The Seven-Ring Circus

I don't know if you thought about this but you're to be married to somebody different. 10 years from now. The person you're married to today. I mean, they may have the same name. 10 years from now the same drivers license but as Jackie Bledsoe points up to be a different person. Stefan is not the same person that I made in 2000 1/2. Definitely not the same person and we try to figure out how to we continue to learn.

That was the habit that we can do to continue to figure out so we don't drift apart that you know we just we can grow apart. I don't really know him. I don't really know her. This is family like today.

Our hosts are Damon and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine you can find us online@familylifetoday.com so if you're to be different. 10 years from now and your spouse is gonna be different. 10 years from now how can you make sure you're growing together in that process that you are still one rental explore that today with Jackie and Savannah Bledsoe stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us.

I think all of us can kind of look at arm marriages in stages or phases.

Don't you think absolutely everybody kind of travel will travel the same journey usually start out in an infatuation stage right and there is kind of a reality phase we talk about this at the weekend rain married right away. There is that euphoria then there's were getting married and then there's always different than I thought it was going to be another. Oh you're disappointing me and I mean we all kinda move in and out of those phases and have to figure out when we're in the middle of that what we do you do if we can remember. He probably we didn't want to completely think is how we sing songs during the week about the romance phase, which moves to the reality phase was moved to the renovation phase you know and what I was teaching that reminded me of a Stevie wonder song which we all knew became a commercial I just called to say the view that you know that after a while could be six months could be six minutes but you get the reality.

It's like I just called to say I'm wondering renovation phases. At some point you decide I just call to say I'm going to change you are laughing because it's cute that it's every couple encounters is phases.

At some point every couple things can happen to we got some friends were joining us this weekend. Family life to Jackie and Savannah Bledsoe guys, welcome back. Thank you for Jackie and Savannah speak at our weekend. Remember marriage getaways along with us.

They live in Indiana. Parents of three children. They've written a book on the seven rings of marriage really talking in this book about phases or stages that we go through when you see there's kind of a predictable pattern that moves from romance to reality to renovation. Some of these things right. You know when we first hear this.

It was really just our mere story and there were so many couples let recording right now right there so we then after the fact, realized yes this is common for many couples to go through and what we learn from our own stories. Like early on in marriage. We thought if there was a tough season that was the completeness of our marriage.

This is were always going to be and we didn't know what was coming next. Don't know what to expect.

You don't know that the couple to start great Mike I will never be at that stage the couples that are in a mess alike will never be at that stage the good states and so when we realized there was something else that we can okay now what we do to continue growing. Some go through all these rings and just be more mature and more connected and it's however marriage really live in glory and honor to God. We talked earlier about the seven rings and about the fact that it starts with an engagement ring. You use that as a metaphor, then a wedding ring. What are the five that come after that.

As we work our way through this. Can you take us from engagement all the way through. Next after the engagement ring is a wedding ring and then you go to the discovery and that is typically when you're you come together major new emirs in your start to see things that you didn't see hearing date. Wondering, like what in the world and if were honest, would I be like a good like Steph and said did I make the right decision to saying yes to this. And so that this discovering is an amazing and enlightening state to normal. Yeah, I think most of us show up in marriage with our best representative in the dating phase and in then as you get comfortable and you begin to recognize who you have life you begin to question you now denied.

Had I known this.

Here's what I think happens we we come into marriage with an incomplete picture in the other person we know certain things and things we know we really like the things we don't know yet that we didn't. I mean, you can't know somebody fully in the engagement or even in the early years of marriage. These things that we don't know yet about the other person we fill in the blanks with what we assume is the best act this way. I'm sure you think this way. I'm sure this is going to be how you and then you get into marriage and go oh, it's not the way I expected you to me that's the discovering phase where we go. You're different than I thought you were going to be.

I expected that if this ever happened. You would do this.

Rather, I know that when we were engaged. I really thought we think so purposeful. We have shared everything with each other.

I know you inside and out to any of us really know each other inside and out until we've lived with one another while of course you can see things Dave and I have used it as an illustration that we stand with one another as were speaking and we just have all the suitcases lined we think that we've unloaded all the suitcases are so many that are hidden to those that are hidden because you don't think you're purposefully just not aware of it until the other person, and I would say to even things that were really good at the beginning of princes like this.

What was once appealing, can become appalling. It's a simple thing that you really were attracted to an office is like that is kind of annoying right now but I don't have any talk a lot about the way I organize things and that was great and look great as an attractive bachelor but then one of them is like everything doesn't always have to be clean all the things that I remember saying to him.

I never have met a person that has more pet peeves.

Everything is up at the earlier you thought what I loved it. His car always smelled good, organize, there was a place for everything in the car. It was great. I was like you are so laid-back.

It's an amazing dining times and high strung and you just make me kill Martin. Here's the principle there every strength is overused becomes a weakness in the same way. I think it's good for husbands and wives to recognize that thing that you see in your spouse that you would go that's a weakness there is a hidden strength there that's being overused.

So Marianne has high standards about things. That's a strength when she over uses it. She develops a critical spirit. That's a weakness. Dave is relaxed and easy-going. That's a strength when he over uses it its passivity. Every strength has a corresponding weakness when it's overused and what happens in marriages those strengths that we were attracted to.

We start to see them up close more regular or they get overused and we go know that I wanted.

Not that much salt in the stew.

I wanted a little less of that line here is I would take it to the next step on. I would think it's in my job to help you to personally help you not be supreme question you bring up your book should we try to change your spouse can we start to see those as our first thought is, you know, I just called the Sam to change his move. I deftly think it's not going to change that adult person that we married. I think it's more an opportunity for us to grow into recognize that the Lord made him just the way he made him and if I can see those things in him as strength then I will be better off if and how did you do that because he talked about that was really bothering you. So what's what changed it was really prayer it was time with the Lord. Honestly, I'm just asking him to see myself first. You know that I'm not always see flaws in him because I'm not perfect and I know that so asked in the Lord to help me to have grace in my relationship with him. That's one of the beauties of the discovering as well, accidentally find a summary things and when we started when we also find a stuff about ourselves so and going back to the foundation rely on Christ in prayer he will start to reveal you when you start what your spouse can change the lineup with your idea of what they're supposed to do or not to do this is one thing we did couples to do is we want you to be intentional about that discovery and so if you're just going to have sex early on is accidental, but then you like okay growing were going to change over five, 10, 15 years of marriage individually. But how do you become intentional about continuing to grow closer and learn who your spouse is Stefan is not the same person that I made it into thousand one. I'm deftly not the same person and we try to figure out how to we continue to learn. That was the habits that we can do to continue to figure out so we don't drift apart that you know we just we can grow apart.

We do, I don't really know him. I don't really know her dad becomes something that we didn't intentionally do you find that this will include in your book. I've never seen this before. I don't know who Joseph Barth is marriage is our last best chance to grow up you don't ever think of it that way. One of the discoveries I think is universal only for right is you discover how selfish your spouses see his English and I can't believe he said selfish about Tim Keller.

The meaning of marriage. He says every couple has a three-part discovery. One my spouse's really selfish. Number two is selfish to number three there, much more so all I've been there and that is exactly happened with us as I saw him so selfish. I was very slow to see how selfish I will she has for me and you and all of us to grow up is that part where we go. You must also selfish, but I'm a lot more selfish if I don't ever recognize that it's a discovery about your spouse, but there's also this. I discovered this about me. I don't understand this were not going to go anywhere.

If I do discover I'm selfish I can change I DNS can change America is at selfish things you selfish thing you all are so show me that marriage is beautiful it's it's horrible, but as beautiful as you like this you know what you just said is key to that one you're speaking to her youngest child and only child you can imagine the level of cater to me as you go. Your spouse is selfish and you are selfish, but God starts to change and recognize you more than they'll say there's no way she's more selfish than me.

We can't really judge that.

But basically God starts to put the focus back on you like.

Here's what you can do. You can't look at her for everything that goes wrong, you can't look at him for everything that goes wrong I want to show you you and when we get to that is not it's really just him working on us know we can't say well how we handle the selfishness.

God is going to focus on you and you will make you change whether you like it or not and if his lungs are submitting to him. That's why the foundation's (every single ring. We point back to the foundation because that is going to direct us during that season of our marriage that whatever challenges were facing whatever highs and lows and everything in between. But he will work on you individually as he works in your spouse individually to talk to the wife, who is been diligently praying for her spouse. She feel like I have been serving him, trying to see the best in him for 25 years and he still saying he's now there is no interaction.

He's asking you because so many women has been has no desire to really work on their marriage. He is fine and she just keeps going is presenting Jesus. How would you encourage I think the first thing I would do is acknowledge it is tough. It's not an easy thing to do but if we will surrender all of what we are dealing with to the Lord.

He will give you the grace to walk through that and I just remember a season where he gave me a Scripture and I literally wrote it on a note card so that I could put it on my dashboard so that I could put it over the sink wherever I frequently work was spending my time I would see that reminder to me and it was on Galatians 6 and nine and it said do not grow weary in well doing for at the proper time, you will reap a harvest if you do not give up and in that season that was just a great reminder that he sees me that regardless of what is happening between Jackie and I the Lord has not forgotten me and that I need to continue to spend my time knowing that and reminding myself with that, I saw the Scripture everywhere that she literally had engraved on her iPad so she said she had everywhere.

Everywhere she put it, she had a saucing that everybody seen no effect.

That season, and all seasons is, pushed her through mess she's continue to deal with whatever we go through and it is interesting that this thought we often say that we can't change our spouse. God does that. And Anna Nieves been on stages hundreds of times and literally said those words don't try change your spouse is God's job just change you.

I still hundred percent agree with that but at the same time as you discover things about yourself and what your spouse God wants to use us as a vehicle or instrument to help our spouse become like Christ. So if there's a belief I sit on the couch watching some Indians in the kitchen and the much and some that her brother and I have a common relationship with the person that was playing in this game, the sport game and and says to me hey you should call my brother Jim and talk to about this at halftime because Jim would love to hear you know when you're done now. I gotta be honest if you said that to me 20 years ago I be likely tell me to do what you tell me to call somebody you try to change me are trying to, you know, but she has believed in me for so many years and spoken life to me and trusted me and love me that when she said it wasn't a condemnation it was. It was a night that made me want to go. She's right. So in some ways I look alike unchanged, and God did this he did it because she spoke enough life and belief in me that I didn't see it as a harsh word anymore like I hate how you don't think this way. It was just like an encouragement. I pick up the phone.

He's like give you call me man I love and argue about this and I want to go in that it was my idea.

Without that little prodding, but I thought does use our spouse to change as we do it in a way that is received by Russia. So if you're talking to a couple in the discovering phase of marriage and there discovering things where they go. This is not what I hope for. This is not what I expected.

What's their best strategy in that phase of marriage how to get through that.

You just keep your mouth shut and praying the Scriptures over your house or do you confront things. What you do. I think it starts with that conversation with your spouse.

Recognizing that person while you're on the same team that you're not trying to hurt them and you say that I think you do. I think you do. You have to have that safe place to have conversations that may be more difficult.

We call it speaking the truth in love and so you might even quote that saying I need to have a moment to speak the truth in love to you so that that can be prefaced in and received, but I do think you have to have those conversations and into be able to say you're not perfect. I still love you illustration pastor counseled us with that helps you get a perspective on what's happening and I think that's one thing that will tell couples is okay, here's a perspective uses a hammer and a chisel. As illustration and is making sculpture so there's a good guy creating something God is yielding a hammer.

Sometimes you are that the chisel and sometimes you're the hammer on the hammer gospel use me to hit Stefan as a chisel to make this thing that he try to create in us together this marriage, and sometimes a flip-flop. She's a hammer, so got still yielded so he uses both of us to create something greater in mayors that we would have no idea but is hurt. It hurt sometimes it's painful if you're hammer your you're kidding, you still in some pain you're getting some contact near the chisel death of you getting hit by something hard, everything will time is like this is uncomfortable.

Laura sounds terrible, but the outcome is beautiful, which is what you are able to recognize were aiming for something that is bigger and more beautiful and so you go through some painful. But doesn't the Bible tell us that suffering uses that when we press truth have never forgotten somebody we have a family like today. Years ago who said in the state of Oklahoma. They had done some surveys they want to people who had filed for divorce, but had not gone through with it. So whatever state there are people who trial for whatever reason, don't go through with it. So they went to these people at least five years after they had filed and they said to them today. How would you rate your marriage on a scale of 1 to 5 with five being the best ever and 1B and terrible, and 83% of the people who had filed for divorce five years or more earlier said our marriage is a four or five couples who had persevered through the hard times. This is really you go from the discovering phase to the persevering phase. It's the couples who persevere in the hard times will get through them.

Get out on the other side and say were in a better place we've grown, we've learned that the hammer and the chisel did its work. We got something more beautiful more warriors here often times it's just couple saying okay, let's get through this together, and there can be glory. On the other side. I think all of us would agree. Our marriage looks nothing like it did at the beginning and it is made through those hard moments, the chisel and hammer that his form something and are we glad that marriage is like you glad in a moment. I am so thankful that God can use those tough times and the easiest thing to do and walk out like it's so hard to say that I can feel how hard it was that it's never hard now but it was like unbearable at times and never be happy to have what I thought we would have dreamed the visions they just seem unreachable. And you're like I'm equipped my parents could if I did the right thing on the same thing and I look now 40 years later and go home. :-) It was worth.

Sure this before, but there was a season in our marriage.

Early on we been married for five years. A variety of circumstances. We were living in the new city of the house I bought this house that Miriam had never seen before. It was just it was not a good season. She's pregnant with her second child. She's depressed, I'm coming home at night and wishing I didn't have to come home and I didn't want to come to this.

This wasn't the home. I was at work all day I come home she's miserable.

She's unhappy and I remember there was a night it was on the backyard and I was kicking dirt around in the backyard. You know, looking up just talking that the stars talking to God and just kicking the dirt and going. Here's the thought I had. I am not going to divorce because I can't and I won't shouldn't, but I understand what people want and to be in that place where you go I will be here to be in this this moment is not pleasant. Now I can look back on that, having been married come up on 42 years and go was that hard yeah did God work through that absolutely am. I'm glad work together today for a million, that I feel that way in the backyard. No, I just thought I want this moment. As this is unpleasant and that's again were back to the the enduring hardships which once you discover all it's not going be the way I thought it was good for you, then there will be some things you got to endure, but perseverance pays off talking and thinking.

I love every engaged couple here this conversation when you become reality if not can it be easy if not maybe what you think it'll be just like Mrs. wonderful only let it but it's more beautiful. It's the reality of marriage, I think that that is what I hope is is that couples will see that there are more rings and that they will be filled with hope that they can go through the hard rings and get to other rings.

I think that is that the point is that we didn't realize that there's more to this. We just thought this is where were going to be, and also that we were the weird couple going through this crazy couple of steps that were doing premarital counseling. I will say to couples. Now it's gonna be hard and Marion will say it's going to be great to be great to be great and would so we want couples to understand there's real greatness and joy.

You will love being married and there's gonna be some hard stuff. Maybe some of the hardest stuff you've ever faced as being yeah I know that there's a Christmas movie.

I want to watch every year and what is it she never wanted so I think it's called family and with Nicholas Tony recommended it to something that I would not recommend but it hits my heart because that again.

The whole gist of the thing is, you have Nicholas Cage's single man whose live in the life and New York's get the cars in the you know the penthouse suite and women and money and corporations, and it's a glimpse of movies like this is what might happen if you married your college sweetheart and they didn't. So they given this glimpse that he's married with two kids and little house in New Jersey and by the end of the movie. He is like this is what I miss every time I watch it I tear up because I think my mom that no one is like. They walked away from that and I was the son so I think it hits me probably stronger than most, because it's like I think couples lose the vision of what it can be if they hold on my persevere and they fight for their marriage there something that is beautiful and again.

It's hard really hard and never gets not hard and always can be difficult but to keep the vision that there's something worth fighting for. Walk away. Hang in here to keep the wedding ring on the Fife work is there something beautiful that I came see you on it and I were there. I think we all are. It's like we live in the vision we get a glimpse it's real and it's worth the key to it is holding on to Jesus you are holding on to him as were holding onto one and I think that's the key. Andrew Peterson, who wrote a song called family man. He says I'm a family man traded in my Mustang for many of them. This is not what I was headed for. When I began this was not my plan but it's so much better than that's the point. That's the vision you guys cast in the book, the seven rings of marriage and were making that book available to our listeners this week. Any family like today listener who can pitch in to help with the ongoing cost of producing and syndicating this daily program keeping our website up and operating all of the resources we produce the events that we host you make all of that possible when you say I like what family life is doing and I will see you continue. I think this is important for me for my family for our community. If you can say amen to that them go on our website today and make a donation or call one 800 FL today to donate to the ministry and ask for a copy of Jackie and Stephanie Bledsoe's book, the seven rings of marriage your model for a lasting unfulfilling marriage Qatar thank you gift when you donate today. Again, you can donate online@familylifetoa.com or call to donate one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today and by the way thanks to those of you get in touch with us and who donate. We really do appreciate hearing from you.

It's always nice to hear about how God is using family life to the in your life in your marriage and your family. So thank you for sharing that with us when you get in touch with us. Now I want to remind you about an event that we have coming up about three and half weeks from now on April 24 Saturday, it's the 2021 blended and blessed event hosted by Ron deal. It's for couples who are in blended marriages, blended families, or maybe you know somebody who is.

Maybe you have a ministry at your church, blended couples, you have a heart for helping blended couples.

This event is a one day online event to talk about how we can help strengthen the marriages and families of blended couples in our world.

There's more information about this one-day live stream event it's taking place again on Saturday, April 24 when you can go to our website family like today.com to find out more. If you're in a blended family or know someone who is pass this information along to them plan to join us on the 24th for the one day blended and blessed event and be sure to be with us again tomorrow when were going to talk about the outer rings of marriage about the phase we should all be aspiring to the stage of marriage where we are prospering and where we are mentoring others to hear more tomorrow from Jackie and Stephanie Bledsoe hope you can be with us as well.

Thanks today to our engineer Keith Lynch got some extra help from Bruce Goff again today and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson unpopular opinion will see you back next time for another edition of family life today.

Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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