Evaluating Our Anger As a Parent

Bettis is a Bible teacher who teaches a lot on marriage and on parenting and he admits when it came time to teach about parenting with patients.

He was approaching the subject, not just to try to help other people. This was my sin and I and and I done a lot of thinking for my own heart that I need to change in and the home is the hardest place to live out the gospel people know how to push your buttons and in your tired and just want to be left alone and in comes a toddler. Teenagers like that and so they see the worst side of us. This is family life today hosts are David and Wilson Bob Payne can find us online@familylifetoday.com I think all of us could use a refresher on how to feel more kind and patient with our kids get some help today from Bettis stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us. There was a song our kids learned your you remember back in the day when there were, you know there was salty, the singing, so yeah hello may have hands holding you back back when our kids were growing up there were all of these musical for kids and our kids listen to them. So, there was one song that our kids learned and saying, and we sang to each other from time to time. It was a song that went have students. Patients don't be in such a hurry really have your this one is inpatient. You always start to worry, I think was about like some worm or something that was slow or you know anyway what our kids would remember. Remember that God is patient to and thing all the times when others had to wait for you to know if I call that a good mind but well in our home.

It came in handy if you look at our kids and say kids patients patients is just getting to slow down. Then we realized Mary and I realize they're not the only ones who need hesitation to yourself. Sometimes we had to look at each other and go sweetheart have patients have patient because we can get exasperated. It's all it happens almost daily, I can never really live in such a fast-paced culture that we don't slow down and have patients of every student from your microwave and been like Korea.

Microwave and yet you know I'm of us are old enough to remember he had put that in the other dinner on the stove in it. It's the world we live in one an instant download now and we want that in character, especially hard when you're a fast-paced person and then you've got three toddlers and everything takes forever. We've got a friend who is back with us on family life to date. Bettis is here Welcome back.

Thank you for a chap is dad. He is also a church planting pastor who couple years ago you started something called the policies project were to pick that name that cometh well Apollo's in acts chapter 18 yes is articulate his zealous is mighty in the Scriptures, and he's courageous and I just felt like as parents we want to raise our children to be like Apollo so we know Daniel and Daniel of of the Old Testament right and we know Timothy. Timothy seems to be somewhat fearful and I just think as our culture becomes more and more anti-Christian that we need young people who are going to be able to be articulate. Be mighty in the Scriptures and and courageous as well. There came a point in your pastoral ministry where you felt God pressing on your heart to make parenting your focus and to help moms and dads raise the next generation. Tell us about that process. Stepping out of pastoral ministry and send.

This is what I'm look talk about and this is what I meant to make my life's work.

I think one of the joys of pastoring is you get paid to study and but you also have but there's always next Sunday coming in sense of the blessing the blessing is repaid to study, but you're also driven by what what is next and you can never take some time to spend a lot of time specializing in one area and so there are so many sermons are side studies were.

I just wanted to do something more in, especially in the area of the family think about. I want my kids to follow the Lord.

I had a bumpy transition from childhood faith to an adult faith and then as I look out over a church all these young people I want.

I want as a pastor to look back in 20 years and so you have the these kids are walking with the Lord. They didn't see hypocrisy in the church they saw a loving church. They heard the true gospel and their hearts were changed so that was my that was my heart and and then eight years ago. I just change my heart and same time my wife's heart and said you need to pursue this need to pursue this full-time and so stepped out in faith and now our ministry is is supported by friends and does what I do, full-time, and you're going to churches in doing seminars in your important books and resources together you been with us on family life today talking about your book, the disciple making parent, which is kind of your your major thesis. It's the core material when it came time to write a second book you zeroed in on the subject of patients in parenting why that subject will can you see my smile.

It's a problem for some people out there is now this is this this was my sin and I and and I done a lot of thinking for my own heart that I need to change and in your kids say one of the reasons they walk away from the faith is because of hypocrisy that home is the hardest place to live out the gospel people know how to push your buttons and in your tired and just want to be left alone and then comes a toddler teenagers and the like that and so they see the worst side of us and so much that this is my this is my sinful area and so had studied had thought about it and I think by God's grace had seen some growth and then as I would talk with people find out. Oh yeah, this is this is an issue as well so felt led to hundred and in a video series so a lot of what you wrote in the parenting with patients is about anger and anger like the opposite of patients. What what what is anger. I've never been mad so I just well I think the definition by Dr. David palaces really help me. It is an active stance you take to oppose something that you assess is important and wrong in active stance you take to post something that's when anger is an active stance you take to oppose something that is important you you believe is important and wrong.

I just found that very helpful because on the one hand, and helped understand why. Not all anger sinful. So, we know Jesus was angry and obviously Denson Mark chapter. Chapter 3 in Ephesians 420 success in your anger. Don't sin, and so so there are times that things are important and wrong and we need to address that and on the other hand, of course. Then there's huge huge warnings in Scripture about the destructiveness of a event in the problem is when you have an active stance opposing something that you assess that is important wrong and it's really something that's just trivial and something that is inconveniencing you right and that's I think the heart is you have to be able to look and say yes Jesus was angry. In Mark three. When people worse were the Pharisees for sinning against this man and God's glory was at stake when they sinned against him on the cross, when he was reviled. He reviled not and so that's most of the time.

99% of the time I my anger is not righteous anger. They will talk about that. What's the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger. What I think. I think it's we talked about before, which is that there is is something important and wrong and is my him, I am involved in it. So in other words, I can see something the church and say we gotta deal with this and have a little little emotion behind it so that that this is not right as opposed to if it's attacking me.

It's often my self-interest. This is that is is God's glory. At stake Tori is my comfort at staying my my desires at stake. I think that's really the heart of the country thing right wing James four says what causes the fights and quarrels. It's the desires that battle within you and I to meet what what was hard for me to assess those apparent is that I got bad desires and then I got neutral desires or could desires that become demands. So in the moment watching the game on Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon and not being interrupted. That's a neutral desire may be a good desire but if I'm interrupted and I are wrapped now that became that was a good desire that became the demand will you talk about two major ways that we express anger in you just talked about one we blow up right with the other. Well, we can clam up right so there's there's there's every couple knows the silent treatment right if it's fixed. I'm not going to talk to you till you apologize and you know and animate a punishing by withholding affection just just going inward as well. You know, just mulling over in her mind, resentment, rather than saying this section.

Something we should talk about I should I should bring this up, and I should talk about this person. I just bury it and becomes better. So how did impatience or anger manifest itself in your life when you were raising your kids bring this to the parenting your smiling again, why, how big is your listenership going to confess my it sounds like this happened on more than one occasion raising my voice yelling being short with the kids. You remember a time that was kind of a defining moment where you said I really got out of hand here, and had to go back in okay okay truth it in this this is humbling. This is humbling, so goes back to expectations and so is is a church planting pastor. We were not growing.

The way I thought we should grow. Been there done that out yet.

The up and you know why pride on my part, these people won't do it. There's a horrible wicked pride just wicked terrible, but can you explode of the congregation know Sebring home on Sunday and yeah so my wife like Nathan plotted. She took me out.

We went on a picnic and she said were certainly call these black Sundays. This is not acceptable and and I heard that and if so, you're right. You're right. This is because I think one of the things that anger is you underestimate how much are hurting people say and I just scream my voice a little bit. I just yelled a little bit you. You were coming home from a frustrating time at church where it wasn't on the way you wanted and you were displacing your taking that frustration out on your wife and on your kids yet and I knew they better walk on eggshells with dad on Sunday. Yeah yeah and I was very helpful. That was eye-opening and I think I resent is deceptive. That way you just think so it's no big deal or my fingers righteous or I just raise my voice a little bitter so it it it is interesting that the anger that your family was getting was not about them right. You know you nicely can you come home from church and I have been a pastor and yeah you can take out what you're feeling about church. I had a more said to go from church to Detroit Lions sideline and then come home so I lost twice that day. I just didn't get some. Could you talk about this in a you get into it in a book in I expect the same thing in my life when my wife said to me early in our marriage after a conflict in the kitchen. She just looked at me one day and said you know what I'm like and bring stuff up anymore because every time I do that that's what you do you blow up. And I just looked at her.

She walked away and I'm not kidding. I didn't realize I do this I go. We talk about I don't blow up. And she is turns and goes like exhibit a to know and I'll never forget that moment again it was decades ago. Because I went to the three guys that I met with every week and I said to them, hey, of all the emotions that you experience as a man. Which one do you think you experience the most and they all look to me like what he died of bowel emotions. What are those you and I listed you know like joy or happiness or tenderness or anger or sadness and I just that we think every guy sitting there said all yeah definitely anger. I said why they go. I don't know. I said well here's an answer to me this week. I gotta find out where this is coming from. Long story short I discovered what used talk but in parenting with patients that anger is a second emotion. In other words, when the emotion that you should be feeling in this situation is uncomfortable.

We often skip right past it and were angry and I was like one was going on like emotional hurt. You feel hurt what you guys do.

Often we don't cry nothing. We don't but we should, we often don't realize we go right anger.

You come home from church or feel frustrated and there's a there's an emotion attached to the church thing, but all your family gets his anger. So talk about that a little bit because I think you identified something most of us don't even understand it often or anger isn't about the situation worsened, and sometimes it is but often it's we don't even realize it's plugged in the sump mouse and we've never even looked at that. So talk about that but I think go back to the passage in James four that it would. It's coming from a desire that is within me so I can be desire for to have obedient children to repair and on cruise control to have in this case, you know church this just growing you know just blossoming and all these other expectations or rights that I feel like I have I have ever right ever right to obedient children. I have a link to this. I worked hard all day. I have a right to the essence. So to me to be able to drill down what I think for me what was clarifying in my head to so I stopped justifying the anger was to say that some of these desires are good, but I can express them this way and I need to figure out what how can this desire to see our church grow or to have obedient children, or whatever those things are, how would you have me at this moment. Progress did you end up apologizing, just so you more than once how many many times.

Brenda yeah yeah absolutely, absolutely. I think also part of that we get into us and confess and confess I know so there's been needs to be. What's the restitution. So what is part of the restitution my restitution and my heart was journaling what just happened, what was going on in my heart were the desires going on and then I want to make you do differently next time. So to me that anything that especially in the sand area we can get into us and confess and confess hi. I think this is really typical, at least for me as a young mom with three boys that were super active and really going crazy. I thought never been angry my life.

These children have brought this out if me and because I would blow up at times during the day was just frustration. Then I would go to bed at night feeling so guilty helpful are seen as like any just pounced on me at night right right what we do with that because I think that can be very typical, especially for moms with young kids. You can do it ended, she got up at two in the morning wouldn't tap the each boy and the children said I am really sorry I did that sometime this play is ongoing sometime yes so to me. Part of this. Ephesians 4 talks about that were to put off put in and put on over to put off the sin renew our minds and they were to put on a positive insult to me part of the reason I wrote this is because I released my judgment of some of the literature out there. What I see young moms talk about today is exactly what you're saying which is, I confess, it is saying this is wrong. Having said that, along with that comes a resolve second Corinthians talks about repentance, but repentance brings it brings a resolve I'm going to repent. I'm going to change and then the positive thing anger as a as a quote unquote friend saying what was the issue is going to happen tomorrow right. What am I going to do differently tomorrow. Whatever happened today is going to happen tomorrow. I'm like to be surprised of the debt that you know they got about 15 times for water last night so get out again tomorrow night.

So what is the put on what is the consequence I'm going to think hard because my own sin is so so destructive's on the one hand, taking it very seriously not just getting Congress and confess likable to say okay I need to see how ugly the sin really is is a photo fight and it's an emotion that says something is important or wrong. Maybe, maybe not in God's given us as parents we can we get this whole realm to rule over you know we get to think about a family is really cool like you make your own culture you have different foods you like different traditions different no music or would sports whatever's emphasize that's really cool that God gives us.

As part of being made in the image were ruling over this realm.

But what this anger reveals is there's a problem in this little realm and I need to think about what am I going to do about it once and for physical is to come up again and one of the things you have to do about it is you have to guard your Baptist your heart but your tongue because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. And one of the ways we can tell if somebody's angry is the words that are coming out of their mouth area area so hot.

How does a parent who recognizes my speech has become explosive the words I'm using are toxic words how they begin the process of moving from sinful speech to godly speech we talk about in the parity with patients are sent anger journal where were basically you you walk through and you say okay limit when we replay what just happened and support part of it. We are choosing to live life very quickly and we don't slow down and replay the video and's to get him to for your example there and to say okay what did the kids do that cause me to get upset and so slow down the video and what did I say in writing that out is very the comic to convicting it is and I think that but that's part of the repentance is the site yet. Those words came out of my mouth.

Proverbs talks about reckless words pierced like a sword in the say yeah this this pierced my this pierced my child knows you're describing that I'm thinking that Dave's can relate to this anytime the team fumbles in a football game. The first thing that we want to do as fans is show me the replay and show me the replay from about six different angles so that I can see what happened. What knocked the ball loose was his knee down before you lost the ball.

We want to evaluate this so we couldn't see what happened here, and yet we fumble his parents and we move on and don't stop and go what what happened here. Let's look at this link.

Asked if he's in a football analogy and I love that it's true is that it's exactly true in that's why that anger journal such a great idea because we don't replant in actually don't even sometimes entering the minute we just walk on by our kids or tell nothing like typing illness yeah or or sometimes it actually works and that's that's the scary thing is when you got when your kids are running around like crazy and you yell and suddenly there quieter. They didn't do their homework and you gallon the get motivated and you think of this. Actually, this actually does work I need to pull that card out every so often the yelling card and James but James 120's as the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God. So in that moment you're getting the homework done, but you destroy your relationship with your kids atmosphere of your home Friday. I just wondered if Black Sundays changed they did they did. I got by God's grace over how long a period of time think I think it was the rebuked the Nathan type rebuke and then I'm injuring people that I love and and so believe it's Paul Tripp who said he has a statement where he says my view of myself is about as accurate as a fun house mirror so if I will in humility except that here's what people are saying and that's true. Not not what I'm perceiving is true, but what they are saying is true in that moment that I have to change because I will I love these people.

I'm guessing some of our listeners are gone. Why did I have to listen to this. This is been convicting may be there recognizing some of these patterns in themselves.

Here's the good news it can train you and by God's grace. It can change. It may take some work and some time, but trust me, this is work and time you want to do you want to invest because you don't want 10 years from now your kids to be saying. Mom was always angry yeah and I love what you said When you start to get angry, start praying and I can be the first step. Besides channeling I remember getting my case I need you right now I just calming myself down. One of the for the spirit of self-control and so depraved to take a breath and to have Jesus that conversation going on continually has really helped. You have got a video series and workbook available on the subject of parenting with patients and You've agreed that for our listeners.

You're gonna make those videos available to anybody who buys the workbook you not to pay a separate streaming sleep you can go to our website. Family life to.com to find out how you can get the workbook and access to the five sessions on parenting with patients from Bettis again.

The information is available on the website of family life to a.com and of course we also have copies of your book which is called the disciple making parent that's available@familylifetoa.com as well so we can go to the website family like today.com or call one 800 FL today. If you have any questions about the video series the disciple making parent in the workbook that goes with that or his book, the disciple making parent and while were talk about parenting David and your new book. No perfect parents has just come out so I get resources for parents go to family life today.com if you like to order any of the resources we talked about. Call us at one 800 FL today, 1-800-358-6329 21 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today, we want to take a minute and say thank you to those of you who are not just listeners, but those of you who have made today's program possible for all of us that would be those of you who are either monthly legacy partners or those of you who will from time to time donate to support the ongoing work of family life to. We so appreciate our partnership together with you.

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Hundreds of thousands of people every day are getting help because of your support and we are grateful for that this week. If you're able to help with the donation would love to send you as a thank you gift a copy of the book marriage triggers by Guy and Amber Leah guy and Amber talk about the things we do in marriage that provoke each other that cause us to to respond wrongly in a marriage relationship and how can we correct that.

How can we respond in a biblical manner rather than just venting of the book is our thank you gift when you help with the donation today, we can donate online@familylifeto.com or you can call to donate at one 800 FL today.

Again, thanks for your support. We look forward to sending the book marriage triggers your way, and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we talk about how we respond rightly when her kids provoke us. Bettis will be with us again here as well next to our engineer today. Keith Lynch with some special help from Bruce Goff and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob team.

See you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow