Turning Toward Home

As the lead singer for the group Sanctus real for many years.

Matt Hammett's job had him traveling more days than he was home when Matt and Sarah's son.

But one was born with heart problems, health issues, the couple had to take a sober look at the reality of the relationship and whether their marriage could survive. All they were experiencing it. We possess these attributes that lead to divorce my husband travels, we have a sick child. I mean all of these by stacked against us. Yeah there's been moments where it's like toxic sure have we threatened it to each other once a this is family like today are hosts are David and Wilson by Bob Lapine.

You can find us online@familylifetoday.com Matt and Sarah Hammett join us today to talk about the things I've learned in almost 2 decades of marriage things to do and not do things to say and not to say in order to make your marriage a priority.

Stay with us.

Welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. Have a friend who is in a high profile job. He is somebody who is well known and has a lot of fans.

We were at dinner and he said here's the thing he said my wife is just not impressed by what I do all these other people are like all this is amazing in and my wife is like yeah it's good right at me. What you do. Yeah because I don't get why other people around this with me. I mean your husband's a high-profile guy and a lot of people admire him and what he does. Have you had some of that same share interesting.

I don't think she's ever been impressed selling press.

But when you were before we got married impressed thing that impresses me the most is the way he loves our kids the way he spends time with and in place which I have recently live with them if and when he talks to me. Those are the things she skipped right over the unimpressive fires.

It is our guess that there is a real quick one night after I preached all morning was on the line silent all day.

Came home exhausted from bed. She says to me at 1139 acid in closing my eyes tell me said I said I watched you this morning at church meeting this entire congregation. And when you pray, you move us like we want to be with you in this year just so inspiring that in this respect is here. Actually, word for word. She said I wish the guy who let our church with live in this house then you know I said there is Bob, is what made me think of it I said I got and I did respond like a great leader eyes respond like you kiss me.

People think I'm good. Think I'm not the nurse only women I would love to be married to me. That's what I said you know I was just so hurt by that, and yet the next day God said I was speaking to you for your wife and so I had to step up and pleaded home.

And so, but we got a high-profile rock star in the studio is not above the front ambrosia. It's a good bet.

Hammett from Sanctus real in your wife's there is with us you get four kids now your Nashville you have this legendary career 20 years of Sanctus real Dove awards, Grammy nominations, albums, thousands in stadiums this in the essay including an anthem about what a husband is supposed to be to his wife a song called lead me that is now the book you've written this mapping service because we can remember getaways with us had this I remember where I was the first time I heard this song really, really, yes, striving on I 59 in Michigan is going to our church. You can think tank and I mean I wish totally captivated by the sun went home. I told Dave you have to listen to this song is this is kind of our story, which is so interesting because we didn't even know you guys at the time, but I think that has resonated with so many people this is what we want.

This is what we long for. In our family so Sarah take us back to that moment because obviously that song you know became an anthem, but it's your story is more than lyrics, it is you were feeling left alone because the rock stars on the road and you speak. These were tell us a little bit sorry because that's really where we are today. Yeah, I remember he was at the dining table. We were having our 10 thousandths conversation about the subject and I disses like like you, and you can't be and you act like you don't anything to give, but he literally left me home alone to do it all myself like like a love like I literally feel like we are leaving our life and you are living your life feel like a family and so he said you're here, but you're not here. Yeah, I don't necessarily feel like it weighs proximity I feel like it was the heart designing sense like I do feel even though I would say most Christian musicians, families, and then it stretched far here and I'm gonna say most of us families feel lonely and we we sacrifice that for the ministry sale. I think it was it was more the condition of our hearts in that.

So to me it was if you came home and you are excited to be here and you are complaining and your fall and you are be working out but it felt very much like it was the opposite.

Every time he came as you guys describe these long tours maps gone. You're there fending for yourself. I was thinking about people and military guys who are deployed to try reentry.

They come in now. They don't know what their place in the home is this is an occupational hazard that is true for doctors, musicians or pro athletes. As you mentioned day but it's true for a number of professionals who have got this. I'm traveling a lot, and that I try to come back home and make life work, I was curious. Did you you alluded to this. Both of you. You entertained thoughts that may be.

This marriage was not, make it yeah I would say that we have toxic conflict so outside of conflict. We have a great time. We laugh we have fun we love each other but when it comes to anything that strikes up conflict, it becomes quickly toxic and so someone lunch once mentioned. What is it the foresees I forget exactly what they are, but there like contempt and we possess all of them since the divorce rate or something like that and so we have that on top of their reading that to me is guy who hears of the view of the force either 90% like the boys what was encouraging you know these attributes that lead to divorce my husband travels.

We have a sick child, 85% will divorce when you have a sick child. I mean we have all of these odds stacked against us. So yeah there's been moments where it's like moments relatively nuts like when those moments where it's I'm done will you know is this is words that speak and go back and say well just say I'm done with this right but it's those little kind of threats that sneak in and it's the look right is that exchange.

We are like your dance in that line of admitting out loud to all and walk away – or have we threatened it to each other once in a while you we have that for you guys, here you are not writing songs about Jesus and drawing closer to you guys both loved Jesus what was going on with your relationship with God in development. Yeah, I think for me it's interesting because I've always had a prayerful relationship with the Lord on a daily basis of always been in the world on my own time of always leaned in to the Lord and always. I think almost sometimes to the point where it's like how you I'm trying to got even describe that person that I could be where I'm leaning in the Lord.

I'm almost living in that relationship like take care of everything so it's like I'm a Christian. I love the Lord, my heart is bent towards him in prayer and regular basis so that makes me good and it doesn't away what we inherit God's righteousness.

We are sinners who God makes saints we know who we are in Christ, yes, but then what beyond that.

How do we live our lives in the right. The reality of who we really are to the people around us and that was a really big obstacle for me to not just lean on like hey well my parents stayed married and you know we always at the church and we go to church and will discuss they married and not look at that you look at the big picture like just kind of shove all those little micro problems under the rug and that's really I think where that threat came in for us, whereas I don't want to deal with little stuff is, just lean on the big picture fact that were stuck were Christian couple. Everything's fine. I love Lord you love the Lord and you know it's like were just gonna stay married because that's a people in our family do and we discussed, I just could lean there and try to ignore the rest of it sounds like you live in a fairytale land denial. Yeah this is you is that I love so I thought there were moments I was guessing that if your felt like you faked it because there were moments were when we were really struggling in the church was starting and things were happening in in my ministry that I would be you talk about contempt and criticism in defense of this is all from John Gottman's four Horsemen thorough from the NIV literally getting our car and would be walking out into the driveway with a child or two in her arms, going where are you going to be yelling at her. I get in a car, pounding the dashboard is so mad and 50 minutes later, walking in an elders meeting leading spiritually and I'm like this there's the dichotomy and what I'm doing and I and Maddie felt say things like my walk with God is solid. I'm leaning on that front vision getting in the way. But I have to wonder in the midst that you think of the end of a Sanctus real concert. You have a conversation with Sarah earlier in the day where she's just mad at you are not there at the end of a Sanctus real concert and there's there are these cute girls were come up and go in your music is so inspiring. It's changed my life and on the Bible is your amazing you know it's interesting for for that reason, it was like I didn't really feel that temptation much, but the temptation adeptly did feel was on an emotional level. Whoever it was after concert just wow. It's the reward of I get rewarded for my work, because everybody says wow what a great job. What a great job you do start to believe this kind of overarching truth and if you can hold on to the overarching truth, I do a great job of serving the Lord. I love God I am a good husband. I am a good father because that's what I want to be. Sometimes you and and part of it too is with a job to do.

Yeah, I think a lot of from management about military men were gone. Traveling has been seen of pro pro athletes and I'm sure women do travel some of them do the same thing you look at and you go man get a job to do and if I let myself get down in the mud and caught up in all the stuff can I continue to lead and do my job. It's almost like a pop protection element, but at the end the day and Sarah's reminds me of this. And it's good that she does. Who are you protecting you protecting what's important is protecting yourself a dinner the day when protecting yourself is partially what you've built your career on. You got a look at how you're living your career that at some point.

Obviously there even probably saying that the map like you said thousands of times. So at some point met it gets through. Yeah, it's like my family and my home is actually more important than the tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands yeah what was it that hit you. For me it was that moment of realizing that my good intentions could no longer defined me and it was a wake-up call. The day that Ira leave me actually at the conversation at the diner table. The Sarah was, you know Porter heart out to me. She actually said those words to me.

I need you to lead me.

I member looking over at the picture.

This is this is what really broke my heart there, sitting across from me. Her face is puffy and red like she'd been crying and she literally not feel he can like see somebody's heart just like a waiting on their face and it's ugly and not as the ugliest terms like beauty ugly but it's it's an ugly thing to have to see it looks like someone is been through war right there just to see in their eyes or just they're just exhausted and I remember like I looked from her face. At that table over to her face in her wedding photo and I saw like this show.

I fall woman whose countenance was literally glowing with hope and excitement for future that I turned back to see her again and I'm like wow that is somehow my fault and I might not understand.

Even right now everything I've done. I know I'm oblivious to some of the reasons why I know them too selfish to see some of the reasons why am I going to be a man in my going to step up in my going to figured out am I going to find out what my role is in this exchange is happened over the last seven years to get my wife to a place where she's that far away from the wedding photo and about to take responsibility and I think that day. I really chose to be a man and take responsibility for at least one step at a time. I knew I wouldn't get a perfect but I knew that I had to make whatever hard decisions I had to make to put into action the intentions that had my whole life. While that was visual I think so many of us men. I can speak for what them away from mom feels but I feel like I've done something to my wife and hearing you say that you want to say God I need to correct this. Be a man to step up. So thank you for doing yeah I think we all hear the song.

Yeah, we did when you are just one here. I want to help. Yeah Bob even let me borrow pit. Funny, I would go into the interview before the book expecting to play because, music, and I'm simply prepared Dodge Opera book interview and I like what I think. So you know it. We haven't got his part in the story officially but but you know were to get there soon ultimately matter what he knows as I stepped away from Sanctus from 2016 and one of the first things I did that next year was I put on lead me men's conference to talk to share some of the lessons I've been learning to walk some other guys were making our decisions to lead their families, and I asked Dave to be one of my speakers in my very first conference, and he graciously said yes and he came in. Not only did he bring the house down with his message, but he also brought the house down when he sang a very special rendition of lead me at a men's conference and included certain things that I can't really can't say I'm not say on the radio but… It was his very special very special thanks for defiling myself this is leave me no longer pray that the day with a May we be they can to the moon on the strong, the only way he lead with strong when they can no song, I'm wondering is there one story you've heard from somebody who has heard that song.

And God used it in a remarkable powerful way in that guy's life are the couples life. Every time somebody asked me honestly the same story comes to mind a woman come up to me.

She said I've been having an emotional affair with a man who was my husband for several months and we had text exchange was in a will to meet up and organa be physical for the first time she's on the way out of her house to the other living room the sliding door in the back of the house and as she was sliding open the door to leave, lead me came on the radio and she just stopped and listened. And as the song played, said by the end of the song she was on her knees crying and weeping, asking God to forgive her when her husband came home she told him everything she confessed she repented and told him that she wanted to make things right and offer them to to grow in their marriage again together and I think man what a crazy thing that God would bring a song on the radio in a moment like that just to speak to her heart and that all the stories of heard of men who Vito pulled over on the side of the road here in this on the radio just breaking down, realizing that they want to and need to be that for their wives and so's amazing music acute you take a real moment of your life and put in a bottle and you send it out somebody takes it and they open it and they feel the exact same thing and what I hear. And that is the redemption of my pain and he said to me, like when I hear those stories. My hearts crying in the midst of the toxic conflict where I'm like use this.

This is pointless in its destructive the person I'm obsessed with redemption said to me that is like okay that was the redemption that came from those sightseeing out that I was teary again as I listen to that, especially reading, hearing your story because I think sometimes in marriage were amazed about how lonely we can be when our spouses sleeping right beside us that we can feel lonelier than when we were single we have three of you guys around the table. Help us as women who are feeling lonely, who felt like we've been trying to get you to hear us. We feel like nags or we feel like we've just shut down. How can we were longing for our men to lead our longing for man to be with our kids or to lead spiritually, but we don't always know how to communicate and I know I've done it really poorly in the past. What should we be doing is winning. How can we motivate and love and encourage our men. I'm just gonna say what I heard Sarah say earlier, which is there's no magic way for you to say anything it's going to take the spirit of God to penetrate husband's heart and it's not whether you're soft or angry or say it this way or say at that where putting the card reported the letter. If the spirit of God is not the one who penetrates it's not to make any difference. And so may be spending as much time praying as you are inclined to do telling your husband what's wrong may be taking that to the Lord and saying, Lord, you know all of the things I'm frustrated by you know you've got a do this work in my husband's heart I can't. I wish I had a formula. I wish I said here let me give the 12 magic word you say this and you have a new husband tomorrow. That doesn't work like that in our lives in our marriages right that it takes courage to speak up and say we feel for any of us to say hey I have a wound up feeling you don't know how it's going to go. You really don't. But it also takes an equal amount of courage to approach the throne of God in prayer and trust that he'll take care of it. Yeah, I some learned from that to and I think you think we do want to know that our lives are praying for us.

You know for sure that it is good or bubbly. I think you know I thought of two visuals I thought knees mouth I thought most boring thing do as a white man is a husband.

If you really long for change in your spouse's ass God because like Bob said. Like Matt said it's not going to happen by me pushing Anna and pushing me God has to do a supernatural work but I also think, and Paul wrote in Ephesians 4 speak the truth in love. You can't be quiet. You gotta speak it in love. You speak it in the kitchen and this funny.

Melissa, messing this honor thought Sarah wrote the song you as I have some amazing luck of writing that the beauty of it is God intervene. But here's the other side of it.

At some point, the spouse receiving that truth has to repent, you know, and you did, I did. Bob has it's a daily thing, and God will meet you right there and you may never write a song or a book, but you will have a story that your kids, grandkids and kids will tell forever so I had attitude that the living God of the universe lives within us through his Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead and modest power in our prayers have power God hears us hope. Don't give up hitting on your knees think you guys. Thanks for being here with us.

Thanks for sharing your story and for the song and for the book we got copies of Matt's book lead me available in our family like today resource Center you can order the book from us online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy or several copies to pass out to friends again. The title of the book is lead me order online@familylifetothe.com or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today and we hope you have a great week and hope you and your family are able to worship together one way or another with your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday when working.

Talk about intentional creative ways we can purposefully communicate our love to one another as husband and wife, Matt and Lisa Jacobson will be here with suggestions, ideas and strategies for how we can let each other know that we care. You can tune in for that I will think our engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff course our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Payne.

Have a great weekend will see you Monday for another edition of family life today. Family life to the US production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow