The Aim of Our Legacy

Parenting is to be done on purpose. You should have a mission or goal in mind. They Wilson says you need to know what it is you're aiming for with your kids. You can launch your children.

They are meant to be sent out toward what it so that was a question we actually had to sit down and decide, okay, what is Arboles I went what target are we shooting for. This is family like today.

Our hosts are David and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine can find a some on the family life to.com. There's a word for parenting without a goal in mind without a purpose word is floundering to talk about how to not flounder as you raise your kids today stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us and a lot of people back. I don't know, 10, 15 years ago. Red was a business book that came out there was a big popular business book on the seven habits of highly effective people.

You remember that you want one of the principles in that book was that you got yeah with the end in mind, yeah, I know you were talking today about parenting and really when we think about parenting. That's a principal that ought to mark how we do what we do and think back to when we became parents. I think I had the next week in my next day the next hour yeah I did. I wasn't really thinking okay 20 years from now what do I want the outcome to be all that I didn't think I won't sleep for a lot of is just shady, absolutely because of just written a book called no perfect parent and you talk about in this book, the realization that you do need to begin the journey with some objectives some goals in mind and and Dave some of this came to you because you started off your parenting journey with a deficit to draw from from your own experience. You knew I want to make sure my kids have more in the tank when they get to adulthood that I had in my time. I don't know how often I thought about being a dad is a EM young man growing up, but obviously after in and I were married, and then realize we want to have kids and I knew that I had a chance to do some I never saw this dinner. I write about this story in the book of talking to a woman who is bushy had to be 60 may be closer to seven years old just this conversation. Her name was Denise and I asked her you tell me about your your family and she had this great has been airline pilot, you know. She said I we had for Jackson the Queen, which meant four sons and a daughter in you know they made money.

They lived in a gated community outside of New York as her husband flew out of Newark airport in any way.

It was your All-American family in this 50s really and some love in the story and then it turned, she says, and then around your 25 I started to suspect that my husband is now a captain with the airlines was having an affair how my what he means is this idea resist signs that he was seeing someone, and I knew it was on his trip so you know, back in those days there weren't cell phones and you couldn't call up a private so she just thought I would call the hotel where I know we stand where he lays over and see if I can find out anything in literally. She calls the front desk receptionist answers and all she said was has Capt. Ralph checked in yet because they all knew him as Capt. Ralph and this woman didn't realize she's talking to Capt. Rao's wife Denise and the lady at the desk you said oh yeah I just went to his room with his girlfriend and so Denise tells Macias I realized he have Connie.

He's having an affair, and I like to what happens.

He said when he came home from the trip. I confronted him to find out this was one of several, and he admitted it and the long version of the stories ended up divorced and you know Denise ends up moving to where her parents live in another state with her two little boys had a seven-year-old, a five-year-old and then she tells me when she got to the new state and started her new life as a single mom, the five-year-old dies of leukemia like two months later and by this point, I was cc tearing up and I'm tearing up and it's not just the said story. The reason I'm tearing up his Denise is my mom and I was the seven-year-old and craggy was the five-year-old my little brother Capt. Ralph was my dad. He's really Dave Wilson but is its Ralph David Wilson. So with the airlines he went by Capt. Ralph and that's my legacy so he does I become a dad.

I have the opportunity to continue that which honestly many do you know whatever your sorta handed you unless you intentionally decide if it's a great legacy.

You still have to decide to continue this, but if it's a legacy like mine of alcohol there. My both her parents were alcoholics. My dad wits was having multiple affairs. If I don't decide I'm probably going to continue the sins of the father, but I knew that I get to change the Wilson legacy. I you know was like on my knees God. Could you use and and I to create a different path that our three sons would be raised by a dad who broke the cycle talk to me about that sense of intentionality as a parent and aiming for a different legacy because I think that's the exception and not the rule. Most moms and dads that I'm thinking of Marianne and me. I think when we got married. I knew there were certain things I didn't want to replicate as a parent I didn't want to replicate certain things in my marriage so I knew a few things not to do. I don't think I knew what to do and I don't think I was going back and thinking now here's what I want the outcome to be.

I think I was thinking real short term I think most people are thinking short term and just thinking you will will bump along. I hope it all works out. Where did you get a vision for intentionality in terms of parenting and a legacy.

Do you remember where that came from. I think he and I would have the same answer, but it initially all I knew was what you just said it was like okay I don't want to do it.

My dad did so here some simple things no alcohol in the home so wouldn't have uncle anywhere in our house. You can find a bottle of whiskey or gin or beer, it would just not there because is like I have two alcoholic parents.

I gotta be very careful. I don't want to pass that on. Put extreme barriers around women you know in any relationships and just boundaries and so that was the in some sense the easy short-term right, but it wasn't until CJ's for five years old. I think you know now we have pry number two there. We sort a step back and said okay what is the long-term vision.

What are we hoping to raise when their 25, 30 years old.

What kind of men are we envisioning they become and to be honest, I have great parents who are married 70 years. But what I didn't have even I had this great family. There is no spiritual component and so neither one of us had any idea of what it look like to raise a family centered on Christ for the foundation of the gospel is what were aiming for and we had never even seen Intel Dennis and Barbara Rainey family life was was critical in our lives.

From the very beginning with a vision for what a godly marriage look like with the we can remember and all the resources in our early years of marriage and then first time we heard the word legacy yeah I mean literally the last talk. As we all know even speaking at the we can remember. For 30 years as a talk on legacy and sitting there as an engaged couple hearing that talk from Dennis in Chicago two weeks before our wedding. It was one of the first times we saw it we can change the legacy again. Can't do it perfectly when I don't, we can't control it, but we can set a goal to say we want to change. I knew for me legacy was like a visceral word.

It had a motion.

It's like I get the opportunity to possibly when you hear the Wilson name. It's not connected to adultery is not connected alcohol it's connected to Jesus in a new way forward. Again, never was a thought perfect you know like right where you do it perfectly. Our kids gotta be perfect.

But even in the in the subtitle of our book. It was, you know, perfect parents, ditch expectations, so it's like you know the expectations you have allowed you to go just as I convinced him that I gotta go that way. The second phrase was embrace reality because this can be really hard and you get a embrace it. But then the third one was and discover the secret that will change your parenting and of course when you hear the word cigarette like okay with the secret days marketing strategy that we have the same subtitle for vertical marriage in the Vert you know the secret vertical merger you go vertical with the same thing parenting but it's the secret is and I don't know if you found this as well Bob, but when you ask most parents and I think it's most if maybe 75% parents what you trying to raise most parents have never answered that question. Well, I can think you're right.

I talked to enough parents that they will say the goal I'm looking for is I want my kids to be forcing happy happy.

I want them to get a good job. I want them to find a good spouse and and get married and have a happy marriage and family if they can be successful, happy, and in marriage and and and in their jobs then touch them. I want right. That's the score and what you think of that when you hear it, so I think those are all good things, and I certainly want those things for my kids as well, but I remember Tim Kimball being on family life to read written a book called grace based parenting and he said most parents on a practical level. That's what they're emphasizing as they raise their kids so they're worried about their academics because they want them to get a good job they're worried about that their socialization how their fit in with other kids so that they can be happy and so they can have good relationships and find a good husband.

He said, but they're not spending equal amounts of time thinking about how their kids are developing spiritually again or what the spiritual goals are what you Jesus says seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you.

And that's that's what you're saying in this book. When you think about legacy is.

Let's make sure were proper in the latter against the right wall before we start to climb a ladder, yet we call the bull's-eye in the book, or a target.

Like what you aiming for a stall that artist apparently stolen from this training and I pay and really the same passage that is mentioned in the art of parenting is the passage. Psalm 127 was says, unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Children are a heritage, a gift from the Lord's offspring are a reward from him and then he writes like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so there is that the visual of your shooting at something here arrows in the hands of warrior children in one's youth or in one's youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. So obviously he's alluding at your can launch your children. By the way parents are going to launch them.

Don't hold them there forever.

They are meant to be sent out toward what it so that was a question we actually had to sit down and decide, okay, what is our bull's-eye went what target are we shooting for even verse one. The Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain reading the first time thinking lease building my house and I say that it's Jesus. But how is that how you can see I think that's a difference between the way you guys tackle this in the way. Marianne and I tackled this and I think the way a lot of Christian parents tackle this I thought will get the words building our house were Christians.

So we love Jesus we came from churchgoing, but not a Christ centered home so were to have Jesus at the center of our home. So Jesus is building our house so the legacy will take care of itself. I have a hope for a godly legacy but I don't know that I had the level of intentionality. Here's what I didn't have that you guys had I didn't have a mission statement for our family.

I didn't have the intentional goals of saying to get the legacy that we want. These are the inputs that need to be happening during those years. I just thought that'll take care of itself. If we go to church and love Jesus and and do all of that and I would say to parents today know it needs to go a little deeper. You need to be a little more purposeful and intentional, and honestly, that's something I came to realize as I'm hosting family life to talking to all of the guests and taking notes and going.

I need to go home do that differently money to yeah that's a good adjustment on the mentoring process exactly what it was and I loved. I remember someone saying if you aim at nothing you hit it right and I think that's what we do is parents we get caught up in the day-to-day demands of life are not really aiming at anything in so why are we surprised at the outcome isn't the biblical outcome that we are hoping.

I mention the mission statement you guys actually have a family mission statement right again. We called it sort of our target are bull's-eye and we don't want to do it.

Yet we don't sit here and act like always he recited it every night.

They put on their halo and had the Wilson little mission statement moment and I didn't talk about it daily. I look back I wish we would've but it it was some way sort crafted. We knew it was our kids didn't and I don't think for parents, your kids need to know, even if they do, they might feel pressure.

Oh, this is what they're trying to but as a parent, you really do need to know what are we shooting at, because if it is I want my kid to be the most popular or happy or successful. There's nothing wrong with those goals.

But in my opinion, they're not high enough to clear that's a lobar, you know, it's like, really, how do you define success in popularity and even as our kids get into high school.

He thought enough in the most popular is not a good goal is actually not a goal you want. So when they were really little and we put in the book and not in a way to say this should be your mission statement we just said here was ours. It's an example with the look easy to sit down in the Joneses need to sit down and say what would it look like for us as parents to say this is what were shooting at. So before you tell us your mission statement. What was the process by which you came up with that statement did they come home one day and seven working on it. What you think or did the two of you work on it together what we talked about it, but Dave's processing and writing where I don't do that.

It probably became down tonight.

We probably had to give a talk somewhere I can tell you exactly in my mind what happened okay I'm a young dad I don't know what I'm doing right and so I do I go find dad's in my church and I buy them lunch and then tell you there's not many dental say no to free lunch and I'm erect and I had a little newspaper and a pencil or a pen and I picked dad that I saw their teenage kids are older that I was like why didn't I mean this is long time ago but a member man. If our kids were living like that in high school and college and again they were perfect kids but they had only cleaning they had a real faith for God.

They we had integrity, they were making really good choices. They cared about others. I mean, again, they were perfect, but there was there something right happening the right track for living on purpose, and I I met with the dads and I just took notes access to do what you do you do and I kept hearing from these dads that they had a goal this wasn't this and just happened it was intentional. Another thing I heard a lot of his. We prayed every day. I heard that over and over like we never stop praying for these young men and women in a way so that was like doing research in building some things and so that's when I would come to hands a man, these families that are raising kids that we hope someday our kids will be at the time I thought our kids will never be anything like that, you were missed.not get a pass on that family. Yeah so anyway and then it over time as we talk. It was like, let's write something down and you don't like any mission statement for a business or a church or at corporation. Every word matters you know and you take your time to say not that word. This word, it simply became.

And it doesn't sound profound, but was train and launch L3 warriors who make a dent where there sent L3 again.

It's a personal thing so you like what is that even mean and so in the book we ox X to go through K. What does training look like and what does launch a course launch comes from Psalm 127, you're going to launch these arrows warriors was a keyword because it isn't like were just raisin kids there actually kingdom of God.

Warriors there in a war.

There's a battle going on at 70, never will forget parent.

It's not about their personality. Like all their strong it's their battle and so in a battle we want to have lawyers and again, it isn't like we raise these incredible you know men who are where in the breast plate of righteousness around but there was a sense that this is epic Dale this is better than gladiator. This is real and in the L3 was actually something that we had crafted at our church as a staff and her leadership team years before the say okay what are we trying to raise as Disciples of Christ at Kensington and again a lot of meetings and discussions about what the end of the day.

If you look at what Jesus said a disciple was its her had these three values and we called L3 Lovelock live so love was love God and others in the great Commandment Matthew 22 were Jesus said in a rabbi with the most important that you love guv though your heart, soul, mind and love your neighbor as yourself. So that was our first L if our sons in winter 2530 35 years old. Love God with all their hearts were mine and they actually have a heart for their neighbor and others. That's a good thing right yet. I would be like all that's it. That's a worthy goal lock was locked arms and that's the whole idea that God made us not to do life alone but in community. Hebrews 10 don't forsake that the meeting together in community fellowship, and so we thought Matt.

They understand is men they need other men in their life to sharpen them and keep them accountable to their walk with God the ex-husbands is dead. The third doing life with other followers of Christ men that's a good thing you know than the last one was to simply live open Hannah Lisa Lovelock live live open handedly was that if our young men when they become men realize their time, talent and treasure are a gift from God, not just for themselves but to give away.

You know, we can live with your fist close holding on to everything or you can live open handedly, which is mean man I'm supposed to serve others with my time serve God with my time is supposed to give my money away and I'm supposed to give my my talents to the kingdom of God. Again, there's so many other things you can think about what we just thought those three soda L Lovelock live capture, then a man.

If we look at our kids in their 20s and 30s, and they were live in that and hopefully passing that on to their kids or grandkids that would be a dream and indent where there sent you and in a dent where the said family life. Listeners of heard me say this many times. That is simply the idea of your on mission and God wants to use you where he's put you and it's really from Jesus words you are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. And so it's wherever you are is where your scent.

So if our sons knew when their 20 again, 30, 35 years old that God has placed them in this business in this neighborhood is sure to make a difference for the kingdom of God because you are in a war in your warrior again.

I'm saying all this thinking. Did that actually happen that they wake up every day thinking that I doubted. But there is a sense that God is honored that you know it gives you something to shoot at and then you can work toward that goal. And that's the point I'm in the title the book no perfect parents tells us that even when you got a goal like this. You're not can execute flawlessly. If there's no guarantee that if you will do this, your kids will write will grab onto it.

There's no running light rebel military flight but to have a Northstar as parents to say here's what we want to be intentional about that shapes the daily decisions you make as a parent to say does this align with the mission that were on and will this produce the legacy that were aiming for that again that's in God's hands. We talked already about expectations and surrender big theme in your book you can't force it to happen right but you can be intentional about aiming in that direction and asking God for favor. I do like the cover of our book is the publisher they were sending us ideas so you have a target with arrows. The bull's-eye bull's-eye in there's two arrows that are in the bull's-eye and then there's about 10 that are laying on the ground.

I like that because I thought yes sometimes you do hit the mark and sometimes you don't. That's where were not perfect but God is perfect and say if you're aiming at God. If you're going vertical. Even as a couple, or even if you're a single parent, or even if you're not blended seeming to stop talking about it is a great step forward.

Once you know what the bull's-eye is that you're aiming it then you can's develop a strategy which is rest of the book is like okay what you know you're a minute yes to back. So how would we get there. Every teacher says that every corporation does that most families never do. That is why is so critical to say. There's a secret that you got understand and it's this and I you know we talk about legacy earlier on their forget when I turned 50 I told Dan before that birthday because she had thrown a surprise 40th birthday to Mike.

Please. I'm struggling with turning 50. An old man now do anything outside outside young. Now that I was like, please don't throw a party. You know, I just want to slip into the 50s and nobody will know and she's like okay I won't and so she was so good she didn't throw party and I turned 50 and nobody even knew about a month later, I'm sitting at home on Tuesday night and one of the short line players that I had mentored and was still in our ministry causing goes hey yeah I've been trying to get you in Hanover here.

Rebecca and I are really struggling and you never have time. But I'm telling you tonight were about to get a divorce. Is there anyway it's an emergency.

Can you get over here right now my my calendar on Mike and Luther just called Henry Becker struggling can we go over there she was well right now. Mike yeah okay we jump the car.

We rush over there we get the front door. No way. Sarah Mike units open to my good therefore I you think is where the basement get down there so I go walking on the base, not a worry in his he's behind me.

Somewhere I step in the basement surprise.

I am so mad the whole basement is full of all the people and Ed and Anna got in there, you know, six weeks, a month after my thing I forgot all about it was only men behaving from other birthday day and says you know honey, I had these guys come in they I instructed them to bring a gag gift and attribute a little bit of a roast and I'm out to you later, she goes upstairs and is just us guys in there several Detroit Lions learned it was Solaris.

You know the first guy, John get another forgetting is I brought up I brought a money chain. Mike what he because you are so tight with their money.

It takes the jaws of life to open your wallet. So this way you'll never lose your wallet or be connected via a figment and then they would share it impacted and it was powerful. You know, and it was like unbelievable. It really was. This went on for over an hour and then at the very end and walks back down the stairs and she says hey I need to read you three letters from your three sons who couldn't be here to them were in college at the time like okay because they wanted to be here, but they couldn't but they wrote you this so she reads a letter from CJ and Austin and Cody who are now men and so interesting that I as I'm reading it, I happened to look over at Dave who is not a big crier.

He doesn't he doesn't cry very often except in the least. So this but this is real life and I look over and he's crying so hard not just suck the tears like really really cry was I was sobbing.

It was so emotional.

I mean it was great. The men that God is give me a chance to impact, but my three sons. When she read those letters.

I think it hit me so hard. It was like legacy and I'm hearing from three warriors and against or not perfect sons. At this point is that none of us are, but it was so powerful to hear their words of Mike God did and how gods change the Wilson name and I got it she had just a glimpse of all those prayers in the in the goal you set the bull's-eye and then working toward that disc out of just about the fragrance of God has done that in going to continue to do that, but it was I would say maybe the best night of my life.

You know, because it was like what you live for is God I want to leave a legacy that honors you and again we are not center kids are perfect and no kids will be ever.

But they that I got a chance to see that God is good and he can he can do things you can't even imagine with your with your legacy. I'm thinking every list.

Her nose somebody who is pregnant for the first time right now. What a gift you could give them. If you could help them at the front of their journey to think intentionally to have a legacy focus to give up expectations to surrender like we talked about but to have that goal in mind and decide this is what you're aiming for and start that from day one. They could get a copy of your book and pass it on to our parents that they know need this kind of focus need this kind help go to family life to.com and preorder Dave and Wilson's book no perfect parents comes out next week. Gordon sign up to get your copy now again you can preorder it.

Family life to.com or you can call to order one 800, FL, today is our number 1-800-358-6329 2000 F as in family L as in life than the word today. The title of the book. Again, no perfect parents by Damon M.

Wilson.

The subtitle is ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting tomorrow. We want to talk about something that and you experienced a lot of when you were raising your kids and that's the whole subject of mom guilt. What you do with that. How do you process that talking about parenting this week with Damon and Wilson will continue the conversation tomorrow. I hope you can join us again think our engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help today from Bruce Goff course our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson Bob Lapine will see you better next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow