How to Love Your Wife

If you're a husband and a Christian, do you know what job one for you is that Jacobson does. God has already stipulated what our first priority is in our first priority is that little phrase love your wife like Christ loved the church and the reason that we have to get that right as Christian meant if you don't love your wife as Christ of the church actually disqualified for leadership in the local assembly.

See, it's not optional to have a wife who is in cherished if you show me the church that is full of godly men I can show you a church that is full of church wives. This is family like today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine.

You'll find us online@familylifetoday.com. What does it look like for a husband to really cherish his wife, Matt and Lisa Jacobson will give us help with that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us. I have been thinking about this subject a lot for a boy with some I've been thinking about love and and part of the reason is because as you guys know I just recently wrote a book that came out of love like you mean it right with a cruise by that name so that we get a book by that name as well and what I did in the book was go back to first Corinthians 13 and looked at all of the characteristics of what love is.

According to the Scriptures and the conclusion I came to is that most of us have a very superficial idea of what love is when we get married were in love with the romantic comedy idea of love, not with the biblical idea of love I I think we set out the pursuing up you've got mail approach to love rather than you've got Jesus approach to love.

And that's that's a very different approach and I think our culture sets us up for failure in those regards, because we really don't know what love is that Marianne is a recipient of all your learning as soon as I start applying it. She is writing about it right now.

We got some friends who are joining us on family life to a who have been thinking very wisely and practically on this subject and were glad to have them.

Matt and Lisa Jacobson are guests welcome to family life today. It's really great to be here. Matt and Lisa live in central Oregon in the bin Sunriver area.

There they been involved in the publishing world for years. Matt is pastor of a local church in the area decide to do this as a book 1st or were you just starting to brainstorm together.

How can we do a better job of loving one another actually grew out of sitting around in the café one day, which we often would do we go in right together and at one of the local coffee shops, and as they're sitting there holding hands, and held had my latte in my hand and enjoying one of those moments in marriage Rico. He knew this is good and we just thankful for enjoying the fruit of a volley then investing in growing and overt several decades, and that it would start thinking about how much of our marriage that we are enjoying today is a result of little choices that we've made over time. Often times we look at marriage and we think of the big topics those big hard things and that is a part of marriage and not enough not minimizing that, but how much of just the happiness that the closeness is a consequence of daily choices of doing things or saying things that can you can't let a person so kind. A casual thing with it… Write down all the little things you can think of that you've done that you feel contributed to what we enjoying today in sunny SoCal right on my list and you write down your list and we don't look at each other's lists.

We were 19th and we came up with hundreds literally really yes and we thought you know what other people might even benefit from those little things that make a huge difference and and those lists are what became the books you've written 100 ways to love your wife in 100 ways to love your husband which are our books that give you those bullets those nuggets that are all about practical things we can do that are just little adjustments we can make that have a huge impact on marriage. Over time, so Lisa did you come up with your list of things you had done to make Matt feel loved, or did he say this is what you have done that is made me feel left no I think that's the question. So yes I will do the things I have tried to do to communicate and express love to him and when he looked at my list.

He said yeah now I this is absolutely right on because I didn't know that's what I thought and and that same thing we when I look to his lips. I got it's funny to know you even mindful that you are doing that banality. Think about it did make me feel loved her.

Those are the kinds of things that that help carry us through even the hard times those little expressions. If you have a beautiful marriage.

A lot of people look at that and they go while they're just lucky that when the marriage lottery. They just get along so well together.

It just worked out for them become a fellow in the whole backwards and look about everybody knows who has a great marriage and who enjoys the best that God intended for them.

They know that that's something that you actually built together. It's not something that happened because you got lucky and that's really what the book is about. It's about those simple little things that you do every day.

See you having a big beautiful marriage isn't about that one big thing you did to get there. It's not that destination you arrive.it's built on a lifestyle and a lifetime of making choices every day.

Simple little choices in the normal days of marriage that say I love you, rather than choices say I love me yeah I was going out I was going to comment on that.

That's in your opening page.

I love you, rather than I love me talk about that because it's easy to be selfish. The lease for me it is unavailing. I mean, that's a choice to not be selfish and consider somebody else more important in yourself, your spouse, that's exactly right. And you know there's that little phrase in the Bible that gets passed over well. It I think in the application gets passed over. We bandied about, but it says love your wife like Christ loved the church and got all yeah about Vern… Phrase in Ephesians and that is something that we need as men to spend some time meditating on because it's the big job that God has given us to do as husbands, love your wife like Christ loved the church and you're right it's very easy to be selfish. It's very easy to think about me and the thing that I don't want to do in that moment and often in marriage there are such little decisions there little moments in your marriage and in your day. Choosing for yourself or choosing for your spouse. I like that you said that it choice to start because were all face with that and it has to be. I believe an intentional choice is not always based on how we feel about our spouse at the time is right, sometimes are doing it because God has told us or commanded us. There is encouraged yes but that's not easy either. He felt that at times Lisa like I don't want to love him. I respect him. I don't know. In our case because it's so easy honey no I think that is that is so true, and I think that that's for that choice and the difficulty that choices often times as a believer. We look at verses in the Bible that talk about the kind of waitress was a treat other people with kindness with patients. The something of those verses in first Corinthians 13, for instance anything about it for other people out there and so for example when going through that I'm at the grocery store I go through the line to the cashier and she is clearly having a bad day. She's kinda grumpy everybody and I will irritated myself, you know, because I'm trying to get through and she's going really slow and so I get up to the line and she's very rare and and and I have this kind word for her. How was your day and thank you so much and can feel good about myself because I have just made her day even though she was having hard-won and what it testimony of God's love that was and I go home and I get in the door and maybe months having a hard day and he's feeling a little bit edgy right now. My response to him is let me take you take part in the book the points is he needs a warm welcoming wife, so he began by saying I hear his footsteps, unmistakable firm solid feet man steps quite different from the quick pattering of all the little feet I've heard throughout the day, madly chopping and slicing. I never even looked up when he entered take us into the rest of what happened while the rest of what happened on that particular day was, he kinda came behind me and he kinda did a little the little love thing you will husband love thing and my first response was I don't have time for this literally. That's us on thinking of. I'm trying to make dinner. I've had a big day. I don't want to. I don't want this, and I caught myself thinking what in the world am I thinking. Why would I not have time for love and to just enjoy this moment of affection and I could see him pull away and he kinda feels my rejection your time battling up.

Yeah, right, which now I think about it probably didn't was implied that great.

Okay, wait a second. So I turned around I thought what would happen if I turned around and leaned right back into him and that it worked. It was very effective. Yes, I thought what a difference the whole rest of the evening would be just by that exchange of love and just be a little playful right there in the kitchen. The front of the kids. The rest the evening was fun. It was warm and and the kids you know they pick up on that to you and so they also the bickering that had been preceded this evening was just somehow better and lighter. We talked about this is adjusting the thermostat because you can cause the room to go cold or you can cause the room to be warm based on how you respond to one another and when it's warm. Everybody's comfortable happy and when it's cold.

Everybody's kinda tensed up and go, and you don't want to drive the temperature lower in your house you want to keep warm will. The irony is that if were not careful that we can just be very mindful of giving our best to all the people don't really know us all the people we bump into in life and what we really should remember is no. We need to give the best to each other.

We need to give the best to each other so that's really what you're talking about when you see your spouse give the best to somebody else you get resentful. So even if it your kids I know and felt this from me with the church here with my that is more important in the people there.

More important, and yet there are times, and I'm sure that you fill say think is your investors well are times I have to remind myself when we called the love and I'm not that I don't love the people in my church but I am commanded by God to love my wife and my children and lay down my life at a different level totally to this is such a critical point because ministry can be very deceiving because after all it's ministry for God and also we don't want to let other things get in the way of that. But the fact is, God has already stipulated what our first priority is in her first priority is that little phrase we talked about a moment don't love your wife like Christ loved the church and the reason that we have to get that right as Christian men see it's not optional to have a wife who is in cherished if you show me a church that is full of godly men I can show you a church that is full of church wives there's no such thing as being a godly Christian man and not having a cherished wife and all of the ministry. All of the endeavor.

All of the effort poured into other things does not negate the responsibility that we have the church and love our wives and Satan is so good at making us think these other priorities are equally as legitimate and so that our wives are then competing with the church and competing with the children competing with all of the jobs in all of the other things we have going on.

The reason it is so critical is because everything else relative to the great commission grows out of that relationship. Now I know that that might be overstating the case for some but hang with me for a minute so the great commission is the job that the Lord gave the church to do right and it's not just evangelism. It's discipleship.

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations right so discipleship. Jesus is teaching them everything I taught you so here we have a man who doesn't love his wife and he supposed to be discipling his children right so failure right there.

You've taught your children something wrong about marriage your discipling them away from what God wants you to disciple them toward number two. If you don't love your wife as Christ loved the church.

You actually disqualified for leadership in the local assembly you disqualified. So pastors out there if you don't have a marriage where you can say follow my example in marriage. If you can't say that from the pulpit without embarrassment you disqualified for the role your room so it's so critical as men in the church to love our wives to do what God has called us to do because all of these other things and really the great commission itself is affected by how we are living examples of what God is called us to do what is called us to be so talk about this. What does it mean as Christ loved the church, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

Okay well one of the ways Christ of the church is he sought the church remember that parable of seeking out the one Lamb that was stray it right so he's a pursuer he is seeking out he is pursuing his bride, and so that is one thing that we as men need to do. Lisa likes being kissed every wife likes being kissed the way she was kissed on her wedding day. She never stopped desiring to be kissed.

That way she never stopped desiring to be desirable to you. She never stopped desiring to be pursued by you so number one pursuing our wife.

She is a priority. We care about how she feels.

We care about her day.

We care about her heart loving this. Every wife is getting sinister has been keep going back.

This is good stuff is in-state. I mean, I want you keep going that puzzle quick is in your hundred ways to love your wife. I don't know which one it is. But I read it last night kissed her passionately right is kiss her, kiss her with passion.

Why not all right you're heading out the door you're going out to do chores in the yard. She's heading out to some responsibility that she has and you're saying goodbye for the day.

Why do a throwaway kiss. It takes five seconds and just kiss and the hold for a moment in and it says so much more than just by guest but see, it's about pursuing it's about investing and it's so great for how it makes your wife feel it's so great for what it communicates to her. So that's one thing pursue loving your wife as Christ loved the church. Secondly, it means you get to sacrifice big guy. All right, it means that all of those things that you want to do that are a priority.

Everything about your world and the things that you want to pursue just as a person doesn't mean they don't matter. It just means that they get to be prioritized in relationship to this number one priority. God gave you. You get to lay down your life for her know that looks different in every marriage. But one thing for sure what marriage or in your wife knows whether she is a priority with you, your wife knows whether you're actually laying down your life for her or whether your life is organized and orchestrated to do the things that you want to do and she just gets to be along for the ride know we are Jesus Christ's priority and how did he love.

He lay down his life for his bride. That's what were called to do so as I say it's different in every marriage, but your godly Christian man, so how about spending some time really thinking about this and sing what would it mean for me to lay down my life for my wife. What would that look like in my marriage. So we've got that spelled out time in this the general sense.

Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. There's not a parallel unfamiliar with wives. It's as wives respect your husbands, but is there a specific spelling out of how life is supposed to love her husband that is different than the sacrificial expectations that Matt has just talked about. That's a good question. Yes, it is different because it doesn't say the same thing to wives that we had you wrote two different books.

So here is how to love your wife and I love your husband. There are differences in our to approaches right and I think generally speaking, that wives are pretty good about lovingly. We have a better sense probably of what love looks like what love means it's only like all those little romantic comedies were talking by communicating respect, and submitting to your husband which is I know is a big word when you're talking these days but that's the part that we probably struggle with. We have to spend more time considering on what that looks like how I can communicate respect and honor to my husband and that it is different on the same as my being kissed back right, but there's going to be other ways of doing that you would like to speak to that issue for a bit because you know when we come to the word of God and what it says to the husband or what we like to wait read our wife's mail.

Hey, you know, God said to you that you're supposed to do these things right right I think we need to focus on our own mail.

We need to focus on what God sent us to do and it's amazing how beautiful a relationship can be when a husband truly loves his wife. Truly churches are truly lays down his life pursues her right isn't selfish, but says I love you instead of I love me and the choices that he makes.

It's amazing how easy it becomes for wife to submit to that guy. Now, the Bible does say that it's your responsibility to walk that way before your husband, so if you're not a believer in your list of this.

This is just money we can write but the for the person who claims to be a biblical Christian.

This is how were supposed to walk and were supposed to make submission of beautiful and safe thing. What are our wives that as women are listening their resonating thinking like I long for this. I want this.

My husband really hasn't ever done that.

What's the best way for me to approach him my saying this is when I'm not getting from you what he think you guys are the experts well I don't know for experts. But what we like to say is we have to decide whether or not we want to be biblical Christians.

For starters, just have to decide that because if we are what that means is, the Bible gets to define how were going to go forward.

See if you if you're if you're not willing to make that commitment on the front and then cobble it together and figured out as you want but if you're a biblical Christian, you're somebody who is involved in the church and you say no I'm following the word of God. It's authoritative for every area of my life. That's a starting point and at that point, you have a situation where a guy is literally going to do what the word says, or at least when he becomes aware of it but for the wife whose feeling like you know I'd really like this. Okay so first of all what I would say is okay were biblical right were biblical Christians. So that means you get to do what God calls you to do, regardless of whether he's walking in holiness or not okay because our personal holiness is not dependent on whether someone else is holy. It's easier in marriage for both. Walking holiness, but if I'm not walking according to the word of God. Lisa still can be yielded and submitted to what the word says so what I would say is if you've got a good relationship with your spouse then this is time for conversation. This is time to get together never try to deal with these things in the moment of emotional intensity. So, if you're mad that your spouse hasn't done these things and you want an end and there's a moment right there where you it's brought all of this anger and frustration for that's not the time to talk about it.

Let the day pass but come together and say, could we talk about something because we need to get to a place where we are.

If were loving each other. I need to ask Lisa what are the things that I can do that make you feel love and then conversely she should be able to ask me about some of our blisters have heard me share this story but it just did resonates with or talking about here. I was working with a guy who had been married for six months and we were out on a sales call together and I said how are things with you and Kathy and he said okay he said but she she's have a hard time submitting to me and I said well it's interesting.

I said what made you think she's supposed to submit to you and and he said will close on the Bible so her purse would say that there's New Testament my glove compartment so he gets out he knows is by Wilkins to Ephesians 5 says writers as wives that I said what's up for short wives. I said are you a wife.

He said no isolate versus them for you. Going to the excellent perfect and and he looked up at me like like what I said no you, you don't need to read the verses that start with wives you read the verses that start with husbands and you apply those and and all of a sudden it was like, oh, maybe that's what I should be focusing right. This is something where we can all continue to grow and get better. And the thing I love about the books. The two of you have written hundred ways to love your wife 100 ways to love your husband is that this is not a sit down in and get out your highlighter and study and an breed you can you can read four of these ideas a day wanted that you can read one of the changes will you you have a different marriage in 100 day you know what I can say that we have had people say I got a different marriage this week and they just started doing what's in this book and it's so doable. It's so practical it's so hands on and it will begin a difference right away. So one of the will and one of the things I just wanted to get this in about the issue of respect. Okay because one of the ways to love your wife is to respect your wife know a lot of people scum funny, I wrote a blog post put up about the business of a man respecting his wife and somebody came back to the Bible doesn't tell members post respect for wives. It says the watch most respect her husband. But, but what I like to remind men is if you don't respect your wife you were in the process of destroying your marriage see a lot of people say well this is what the wife supposed to do for the husband, but I've looked deeply into this particular verse of the under revisions of five that people can highlight as well but I just post respect husband and it is a huge misunderstanding to focus on that word just respect because the fact of the matter is there is a definition in the Bible for that word and it isn't the typical word we use for respect.

That's what in the King James.

They actually have it right. You're supposed to reference your husband okay the word respect goes both ways in the marriage and if you're not respecting your wife you're in the process of destroying your marriage. That word has a definition. The definition of that word is to defer in a reverential manner and he's tying it right back in to what happens at the beginning of that passage on the subject of submission. A wife is to yield to her husband in his role of leadership in the home and in the marriage and so at the end, it isn't really talking about the specific subject of respect. It's talking about, and this is the specific definition of that word to defer in a reverential manner. You absolutely must respect your wife. It's one of the ways in the book 100 ways to love your wife that that you can love her. Well let me just give an example. You say in the book, one where you can love your wife is to seek your counsel and somebody could say I can do that today. I can ask my wife what you think we should do. Here is a little right then you say on the next day. Listen to her wisdom. After that's a good follow-up to some of the practical things Matt and Lisa talk about in their books. 100 ways to love your wife 100 ways to love your husband and you know, given what the past year has been like for all of us the stress and the strain and the uncertainty. This is been a hard season for a lot of marriages.

It's hard to carve out time to invest well in our marriage and one another. So we thought let's make these books available to family life today listers anyone who can support the ministry with the donation what's in them a copy of both books 100 ways to love your husband 100 ways to love your wife. All you have to do is go online@familylifetoday.com make a donation and request your copy of these books and were happy to send them to you again.

Our website is family life to a.com.

You can donate online or you can call one 800 FL today to make a donation over the phone again.

That's one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today and you should know. We are grateful to those of you who join with us to make this ministry possible for so many others when you invest in family life today. You're really investing in the lives and marriages and families of hundreds of thousands of people who come to us every day for practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and for their family. That's where your investments go your building stronger marriages and families. So again if you can make a donation today request your copy of two books hundred ways to love your husband hundred ways to love your wife. I met Lisa Jacobson donate online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to donate.

By the way I mentioned earlier, the book I had written called love like you mean it. In addition to the book. We have a 10 part small group series that you can go through with other couples or go through on your own as husband and wife find out more about the love like you mean it video series and how you can use that when you go to family life to a.com tomorrow to continue talking about how we can do a better job of expressing our love for one another in marriage.

Matt and Lisa Jacobson will be here with us again.

Hope you can join us as well. Think our engineer today.

Keith Lynch extra help today from Bruce God and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Payne's event next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to you is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow