Seeking a Spouse

Okay knowing all that, you know, today, and that's a lot you still date the people that you dated now never laughed.

Oh my goodness I had so many bad choices. And the sad thing is are probably thinking the same. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson in our day will soon as you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. Life today. No I would not of dated the people I did because you had the wrong motives the wrong actions, but with wrong motives wrong motives from I was interested in the wrong things that I wasn't thinking about character. I was thinking about me and selfishness. So yeah, I would do it all completed me to, I would've done it all different and I went of dated the same people you would've dated me with hope that was your first right choice and the same for me to so we have JP precluded with us who wrote a great book called outdated about dating and singleness. We are talked about, you know why date and use of the purposes is about to promise that fighting a spouse yes defined as possible get married to. That's the intention of a dating relationship, dating will not fill you in a spouse will not fulfill your think before you date you.

You need to think about that to make sure you have a grip on that that this is not going to satisfy me right into second part of the book is who we date and I love you know you build these on lies, and here's what you said, the myth of the one you said the lie is you have to find the one person made for you who is created around the same time you were and they are out there lost in the world of a billion people.

I like you guys.

I think that sounds really sweet but that's a lot that you think you have a relatively small group of people to choose from and you don't need to search high and low and you also have many more options than just one okay yet about this because it is in better news yeah yeah so let's just chilled the one idea because that puts pressure on you if you try to find the needle in the haystack.

There's one person that was created around the same time that you are the somewhere in the world that you find the first of all, it's a mathematical impossibility.

You know that right there. There were not even there's not one man for every woman so that there's there's some real challenges to that.

Secondly, you don't have to look high and low throughout the world right there's a reason that it is we look in history that there were there was a time in the 50s that you most people would marry someone that was born within a 5 mile radius from them.

That's change rapidly with the invention of the Internet and were more wired into other cultures and other places we've ever been. So this idea of the one is it's a bad idea in it and it's it's unnecessary to think about it that way will even go closer to home here so I'm 6'7" tall I'm weird tall right.

My wife is 53 I like guns motorcycles in the UFC. She doesn't like any of those things in my the one for her. But let me ask, is there someone out there more compatible for Monica than I hundreds of thousands of men would be a better match based on some personality test for her than I but she's the one for me because she's the one that I committed my life to I said hey I'm entered into a covenant before God with that makes her the one with the crazy thing is Dave people don't know what they're looking for there that if you asked young people hey what are you looking for, like, how are you going to know when you found some things that what you just know when you know if there is there to say what I guess I'll feel something I've never felt never been this happy. You want heaven to get to the sum that experience some level of happiness, and that set you up for more disappointment than just about anything.

But you would never interview for a job.

That way, like not knowing what the job is and I have just, looking for a candidate that I like that. I have some chemistry with right you would never do that.

And so you need to start by thinking okay what is the job marriage. What is it require. And so what am I looking for from a woman I'm looking for someone who would be an amazing husband and amazing father if if a man looking for someone who would be a great wife and a great mom. So I begin to think what character qualities am I looking for someone who would be a great wife and a great mom so I can know when I find it like when my wife says me to the grocery store and she's very specific if I bring home generic anything I'm in trouble. She wants you know Mrs. Baird's seven wheat honey something with gluten-free, whatever. And I gotta find that piece like that loaf of bread Larry to find that and I have a list, and it helps me. That's how I know when I found it I look at it and I compare to my list and when it matches… I thought I found it that's helped singles people should approach dating site. I am looking for someone I need to know what character qualities they have. So I find it I'm like oh I found. But then they say what if I found it and I'm not attracted to them like yeah yeah what if we don't feel chemistry we had people ask us this a lot and I would say there's a place for that like attraction helps you attract what Proverbs 3130 says beauty is fleeting. Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. Only fears the Lord is to be praised, so you if you hold that in most of the world does hold that is the highest criteria that you're looking for your investing in the most fleeting, perishing assets like that's the one that goes away the fastest right and and so you you don't want to just base an entire marriage, all on that external to you a quick story.

I was in biology class.

School was never my thing. I didn't was great at it. I really needed to make an a on this project in biology and the teacher was was parents up in case of the she was putting us together and and I noticed that she was putting guy with the girl and I had the biggest crush on this girl caller Kelly Kotowski Kelly say, but I had a big crush on her and and and I'm sitting there and I'm praying you have a faith at this time, but Lord please, please, there's a Jonathan and Kelly John think she is since Jonathan and Kelly sort. Thank you so much you hurt my prayers. You've heard my cries today and so now were partners in this but in this biology project. I was so excited because I was attracted to Kelly with the project.

We are to do is dissect a frog. Kelly wasn't good at that and I needed that needs a good grade on it today on this project. She didn't want to touch the frog should only get near the frog Flathead shows my partner based on the wrong character qualities because I didn't consider the assignments but the reality like Monica's beautiful by the grace of God. He's given me this amazing woman. But I'll tell you, like when when a kid is is sick and throwing up at 230 in the morning and I've gone in the room and in they didn't make it to the trashcan and the their room looks and smells like the inside of a Six Flags trashcan homages is just terrible. Her beauties not helping me lightly. I don't need a trophy wife.

I need someone to go to war with the time and it it's not the way that she looks that that's going to really be beneficial at the 230 the morning assignment at that's all she has to offer them. Working to be in a real bind and that just like me in biology and obviously at the same time yet.

I can say the single person who right now is looking at you going okay dude easy for you to save got a beautiful wife. I've set on stage with Dan and said the single people you physical tracks and they look at me like, look at look at who sit beside you, you can say that after so should there be some physical attraction is it zero manners and matter little better. You don't have to be a martyr for service on that same thing find the ugliest person that nobody else is interested in and and Mary them got is given his entire book, which I think is a lot about our relationship with him, but he makes provision for this throughout the Scripture we see that he he's made us emotional beings. He's given the size he's made us attracted and in some ways, and I think that causes us to engage in the relationship, but don't rely on that. Don't let that be the foundation of the relationship and yet I look at Dave and I think you look at me and think I'm the most handsome guy she said bluntly that we are still stuff for you to edit that out.

I look at you and I think I was so attracted to you physically.

When we now but she said when past tenses and I wife and I still mainly been married 40 years and so I've lapsed you like your hair fall out year more attractive to me than you ever happened because I keep seeing your character. I keep seeing who you I see how you serve our family and serve our sons that that's what makes you so attractive to me and it's not that at the beginning I wasn't attracted like that. You are amazing and I still think you are, but I would just add this in response to it when aunt said and what you're saying. JP went on our first date me. At first there was a tennis. We hit a tennis ball around so I could say we felt alone actually talks time and we didn't play tennis gazes so that's what our first day, but I am thinking the Finn Finley reservoir. Yeah. So we go out on sort of like an official date. I think you're still dating another guy at the time so it was like you're behind what's he doing now. Long story. He ended up playing two weeks for the Detroit Lions and came to the Bible study that I lead and I said you can't come in this house to save face. Kaiser said welcome in job but he said no, you're right, but no on our first date we sent by this reservoir and I remember asking her, and I'm 22 going into my senior year in college think I would apply to all that you are 21 and I was 18 and she was just coming out of high school, so it's really a high school senior, almost a senior in college and a member just looking across.

I can see it like it yesterday 40 some years ago and said what he would do with your life, think and an 18-year-old high school senior doesn't know yet you know what you can answer and I dated many girls are not acting like I'm some big playboy but I bet you are but I have many different dates and never at I heard an answer even close to this use looks at me with this strong, not a doubt, there is no way she's answering what she thinks I want to psychic.

She's thought about this. You know she's like going to serve Jesus where he was me going to do whatever he wants me doing a restore for Christ. He's the greatest. I just can't wait to extend the kingdom of God ever said I would go there going. She's doing this with or without me you haven't him see something about me. She's on a mission, and I remember it was the first time my life in my that's the kind of person you want to marry and I knew that night that this could go somewhere because it was first time in dating relationship I had intention of marriage, and waste my time anymore.

You know, and if if this is compatible when you go there so I knew right then, because you that same night you had just said I'm serve Jesus he use me.

I remember thinking that going somewhere with God not into successful business. I didn't even know what it would look like in your career, but I thought I want to be written because he can change the world for Christ and that was so different from any other relationships that we had had was not what Monica and I said no, we just weren't we were following Jesus was Jesus.

Jesus was an idea and then the back seat that we would fight it about every now and then and I became a Christian will win. While we were dating I became a Christian and had it in simple conversation with her. We both trust upon the gospel. His death and resurrection for the forgiveness of our sins and everything in our life changed after that. But it was it was different than than the way that you guys came together dated and so then we become a Christian was like when we pulled the parking brake on all the fiscal stuff you know we we cut out the sin, the Holy Spirit, came in and cleaned us and I was like well this is really difficult.

We should get married if we were married shortly thereafter, truly, but in premarital counseling. The pastor said something to me. We we met with this pastor and he said that you guys where we are, processing and argument we got in and he said you guys need to stop pursuing each other and start pursuing Christ together and he drew this line is is like when you pursue each other. You guys miss each other their schismatic cosmetic close and and in any true you know this triangle, going to the cross, he said, but when you pursue Christ together you can get closer and closer and closer.

Then I sat there and I looked at that pastor and I just thought that's the dumbest thing my life I learned that in seminary this really cute, but I look back on that and it was prophetic that you knew it, it it's what happened. Yeah. Like when we started pursuing Jesus together it's it's we continue to grow closer and closer and closer together and so much of the drama filled all fell off because we had this common interest that we carry the first we get together we like it. Yet we liked you to the beach and we like comedy clubs, but today she no longer likes the beach or comedy clubs. And if that's where relation was built. I have nothing left but we still both love Jesus and were still moving closer to talk to the person who's dating someone that that the person is listening is like I'm liking this I'm following him. I'm dating this person Derek Christian email, but I'm kinda pulling them along to limit let me give you some things to inspect right so you're dating your dating for a path of support to a promise you're trying to figure out if they would be a great husband or great father great wife or great mother helical. What I look at first before 12 says not let anyone look down because your youngest set an example for believers in your speech in your conduct in your love in your faith in your purity.

And this is in a dating verse, but it does give you five great things to inspect so look at their what comes out of their mouth. Jesus says what comes out of your mouth reveals your heart sick or notes in their heart look with what they say and not just to you because there dating you there interviewing for the job.

Look at how they treat the server at the restaurant or how they treat someone that can do nothing else for them, how they treat the mailman what comes out of their mouth when they talk to the parents or someone who frustrates them what comes out about the do they use their words to build up or do they use their words to tear down the gossip to lie to further deceit to curse how to use the word safe.

Before he can go on. I wanted to slur my parents listen to this and use this as you teach your children. This is great parenting for your teenage daughters and sons who may want to date so you are type of speech and so conducts an example for believers and conduct how they act, are they given to anger writer. They are they self-controlled or do they have something else that controls them or they are they given to drunkenness with a living for the party right will how how what controls their emotions and so you kind of observing their emotional quotient and their act action.

Consider what they love to sleep.

The next word love. What are the affections of their heart to they love Jesus to the spent time at the church. They love to serve or do they love team and nothing is wrong with loving a team. But is that team the setup session marked their life more than anything else that you can use it as comparison. I wish you loved Jesus like that, or I wish you loved me like that in Jesus even more. You can kinda begin to see what holds what idols there. Their heart holds and then and then consider their faith right and that's not a check the box they memorize the verse and they own a Bible.

That's like do they believe in God.

When everything is shaken like the Psalm says what will will they still stand on the solid rock of Jesus Christ like they believe in him and that faith marks are like their living by it, not by sight. But they their living for another world that their living is that they're going to die and go to heaven and be with God forever and ever and ever and ever, and then a really clear telltale is do they honor the marriage covenant with purity because the person who will put their hand somewhere other than a ring box right he is telling you something they're saying I'm willing to go outside of marriage for intimacy. That's what they're communicating to you that if if they will do that with you when they're not married to you there saying I don't value the marriage covenant enough to hold it sacred and to carry you into it. I will am willing to go outside of it. So when you marry them, and you make that covenant with them and they go outside of it.

Don't be surprised. They told you they would such a peak. Talk about the red flags that single should be aware of is there pursuing a relationship kind of things are those who think the biggest red flag is that someone not having a committed relationship with Jesus.

So you want to marry somebody who's well married to Christ. I know this so Christian cliché but it's it is of utmost importance in marriage. I take about 2000 questions.

I do have some the cold Friday Q&A and I'll take about 2000 questions to answer about 100 of them every Friday that I see most of them right there so many out. But as I go to the mall. See most of the questions in there so many and they're just looking about my spouse is not a Christian I really thought they would become one. What do I do I feel so trapped I don't and I just always want to put that out there for single people to see that the that this this idea of missionary dating dating someone so that they would become a Christian is a bad idea and un-biblical minutes. It's forbidden in the Scripture thinking all changed.

Yeah, that's right. And and and that even marrying someone thinking will change them because the Holy Spirit changes people.

EE sanctifies us and so you want to marry someone who the Holy Spirit has because they'll continue to conform them to the image and character of Jesus, but marrying them hoping they change it is a bad strategy you know someone that's given to anger. This is a red flag.

Someone that has a track record of unfaithfulness. They they is someone who is stuck in sexual sin or or sexual addiction. Every Friday, someone asked me my boyfriends addicted to porn what should I do and I just rephrase the question back to Messiah.

You're telling your dating someone who is a serial adulterer.

What you think you should do right.

You're telling me Jesus says in Matthew five that they are committing adultery and so how would you feel if they were regularly sleeping around with that change the way that you look at this struggle and it's not like that person is damaged goods because I am that person. But you want to help them find freedom you want to help them find healing go go go through recovery ministry and send them into a small group with other people of the same sex that they can, you know, get prayer for for healing and and confess their sin to, but let them heal through that.

I think if they're not involved in the church.

That's a red flag like I want you if you love Jesus, you dating someone who's thriving in the local body there serving their they're using their gifts to their members. There there under the authority there that that's a big one too if they rebel against authority like that's cute when you're seven it's not cute when you're 27. Okay, so it's not cool to be an adult and and to think that you have to go against every authority that you're under and so the authorities that you're under of the government. It is one local authorities of police those kind of things but also your your employer.

The Scripture speaks to this submitting to you know your employer that authority and also your local church that you would be under the authority of leaders in the church and so those are the three authorities that I think you want to check for as your dating someone and and just a red flag is there there friends. You know that you you are that the average of your five closest friends and so who they hang out with the people asked all the time. What if their friends don't like me, you know what the family doesn't like me questions. Keep in mind that is spaced away from the family or marrying them to and so I would report to resolve that conflict. To understand to sit down and listen. Do not avoid it and and if you don't like their friends there. They're going to become their their closest friends so it's it's a real mystery to me that you would really love them but not like the five closest people that they hang out with different groups and and that's gonna tell you something about the discernment of an individual is who they hang out with. So those are some that come to mind.

Those are good. I have a few to you because we talked about this too.

I think someone who won't apologize in it that they have done wrong prybar.

Yes, it's a total pride issue. Someone who isn't willing to look at their past or to talk about their past who is not willing to go back and say these are some of the things that happen me that those can't be fixed, but just a willingness and then the other thing that I had last, someone who's not willing to engage in conflict. If there I can help and I can talk about it that there can carry that into your relationship until unresolved issues will just become this will all other unresolved issues the preceding you can even talk about anything is the number-one determiner of marriage success rate indication in conflict resolution and so you you want to work through that people single people asked mealtime how to prepare for marriage might get a room in a really dysfunctional one that doesn't do the dishes because that will help you with marriage is of no and I don't. I hate how I like to live alone. I don't want to live a somewhat electric and hate marriage is or someone always there like a shadow. You know that the issue back and enjoy marriage if you don't like living with somebody else.

Here's a question for you if you see these red flags. Maybe not all of but at least enough to be concerned and you don't break up because I've seen that over and over.

It's like here's a red flag seat. They acknowledge MPs got her she's got them and they just stay why why that your essay what I do and I was going to say because of people asked that on one Frederick unit is you know there's red flags militia, but I do not always just write the script for my so you you go up to them and you say, I'm so glad that I dated you because it is has allowed me to realize that insert the red flag right to communicate that clearly to them and I I've learned that that is not something that I want in a spouse and so I don't think we should dig further and you you look deep in their eyes, and you say that truth is the most loving thing that you can do. Why do they continue to date.

A lot of times because relationships physical and end of the year being physical in a relationship, a dating relation will keep in the wrong relationship too long it will keep you away from the right relationship and so some people are hearing that right now and you know I'm talking about you and just tell you God loves you he's crazy about you and he has better for you. He hasn't wanted you to date someone for four years, you know, five years six years right if if we're talk about how to date. I would say for as short as possible. Like go into the to the dating relationship. Knowing what do I hope to find out what I want to learn about this person and how do I how long do I need to learn it and what environments would help me learn it.

To find out if they would be a great spouse and that's that's what dating with intentionality.

Looks like some trying to determine if they would be a great spouse but they stay in that dead end relationship because there there dating for fun while I was 18 years old it was. I had given my life to Jesus at 16, 18, is the time I said that I give you everything go where if you call me and do whatever you want, I'll say what I like. I'm all yours right before we started yeah and so in my head I knew that I needed a break up at the sky I knew it and I knew it too and I didn't know Dave and I were just starting to talk then. And I remember seeing him feel like God wants me to break up with him because it's not going anywhere, spiritually, and I said that he is a key to his great any treat me so well in the next part.

I said is that I'm afraid that I won't find anyone better. So fear with keeping me in it and here's what this wise Dave Wilson said to me that we were talking. He said God is so much bigger than you. If you think you don't think that somebody it's even better close to you right in front of you right now you really were even thinking dating me.

At that point, then know that you really did to this. Married nine months later for you to find my dating relation before and exactly because when I asked you the question why do people say was somebody sees all these red flags is me and I've seen thousands since, but I dated this girl I would have. I had several of it. This happened eight or nine times walk up to me and say you should not be with mom said my mom said it. Friends said I was at a New Year's Eve fraternity party on a campus and that's us total stranger walks up to me at this crazy house with all the people says I don't know what you see in her.

I know you been with her for your she is not who you think, and he walks away and I'm ever thinking. Who are you, get out of my face and why did I stay. It was physical say something right there. You want the opposite of that to some as honest as their friends and family prays their love more than wine more than the party more than the wedding more than the dress more than the cake you want people around you in agreement.

Like man. This just makes sense, especially of the people around you are God's people and and really exclusively if there God's people.

If people who have the spirit of God. That's what and arrange marriages like that's that's you biblically. That's the only example we have of dating was arranged marriages which is not dating but people bringing people together and so in modern time. I'm a fan of arranged marriage when it's your friends and family saying hey, this just makes sense to not arrange marriage like you meet each other at the altar, but everyone around you in agreement. Like we are so in agreement with what God is doing here and that did happen within the public and to ask a question, did you did you say hey I got God wants me to break up with you to that guy. Now everything is so to the listeners as public service announcement and do not blame your breakup on opponent, phone wise counsel on how to break up on up to break up Dave and Ann Wilson. Jonathan precluded today really talking today about how critical it is to be looking for the right thing when you're considering a potential marriage partner in all the culture points us to a lot of superficial attributes whether it's appearance or wealth or job stability. We really need to be looking for values, character how committed is a person to following Jesus.

Those are the more important considerations.

Jonathan has written about this in his book outdated, which is a book that we got in our family life to the resource Center you can order the book from us online@familyliketoday.com or you can call to order one 800 FL today again. The book is called outdated find love that lasts when dating has changed and we live in a time when the whole idea of dating has changed order Jonathan's book online@familylifetothe.com or call to order your copy at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today in our goal with conversations like this is to provide you with wise, practical, godly counsel on the issues that matter most to all of us.

Issues related to marriage and family issues related to relationships.

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