10 Best Decisions For Single Moms

Okay Dave so most of our listeners know that your dad left when you're six years old and now you look back on how your mom raised you if you had to pick just one thing that she did write what you said. I laugh because there's 100 yeah you know anything stand out like what's that one thing you notice because he might've done too well. She loved me and told me I was the greatest every single day to the point where I actually thought I was the greatest. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today. If you had to pick just one thing she did write. She told me I was the greatest everyday speech. It is believed the man spoke in God's going to do great things in you and at that moment is like noise. I'm not can be the man I could be because I'm less than a man because I don't have a land only first got married. I remember thinking okay that's enough.

I kind of see now that is perfect for you. Please maybe call but she was incredible because now looking back while she had walked through so much pain she been married 25 years to have a son die within six months of the divorce. I don't even know how she lifted her head, let alone raise you in such a stable home and you guys didn't have much money you did with your dad, but when she left had very little, and yet you never felt that I feel that well maybe but what I didn't realize as a young boy as she was making decisions and I think she made 10 decisions, does it like it to others here with those figures to appear who wrote the 10 best decisions a single mom can make a biblical guide for navigating family life on your own and this is just one book of a couple.

These authors have written together you've written over 80 books I may not. You wrote them together but 50, 52, and Peggy Sue you've written 29 published. I read a lot like my computer but Marty football like these are little boxes. Nobody read books that people are reading less been on the bestseller list and that God only in everything God whenever that happens it's a miracle and down. My mom is probably my biggest cheerleader. Really, I'm pretty sure her hand girl, she counterbalanced the negativity that my dad and his drinking would bring into the house and I just credit my mom with persevering, putting 1 foot in front of the other you know that sometimes the biggest victory in the day as a single mom is making it to the end of the day they'll hug your kids. Give him a kids prayer them and put them to bed and then have a sigh of relief and maybe crawl into warm bathtub and just have a little bit quiet time with God, and him you've been married how many years now and will be 4242 to Bill and you have three kids. We do have three sons love Jesus we have great five grandkids love Jesus and so I cut my mom know that goes back to the family tree where she chose to walk into that church and walk away from the belief system that was untrue that she had been raised with as it was something very courageous that my mom did not only just for us kids but also for herself again to walk towards the truth and towards the light of Christ and Peggy Sue. You have seven kids seven children and for how many years did you raise them alone. It's been 20 years. The youngest was just a year old when I became a single mom so she has just grown up this now with a single mom thinking here you are a single mom, my first thing that comes into my head is financially year raising seven kids, little children by yourself now yeah and actually my children because I have the older ones. In the end, once they have two completely different families because the old ones had that time with her dad.

Yeah, they have memories of that and the younger ones do not. And so there is complete different upbringings and complete different memory systems and so that's a really interesting there is a statistic that three quarters of single moms have full-time careers and that the ones that do go on government assistance only do it for a short amount of time just until they get their feet underneath them and then they stop going to support their families one third live below the poverty line so you can be a struggle but these women are determined and they want to give what's best for their kids and they they are out there doing it and doing it, and working hard, and so to come home after you worked all day and then at the like okay as her groceries do we have food others that homework that we have and then you cost him a cut.

I only say single moms are like superhero. I single mom superhero. It's a synonymous term there amazing. So how does you to decide, okay.

Of all the things you can write about single moms.

You decide the 10 best decisions best part was handed to you as Bill and I had written 10 best decisions. A couple can make parent can make a single can make a graduate can make weed if we do 10 best decisions a puppy can make that framework had worked really well for helping people of all walks of life, or any just get handles on what's the next right thing.

The next right step to me. But when Peggy soon.

I compared notes about how we raise our kids so similar really both very proactive. It's all the highlights of the 10 best decisions yes decide to thrive.

So you can have the positive and adhere negative that did decide to be decisive, more decisive that you are, the lower your stress is the higher life satisfaction will become decide to create a nurturing home. Both Peggy Sue and I that was a priority that we wanted him to be a safe place decide to be a proactive parent and Peggy still share some of her secrets, and I will show some my parenting tips but we found that the more proactive we were. The less reactive we were to our baggage that we like Bill and I say Willie got married, led more baggage than a 747 and got helped us unpack it so that's the next one decide to partner with God like bring God into the middle of the equation. I decide to introduce your child to Jesus and Peggy Sue is like honestly a gifted evangelist until she wrote some really awesome things about really how to cultivate your child's faith and then decide to live in community, you need a safe space around a great church. What is a great church look like MPs and even launch single mom circle, which is a community for single moms now where they can meet each other and then decide to date date wisely. If you become a mom early in life and that's a big decision you have to make women there's no one right choice. My mom decided you can wait tell all the kids are out of the house and I'll start dating wind arrays launched and because we were in high school.

She said we had leave enough drama.

We don't need that decide to respond in healthy ways, instead choosing to not react but respond and decide lastly to embrace her happily ever after not look different for every single mom you know some God says I'm going to provide a spouse for you.

Some say you know what you're doing so great so you you as a lot of encouragement to other single mom. These 10. I think those are just for single mom every mom right we all go there so good for the moment let's start with number one because that's a great one decide to thrive. Yeah, and that's the choice because I can tell you of the times I laid on my bathroom floor, curled up in the fetal position going. I have no idea or the time I would get up walk around my bed lay back down because of mine. This wasn't what I planned and I'm not sure how to do this.

Would you feel is the feeling just overwhelmed. Absolutely devastating. I mean broken and crushed overwhelmed part is, like you know me more mom to get stuff to do. You know the dog throws up and the kids you have different that this is the Christ is the betrayal and the crash because you use this is the person who knows you the best. There's a relationship and then when you've had children in seven UVB experience things and when you have somebody the bank chooses that you like, no, wait, wait, wait you know is is it me something. I started and and so just that feeling of of just not being valuable and then click okay. When we go from here. So that was hard. That was that was deftly the hard part and then broken hearted children at the same time because of feeling the same. So that is like okay how do I take this and even in the hurt and even in the brokenness. How do I then start moving forward will. Earlier we talked about just your stories and, you did mention the trauma of the brain, even of what's happening so talk to us of like your crushed ear in a fetal position. Your brain is in trauma. How did you thrive in and you're taking care of your kids, who all have needs and there broken as well and with things that absolutely was my reason for getting up and moving forward and doing Bible time every single night and having good dinners and making sure that we had our chore lesson everybody did one Sade we call that service to our family. Everything you just said I think we did. It's really that it was because of my children my value that I love them.

It's like what your mom did for you and she just told you what a wonderful person you are and fill you up and it's like I wanted them to have the best that I can give them.

I want to take and get myself to my highest place and then launch them from my highest nice because I told him I don't want you from my top spot which means then you're in a way surpassed me was dated by the time there were 12 which is great hope is that then they get to their highest place and they'll lunch my grandkids from their feeding and feeding in an and get them to be able to have their full potential because God created each one for something here for reason and the big slide.

I had to walk away from and actually have somebody help me with was that this was done to me and that God missed it or that he wasn't there for me or when I cried out to visit please and he's like now you know I'm not doing this for you, but I learned was that God withholds no good thing. He says that is so, he withholds no good thing than what I'm going through can't be terrible and that there has to be something that God is doing for me in its every situation that he puts me in every family that were in that family dynamic.

He puts us in that because there's things in that setting that he can teach me about him and you can teach me something about me and that setting is alike now my kids are grown in a way of family ordeals that come up. I mean weddings. He knows anything that can bring in more opinions than somebody getting married in the family and so we are bumping up against each other and were knocking off edges. You know those hard edges and so I can either be in that setting and got okay God what you have for me here, and that changes the whole thing then I'm not so devastated. It's like, okay, you have me here because there's something here for me that change completely how I looked at the situation and you as her co-author. I can say that she approaches her whole life. You know I'm an imperfect person and when something like if they plan something to do. You know, for the Booker, etc. in my side falls apart.

She's like there's God and there's good she brings me back to the truth of the word and is just what one of the reasons I love to bring with it because she's a great role model of like walk out the truth like God is good no good thing does God withhold from those who walk up rightly. Psalm 8411. She has lived Psalm 68, five God will be a father to the father was in the defender of Windows that is who God is in his holy dwelling that is who God is and so when single moms do what Peggy said you did and say all right.

I can't change the circumstance that I can change my reaction and I can change why that's where the power comes from because then you grab hold of God's hand and he walks you through to that place might not be now, but he'll walk you through to that good place and I saw my mom's life.

No financial ruin, single wide mobile home didn't have a job building on a rant to a divorcee from California and so it was to slay. This is hard place that she grabbed a hold of God's hand and she read God's word and she listened to God's word and see and it being the financial consultant kind of in that city.

My mom so much.

At one point they want to run for mayor. She started this yellow investment that was super popular for a while and she helped all these women gain financial footing including golf so credible and the good thing that God can do like I just picture some wizards just feeling like my whole life feels like it's in shatters in ruins.

There, sitting in a fetal position.

I want to say your today is not your forever rise up rise up beautiful one. Hold onto your heavenly father's hand, it's also true as I hear you. I'm thinking of the children of those single moms that also have to choose to thrive at different ages. I can remember many times but the one because my mind is student Christmas Eve mass with my mom and 1011 1213 we go to midnight mass at II was becoming a teenager, I was angry I was hurt and I look over my mom with the candle and she's in tears and she singing and I just kept thinking you believe in a God who allowed dad to leave my brother. Did you know and I look over at her and she did.

She really did.

I just thought this ridiculous.

I wasn't a believer yet obviously didn't come across in my junior college, but when I came to Christ. I think it's because I watch my mom choose to thrive when now I know the pain she was feeling the battles she had to be fighting to say I'm still going to believe is a good God, even though I've gone through ghetto double whammy of divorce and adultery prior her spouse and then the death of her son, and I think in the long run.

It was contagious. It finally got to me. My mom's choice to thrive ended up being my choice. The thrive and realize that he is good so I wondered how that was for you, especially with your kids and you were the you know I was a kid.

You jokers you know Peggy Sue you write that your daughter said everything I thought was true of our family was alive so she realizes you know this is all not even true. What I thought.

And so she estimates of that work as a single mom to help your kids choose the thrive because you can't make the decision form but in so many things that came about in just walking through the what is a lie, and what is truth because I was able to say to her and I don't know. Stephen heard about that time because sometimes were not ready to hear something like it wasn't all a lie.

You know, I mean as a kid we have this idea what things look like, and when it blows apart you like will so that was like no, there there was love there. There was a commitment.

There was some things that are true and then there was things where it went in a particular way. But what happens is, there are facts, there are things that happen and where I got into trouble and where the kids have to wrestle through. It is only take those facts and make up a story about it in her head.

This is so true and that's the story then that I have to take to God and I have to put the story down that says you abandoned me. You allow this to happen, you would hear for me will write the facts of the parent that left I have a husband left. I think the site and then I made I made a story out of it. So one of the best examples I have to tell about this as there was one Saturday morning my daughter Hannah got up and she was grousing around the house as I do the mom thing living making routinely making pancakes imitate a few jokes in hand and respond.

So I'm like okay, done my thing and you're not now coming into this so that means I'm feeling very rejected right now. You haven't liked any of my things that I've tried to do as a mom to cheer you up, so I feel rejected.

Well, I don't like how that feels. So now I'm getting resentful.

So then we sit down to eat and she pushes her pancake around and doesn't drink or tea so she's not making eye contact with me, so I'm not to make eye contact with her. So now I'm in resistance you've ever given each other the silent treatment plan, and so then from there I would like will I really don't like any of this unique and see these are as you know, the first that the rejection and then the resentment and the resistance in the next one is reliance. So I'm in a do something to make you feel the same way I feel so we look at that room really when you clean that room right to see the stilettos that come out of the mouth and if you watch women.

That's where our mouth and the stiletto use our words as weapons and so I noticed when I hear that from other ladies and I hear them doing that something is what it whatever relationship is with her husband and her kids. There's an unresolved hurt they are not severe hearing so then the next thing is repeat first. I'm hurt and Isis and it hurts Hannah so that Hannah withdraws so that I feel more rejected. So then ITC I decided we do this like so this is one of the things that God had been teaching me is that I'm taking facts and I making up a story and so this as I got to the revenge part where I was about to say something about her homework or her room or whatever because God was teaching me. I stopped innocent Hannah. The story negative in my head right now is that I stink his mom and you'd rather be anywhere else on Saturday morning, then here with me. Okay, I'm just in a stop us for second like that is one of the great teaching point marriage of parenting that we stop we stop the story we stop the cycle and we say here's my story. I get talking up in the way you say it out loud and brilliant and we have to go back to the facts but I said that to her because God was teaching me this and you know what this happens with coworkers with the people go to church with your neighbors that happens with world God of Scripture about God, you know. As far as possible God says live at peace with one another in a hike on them apart. Clearly them right.

But as I'm watching step escalate in over holidays you know are people emotionally abuse one another and had pie like I don't want to do some missing and so he brings it back to us. The one common denominator in all my issues in all my relationships me okay it has to be me. So I said that they Hannah I said I've taken these facts and I made up a story in my head and the story that I made up in my head about the facts will always always always negative towards me. So that's the story that I've made up in my head and so I told her that in Hannah's response.

Hannah, can you blink a little bit like she was coming to. She looks up at me and she goes mom. I just kind of the boy I babysit for has the tenia nothing to do with me, but I made it about me and I found okay so finding that with Hannah and finding that with my coworker and my neighbor made them doing that with God.

And so that's what I had to go back and go. This is my situation.

The story I made up in my head about the situation is God's abandoned me. He doesn't care he's withholding. He's not the living God. He says he is awaiting for you and for you, but just not for me on the exception and that's what we go back to the word and I go back to a mentor and I go back to church and is like helping to dig out the lies and help me to put in the truth. You know what I thought is your sharing. That was the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. It took me back to Genesis of the liar who makes up the stories for us, who said to Eve, did God really say you must not eat, and I thought how he does that all the time. He just whispering those lies in those stories that are so untrue and because you brought into the light he saw the truth but it's a task that you have to take seriously and I wish he would've done it sooner.

I think it would've been better. I did go to work with the mentor on that exact thing and a year later when my daughters, who let she's grown and lives on her own. She came back for Christmas. Went to church.

My mentor was there. She let that put her arms around my mentor and said thank you for giving my mom back as the bitterness and the hurt and the pain makes me into somebody that is not fun to be with you think I mean we all do this. Everybody does love the students but do you think single moms do it even more twice as much.

We want into it already wounded were walking into it with the L1 Hannah when I'm already tied behind our back.

So I learned to with the kids is there is this possibility of being very negative because, well, hurt, and so we made up a couple of rules and in the family, one of which is because you have relationship issues. You have a spouse of a parent had that you know the thing in each kid is processing it differently and each kid has a different relationship with me at the moment that they have their sibling. At the moment that they have at their dad at the moment so we had to make up a couple of rules.

One is I want you to feel what you're feeling, because if you shut those feeling run off. We have no feelings. That's not healthy.

God made us to have them. Feelings are not right or wrong.

We had the bad ones on feel the bad ones with are grouped out like a bunch a great summation of the bad ones and get the good ones either.

And then feelings. God does not make anything bad bad feelings that are not better indicator is a thermometer that says something happened to my heart so I would say to them have the feelings and you cannot take your feelings out on another person or demand that another person feel the way you do or stop feeling the way they feel are we clear is just good relationship skill stuff right here that your teaching us it is, and sometimes it's a really simple divide in the road, even to the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy Jesus.

I came to give life and life abundantly until you hit that roadblock you say okay God came to give an abundant life boy that wears a good thing. Where's the abundant life. How can I be a life giver in the situation. How can I breathe life into that person and I breathe life into the situation and when we run to God with our pain and our problems. We gain help when we run away from God with our pain and our problems. We gain despair yeah and so the questions like who am I run into right now. Will Pam let me ask you this because you've been mentored and you've probably meant toward hundreds if not thousands of women and Peggy Sue. You keep talking about a mentor talk to the women who think I need that I don't know how to go about finding one freight director of women's history and a pastor's life. So this is where I dwell, you go get a mentor and here's I find when get into a healthy church. Step one in that healthy church there's going to be a life-giving Bible study getting that small group, small group, chances are there's at least one person who's walk some part of the same road that you are on this.

Maybe just a little further ahead, ask her to go for coffee and just ask her questions and if you click relationship is solid and she speaks life in God's truth into that great step, saying, would you be willing to meet with me once a month once a week throughout their just be bold and courageous and chances are women who never saw themselves as mentors might be some of the best mentors that you will ever find. 10 if they say no, they're not there so you yeah glad I really I is the best in mind free and at best a really good book to ask them to go through with you is asked to go through the single mom can only like 10 weeks. I think that making a really good friend that will last much beyond 10 we and I will wrap this up soon. This is wasn't covered both of you say things we didn't do real good in my family, my single mom family is talk communicate feelings in the family, kids, what you feel are now. Here's what I feel. You mean you just modeled for us.

I remember we never talk. I know any details of the divorce mean of my dad was much like yours when terms of who get drunk and it would be loud and mean and we go hard in the room and locked the door and we hear it out there and your mom ended up drinking and she is so traumatized that all or forget is sort of funny now, but when my dad came to visit us as a newlywed. My does its own, she goes hey Ralph, tell us your side of the divorce.

I grab her leg like you could say that but we never ever one you gave me this book I just got my dad is going to freak out just go crazy and he turns and goes all you want to know what happened. He had never thought about many times, but I'd love to hear what happened from your perspective anyway as I said there hello, I was like this is really healthy. We've never done this to work for us today. How it can look to make a decision to communicate. I just was so your listeners are some of you that are like my family like remember there's a single mom, single dad, maybe even a couple been married 20 years in your like there's some things we did talk about today's the day was have a discussion and let see where God takes it could be a beautiful, it will be eventually a beautiful thing. I know what I am you Sue and Pam are talking about here can sound intimidating. Some frightening but openness and transparency, honest communication. Having the right mindset.

As you walk through the challenges of being a single mom. These are all themes that are essential for single parenting to work and it's a part report. Peggy Sue Wells and Pam Burrell talk about in the book, the 10 best decisions. Single mom can make.

We are making the book available this week to every family like today listener who would like a copy if you come help with the donation to help advance the ministry of family life.

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Complete contest rules are available there. You know the board were prohibited, purchaseor all of that stuff you'll find that unwanted family life to the.com and again once you download the love you better Kip, you're automatically eligible to win M love my commute marriage cruise so I hope you do that. Hope to see you on the cruise 2022 and I hope you can join us again tomorrow when David and Wilson are talk with Sue Wells and Pam Farrell about among other things, how you carve out time to maintain a healthy relationship with Jesus to build your own soul spiritually when you're dealing with all of the other challenges that a single mom is facing on behalf of our host Steven M Wilson I am Bob team will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life today, family life accrue helping you pursue the relationships that matter most