If I Could Turn Back Time- Dads With Daughters

Whether a father recognizes are not dads exercise an unusual amount of influence over their daughter's lives. Here's Michelle Watson Camfield when we as daughters can see our dad sit mesmerized for over two hours during the football game like without missing a beat, but we come in and after two minutes he's already looking off getting her a message that you're just not interesting enough to capture my attention and I guarantee that is the recipe for disaster outside of your home.

This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson from Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com the time you spend today is a dad investing in your relationship with your daughter will pay dividends in the future that you can't even begin to calculate the talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us at some point and I didn't do this for very long, but when our kids were little, there would be these stories.

These moments episodes conversations that would happen that I would go. I just need to I need to keep a file of this I would get out my computer and I would just start typing in these stories, and one that I remember my daughter Katie was about five years old at the time and Marion's mom was going to going to the doctor to have.

There was some kind of a growth in inside her nose that needed to be removed and we didn't know at the time.

Is this the nine is this. Could this be something more serious. So dinner that night. I just said hey guys, we need to pray for grandma she's going to go in and she's going to have a growth removed from inside her nose and we just need to pray that it all goes well, well, a five-year-old doesn't understand the growth inside your nose. So Katie said, because it might be a pimple, right daddy and I said well it were not sure what it is and it could be serious and Katie was like because it because it like it could grow a root and get bigger, right daddy and I said interestingly yeah she's processing this in her five-year-old brain and I said well not exactly. She said, and if got real big like explode managing with my five-year-old thinking. Grandma's nose is going to look like what is going to happen and I finally just said you know what we just need to pray for. She's gonna be okay but Katie was pretty regular with she'd say something and right daddy, right daddy, right daddy. There was always kind of that looking for affirmation. I was thinking about that this week as we been talking about the connection between fathers and daughters, the need for for that bond to be strong. The power of that bond. We got Michelle Watson Camfield joining us again on family today.

Michelle, welcome back to be that this is your lame as you've said that this is what God has put on your heart to coach men in this area and for more than a decade now you been involved with the project you call it the upper project to get together with man, and say here's how you can strengthen the bond with your daughters.

I'm just wondering, are these dads were coming saying it's broken. I need you to fix it or these dads were coming in saying it's okay. I just want to make sure it stays okay all of the above, many of them have estrangement with their daughters. The strange relationships and in all the way up to ones that just want to kick it up a notch and enhance it strengthen it reinforce what we already have become saying my wife wanted me. You have been in private practice as a counselor. For years you've written actually two books on this subject. The first book is called dad. Here's what I really need from you and then I love that title fight just like this is it telling us that the book in the cycle. This is when I interesting on the cover.

The way it's written in bold. It's his dad I need you to send side and then the second book is how to have conversations with your daughter that will unlock the relationship and some fresh ways. That's the goal behind all of this right, exactly, is to help you with a dad decode your daughter because on the best of days she doesn't make sense to you but the more you can get her talking. She will not only understand herself better, but you'll understand her better and is there a common issue like if you had 10 dads in a room from the good to the hurting.

Is there one thing that you would say if we can get these dads to understand this one thing more to develop this one skill we've unlocked the whole deal. It's more complex than that right is mirrorlike one for so many different conversations in our head happening simultaneously that were like okay it's not really one thing if I just summarize it. I really go back to what God himself said in the words that it's the hearts of fathers who have to turn and often. I've asked myself like what does the heart turn look like you had something he can you turn your heart over here like you look at me when I'm talking to you turn your head this way. But God used language on purpose because it's so unique. What is the heart turn even look like better answer the question well again this is just icing my opinions may have a different view, but that heart turn is softer.

It's gentler. It's more emotional.

It's more intuitive it's more connected right it's not just data and information, and is daughters. We love it when her dad turns his head towards us and helps us fill out a FAFSA college application or I love when I sent anything right daddy. I got help me which car should I buy goes with me that I call more of it, had turned its information data based yet heart turn is a whole different skill set as we talked about already, and that's where not only do we need the power of God to do it but if dads can just have that in their kind. In their mindset and their grid of I want to engage every day.

My daughter's heart. I want to engage her heart. You're going to grow as a result I don't I don't know if this is true or not but I hear you say that I think you could turn your head by just observing someone as a man and again a woman bright is to but I can watch somebody and see other lacking this. It's a data point. I can see it but I can't turn my heart without hearing their heart and can't turn my heart without conversation. I think you can just observe you're right, but I love you just just said date that you turn toward her right, it means active listening, reflective listening, which means you you nod your head up and down you say your eyes are looking at her and the truth is when we as daughters can see our dad sit mesmerized for over two hours during the football game like without missing a beat, but we come in and after two minutes he's already looking off board that's getting her a message that you're just not interesting enough right to capture my attention and I guarantee that is the recipe for disaster of the night of your home, and I think as men we think why understand football like What's happening. I know what the goal is. I know the strategy when she starts the hot iron that I don't even know. I don't understand I understand person. 10 understand second 13 in a spread formation, what did you say something 13 you just said is excellence the same if I want to learn write the language of a football go sit there on the study were in the phrases that I sought to do with this book is asked the question this way.

Like if you say to her what words have I spoken to you that it's stuck with you that have made you feel better about yourself but then you say what words have stuck with you.

Have I spoken to you that stuck with you. They've made you feel worse about yourself if you can make amends. Now you're not can have now an adult daughter who still living with the messages in your head.

You may not even remember you said and you maybe didn't even mean to say on that way, but she still replaying in effect in the upper project. I've often asked men how many of you are married to a woman or were married to a woman that you would say is still caring what you call father wounds and every handler to say. Are there any that don't have those moments know.

In fact, this is a great segue to. I'd love to just read a section of Jeremiah 8 and this is verse 18 where Jeremiah is reflecting the heart of God as a father right in the way as a prophet. He's feeling the grief of what's going on in Israel and here's what he says my sorrow is beyond healing. My heart is faint within me, behold, listen the cry of the daughters of my people from a different land couple verses later for the brokenness of the daughters of my people. I am broken.

I mourn dismay has taken hold of me and then here's the question Jeremiah asks is there no balm in Gilead is there no physician there. You know it's interesting, is Gilead was the pharmaceutical center of the day, mom was made in Gilead so that question really was somewhat rhetorical know there is balm in Gilead. There are physicians there. But here's what he finishes with.

He says why Dan has not the health of the daughters of my people been restored. Are we still in a way, having the same conversation now that Jeremiah was having then. But here's the really cool thing you guys is if you fast-forward into the last verse of the Old Testament where God knew he was signing off for 400 years. He knew there was gonna be a big lack of communication for a while. He closes with a very powerful answer to this by saying that he will help turn the hearts of fathers to their children and children to their fathers, and if that doesn't happen.

What is he say I will strike the land the curse. We do not have to look far. Dewey to see the effects of the curse, but we know that God's heart is for daughters to be healed.

Do I hear an amen.

And God will apply the balm of Gilead through fathers in the power of Elijah anyone here another really cool thing you heard me talking about how I was reading in Luke 117 verse in Luke one John the Baptist pick that up to help turn the hearts fathers. So we see this theme where we learn that the bone how the balm of Gilead will be applied to daughters is through who fathers so dads even if you don't feel qualified are competent to help heal the heart of your daughter. The truth is, the more you take time to stop, slow down, listen, engage her at heart level you will be literally changing our country from the ground up because if we have healthier women. Yes, we will have a healthier America. Maybe a husband maybe are married to that wife who's carrying those father Downs. Is there something he can do to help his wife. That's a great question as we know within the body of Christ right.

We can be heard or we can be a healer and so is that dad is a man. The more you have that mindset, and how important back to sports is the mindset right. It's your mindset has everything to do right with the action you take on the field or on the court. It's the same with fathering. So whether or not your wife who's caring father wounds. You get to be a conduit of the father's blessing God as a father to her to affirm her and the truth is, if there's been a wound you're going to need to say more and do more to affirm. Again, it's not up to you that if she doesn't believe it's your fault, is really healing balm from Gilead can only come from God as a father ultimately right we get to partner in the miracle that God is saying he is going to turn the hearts of fathers. She's the ultimate one is giving her lots of dad or husband. I would say if you were to even on the mirrors. We talked about that of your of your daughter's life.

I've had women wife say I wish he would do that for me. I want that on the mirrors in my bedroom and I've had many dads many men start doing that. There affirm her with Scripture. When you say you you are beloved. You are my delight. You can take actual verses and put them with her name with your primary is 31. There you go through there so many first involve you listening to the note they're talking exactly what this you know what I was reading through your book and look at that the questions I thought every one of these I could do with an you would love it. I'm looking at this chapter.

Dad daughter date number 19 questions on longing for romance and royalty. Number one. Do you remember dressing up like a princess as a little girl did you enjoy it if you didn't, why not she would love me to ask her that I am with you now this is my God is my wife that this is connecting my heart to heart so it's not just a manual for fathers and daughters demand for marriage as well and for mom's were stepping in.

Sometimes having to do a dad roll and I had women tell me I can't find any men to invest in kids like I do know where they are but I don't have in the my family and the church doesn't seem to have any, but it has a margin in a single and I understand that is heartbreaking for you to encourage them think that God the father. There you go. Is your father think he sees he cares and so you kind of always reminding them of that.

Yes and and even in this book. If you as a mom want to lead your daughters or your sons in talking more about these issues.

I another again on all kinds of topics from everything from fine lighthearted things to you know suicide and cutting and depression and same-sex attraction in sexual harassment and assault anything.

The sun is out like okay okay that's a little little too intense for me. But if you've got a guidebook in front of you that you can read the question it helps can break up the intensity down yeah and I think I know your daughter didn't come with the playbook. You're gonna write one and you can do a lot of research some of the research that you found.

You know there's really powerful data in the research that shows that daughters. This is true for sons as well, but I'm to say this specifically to daughters. But daughters who feel connected to their fathers did you get the is not a heart word or had more time to quiz you day that's artwork that the hard word that they feel the connection that's delivered. Fathers rated by the way, easily repeat after fueling you about it.

But really, when a daughter feels connected to her father every area of her life is enhanced and strengthened and better she's going to get better grades in school, she's more likely to finish high school and attend college lower rates of substance use, greater self-esteem, less depression, she will delay sexual activities.

Okay, come on then, do I hear a man who ever thought that a dad daughter relationship was one of the strongest contraceptives we could have. I do not hear anyone talk about that.

Do you know but that dad daughter bond is the failsafe way to ensure that she will delay having sexual activity.

There's also less teen pregnancy get this all ties to the research with dads and daughters bonding.

She will also have more prosocial empathy. Okay, come on, when if we need that anymore than now. She will be more likely to find steady employment.

On and on it goes less body dissatisfaction.

You and I were taught message in our head, or fattening.

I still have that message now anything you wish one away, but here we are both in this season of her life going. I don't want to believe the lies, but that stupid father of lies just seems to love preying on where I most vulnerable.

So as man when you speak words of life.

You are truly representing God as a father to the lifespan. You have so much power that ignites your soul seeing like oh yes, like I want to step in and step up to that okay but we just need to acknowledge here that in those times when we will say to our wives or our daughter. I know you did it say so you know what you really look beautiful and what is the what others own right.

What we hear is that was the stupidest thing that it did make a difference. I will try that again and I know we should be smarter than this and go know this is your inner being, talking, and you're just saying that if you say this again to me. Please make me can you please tell me again and again. I know that but after a while as guys. It's like okay I'm up to say the stupid thing today is the last almost out of the got shot down so let me just say ladies the next time you know you look really nice today.

Just look at him and cycle time. Yeah that would be a nice thing for us to hear. I'm trying to better our okay Michelle.

In this past month I've talked to three families that had a 16-year-old daughter.

They each have 16-year-old daughter, Saturn, depression, anxiety, and I think that this is very commonplace right now and I had one dad call me and to said will you meet with my daughter and so I said, first of all I think it's amazing that you're calling me that says so much right there and he's made he's doing all kinds of things to help her is that common and more common.

Right now than it ever has been any depression. Depression and anxiety because I wasn't sure you are asking dad that I was going to say no. Yeah, absolutely. And you brought this up earlier and that with you. With the rise of social media because again I I've counseled teenagers for a lot of years and I'm amazed at how depression has gone up. I believe synonymous with socially media you say think there's a link absolutely in fact I could to give one right now I'd heard some statistics on the amount of time average a day something like 5 to 6 hours on social media were not talking on the computer for school. I would just encouraged hats to if you have a daughter who is really struggling with anxiety and depression, a place to start is limiting screen time and you know that's gonna have a lot of kickback from the daughter then here's the key. If you're going to take something away when he can replace with because I heard this great quote from an organization that said teenagers say adults are always telling us what to say no to never telling us what to say yes to. So if you're gonna take out a way I can think of one.

Dad named Dan where he is like my eighth-graders all self-absorbed and narcissistic and it's all about her and I said I got the antidote what Doc what you have. I said she needs to volunteer. He wants to get your eyes off yourself. You got engaged her in something that gets her eyes off herself.

All that's a great idea. I said but there's a caveat you need to do with her and he said not can happen really and I thought what that's why she was so we have a problem it okay if you have a daughter that is struggling with depression.

A lot of its comparison right and and I speak from experience on this.

We always come up short in our minds when we compare ourselves to the popular girls are the ones that are smarter, not even thought about that recently were. I still remember Stephanie worsen was smart when it always turned in her test before I was even halfway through, but yet now as an adult I think connected engage with some of my high school friends. One was what you were always the smart one and what are you talking about is that voice outside her head, affirming her creativity and we talked Dave about how you engage her go do a painting class with her where yours looks like you know first grader be okay not being perfect. Let her outshine you will build her confidence. But you're right that the depression and anxiety are on the rise. Medications for those things are on the rise where it's really a tough air as we all know the other thing that's on the rise is gender confusion. Yes, and same-sex attraction and am I really a boy and a girl's body. How much is the father daughter relationship connected to that confusion, to think well and I like Lisa. Do you think because you could talk to anyone in this in this line of work in psychology and they would have different takes on this, but I don't know that I can comment exactly on how much is that dad relationship tied to this, but I would say regardless of what your daughter is dealing with because what I'm hearing is that pretty young.

Now I'm talking even elementary school what they're being shown in school is that you need to explore and experiment. How can you know that you are this gender if you haven't, you know, tried on the other outfit in the dressing room or whatever and so hats again if you can teach your daughters how to think, not just what to think she will be able to than explain herself stand strong standalone stand up for herself and I found for no meeting in a Baptist pastor's daughter.

I could tell you for a lot of my life what my dad believed, and for a long time I believed what he believed. Good enough for him. Good enough for me, but I now look back and say I wish I would've been taught more how to think how you do that by asking questions. That's why in this book. I have questions on same-sex attraction.

In fact, I know we dad right now, who's, you know, a former missionary than a pastor.

His daughter is gay and they are now weakly going through this book that dad said and she said both of them together. We don't want to start with the deep end. We want to talk about what's happening right now in your relationship. But let's start with the laughing ones and then she told me a couple weeks and she said dad hand me the book, do the questions now about your life and helps dad sometimes. Remember back when they struggled but they forgot about it because it was seen for decades ago or whatever but the truth is, at the end of the day. Your daughters can it do what she wants to do with or without your consent shall just hide it better if she knows that you're disappointed. I've had daughter say her dad's disappointment is a much bigger thing. Even that is anger knowing she's disappointed her dad so a lot of daughters. I mean sadly Christian women as well. It's nobody's waiting to have sex anymore and so dad like brother not know that if you weigh in on this. Every other voice right will speak louder than yours. She may make a different decision, but if you speak to her about these topics. At least she gets to hear your opinion while you say, but I know you can make your own decision.

I just want you to love you no matter what member Oreo cookie, but a love you no matter what, but I just would you be open to hearing my thoughts on this and end with another Dino positive at the end. Thank you for taking the time to hear me. I want to hear you. You know when you shared a sword, a second ago about the dad whose daughter is struggled with anxiety and depression and you say go serve and he says the second half and she can do it on a go do it.

I just want to say that guy dude are you kidding me this is your chance.

Nobody's gonna remember you're not can remember in 10 years. Your job, or the cars you drove allowed to live in that I'm a sadist of the matter.

We all think it matters. It does not matter as much is your daughter feeling loved by you and care for you.

Do you want to be that dad whose daughter never gets out of depression because you didn't have the time to say on this, or whether step up from your whole book is engage. I'm liking each she's got her arms, figuratively and you can be the man God called you to be. You've got what it takes to do it today. Today I'm hoping today is a day that a day goes. I'm getting off this couch and I will engage make a difference in my daughter's life and I love how you got think ahead 10 years that I've encouraged dads to go to the end of their life despite some morbid but literally what you want your daughters to say about you when you're gone and I have a friend who actually. I challenged him and he wrote his own eulogy. I mean, you know, again sobbing as he reads this is daughters afford to now becomes then a guide what you want your daughter say about you.

At the end your life. And then I call it. Thinking backwards, then you work from there if you want to say I wanted to know.

I loved her right. We know in goal setting that's too vague. By doing what.

By the way, affirmed her by the way I build her up and supported what she was interested in, or you can be specific and those things that makes a difference in a dad saying this is how I know where I'm headed because I got a goal and I stated it, put it up in your office.

Put that statement up there to guide you every day to remember why this matters thinking of James one real quickening think about James one. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask who of God, who gives generously without reproach, and the dad who would say you've given me a few plays. But I feel like a Maratha plays pretty quick. That's what the books for exactly as a playbook for a dad to walk through. Here's how I can have this kind of engagement Michelle this is been so good so noble thanks for coming here and thanks for challenging all of us as men with our daughters and with our wives to step in and to be the affirming presence they need for us to be and Anna and I are saying as men.

You matter yeah you we need you will were grateful for you and we are this week, making your book available to family like today listeners who can help with the donation to support the ministry of family life today.

Michelle's book is called let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. You can request your copy when you go online@familylifetothe.com to make a donation when you call 1-800-358-6329 to donate. That's one 800 FL today. Keep in mind what your supporting with your donations is the ongoing discipling the mentoring that is happening day in and day out as husbands and wives and moms and dads are connecting with us here at family life saying help me when in the relationships that matter most to make my marriage, my relationship with my kids. You make this kind of practical little help and hope available every day when you make a donation to support the ongoing work of this ministry, and again when you make a donation today would love to send you a copy of Michelle Watson can build spoke. Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters as our thank you gift for your support.

Donate online@familylifetotheaid.com or call one 800 FL today to donate the website family life to the.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today, we have got.the personal family life, David Robbins, who has been sitting in with us here and David, I noticed you been taking notes during this conversation because you're a dad with a daughter at home right right I'm a dad with a preteen in the thick of it and you know what I loved about this conversation is as I want to go to my family life app send it to three other dads that are are dads of my daughters are classmates and us have a conversation about them. I think a lot of times dads we we love and taking amazing content like this and in getting the help and and having practical biblical help to raising our daughters as my first daughter who said preteen years but so often we do that in isolation and there is something that happens when a few dad start getting intentional together so I would do that I wanted to encourage you if your dad out there listening goes to the family life app look up this most recent series share with a few dads and Gil intentional having some conversations on how you can pursue your daughters and deepen your relationships together and I mentioned this before, if you've not yet downloaded the app, it's simple to do, go to the app store for your device and look for family life is one wordbetween family and life, the app should pop up. It's free to download and it does make it easy for you to share the individual broadcasts are a series like this with friends. So did Donald. The family life app from your app store and use that to connect with us on an ongoing basis and speaking of connecting, we hope you can connect with us tomorrow.

Matt and Sarah Hammett to join us.

Matt is the guy who wrote the song lead me was the lead singer of the group Sanctus real for years Matt and Sarah speak at our week and remember marriage getaways in order to talk about their journey in their marriage and the challenges they faced the lessons they learn so I hope you can join us to infer that think our engineer today. Keith Lynch some help from Bruce Goff today and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine so you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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