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July 7, 2021 2:00 am
Our future doesn't have to be what our past was. Though we can't outrun the pain of hurts, Ron Hutchcraft explains how to face them and find freedom.
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So I think I know how you can answer this question.
Do you think you know everything about me that SFS is probably let's see if I'm right, would you say you process pain. My honest answer would be. I avoid paying federal like the process that we are the yeah what is.
I mean, welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today. If there's something that comes up it's difficult work. There's tension or there's conflict you hate you because I might. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it yet again I can blame my past I can blame my parents. You know who get divorced and went and drank it away and I learned sort of a run from pain and problems and I know your leg and you need help that I do. I'm really excited about our guest today. I only ever run craft is with us today, and he's written a book called hope when your heart is breaking in the subtitle is finding God's presence in your pain Ron. Welcome to family life to say she's really excited you're here.
I am better news for you all can't run from you. Always run faster than they will all run like we talked to Ron about his story of losing your wife Karen. After being married 50 years at the age of six. That's right, but you have to learn how to process that pain and I love that you started journaling I love that as a result of that journal. You've written a book about it and we've also talked about how do we deal with this pain in our marriage. Ron is an author year on the radio that so many of us have heard is called a word or two people say they like it because I can turn it off. I don't know how many books have you written code. There are seven or eight. Probably most of her coloring books yelled or not you and you are credible author, speaker, yet a heart for mission, dad dear evangelists, grandpa.
I like that yeah got three kids and nine grandchildren that's our baseball team that we don't have a name open.
That's all you need is right in your book about finding hope. I love your term.
We've Artie talked about defiant hope. Boy it's hope that this even was pushed down, it still pops above the surface you talk a whole section in there about how our past can sort of poison are present. If we don't handle it correctly. So here's a question, walk us through how we all live with this. We all will with the past like it's in the past, but it isn't it still hampering those in the very present and we all know is can be in our future as well. Don't deal with it correctly and let me just say every person listening has something in their past that is been painful. We may not talk about it. Maybe we've never shared it, but we all have wounds and so I am so appreciative that you bring it out into the open Ron that you say it's good to bring it out here because God wants to heal us. What choices can we make about our past like a starts with we face it you guys are probably soon what I call the mystery bag at the airport that we are going to claim your luggage.
If yours happens to be one of the last ones. There's always a mystery bag that number nobody claim is always doesn't matter what flight you're going around and so you just keep saying you're just another watch and would come around again.
That's how it is with a broken past that we have not finished is we are watching the same dumb baggage go by your good and it is ours actually or it's like a movie you hate that you keep showing you like oh I hate this movie about Hector's part, but I think a rewind what so your past.
Sadly and no doubt there somebody whistling today and that is so common and so normal and natural.
It's not the word were something bad about us, but something bad has happened to you or maybe some you did something immuno might be something done to you or by using way. But it's a dark thing from your past and the illusion is that if I don't think about it if I don't face it will be pastored I was working with her high school football team at our son was over 12 years old playing this game of football and he came over and he didn't cry. He was tough junior high boy and he was holding his arm, it was.
I mean, you could see it was bone you stricken I was. I knew it was really bad and he was in agony. We got over the emergency room and the doctor came in.
It was in excruciating pain.
Answer was being sucked because it was multiple breaks and I was one of those times was apparently like oh I wish I could trade places soda but Nina, let's say Doug, it should… I don't also go to the hospital. I don't go through all that okay just leave it broken okay now today he can't play the guitar, which he does not only does Greg praise and worship music. He would be playing guitar right because he didn't want to go through the pain of getting it fixed. Modification. Doug it will hurt so much more to leave it broken then to go through the pain of getting it fixed when Dave and I went to seminary. We started taking classes in our second year of how to help counsel people. I thought this is can it be great to learn to help people I didn't know that we were going to get into our own baggage and so I'll never forget as we were working through things.
My own sexual abuse came to the surface and I thought it was no big deal. Hadn't really thought about it in years and years hadn't cried about it and suddenly I found myself crying every single wish or postpone grief. I didn't know that having reporters there all the time exactly it was just morphing and coming out being acted out in different ways and I had no idea. Like why my crying and I remember Dave who avoid that. And he was wanting to fix me. He was so sad to see me crying every night. I remember him saying, but it's in the past and I said I feel like it just happened yesterday. Right now because you're just dealing with it.
Yeah, you said previously you have to grieve your grieving and a lot of us skip it and we think we handle it. We just ignored it and and a lot of us think as Christians that's that's how we can do it as it does business go away picture kryptonite.
Keep bringing you down. You can't be Supergirl until you deal with the kryptonite bank. Each euro I started dealing with. It sounded dealing I thought okay I'm done and cannot find that coming around again and, oh Lord, you are so gracious that you didn't give it to me all at once, because now I'm ready to heal the next phase, but it does hurt to face it just hurts more now to it won't come out necessarily in the form you can immediately recognize Richard, you're hurting people.
I'm not deaf inside it's like a toxic waste dump the just is. Culture names Ryan and were radiating out this damaging stuff from a source that needs to be dealt with. Yet in your first step is the courage to step it's the Hope step is the one denying it and burying it has been causing you pain and hurt all your life you live know what you know for just your example and use of all what problem you know Frank, oh it was coming out in all kinds of waste pencil people who you love who had nothing to do with hurting you were getting hurt by tanks and directly whether you need a counselor or a pastor.
Whatever it is first start with God. The Bible sister, pour out your heart before the Lord pour out means okay when empty it all, God is going to go you what yeah there's nothing until he doesn't know you so than what Robert you don't pray to inform God to inform omniscient, all-knowing God about anything. I love what you said you said the only way to be free of the ugliness in the closet is to drag into the light and then you put first John 1537 is like to be mature in here and there is no darkness that we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his son, purifies us from all sin. I'll tell you this hurt in the feelings and the and the brokenness comes from it are like a vampire.
They thrive in the dark. They can't stand the light only in the light. Do you have a chance of being healed and those verses which is God's light in him is no darkness at all. If we walk like she is in the light. What is you he is in the light no darkness where is my the hurt of my past, whether inflicted on me or by me, where is in the dark. I have it in the closet ever in a dark closet fine it will thrive. It will grow it will poison until you do drag you kicking and screaming out in the like.
These OKC just writing it out.
They were Jesus said I'm in the light.
I am here when you get that out you don't be afraid because I'll be here with you. Now it's out in the open. It's kinda like a surgery I mean you know you got open up the place and that's painful what we don't know usually were knocked out, but it's got hurt later to their some scars but Doug got the cancer's gone now.
You know, took some surgery to do it. So, if you will face it with Jesus. This is a great thing is he's there with you standing sink with interfaces together so you face it, that's the first step and before you go to fix it, which I think is your next step.
I would say to the husband or wife who spouses said we've got something we need to face from our pastor from my past year. That means you have to face of the stomach at her husband right now. Soon, don't do what I did in Sedona were good. That's just this can hurt more later for the human race is like that's us guys to them we are the people who are like what problem do we have a wonderful marriage. Sometimes it's the wife to it to whoever doesn't like things I have been denied right there we go. The greatest things they did for me. Is he read the book by Dan Allender, the wounded heart and when he read it.
I remember him saying I get it now and just those words were so healing for my soul. It made me feel like I'm not crazy like you understand me now and that was succinct this weekend and again I'm just a highlight with somebody that you love that loves you has said, I think you need to face something you could be in the past, but usually it is in the past. It takes courage, especially if you're in avoid or deny are like me. My son said that I think there's something she should face at 63 years old I go see a counselor in my first session with him as he lays out my whole life on this board and it was it was really well.
It was very good.
He just at the end said, here's your homework okay write this down is what you get answer for me before you come back next week and I don't care what is it, what are you running from highly unlikely, I rented from a Vegas look at your life here little I've just drawn up for you get all these different jobs over you been running from some your whole life and you know thing is that he smiled I could tell he already knows you, but I don't even see it.
And of course as I looked at that.
I'm starting to see what my wife is seeing my kids have seen. I've sort of run from as he said my whole life and even at this age it's like I can start new procedure. Family doesn't know why it's like right there just giving the radiation from the toxic dive inside of your company on exactly what it was and so there suffering from it. There feeling it. They know you got a deal was something they don't know what it is you're the only one on this planet reveal what that is I get a face at the longer you been denying it, the deeper it's buried, but buried is not gone Brandeis the solution toxic and then were into already know the step of saying okay, what do I need to do to fix what's broken inside of me and now you with the counselor so that is a very good step even to be able to talk to some of the people in this case.
Maybe your spouse is been hurt by it was been affected by it, and to say I'm just beginning to understand this, but there's been some that happen to me. You don't even know about that happen long time ago.
I haven't really dealt with it and it's it's hurting me and it's hurting you and it's just come out in different ways and I don't even understand it all yet, but I need to ask you to please pray for me this is really going to be hard but at least I'm acknowledging that it's there and that's my first step.
Here's the steps I'm taking to try to get somebody else to walk me through those walk through this kind of thing with other people has some experience with it. Who's not me who can be objective about it and I need your help. I need your help to when I'm doing it wrong. Tell me please be my mirror, but please be gentle because this is really hard for me. My response to that if anyone would come up to me and share that my first response is to give you grace because of how you protect most people would give us grace the fear that keeps us from fixing it and going there is that we are afraid that will be rejected. But when it's put out there like that. I think grace will be offered.
I need your help.
Forgive me. Those are healing words in any relationship. We talked of facing or fixing up what you need communications forgive it. That's big forgiving you may seem unthinkable to you because assuming that what happened you was unthinkable was terrible was inexcusable. How do you forgive that well only tell you what the alternative is reduced to do this dumb thing a church picnic six usually uses a three legged race is just another one of those not tie your leg to some it doesn't matter if you are a gold-medal Olympian you're gonna look like a klutz running tied to somebody else. You can't get up to speed when you're tied to somebody else.
Unforgiveness is tying you to the very person to be the last one you want to run with that hurt her in your life is now controlling your life so limiting the post by you're not affected by the present to you.
Forgive your tied to them and to forgive is not to excuse to forgive is not to deny the will happen to you was horrendous is a choice to say instead of treating you like you have treated me. I'm going to treat you like. Jesus treated me it's a choice of service forgive Colossians 313, as the Lord forgave you all boy, now or in the territory. This is not forgive on any human bases.
This is become. No wonder Jesus so know how did he forgive you because you deserved it because you were so nice to him. No, we said this about love and marriage. Lord I don't have it, but I know that you died for them. You died for their sin. If you could say father forgive them about the people drove nails in your hands and feet.
Could you give me the ability to forgive them and release both of us.
I'm tied to them. There tied to me by unforgiveness. And I've seen this happen with many, many people and it frees them whether the other person changes are not you are free and talk to us about how did you talk to your kids or help your kids and grandchildren process their grief after your wife died. How do you go about that. I think it's of course very important that we help them try to put into words or if nothing else, draw pictures of how they feel or write it if there more of a writer than a talker but you know honey I really want to encourage you to do this. I want what you write down your feelings about grandma and then would you if you'd let me. I'd love to read it or maybe you could read it to me that if they read it to you because they hear themselves verbalizing it and how you felt when you heard that she had died help them do what we said you should do which is to externalize it to give several expression in some form or another. Secondly, to describe what she's experiencing right now you know all the songs we sing to Jesus in church she singing of the Jesus right now she's with him personally. Help them see what she's experiencing end and to celebrate that as well certainly is to tell stories of their life.
You know, I found that our grandchildren we start to tell stories about us when we were young or you know the parents or grandparents there like you tell me more. You know they want to hear our stories because the problem is that we tend to get all totally obsessed and focused with the last days of their life. Stop reliving the end of their life would start reliving their life.
Life and start to tell stories. There's comfort in rehearsing stores. I keep thinking of stories about Karen that I knew that I really I never told them just a few days ago I thought of like I don't think they ever knew that Lou love to hear there's there's healing in that text didn't know, because when someone has passed, you don't know, like all if I tell a story about them will that just conjure out more pain. It may actually help them grieve if they cry, don't think I should've done that, you should probably means you should have Chris guess what with the tears they're getting it out instead of burying it inside and then I think again the focus them on Jesus and just to say do you know that because of what Jesus did on that Easter morning. We celebrated every year at Easter. When Jesus did on that Easter morning realize this is not the end of our relationship focus them on the fact that this is just an interruption in our relationship. It's not the end of it as an interruption in will be back together when you think of the past poisoning the present. You walked this through. Face it, fix it, I'm a preacher so I love alliteration your face it fixated forgiveness is the area to vampire again.
My brain works that way so I can remember you and the free yeah I know I have a story. Do you have a story where you've had to do that with someone or something in your life. Can I tell somebody else's stores are. I just think it illustrates what you know we work a lot with Native American young people. In many cases there's a lot to forgive. Cindy was betrayed by the only man she ever trusted, which was heard her mother's.
She never knew her dad Billy and she was assaulted by her mother's boyfriend and when she talked her mother about her mother said, I'm sure it's your fault as your mother didn't want to lose this guy so she chose the man over her daughter Cindy turned into a gang member. She turned into a drug user or drug dealer actually one night I had the gun to her head and that's when God intervened and Cindy literally got and I gave her heart to Jesus than the Jesus that her grandmother had told her about long time ago. Cindy had harbored tremendous hate toward the man who had betrayed her. She had hopes finally of a father figure and he's the one who abused and used her. She also harbored great resentment toward her mother because her mother had not stood with her daughter left her alone with this pain should vary depending for years turned into anger and all kinds of hurting other people literally physically hurting them. We had to retreat one time and I remember sitting was Cindy see Mike for a couple hours and she said I'm having to face the fact that I really do hate this man. She was calling it what it is I she said I really have much love for my mother and that was the beginning of a process. It was not.
And that night and they lived happily ever after, but over period of time. She began to realize how much God asked for and forgiven her for now realize the portion of the commode. I can't tell you the number people she was hurting because she had been hurt. She passes on very being very generous without hurt as many of us are, and she went and had a conversation with her mother and to make a very long story short, that caused her mother to start to consider Cindy's Jesus because Cindy said I'm talking you like this because what Jesus is done for me and asked me to do at this point. Basically, Cindy's mother, sisters, now will all be in heaven with her because of her courageous and painful choice to forgive the unforgivable. I can think of so many people who finally are free inside because that chain that is chained them to that person that unforgiveness chain, whether that person ever responds or not. And by the way she did also forgive this same man you know and that's still a work in progress, but forgiveness leads to freedom and you can be defined your whole life by the hurt you've experienced in your past, but don't blame that hurt as horrendous as it may have been in real as it may have been. Don't blame that for your misery and your unhappiness and your depression realize it's because you haven't faced having taken steps to get it fixed. Haven't forgiven it and so again it's our choice. Yeah I was going to say you're looking right now to freeman, who had to walk to journey with my dad and one of the greatest gifts that I gave my family is a legacy is freedom and forgiveness. And I'm not saying I can control my sons do but they could've been handed a legacy of bitterness but because of done what you said is change my legacy and I'm looking at a listener right now. San. What can a legacy and leave you have a choice and it's our choice. But God meet your right there in the middle choice and he resurrects a dead cold hardened heart and replaces it as a heart transplant.
You called your book and he does that and that isn't just a heart transplant for you. It's a heart transplant that will change your legacy.
Thanks Ron for being with my pleasure and my blessing you someone has said, when Satan reminds you of your past. Remind him of his future.
That's the promise of the gospel that are past our sins are regret our guilt is covered by the blood of Christ, and that our hope is in him our hope for the future is found in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, amen. Wilson been talking today to run hutch craft. Ron has written a book called hope when your heart is breaking finding God's presence in your pain or making that book available this week to family life today listeners who can help us extend the reach of family life through your donations family life to a is a listener supported ministry. We would not be here today if it wasn't for fellow listeners like you who have made this conversation possible through their support of this ministry. Some of them are monthly legacy partners, others will donate from time to time.
They have provided this program for you and for others today were asking you to consider paying it forward asking you to help other listers benefit from what family life will be doing the days ahead. When you make a donation online or call to donate, you can request a copy of run hutch craft spoke hope when your heart is breaking pass that on to someone you know who is in a season of grief or read it yourself and find the comfort and hope you're looking for in its pages. You can donate to family life today online@familylifetothe.com or you can call to donate at one 800 FL today I can be sure to ask for your copy of hope when your heart is breaking. When you get in touch with us. The website once more. His family life to a.com or call to donate at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today.
David Robbins, who is the president of family life has been here with us as we been listening to Dave and M and the conversation with run hutch craft and David. You heard Ron speak years ago when you were just beginning on staff with crew and what he shared had a profound impact in your life right that's right I'm listening today and hearing Ron just going man. We always need to be seeking out mentors in our lives.
People that have walk seasons that have gone before us because as I was walking into a new season in full-time ministry. I remember going to this huge conference and Ron speaking in him just laying out the need in Luke 15 to go after the wind and how Jesus celebrates when one person is lost and is found and it just captured my heart then it's why continue to be captured by the vision of reaching one home at a time and I'm sitting here listening to Ron today as he's walk through another chapter that I haven't had to directly walk through but yet seasons of loss do come in and out of our lives and I'm just here in this mango and this is why all of us need to ask people around us be an initiator to people around you that have walk through seasons of life, and stayed close to Jesus I've loved hearing these three days and I'm motivated to keep Internet with people in my community who gone through similar things and can keep pointing me to Jesus as I keep walking through life.
All of us need mentors and part of our hope is that family life to the is helping to mentor you was up husband is a father's mom as a wife and and all of us can pour out into the lives of others as mentors as well so that's good word David, thank you for that now. I hope you can be with us again tomorrow. Jonathan precluded is currently joining us. He was here last week talking about dating in the 21st century and how things have changed from back when I was dating Marianne years ago will hear more from Jonathan tomorrow. You can tune in for that on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine. See back tomorrow for another edition of family life to the family, like today's production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most