Breaking the Cycle of Fighting

Intermarriage all of us have ways we can irritate one another.

Forgot I am Amber Leo, one of the challenges they faced was just the reality of the their days were very different days. I'd be at work all day long.

I'm getting to ghost up with coffee maker get coffee. I have great meetings in my office. I'm going to lunch with friends but I come home and not understand her world and the difficulty of taking care of the colicky amino acid reflux, China.

Everest never said she had ever got sleep, but I would come home and not have the perspective of understanding what her world was like old a little.

This is family like today.

Our hosts are Damon and Wilson about pain. You can find us online@familyliketoday.com. The Bible tells us we are to bear one another's burdens, or at least have empathy for one another talk today about how we can cultivate that in marriage stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. One of the things we have said for years at the family life. We can and remember marriage get away. I'm wondering which of these things are for you to pull out right now I remember what one of our co-speakers are from Gary Ross Berg was up on the platform. One time he said all right let's just get out of the way, I got conflict. You got conflict all got sorted out what comes in and he just said here's the principle conflict is common to every marriage and the goal of marriage is not to be conflict free. That's a pie-in-the-sky that's never happened. It's two sinful people living together, there's gonna be conflict if the goal is to know how to handle conflict rightly when it occurs.

I remember listening to an episode of Focus on the Family. Years ago Gary Smalley was on and Gary said I'm a tell you, Gary Smalley.like this exam until you one thing, the one skill of a couple can can get this skill down. It's the one skill that makes all the difference in marriage. I'm listening. I know I'm cohosting a marriage and family radio show. I should know what this one is for Liz and I don't know. I keep listening and he says it's the ability to resolve conflict.

If you know how to resolve conflict. He was saying that's going to take care of so many issues on the will to make sense you have conflict if you know how to deal with that you can have oneness in your marriage if you don't know how to deal with it. You will be my soul and the marriage guru John Gottman says the same thing you know and he's really an expert on it. I consented I member at our church we done many marriage conferences and weekend series, but one year we said we are due for two days of marriage conference at our church only on one thing every taco be about one thing conflict as well not have it feel this not resolve it. We thought okay asking a limited number of people come because it's just so that like 30 minutes every thousand people. Pam where there like Rouleau, I just hit something our church attendance actually grew during a series out if we got Guy and Amber Leo joining us this week on family life to a guys, welcome back pain thing is to be that guy guess they're here because I have conflict or guile. Amber live in Southern California there involved in video production and all kinds of projects in the in the entertainment industry.

Amber's been here before. She and Wendy speak wrote a book on the triggers away. Parents get triggered by their kids and how we deal with that and now Guy and Amber have brought that wisdom to bear on the marriage relationship with a book on marriage triggers and you list 31 triggers in this book. What you want to start which twitched as well mean, obviously you are the authors and near the experts that you have the external triggers that come from the outside, and often other people and an internal but the first one I am one of those people. It likes to read real books by real people, not that I don't like experts. But you know people and when I eat when we wrote our book.

The first response from one of our friends was wow you're so real. I think our marriage is a lot better than yours. When I write a book. I think this is how they are so real and we love it from the start and I did not expect the first chapter to be where you started and I found myself going. Oh, this is this is this is universal. I'm guessing almost every couples phone so you call the first trigger when you married Mr. wrong or miss all wrong yes and Amber wrote this chapter so and it's it's about your own marriage but walk us through that well yeah I'll let Amber talk about the chapter but I will say it.

This was a surprise post that came out of Amber machines of water for the kind of where where it started, and I did know she was posting it until after I read it online and suck you in the first half of the post and then and then I understood what was going and really I think defines our relationship and how we like to share in our okay with our nation. They meant that this chapter is an extended version of that little blog post and I had written after nine I worked through some pretty big hurdles and triggers are on marriage and so what I realized I was wallowing in a lot of my English early on because we were so triggered and and had such a difficult marriage for so long ways that I felt a lot of the time. Like maybe I had just married the wrong person can make a mistake here. Did he make a mistake, did I marry Mr. wrong and then the Lord began to show me that he had made Ms. all wrong and that's when things began to turn is when I acknowledged my own part in this battle that we were fighting against each other and sell.

I want to give hope and encouragement to couples who are in that place today. In their listening and going felt that I've wondered if I married the wrong person. Is this Mr. wrong is this Ms. all wrong and so what I discovered as I decided to lean into the Lord and say that I can't change guy. I've been trying and trying and trying and it has gotten me nowhere except in a place of sorrow and conflict and this is not life to the full that you said you came to give us life to the full and were not experiencing the Lord start with me. You got a just dialing with me and I realize that nobody was Kennedy Mr. Wright because we are fallen people right question for fallen people and you know he has his unique personality and issues.

I have my unique personality issues in our marriage is going to have its own unique personality and its own issues and so we needed to come together and work through them together, recognizing that I didn't marry the wrong person. He didn't marry the wrong person.

The moment we said, I do. We became a match made in heaven because we had made a valid commitment.

So if you are married and you've made those vows. You are a match made guy and he said it in your book is that our spouses were never meant to be our Savior. For the source of our happiness.

I'm guessing as well.

The reasons I love the chapter because our book vertical marriage.

It was that thing it's like everybody thinks he married the wrong person.

But we say you're looking in the wrong place right is your look into your spouse and you discovered it's about me changing me and find it there, which is a powerful way.

I thought the start the book as you go vertical.

You go take your eyes off of each other from the very beginning put them on him, put them on yourself and then say, okay, let's go on a journey and then trigger number two in her no way were to go through all 31 but this is a big one for us and I love it in. Based on the research. It's one of the ones that rises up from your couples is the house be in a mess.

How is that a trigger for people man so the river we talked about before you know it we got married late on I was just about your clean and tidy and so added that in the dirty house coming home from a busy day working in in my wrong perspective, thinking that my wife should have things nice. By the time I get home. Think really changed over really well I'll say every listener can agree when you have little kids, your house is always messy. There's paraphernalia about the health and well in my mind clutter. Tolerance is higher than my wife's clutter tolerance. I mean, I can look this uncomfortable yeah there's a little table right next to my chair in the in the dim tall signature and the table gets piled up with some books and some papers and there's some remote controls and some flash drive think I saw eight remote control so this is a bunch of stuff on that table.

I know where everything is. It's in arms reach. It's good. Marion will periodically look at the table treatment up.

Can we go straighten up. It'll just be muscular, we could get what I don't know about this is this stuff drives me crazy.

I'm that table in the trash that you understand that this is just not have expectations of yourself even when you have little kids and I think my house to see Toyama so I'm thinking teach our son. So I gave him this little apron thing like I'm in a clean house and teach it to put this little squirt bottle in animal testing clot and patting myself look at Bob's start. You ran everything all over the place he's creating more mass than a help. And you know why I totally gave up on that and this child is in amazing man but I'm telling you if he came in my house right now and he walked through it and I came home later I could tell he was there because every cabinets open, he doesn't see any of the mass to eat so you're the messier of the two well I think by virtue of the fact that I did a lot of the childrearing she's a mess.

Your really I would definitely say I felt powerless often as I wanted it to be.

So I'm triggered by my MS right in my and my kids math and then with him coming home and having that expectation was just a recipe for disaster that some people listing right now the go. I'm just I'm sorry but this is really a big deal to me to walk into a messy house is I cannot do it. I've got a have some help and the other spouse is going well. Then have the maid come at 330 because there's no way I can do all of this and give you your cleanup. How do these couples deal practically it's a real thing and so I had to again have a loving, honest conversation. If you are not willing to do these things I am I got where there were things I could've done practically to make it a little bit more appealing statically for him when he came in the door. Likewise, there were things that he could have done to adjust his expectation and also to chipping in certain ways and so we had that conversation. All right, practically what can be just like what's the biggest problem for you when you come home like I can't do all 10 things, but I can tackle a few of them at a time and so we had to strategize you know the shoes everywhere.

Okay, got a basket put it by the front door, put the she is innocent. We do have to get practical. Maybe we can hire somebody to come and help us with certain things. Maybe that investment is worth it if were able. I think that smart and when I look at people. I think what is the deeper issue for me cleanliness. There were some deeper issues of our views of a clean home. We have a friend where his wife just was a messy.

She had five boys their house. They had kids in and out all the time and her husband had these high expectations and I finally said to get someone to come to the house you have the money, just hunger, some because now I'm teaching her a lesson that kind of thing all the shift in perspective that I needed to make the two because I would leave from work you a 30 in the morning and be at work all day long. I'm getting to go step way to the coffee maker get coffee. I have great meetings at my office.

I'm going to lunch with friends but I come home and not understand what her world was the difficulty of taking care of the colicky acid reflux Chung never slapped Ursula she ever got sleep. I have she did get sleep because we we could cope dealt with those issues at nighttime in the will. But I would come home and not have the perspective of understanding what her world was like available. I'm guessing at your office. There was a cleaning crew regularly saw them what you just expected.

This is how the world should be. Things cleaned up overnight while I'm sleeping, barely hanging on. Ultimately we came to a place spiritually where we had to recognize that Jesus is model for as it says that he came to serve right and he came to start. He didn't come to gain his own glory or his own ambition.

He came to serve. So guy and I had to put on this attitude of we need to serve one another, just like Jesus did. Jesus served to the point of death on the cross for our sin. So is there some way that I can get over myself and think about how can I serve God because if we say we love our spouses but were not really willing to serve them than our definition of love is not, we talked about.

If you have these kinds of conversations as a couple you need to come spiritually prepared, humble, ready to deal with your own stuff. I think the other thing that so critical here is you guys came with an understanding you're not my enemy. We got an issue we can put the issue on the table. We can talk together about how do we resolve this issue without appeal. It's your fault know it's your fault. Now let's figure out what's the issue what's the best way to get there and were probably both going to have to adjust a little bit to get there.

This thing is Bob is that we love the Lord, you may not been able to tell that love the Lord and we knew that we wanted to be an example of him. We wanted to be a testimony of him to our children if we are constantly fighting each other.

We are powerless to fight the better five tried and so how can we be an impact in our neighborhood in her own home in our world. If we can even get our act together. It was sobering. When we realize that we were spending so much energy fighting each other. We can have any energy to find the better frightened that God called us to live in your life, even in this chapter as simple as it is, here's what you said instead of huffing and puffing as you walk into the room and see the clutter jump in with an attitude willing to serve whatever practical things that that I would do was on my way home from work I would call Amber and say check-in say how was the day what's going on so that smart. My underlying thought was one of my driveway I could give myself 30 minutes and I could have a perspective if the go look okay busy day but I know my wife has said to some doubted. Walking through that door and I get to be purposeful about caring for her for a few minutes and see what needs to be done jump in.

Do it and then my needs will get met in a little bit. If both couples came to each other and said what can I do for you right now just simple as that.

Both of us met each other at the door and said what can I do for you right now you know Jinks here at attitude shift that we have to make, but it's hard to know how to implement that attitude shift in the day-to-day moment I've seen definition of leadership being that a great leader walks up to the people he's leading every day. He or she says, how can I help you what you're saying, so let me ask you about another trigger and and that's what I've heard you mention as you talk with wives there often triggered by the possibility of their husband, especially in spiritual matters, why doesn't he do this, why doesn't he read the Bible to the kids. Why doesn't he lead us in prayer.

What Bob Loblaw yesterday and what ever she talks to why this is an issue that emerges often so Amber who dresses in the book. This is a big one for me.

I'll tell you of all the triggers I think this was the biggest disappointment for me early on is that I felt like we were going to be that family member has been set behind a white picket fence and he went to work in all I ever wanted to date was set at a tenured teaching career. I loved it when I had my first son is ready to come home in the Lord has obviously got me well involved in all kinds of things since then. He often adjusts our expectations that his ways are higher than ours and and that's a good thing with guy I just recognized that in spiritual leadership.

He was not meeting my expectation there either. And I thought we can come home from dinner and he can have a Bible lesson ready on. He's can ask me what my prayer requests I follow what he might have a praise report offer me are we dealing and I discovered that you know in talking with other families that this was an needs that a lot of women had their X taste. Does that man exist so world is ready you so I got a call thing and not a biblical certain surgical the word that I kinda made something in the church we think is a thing or it's the first and it's not just a church, a cool idea that has really become a yoke of slavery. A lot of, in particular, I think, and then on women in their expectations and so when I began to do was be on the lookout to recognize that guy. His walk is different from mine and sale of why am I putting him in a box of what I think that spiritual leadership should look like he was far better at connecting with our boys in different ways spiritually than I was. My strength was memorizing Bible verses. My strength was doing Bible study and so I got to the place where I let go my pressure of guy to be the Bible study leader and I let him organically breathe life into our children spiritually in his unique way and I was comfortable with okay if were going to memorize verses together that's gonna be my role, so I'm getting it's my strength I'm going to do the note the memorization songs in all his things with our kids, and that's okay and sipping bitter about it.

I got to the place where I embraced my spiritual strengths and I appreciated guy spiritual strengths which were different. They were wrong putting on a lens of seeing their strengths instead of your expectations of what you thought it would look like. I remember when one of our sons was probably 15 and he was listening to this CD and I'm priding myself like I'm so strong spiritually and I'm doing such a good job with our kids spiritually and I see this CD that our son is looking at.

I'm a verbal processor and so I look sick are you kidding me so I take it out of his CD player and I throw it in the trash Mike Casper that belongs and then I watch Dave comes over, pulls it out of the trashcan. I'm thinking why you doing egos sits down beside CJ Sissy tell me about this music that you like tell me all about it and here I was thinking in all righteous and this is the way to do it and thinking hockey something smarter.

I say this and I wonder you've ever heard this only know if it's true, but I was in seminary just to early in our marriage and in the discussion was on the Greek model of teaching in the Hebrew model Bob it was simply this Greek model is more like we do in school you sit down you teach a lesson three weeks will have a test on this memorize all Québec Hebrew's apprentice. Along the way by the waiver that first before along the way as Deuteronomy 6, you know, teacher children along the way. And so when I heard that, I thought that's who I am and so I think has to be that they are part of who you are as a person in your marriage and your parenting but I was at guys like to put the CD and say this is the music together. Here's the summer wired a little differently. Another great thing is that you're a team with different strengths and so what your method is. I'll be the one that does the Bible memory verses with great that your strength and guy is saying here's what I do I will have these conversations and I'm going to be the one in the moment to do that, that's tagteam.

That's why God gives kids to parents so that they can have the benefit of both of those you do it the other way like against your wiring, because we tried that and she's like a family altar.

I want to Sunday nights of my own. I got there and or throwing things at me as zero interest to lose it sheet for me because you I worked in the secular TV and film industry for 20 years before I met Amber so I worked to that environment where I had I had come to hide my face. I wasn't able to live it out loud.

Other than the example of who I was. How I did business and so I think that I I learned a way of showing my faith in that way and I kind of protected myself and for trip still in that position subways today, but Amber had a very different upbringing where her faith was lived out loud daily. Every week she'd stand up in front of her entire congregation and read these memorized verses you know, and it was a was a daily part of her life taught at a Christian school you talk to Ali so I also kinda came into this relationship, feeling a little less than because I do that she's basically like a passionate biblical scholar and I'm a quiet guy who loves the Lord, probably cradling insecurity yeah you actually did. And we didn't talk about it of course. And so it came out in her triggers by being not doing those things, until one day I got a text message from her because she had read an article from an article I just started thinking about the process of valuing your house and their unique qualities to have this text from her saying I value you as a spiritual leader in our family and I know it's different than what I would like but I really value what you bring to our kids.

It was just afraid of my spirit, and she is all for me to because I I no longer had this monkey on my back where I was like wanting him to change and beat is different than I could just like the Linux into enjoying and appreciating life. Here's what's so important about both of these issues we talked about because we talked about messy houses.

We talked about passive spiritual leadership.

What's important is to pull back and to go what's going on inside of me. Why do I have these expectations and I feel like my expectations are legitimate but are they really, I mean how legitimate are they really and other adjustments. I need to make whatever it is that's triggering you to have that perspective that says I may not be right here. I may have issues in my own life that need to be dealt with that.

Let's come together were not the enemy of love one another. Let's figure out how we can make the adjustments we need to make a live at peace with one another and help one another in the midst of this, that's at the heart of your book marriage triggers coaching us as couples to know how to respond when we are provoked because were all going to be provoked or making the book available this week to family life today. Listers those of you who are regular blisters. If you can help with the donation this week to support the ongoing work of this ministry to help continue this radio program on your local radio station or as a podcast. However, your listening however you receive it you make this program possible for yourself and others. Every time you make a donation and if you can make a donation today would love to send you guy on Amber Leo's book marriage triggers exchanging spouses angry reactions for example biblical responses.

That's what we want right.

We want to respond biblically. We want to respond gently and kindly to one another.

So how do we cultivate that in our marriage will send you a copy of guy on Amber's book marriage triggers when you make a donation today to support family life to go online at family life to. They.com or call one 800 FL today to make your donation and request your copy of the book and keep in mind your donations are really helping to build the marriages and families of so many people all around the world.

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Quick reminder if you are in a blended marriage or you know somebody in a stepfamily a week from Saturday is our blended and blessed one day virtual event. You can still sign up to take part in this event, either as a couple or if you want to get a group together and go through the material together all the details are available on our website@familylifeto.com. The blended and blessed one day event Saturday, April 24 all the information again is available online@familylifetoday.com sign up and join us for blended and blessed, not tomorrow or to continue to look at those things that can provoke us to irritation or anger in marriage. What we do if we just feel like our spouses, not loving us the way we ought to be loved.

Talk about that another marriage triggers with guy again tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that. I don't think our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with help today from Bruce Goff and of course our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson. I'm Bob Payne. See you back next time for another edition of family life, family life, to use a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow