Dealing With Problems Before They Begin

When our kids provoke us and let's be honest, I do right ever said anything you wish you hadn't said That us reminds us that the Bible tells us we are to let know corrupting speech come out of our mouths. That's just an incredibly convicting verse so I when I caught on that I say look in your Bible and see if there any see if there's a little*there.

This is unless you had a hard day at work and are there any other exception of no let me know. Corrupting talk trash talk.

Having said that, that's gonna motivate me to say when this happens, what will come out of my mouth. This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifetoday.com.

Are there parenting strategies we can employ that can help us to respond rightly and use the right words when our kids provoke us to talk with Chapman Bettis about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us will do a little little test here at the beginning how now I don't know For you. This is for the listers. Although you can play along if you like those of you who have children in the home that lets us off the hook on this one, but if you have children in the home. When was the last time you got irritated or angry with them, as it been less than 24 hours has it been within the last three days yes have you gone a week without getting angry or irritated. I think this is a been the last 10 minutes is the reality of parenting is that frustration is always kind of easily and in region and it can be that the kids are just out of control and and we don't know how to bring order into the chaos right exactly because that can be the atmosphere. The home especially you kids are little, I know when we have our kids come visit us and bring the grandkids, which we love kids listen when you want to come we want to bring the grandkids.

It's always a joy to have them there, but we do have to become mentally prepared for the of the house is about to change for the next couple of days. If the level of activity is going to increase the level of the disruption is about to increase and we have to be emotionally and mentally prepared for and I find that I have to go the bathroom more personally place I can set the door lock it into your limbs and I just need a little time we were talking about how we deal with frustration and anger and impatience as parents and we have they have a recovering inpatient Bettis is with us, get on family like today. Welcome back. That chap is an author. He's a conference speaker speaking on parenting wrote a book called the disciple making parent and the book we been talking about this week called parenting with patients that, as you've shared came out of your own reality. Your own observation.

Your wife's observation. Actually, that your anger and impatience was was creating the wrong kind of culture in your home and you begin to go to work on this in your life if you were sitting down with a young mom or young dad right now saying I just every day find myself losing it with my kids.

But You don't know their throwing stuff there.

They're doing that they one of my kids. I just put up this new thing and they tore it down.

You understand the frustrations in the it's a it's a fertile field for anger to manifest itself. What's the process we go through to try to get to where we can bring peace to the home and peace to our own heart. Well, for that for that specific instance. I think what you're getting at is really and actually this and some of my material.

I call it parenting with confidence.

Parenting 101 God is given us the right and the responsibility to rule our home. Well first Timothy three says of a leader needs to manage his household. Well that's that's really everybody is not just missed pastors and deacons and so to say okay actually anger here is a frustration. I'm not leaving my family well and so I need to get a strategy to deal with those particular issues and on the one hand, anger is a foe in the sense that that I need to fight it. I need to repent of yelling I need to.

As I walk in the door expect that my kids are gonna be yelling or what you know whatever that is or wake up in the morning at the parenting paradox. I call it weekly. Expect our children to obey because God commands it. We expect them to disobey because they're sinful.

So, I'm going to wake up and expect they're going to disobey whatever happened yesterday as can happen again. Having said that God has called me to leave my family well to come up with some consequences. So we children are to obey their parents.

I need to be okay with that as an authority and now let's let's go with one or two of those and let's have it. Let's have a plan taken of the police. The policeman doesn't get upset.

He just writes a take it out and really goes out is not he expects people to speed today and he just these got a consequence, for it is all thought out and so I think sometimes work were trying to parent on cruise control, rather than saying children misbehave. That's what children know and that's okay once what I can do is yell or be frustrated and I need to I need to come up with a consequence, so if anger is a foe. He also say anger is a friend which I've never heard you. How can you be a friend. Well II wanted to make sure that that's bull*on that to say that it if someone is a recipient of abuse that that's not acceptable at all and I'm sure you can leave Brea hundreds and is not normal everyday anger. But what I'm saying is that it's an emotion given to motivate us for good. So back to the definition by Dr. Palace and its anger is an active stance that you take to expose something that you assess is important and wrong. So our son should have done his homework.

Arch our daughter should obey us, so it needs to motivate us to say what what plan are we going to have when this happens again. So in that way it's a friend. It's okay in that moment, Emily, my daughter just said no to me. You know, okay I need self-control, you know. But don't don't visit but make a mental note what is the consequence for saying no to me. I know that's wrong it's important it's wrong for-year-old shouldn't say no to his mom for her mother and yet I don't know what the consequences. So I'm just yelling so I need I need to come up with a consequence is a computer programmer before the Internet. Believe it or not I get a call at 2 AM and there are two things I needed to get the program running backs argue by sleep the night very next morning I went in and said this is going happen again. I don't get woken up. So let's kick it out to report or something like that. So by that. That's what I mean by by a friend in the sense that it motivates me to say. Maybe I need to change my heart, which is what you're talking about, which is I just need to be prepared. This is the situation wherein I need to work on my heart. Or as the ruler of my home. I need to I need we need to talk about some consequences that this is this is not right. Having a plan. It is, it is anything intentional in knowing beforehand.

Otherwise, we just react to our emotions right. You also talked about no trash talking and words really do matter. Talk a little bit about that too, but that's right. In Ephesians is let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth. And that's just an incredibly convicting verse is so when I taught him that I say look in your Bible and see if there's a little*there that says unless you had a hard day at work or… The time of the month or less. Something in.

Are there any other exception.

No, no corrupting talk come out of your note. No trash talk and having said that, that's gonna motivate me to say when this happens, what will come out of my mouth and in Jesus is our example their first Peter tells us when he was reviled. He did not revile in return, but he blessed so say okay this is this is the putting on the wind. When my child says no to me again what I want to make an essay in the moment when I was going to say the exact same were really there is can say yeah but in that moment okay it's so hard you that kind of self-control. I'm sitting here right now as I can when I'm in the family room and Balzer fly in and chunk gets taken out of my drywall.

Or how about this when your youngest son takes a rock and carves his name in the side of your minivan. Seriously, course where was mom and dad for that amount of time. I don't know but we came out holding was at an oath or five, and there is his name.

The pain is gone all the way down kind of marking his name in everything we had that same thing for Shirley finally got, you know I'm new to us. Van I come home one day my six-year-old and my four-year-old have a stick in there, just like our youth will there's a situation. So in that moment, a level of anger is expected yes you know you can have actually righteous anger without corrupting talk you can trash talking and it affairs well they ties but is it possible to be self-controlled have a set a level of anger and still be in the moment in a be honoring God while that's Ephesians 426 is in your anger do not sin.

So you're feeling that emotion you come home and there beaten. A copy of your card in your car. They believe in your like and so yeah in your anger do not sin. So how do you do it in that moment. I mean if your kids are wailing on the car so I don't think it's wrong to go exactly what I did.

I'm glad I didn't confess that is sin, but I think when you didn't take that and attack really yeah it if that it turned into a personal attack hearing yet yeah yeah that some words words, especially words that attack their identity are just satanic. Yeah, you know, so that's the kids are to be kids and asked cars a car but I just paid a lot of money for Carson got you doing and of course they realize later that was wrong but I don't. I think in that moment I don't I don't see that is sin in the in the moment I'd I didn't attack them personally.

Jeff Ewart stopping destructive behavior and and I do think with moms and dads. We have to pull back and go. Did we ever teach our kids not to be the time when we think marked their name and did we ever say I used to do this with our kids would go to the grocery store and I they had acted up at the grocery store before and so I realized I need to have the little huddle before we go to the grocery store were about to go to the grocery store and here's what's can happen.

You're gonna want to pull stuff off the shelves. You know how tempting that is. You see the stuff you want pull it off the shelves and I'm just can tell you if you do that here is can be the consequence. So when were in the store and you see something ago. I want to pull it off the shelf. Just think to yourself, here's what's can happen if I do that I would have that coaching moment with our kids so that I trained them. I think a lot of parents expect kids to behave and they've never been through the training to teach them.

You don't carve your name in the side of the vent minivan.

You don't beat on it with a stick drive secrecy. I think in that case your showing wisdom and that you're looking ahead yeah and so your part. You know the temptations for them and you're looking ahead. And then I think for us then. Also, as to say okay when they execute when they do that and I grabbed the candy or whatever then you're like oh honey, sorry.

And then I'm to follow through and the consequences all of your living right got a brand-new idea from you about this so next time we go to a woman's clothing scatter to save and you can have the attempt to pull that dress off the thing in life you have them here little more tentative than I am a Harley-Davidson started a guitar store.

Let's collect Ephesians 426 that you mentioned that. And I think there's often confusion like what exactly does it mean I'll read it to you.

You are the expert asked what Paul writes in your anger do not sin which he talked about. Do not let the sun go down while you're still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. So break that down a little bit, as as a husband, or as a dad is as it in marriage or in parenting. What is he saying obviously he saying in your anger.

Don't sin.

In other words, it could lead to sin, but don't have to. But then he talks about the sun and the devil. What's all that was going on. Well II think for many years. My wife and I took that literally sounded we and it just lead to worse things because we are trying to resolve a disagreement at 11 o'clock at night on Mars were 339 you're not thinking, you're not thinking clearly, you know, and what it says don't yes before the sun goes yeah yeah but IIII got that in the back of I got that will appendix in the back. I saw it I I have taken that and others may disagree, but I would say now is an older older person. II need to release that anger trusting trusting that we are going to resolve it in the morning when were were were both saying I'm going far as possible not go to bed angry in the sense still harboring that because I don't know about you but you what happens if you go to bed angry. Then you get up here in the shower. You should resent this initiative. I can't believe she got to know you just like rehashing it all over and you they start again but praying and giving it to the Lord and say that we need to resolve this so it's it's not. You can't go on for weeks but in the sense that that is metaphorical in the sense of you need to resolve this quickly. That's the principle. Yeah it needs to be resolved quickly and I do think that if you don't then actually you allow bitterness you give the Devils got a place when there all sorts of people who have these unresolved issues that had never forgiven you and your wife strategize together in parenting even probably going to some these issues with anger. Tell us what that looked like well I think one of the things really that it's is a practical application of coming up with a plan with four kids and two years apart. Our time to communicate was getting less and we have more issues that we want to talk through and we found her self disagreeing and so one of the solutions that we we had upon was weak. We kept little notebook where we would write down things to talk about so so rather than for correcting the other in the moment you're being too hard or whatever. Or we need to talk about this.

I don't know what to do about this issue and we would keep a little notebook. Each of us would sing notebook, but we write down in the and then once every two weeks we would go out for coffee.

I sign pitching like you kissed something like well you know that it was the sense of I will and I want to talk about that good.

I think I agree. I think it's I think your little over the top that time And in its several times and I want to talk about it but in the moment is not the time to talk about it she's not feeling the kids are not being judgmental in the moment is not the time to talk about what we can talk about it later. And what a coffee date does is it pulls me in as is the dad to say hey you're supposed be responsible here and it's a stand and say we need to come up with a plan and so that was just that was really helpful for us again and it slows down and prevents anger because now we can say okay were going into it with work. We have problems we have issues and now have a plan that were going to execute and then we can calmly do we say okay well up your you didn't do your chore. What was the consequence for that is on the short owe an extra chore. I thought the character chart and and and that's a great part of this strategy you talked about the anger Journal and how you were using that to counsel your own heart.

But this character chart was a great tool. So if the parents want to set one of these up they can get the book and you you give them guidance there. What would you suggest well I use this quarantine time I've actually worked on this on another video series parenting with confidence and it's the parenting 101 and it's this idea of it's okay to be an authority. Authority and affection. I think the younger generation is mailing the affection part. They better than I did.

But he also where okay being and authority and the need to be consequences.

Let's not rush past that because I think that's a key what you mean when you say the younger generation is nailing the affection, but not realizing the more emotionally connected love their kids, grace.

You know that there's not this harsh, you shall obey me just just identifying with the kids just I'm just really really well. Having said that, in Spurgeon talk about this about our heavenly father.

But this is true for us as well. There also needs to be authority and and we as parents are the authority God commands out of his goodness. Children should obey assessed on a power trip for us like that's out of God's good plan they should obey us, and since we know there are not going to. We need to have a consequence and that's okay because training is action I did. I just have to jump on thereto because it's not just about your kids learning to obey you. It's about your kids learning that authority exists in the universe, first with God, then with human authorities and they need to learn how to obey authority. The home is the place where you teach them that. And if you're not teaching them that you have problems in school or with the police or with on an employer so this is your really discipling them when you say you've got to learn to obey mom and dad. It's a gift of showing and there are consequences to their good actions and their core action tank that's biblical so back to the character chart, so one of these up what I do have a coffee date for it will first of all I think you just record record what's going on in her house. You know what am I getting upset and they're saying no, they're not doing it sure my pastor. You know his he was wrestling with his incessant greater kindergarten would come home and have potty talk as late as he called it. So what are you list and then and then figure out a couple of those things don't trying to do everything right and but then figure out what's the consequence. Something would you tackle a single issue at a time and do it over a three week. I think it depends on that depends on the age of the kids and but I did trying to a lot of talking and letting you do this, but were now were going to implement some principle or greater consequences than the given example like Elaine sure obedient.

Okay, so you have who's doing this you have the account went to put off yeah and that would be yet and you have consequences you have that on your chart so they knew that if they didn't do a chore right away. They got extra chore. So and then you put what to put on and you're supposed to put on immediate obedience. You had Scripture break right so how did you walk that through what I wanted them to see that I was just not making it up that this is rooted in God's word.

Whether it's Proverbs wisdom order per Scripture is well and you'd have a training time at the dinner table and you'd say look kids you have been doing your chores.

Here's what's gonna happen going forward right right right. Mom and I have not been honoring the Lord in this area. Working under the Lord and off depending on the age you might have brace time.

You know where you say hey you did it again when I get to implement the consequence, but is coming up or opening on the age of they can handle it.

You did it. I think also in not my mind it's the expectation in this the circles back to the anchor.

It's the expectation that just because I said it at dinner time.

Then I'll expect all will now they can do it hello then and so you're going to say I'm actually going to expect to have to deal out one of these consequences. One of the other things we did with our kids. That's in the same vein when they were two years old three years old, I'd say let's play the obey game, and that's why called the obey game and they go how we class and you go over there and in just a minute I'm a call you to come over to me and when I call you you jump up and say, okay daddy and you run over to me.

Okay and they took let's play that and so they go over and they be sitting doing something I go, Katie, will you come here and she jump up to okay daddy and should run over to me. I go you one way to go.

I give her a big hug. You play again yeah lastly can we do this for 10 minutes. I'm playing a game with them, but I'm teaching them a pattern, a habit that I want them to be in when they're four or five. I don't want to be a game I want to be a way of life for them rides that solid gold that she is 584 because it didn't work okay.

You continued to do so. I really did have an impact and and help them with this, but but then don't expect that. It's just going to fix everything and when. Therefore, they always obey and it's really the same game in a sense, when their 1617 18 and you say the curfews 1110 nine whatever and they don't okay daddy if they don't show up. There is a consequence there has to be right down and didn't even have to be meted out in anger is just there's a consequence I think getting a handle on how we exert our authority without anger being the catalyst for that that's really what's at the heart of this book and this series that you put together. I think this could help a lot of moms LeeAnn's and work or glad you been here to talk with us about it. Thanks for coming. Good to have you here, my joy and we hope that our listeners will take advantage of the video series you put together on the subject parenting with patients and in fact chap you've agreed to make the videos available right now for free to anybody who gets a copy of the workbook so you can go to family life to a.com and find out how you can access for free that the videos of Bettis five sessions on parenting with patients and that's a subject that I think all of us could benefit from spending some time thinking about again the videos are available for you when you purchase the workbook information is available online@familylifetoa.com.

We also have copies of chaps book which is called the disciple making parent and we got that available in a family like to the resource Center along with David and Wilson's new book, no perfect parents. Again information is available on the website of family life to a.com or you can order the books from us when you call one 800 FL today.

Now we're pretty excited around here because we have a weekend remember marriage get away happening this weekend in Indianapolis, Indiana, and it's been a long time, but we have we have one last month but it's been a year since we've had a full schedule of weekend.

Remember getaways David Robbins is here with us and David are commitment. Our goal your family life is to do whatever we can do to help couples connect well with each other around biblical truth yeah Bob.

Our seating is obviously limited at weekends to remember and our team has done an incredible job coming up with a creative resource called dates to remember where you get three moments together with your spouse to have really intentional rich spiritual conversations together that lead to greater intimacy and just on Instagram.

Today I saw post by Emily who said Steve and I seriously talk for like three hours straight to the first moment of our dates to remember box. There was no distractions. It was just us and it was so awesome and she goes on and says this is for all couples no matter how long you been together.

It's so great to be intentional and if you'd like more information about the dates to remember date box you can go to our website. Family life today.com the information's available dairy can order it from us online and if you want to find out more about the handful of weekends to remember the word and continue having this month May and then June. Again, go to family life today.com and the information is available there and those of you in Indianapolis or go to the we can remember this, we can have a great weekend.

We hope all of you have a great weekend. Hope you're able to worship together with your church family this weekend and I hope you can join us on Monday when working to talk about the special bond between dads and daughters and what dads can do to help deepen that bond conversation starters for dads and their daughters Michelle Watson Canfield will be here with us to talk about that. Hope can be here as well want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help this week from Bruce Goff in the course our entire broadcast production team is involved in this on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson unpopular peen. Have a great weekend see you Monday for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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