Before the Ring

Okay tell me if you can remember a really really really bad date with me now though nothing about before America even after America's I got one okay what's your welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today thinking of you know time we went to watch our youngest son Cody play college football.

In Illinois you don't dog rice they were driving back and you yell at me in the car and so you're the biggest jerk. I said you didn't biggest idiot to me the entire day.

She actually said you have been a jerk all day and the reason was I was I was an absolute angry and paid worst part is that we had to do a message at Kensington onstage on marriage the next day that I actually thought she may not even conclude the argument until we are on this stage the next day that I was fun, edition got the watch but here we are. We've got expert on dating JP preclude a road of Rockies a pastor in Waco of Harris Creek Baptist Church, but he wrote a book called outdated. It's all about how to do dating right. I'm sure JP you've never had a day for JPL welcome to family life to so so glad to be here with you guys. You know that's what we go back to the conflict to work through the. The reason I wrote a book on dating is because I feel and believe I did it all wrong. I did all the wrong was I made all the mistakes I paid all the dummy tax and then I found the Scripture in that I learned to trust God and our found life in heaven. So I tried to write down some best practices yet subtotal find love that last when dating is changed it's so hard to date.

Today guys are asking girls out. They feel like girls are always say you know there's passivity amongst the men that come March. The dating world.

You have the whole technology issue of how should I do dating upstart not you have compatibility tested personality tests and yet work were as we look for marriage marriages aren't lasting were getting married last were getting married later and and people that are going on dates like how do I know what I know and how to find love and so there's all these banks. This just a lot thanks to that Marxist single people today, especially in the church and so I believe this book could change the landscape of dating as we know it really art a lot.

Maybe.

Maybe I'm uninformed a lot of resources to help.

I know when we started it.

I never I never had a conversation with my mom or my dad or any mentor to say Howdy date Howdy date well. Biblically, what is it look like for a believer to date there's there's more resources than have ever existed before, but not great resources and certainly not biblical resources and so you have more technology, more dating apps you know all of matchmaker professional matchmakers, things that exist to try to help you find your perfect person and that's part of the problem, because that's what people are looking for. And yet there's just so much angst out there. I think this book will be helpful to anybody who single whether you you've never had a prospect whether you're in danger, dating around your dating different people.

You're in a serious relationship or you're engaged.

I think it's it's going to be helpful or if you're a parent of an adult give adult children that you would love to help in this area of relationships yet one of the things you said you do is this every week you take questions. Yet this right so people email you have a contact as I go. Yes I do on Instagram.

There's a feature in the stories were you can ask questions all get over 2000 questions around 2000 questions every Friday and will answer about the hundred of those were between 5200 of those willing to give you one today.

We've got a call are waiting to talk to you. His name is John right John you out there question for JP. Let's hear it all stored for launch in Dallas, Texas. I want my best friend from stop codon from something that originally this godly woman. Are there any godly women from something from original documents not overlooked should be pursuing on this girl scholar Jamie from the story say is this: Jamie after culture numbers, and in February my roommate from Dallas Saturday, my girlfriend coming down you would mind.

Jamie comes down the first time coming down Thursday Friday Saturday driving back Sunday is a weekend after work I show up with flowers at my coworkers house which is where these two girls are saying and the door we like we just got a great night and I get back to my room at night. She's amazing. Something for aligned in the same way as being in the near future. She's living currently is living currently is running in the same way and she was the Lord is really cool at his pursuer Friday night as I struggled to make eye contact with her and she just grabbed for attention anyway and everywhere is like so internally conflicted and now start our plan to pursue your amazing I'm affirming I'm affirming I'm trying to share parking lot and she's going to leave the girl on Mike after our no, not really that is returned to say in person thinking it was all setting.

Waco market as a group on Saturday. I just want to be with you one-on-one that we spent 12 hours Saturday we go to brunch go hiking with you.

You are working all things were at dinner jerk you like Saturday for a week and she calls what are you doing to remove a number friend are just so wrong. So this is I tried to help the patient's but where did I go wrong. That's the question. Thanks.

Thank you for being vulnerable with us. I thought you can ask should we have gotten Krispy Kreme lighthearted easier anything. Do you have anything that you wish you done different. As you replay the story is something that comes to mind that you been tested on the really wish I would've done this different sounds flexion. I think the one thing I wish I would've done differently is not allow my coworkers as much of the situation is that around the table before seeking down there like this would be amazing this would be amazing this would be amazing. I'm writing this before I come on down a few things come to mind.

That's one of them. I think setting that kind of that level of expectation and pressure on a date and that's why think we need to hit the pressure release valve which is twisters coffee which is hanging out just a guy and a girl that we don't know if before building a friendship or marriage. We have no idea, but I hope it's one of those two could you imagine like what if God never made our hearts to be broken like what if he didn't create our hearts to be broken in the way that they are the relationships that that he meant for us to stay friends until we had some idea that this might be marriage, I think that's more biblically aligned than the way that we date today and and so I think that's probably the first thing is just expectations the pressure that you that was placed on the weekend so she said he said that, let's just let's just make this clear this weekend. This is this is to friends hanging out that's that's what this is an and I think by the end of two friends hanging out, we might determine if we want to try to date long distance but but right now here's where were at and then to I think the second that you got that whole love must be sincere.

Romans 12 nine that when you had this thought, you know what I don't know what to do because we have the entire weekend. You know I think at that point you could just be really honest, I always think honesty you can say all the things in a kind way. Hold on to that say all the things in a kind way and so whatever your your thinking read like you know she senses something soft to say is as we go into today. I want you to know what I'm thinking and home feeling like I'd still love to spend time with you what I don't want to do is lead you on and and here here's my my fear, and just begin to have those conversations as early as you possibly can and then the third one. It is almost a contradiction to that a little bit is also you can think okay I don't know. I don't know if if one time with the person is going to be enough for me to determine whether I should spend the rest of my life with them or not. And so I don't feel like were aligned, but I could still go with this with a little bit more curiosity but you can't do that if you go back to the first thing is that if there's that much pressure on the relationship words ago, I gotta figure out if this is you know the one or not. And so, though those are some thoughts and that I also think there is a red flag when she says had don't hang out your group.

I want to hang out you want one.

My sense is that some control kicking in and and so it's she's still clinging to know I still want and I'm still hoping and even in the way that you describe the you know you can't believe you always do this, you did as well as growth that's a game and I think that's her being playful and lead defense mechanism on her part and I just know that's we learn to date the wrong way.

Love must be sincere.

Let's not play games. Let's just turn her thoughts and words and be honest with each other and I would say this. John's question brings up some. You just mentioned it's in your book about you know you think dating is about playing games and you say now it's about being honest. Here's the question how honest should you be how early is the John thinking, should I tell her right now if I want to date with Dan and I'm not feeling it in my super honest right then or do I let it play out and there is the rejection not tired and that's hurtful, even if it's at the beginning phases because what can go through your headband's old voices in your head like there must be something wrong with me, you, you can determine obedience by the outcome. So just because someone cries or they responded poorly or the throw things at you, it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing so you can't dip obedience can be determined by the outcome or even the perceived outcome. I think you can say all the things with kindness and so how honest should be and be completely honest, I just wouldn't I would be also kind that you don't have to say things in a mean way that you wanted to say them in a critical way, but you could say hey this is honestly how I feel and you can apologize for where you feel like you that communication is hurtful is that I never wanted to hurt you in this and I don't want you to experience pain. That was not my intention, but I do want to be as honest with you as I possibly can.

John what is insulin kind and better to have it happen now in three months from now where he was holding it in not seeing because then your feelings and your emotions are so much my associate way to go John for even having just the the maturity to said I think I have to create boundaries from this person who is is not willing to honor the boundaries we've already discussed. I think that takes real maturity. Here's another question and in terms of honesty. Let's say you're pursuing one another toward marriage. It looks like you maybe are going to get married. How honest should you be with your future spouse about your sexual pastor big mistakes he made in the past. You just leave them in the past and you bring complete honesty or zero balance.

It's a big question I get asked a lot when and how much time should I share an essay on the win is, it's what you said when you believe this is going toward marriage right you will you want to begin to have those conversations and you want to share everything they want to know and so different people or wire different ways and select with Monica and I she she she didn't need to know anything. She's okay. I know you were a sinner you did know Jesus. You did all kinds of crazy things and I forgive you. I don't need the details is not good for my heart and medium like I want to know everything where women who haven't times all of that and just me know torture myself through that integrated her past was way shorter than mine. And so I think you have to have that conversation and you want to share everything that they want to know, and in regards to saying all the things another thought that I had is you want to know yourself and if you're a little bit of an emotional roller coaster.

I think it's unloving to pull somebody through all of those ups and downs like if your feelings are changing, like the wind blows take some time to figure out okay what do I really feel like you want to be like at the beginning they like hey I don't take a like and what you know what I think I was wrong. I said no service.

Each of the units like that.

Okay, this there's something unhealthy going on inside your own heart like push, pause, take a deep breath and figure out okay. How do I feel sometimes we don't know we just need space to really figure like it. How do I feel and then I'll say something a little bit controversial to that is how important is how you feel right. That's were you, I think you want to have some some amount of logic that trumps even the way that we feel because feelings are real, but they're not always reliable like sometimes they lead us in the wrong directions and so just just don't understand anyhow help important or my feelings of speaking is that when we talk about. Don't give your heart away too soon think the fact that mean what you think that looks like should I protect my heart.

Wish I give my heart a landing that was a big thing in the 90s and Jimmy do think there's a danger of emotional promiscuity and so promiscuity doesn't have to be physical, it can be the late night you know me to use long lingering intimate conversations that that begin to pull your heart a direction when it it's is similar to the question John asked earlier or just sounded like on that after that first date, like she was all the way there is no like man this is great and I can't believe in. This is so real, it is because of all those expectations that others have placed on that on that relationship is a relationship" because it was one date right and so I do think we just want to watch that and in what I see a lot in dating couples today and even friendships is people playing married and so you get that the late-night TextEdit at 1130 no good night sweetie. You know I love you just two friends talking, but their meeting an emotional need that they were never meant to meet and so be careful don't play married like let let marriage be marriage, let dating be dating and let singleness be singleness and and everything first season is a gift and be aware of what gift you're in, and I would just say of those three guys dating is the least fun like marriage is a lot of fun like it. It's amazing your ministry strengthens you can go in and be together and then strike the mystery have children Sex like experience intimacy like marriage a lot of fun singleness is a lot of fun, but you can uninhibited and uninhibited way. Build the kingdom you can go places like if I'm like hey I've got a helicopter outside and I'm looking for people who can go into Syria and build the church for the next year and all of your needs are to be met, but you have to go within an hour, like who could I take most of the of single people a lot maybe really well you nugget soccer practice on Thursday and so you know singleness can be fun. Dating is like marriage with without the benefits it's the interviews like no one wants to stay in the job interview you want to get the job. That's why say date with the purpose date with intentionality and date for as short as you possibly can.

One thing we haven't talked about and love to hear your perspective and you mention it in the book.

Toward the end is just the whole purity sexual purity part of dating and how to do it God's way, won't you, I would you speak to a single person about that if people ask you know the way the question can come at times is how far is too far. Even we try to break this down like what kind of sex can have a sex thing wrong with it.

Kissing can we make out you know what what is okay and I would say understand that you work like male and female were made to come together and that God invented sex that was his creation that it's good that he invented it, that he made it what it is and what he put it in a place in in the covenant of marriage and outside that marriage is dangerous and I don't think a lot of single people don't realize that what they're doing is just foreplay and that their body is preparing for sex, but that it it doesn't get to go there that that door is closed. That's unloving.

That's what that's when the most unloving things that you could do for someone and yet we do that with someone that we say we quote unquote love and so that's what I would say the line is, is when your body begins to prepare for sex, you've gone too far. You want to stay away from that line and impulses enforcement incidents better to marry than to burn with passion and so you want to get married right like that's the end. Not don't marry someone who doesn't love Jesus, you know all of the things that we talked about but know that that sex and intimacy is is for marriage and so I would directly in first for these sixes flee sexual immorality, all of sin the person commits outside the body, but whoever since actually syndicates the homebody uses her body are temples of the Holy Spirit as you run toward Jesus you are running from sexual immorality.

So run towards Jesus. If you have that there is solve so many problems that you can make to talk to the person that has just done it all wrong like even physical intimacy. They've done it all wrong.

What's their health. So some talking to me.

I'm talking to me the circuit 2000 and 2001, and I would you say that's the beauty of the grace of the gospel that he that God's no longer holding her sins against us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ that that God delights to show mercy, he enjoys showing us mercy. So as you repent and what repenting is is turning from your sin and turning toward God. He can heal you. There's also confession James 516 says that that there's a healing that comes through confessing to other believers with prayer, but continue to pursue Christ.

Surround yourself with other believers. You continue to confess. Continue to pray regularly remove access from toxic behavior from toxic people from from websites from the social media sites that that trip you up, remove access to them and you can be fined, you're going to be okay. That's what I would tell you the end and it starts with Jesus like look to Jesus, confess your sins embrace the message of the gospel that he's paid for your sins. That's what the gospel is is is the gospel is not for the perfect person like Jesus is a Savior and his job description. He's really really good at saving sinners and so if you're a sinner and you turn to him. Jesus is enough and I would just conclude with night I'm sitting here beside and 40 years, married, three kids, six grandkids 40 years of ministry from from day one of our marriage and the resource in here beside each other's we actually did the dating process God's way. Yeah, I cannot perfectly but man oh man, it was like everything that you've written about in your book. We didn't have yet.

They got it's out there now for someone to get but it was God's words applied to our relationship. And here we said and again were not exactly a guarantee you're gonna have the marriage of ministry we have, but because we did it his way. We sit here with the legacy we would have never been able to produce ourselves said that today is even if you didn't start like Brighton, it's never too late for some of that's our story. We we started wrong, but when I'm with you guys. I think the mistake that your listeners will make is ago that's good for them. Thank that's not available for me just say it you can do what they did and having now your books are written about it in the end, and there's radio shows about the law. It's it's a renowned love because it was built on Christ. Monica and I did everything wrong and I mean just about everything wrong, but when Christ came in and we begin to build our marriage in Christ we have scars but there there are hurts there but what we have is something beautiful now to an end. If you desire marriage that's available to you, but also finding that in your singleness, and in a complete life and singleness is also ultimately our contentment is not found in our circumstances, the apostle Paul in Philippians 4 said, I've learned the secret of being content, whether I have plenty or whether I have want whether I'm free or in prison, he could've said. I found the secret of contentment. Whether I am single or married. The secret of contentment is our relationship with Christ and finding our strength and hope in him. Damon and Wilson up in talking today to Jonathan conclude with the author of a book called out dated. We got Jonathan's book in our family life to a resource center. You can go online@familyliketoday.com to get a copy.

Maybe you are married but you know somebody who is single and dating maybe want to go through book like this with your teenager or pass it on to your college-age son or daughter young adult, you know, in fact, there's a young man at our church who I give this book to a few weeks back and he has thanked me for his copy.

You can order Jonathan conclude his book outdated family life to the.com to order it or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. I know that most of us will be listening to David and Wilson's conversation with Jonathan precluded today are not in a season where we're dating, but we probably know somebody who is David Robbins who is the president of family life is here with me and and David. Even if this is not the season worrying we have an opportunity to help someone who is in this season help them avoid the minefields right absolutely one of the things I love about the conversation is that it believes in the next generation. It calls forth the next generation. Just like Psalm 145 says one generation commend your works to another.

They tell of your mighty acts so that the gospel continues to go forth generation after generation and my own son for his most recent book that I gave them it was outdated by JP because it set such a great foundation and I just feel like we need to be thinking about whether it's your own teenagers or grandkids that you have, whether it someone at work that's now in the dating scene. How can you believe in them, how can you invest in them. How can you pour your life into them and how can you pray for them and and have the conversations to keep helping them navigate the unique season that the rent and so I just want to encourage you right now to whoever came to mind when thinking about either a teenager or young adult in your life. Take a moment, as we close, and pray for them right now. And then maybe just send them a note one email a text and say I want to know is think about you this week.

I prayed for you. I know you're in a challenging season.

Maybe get him a copy of JP's book outdated and give that to them as a gift speak into their lives and point them toward Christ. That's a good word. David, thank you for that and we hope you have a great weekend.

Hope you and your family are able to worship together with your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday with Dave and Ann Wilson will talk with Arlene Peloquin about how parents can help manage their children's screen time and why that's so important as your kids are growing up. That all happens Monday. Hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on bobble team great weekend will see you Monday for another edition of family life today family like to use a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most