too uptight about that's the right thing and what's happening over there safe. Is that safe and so the communication that I had was really early on was really about the protector you know about that was my mindset. I see that I'm not even saying that that's necessarily how they perceived it but it was definitely easier to chitchat with the kids when the younger, no question about you know when they get older we talk maybe a little bit about this in the son's book where there's that transition to manhood and it's over the course of years, like the dawn, right, it's a little light gets lighter and lighter toes the full light of the sun and it took me a while to understand THE mold were in. That's the season were in now my daughters are just if we get in trouble. He call me one thing I've noticed particularly in terms of this kind of conversation is is you are good processor and I like processing with you so weak she and I might have the conversation the emotion that I feel for you, but I've noticed that they will call you, especially when it's something they just want to work through without the emotion of mom interesting and I think while thou comfortable enough Ellie to say you know what that mighty good thing to talk to do that through these wise and I think you see things without the emotional cloud that I can sometimes see things even get out and also there going to be in that season of life.

At some point where they're not going to be as communicative and again don't take the bait. I like that you say closeness comes from seeking from seeking their hearts and pursuing a relationship. I know that when our kids became teens, I became so focused in on their behavior of what they weren't doing and I was fearful of her natural yeah what they were going to do that now that our kids are adults they said I wish you would've pursued my heart more and asked me more about how is my heart doing that's making me make these dumb decisions you know I mean all this world is a big, bad, dangerous, awful disgusting place and so focused on those things you want to protect them from predators and other sexual influences, and people that would take advantage of American be such a focus but yeah they need to know that you love them, they need to know you like them they need to know that you like their personality that they're wonderful the way they are. You know, if a parent could just tell themselves that you know what my daughter she's just wonderful. The way she is know it's interesting having four daughters, their personalities couldn't possibly be more different. It's really interesting that way, but we just have tried to communicate with them. You know what you are unique wonderful, beautiful creation of God, and we just love how you think we love who you are.

We love your personality and sometimes maybe their parents out there, even listening thinking.

Now you kids personality right now, but sometimes you can speak the future truth into them right. You don't have to love the bad thing they did to you but you can love who they are and you can tell yourself I need to communicate that reminds me of. I was just talking to mom recently. This past weekend. She has a little girl who's just very emotional high strong flips out all the time. Meltdowns dramatic and to yourselves, no nonsense personality so she's just at a loss what to do. This little girl and I love this. She's passionate where this is a one it's hard when they're five and are not passionate because it can be over the bowl of cereal and it's a total melt.

Just think of this little girl when she's 25. One of our daughters and how she's passionate for pro-life and she's out there and she's marching and she's advocating that passion is beautiful thing and a 25-year-old woman and it's hard when the 5 m project that I told her I said I wish I would've had that picture in my mind when my little girl is five because I think this would've been so much easier if you notice at least to go. Hey, I know it's your overflowing with it now but just wait to see when we walked in this together and it's could be a beautiful thing so funny Lisa because I was just talking to a group of young moms with daughters and I said you know, I'd be careful of using the words you're so dramatic and every single one of them onset now all the time and he said that she dramatic the same thing and she's passionate she feels so deep but we are really one of our sons was with the word be dramatic. It was just a very passionate if his shoelaces weren't exactly writing to just throw fitted to three years. Memory asked. Everything had to be lined up in just 100% and everything and at times as a parent, it was exasperating just off when he became a man, and he gave his first sermon. Archer is a pastor preacher. Now the first sermon we just looked usually like all C was on fire up there. He's just trying as it's being used now in a beautiful way but man is a parent was one of the most frustrating things and you're right Lisa. It's like you got a project in the future.

This is a beautiful unique gifting in your child that God can can possibly use them Dave to advance the kingdom of our goal is to get to breakfast today and so the bowl of cereal is a problem right down is a problem it's interfering with my goals and so I'm frustrated with you and I say this gently and carefully and with conviction, but it's our goal as a parent is to raise that this child for the kingdom of God then is just breakfast and we have to worry about it. What we really want to do is hey you feel really strongly about this right now. Let's address this work through this and it is no longer just an inconvenience.

It is actually something an opportunity and really, you know I'm think it's probably time I should cope with the goat milk story, all dead goat milk.

Sorry, but we don't go to deli, so we were kids we have our little kids. What was yeah not doing the drama thing.

You just cannot have what you we got cereal would use did not do a lot of serial book cereal to treat expensive fruit that is over macro. So anyway, we got cocoa and we were always going from 200 Goma forms of sorts anyway, but I put them through a cancer setting is what's the matter, because I'm thinking hey we went out streets. This was like through him breakfast treat each trait in Vienna are no nonsense daughter. She does this is dead goat bicep are not going to put up with you blaming on what my world opened no kids would touch it and I took the jugular said what's the matter with you kids.

There's nothing wrong when I took a big drink of it meant he threw up so bad. Well, there it had gone bad. There's nothing wrong. We don't know about farmers out there don't write something because it's a great thing to have but there was something wrong with this with you all laughed, but the repair, but as we talk about asking kids questions. I was remembering when I was 16 years old, my dad and the youngest of four.

He didn't spend a lot of time with me and my uncle had cancer.

My mom had taken to chemo treatments and so every time my mom was at a town which and she took him once a week. My dad would say to me all the other siblings are now out of the house he to hey were going out to dinner because he did not cook. It felt really awkward because I'd never spent time with my dad and I was nervous, crazy, but I just didn't know him. He sat and he began asking me questions deep questions like tell me who you are now on I might happening right now and that dinner continue to get an extra cup of coffee and ask more questions to me about what you see is your future and it was. I'm Still going to tell you those were some of the best days of my life with my dad because he saw me, he took an interest in me and when somebody asked questions and really listens. You feel incredibly important to feel loved and loved. Yeah things I love to which he said here's an example and I felt like you had some of these ways to love our daughters that were very much alike, and you said get up early and watch the sunrise together so that that well. Sometimes you can just do something that's out of the ordinary with the kids and you know what, if you put a plan together like that will be all and let's just let's just go this time. He did this well it wasn't just the sunrise we've done a number of things like that. Like for instance one time in November there was a meteor shower at night and I said okay were just going to take the blankets and put them out on the lawn and were all gonna get out there and will give under a couple points were just watch the stars and see could find the most shooting stars.

And that's a time that we do that sort of thing I can tell you as a parent as a dad. I wish I would've done a thousand more of these things right absolutely and so where was the referencing the Broncos about sons is that there are things in the books where we grew into we we learned to do these things and I wish I would've done a lot a lot more of those kinds of things I had one of those awakening moments when one of our daughters was about 12, 13, and she just was clearly exasperated with me.

She said mom I just wish she'd spend time with me and here I am homeschooling. I feel pretty committed mom took music lessons.

I couldn't believe it here with her all the time with way too much, but she meant it with all her heart and was clearly just so frustrated with me and thought that you can't figure this out and I realize I be doing all these things for her, taking her to music lessons cooking her meals home educating her and her young girls mind that's not the same thing is just to be with you, and I started taking her out to stewing little date night.

We sexed ecstasies in her 20s now.

We still have a weekly date will go to coffee will grab something to eat and we just love this time together.

Love it and she was probably the hardest kid to connect with and shall be first to tell you that we just had a hard time personality wise connecting, but that gentle pursuit of her heart and just saying I don't have an agenda which is hanging table can be some little special. Nothing fancy, but we did that with our three sons that with a kids how you gave well well I do want to touch on just that one point, just a subtle point. There are a lot of parents who do a lot of things for their kids and they're doing and they're doing and they're doing actually yeah absolutely you're all in.

But there is a massive difference between doing and being.

And in that being mode what you're really saying is I want to be with you. Where is the doing what I'm just doing things for you, but your your daughter needs to know what you actually want to be with her so it's really more communicating that you want that time with her than that you have the time and check the box off about Eland but I have always struggled with performance like you doing things, checking things off the box.

That's what makes me a legit person get things done and that's all we do is moms writing stuff. We get it done girls. I just wonder how it could've been different if the people I know the who loved me, around me, which is content with just being with me that I was just okay. Just as I was.

I don't have to be doing all these things to be to be a joy and I really what to communicate that to our daughters. It is interesting that you said you do it a thousand times more as you think back so I may listening to that thinking okay that sounds like a parent that's older and has done the parenting thing for many years now looking back and so if I'm a younger parent listening right now. Maybe I've got a baby or toddlers or even a 10-year-old, what would you say how can they learn from what you just said so that they don't, 20, 30 years from now. Say what you just said besides get their book is the answer, but it's like you get a Marine into it so I'll let you answer.

But when I hear that I think the same thing and were grandparents now and it's like me and there's times when I'm like you to grab a picnic basket and a blanket were just going to go hang out in the treehouse didn't do it. I got busy doing something else at all and stuff. Now I look back like that moment would've been more memorable than Diablo so because being is more important than doing it just is. And you know, nobody looks back on their parenting since you know what I wish we would've spent more time making sure the kids got to soccer practice making sure we didn't miss music lessons yet nobody says that what they regret is that they didn't reach the heart of their child in the way you do that could spell love TI at me and just being there and again communicating that you want to be there. That's the nugget. This child knows my daughter knows I actually want to be there with her and so that's really the core of it. Just this sense that I'm communicating the value to her. We are as parents communicating value to our kids that we actually want to be with them and that feels that child with a sense of security, a sense of value and a sense of love and that's really the core of it and it doesn't matter whether you have three or eight kids or what life throws at you.

You know we've we've had a few challenges that we've a daughter who's severely brain damaged and when that happened, took two years out of our life in terms of just fighting for her existence. She's 21 now in a wheelchair, paraplegic, there's that. And then my parents actually have lived with us for the better part of 25 years something like that. My mom got Alzheimer's show for 10 years as a primary caregiver than my dad or congestive heart failure and was on hospice care for five euros.

Set the record of them.

I think Oregon for being on hospice care.

But I was primary caregiver for that. But those things are just this weight of obligation that come I'm listening to all you've been through hard things there weighty things. You're right that they are heavy.

And yet, your loving these eight kids under your proof perfectly but you perfectly.

Despite your intentional as you said earlier. Way to go their way to go it on the department what I'm here and I think this is something that's very again of speaking sort as a parent who's been there, you know, you were done, but we sorta are in some ways is we get so involved in doing things that we think were with our kids and were watching them play soccer activity at all and I remember years ago somebody asked us at our church.

How do you do it all.

You get three boys and are doing the same thing as church and a number like I'm gone.

We don't we say no to so many other things. It's like they can. You know you know me coaches wanted our son to be in this league in this league in this league and America's coaching league baseball and I said they literally told me these old guys if you play 60 games a summer.

Your kids will never progress on my core plan 20. That's it. You know, and they look at you like you're not, you don't care about your kids, I might not care more about my kids being with us as a family sitting down to dinner tables and hanging out in the backyard and I do sitting in bleachers, watching them play another sport again and not again set him of said coach all the way through.

I love that. But I think we get so involved in doing that were not being a family, and the memories are then really not then remember sitting watching them play their member is playing with them. I agree with that day like it's hard to say no to some little things when you feel the pressure of our culture telling us this is what's important. But what I hear is important you guys is a family whose foundation is on the rock of Jesus. And when I hear all you've been through. It makes me think I'll that's your strength. Talk about that as we close will.

There's probably not a person listening. That doesn't have all kinds of things in their lives that they just wouldn't choose for themselves. Okay all kinds of people listening that have things that they would never choose for themselves. And yet, as we take a step back and we just look at it we go you know if I didn't choose this for myself. Is this something that God allowed them to my life for his purposes. God at work in God's work in us and he's at work in our children and God so gracious with us on the journey that he's taken us to so patient with us you so unconditionally loving toward us and is the father that has his arms out all the time. Can we recognize that our children are on a journey to their walking through life to and they have things in their lives that they wouldn't choose for themselves. God is at work and as a parent I just come back to the verse in James 48 and it says draw near to God and he will draw near to our walk in life is about walking in communion with the father in the word of God says when we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. So having a great relationship with your kids. As a believer really starts with communing with God and walking with him walking in the light so good. Thank you guys for being great truth, regardless, I imagine you're finding yourself thinking about practical ways that you can express love for your children, with roots writing a note sending them a text doing something special with them to engage with them.

We need to be looking for simple opportunities, simple ways that we can connect heart-to-heart with our kids and for them to understand. We really do love them.

Matt and Lisa Jacobson have written two books to help us with this one books called 100 ways to love your son. The other is 100 ways to love your daughter were making both of these books available to listeners this week.

Those of you who can join the team that makes family life today possible for you or people in your community for people all around the world family like today is Lister supported we are here today because listers like you made today's program possible.

We want to ask you to make tomorrow's program possible by making a donation today. It's easy to do. You can donate online, go to family life today.com to donate or call one 800 F. L. Today, 1-800-358-6329. You can donate over the phone again. Your donations help cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program so that hundreds of thousands of people every day can benefit from the work that's being done here and will be happy to send you as a thank you gift Matt and Lisa Jacobson's books hundred ways to love your son 100 ways to love your daughter. We look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks in advance for your support of this ministry, not tomorrow. We want to talk about some of the wrong thinking that accompanies the subject of singleness because there are a lot of myths around what it means to be single in our day. Sam all Barry is going to join us tomorrow.

I hope you can join us as well on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob team will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most