Surrendering to God’s Plan For My Kids

Dave and Ann Wilson remember becoming parents for the first time their parenting journey got off to an unexpected and challenging start finding a doctor came in. He said this was a really traumatic birth was really fast for afraid your baby has a skull fracture and I mean that room all by myself and I said, what's happening right now.

Where are you this is what we hoped it would look like this is what we had expected any time I felt like I was asking me can you surrender this child to me hard thing to do.

This is family life today hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine.

You can find a someone of family life today.com a big part of parenting is recognizing that your kids don't long do you belong to God's will. The right first step is to surrender your kids to God. More about that today with David and Wilson stay with us and welcome to family life today.

Thanks for joining us. I've had people over the years who have told me they think it's really smart if you write a book on parenting wait until your kids are grown 50 years of thinking my kids are grown they're all married. I'm still not sure really to write that book on parenting either, but you just did all this is 34 figure okay long enough, you guys have just finished a book called no perfect parent that was mostly about in the perfect pair if you say amen to that you are really looking back on your parenting years.

Lots of lessons learned, that you're just thinking I wish somebody told us these things when we were starting the journey right and I think that I'm not sure that I could have heard it and put it into action.

But I do wish that I would have a mentor.

I think I had that time to time I needed somebody continuing to be pouring into me see I was a camp counselor for six summers clearing expert. That's what I thought I thought I could be apparent.

I was a camp counselor for six summers and what else is there a bit harder than you take the kids down to the creek play around for about an hour back to the camp of those naptime. I mean I've done this.

It's simple and so I really do think I went into parenting with the idea that that's what you do, you just show your kids a good time and you you you have fun. I don't think I had much of a vision for what I was supposed to be as a dad or what parenting was supposed to look like other than keep them safe and go under 21 and make sure that they're in decent shape. Not as bad as my goal. I was like my kids happy, popular and athletic because that's what my parents were like writing up.

That's Anne's perspective and I was scared to death because I don't remember ever being around my dad so I really didn't know what parenting look like I my mom was great, love me, but when we brought our first son home I was. I was really scared.

I was like I need this book was that book you know like what we just wrote I'd ever one time before we had kids. We are at Ian's family. They have all these yet to brother sister kids all around surround grandson.

My guess is, and that my nephews and I member picking up Jim's boy Ted and you know I was watching her brother yes from up in the air like that's what dad still, I never done the smile I take Ted. I throw them up and hit dove into the ceiling like you do like, get me out here. I don't know how to do this in the to be like woo hoo are you and that's what I can't live enzymes are better because for both the youngest and I babysat a little bit, but I never really liked it and so when we have this child coming to our house were like we do with this child I had a misplaced confidence and I think I thought how hard can this be parents of in raising kids for years. I'm a smart guy, this can't be that hard. And yet I had no idea how profound this was. I think a lot of parents look at this ago, I could really mess this up and they get a little freaked out. In fact, one of the things you guys talk about you. You really start this book with a look at the expectations we bring into parenting but take us back what you'd been married how long before you product report 5 1/2 years and we were planning everything. We were on staff with crew we had finished seminary. We had been married long enough so were thinking okay already. You had kinda held off for a little while to have smears together, get these things out of the way before we have Kind of any keeper and so I'm thinking okay you know I'm pregnant, I'm can I make sure that I do all the right things.

So my first thought was, well, what should I do, I should learn from other women so I got myself into this small group leader selling seminary and I was newly pregnant and I thought came to go to this Bible study for months and I will learn from these moms what it's like. So I remember this morning because I was nervous never been to a mom's Bible study I dressed in this really cute outfit because I wanted to impress them.

I wasn't really showing yet and I was showing my walking to the door of this Bible study and it was like world war two had gone off in the room.

There were diapers in Sweeney's and bassinet screening, screen, and I look over and his mom. I'm thinking she just shirt from the here for like three months and not kidding. She smells because she has rolling down her shoulder and that she has a cheerio stop in her so happy all the mom I might not see the chaos that's going on.

I was so prideful and I was thinking. I have never so it didn't freak you out like oh this is what's ahead for me. It was like no I won't allow bills like these girls need to get their pride, where's your pride and so yeah I walked in there and I did learn that I have that pridefulness thinking this will ever happen to me and all of it happened with every one of those women in that room. I remember being in restaurants where kids were asleep so you just thinking can you not control you kid you not get them just act normal right and then you take your kids up to restaurants. Years later, and it's like no you can't control them, and that dad I don't know how to be great parents until we have kids. Did you guys intentionally start your family did you say that your five okay, now's the time.

Let's do this. Let's have kids. We actually did that. We are very fortunate to say that you know around year six. Let's try and get pregnant. And, fortunately, and I noticed in heaven for everybody. So we're very thankful to God, but we got pregnant and we honestly did think okay we got this marriage thing figured out now are ready and then we had kids were like wow you're never ready to know not only do not have parenting figured out, but now you realize you don't have marriage like we are married really isn't that great, because now we have this added stress to our marriage did you have the mommy longing during that five-year period before you became pregnant or were you content to just tie with content and fearful because I'm the youngest of four and I all of my siblings.

It had kids and I think I was afraid of who I would become and who was II knew I was as a single woman and then I knew who I was as a married woman who would I be now is a mom and I think is a little afraid of losing who I was for you, ready to be a dad. I don't mean ready like prepared.

I mean, were you okay this is the time and this is what I want.

So let's have kids. Yeah, I was very excited. I made it wasn't like I got married and they want is like I can't wait to have kids but by years five and six.

It was like we want this we get a chance to leave a legacy and that yeah we were super excited. We prayed for you know years and then we got pregnant and I really couldn't wait and was your pregnancy glorious or challenging or what were good nine months with CJ like bad back then to us really into fitness time I go I will be strong and stand in it so funny all the things that were so important to me now that I look back and think really matter that much. But that's what I was at the time, but he was born three weeks early and that did surprise us then so tell me about when you went into labor, maybe Dave should share this part was that because he was obviously sleeping hard when it 37 weeks. I'm trying to wake him up and I told him my water broke my like were having this baby today tonight yeah I mean it was Bob. It was a crazy night. You know, obviously we knew that for you have a baby in the next month. We did not know if that CJ was going to come early and get on the Detroit Lions chaplain my first year when her first year end of our first sailor only 28 yes 28 years old and again you know I don't have a lot of dreams and I'm in I'm in dreamland and I can remember it's vivid, you know, we open the no perfect parents book with his dream, but I and this is a preface, David always come home as the chaplain he would warm up the receivers on game day and so often these receivers would be like to okay you don't. So I told her his eyes into the dreams on the night that your wife goes into labor you're in the middle of a dream culture. It's two or three in the morning. I guess and it's Monday night football right in the Silverdome your dream yeah and the Lions are plan the bears on roofing.

Remember history with the Bears a just one Super Bowl year before Jim to command drivable shelf all right and some were planned on Monday night.

We have two quarterbacks on our roster. Chuck Long and Joe Ferguson and I'm on the sideline like I always am of the chaplain right and that's 80,080 5000 people there. It's Monday night football. It's everything you can imagine, and somewhere in the first or second quarter. Our starting quarterback it's a concussion and they take him to the locker room. Joe Ferguson goes in next play. This kind of detailed dream that I never have dreams like this, but this is I can still see it.

So Joe gets sacked and hurt on the next play.

They take them off, literally and on her dear Rogers I coach I could see the dream he's like looking up and down the silent we don't have 1/13 quarterback on our roster.

It also I hear Wilson, yelled out into the bench and I looked down I grew since the head coach.

I know what he goes there soon what you're going to go to the letter they call TV timeout is all the dream I get in the uniforms of homologue and come running out its third and 10 because we've had no completions and I member I can. I can see walking from the huddle of get on the center yet and we have up a bomb called the Jeff Chadwick are outside receiver and drop back in. I can see him and he's behind and I like it so I step up and actually Richard thence coming in. He was All-Pro and I became is that I step over and slow Mo I just let this baby go to me. I can see the ball spinning perfect tight spiral. Let's you know it's a dream of his ball going up and you could see 85,000 people stand up because they can see he's the guy the balls perfect world the text of this kid is that he's got a good right it's of the balls, literally. He's it's coming down into his pinkies in her outstretched arms. He's at the 5 yard line looking over the balls going down again.

Of course it's in slow Mo it it's just about the landed his fingers and is going to score like an inch from his fingers when I hear my water just broke. That's really what happened and I like I'm asleep and I hear this and I'm like I can hear like in the distance a whole lot of fun. I we know what I've heard, but I like I cannot string can in Internet she's shaking me now and she said Dave I want to just broke and I never think it why doesn't break. It drips and flows it spill your water. And then of course I'm having the fast no work were anxious were driving to the hospital and he tell me all the details of his address so we can expect my labor to begin right and that was just the beginning expectation.

You got to the hospital and they said okay you're in your be here for a while. The nurse comes in cheek, and she looks at me and she checks me because oh honey or can it be here at least 24 hours and it's four in the morning and there's no doctor. They don't need a doctor yet so days like I'm going down the hall. He takes his sports illustrated with him to go to the bathroom. I'm thinking of you like that. So in this room all by myself and hooked up to a fetal monitor and all the sudden I'm watching you all you can hear the babies harping on the fetal monitor and you can see the tape of paper coming out and start getting these hard contractions and every time I had a contraction I can see the heart rate dip and hear the heart rate get much quieter and softer and it's starting to scare me and maybe 15 units go by.

This is my first baby. I don't know what to expect and suddenly I'm thinking I'm going to have this baby now and so I rang for the nurse. She comes in and you know she's like okay this dramatic are all first-time yeah and I said hey I have to think questions one seems like this fetal monitor that the heart rate is alarming and not really scaring me and the other thing is, and as I'm saying this I had another heart contraction.

I like the babies coming out and she rolls her eyes and she says oh, honey here, just a first timer. It's not can be for a while but she watches she's looking at that tape and fetal monitor and I can see that. Oh she's a little alarmed, I can tell by her face.

She checks me and she said she doesn't get there. We she says the babies coming out and so she runs back. She said I have to call the doctor and called the doctor.

I need a room by myself and she says she could tease her and she says don't push okay. I know how to not push, and I yell for Dave to hear from you bathroom it sounds hysterical. My name all I better close of the Sports Illustrated and I ran down the hall and she's just about the dearly out of the room. Baby smooth now.

It didn't because there's another expectation I thought all you know we love Jesus we been praying and now it didn't go smooth. It was a complicated delivery and his court was around his neck and so they whisked him away.

He was in NICU weeding and holding her see him.

The doctor came in and he said this was a long time. It felt like didn't like 20 minutes half hour. I don't know in our time.

If anybody parent has been there when you don't know what's going on.

It's so scary, and our outcome was good and I know a lot of people have had fairly hard outcomes in the news hasn't been what they had hoped for, but in that time. Finally, the doctor came in. He said this was a really traumatic birth was really fast for afraid your baby has a skull fracture which even hearing you call fracture. What is that mean he said we need to check his heart and his head so days like I'm find out what's going on because the doctor left and I'm in that room all by myself and I think every parent has come to this point where I said what's happening right now. Where are you this isn't what we hoped it would look like this is what we had expected and in time I have felt this often in my life I felt like I was asking me can you surrender your baby this child to me and hard thing to do because even though I hadn't even met this baby face to face this loving connection that I thought now I'm not surrender him. This is our baby and I felt already that protective mother's heart and I wrestled with that with God and finally I was. I said take what else can I do like to get into you and that was a hard beginning. No member talking about it at that moment, but we both have the same sense I think every parent feels hopeful is like this isn't really ours.

This is God's. He's a gift to us.

We get to be stewards and hopefully raise this young man or woman to know the creator who made them.

But it's a moment of surrender and the multiple youth around her multiple times does it ever end. But that night again.

You think you have expectations is going to go well. There is be easy and from the very first second I was like oh my goodness it is out of control. You know, and then you have to go okay got on going to trust you and it was not easy not. It was the beginning, having had times that you had to surrender your kids.

We all have times where we we recognize this is out of my control. When our oldest after college said I want to go to Asia and I want to do ministry in Asia and the country she was going into was a country that can be hostile toward Christianity that I remember when she got her assignment, the city she would be a sheep sent me a text and she said that we just found out what city quarterly going to the other teacher and I and job sub as far as we know were the only two questions in this city of 250,000 people, and I remember thinking this is not the dream I have for you that your age to be going in to this city where it could be hostile could be oppressive and it just so happened that I was I was watching a movie. Not long after this about the Civil War and there's a scene with Stonewall Jackson in the movie Gen. Stonewall Jackson and one of his lieutenants asked him about his legendary composure on the battlefield general Jackson. How can you maintain your composure on the battlefield when their bullets was in body and you could be shot in an instant and Stonewall Jackson apparently historically said this, he said, my theology teaches me that I am as safe in my bed as I am on the battlefield. If I am in the will of God. And I remember hearing that line of thinking. My daughter is as safe in another country, as she is in Little Rock. If she's immobile of God harm can come to your child here harm can come to your child somewhere else if they're in the will of God. That's the safest place they can be.

But as a parent we feel that the ownership the responsibility it's my job to keep you safe.

Especially as a father I would think that daughter and it's my job to make sure that life goes well for you and it's my job.

I have these expectations for how life supposed to go and my identity is now wrapped up in those expectations.

If it does not go well for you that reflects on me of the job that I've done I mean you have here from the very first moments of life with your son.

A reminder from God that this is not completely under control and that you do have to surrender this child to him and you would think evidently I didn't quite get it because our second child was 6 1/2 weeks early and he was in NICU. Our third son.

I went into labor at 21 weeks, and then I would on address the whole pregnancy.

He was another three weeks early, I thought. Finally I held this baby after he was born the first one but then I go back to my room is a cleanup in that same NICU doctor walks in the room and I say no I do not want to see. Now I knew him really well with three kids, and he said your son stopped breathing and I remember praying with that last baby like I not get it.

I can do I have to do this every time and it's so funny because I've probably surrendered my kids thousands of times since then and I think that's a good practice to get into his parents not only for our kids in our own lives. All the situations that were going through because we can't control and talk to us about having expectations having plans on me and I think at some level we ought to have expectations, we ought to have a plan for what to do with our kids. How do we balance this desire to want to be the best parents we can be want the best outcome for our kids with the fact that it's not entirely up to us how we deal with that.

Yeah I think it's extremely difficult because in one sense it's one thing to surrender our own lives. And of course we want to do that but to surrender your son or daughter's life is harder.

I really think it's harder because I want more for them than I even do myself. Yeah, I really do. And so when I don't see things going the way I hope they would. Whether it's out of my control or their making decisions. Whatever you want to step in and control anyone you want to maneuver things to get the expectation and the desire you always had to happen in, you can't do it.

It doesn't work. It actually pushes your children sometimes away and again I can set a thousand times. Probably 100 times a day you're like okay God I got a hand CJ Austin and Cody back to you. It's like Abraham and Isaac Yearling minimum them on the altar and send a reminder years and I can trust you. But that is the hardest. I think the hardest thing to do as a parent I think to it surrendering your expectations because I think we had this dream of what it will be like what our kids will be like, and so I think to partner with God, and to say God, what are your expectations yes that's different from my dream of what might child will accomplish or what there be like because really the more were in tune with our heavenly father who created them in his image to me. Now it becomes this relationship of me partnering with God and finding out who he created them to be, not me managing them into my own picture of who I is you think about it, you know, from that that night was CJ in the hospital as a newborn Catholic go, and then use the Dragon were all older parents were grandparents we can think of all the moments you know and they went to school for the first time he got Aiko's scary loving you can fast-forward through. I can never stand and looking out the front window of our house.

When CJ then Austin, then Cody drove out the driveway and a car at 16 or like you're scared to death.

Oh my goodness right walking down the aisle taken the college, you name it. Being in the hospital when they had their own kids. It's like every every year there's a chance every day to say not control you are gotta trust my kids to you so interesting to because I'm recalling when our son had our first grandchild. He and his wife. We are so excited when they told us and they they shared it with this and this really created exciting way.

And then, even as a grandparent you have expectations of this can be amazing.

And now you feel even more connected because now this is your child's heart and his wife's heart and so when Austin Kendall lost that first baby. I was crushed myself. But even more crushed to watch their pain and it happened again and it happened again three miscarriages right and so to watch them hand God, their hearts and their hurts and their hopes. I wanted to protect them.

I know Dave you really wanted to swoop in and protect them to watch God to heavenly father.

Love take care of and soothe their broken hearts. That was really something. At the end of the day. I just said this you know the title of the book really comes from that that perspective, there's no perfect parents. There's no perfect kids, there's no perfect parenting process and there's only one in his name is Jesus. He is the creator who you can trust in the middle of this imperfect parenting journey the world there is one I me we were going to call the book vertical parenting because it's really his idea of you've got to hand your kids vertically to Christ.

You gotta find life in heaven, and lead your kids and find that way but it ended up in no perfect parents because there is one perfect parent rights and his name is Jesus. I think this idea of surrender having expectations, but surrendering God. These are your kids there in your hands. You do have a responsibility as parents to shape them to mold and to protect and keep safe and all of those things those belong to us. But at the end of the day. These are God's children and you captured this beautifully. I really hope our listeners will get a copy of your book. No perfect parent were taking preorders, it releases next week you can go to our website. Family life today.com to order your copy of no perfect parents by David M. Wilson. The subtitles ditch expectations embrace reality and discover the one secret that will change your parenting and go to family life today.com for more information about David and Wilson's new book, no perfect parents preorder from us online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to order your copy number is one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, I'm in the word today, we just say if you've not gotten together with other parents and gone through family life's art of parenting video series. You guys need to do that because Dave and Amara part of the series. There were others who contributed to the series.

It's good, solid, practical counsel on what the core focus of our parenting ought to be the art of parenting video series is available from us. Your family life. Get more information. When you go to our website. Family life today.com or ordered from us by calling one 800 FL today and plan to get together with the group of parents who get kids the same age as yours really that the group experience is a big part of the value of going through the art of parenting content so I can find out more when you go to our website. Family life today.com not tomorrow.

We want to talk about how critical it is for us to have the right goal in mind that the right mission as were seeking to raise our kids talking about parenting this week with David and Wilson will continue the conversation tomorrow. Hope you're able to join us think our engineer today. Keith Lynch got some extra help today from Bruce Goff course our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson and Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. The crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow