Intentional Dating

Hi, let me ask you honey do you remember our first date yet. Remember you are stinking hot yet. I don't remember actually adhere that humor you. You remember about what you told me now that I didn't have any idea I did now set a Yes, make a point of take my every thought it was weird like family. Like today where we want to help you pursue relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find us if you like today.com or on our family life is family life today. I don't know if I did I do now though today we go to broadcast on DVD with the expert who wrote a book on dating Jonathan Fukuda to get ready to build. How to know if you can introduce me as I was like oh this is you guys are on a date right now, watching it happen your standard deep into each other's eyes is amazing that so we do every moment with us is like a great day right to chaperone. I don't think so. Anyway, Jonathan got heavy here, pastor of Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco and I first found you online when you were leaving the porch and I did not know the Portillo ministry of the watermark church in Dallas went from 157,000 young people all singles demo predominately minutes is a young adult ministry, but mostly probably 95% single and it's ministries changed as it is. We've talked about before, where we probably have 3500. There in the room within 20 campuses around the country. People watching live from different churches around the US and really around the world now so yeah you are leading. Yes, I let the first 12 years were you amazed by the growth I was amazed that I would get to be a part of it, never amazed by what God does, yeah, but that I get to be a part of it has never ceased to amaze my know when I turned it on again I'm from Michigan. I hate to save anyone familiar with the porch. I just heard the name is your demographic it's okay I guess. I guess I turned you on and watched you in a Michael McGinnis. You can preach wow and so I'm like no wonder grew and it wasn't just that your gifted preacher in my opinion it was the truth of the gospel. Every message I washed you are leading young people to Jesus through the things that they were concerned about think that maybe the highest compliment someone to give because what else we can do about leading people to Jesus. And so that's the part that amazes me to get to be part of honestly and you're married just been married 16 years and kids that we have three kids, Weston our son and our daughters Finley and Presley.

This book dating is dynamite.

As we just read through is called outdated find the love that lasts when dating is changed and so is your talking to young people. Thousands of young people over the years you've learned a few things obviously about dating. So one of things you say the beginning is stating is changed and is not really working 70 will just think about is also dating is change with technology. The Boomer technology the way the people find love and looking for love that the way that their hearts are engaged in this topic has changed immensely. No one out there would argue that and I think for parents we need to understand that our kids are. They are growing up in a different world and the way they do this summer and we weren't swiping left or right, trying to find love.

You know, trying to find her mask. We were taking compatibility test personality test induced Myers-Briggs ideogram strengths Finder, all trying to find you a professional matchmaker's industry, so we have more help in on the topic of dating than any generation that has ever lived and were the worst at it and so here's why I say were the worst to consider this you eat people getting married later. They're getting married less and marriages aren't lasting and so whatever you would call the divorce rate today know that there's a discrepancy in this post, let's just say somewhere between 40 and 50% is most people can choose anyone that they want to spend the rest of their life with Ben and then it doesn't work out or or for a significant portion of the doesn't work out and that… Other significant number of people that stay married but they're just un-divorced so that's how I would draw the conclusion that most marriages fail to get some and in some are unhappily married. And yet we have more help than ever and some like for those who want to be married.

We need to figure this out the way that were doing this today is outdated and dating as we understand as we define it is a relatively new idea when that happened about 120 years ago entered the English language as a euphemism for prostitution. So to go on a date meant to exchange an experience for for sexual favors that you consider how the world dates today. We haven't come that partner. Having that that's still very much what is going on but we have reality show romantic comedies. The interesting thing about this is a significant portion of the world is getting advice from the people who were the worst at this Hollywood has the highest divorce rates of anywhere on the planets and they're the ones pumping out the hay do it this way. Let us teach you how to date hey watch this and and you look at the statistics that surround the areas of those production companies and it's like oh, they should not be teaching us how to find love at last we have to go somewhere else and eat in and so I would go to the altar of love, the one who is called love the one who not only invented love but embodies love and she's going to to rightfully tells us know we know the Bible says nothing about dating because it wasn't a thing that but it says a lot about relationships and and how we can foster relationships and so this book is observing literally tens of thousands of relationships over a decade seeing what they do. That works seeing what they do. That doesn't work, and realizing the pattern that oh when they seek to honor God in the way that they build and form these relationships, it tends to go well and when they don't.

It doesn't tend to go well and such as introducing those eternal truths so your talk about it doesn't work the least not working well. The way weekly day today. What are we doing wrong casino when you say all these things right. It's like while we personality test and I never did that. You know, we have culturally and did everything wrong estimate we mean we didn't do any of the things that are available now in.

I mean these these these people that can help us in and Tessa can help us are awesome and yet it's not working. Why not think people first and foremost or dating for fun and so we don't think about the intentionality, won't we don't think about what dating is, we don't think about it like a job interview and so whatever you would go to a job interview. The first thing you want to know is what is the job. Like if I'm if I'm auditioning for a part or a minute tried to do play a role. What is the actual job and so people don't date thinking about okay marriage how to identify if this person is going to be make a great spouse we date for the manic highs in the minute close I think so many young people today are addicted to the emotional roller coaster. They they don't and they can't get off of it and so girls will come up as I don't know why and I only date these scumbags are there though. Use a different word and and I'll say what you're you're addicted to it that's that's what you've trained your heart to look for Proverbs 423 says Buffalo scorcher Hartford is the wellspring of life. That's one of those I role versus like okay I get it. Guard my heart. But what what it actually says is more than you guard anything in the world.

Protect your heart above all else. Protect your guard your heart. Be careful what you let in because it takes you places you in in the world will say follow your heart.

The Scripture teaches us to inform our heart before we follow it. You don't want to follow an uninformed heart. You don't want to follow your feelings and your emotions because Pete that's what you've done in every relationship you've ever been in. You followed it in the relationship and out of relationship in a relationship and out of relationship.

I think that message it is foundational to what were doing wrong today when it comes to dating see that stuff is big because I hear you and think that is the fun of it. That is the it's the high low is getting excited just like us here right now the adrenaline rush. But here's what what happens if you write if you don't have the perspective of why not to do that. You just fall into it, we'd all just following today and I think that pattern is very real that were all falling into it singles are so then when you say bring God into this.

That's like all side what's that look like much that even mean we can grow up in the church is when somebody said bring God into it and don't give your heart away. I was so confused by all that terminology had I been caddying and handling. I give my heart away when I've done that all the time. Talk to people that have done to both of those.

I think you have to date with intentionality, but you and I'm always talking to audiences, I'm talking to a a lost/kind of new to Christianity. Audience yeah and that I'm talking to people who have grown up in the church and grown up in Sunday school. All of the church program VBS.

All of that and so I say intentional, not intense scissors guys out there they they hear that there's a great I can do that, you know, give me the list to do, show him to pick up a seven number what you do are similar to a minimum to open the door for unit what would take 10 steps to my car that undertaken here that we get there. This time, and it is in the number is oh my goodness this is really stressful.

It's really stressful for being with you so not intense but to say hey here's why I'm here. This is what I'm doing. This isn't just am not just following my feelings-I'm actually going somewhere and I'm hoping this goes somewhere and I'm in a process and interview process.

What I hope to do over this coffee is really intentionally find out if we want to have another coffee if we want to keep spending time together and so I'm in ask you questions for the purpose of finding out if if I want to do this again, and really, and hopefully to reveal to you if you want to do this again is a thoughtful, logic A+ B. This line of thinking, but most people don't think that they they show up in the cement. Hope I feel something you know. I hope I I hope I have another feeling that I can follow and and that has not gone well for us. Yeah, you got you just use the word purpose in the first part of your book is why we date so let's talk purpose. Number one is what is dating anyway. Can you define it. I mean, why would we date the dating is a path to a promise, so simply put is a path to the promise of your you're trying to move in a relationship toward a commitment, a lifelong commitment. And so the path to the promise and so with if we apply that to the question why do we date. We date to find a spell. So what if I'm not looking for spouse then you don't need to go to date. What if I still have fun you know with the opposite sex, one hour back to dating for fun and I could be fun. That's the irony that's the irony when you date for fun and you experience the manic highs medicals it leads to heartbreak. Lots of of sleepless nights, anxiety's not crying in your pillow that you were dating for fun ghost, but when you date on purpose. It can be a lot of fun because you actually see all now I know I have like to have measurable's had no if I'm being successful in this pursuit or or if I'm being successful in being pursued. I can see that I can cut a measure that I can have conversations around that Romans 12 nights of love must be sincere there.

There's no games.

I'm not left wondering always told guys is a guys let me tell you something the girls girls wonder what you mean what they wonder if you're going to call him. They wonder if you're going to text him. They wonder where this is going to wonder what you're thinking and and some people suppose it means to lead and dating us.

It will leaders remove confusion.

Clarity is kindness.

So as much as you can remove that confusion is much as you can lovingly say hey here's what I'm thinking so much of dating is just turning your thoughts into words so so much a kindness in relationships is just turning your thoughts into words and being sincere towards one another. So you sent on an early date, the man or the woman should state pretty. Honestly, from the very beginning there their intentions. I'm saying, what else are they doing there. If not, trying to find a spouse and and so this plays into specially for parents as you think about dating in high school. Some of get kids moving toward high school and this is a very real and in the you get boy and girl crazy about junior high and before and just trying to manage those expectations as a parent; on-site listen, this is what dating is everybody's gonna do it this way. Like right they they just are excited to go to the dance with somebody and you're going to hear that they're in love and you're gonna see the tears firsthand and I want you to take note where those relationships go, and everybody want to say that wants to tell me about your the one high school sweetheart experience. They know and I get that. Those are there and that's awesome and I celebrate that like the next person.

But what is what is way more, exponentially. I think I can say that literally exponentially more common than that are that are the many many many many breakups because as as song of Solomon says we've awakened love before it's time we begin to play married and that has not gone well for us. And so, with your kids.

Are they allowed to have a boy for boyfriend or girlfriend based on the definition of dating is that happening for us in our family we just say we've been on the site you you date from marriage and dad that is going to help you and II have your best interest in mind. And I pray every single morning for their spouse. I pray every morning that they would not awaken love. Before time.

I pray every morning they would not said anything evil before their eyes and and really want to help them. And so what I done in the first season of parenting is try to earn their trust in the know and just want to know like me and you can trust me have your best interest in mind. They are going to be. Sometimes in the future where everything in you says you need to go right and in an essay, you need to go left and it's going to feel like an injustice and unfair, but I hope that you will watch those times closely in my commitment to you is is I can't promise you'll always be right when I'm wrong I'm in own it fully, and ask your forgiveness and and seek to be reconciled to you but I really do want to earn your trust and in this one's going to be. I think the hardest is everyone in your class. All the girls around you are going to go crazy for boys and be talking about them find I date the conversations are going to go there and you're going to feel left out and you can fill alone in your conflict. You have nothing to contribute and you can feel like a weirdo and that your parents are strict and I want to make sure that we have fun you know if if there is a dance that weekend at the school that everybody's going crazy about it. If we can if we have the means I'm like you know what I'm I'm taking you to New York that we can you know are working to go working to go somewhere being over to do something fun, go find a travel deal or something and and and give you a better alternative. I'm always trying to think through how can I give them a better alternative.

And that doesn't have to be expensive. It could be a camping trip.

You know it can be.

You just somewhere in nature, something that they want to do really saying I want more for you. I want better for you. That's what God says the better for you than the world ARE you saying at 13 your neck. I let her go to that dance indoors at her caller.

When would you let her go.

I'm fine with her going to a dance and I think every kid. It has to be different based on their level of maturity and so that's a part of his parents. We have to be students of our children. But if she goes the dance of hope she goes in a group, you know, and therefore not. It's not like I want my daughter to not be around boys until she's married to one. I want her to be around boys a lot budget but just not in that one-on-one setting where we know of every every person over the age of 21. Hearing this right now thinks back to the foolish things you did when you were 18 hormones are going crazy, you couldn't wait to get by yourself and just push the envelope you know seat see how far or what you could do or rewrite the story and so yeah just I want to protect her from that NJP.

The last time you were here. We talked a little bit about your past that you feel like you didn't do this while I did not do this well why did that look like and because you're passionate about everything. And I gotta tell you one of our researchers who read through your book and and Rhoda some notes said I would say the book title should be everything I did wrong so that you don't do it to you as you said you're very honest and it obviously you were so jealous when he did wrong there. Nope, no perfect parents who send that some people would say I started dating to early.

I gave my heart away. I found identity in relation with the opposite sex. I grew up with just major codependency issues because of that, I don't think I was ever single longer than two weeks since the fifth grade. Most of those relationships were overlapping.

I'd gone to university for divorce because the way that we date is really trying for divorce as you get in a relationship and when you don't feel in love with them anymore. You get out of relationship and you get in another relationship you have all the fields you know you you know it's exciting.

It's fun. You get up in the morning you your heart beats you. You have a reason to live your thinking about them. You wonder when they're gonna call and when they do, your body releases all of these endorphins and and just a serotonin dump and you feel so great like on your own ecstasy and and then you realize that they do this thing that annoys you and all the sudden all the fields leave and this is a systematic training for divorce.

That's what we going to marriage and in the way that we dated has taught us systematically to get a divorce noise if you're so right, it really is were training ourselves for divorce and in some ways, you're defining a very very popular show on TV that I would love to say have never once was, but I've actually watched a few times as the bachelor. Eventually they just sort of model that look at the success rate live a successful exactly outside of of two couples that I know some is an email and saves three maybe four but but the show. It's been a long bright running show and I have had multiple friends on the show who I love and we have these conversations but you just look at the success rate of that show when it's IK were going to give these compatibility tests were going to create the perfect scenario Jordan let you choose from all of these people and you still get it wrong and again you sitting on the couch and I'm not watching it.

I'm watching a show you're not really into it. Diving is in the other room and I watch it again when I'm flipping around and then you see the bachelor, the bachelorette in your like this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen and your hot like sneaking around it watching five minutes into thinking girl don't do it. He's a liar, but the other watch parties, and they'll get together and they would do it. I think because of the adrenaline rush sort of the hope that I will. I hope this can be true, it isn't true right, it doesn't work in and that's the model you're talking about. That's right, you know the sex at an early age in high school and really just then then dating becomes a pursuit of that now you talk about not just a university. This training for divorce, but a universe of this training you for adultery but not just sex than pornography. So that as I became an adult that had an extreme addiction to pornography daily. Looking at porn, which is a university for variety. So an addiction report is not an addiction to sex.

It's an addiction to variety and and there is no room for monogamy for the person who's addicted to porn right so that I become a Christian that that's a story and never sell them at a club, some advice, but it took to a church trust in Christ you get if you get a gives little more of at a club Helvetica I got invited to church when I grew up in church I went to church school, went to church three times a week. Sometimes all kinds of Catholic Church Lutheran Church Baptist Church and and then I went to college in a didn't have a relationship with Jesus. I did all the crazy things that pagan college students do, and that I graduated somehow, and I met this club 18 years ago and someone besides I'm talking to this girl. Is it what you doing this weekend. She's a woman to check out this church tomorrow is a great pick me up and she doesn't I go hung over us in the back row smell like smoke and not heard the gospel. I had talked about the gospel with other people, but you know the Holy Spirit at that point she really exits the story.

I kept going. Week after week after week and then just really just getting get beat up like sit in the parking lot weeping like what is wrong with me and I just I was watching these people legitimately follow Jesus and I gave my life to Christ and the Holy Spirit came in and just cleaned house and there were things that went away so easy.

The way that I talked my language was terrible and he fixed that I had major anger issues. He fix that pornography and that lingered like it just didn't the I've done drugs been alcoholic. Nothing rip my life like that. Addiction that it just enslaved me and so you know I have accountability I begin to experience freedom and healing from that addiction I get married and and that in. I say this prayer so the pastors up there. We make these crazy promises to each other, you know, for better or worse sickness and health of death do us part. He says you may kiss your bride. We walked on the aisle.

Our friends and family are there. Their plotting is beautiful she is beautiful.

I holder my arms in the foyer and SAF say this prayer dear God, thank you for allowing me to escape the consequences of my sin as a man, I got I got away and I was thinking the pornography thing sexual said that I was thinking you know just on STD or unwanted pregnancy or or psycho ex-girlfriend or something like that two years in a marriage, and I realized how naïve that prayer was as I hadn't escape the consequences of medicine. He just came in a different way. I had no idea how to love one woman for the rest of my life. I had systematically train myself that as soon as I don't feel something him out and now I'm stuck and I felt so stuck and she felt so stuck and so were looking at shelters like lactulose, do I love you.

I don't know anymore I don't even know if I like you. You know what what we do and and that was a symptom of the way that we date but yeah that's that's what I please care you mentioned in your book you carry luggage secure the baggage. Yeah me were all standing at the altar and if we could see behind the unit of the reality we have these bags that we don't think we have them. You prayed a prayer thing. I'm glad I escaped that in the care and with maybe a morning carry-on going on that baby and it'll be worth talking about that.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I know that for Ian and I are dating relationship was the first and really for me.

The only relationship where Christ really was the foundation of every other one was everything you said JP… Like justice adrenaline rush. It was about sex. It was about thinking I was in love and then when we started dating, I just surrender my life to Christ she had done the same thing and it was like a totally different experience because we had a purpose to we are we going to marry one another and with that is the foundation it change everything changed everything in the biggest thing that we did that changed everything. As we put Jesus in the center yeah so I started day with prayer ended, they were prayer put boundaries on the physical relationship.

I mean I've never done that and it was radically different unless and if you do that you can marry that person. But in our case, that is exactly what happened and I would challenge the single listener put Jesus at the center of your dating life. He may have never done it before.

Get on your knees right now and say I want to surrender this area to to my Lord and Savior trust him and it'll be a uniquely different experience it as I sit here now married 40 years. I know that decision when we're dating changed my legacy will if it wasn't clear to you for today. I think the conversation the David and Wilson have had today makes it clear that the way we're doing dating in the 21st century in the United States is not accomplishing what the people who are dating wanted to accomplish that dating is broken and part of the reason is because were not approaching the whole issue of dating from a biblical framework. That's what Jonathan precluded his book outdated is really all about you to look at how we can think biblically about the subject of dating and whether you're in your 20s or 30s trying to figure out how you can have a dating life that is honoring to God or maybe your dating again after the loss of a spouse or a divorce. You want to have an understanding of dating that is biblical. That's what JP's book is all about. Again it's called outdated find love that lasts when dating has changed. You can go to our website. Family life today.com to request your copy of JP's book, outdated, or you can call one 800 FL today to get your copy again. The website is family life today.com look for JP precluded his book out. They did find love that lasts when dating has changed or called to request a copy of the book, one 800, FL, today is our number 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Not one of the things we know about some of you as listeners is that you are people who really have a heart to want to help other people. We know that because some of you have donated to make sure that family life today is on the air in your community so that other people can benefit from this program. Family life today is listener supported. It's because of a handful of blisters in your community that you were able to listen to today's program and if you are one of those folks who has helped support the ministry of family life over the years we want to say thank you for that ongoing support on behalf of your fellow blisters. Thank you for making this program possible for us.

If you are someone who likes to help other people earlier this week we talked with Peggy Sue Wells and Pam Farrell about the 10 best decisions a single mom can make. We will make copies of that book available to anyone who makes a donation to support the ministry. My thought is this is a great book for you to give to a single mom, you know, as a way to express love for her and to say I'm here to help. So make a donation to family life today request your copy of the book 10 best decisions a single mom can make will send that to you as our thank you gift for your support. Not only will your donation be helping others, but having a chance to give away the book to someone you know will be helpful as well. Let me just say thank you in advance for your ongoing support of this ministry, we do appreciate and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we're going to talk about the gift of singleness and of the Bible talks about singleness is a gift. There are some singles who wonder, is it a gift or as a curse will hear what Jonathan precluded has to say about that tomorrow.

I hope you can join us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine will see you next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most