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May 25, 2021 2:00 am
Today is Day 2 of Bob Lepine's farewell week as co-host for FamilyLife Today. In this program, Bob shares with Dave and Ann Wilson some of the greatest memories he has from the show on the topic of parenting.
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And welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. Her hosts are Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us a minor family life today.com you guys remember Casey Chisum right yes Casey case him in the top 40. I always wanted to be case. Occasionally you would be really good and I would love to count down the hits below the top 40 ensure the little insights into this August. Give us a radio voice and legacy case it would work out delicates on American top 40 always wanted to do something like that. Well this is my week so this week.
Work happened on the top 28, not the top 40, the top 28, were counting on the 28 things I've learned from family life today over 28 years from the guest we've had from the conversations that are going on. We are were wrapping things up here this week that hello are you doing this. This is the last week that I'll be on family life today as a cohost with you guys. You guys will take it from here and we thought you are you are irreplaceable and not try to replace you button well. We will honor your legacy that I know you will hundred is a confidence that that what has been begun here.
You guys are just and carried in the same direction and so that's that's what were all excited about. We thought here in this last week. Let's just kinda run through some of the things that have been highlight some of the things that have marked my life, my marriage, my family as I've been. I'd listen to every family like today program for drug. There are many people who can say that because I was here. I listened to all of that.
Yeah. And we've already talked about the marriage ideas that have marked us and I thought we ought to focus in on parenting. So here are the top truths about parenting from the last 28 years for me on the first one came in a conversation we had with our mutual friend Tim Kimball who had just written his book grace based parenting when my favorite parenting but it's a great book and Tim was talking about the fact that most of us as parents you guys talk about this in your book. No perfect parents. You talk about the fact that a lot of parents are focused on the wrong priorities as they raise their kids. Here's how Tim talked about. It is really easy to fall into the success trap when it comes to raising our kids that we are Western people were running our everything around us to Western filters and as Americans in a capitalistic society. We have a bad habit of measuring success by things that can be quantified in ways that are beneficial to us like financial financial education education are saying those of their martyrs, those of the harbors that parents are headed towards today I can make this will simple when you pin down a typical Christian parent and I and a lot of them don't talk with thousands of them over the years, and each is heavy through heart-to-heart soaking of your spending 1820 years, sweat, labor bunch of money put some serious miles on your body losing a lot of sleep. Crying a lot of tears. That's a lot effort what you hope happens as a result of all your efforts.
Now they might say something nice like what I hope the have a heart for God that's nice and anybody I'm truly mean that.
But what you go by is not what they're saying at that moment, but what they're doing on a day-to-day basis. As far as emphasizing the values of that child in your future.
So when you really actually play that one out you here sent something like 12 to get a good job now.
We got the word good in front of job. How would I know it's a good job when usually that's defined by when it pays well why they need all this money well likes expensive and one to have opportunities live in a good safe neighborhood and by the way. That's why think education so sovereign now and you and parent mine. They think that the most important thing you do is get your kid a good education because that is the pipeline took a job. I remember that day I remember walking out of the studio that day and thinking I'm doing that as a parent, I'm focused on how my kids grades. I want them to be happy. I want them to be doing well in relationships. These are not unimportant things, but I thought how much time and effort in my spending on their spiritual development, which is really what's going to matter more than any of the rest of the stuff yeah me who's talking about that you know that's why it's such a great truth from Tim. It's like you forget you just fall into the culture need only realize real quickly put in our parenting book 1 of our mistakes was failure to build a college fund and you know you read that you think I even put aside money.
Nothing about money for spiritual college fund. I what am I doing to prepare my kids to enter into a world with the spiritual foundation that's solid. That's her job and I don't know about you guys but my parents raised me with all those same things the worldly standards like mine and so we just do what our parents did the first time I heard this till it stopped me in my tracks and I realize the same thing that we're doing this all wrong and we need to shift what we want our kids to thrive.
We want them to have friends. We want them to do well in school. Again, those are unimportant things but that's what was driving me as a parent, rather than saying let's make sure that the tribe spiritually that they have that spiritual college fund ready when it is time for them to launch and that brings to mind another message we featured on family life.
Today I have a college or family life who brought me up a cassette tape and he said you need to listen to the sky which says hello ago. That was years ago and so I was on a drive up into North Central Arkansas a couple hour drive and I took that cassette along I popped it in. I remember driving at night and listening to this and going. This is so good. It was a message the first message I've ever heard from Bodie Baucom, who later became a guest and has been with us at a number of events, but Bodie was talking about the fact that, according to Ephesians 6 where it talks about fathers.
Don't exasperate your children. Children obey your parents. He was making the point that discipleship is our number one priority is parents. It's similar to the point Tim Kimball's making, but he was just driving at home that biblically we're the ones at the end of the day that God is going to come and say how did you disciple your kids and if we say well I subbed that up to the youth group or a subnet out to the Christian school.
He will say, but what I put you in charge of that. Here's how Bodie talked about that in that message that we wound up featuring on family life today.
How about a play black and white straightforward word for father and father children and bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the more clearer than that folks the context of this passage says the home is evangelism and discipleship of the next generation of the fifth commandment screens is central father children father if we believe this. We've done everything in our power not to allow that to happen, just not equipped but I just don't know what's interesting if the people in your church are not tithing, you'll start a ministry to talk for no you simply teach and expect them to do with the Bible says his job works for tithing thinking work discipleship of maximum ration breached the boy trial. Not just listening to any such a good preacher well and it's such a great reminder for me as I'm listing to that to go. This is my job I can subcontract some parts of this job, but I'm the general contractor and when I stand before the Lord, and he says okay tell me about your kids and what you did with your kids.
I can't say well I subbed that help is to say, but that was on you and that message was again a part of that wake-up call for me. I have a responsibility here before God to bring my kids up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord can.
It's so critical because the research even you know. Decades later from Bodie talking about that say that a lot of teenagers and college kids you to walk away The group in a church they were in these group they they were subcontract out for the spiritual development their lives and they walk away, but the ones that don't walk away come home from church to a family that's doing the vote. He said, and that helps it stick that critical. I remember talking to one of our boys are thinking their key early teen years and we were talking about disciples.
Can you name the 12 disciples goes, I think you guys. This is one of the most embarrassing moments he was putting Moses show disciples and I walked out of the room. I think Dave we are doing a very I paid my kids five dollars to memorize Lord's prayer. I paid him five dollars to memorize the apostles Creed. I mean things that I looked at and said my kids need to know this stuff that needs to be planted. I would pay them money to read a book and write a book report on it. This was their spiritual development and I was responsible for that hearsay bribery's okay so this was, I was the laborer is worthy of what I was do it there's another principle, we don't have a clip for this one, but Ted Tripp who wrote the book, shepherding a child's heart kind of the big idea of that book was something that I again was a wake-up call for me.
Ted Tripp says most parents are focused on behavior modification when it comes to your kids you want your kids to stop doing these things and start doing these other things and just act right if they will just act right and he said we got to be more concerned about their heart than we are about the behavior because behavior will eventually flow out of the heart and kids can put on the fake behavior that's going to escape through form search kids. That's right if you're not addressing heart motivation and heart attitude.
You're not wind up with little hypocrites who act one way but when they're in private. It's a completely different and I think a lot of times the reason we want their behavior to be the right behaviors for our own esteem.
Yes, worried about how we look to our friends and peers in our church members. Then we do that the child and it's not about that. We had a conversation with one of our sons. Not too long ago and now he's in his late 20s but he said you know mom and dad. I wish that you guys would have instead saying what you doing and where have you been I wish you to said how is your heart like even think to ask you how your heart wise, it's exactly what your principal is not what I remember talking to another guest who she was talking about disciplining a four-year-old and you're trying to correct behavior. Again, there's nothing wrong with correcting behavior, but she would pull back in the middle of this, since I want to stop and think why did you do that right and were you thinking that this would be pleasing to the Lord. Were you trying to do something here that would be pleasing to the Lord, she just kept reinforcing in those corrective moments, not just stop this do this not just put on this behavior, but why were you doing that. Why were you hitting your sister and every mom is like time directly.
There are triage moments where you can't have them. Yeah, but most of us just function in that triage moment all the time, rather than when can we have those heart-to-heart talks when we put them to bed tonight and you say I want to think back to when you were your sister today what was going on. Why were you so mad at her. What was in your heart would you think Jesus was pleased with what you are doing. Do you want to please Jesus with your life. Those kinds of conversations are helping get to the heart attitude when there's another principle.
This came from an early interview we did with Josh McDowell. In fact I think was the first time I met Josh, Dennis had known Josh for years because Josh is a part of crew. Dennis is a part of crew. Actually, Dennis had heard Josh speak when Dennis was in college. So today and Josh's message was revolutionary. Dennis is life will he'd written a book on parenting and we sat down with him and he said two things in the interview on parenting that I've quoted dozens of times over the years and were in here and say both of those right now here we are with Josh McDowell years ago. Well, I am convinced that rules without relationships lead to rebellion and one of the best ways to give rules to our kids is when there's a foundation of love.
They know their accepted, appreciated their lovable affection and available to them. I I make a statement that I learned about 12 years ago is that I used to make the statement when people asked me about my family and I said look, my family comes before my ministry about 12 years ago. I realize that is one of the most un-godly statements. I could ever make and if I truly believe that statement I was headed for trouble, and I would lose my family and when I got older, I wouldn't have my children coming to me or my wife and God humbled me about 12 years ago.
I realize my family. I must never let my family come before my ministry because a moment, I do that I should leave the ministry.
My family does not come before my ministry. My family is my first ministry to big ideas their rules without relationship will lead to rebellion, and I could see that in my kids that I was always just aware, I gotta make sure I'm focused on the relationship and not just focused on the rules and then secondly my number one ministry is to my family and I can't let my job, I can't let anything get in front of that in the priority structure that is something.
Those are two of our main principles to and we've probably quoted several times in the rules without relationship. I remember hearing him say that his at Ball State University in 1977 thinking was a great point and then now is a dad. Your leg, especially with teenagers. You know, so my parents are afraid of the teen years because they can rebel and it's like when I could happen, but it's all about relationship relationship relationship with your team. You get a pursue them and build Dennis used to say all the time you got to make sure that the bridge of the relationship with your kids is intact. You can carry a truckload of truth across that bridge but if the bridge is out everything goes down. If that relationship is not intact. Everything goes south, you keep that relationship intact and you can carry all kinds of things across that bridge.
So that's just a great principal. It really only just throw this in. It's the reason I coached high school football thereby thanks all you just love football so much will be around it.
Now I want to be on the field with my voice you know I was just another way to be in relation to driving odor practice coming home. It wasn't about football is about. I want to be part of their lives. And this is one way to do it. One of the big parenting ideas I heard over the years, and again I don't remember exactly who said this, or where it came from but apparently at the University of Minnesota.
There was a study done that. The conclusion was all children are asking their parents to questions the two questions are do you love me and can I do whatever I want and they said how you as a parent, answer those questions determines what kind of parent you are. So if you say to your kids.
Yeah, I love you and yeah you can probably get away with more than you should.
That was that was me on the permissive parent.
Okay, so I was let them get by with stuff today to Marianne was more the authoritarian parent. She was in no you cannot get away with whatever you want and sometimes you're not can be sure that I love you so, I would lean too far in the relationship direction, she would lean too far in the rules direction. There are some parents who say you can do whatever you want. No I don't love you most could go join gangs mom and dad checked out.
As parents we need to be saying yes I love you desperately, and no you can't do whatever you want and when we can. When looking at both of those working well in our parenting.
That's the sweet spot for his finish really as you say that's a picture of God's love yeah he loves us and says this is why I don't let you do whatever you want. I remember an interview we did with Michael and Haley DiMarco, maybe a decade ago. Michael said something in this interview that stopped me in my tracks. He said that most of us as parents are teaching our children how to be sin. The avoiders and sin concealer's.
They said were teaching them don't do this and if I find out you did it you can be in real trouble so avoided and when you stumble. Don't tell me or you get in trouble. He said instead, we need to be teaching our kids how to be sin confessors and sin rip enters and I thought I've been teaching my kids how to be sin avoiders and sin concealer is rather than modeling for them and showing them what confession and repentance looks like.
Here's here's how Michael said it in that interview were kind of crazy. We want our home and we want our relationship with our daughter to be one. We create a culture in our home where the whole culture of our home is centered around learning how to rebound from sin and instead of having a relationship a parent-child relationship where it's about all about sin, avoidance and sin concealment because were afraid of the consequences.
We want to be the first place that she comes when she messes up and we want to help her learn how to rebound from sin because we all have sinned, we all do's and were all going to sin, and so where is it safer for your child to confess is it safer for your child to confess at school or at home in their living room or their first dorm room yet with a peer right with mom and dad right then sitting rebound you're talking about learning how to confess learning what repentance looks like. Learning what forgiveness looks at what forgiveness looks like and and learning what the deeds.
In keeping with repentance what what walking and in grace looks like. Moving forward like I was on and a part of that and I think it's part that a lot of us messes that we are very confessional ourselves are not testing about our kids telling us that we are actively sink knife to confess I got angry at that instant, and I shouldn't have. I should've treated you better in that situation somewhere continually trying to confess your father your Gatling's and I rebound right in front of your daughter that way were going to be better prepared. We hope and we pray to cast her off into her big Independence Day, knowing that she does have a safety net to come back to the she's not alone, that when she does mess up on her own. That there's nothing so shameful that she could do that she can't come back to us and talk and that good, really good.
I just walked away from that going again. I been pressing my kids toward obedience. Without this modeling of what repentance looks like and then helping create a culture where it's safe to do. I think Michael goes on to tell the story again. Michael and Haley DiMarco in that interview Michael goes on to tell a story about his daughter coming to him and saying daddy I messed up I put a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the VCR and just because legally destroyed the VCR. He said I took her out for ice cream after because she confessed because she confessed I wanted to celebrate her confession rather than flip out over the VCR because he knew VCR should be obsoleted for yourself, but that replaceable exactly reinforcing the idea that your child that you teach him. There are consequences to your behavior. Right. I remember Pat Morley who wrote the man in the mirror saying at a Detroit Lions chapel service at him speak it. You talk about appearing principal inserted in remind me this he said you know if you're screaming at your kid for scratching the coffee table and he had done that his wife said something to the effect that you don't want to ruin a $5 million kid over $100 coffee table tried and we do that. It's like it's get our priorities right. Okay, here's the last parenting principle for today and again.
These have been so helpful for me. I hope your listeners are finding these helpful today as well. Todd Friel was a guest on family life today and he was talking about having a perspective on discipline, a perspective on correction where your goal in correction is for your child to love Jesus more. At the end of being corrected. Then at the beginning I thought yeah as I listen to how he describes when your child sins because your child is never to be not in the future. Your child is never naughty. Get your child is a sinner that's different because I just see a naughty child. I want to correct the behavior, but if I see a sinner on a rescue mission and if your engagement with your child does not end with your child loving Jesus more than his gift. It is a Christian parent.
Now let's apply that and I suspect this scenario will resonate you come home you can smell the food that's cooking on the stove. Your favorite meal, your wife has everything under control. The kids are gonna line up father were so glad that you finally made an appearance, we would expect them waiting all day for you but instead you walk in and you hear not get all of its complete chaos in the first person who greets you is your wife, and she doesn't look happy. She's got the look and she informs you that that son of yours has been disrespectful all day.
Now I'm not remembering the gospel that I'm the chief of sinners. I want this to stop because I want peace in my home. I want this to be the way that I imagine it to because I'm tired and I work hard for a living I pay for this roof over your head so I asked my wife where that boy is and I know the answer because we noise upstairs in the bedroom because that's where he's been sent and on charging up the stairs and I may be taking off my health. On the way stop freeze frame.
I want this interaction to result with my son loving Jesus more now walk up the stairs and I think the scene is going to be different and it could look like this and this might sound fantastic to you. This is not a fantasy. This this can be reality.
Now I can walk calmly into my son's room and sit them down in the bed and say honey I want to tell your story about when your dad was in fifth grade. Your grandmother was raising three boys by yourself.
No help. One bedroom apartment. She slept on the couch. It was tough. You can imagine her nerves were pretty shot and it showed in, I determined in fifth grade that my mom was kinda been a nag, but I thought so one day when she was talking to me.
I said why don't you just shut up. That's what I said to your grandmother. I told your grandmother to shut up and honey I'm telling you that story because I understand that's how you were talking to your mom today to.
I'm telling you that because I want you to know I get you. I understand you.
I've done it.
What you got now is to sinner sit on a bed who need a Savior. So why don't we pray to that savior and then were done. You go talk to her mom who asked is not good. Yeah I heard that story and I thought about the day that I found pornography on our home computer that I could figure out which of my children have been looking nothing and I took that son up for lunch to see if he would confess so what know anything going on you and talk to dad about know it was nothing there and finally, I brought up what I knew and he was ashamed and he was caught and I wished at that moment I had said I been right where you are who have had those temptations. I know what you're going through, but instead I said, okay, you're off the computer for the 60 days you have to memorize these Bible verses. I mean, I went straight to the correction and I never said I struggle with this to Jessica Thompson in the art of parenting video series says at our house. It's kind of on repeat to say I'm a sinner just like you. I'm a sinner just like you so that we don't present this picture to our kids were the righteous ones you're the bad ones we have to fix you. We don't have to fix ourselves. Boy that's that's a gospel centered approach to parenting. I hope parents were hearing at the day can be proactive and start pointing them out to.
Again, I would just add as well. I have never heard that just as thought of when you're going in to have the conversation or discipline your child stop hit the pause button then go okay hello I want to do this because often we just do it and to pray, ask God for wisdom course you guys as most of our listeners know have just released a new book called no perfect parents.
It's available here at family life today.
The art of parenting which we talked about earlier is also available information about resources we have on parenting go to our website. Family life today.com and for those of you who would like to have just a kind of a permanent record of some of these lessons were talking about this week. Some of the top things I've learned over 28 years on family life today where making these conversations and the original programs from which the lessons were taken all of that's available on a flash drive that were making available to anybody who makes a donation this month to help support the ongoing work of family life today. We had some friends of the ministry come to us earlier this month. They have agreed they will match every donation we received this month, dollar for dollar up to a total of $350,000. This is the last week of May. We want to take full advantage of that matching gift opportunity were not there yet. We hope to be there by the end of the week so I if you can make a donation today.
Help us take advantage of the matching gift and you will receive the flash drive with these programs and other programs on it will also send you two books from Erin and Jamie IV. Both books have the same title in the same chapters but one is for husbands.
The other is for wives. The book is called complement and it's about how we blend together in marriage, so will send you those books along with the flash drive and then those of you who are regular family life today listeners and have heard us talking about the monthly legacy partner team that is really the key core team that makes family life available for so many of us every day if you sign on this week is a new legacy partner. Two things will happen. You get everything we just talked about your donations for the next 12 months are to be matched dollar for dollar.
So every donation you make for the next year will be matched dollar for dollar as long as there's money in that matching gift fund and will send you a certificate so you and your spouse can attend an upcoming weekend to remember marriage get away were glad the getaways are back.
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Today's the day to do that go to family life today.com, whether it's a one time donation or signing on as a legacy partner join us and help extend the reach of this ministry to more people more often. Again, you can donate@familylifetoday.com or if it's easier, call one 800 FL today and pray for us that will receive enough funding this week to be able to take full advantage of the matching gift that is available to us here during the month of may not tomorrow morning to talk about some of the lessons I learned about how men and women are different. I mean I remember I always knew men and women were different right, but there were some things I learned about those differences over the years that have been transformative in our marriage, and in how we relate to one another so will explore some of those principles tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that thinker engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help from Bruce Goff this week along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Payne. We will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow