Communication Tips For Dads With Their Daughters

Ways we communicate to others that they are important to us is by giving them our undivided attention Michelle Watson Canfield says that's especially true in the relationship between fathers and daughters Fillmore and dad can listen to his daughter.

She gives her a gift of building her self-esteem because you think you're worth listening to. So that she doesn't have to go out and I see the world."

But everywhere else in order to be heard because daddy wants to hear her. This is family life today hosts are David and Wilson and Bob Lapine combined the someone of family life today.com one of the necessary skills to be a good listener is to know how to ask really good questions were to talk today about how dads can do that with their daughters stay with us and welcome to family life today. Links for joining us.

I grew up in St. Louis and in St. Louis. There's a big park in in Midtown St. Louis called Forest Park the middle of Forest Park is an outdoor amphitheater and every summer they have Broadway musicals that are shown at this outdoor amphitheater bill have six or seven shows every summer we got season tickets when I was a kid so I grew up seeing Broadway musicals in my hometown of St. Louis loved. I loved all this so there was one musical. I remember seeing that the featured carnival worker named Billy Bigelow and he met young Julie Jordan and they fell in love and they got married was called carousel Rogers and Hammer set there and there's a point in this musical. You have no idea what talk about. Then I was listening to the Beatles. I got it right out of the fight up from our guests and had a Watson Canfield. Welcome back to the program. Thank you. Glad to be that you know I'm talking about just like okay are what you will be interested in this. There's a point in this where Julie tells Billy there to have a baby and Billy has this scene where he goes out and he starts singing this song about how great it's going to be to have a son. My boy Bill, he'll be tall and as tough as a tree really to sing at all about little Bill and what a tough guy in the middle of the song it dawns on Billy Bigelow. It might not be a boy. He goes what if he is a she. And then he stops.

He's having to recalibrate and he there's a line in the song where he says you can have fun with the sun, but you gotta be a daddy to a girl and he starting to wrap his arms around.

I won't even know what to do with her. I won't know how to interact with her and over the course of the song he starts to get well.

It might not be as bad as you think, and she could be sweet than he starting to get used to this idea. I've been thinking about that song since I came across the copy of your book Michelle, which is called let's talk.

You are laying out for dads of daughters how vital how important a relationship between a father and a daughter is, don't you think most men feel intuitively more equipped to be fathers to sons than they do to be fathers of daughters I have seen that to be true. Over the last decade of coaching dads of daughters and yet at the end of the day.

I have so many dads to face lights up when they talk about having a daughter. I mean, do you remember that when you had looked at your daughter for the first time. How is it different in looking at your son know there's an emotional bonding. There's an emotional connection between fathers and daughters that I think is very different.

We moved.

We have three boys and two girls.

The girls came first so I had to connect their right from the start, but it was not hard because there is a part of your heart that goes to a daughter in a different way than goes to your son and send me pictures.

Even I can think my friend Steve.

You know how his son was three when his daughter was born. She's on his chest and he sends me a photo going this is different. I feel it and so that's I want dads to go back and pull up pictures of when their daughters were young that was easy and feel is it a sense of protectiveness. What he think that I do think it's a sense of care and nurture and protection. We feel a need to care for our daughters in a different way our sons are kind like you can figure this out on your own tough. You cannot do it with the daughter you feel like no I need to be there for you then.

And to be upfront. Yeah, I think protection is really at the heart of it all.

You can see that tenderness in his voice when he's talking about the nurture and care and so I really believe that that directed in Scripture right. Malachi 46 Luke 117, where God says he wants to turn the hearts, not the just the head of fathers to their children is that God probably pretty creatively be putting daughters into families so that dads develop that skill set and I believe it's a command because it doesn't come as intuitively for men and I would say you know you poor man. I say men read lines women read between the lines, where to get out of that birthday, he had you not see that so obvious, so that's really been my goal with this book is to write things on the lines for men to understand the heart engagement looks like with acids as daughters and it's that you have to soften your tone have to drop the anger you need to slow down and pace with her read her eyes.

Those kinds of things as you practice, the men you can engage the heart your daughter in your get a girl in the process, just like that sounds great. Do not harm your wife and I may be the opposite. I'm still going while that's impossible. There's a sense of that so hard, and even the grand now with all of our granddaughter is such not a daughter obviously been a granddaughter so different, every sons he just get them in a room and roughhouse and do whatever and with olive she wants to talk. It's so funny.

I will be on Anton like to do right now, but what you're saying Michelle is so true this is it forces me as a man to go heart yes I can't just stay head with a boy I'm not gonna get a not making too many generalities, but it's easier with head-to-head. Let's throw some around this run in the substance olive in a daughter would want to talk and it forces me to go in motion yet heart-to-heart and I gotta be honest part of me is like I'm out right know this is hard. I don't do this every day of my wife and asked me this for four years, he still frustrated now got a daughter, granddaughter doing it.

I can go to work and get things done. You know, and I think that's what we do as men we check out and we shouldn't write what I love giving practical actions depths to men because were we here right hold in the goods were like. It's so obvious and men are like you gotta put it on the lines so that I understand what you're saying listeners would love a really practical way to learn how to ask questions even if they don't even get the book.

Sure, okay, here it is men you take the last word of the sentence you just heard or the keyword of the sentence you just heard to ask a follow-up so sometimes and you go I'm out like I need to know what to say next. There were so many words you okay keyword or last words you pick her up from school honey, how was your day and she says she says well the seven person in the seven amended or no. She says it was fun would say you get home among was how was your day you go find no one answer answer on Venus. We think if you really cared you to ask us more? I think if she said find something happen today. That's a clue like oh boy, I need to dig in here where you think if she wants to tell me Marshall.

Tell me more. So you're telling me I should just go so it's fine me what was fine. They don't take those who what when where why how that we learned in school and linking up with what ever you hear, what about your day was fine shall tell you something, she may say that shall go fast yeah right guy in school member Aaron when I can totally die when he looked at me and Everett is watching him off. She is you think I have no idea what you asked what was the keyword the boys name it, there's no right or wrong could be that she was in music classical so what was that like in music class then when everyone looks so you have to come up with a whole different question to stay engaged in a heart level. But you know what my husband just said, this book should have been called let's talk and listen to me is really the more I dad can listen to his daughter. She gives her a gift of building her self-esteem because he think you're worth listening to. So that she doesn't have to go out and I see the world." But everywhere else in order to be heard because daddy wants to hear her.

So when you listen to your daughter you was steam her you give her a gift and if you're lost in that conversation. What are the two things last word or the keyword in the sentence hooking up the who, what, when, where, how could throw why in there if you want a lot of times I was a wise, looping question, why did you do that. I don't know what were you thinking when you did that. See, it's a different kind of conversation that you have.

I just say this is fascinating. Tell me more to be paying attention to say that. Do you really want to get her look at David so I could be thinking now that I'm smiling I have. If you love someone, you do and will you do really want another hard it's work. Sometimes it's work with a wife or a daughter or son.

It just work and sometimes you get exhausted and tired. They don't put in the energy and and I think all of us and around us. They were old enough to say. Be gone before you know it you get a blank. We used to say all it's forever know you're in a blink and you don't miss this moment. You got her in the car you got on the day you got whatever dome is this moment do the work to draw your heart and maybe your grandfather and you did miss the moment in the care girls.

It's never too late to reestablish that relationship and even with your grandkids.

It can look different and he seen that where men go back to their adult daughters absolutely, and I love that you just said and it's never too late because again I have seen more tears from men over that idea of either their strange from their daughters. There's been divorce in their out and it does feel like they'll never even win her heart back like it was when she was little and I told dad's okay, here's another practical idea.

Get a journal and begin to document in it with date and time. Prayers for her thoughts for her memories you have of her dreams for her future things you wish you could tell her and I believe that when God works to put that relationship back together you will have this time capsule of data to say see you were never far from my heart. What you heard what you believed because again you're building a bridge to God as a father who says I don't care how much of a pill you are. I am never turning my back on. I remember being 14 and I have two brothers and sister that are older and it 14 I would've said I really don't know my dad he super busy soup totally engaged with my brothers into sports and even though I was into sports, I would've told a counselor.

I feel very unseen.

I dad doesn't hear me even we had dinner at the dinner table and I think I was in the first or second grade I started talking about my day and my dad and it's not your time to talk this is any turn to when my brother says it's his time and I remember think it crushed spirit and what is that say says my father doesn't want to hear me or see me and that can connect me to God to Skype on here and so my uncle had cancer and my mom was taking him to chemotherapy. When I was 14 and so my dad and I am the youngest and so it was just my dad and I alone and my dad isn't a cook and so I said let's got deep and I felt so nervous as a 14-year-old I thought. I don't know this guy. He's never really talk to me and we sat at Belknap's and I was nervous as I can. You get home have a boyfriend I need to do homework and I was really fidgety and he said he looked at me said here a little uncomfortable.

Are you@plea talking Matt and I said are you ready to go now nods to the waitress he said I like another cup of coffee. Need I roll my eyes like you know and he said get some dessert and thinking now because I felt like I was with a stranger and as he sat and he drank his coffee for the first time he started asking me questions about me. It never happened and that happened for probably six months, and it brings tears to my high because it was the first time my dad saw me he had more power in my head a great relationship with my mom that I had this longing for my dad and that shapes me.

I tell them that my dad's 92 can I tell them out like that is when everything shifted for me.

I learned more from those six months of having dinner once a week with you then.

Most of my life and that that relationship has just continued to grow even at 92 and still learning things about my dad. I'm so let you share that and because even with my dad in the oldest of four girls and I've always been a mouth guard said. Michelle talks too much and you, having been single. Right till I was 60 I think I've been too much for a lot of men either talk too much or too much emotion too overpowering in vision or whatever and I think it's easiest for us as women to want to shrink right and say I'm too much for the world.

Men are encouraged often times to go there but a few years ago maybe five. I remember my dad and I were talking about words and he actually said to me which one be honest with you, your words wear me out all and I said I'm glad you told me.

But as we know God meet us as introverts or extroverts and we don't choose that and so I think really debts that are listening to hear that it's up to them to draw into the power of the triune God. God is the father. The Holy Spirit is a nurture comforter. Jesus is an ally, the trinities around you 24 seven and you will have what you need to engage the heart of your daughter because the God who made them is your ally and listen to the women in your lives. Her mom and aunt ask a coworker what were you like it. 14. What what did you need let women be coaches. That's another thing that is practical. That may help men do what your dad did, but I love the city asked me questions. He asked that was the greatest gift, and he seemed interested and he wasn't rebuking he wasn't correcting me he just listened and he's great at that. Is any Dave. He is one of the best question askers he you come to his house.

He's going to ask you everything. The fact that he wasn't doing that with her hand and then started doing that. I think it's a big theme in your book that I found very important for us men to understand as we have what it takes your words you have what it takes. Talk about that a little bit because I know when we first got married and then when I first became a dad I thought. I don't have what it takes because I didn't have a dad, was that I never saw that I don't know. It looks like I'm not sure what to do and there's a part of men that become passive them like she does show she'll do a great job and I'll just watch. And yet were called to step in. You know, but we sort of think I don't have it.

I'm not good at this. I'm to go do what I'm good at. I can work well, you know, so talk about that you believe fathers do have what you believe that well because God says they do right heat.

What we don't sign up for qualify to be a parent right it's God is saying I'm endowing you with what you need right in the spirit so the truth is that the God who made you will equip you because you're called to do this and my dad much like you, he grew up on the south side of Chicago setting kids three different last names. His dad was an alcoholic, died of gangrene you know he left when when my dad's mom put an iron on his face.

Last time he left semi-dowsing games from the time he was 12. I mean, no template of how to be a father. That's not an exaggeration. So then when I'm six years old my parents come to Christ and you know it's kind of a big steep learning curve there of what he had no template is like you and so I don't know what your story is Dave but I imagine you're a bit like my dad. Of get around men who you admire his father's and say can we meet for coffee to let them teach you and that's what my dad did went to seminary and became a pastor and met with that you know you need to get up 15 minutes earlier and do quiet times with your family before school my deck and some work in 1515 minutes arising but I look back at that.

When I went to Bible college. I remember taking a class and it was on, you know, creating family worship that looks like and see that's what my dad did not because anyone taught him inherently, but I think he watched good dad and then emulated that brought home. What isn't stated book you have the father acrostic and honestly, when I first saw the finished so the word first and like them to go. The next one. There's nothing here you know what first so you know, father, and then I read it and like genius. We are the ones to initiate first so uses a dead weight for her daughter were first on way first spouse first. You initiate I know is dad's and openers by experiences when your kids become teenagers and start to pull away from you, which is totally normal and should we let them pull away. I like okay I guess I'm sort of done rather than somebody first chided pursue them. I did my skill set and answers. Another practical idea for that is, if your daughter starting to pull away. She's that age right were peers matter more. Her physical appearance matters more makeup, hair). Adolescents go get a pad of sticky notes or a dry erase marker and go right on your daughter some years because when she looks in that mirror she sees every fly doesn't take absolutely reflux and the voice in our head says I need the stuff I hear from daughters my counseling office like beautiful women say they'll here like you fat pay starts when they're young early teens I heard some yet as young as 10 already cashiering like this voice and is interesting. When I ask my counseling clients. They think I'm really smart, but I'm really not. When I just listen. It's only second person. Yes, you. It's you you are you are fat you aren't this or you are the invite. The question who's talking the father of lies. Father exactly and so again because you represent God as a father get a pad of sticky notes or a dry erase marker and write on her meter in her bathroom in her bedroom.

You can even do the rearview mirror for car she's driving like saying I'm proud of you. I love you.

I'm praying for you. You're beautiful to me. There is so much power in that I think of myself looking in the near I would guess most girls looking in the mirror are hearing the negative and with social media today. Yes it's like a bullhorn in your head, and I remember thinking yourself that ugly dear so and it was this onslaught of these lies.

If my put one thing on it one time in my life. I would remember it would be it would be a milestone it would counter yeah what she's hearing in her head in real time and I've had dads do this for the last decade and they'll send me pictures where they'll say the sticky note I put in the bathroom. It's now on her bedroom wall or there lined up the sticky notes and I had one dad he said pets from five months ago and she hasn't taken it so dad your voice, your view of your daughter is going to stick with her and be internalized long after you're gone. Then you just hit the a of the father acrostic listeners are like me to argue oh you started acrostic. I got finished about first in the a is a firm time of five deposits to one withdrawal so you are just affirming whether to write in the sticky note or speak especially speak it really yeah and then T we talked about quite a bit is talk yet. I just tolerated.

They draw her house and write out the book and you get the questions the H's humor. What is that that's why I started with it because neuroscientists confirm that laughter releases chemicals in our brain that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding and the other thing is, it releases oxytocin counters cortisol which is a stress hormone. So dad if you've got kind of a bombed out bridge with your daughter forming ways to engage her and things that make her laugh.

That's good. The EE is engage. How is that different than what we've Artie said it means that you find out what she's interested in and then you do it with her was uncomfortable. She loves baking, you go get in the kitchen and where you're the one that doesn't know what you're doing and you let her teach you engage in things that she's interested in. And that's another powerful bonding thing is and I would agree to like I'm just imagining my dad coming to the kitchen. If I was a teenager. At first I be like what are you doing this is weird. Don't take anything personally what she could say because inwardly she is jumping up and down celebrating that you're engaging with her exactly that finally got the our witches reach 70 well again it's up to you dad to reach toward her. Isn't that what God as a father does he sent Jesus down to reach into our heart space and so as you reach out toward her. Whether it's physical contact like we talked about last time important hugging and finding ways to engage her in safe touch right that honors her, but is still pursuing her but really not reaching out shall never forget it and when my favorite things that my dad's done for at least 30 years as a Christmas he went to a commence conference once and they said, come up with a way to reach your kids, what a girls like perfume so my dad is done this thing every Christmas where you Jean about the 23rd or 24th.

We go to Nordstrom and have lunch and we sit in the perfume section and I try perfume on my arms and he helps decide which one I want you know how expensive perfume is now all the clerks are like oh I wish my dad would do that. But here's the cool thing is I'm telling last when I chose it was not cheap and I almost felt bad. I tend to be extravagant when I receive. It's harder to take it to the inside. I was so grateful that my dad would spend the money on me because where his treasure is there.

His heart is so that told me I had to start because he paid write so much money for this perfume. Every time I do things all year long and I put that perfume on. What is it reminds me your dad. My dad loves me and invested in me. So there's just another practical way that a dad could reach out to his daughter by taking her on a traditional data. She's not into perfume two books I dads go through the aisles of bookstores and by three books or do a painting project or something that she laughs.

I'm imagining every woman listening to this that has a daughter is thinking husband needs to hear this and I think there's a part of every man if his wife sends it to him he'll think CM doing it all wrong again. She's critiquing meet again. Coach Estes for minute for us women were so excited about this and maybe your husband wouldn't necessarily listen, how can we help them encouraged him even to listen or to get the book what's called Oreo cookie communication. The top cookie is the positive the middle of it. We can only handle so much about middle stuff right and then the bottom is next cookie is the positive, positive, negative, positive, so start with the positive like you can tell him I'm so grateful your kids dad and yet at the end of the day you speak Martian I speak Venusian I get that our daughter is really hard to reach. At this age. She's 15. She doesn't really want to be with you.

Hey, this woman wrote this book for dads and she's a woman. She says if it bombs just blame her. So you can't do it wrong because I found and wanted do it right, Jim, and they're going but I don't even know what that looks like so I'm I'm really allying with that place in man that says I want to get it right and I don't even know what that looks like and I say to dad. You don't have to tell your kids where you got the idea to get full credit. That's good what and you really have spelled it out for us in the book.

Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. We are making the book available this week. The family life today listeners.

Those of you who are regular listeners and water pitching to help the ongoing work of this ministry help make family life today possible not only for yourself but for your community and for people all around the world. There are hundreds of thousands of people every day who depend on the practical biblical help and hope they're receiving from family life today to help them navigate the challenges of marriage and family.

You make this program possible for others and for yourself. Every time you make a donation or grateful for those of you who are monthly legacy partners and were grateful for those of you who will from time to time pick up the phone or go online and make a donation to advance the work of family life today again when you make the donation today, you can request your copy of Michelle Watson Camfield's book, let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters go to family life today.com to donate or call one 800 FL today in the website for donation family life today.com or you can donate by calling one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today when I ask you to be praying for what can be happening this Saturday are blended and blessed event for couples who are in blended families and stepfamilies run deal gives leadership to that, we've got hundreds of people who have signed up to join us.

It's not too late to sign up if you'd like to join either on your own or with a small group or church group. You can find out more when you go to our website. Family life today.com but please pray for this event. Pray that God would use it in a powerful way in the lives of those who are trying to work out the challenges associated with a blended family.

I'm trying to do that in a way that honors the Lord can find out more about blended and blessed 2021. When you go to family life today.calm and be sure to join us again tomorrow.

When will continue talking about how dads can pursue their daughters when the hearts of their daughters build a stronger relationship with the girls. Michelle Watson Camfield. Come join us again tomorrow. Hope you can join us as well like our engineer today.

Keith Lynch got some extra help today from Bruce Goff course our entire broadcast production team is involved on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine see about next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas Acree ministry help for today hope for tomorrow