Marriage First

Alright so I want you to fill in this blank. Are you ready I fill in the blanks was doing okay. More than half of all parents feel that they are blank clueless. This first year of parenting only clueless clueless have no clue welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Andre Wilson and you can find us if it we live today.com or on our family life. This is family life today, more than half of all parents feel that they are blank business like a real thing like theirs or the actual blank. Well I was reading the screen should be clueless and it's failing to failing in their first letter. We are failing because were clueless. You feel that all absolutely owing bringing home the son number one looking in the crib and thinking I have no clue. I don't know what to do a course I didn't have a dad I didn't really have a model look back on but yeah, I mean being overwhelmed with what you do and I felt like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm whatever I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm failing at it and so I think a lot of parents feel that and that's why were excited today. A good parenting book that we got what Becky bowed when Becky's been with us and were excited to have you back, Becky. Welcome to family life today. Thank you love it so your book. Enjoy every minute and other ridiculous things we say to mom's which you got 12 ridiculous things we say to mom's is an author as a speaker. As a mom as mom get ready for a wedding.

Yes no yes if you been married 26 to Bernie yes Bernie Q thank you so that you've been writing for while you been speaking to mom's for a while and so you wrote this book anything already talking about some of the myths are some of the things that we hear that are kind of crazy. Yeah, what if we had always hit you know. Enjoy every minute. The title your book. Wait till they become teenagers. There's all these great ones of me.

I'm just going to pick up the book. Enjoy every single one of them.

But the one that's interesting today is see it's your seventh one. Kids come first. You can work on your marriage later.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that because that is a very common thought, yeah, you know, the kids are the priority. Their most important, they come first.

Your marriage will always be there.

You can work on it later. Whatever way you say it like the kids are the priority in the home. Yeah so are they are they not even talking about that I would kinda compare it to. Maybe we do that with our health to like on a time right now to be healthy. I'll do that later. So I feel like with marriage, it's not something that will just on its own, continue to grow and get better and better and better at something we have to pay attention to, but I think it's so common, and just a very natural thing for the demands of parenting to just kinda push our marriage to the back burner where we just feel like we don't have the energy we don't have the money we don't have the time. Maybe we don't even have the desire to even work on this because everything is about the kids. I can't tell you how many women I've talked to that that is exactly where they are when I say I don't forget to put that marriage as a priority in there like I don't even know what that means, or how you might posted it. I can't even get my hair washed once a week. You know so when you talk to women how are you getting them to do that when they're feeling like they have no time to themselves, let alone to work on their marriage.

Well, I think for all of us is going to be different depending on the health of our marriage so my husband and I I am very open and honest in the book about writing about our struggles we have that we have gone through a lot in our marriage, we came into a marriage workshop at our church, probably 20 years ago I had called and said we would like to come to this workshop. It was called, restore, and they said well this is only for people who are really kinda like on the brink of divorce and I thought while we were really struggling but I don't think were at that point and then three months later, they did the workshop again and I was like where like I think we qualify. Now we were thinking of divorce but things were just getting worse and worse. So not everybody has that as their story.

You know not everybody has the struggle that we have had with learning how to resolve conflicts and dealing with our family of origin you know it we had in the bag, and so a lot of people have and I think that they would be able to relate but we came into that workshop and we never left.

We stayed and we became apprentices. We became table leaders and we just became a part of that ministry because it helped us so much so that you have kids at the time. Oh yes, we had children, you know, and we went to counseling. I remember one of my favorite pictures in our home is hanging on the wall and it was a picture that are older two daughters drew while we were in counseling, fighting with each other, but really fighting for our marriage and they could probably hear us in the waiting area where they would set the counselor were given this big pad of paper and some pencils and crayons and we came out one day and they gave us his picture in its Bernie and I and all these like a computer and a bicycle and a pot to cook on the stove and a folic all these different things that we did and they wrote at the bottom like number one mom and dad and I have that hanging in our home because I remember at that point just feeling like we are failing so miserably and I don't know if we can pull this together. I don't know if we can get through this. You know, so it was a gift. I think in the sense that we had to pay attention to our marriage because it was so broken. At one point but I think you know there's a danger if you don't do the work and that's your story, but there's also a danger if you'd say will really have those problems were just kind of drifting apart because the season that we are in right now sending our daughters off to college.

We know a lot of couples who are feeling like we don't really have much left like what is there really between us. We don't even know each other like it wasn't necessarily hostile between them. It was more like or dislike roommates and we haven't invested anything into this relationship and now there's nothing left so I talk about all of that but I so I just encourage moms. What ever your marriage looks like. Invest in it and find people who can come around you and who are for you and your husband, and I think that's really important, especially for struggling because of the say.

For me it can be easy to go and find people who will sympathize with me and I can tell them my story and they can say that so terrible you know that your husband said that or did that or whatever. But to have people who are for you and your husband and your marriage. I'm thinking of one of my best friends and at our worst point. I remember running out of the house at like midnight.

I got my car I drove to my friends house in my pajamas and rang the doorbell and I came and I sat on her couch.

I cried and told her you know just how hard things were.

We were, and it stuck in a cycle of just fighting and not being able to resolve like that you know you talk about those bricks then can be between you. We had a wall of bricks that we just did not know how to break down and so she prayed with me. I came home and the next day we got flowers and I looked at my husband and he was like I didn't send this by thinking maybe I should've that would've been a good idea but we got them and there was a card on it that said Becky and Bernie.

We are on your side and they had written their names and I still have that card and I never, we have never forgotten that we are on your side there for us and for a marriage and that's God's heart towards us. Yeah so I just encourage moms whatever that might look like, whether it's a date night and figuring out how to just spend time together and have fun.

Whether it's counseling find somebody 1/3 party who can help you whether it's a marriage workshop like what we went to, or anything that you can do to invest in your marriage.

You obviously would get the weekend. Remember the really really really helps couples but I want us this is a dad because I wonder what you two moms would say I feel like it's how now I think you're going to go Navy go ahead, you have no idea where I'm going. She has no idea.

Maybe she does it just feels like sometimes.

Mom's fall more in love with their kids. Did you know that I knew your vinegar, then they do their husband and I don't mean in love but it's just like priorities and their needs come first.

Again, they have needs their little toddlers or even though as teenagers. You can often feel sometimes as the husband and as the dead, I mean she loves me but secondary. Right now because the kids have needs and she's with them all.

I don't know it just sometimes you feel like wow not number one in this house I was at one point and I may be again someday. If I stay around. But right now it feels like there are the priority in their number one. And so it sometimes you are going to pursue time in this marriage because I don't feel like a priority. I'm going to do frogs take it personally. Though I don't know about you guys go away but I'm guessing there's some guy going to. I know that I did that and I can remember thinking I'd rather be with the kids than with days and times because I was mad at you sometimes and part of that was because we let our marriage slip. We continued to date, but our date night started slipping. I remember going on dates thinking I don't have the energy to really go there and so we would talk about nothing, we would just eat talk about the kids talk about work and that was it and I knew that Dave didn't want to talk about the marriage, and I felt too tired to talk about it and it really took us to a bad place in terms of I lost everything. I didn't feel much for Dave and I think that's the easiest time for that to happen is when our kids are young are exhausted and we honestly in our marriages. We can be resentful to think it's so critical that we really do address those issues. Becky, what do you think about that when dad feel like I'm not nearly as important as the kids while I'm thinking about what you said. I think what I would like to kind of add to the conversation is outsourced right now I want I want to talk about in the book is just the way that my husband and I would communicate in that kind of situation. So what I would call what you said is the story.

It's the story you have in your head, so it's I'm not important I'm not a priority and I'm wondering what may be the wife story might be the wife story could be. I'm exhausted and he doesn't even notice. Or it could be. Everything is more important to you than us.

Yeah so counseling session. I am not a bouncer but I am not at all a counselor, but I feel like the thing that is transformed our communication the most is being able to verbalize our stories as separate from facts. It's a good. I haven't heard that word your story yeah I think Renée Brown talks about that and that's one of the things that that's the language that we used in the marriage workshop that we been a part of for 20 years, but the way that we learn to communicate was to be able to just verbalize the facts separate from the story so the facts could be you know we got these kids and we don't get to spend very much time together they could be a fact that we haven't been on a date in six months could be a fact that both people are feeling kinda distant. If you both agree that that's a fact. But our stories I think is what messes up our communication the most because the stories if we think it's a fact you know if you're going off of that. I'm not important. He doesn't see me or she doesn't see me here.

I'm not a priority that can lead to a lot of miscommunication. So I think getting to the point where you can talk about that you now being able to say what your feelings are feeling sad because we just haven't had time to connect with each other and affirming each other. That's another thing that's built into the cycle that we kinda used to communicate affirming you know you're doing so much here. I know you're exhausted I'm I'm affirming who you are and what you're doing and then one of the stories I have to tell you that I have may or may not be true, as I just kind of feel like maybe I'm not a priority and that so much easier to hear.

Then you don't care about me. Yeah that makes sense. it's really good, really. I wanted Angie into able to just name it and that way and does it. I think it takes the defensiveness sound right because it's so easy in that moment to say well he will feel like you're a priority. I'll feel priority, you know, yeah, I remember the time your dad was up and he sorta said that to you hover over that good things for bring that live in. We had not heard that never talk about this, but he's a sort of my dad was there for the weekend and he's observing us and he's watching our family dynamic and he said our story, he said to me that night and you really are. Good to hear kids and I was like a stat that means a lot goes for Dave to beg you don't treat him as well as you treat the kids and I got super defensive. I'm treated him like the king and I felt like well you know I'm not good to treat Dave like he's Jesus the King and I was so terrible but later when he left, I said Lord is not true.

Do I treat Dave like he's nothing and I'm highlighting our kids all the time and so I said if that's true, Lord, I need to hear that. Just show me through other people through the word through whatever I speak to me and so later, maybe a week later I get a letter from my dad. I don't think I've ever had a letter from my dad in my life and it's this Ann Landers newspaper clipping that he put in an envelope that basically the headline was when your husband feels like the kids are more important, it will destroy your marriage was like no, but it was good for me to hear in sometimes and other people can observe what's going on. I was able to hear it.

David told me that, but I was more defensive.

Yeah, I felt like God was getting my attention that time it was health but I would say this. It was very easy for me at the time to not pursue her, you know, again I was on feeling neglected.

I'm feeling like the kids more important and yet I'm not doing anything intentionally to say I love you and I see what you're doing is a mom and it's exhausting and overwhelming object standing over her going. What about me.

What about me.

It's like a victim and I would even suited to the dads in the in the husband's right now. Go after her is the thing that changed that captured some romance back in our marriage was.

I started pursuing her and cheated me to, but she is exhausted in the kids are all consuming it and it was very easy just to sit over there and wallow in the pity party instead of going way way way way, what am I doing about this.

You know the date and I think that's my job. I need to get that on the calendar.

I need to get the sitter I need to get her out of the house and when we get there. Back on the calendar and I got around the house. It was an hour as we set a restaurant before she was fully there because again she's a mom and she's got all these things going on back home. It is like you. You're looking at her like are you here yet. You know eventually she would and we will put in a vertical merge book that there needs to be a daily weekly yearly sort of rhythm and the daily is like what would look like to pray with your your wife proves your husband every day and I know some are like are you kidding me. How do we do that, even if it's a one minute purchasing that connection on a daily basis. What would it look like to really make a weekly date a date you as you say in your book the marriage has it it it can't wait till later has to be right now. You know, and our kids. Now that their adults are married date and I think it's because I saw mom and dad date when it was hard to do and there were times like are we really got it. It was like oh it just they brought something back into our marriage because when we went on that date, and was adamant that were going to talk about our relationship with you driving so that was some that end up happening then once a year.

The retreat annually. It's like your pray daily date weekly retreat annually is once a year.

Do what you did go to store go to weekend. Remember go to vertical merge. I don't care where you go. Just get away for a weekend and put something to do your marriage because it's the hardest time to have a great marriage and it yeah and we've been married 40 years, our kids are all grown and I'm gonna tell you it is worth it.

Investing your marriage because when your kids are gone the houses and yet you won't look at each other and say who are you, I think we look at each other like this is fun. I missed the best in some ways, the best years of your marriage.

Yeah, yeah, I mean that we love the kids we want to live our home, but it is an empty home now and you look across the table and you're like I'm in love with her. If we hadn't of done all the hard work in the hardest years we might not even be sitting in the same house right under so many that they look at each after the kids are gone and their whole life is been about the kids and they have nothing. And these are the best years. If you paid the price.

And so if you're a mom and maybe you're working your your stay-at-home mom. Maybe her nursing and you feel like I have no time to invest for you to even show interest in your husband say tell me what's going on at work like him. I know your your world with me and not feel resentful because a lot of times were always comparing whose life is harder right then, but to really ask what's going on, how you doing hon that means a lot either spouse. I think you say under that marriage first, who is a great I will yet as you say the four sets of five words.

Yes, what is that all about, you know, things like that make me interested like what you talking about I have heard mom this say this was their favorite story in the whole book. I work part-time outside the home and this older couple had come in.

This was a few years back. They had just moved back to the Chicago area because she had Alzheimer's, so they were probably in their late 70s, maybe 80s coming in and I could see the deterioration. Every time they would come in. Sometimes she didn't know where she was, you know, repeating things he was so patient with her but I could see the frustration of him having to repeat things to her and then he started coming without her. And then they had to move back to Florida because she needed full-time care, and then when he would come up to visit his kids. He would still stop into my place of work to visit me and one day he came in and we just sat down and talked and he just poured his heart out and just I could see in his eyes that the pain of losing his wife gradually, the way he was losing her so I listened and as he got up to leave. He likes that almost like under his breath as he was leaving. I affirmed him and just said you are an amazing husband and you you have loved her so well and you are and I'm been nice that I'll pray for you because that's the only thing I could think and I didn't mean it like there's nothing like it's a last resort. It's like it's maybe the only thing that will help you all pray for you and as he was leaving he looked back and said four sets of five words and discount like walking out and I didn't get it. So I asked him to repeat it and he said four sets of five words for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part and then he was gone and I just stood there thinking we all want to grow old together.

I think when we get married that's what we want and the only way to do that is to live out these vows every single day. So I love Dave how you came back in you even just what you said about how you are pursuing your wife and to put it back on that the marriage it's not even so much. I'm not a priority you're not a priority. Are we making our marriage a priority. Can we start there to do the work over the years so that we can get to a point where we have grown old together, whatever that will look like in keeping our vows every day.

What a beautiful story, and our kids are always watching. Yeah, I know that story is my story because of my inherence and down.

They were married 70 years and I think growing up, I thought I wish dad would treat my mom better. I wish he would serve her. I wish he wasn't all about himself and then when she started getting dementia, Alzheimer's. She started cooking he'd never ever cooked or done anything cleaning, taking care of her in mind you now I'm an adult, but I'm still watching their marriage.

I'm still watching them and he did that. Becky, like he cared for her. It was the most beautiful remarkable serving that I've ever seen in my life and it got to the point where she didn't want to be anywhere out of his sight. It was pretty remarkable incident days. Yeah, I mean we remove them before the pandemic out of their forever home into assisted living. She was at a place worse.

She needed care beyond what he could do. He had 2 rods witness femurs from cancer at age 14, seven, you know. And right now I can see you slowing up the truck and look at it too could do you see on the news she's gone. Know what you think of a wedding picture and are both thinks is so beautiful because you get this perfect couple of the server area on the phone hopeful that they may not be be young but it's the best you know you know you smile because those wedding pictures are glorious but when you see a couple that stayed together because of those words for better for worse sickness and health, and we don't look as good feel physically, gravity wins, you know what that picture when you stayed together through the kids through the teenage years through and you fought for.

That's a glorious picture you know. And so I was there was couple that struggling right now with their little kids are there teenagers hang on right for those four sets of five words is a vow that God will help you keep and hang onto it.

Fight for the best years are, they will you pray like this just pray for jealous birth father God, thank you for really being there when life is overwhelming as we been talking about and the given husbands and wives and moms and dads supernatural Holy Spirit power and grace and patience when we can't muster it up in our own strength, even peace when there is no peace in the home or in the marriage.

God, you alone are our our help. There's no one else. And so we surrender our lives. We surrender our marriage we surrender kids we surrender the future to you and we ask you to be what we can ever be and we pray protection over our kids. We pray a powerful future.

Over the and that you just bring grace to our mistakes because we will blow it many times.

His parents put you in oversee all of that and race amazing children to be amazing adults that we could never do without you. So we surrender again to you today that I prefer the cup for the home right now it's really really hurt. I pray for grace to prefer peace. Supernaturally the flood filter home Jesus the madman.

Thanks Becky for being stinky for having grace is the right word is if we don't have grace them. We are in trouble it comes to parenting, but God's grace covers a multitude of parental sins, and we can find hope you Matt Damon Wilson the been talking today to Becky Beaudoin who has written a helpful book called enjoy every minute and other ridiculous things we say to moms Becky's book is a book or making available this week to family life today listeners. Those of you who want to join the team and help extend the reach of family life today. Help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope your donations are serving to disciple young moms and dads young husbands and wives. People who are turning to us from all around the world. Our mission is to effectively develop godly marriages and families in your donations help make that happen. So again if you can make a donation today would love to say thank you by sending you a copy of Becky Beaudoin's book.

Enjoy every minute and other ridiculous things we say to moms donate unwanted family life today.com or call one 800 FL today to donate again. The website family life today.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today will Dave and Anne's conversation today with Becky Beaudoin reminds us that parenting is both exhilarating and exhausting.

There's great joy. There is great challenge in raising the next generation David Robbins was the personal family life is here with us and David us is the dad to four kids you've experienced both of those feelings right.

I have absolutely and really in a season right now or there's been a lot of exhausted and Megan are finding ourselves with some empty tanks that were leaving to address with one another. Mixed parents came for a visit were so grateful for them to get to come see us and our kids in our new home. And while they were here makes 85-year-old dad got coated and it got scary, but the Lord was faithful, and he made it through and we just sent him and his wife home and Megan I looked at each other. Norman, we need to be intentional. We are exhausted and empty, and what we did as we pulled back out family life. New resource the dates to remember we took out moment one and we had an amazing it prompted an amazing two hour conversation and it just reminded me that when we feel exhausted and empty when we listen to one another with empathy quality conversations can fill an empty tank and Meg and I were able to to hear one another. Where were really out and that that resource dates to remember took us to that place. It did the hard work of setting up the conversation where we could really go to the places and meet the surface that we needed to go to. Looking back at the season that we just walk through. So if you're finding yourself exhausted at all.

If you're feeling like you need some intentionality to just little bump and set in order to have some real honest conversation quality conversation with one another. I would really encourage you to check out the dates to remember resource that we got there is information about dates to remember on a website of family life today.com you can order it from someone or if you have a questions, give us a call at one 800 FL today. Thank you, David, and we hope all of you have a great weekend. Hope you're able to worship together with your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday, especially if your house is a mess. If there is clutter around. If you have a hard time keeping things picked up, straightened up, whether it's you or the kids doesn't matter where you have a conversation about that one big room hear from Kathy lip who has some great suggestions how to deal with our missing this so good to them for that. On behalf of our host Steven and Wilson.

I am Bob Lapine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life accruing ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most