Building a Habit for Speaking Life

Okay was the best thing you remember somebody saying to you and you are a kid, I remember my mom saying to me, you know you are an accident.

We never meant to have you.

Now that sounds terrible.

I said something good lately. Make the second half. He said this, but I've always thought God must have something really special for you in this life was maybe 5 to 7 years old. I mean we go to church but I remember thinking I'll have something special. I wonder what it is, those words were so powerful in my life. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and will send Dave Wilson and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life. This is family life today, and today we get the about the power of words and it's amazing that you can remember specifically those words. And here's the thing. A lot of us can just flashback to a moment learn when negative boards were spoken to them. Do you have any of those. Yeah, I remember high school teachers and you'll never amount to anything because I was pretty rowdy and rebellious and get in trouble. I didn't have a dad my home they didn't see anything good in me and I can still feel the sting of that there's a part of me is like. I'll prove him wrong.

We get to talk today about the power of words is life, but especially in your marriage and your home. Yeah, I mean it's it's a power that we literally have in our hands literally Intermountain.

You know that we mentioned in part one of this message of very powerful verse in the Bible we mentioned before was Proverbs 1821.

Solomon literally says the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its email that makes me think of the story I've heard years ago. Remember Roger stop back Dallas cowboy all my favorite part of a grown-up course that I'm looking out of the engineering booth and Jim Mitchell's gut is Arlo yeah he's a Dallas cowboy is not well I'll never forget.

He went to a prison to do a talk and the prison chaplain sat down with Roger after he was done speaking, and he said this, he said you know it's pretty amazing because before Roger got up. The chaplain said to all the inmates, men raise your hands to how many of you had dads that told you one day you'll end up in prison and almost every hand went up and Roger when he went back and start talking to that. He said that was like I was so staggering to me that so many of those man and their father say that to them. It's so sad and the chaplain said to Roger. Roger, what did your dad say to you what were the words that your dad spoke to you and Roger pause for a second and then he said that so funny you ask.

My dad told me as a young kid, Roger. One day you'll play in the NFL just proof like our words carry so much weight to do but that always come true. Good. My mom told me I plan if and I could have honey that I didn't got me but it is true I mean the power of life and death to build up life to tear down death is in her tongue and yet you come in our marriage and think, okay, how does that apply in a marriage, and we said earlier that happy if you didn't write it down before write it down now happier healthy couples choose to speak life to their spouse and it's a habit that you built into your life in and if you study happy and healthy couples.

One of the habits that they live out his or not speaking death. Words are not tearing each other down with their words are not yelling and condemning one another. They are speaking, life encouraging build up words to one another again. I don't mean every single word comes out of her mouth, but it does mean there's a habit being built and this is some you choose to do just like a workout under build his muscles. How we get the gym and do it.

It's the same thing with your tongue. You have to build a habit to hold the negative words the death words and speak out the life words and that's that's what healthy couples do something you might be thinking that's so weird that would be so awkward. I've never really done that. Maybe start with texting you now texting it to your kids texting it to your spouse think that you CNN things that you love about them that can like think about your kids receiving that at school because our kids go out of our homes and it's hard about one's life text a day to your spouse and your kids do that for me one. I do it all time did you get one already know that though that would be a way to build a habit.

Yeah I'm in a text at least one life text, one encouraging building up words of affirmation to my spouse or my kids every single day. How long would that take a minute or less.

So here's the thing if they want to build this habit of being a family or marriage. It speaks life words how to do it will. Here's a habit. Here's how you build it in this Camilo cute because I want to make sure it rhyme so that you remember it, but I would say it this way if you think something nice. Say it twice. If you think something mean, don't let it be seen life and I am laughing at my I made it just it. Why people remember things right. I was an advertising marketing major in college and this is what they teach about people remember. So here it is again. If you think something I said twice. If you think something mean don't let be seen. So if you are looking at your spouse and you think something encouraging like nice say and I'd say say a couple time people.

Why don't we say to each other. I don't know. I member I me. I literally remember early in our marriage. When you are getting ready for date night and I member you came out of the room and I was sitting on the couch and you walked you into the family room and I was sitting there and I member thinking oh my goodness. She is stunning. You look beautiful. You're all dressed up and ready to go out that I said no I never in thought about Santa but I member thinking. While there we go on this day.

Did you notice this cry happened many glassy member was our kids were all little. I wasn't dressed up or I didn't have my hair or makeup or anything done, almost never when they were little and so was a big deal in those days if I would get all dressed up and put address on yeah so we go out. Who knows how her date was, but I remember is where Kronenberg later that night you said hey did you think I look nice tonight sounds so off course I was like oh my goodness yeah when you walked in the favor. I should know you. I just thought myself. You are beautiful and stunningly that I member you you said you didn't think that Mike don't know.

I really did. I thought everything you go know you do not know what you mean I did you go if you thought that you said it thinking that you know I had the brains to speak nice things twice. I remember learning write down letters like why didn't I say I have no idea. But again, if you think something nice said twice. Make sure you say you know it is a like why told her on our wedding day, a lover of never need to say to get illicit changes so that needs be said you need to speak life constantly in your marriage don't keep to yourself. What we've learned so much from the Palatines with Chante and Jeff because they've talked about like you saying thank you in their books. They talk about that say thank you and I remember reading and thinking okay I can do that and so I'll never forget like he took the trash out when you do that lie to her all but I had never thanked you before, because I thought of course he should take out the trash. That's his job.

If anyone thanked me for my job. Did anyone think me for such a wrong attitude and so I remember saying hey thanks hon for taking out the garbage here like like that. I was like to get it out every night after that everything again. You know life words are motivating and here's one way to think about this, and I'll never forget. We were at church couple years ago and is really cool when want your kid says something and it's like sort of profound you like wow that's that's true and powerful and so our youngest son was on stage preaching. He was my co-pastor at the time Cody in a memory he made the statement which I have in my notes because I literally wrote it down.

I returned you going there was a good truth. He said when we see our spouse the way Jesus sees them. We say the things Jesus would say to them, so, yet obviously he was given at the point of how does God see you, and specifically how does God see your spouse. And when you see he called put on God's goggles when you put on God's goggles and you see people made in the image of God and in their loved when you see your spouse away.

Jesus sees your spouse you will speak to your spouse.

The words Jesus speaks then we think about it when you read the word of God, and you understand what God speaks to us.

It's always life words. He encourages he builds up and so if I saw you the way God sees you only speak life not death filed that's really good because I'll never forget that message to it that God goggles because I thought I need to put those on every day to see you the way God doesn't see her kids but not only that I need to wear them out of the house and I mean that it started to become a habit where when I would be checking out at the grocery store and I remember thinking I would love to see the cashier the way God sees her and then I would say thank you like I can see that you're really working hard and I just want you know I really appreciate that. By the way you do this all the time. You know it's annoying something like out of the office. You just are always stopping this speak life and the people I know are sitting here talk about how important it is in their times on my can we just go coming to some stranger you know. Do you really need, but I mean I can see them. They they light up it.

It's like air comes into their lungs and you can see them feeling better about their day in their job on their life. But I was thinking Jesus just hung out with this all the time.

He does like he lives within us. But if he was walking beside us. He sees the greatness in a homeless person he sees what's happening. He's always encouraging and lifting up is not that he doesn't correct us. You know it's not that he's not speaking truth to us, but he's a lover of our souls and our person and easily speaking life to us. You know it's another great statement Antonia write this down and I think this is something you said good I'll take credit for it. I don't know where I verso, but I've heard you said many times, especially when you're talking to wives about their Marilyn I know you can say this is Andy Stanley yeah right so it come from there. But this is your spouse to be able to tell how much God loves them. By the way you talk to them. By the way you treat them the way you love them and mire them talk about that while the first time I heard Andy say that I remember stopping and thinking I just that, like your spouse should people know how much God loves them. By the way you treat them.

And if your spouse doesn't even know Jesus or have a relationship with God like you should win and they should deal think how does God love me that much because if he loves me that much I wanted to know him and to be honest the first time I heard I was just super convicted like I'm not doing that IQ should be able to know because my love is so unconditional like that's how God loves me and that's not easy. He can't do it. Apart from God spirit yeah and then I said earlier, but it's really true. You used to do that for me.

You speak life of me I wrote down you constantly.

I'm in and I'm sure someone's listening on this feel like I do that keep going around. You've almost daily, so your amazing husband, your great dad your great provider, communicator, spiritual leader, now you know why I wrote down romantic. You don't usually slam romantic because I'm not very romantic thing I don't lie yeah now I mean I'm I mean honestly I run home now because you constantly speak life okay compared that to what it used to be because I want people to understand what he's thinking. While I believe many people of hurt us if they've read our book vertical, marriage, or even went through the small group vertical mirrors, a sauce talk about this with the sort of somewhat famous blue story where I felt like I communicated to you again this is first 15 years of marriage. Probably that everywhere I go people cheer me and I come home and all I hear is blue because it felt like you know you are and you are dissatisfied when they said that to me. I said well they don't know yeah terrible is that I would say that to you. You felt like doing me was motivating me to become better.

All I know is six months later a year later after that the climate in her home change in discipline to 2 1/2 decades now where it felt like the Wilson house has a environment and aroma and atmosphere and I think it's you that sets it of life of encouragement of belief that when I saw you try to send this over over at Kevin, what's funny. One of my best friends Michelle. We would talk about this a lot and we walked about three days a week we go 6 miles and we would talk about this and how we need to implement this in our homes, Inc. she came up with this brilliant idea and she got out a journal and for Rob's birthday. Her husband, she would go through periodically during the year and every time Rob would do something that she admired her love. She would tell them, but then she would write it down and this wasn't natural for her because I remember sweetly block and she would complain like I did make it home for Macy soccer game you now and he didn't put the lights on the tree and is traveling all the time is never home and so she would go to him with those complaints and it really wasn't working and so what. She started doing is asking that God give me new eyes give me encouragement so she started writing down things that she really appreciated so one of the entries would say Ron, thank you for leaving work early, and getting to Macy soccer game that meant so much to me. Rob, thank you for putting the lights on the tree outside. I know you didn't want to do it but you go out every single year and I can't tell you how much that means to me and so the first year she did it she was all excited. She wrapped the journal and and birthday, wrapping paper, gave it to Rob on his birthday and he sat in the chair and there were a lot of entries short but a lot of entries over that full year.

And he sat and he wept reading all of these things and she's probably done it now for over 10 years.

Every year she gives send that journal and the amazing thing that Ron said Dave is what you say like it motivated me to want to be better yeah and Robbie came together text Michelle almost every day really makes us other husbands look like losers out to lunch. All the girlfriends and when Michelle opens her texts like what Rod text you again and then she's at all yeah it's now began a new and all the winter I just read it just read it to essence, it would say Michelle you the best wife. You're so beautiful and thank you for taking care of our curls and hear that you guys are looking your phone Holding our phones. I think I'll wait. It didn't. And again it just shows the power with Solomon son life and death are in the power of tongue.

It could be tax it could be a look that could be literally words like that can change your home. Yeah, I remember laying down with the boys you know in their little doing devotions at night right and I didn't do it a lot.

I mean I you didn't mourn me and him are walking out what you say said some about how Michelle ongoing fight because I was horrible with you Mike like this rainy Bob Lapine read the Bible every night that their kids and I thought that would motivate you and so when I started that prayer of light Lord, show me the things that Dave is doing right. He walked out of that room.

After laying with the boys and praying with them and I watched you and we came out of the room and I said to you. I'm still jealous here like I just watch you in there with our sons, and I realize like you have so much power cleaned every word you say you just have so much influence over them and I'm jealous of that. Like I wish they would cling to my words like that every send the funny thing is, what was I doing the next nights.

I'm up in the bedroom. I'm up there the night after that night. After that it was so motivating it's like really. I have influence. That's powerful and they're hanging on my what I just never thought that it often thought you were better at it like mom's better with the boys at the spiritual stuff than dad is on better at church on the preacher, but it motivated me to step into the role got a call me to be the lead my family leave my voice eating a lot of men feel that life is that really on. I know that you have talked to hundreds if not thousands of men that feel that and I would say to the wife listen right now encouraging telling Tony's good life you have to didn't know speak life and every man were wired to say that I think women are due we are motivated by belief and encouragement and will run harder and faster if somebody believes and encourages us here is life your husband's faith might look different from yours and it's good for kids to see it look different.

Do I remember when again Cody her youngest went to college to play football, you said to me, like the night before is going to go or giving him a laptop to take the college in a memory say hey you know you're really a good writer. You're an amazing writer life ever gonna know I'm not.

I literally said no.

I know I'm okay but I'm not good all know you're really good it really was encouraging. If you break Cody a like an email like as he goes off to college you play college football. He start to do that you should write something numbers again. Not that good.

I just let it go well and I was saying that because you're so good at putting your feelings down on paper. Well I didn't think so before with bed that night I wrote this email encouraging him say boy. I remember when I went to two days in college and I was way down on the depth chart and how hard it was. Anyway, just tried inspiring thing is gonna be really hard but you got what it takes and sent this email off and he never response done say thank you. I don't know if he got it on like did he get it. Everything get all you have such a great writer. My son didn't even acknowledge my amazing words and never heard anything about until four years later when he is graduating he sends an email back and he said that you know this was the first email ever got in college four years ago his computer down. There were days I wanted to quit. It was really hard and I would read your words and it would encourage me and here I am four years later.

Thank you. This was a powerful email in my life, my wow Thursday and again. She's right, but you know is he gets ready to go to camp with the Detroit Lions. Guess who sends him an email the night before training give me because I was like wow you inspired me with words of life to remind me that I can have an impact with my words and I would never done it.

Interviewer said which parlor said 20 years before that.

You why you should write your stunning email. You never do that I would never done you know what you said it in a way it was packaged you know it was wrapped up in a way that was encouraging encouragement to do while I'm recalling to get into the teenage years and sometimes it's not always easy to see the greatness when they are struggling in your relationships a little strained and I think that CJ was home from college and our other two were in high school and it was the summer and it always takes a while to adjust. Now the kids are home all the time in the summer and I think I was complaining to the boys about work around here. You need to get things time we've said that many money us and as I'm saying this I think they were playing video games and all picked up their phones and they started all getting on listening to me this doesn't sound like a very positive at this point, but they started laughing and they said yeah mom were talking and texting each other about how crazy you are. And so then I just mad and so when I get mad like that. Now I just need to leave the room and so I was going to go for this walk and I go on this walk and probably for the first 2 to 3 miles.

I am complaining to God about our children like are you seeing the way they disrespect me. Are you seeing that they're not doing anything or not working hard and knows what they're can end up being like so I'm just venting to God. And it's not sure at that point I had ever done this before that.

After about 3 miles I had invented everything I could. I said so God what you think Jesus what you think about this, don't. Don't you agree with me. I don't know what I was expecting if there be some boom in the sky or some epiphany in my mind, but all of a sudden I just started to load and on the spot started coming to my mind and I started receiving like I see what's happening with CJ and Scott came into my mind isn't he the most fascinating person you've ever met. I was thinking where where did that come from and I had the next thought that came to my mind is he's just like Nathaniel, in whom there is no guile. I'm just gonna tell you right now those thoughts just don't come to me, especially Nathaniel.

Dad having you know you don't know our son CJ, but that describes him yeah well perfect description of why do you think that describes I really so there's no guile he's just is wonderful and you would never noticing he would just sneak up on you and you love the guy and he is fascinating.

Yeah, kinda Corky you hurt, yeah, and I had never heard anything like that and so that like perk my ears up like one lot Lord is not you because God can speak through us. We have the power of the Holy Spirit in us and so I started listening and that made me go to Austin Marlette about Austin and what about Cody and I just started all these beautiful life giving words of how he delighted in each of them and I measured it in my heart and I realized I'm not looking at greatness.

I'm not seeing all those good things. And when I came back I remember going up to my room and even writing all this down because it was it was pretty pivotal moment in my life and I wrote down all the things I felt like I'd said and done I started trying to speak to them and when I would get frustrated and see the negative because we just all bug each other sometimes. But when I would go back to that and recall and remember, this is who they are. I need to say those things and draw the greatness out yet so I would hope you don't action step from today is that you and we would do this we would see your spouse see your kids see your neighbor the way God sees them he sees them beautiful made in his image valuable formed by him in the mother's womb.

Psalm 139. He sees awesomeness and I was thinking if he's never done this and you feel like our home does not have that atmosphere pray, go to God talk to him and then go to the for your family and tell you guys, I just want to apologize. I feel like I've been nagging everybody. I feel like I've been talking about the negative things in all of us and I'm really asking God to give our family kind of a new I'm asking God to give our family a new perspective on seeing the great in each other and then the action step would be speak it out.

Yeah so I got an idea. We been encouraging people to text one of those new houses take a minute and text a life text words of life okay to one another. I don't know what you're saying you don't know what I'm not your name in here.

Okay… Let's text each other and then we can read it later over to read out loud. Okay, work on their text messages to one another here and remind you that what they talked about today is one of the themes of the address of the vertical marriage the importance of how a firm we speak life to one of the book vertical marriage is also available as a small group video series so if you started your small group back up and you're looking for a way to invest in your marriages together to consider the vertical marriage small group series or get a copy of Damien's book vertical marriage. The surprising secrets of highly happy marriages.

The little things that make a big difference.

We've got both the book and the video series in our family life today resource Center you can order these resources from us online@familylifetothe.com or call to order at one 800 FL today in the website family life to the.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the ward today.

Your David M talked about today is at the heart of what we are all about your family life providing practical biblical help and hope to strengthen your marriage and your family. David Robbins was a personal family life is here with us, and this conversation today has really been on mission for us yet. Family life. We do everything we can to halt the drift toward isolation that is so often experienced in families and and help people grow toward oneness in relationships that matter most the relationships like the relation with God and their spouse or kids and their neighbors.

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Thank you David we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday when working to hear about the significant elevation that Jesus gave to women in the first century culture. Kristi McClellan will join us to talk about the worth and the value and the dignity of women that Jesus restored in his earthly ministry. So we hope you can join us for so few moments ago we texted one another in just hit send and I just received years. As you might, I'm so excited you are read what I wrote. Yes, you don't yet have you know okay, here's what you sent to me.

You are one incredible women of God.

You're the greatest mom and grandmother in the universe.

You cannot be a better wife and mother believe in me and trust me unconditionally and that makes me a better man. Thank you for choosing to speak life to me and others. You are a picture of Jesus to me.

Thank you so nice. Thanks.

Okay, here's what you wrote to me I love and admire who God made you to be your leader. I want to follow your funny and laid-back with driven at the same time. Everything you do is done with excellence. Our boys admire you and want to hang with you all the time. I didn't even realize how blessed I was that God brought us together, you're the man I love doing life with you.

Thank you. If we did that once a day. How hard was that it was easy to speak life today family like today is a production of family life crew ministry helping you pursue relationships that matter most