Parenting and Your Kid’s Love Language

Why am excited because today we get to talk with Dr. Gary Chapman of the five love languages about our book that just came out called perfect parents is out of con perfect because were so perfect.

That's what was going to because now it wasn't welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find this if they would like today.com or on our family life and his family life today is called no perfect parents ditch your expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting, but it is interesting that think about that was never our title now originally right mightily to. Why do we change it to what was our original title vertical parenting imaging and because of what happened was, as the editor started reading it. They said you know, I'm not sure that vertical parenting is the way to go. It is all about vertical parenting and going to God first.

You guys talk about so many mistakes you make. Maybe it should be called. No perfect parent and again the publisher was wiser than we were, yes, yes I think that's a lot better title because all of us as parents feel like were failing at some point and I think it's a relief to know there are no perfect parents and we all need Jesus.

We need God to direct us and guide us and are no perfect kids they own our kids differently are perfect right or grandkids and you knows you as you walk through. You know the different chapter titles.

The one I like the most is yours about mom guilt.

Why do you like that you know what your listeners will know this, but we wrote this in one week and we were in a house together. I was upstairs writing a chapter, you are downstairs writing chapter and then we would sit down at dinner time and read our chapters 1 and read me your chapter on the guilt that moms feel and dance to, but I just said I'm never looking to go man that is really really true and it was funny because I said to dad's not feel that I'm not sure dads carry it because David just snoring away and that's not thinking I failed again and I'm never going to live up to what God needs me to do and my kids need me to be and so I think all moms feel that and even more so now because of social media receipt feel so much more pressure that is pretty insinuating that our sons, three sons writing the book as well. In our oldest son CJ said, you know, I know mom apologized all the time and I I wrote letters to them.

Even though I had already apologized. Even though I had asked for forgiveness. I would write his letters to the boy saying I'm so sorry.

This is why you're so wonderful and then I would leave them at their bedside so they get a minimum one is funded here in our adult son CJ now say you know I know mom fellow that, but she was great and she didn't need to write a letter. So one of things that we did at the end of the book is talk about our top five parenting mistakes and those were really good because you wrote that down. There could've been our top 50 or more, but I'm excited today because we had a chance to sit down, Gary Chapman, author Gary Chapman, the author of the five love languages which don't think there's anybody in the planet that hasn't read it. I think it really Dr. Gary Chapman's book the five love languages helped so many of us didn't like put a light bulb on for.

That's why so many of read. It is enlightened some realities like that's how people are loved and receive love. So we got a chance to sit down with him and ask him some parenting questions and I tell you what we are both blown away with any something. Oh my goodness it was like a clinic, like how to apply the five love languages to parenting and your children and even talked about one of his biggest mistakes in fact I think he said it was the worst night of his life as a parent, but also very beautiful night as well. So here's a chance to listen to our conversation with Dr. Chapman first question, have you Gary. Are there any perfect parents, guardian.

When are you got our manuscript that retitled the book it was. It was going to become vertical parenting and I said you guys keep talking and thereby hired a perfect parents, but I think there is a dilemma because we wanted to be.

You know the best parents we could be and I think every prayer does so talk to the parents that want to measure up and do it as well as I can, but the key failing. What would you say to well you know there is a place for parents to apologize to their children. I did that out of their jobs along the journey with our periods, especially with our son and daughter to the register yourself okay but are so both of us so you think if we recognize that we we blown it and someone you know with our children. We need to be honest and just so you don't look no no no parents to speak to us all that well spoke to that was harsh and it was me and that was wrong. That's God to forgive me and I will ask you to forgive me now.

Sometimes parents are suddenly but if I apologize to my children won't lose respect for my boss.

I know they gain respect they already know what you did was wrong. I played golf with two of my sons about 18 months ago and I thought we are actually going for a nice round of golf it after we played we went to a little restaurant and both of them look me in the eye and brought up some things that I had done that it hurt them when they were younger, you just you know how I just neglected some things I honestly had no idea it was one of those moments Gary that you were just on what I just had to look at him and say you are so right. I'm so sorry I had no idea. Thank you for having the courage to bring it up. I wanted to better help me do better. It was a humbling moment, but I think a powerful and needed moment for dad to make just like you say it isn't that the very fact that your kids would share that with you shows their all maturity as well.

You know, because if I felt like if we share this been going to get my site title things and they would've done that but it shows their respect for you under all maturity. I don't write then then then there no more, that's it. You get what you will find many more to come as well encourage a young young love young adults especially who have a fractured relationship with their parents just fell on his conversation with not not come across hard and harsh and in anger but just so you know mom that I was more sure couple things with you the kind of bothered me through the years and share them with you and get your response. You might be surprised changes are your parents will recognize what you're saying but I will apologize to you. You can forgive the move that wall between the two of you and I know one thing Jan wrote in the in the book we just did the audio recording. I read it was how she did that when the boys were still in our house they were sitting at the table as teenagers and she said hey tell us something we were not doing well and I was an interesting conversation while they were still under our roof which will will and I think with teenagers. You can often feel like you're logging all the time. You know they're rolling their eyes are there had been big sigh, I get it on the table. I feel like I'm really bugging you guys have an honest conversation. Are there things that I'm doing that you feel like I wish you wouldn't do this anymore. Are we have rules that you're not liking and Selleck just created an openness and there were some rules that were like okay that's not changing your saying it's good to have conversations like that it is applicable parent will periodically say to a child who's still in the whole tell me one thing that I could do that would like me about her father is one that I love you so you can do it every three months you have a walk really well. Billy will sometimes loosely will you know you're really good at this for your pretty good day R appreciate you, but you know there is one thing that I think would like you better if you do this, or if you'd stop doing this will open up the children and the thing I most of the summer with them to share at skin young parents in terms of like a table with a bunch of parents of young children.

What would you want them to know with those years you know that are hard to say first of all understand that parenting is not easy to it's going to take time and energy and in reference to your book, you will be perfect and you don't have to be perfect to be a good parent. You do have to deal with your failures as we've been discussing with you like to be perfect. The other thing I would say is this the child's deepest emotional need is a need for love is not enough to just sincerely love your children not to pick two parents outside. The question is not, do you love your children by nature. We love our children. The question is do you children feel loved and that's where the love language because of the course become very very helpful to parents.

If I know the primary log like much of the child heavy doses of that sprinkle in the other four because we want that child to learn how to receive love and give love in all five languages nicely help this to go so I would say the importance of love the other, I would say would be the importance of having rules that are related to the child at their stage of development and also this very helpful if I will announce to the child what the consequences are if I break the rule at the time they share the rule therefore more likely to follow that themselves and not let their emotions control their behavior. When the child is something that breaks a rule and ended the other thing is that this is like Johnny. Here's a room you don't throw the ball inside the house.

Okay, if you do, the ball goes in the car. The trunk of a car for two guys and you lose privileges.

Okay, got it. Now we all know what's going to happen if you break several of the other thing I would say is when you do discipline a child rapid in love. If you know their language speak their language before you announce that this month and speak it after you notice the like, like give us an example will if Leslie words of affirmation is the child's lovely vendor. They do throw the ball inside the house for your site to Johnny I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how proud I am because you seldom break the rules, but you know you broke this rule and so you know what has to happen right. We have to put the ball in the trunk of the car to let let's go do that together but listen what you put in the truck. Listen, I want to know. I really love you and I'm really proud of you wrap the discipline before and after in love and that's also likely that this is fair. I'm getting what I deserve. But if you don't rapid and love you at any respond in anger I told you not to throw the ball and I'll feel better than that given Johnny walks away feeling I try hard mess up one time and I did you, so they feel like it's unfair yeah that's so interesting. What would you do if a person has their love languages.

His gifts, how we think. I'm just curious how you respond in each scenario.

With that love language is a little candy kiss. I want to give you a gift before I tell you what's going to have to happen here. I love you so much. Now you know you broke the rule right so you know what we don't have to do with us and I love you and when you finish this case and we could put the ball in the trunk of the car. I will give you another kiss so that I would say you know that I know that you been asking me to fix your bicycle trying though it's been three days because I love you.

I want to go do that and then we have to deal with something that will rule that you broke okay. Let's go picture trying first thing you do that and then you administer the discipline and then your site is everything else that I could do for you to be helpful for the dislikes and likes the discipline much more received in a positive way by the child now course, it sounds right now like I'm calm and you know I got it all together.

How do you do that when you're frazzled you got three kids crawling around you poop in the corner as I get home. Your wife's I get home I'm eager just at wits and you don't care about the rule anymore you just want you to me again. I'm just saying I don't care to listen going yeah it's not like that at my house so hot away actually talking when it's not easy to do well at no question about it, is awful stress when you have two or three children, all things are going on but this is one of the values of announcing what the consequences will be before so you and the child know what you're going to do, but if you are hot, you know, just got a real stress in your heart you feel like to go yell out the top sleepless poet it just just postpone a walk around the house a bit and co-cool off before you administer the discipline. This can be formal, meaningful, and if you deliver the discipline in the heat of the stress of anger that you're in right now that wrap it all in their love language really good.

Hey, one of the things that we wrote in the book is our top five parenting mistakes. Do you have a parity mistake or regret that you think of they'll tell you the saddest night of my life and want to have to start my life bus I was probably 14. I got into an argument. I don't remember the topic we never remember the topic got into an argument and I was yelling at Hillman saying hateful things and he was yelling at me and saying hateful things and in the middle of all that he walked out of his room and out the front door and slammed the door and when he did, I woke up and I said oh God, thought I was further along than this to yell that much insight, hateful things are set on the couch and my wife Carolyn came in trying to console me. She said Gary that was not your fault. I heard the whole thing. He's got to learn how to respect you.

I don't know what were going to do with this kid but it's hard to console the center you understand that. She finally gave up and left the room and I got on my knees and pour my heart out to God this contrast. Oh God said the couch and I don't how long, but eventually he won't back in the house in a severe, could you come in your moment came in and sat down house that I will to apologize to you.

I said no fathers. There were sleepless on the west spoke to us that I know I said some hateful things to do and that's not the way I feel about you. I love you very much and I am so sorry for the well talk to and I hope you can forgive me and I just poured my heart out to and when I finished, he said dad that was not your fault. I started that and when I was walking up the road. I asked God to forgive me and I will ask you, and we cried and hugged each other – when we got through crying house of Derek, why don't we try to learn how to handle her anger without yelling at each other. So maybe the next time you're angry made you decide that I'm angry.

Can we talk and I'll sit on a listen and you can tell me why you're angry and the next time I'm in a real say to you, Derek.

I'm angry Kim talk and let's learn how to talk our way through our anger, rather than you think you see why I was so I was one of the saddest nights of my life because I feel my son and one of the happiest nights because he demonstrated that he knew how to apologize and I knew that someday he looked you're probably been married individual. So yeah, we know we always think of the parents teaching and training the kids you know.

But the kids also.

God uses them to help us grow yeah and I tell you I didn't think I'd tear up today. Gary where to go. You got me to it such a powerful story not only with your son but just your humility to do as you started the interview say we get apologize sometimes admit admit you were wrong and you even model for your son the same thing we have to do in a vertical relation with God when we blow it you just literally show it and we write the book.

I know you've written all your books modeling as parents is more important than we say, right absolutely absolutely nicely apologizing and hear us apologizing but I will learn to apologize. If we just try to tell that you got apologized. They'll never hear us apologize is probably not will take with them that's okay as we finished that I really love it. I just feel like on I feel like you're such a hero to so many of us would love it if you would just pray for our listeners as they're going through parenting. I know summer feeling so lost summer frustrated summer feeling hopeless, like you're doing it wrong and I would love it if you would just pray for us like to think. Father, you know what were talking about the need of the parish or listening you know where they are in their journey and all of us are older black.

We remember our journey we option the dials, the hard times in the fun times and I pray especially for those who are deeply burdened because there's thinking to themselves were failing our kids are going to turn out well.

This could be our fault probably help them understand that they don't have to be perfect to be good parents give them the courage to acknowledge Spaniards to their children apologize. We know the children typically will forgive us if we just apologize to teach us to model apology to our children and love them so father is parents here.

This tremendous bear to read this book. Pray that you would use it in a positive way to help them take steps in the right direction, brother. You know their hearts, and you know that they want to be good parents and I pray that hearing what we talked about the day and reading the book that we've been talking about that you would use this book father to touch the lives and then move them in a positive direction.

Thank you for the privilege of being parents help us. We've been listening to our conversation with Dr. Carrie Chapman and I love that he closed in prayer. His voice just has this calming effect on me. I think I need him in my home. As we were raising our kids. I felt like you guys listen to a father when there is a great frontier in class and I mean you know even though her grandparents. It's like he's so wise, the things he shared were so wise and I gotta tell you I was surprised when I threw the question to him about Perry mistakes. There's part of me thought you may have one little one. We have a multitude but he's get out. You know he's the master and man when he shared that moment I was tearing me to. I mean it was so powerful, not just the mistake of having Emmy he took us into that that conversation where there yelling at each other and you can feel that is apparent because I don't think there is apparent listening that hasn't had that moment yeah every parent in my right yes heaven there are no perfect parents and there are no perfect kids and so we we blow it and we miss it. And the thing that Gary modeled is often those conversations are those moments don't get reconciled. They don't you know that we don't go back is apparent in apologize and it's we have to. It's powerful and often we never do. I'm surprised even with adult kids, how are still apologize are you likely are kids there telling us all this really hurt me when I was little and I think some people could think all of that was years ago, but now it still hurts them. And so for us to continue to never stop apologizing and for our kids to OAC.

We need Jesus and we are broken, but he can restore us down. I think it's never too late. Yes it does matter how old you are. Hold your kids are on apology. Either way is powerful and even if they don't come to you as your praying in your spending time with God.

If you feel like I really did mess up or I said some things that were probably really hurtful for us as parents to take that initiative and send our kids.

Hey, I think. Thinking have been praying and realizing I probably really hurt you just want you and I'm really sorry I think I can go a long way telling Tolkien because we've done it and we will continue to have to do it with our adult kids and I'm sure what to do with our grandkids, but it models the love in the heart. I think God don't be unbroken and soft and gentle and asking for forgiveness parenting tools that need to keep in our toolbelt is an understanding that our children will receive love differently and we need to be giving love to them demonstrating love to them according to their love language, but no matter what their love languages being moms and dads were humble enough to acknowledge when we've messed up and to seek forgiveness from our children.

That's so powerful, so important, David and Wilson of the talking today to Dr. Gary Chapman, who has written extensively on the subject of love languages, marriage, parenting. He's written a book about the language of apology which they've touched on today and of course Dave and I am have a brand-new book called no perfect parents ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting. We got copies of David Anne's book available in our family life today resource Center. If you have not read their latest book you want to get a copy go to family life today.com and order your copy of no perfect parents by Dave and Ann Wilson can order online@familylifetoday.com or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life than the word today, not tomorrow. David and Wilson are going to probe a subject that I think is become more common in our culture families where fear has become a dominant feature. How do we handle that in our family when there is an on reasonable fear that is like a cloud over the whole family. Kevin Thompson joins them to talk about how you can have a fearless family tomorrow. Hope you could be with us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on bottle peen see you again tomorrow for another edition of family life today.

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