Taking Back Your Home From the Phone

Okay what habit of mine frustrates you the miles that I know what you're going to say you are. Maybe I'm gonna say something different okay go for it that you spend way too much time with your new best friend my new best friend is your phone thing in my left hand right. This is our biggest argument. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send it on Dave Wilson and you can find us@familyliketoday.com or on our family life.

This is family life today. This is our biggest argument ER phone call. The good thing is today. We got help. He got so grateful that we have help is not you sent me. We got Arlene Peloquin with this today.

Who's an expert on screen time in the digital world. This little iPhone thing. I got my hand welcome to family today. I did know was going be doing an intervention is an excellent cyclic so that your listening and you know you are not alone written a book called screen kids five kills every child needs a tech driven world debit the book. I want my wife to read is the book you wrote called 31 days to a happy husband to get one. That wasn't what all about is all about me here is not about and that is for us as wives to consider our husbands again and dream about them again so you know as the marriage goes on. You get busy with your career with your kids, your husband, he's an adult he can take care of himself and so for 31 days. You say you know what let me dream about him a little bit.

Let me dote on him. Let me think about Emily consider him and is just a good way to kind of rekindle that one day that a happy husband now. When Dave hears about a book like that and brief for himself to say just make sure it's accurate to get that and start doing it for 30 Monday I got done right now our listeners to get a surreal put on family today.com get their book in one day.

Yeah, you're never happy husband and I have heard of a couple who bought two copies and one was for the wife and one was for the husband and the husband literally highlighted the parts so very clever lawyers.

Another thing you do you have the happy home podcast "being a wife and a mother three kids, so you get a busy crazy life that I know on the happy home podcast as well as your books. You talk a lot about screen time yes and were living in a world of craziness with her screen so talk to us a little bit like first.

Well, how did you get into this why this you know you can look around and you say what's going on, something is very different than it used to be and you cannot get around technology. It is a part of every single families life and for most of us.

I think it's a problem and that's why I've been writing these books because you see this is an issue the same way we joke about like a wire you on your phone so much and at your spouse, kids are thinking about their parents. Parents are thinking now about their kids and it's a whole different thing you I love television, so don't get me wrong, I'm an only child and I remember coming home from school and watching Gilligan's Island and I Love Lucy and all the shows in a row, but that was different because that TV was in a central location. It was huge, like a chair you know I couldn't just put in my pocket and take into my bedroom and there was a set time that you watched it turned on. It turned off.

He went on with your life that is not how screen time is now. Now it's individualized so we don't have to agree on what we watch as a family like something that I can watch something kids can watch something the kids are watching different things so maybe you used to watch a show together and it would give you this common vocabulary common characters you loved favorite enemies. You know all those that find it was bonding right but now it's something that's very individualized and then because it's so mobile.

And now, not just that you could bring a tablet somewhere, but it's a phone and it's in the car and it's in the school and it's in the cafeteria and it's in all these different places and it's really a disrupter anything. It's happening now is were living in a generation that we can't look back to our parents and say what you guys do about this. This is all new territory and so I think your book is so helpful because were all saying help you give us some guidance and instruction in how to do this. Yeah Barna research showed that 8/10 parents say it's harder to parent now than in their parents generation and it's because of technology because it's we know what we do with this and I think there's also you have to be able to see how that hope of will. What could this be like because there's this is easy to fall into. Will this is just how it is. This is just how does kids on phones is out going to be. This is how they communicate. Now this is a new generation, but what could it be, what are they missing, and I think that's what we really want to talk about in screen kids and help parents to get back a childhood because kids only get one because parents are working from home. Yeah kids are doing school at home and so when you're working you just saying to your kids here take the tablet and go email give me some time that I can work yeah Dr. Jenny were dusky pediatrician then she's a screen time expert. She was saying at the beginning of the pandemic.

It was like you know what parents it's okay, you know there's a lot going on. This is really strange you're at home.

You gotta work your kids at home.

It's okay. Just be easy on yourself, but she didn't realize of course that it would take so long as you know, a year ago in March and so now she writes if I would've known what I know now, I would've said turn off the Wi-Fi after school hours so that your kids are not constantly tempted to go online because the habits they form the longer they form them, the harder it is for them to break those habits and that's I think where we have to have this reality check where this is not this is not meant to shame you or make you feeling a bad parent because these have been strange times and strenuous times, but this is a wonderful opportune moment to say, from this day forward, you know, how can I help my child like being a real world where it's not all video games and it's not all YouTube, and it's not all social media. How can I help them transition so that it won't be this shocking thing when they're not able to play video games all day when they can't be on social media all day. When they really have to go to school in person and really look at one teachers face for 40 minutes in a row. How can we help that kid get there and to communicate with somebody face-to-face yes yes when we were in seminary in the 80s there was a huge big box phone you know that you could like mobile taken your car. In fact, were my biggest misses and the investment was I sure invested in the mobile digital world back then but it was a big old phone using VCO movies. Now you see you know James Bond with the but I run ever thinking when that technology started my thought. I don't know if you know original. This idea, but it was like, oh, that'll be great because you can drive from work get more work done and then when you get home you'll be home right you get all the work done, you'll be home you'll be present.

I had no idea that the opposite was going to happen. You will never stop looking at your phone you'll never stop work and you talk about early in your book, the effects of screen time in the digital world. The tech were which is awesome. It's wonderful, unbelievable benefits, but you talk about the effects on relationships and will talk about this effects on your brain, but we joke to the beginning. She says I have his new friend my best friend. It has affected our marriage that I don't want to admit it, I continually denied. Also, big deal. I don't look at that much and when your kids are soon dead you walk in our house and you pull your phone out and you check email. You check tax. It's like it's a problem so talk about that especially weathers in a marriage, or is apparent how is this causing problems in our home eye contact right so let's just think about that that when you are with someone and they're looking at you, you feel like okay I am heard. I am understood. This is great, but when they are distracted and looking down at something else you like. Hello, you know, so just a simple thing of you see all my loved ones, whether to parent or spouse, their attention is somewhere else. You know they've done studies where they put two strangers together, but to have a conversation but there's a phone present and they'll report that they feel like the person wasn't really listening very well because are distracted by that phone simply being present.

Not even being tied started then but just think they're not even on the phone.

They are just it's just present, but they feel distracted because they know that the person's attention is divided there wondering how did I get attacked I really want to pick it up. I'd like to take a picture of this moment you know whatever it is, but the same situation without the phone. They'll say oh that's really nice. I felt I made a connection with that person. You know so you just think about it that when husband and wife are together. I forgot the statistic, but it was something like the iPhone user is unlocking their phone 80 times a day.

So can you imagine if you try to reach out your cells just eight times a day right and you just reach out whether it's physically that you give your your touching them or that you're asking like hey babe how you doing are you doing okay today.

Whatever it is, if you restart your spec image of three judges has 80 times a day be like letting this happen it to you but will do that to our phones and our phones, they don't care their motive. You know they're not going to be like finely rescued me from my sleep you they don't care and so instead of reaching for that phone if we even said to ourselves what it meant to reach out to mice, spouse, and to even make the statement my spouse is more interesting than my phone with a will, of course, but then in reality, how do we moment because our phone has constant news has headlines that is very worrying we can compete. There's shopping to be done there's work to be accomplished as a world to save. I mean there's all these things happening on your phone and they think will, of course, that's more interesting and so I think we have to get to the point where we kind of can admit and say okay this is a problem, but also realize it's not your fault. That phone has been completely wired to get your attention. So, Tristan Harris. He is a former Google guy ethicist and he is all for ethical technology and he'll say you know there are a thousand people on the other side of that screen and that's why you're having such a hard problem Dave because there's a thousand people saying how can we make this more pleasurable.

How can we make the design better.

So the more it gets you more, how can we do these headlines so that they will grab your attention.

How can we keep your attention and its brain scientists and psychologists as marketers and advertisers and they are all on that other side of the screen, trying to get you and they've tested it over and over and over and over again. So here you are like me just check this photo know you're walking into this elaborately set trap to get your attention or is it only me you guys are acting like I'm trying to say, thinking Davis hope that it is he spending all this time I will get it and then my time. My usage on my phone that is higher than my I see her. She did know I see you to remember the first time he came up with shock. Yeah the better one, but because I think it's better because I'm texting my friend yet relational and I need to get that shopping done on what you think of no looking at sports the whole of the kind of like texting with friends do a global sports but let me ask you this because you already mentioned this. I've heard people say when you're out for dinner or when you're with someone literally get the phone off the table yelling because I so think turn it over your elbow will turn it upside down. I will see it and they said no move don't have it accessible and I think that is doable, powerful boundary really that you can say were going to leave this in my pocket were going to leave this in my purse and were going to have a conversation and it's the same for your kids and for the kids, you know, for them to see you model it. So if the children you know parents were always likely to finally put your phone why would your phone away. But for them there thinking well you got your phone at the dinner table right all I have to that my phone away when you got your front well mine is important I get something from working on the kids like that is not important. So if you're truly not an emergency worker and you really can put your phone away for the meal.

I think that's an amazing way to start that it's not even a temptation. Remember we had a baby and whenever that baby made a noise behaving. He was a baby like you made a noise when does it differ while I make sure it's okay to write regularly for the girls right.

Let me put in the night so we treat it like this baby and will always have it, you know, just a few feet away from us. So if you can put the baby to bed and really have times in your day mealtime would be one and I think when you first wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. Again, if you're not an emergency worker and you can do this to have it in another room.

So for your first moments to so many of us roll out of bed look at the phone get in the bed look at the phone close her eyes so those boundaries I think are really helpful. Let me ask you this. If I put my phone in another room and renown field convicted like maybe I should at night. Well, it's our alarm clocks to so you have to get an old-fashioned and you can do this again goes the FAA they like my question just going to confess all put my phone another room may be trimmed off which I can be honest renown like no way. How can I live like that there might be an emergency if I'm in the morning, but here's what I know of. Got my watch on it so digital watch. So it's a little bit and I will roll over and I will still look at it.

Do I get rid of the watch. Do I eliminate digital screens for bit done and you know everyone to say this will be different for some people it might be. Yeah let's get rid of the watch and let's get clean playing hard to write a Bugs Bunny alarm clock. I get up.I will go for so go get all the digital stuff out, but for others, you know the watch is really not that tempting is when you see people there not like staring at their watch for hours. You know, because it's small and there's only limited things you can do and after lifecycle Camden. So if the watch isn't a problem for you, then maybe that's a good solution that the phone goes out in the watch stated I was just thinking maybe you ask your spouse because I bet you I don't know. She's Artie told me a million times, but then you can also ask her so we open the door for the truth but I would want to say in two think I should put my phone away at night and my watch. That would totally make me feel loved. It says a lot and I will edit this for the show with anybody to know we have this phone away to like if we move them out of the bedroom and I wouldn't care if you did your watch like I don't think you want to watch would be an emergency right of something happen. I would get because when it glances at night. I don't look at it because it just sort of weird unless you really think like you know there's a playoff game on are some players that you talked about you know the screens affecting relationships are there other areas that the screens affect relationship to start even the brain because you talk about how to fix our brain about that a little bit yeah that is a huge thing for adults but also even more portly for kids because with an adult you have this fully formed, lovely brain by about 25 years old so you can make these decisions, but for kids like think of what were doing right now we're just talking about phone use and how it so difficult just to kind of wean yourself off of it and we are grown adult brain and so you put that kind of technology into the hand of a five-year-old 10-year-old 15-year-old and you think like good luck this is not gonna work. And so there is something definitely in the brain and we are very alert when it comes to like drugs are smoking or alcohol. We get that that's bad for kids but this whole screen time thing that's under the radar because that has a mix of good things online school Skype and grandma with bad things.

Addiction, pornography, getting your identity from the wrong place just wasting a lot of time. Obesity could you're sitting there the whole time so there's this huge mix of what could be good and what can be bad. So much to say about the brain. When your child is playing video games. For instance, and a parent is wondering like hello, I just called you to dinner 30 minutes ago. Why do you not respond. You know why you just need to get to this level that I can't stop now. So when a child is playing a game. Their body is thinking like I am running away like it is fight or flight, and we are flooded with the stress hormones and we are but there's nowhere to go see her body. Just like man I'm stressed out, but there's nothing to do here and then the blood flow goes instead of going to the prefrontal cortex of the brain which is the front part that's like the executive decision-making center that's like you know none of the bathroom for an hour, you should probably you really need to do is you should probably get up that part of the brain doesn't get any blood and instead their thinking survival. Their body is putting all the blood into like the major organs keep the heart pumping. Let's keep this kid alive, this kids in trouble. Stress hormones are raging. Let's go and so here's this kid in this constant state of stress and their prefrontal cortex is not getting a whole lot of blood and if they spend a little bit of time like this. Okay. But if you spend hours of every day in the state. Then you get to be 1820 and you wonder why my child. They can't seem to regulate their emotions, their emotions are so crazy they just freak out about things or there either so angry or so depressed and a lot of that has to do with that prefrontal cortex that part that's been given by God to regulate our emotions and to help us with self-control and starved their whole life by that blood not being there and so the brain is a muscle and it's going to do what you've told it to do and for too many kids all the brain knows how to do his work. In this digital world, but they don't know other things so you know I remember when we moved into our our home. We did to be close to my parents and was just dirt new construction and dirt miles is a Y in the work will be billed something your dear I hope so. So here it is dirt and of course now there's time. The roads that go everywhere I want to go but can you imagine if those roads and never been built. We would be in our house and be like this was a bed to sit will for kids. Their brains are just these dirt dirt and they make pathway so this is how you meet someone. This is how you comfort someone who is sick. This is how you press through math homework when you really don't even like math. This is how you get cut from a team.

This is how you asked for a girl I didn't get rejected. So you know there's these things and then there's pathways that show these are roads we know how to deal with this, but today's kids they are not having pathways to reading pathways to read the Bible pathways to serving others pathways to talking to their parents to listening to people even when they don't feel like all those things because all those pathways it's like concrete which is all it's all being set towards where video games YouTube being entertained so their amusement muscle is really strong for the brain but they're relating with people muscle the love one another, serve one another all those muscles super atrophied, nonexistent, and that's I think for parents to rise. This is a brain issue. What kind of pathways is my child can have as they grow up, and if they miss it because I miss it in those early years and that's really kind of frightening especially when you're seen toddlers on their devices all the time because they know it just becomes a habit here and so you're saying they're doing the same thing. Yeah, absolutely. It used to be that kids in the 70s would start watching TV when there about four years old and today they say it's four months for now, that's big difference. And so, if you're listening and you've got a baby, your grandbaby, then just take this as your friendly reminder.

You know, no screens before there to the American Academy of pediatrics still stands by that that you know if you're doing included TV yet they would say not.

Not having a TV so that that child can be looking at real objects and getting used to and faces right in connecting with people that that's important. They say they like the video chatting is okay so they're looking at a phone and they're looking at grandma or grandpa, that's okay but other than that they say not to use screens while I know for me as a dad and as a husband.

You know, this new term in the last year. Social distancing over here in a term before you know you think about we've learned to be 6 feet apart and it's safer. The phone has social distance us from looking at my phone is usually me alone and again there's a lot of great and good and benefits but often your mind is just mindless your wasting time II think of Philippians for a lot of us know this first flip is 480 read to you were Paul says. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things and rarely do I look at a phone and think about those things and you can there's the you version Bible app and I have a Bible plan every day and it's awesome but that's like 10%. The rest of 90 is like. I'm sorry wasting time here. This was a very lovely what honorable and then pulled away from my wife and kids on pull away from people and I can remember meetings as a pastor at our church where we all set a table and looked at each other in meetings now or there's a screen for everybody and they have to force their eyes up to look at one another and I thought wow this is a awesome benefit and beauty from God, but your helping us think boil boy we go to be vigilant yeah I want to say to any parent listening and myself in the mirror. Take back your home. Yeah, you can be on you to say I'm gonna leave my family well working to talk about screen time boundaries in place and by the way, I've got a B number one model and show this so I would challenge any mom or dad not only to pick up your book and learn good men just reading your book. As I wow I had no idea you are one of the experts in. It's not like somebody in a in a rumor that a college professor, your mom and a wife. He will in this so it's a pick up your book and take back your home. There is no denying that the 4 inch screen. We carry around with us the ever present wireless connectivity that we have with the Internet.

This is a game changer in how life is lived and it does affect relationships and for kids were growing up with this is normal.

It is setting patterns and habits that will be with them for the rest of their lives. That's why this subject is so important and why David and Wilson are encouraging all of us to get a copy of Arlene Peloquin's book. Screen kids were. She examines the relational skills children need in a tech driven world, we are making Arlene's book available this week for those of you who could help support the ministry of family life with the donation. We think this is an essential subject for moms and dads to be aware of to be on top of and to be intentional. The book is called screen kids. It's our thank you gift to you. When you help support the ongoing work of family life today. What you're actually doing when you support family life is your helping to build stronger marriages and families. There are hundreds of thousands of people who tune in each day to hear these conversations so that they can be equipped and discipled and mentored in subjects like this to help us think biblically about these things. You can donate to family life to a unwind@familylifetoday.com or you can call to donate. The member is one 800 FL today in the website is family life to.com call to donate one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life than the word today. Be sure to ask for your copy of Arlene Peloquin's book, screen kids when you get in touch with us tomorrow. We'll talk about whether it's actually possible to become addicted to your device, because it sure feels that way sometimes right we just instinctively habitually grab for the device.

Arlene Pelikan will be back tomorrow to talk about this.

Hope you can be back with us as well on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on bobble P will see you tomorrow for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most