Praying for Untangling

Some parents have experienced the disruptive impact that a new son-in-law or daughter-in-law can have on an extended family relationship.

Doyle Roth says that impact should not be discounted or minimized. What happens with this toxic person that now is affecting the entire family with their negative energy you know you have someone that is like this come into the family dining room and they suck all the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds, so the questions become what do we do when we're in a situation like that. This is family life today. Our hosts are Damon and Wilson about the pain. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com. What can we do or what should we do as parents if our son or daughter has married someone who is toxic is disrupting the family dynamic. Talk more about that with Doyle Roth today stay with us and welcome to family life to the thanks for joining us. I came home from elementary school.

One day, and then you could remember this was a true well this is one of those days I remember was a Tuesday afternoon and I dropped my books at the kitchen counter and said hi to my mom and she said well your sister got married today so that's one of those things that kinda get your attention like she eloped my oldest sister had been seeing a guy who my parents did not approve up and he had asked for their blessing and they had said we can't give it to you right now because he was unemployed, had been the college. I mean they were just looking at the pragmatic reality of your love is not going to sustain you when the bills, and we'd like to see a little more diligence, so they had said no we can't give our blessing right now and my sister and her boyfriend went to somebody the church and said will you marry us and that person said yeah knowing that mom and dad did not approve and not go back to that person of the church and say plan now right. That was the beginning of what was a tumultuous relationship what my parents saw I think were probably some I don't want to say they were just superficial flaws that they saw because I don't know any deeper than what can a job to see havoc in the future. Does he have I don't know what character issues they might've been concerned about time. Another friend who is daughter met her husband when both of them were in rehab and I remember that Deb look at and go on what's this future gonna be for both of them running Sherry and were talking about those hard situations that moms and dads face when you look at your kids who you love and you see them making choices about marriage, about relationships, and there are yellow flags or red flags flying maybe you see them early. Maybe you don't see them until after the I dues are "one of those mistakes is sitting right beside you, me, her dad and dad barred me from dating his daughter really said you will not date my daughter and he told and you will not date.

He will see I like Dave Wilson as an athlete, was a coat. He said that I don't like his reputation as a guide to date my daughter so you will not be dating him and he's going to be a senior in college you're going to be a freshman in college and season of marrying age and so I'm not going let this take place and did you say okay daddy I said he has a new reputation he'd like to see. He's like a new person.

You will even recognize in any said well we'll see about that. He came around, and here we are, or have ended up asking the coats of the football team said many think Dave Wilson would you let your daughter date and he said absolutely that he was a good coach well with you and he made $50.

We got a friend joining us this week to talk about how we navigate these. This is a great out of every area. Doyle Roth is with us on family life to the Doyle welcome back.

Thank you so very much. Doyle is a rancher.

He is an entrepreneur he lives on the front range in Colorado. He's been with us on family life to before he's written a new book called toxic sons and daughters-in-law untangling difficult relationships we've already talked about the fact that you were that difficult son-in-law when you married Nancy 55 years is a 757 years ago.

You are now the father of for the grandfather of 12 and the great grandfather of six flowers of that that sounds. And this is a subject that I know you you stepped into with a little bit of fear and trembling, but you been doing counseling with couples for decades now. Yes and these themes have been showing up over and over. Yes, it has its showing up more and more and I think some of the reasons for that are that families are breaking up more when you think in terms of the divorce rates both in Christian and non-Christian circles and those kids are growing up there don't have a real good understanding about what marriage is going to look like there can be a lot of issues and those families. I think they bring a lot of this baggage into the relationship with their wives or husbands, as the case may be, and certainly bring it in for moms and dads in law and they have to deal with this. They come with a lot of emotional anger, frustration with their previous parenting. It seems like to me there's a lot of that that just transfers over into the marriage well and we should not minimize the fact that most of them are coming into marriage after having become sexually active with my mother so you know that's right. Maybe with a history of sexual activity in their life, and there is no way to overestimate the significance of that kind of baggage coming into a marriage and what that can do know that's right. And I do a lot of premarital counseling. As you Dave you and into an IC in Christian young couples. A lot of that sexual activity that lays a bad foundation for them to grow in ICO, a lot of Christian young couples where one of them is new in the Lord because families put a lot of pressure, you can't marry this person because they're unsaved and all of a sudden they make a profession and then deny that profession just literally months I had one about's six months after the marriage said I don't believe any of that stuff anyway so there's reason for us as parents to be very concerned careful about these matters.

Doyle I got hit with a question that one of our weekend to remember marriage getaways. We had just done a session for the pre-married couples in the room and this couple came up to me and they said we got a dilemma.

Both of us are believers my parents.

This is the wife saying her parents were not believers, and her parents had said to her, if you marry him. We will cut you out of the family who you're not welcome for Christmas. We won't be there when the babies are born. It's your you're making a choice. It's either our family or its him and they said what do we do. I'll tell you what I told him, but I let's put you in that room with that couple come up to you. How would you counsel.

Well, that's manipulation and control and the parents part. I would never do that. I think that was putting themselves in the wrong place there. God is awfully small. God is bigger than that and they have to understand that his parents, that God may be doing something great. My kids lives that I'm not really understanding right now and parents do get very controlling and manipulative things like that and that's where the problems come later on within you know control is often out of fear were afraid and silly. You know you try to take care that by control, so they're still afraid you're saying don't control what can I do well they can pray. Yeah, they can pray to God have a big God. I mean, our God is large and in charge right and as soon as you get small and we get big because were putting these limits in these boundaries on things were and were in the wrong place. Spiritually, we got it we got a great big God. And I'd rather trust in the trust my own judgment guys look at that couple and I said, first of all you need to ask yourself the question, is there something that even my unbelieving parents are seeing about this relationship that were blinded to because it's possible that your parents who love you and know you may see something here and you gotta pull back and say, is there anything that gives us pause about our relationship with one another and then I said and then you have to count the very real cost you have to imagine it's five years from now and you just had your baby and you can't call and say it's a boy because I won't take the call and you have to calculate that in the said now it's the reality as it may be that your parents are being controlling and manipulative just like Doyle said. But that's a cost you have to count because you're making a choice today with the possibility that it's not going to get any better than this and so are you ready to cut yourself off from your legacy. That's a painful decision to make a night I had a chance to know this was yet five minutes to have these conversations and you want to know. Have they been this way about other relationships you had.

What are the concerns that they've seen her that they've expressed what have you tried to talk to them about.

You want all those kinds of diagnostics but I wanted this couple to no if this is what you believe God's calling you to in marriage.

There may be a cost to it. You gotta follow God and be obedient to that but count the cost before you then and I think a lot of couples especially for talking before marriage. If they hear somebody maybe a parent or somebody offer caution where they think they think that we all think all you know especially well I see a little bit of that to change them right and raised a little as none have been a real change. Once we get married talk about that is that heavenly King is no absolutely no change comes very hard. No, I think that is something that couples often explain to their parents why we want to move ahead with this. He's just recently or she's just recently become a believer. Yes, he's got a little bit of a drinking problem. But when we get married it will be different or he's on this particular drug or something is going to be different know he only does a little bit of pornography and that all and when were finally married.

All of those things are excuses and no there there inviting all sorts of troubles and say things like cavities promised me he'd made it out of me and well things we always try to help pre-married couples ministry for merit as well is a person's past is more important than their promise really is because you think of the past is there, but he made a promise and again promises are important valves are significant but you can't underestimate if there is a past look at it with the pattern. If you have any of pattern. I've said to young women pay careful attention to how your boyfriend treats his mother because someday he will treat you the same way he treats his mother if he is kind to her and helps her out then and supports her. He'll do that with you but if he's like mom will email what you have to be that way with you, don't you think that's true of Diffley to have him here family treasure. But what happens when he turns against them and starts limiting their involvement with kids.

What happens with this toxic person that now is affecting the entire family with their negative energy you know you have someone that is like this come into the family dining room and they suck all the positive oxygen out of the room in about three seconds to the family knows a whole dynamic of the family so the questions become what do we do when were in a situation like that because that's what's hard you know there's tons of books written on whether a mother and father should do this or that there's enough to fill the landfill. In this case there so many books like that mothers and fathers play an incredible role that is true, but they can become very legalistic. They can through fear and intimidation they can control their kids and that's part of their parenting model but when this child actually is in my family acting like that. What do I do when he comes in and the siblings detested him. The siblings don't care for him don't want to be fair I want to be around when you tell thosethat'swherethisbooklivesistryingtogetthefamilytogethertoencouragethesiblingstotrialtoDavesmile.Keepyourmouthshutbecausethemoreyouspeakthewords.ThisisgoingtogetyousaidyouwrotethisbookforthoseparentswhoarefacingthesekindsofsituationstocoachthemonhowtheycanbelikeJesusinthesesituationsandhowtheycangoagainstwhatmaybethere.Theirfleshlyimpulsestowanttocontrolortomanipulateortoengineerortofixeverythingthat'sadifficultplace,andyetyougobacktoGenesis224whereallofthisgetsstarted.AndthefirstthingoftheBiblesaysaboutmarriageisamanshallleaveleavehisfatherandmother.Thisissomethingwetalkaboutatourwecanremembermarriagegetawaysatacounselortoldmeonetimethathethoughtyoucouldtrace90%ofmarriageproblemsbacktoafailuretoleaveonthepartofthesunorthedaughterthatsomeemotionalorfinancialorsomekindofamysticaltiedtothatfamilyoforiginwasunderminingandsabotagingthisnewmarriageandIwatchthatandseenhowfamilyhistoryissosignificantininfluencingwhatthedynamicofthenewmarriagerelationshipisyouseenthathowabsolutelyandnexttoyourpointaboutwhatthepasthasbeenismoresignificantthanwhatwhatthepromiseagain.IknowandheandIwerefirstmarriedunderhowlongthiswenton,buteverytimewewouldgoseeherparents,whoIloveyouknowIwasthetoxicguythatherdadsaidMary.Andyet,overtheyearsandithappenedverysooninourmarriage.WebecamealmostbestfriendsandhedidseeChristisliterallychangethisyoungman'slifeandhe'ssomebodyIwanttomyfamily.Sohebecamemydadneverhadadadandhebecameveryclose,butthisleavepartwasreallyeasyformebecauseIcamefromabrokenfamilywithnodadandalcoholicparentsouthereyouknowIlove.Ican'twait.*Newlife.Itwasnotsoeasyforherbecauseshecancamefromawonderfulfamilyandsowewouldgovisitthatfamilyandherbrothersaregreatinthere.It'sjustthatit'swonderfulwegetinthecartodrivehomeandwefought15hoursunwittinglywithmyparentsandthatoftencouldbeginwithinthesamehometownwecomeback.IwasmortifiedoverhowDavetreatedmyparentswouldsaythingslikeyoukeepkeepmymomlikeyouhavetobemadetoherandmybrothersallthetime.Itwouldbeafighteverytime.NoneofthatwastruebecauseIwasperfect.Imean,IgetthepointwhereIdidn'twanttoseethemeventhoughIlovethembecauseofthedrivehomeandhere'swhatIfelt.Shehasn'tlefttherestillmoreimportanttoherthanIam.That'swhenIfeltthoughtofmeandhethatofcourseIcouldn'tseethatasbeingrudeandbeingsarcastic.Andthat'swhatIwasdoingandIwasIwasprobablyjealousofherrelationshipwiththemandsoIIYouHaven'tLeftThemin.That'sWhatBobSaidItWasaRealThinginOurMarriageThatI'mHereNumberOnePriority.NowNotYourMom,DadandYourBrothersAreMyNumberOnePriority.SotheQuestionIsYouKnowAsaParent,orEvenAstheSunandandDarla,HowDoYouDoIt.BobSaidHowYouTrulyBelieveandCleave.ThisIstheQuestionoftheCentury.Genesis2Well,IThinkThatIsanEmotionalThingThatYouHaveToDecideJustlikeYouSaidandYouAreFirst.ButThatDoesn'tExcusetheBehaviorThatYou'reDemonstratingtoMyMomandIaKnuckleheadIfYou'reGoingtoThreeThingsThatWillAlwaysValueIsBackonHisConversationIsover.KnowYouMakeaGreatPoint.IThinkThatJealousyIsOneoftheBigFactorsinFamiliesThatAreSuccessfullikeYoursandWherePeopleWishTheyHadaFamilylikeThatandtheHusbandIsReactingtoThemTryingtoPullThemAwayfromTheirBecauseHe'sInsecure.DaveorWhatever.IMeanItJustWorkslikeThatandThatMakestheTransitionforLeaveandCleaveEvenMoreDifficultBecauseHe'sTryingtoPullRatherThanJustInviteandItJustHappensNormallywithYourWife.Yes,IDidn'tHaveaLeaveandCleaveIssueRightandIDidn'tHaveaJealousyIssuewithHerandHerFamily.IWasJustaKnuckleheadlikeDaveJustWantedMyWay.IWasaSelf-Righteous,Self-CenteredYoungManThatWantedMyOwnWayandIWantedMyWifeNancytoBewithMeandThatWasProbablyMoreInsecureandThanAnythingandThatJustCreatedanAwfulThingforMyPoorMotherandFatherWantstoKnowforMarianneandMe.WeWouldDriveHomefromEarlyVisitstoMyFolksandMarianneWouldSayYou'reDifferent.WhenWerewithYourPeersandThisThisWaswithMikeNotwithHerParentswithMyParentsWhatYouHearHimWhatSheWasPointingoutWasWhenIWouldGoBackHomeIWouldStarttoActlikeIHadActedGrown-UponFallingintoPatternTimeI'mBackintheHouse.I'mBackwithMyMomandDad,I'mBacktoActinglikeI'mTheirSon,RatherThanActinglikeI'mHerHusbandWhenI'mAwayfromMyParentsWhenI'mwithHer.I'mHerHusbandandsoThat'saDoneItbutIGoBackHomeandI'dStarttoBeThereSonAgainsoIDidn'tHaveAnyEmotionalProblem,LeavingMyParents,butThereAreStillStringsandTiesandPatternsandHabitsThatWeDon'tEvenKnowAreThereSitesandI'mNoDifferentAsYouGoYeahAreYouActThisWayYouDoThatI'dStartedtoSeeYeahThisIsJustIngrainedinMeintheSubconscious.IDidn'tKnowIWasDoingItWhenSheBroughtIttotheSurface.ICouldSeeItandICouldRecognizeWhenIGoHomeI'mNotGoingHome.IsThereSomethingMore.IStillRespectThemandHonorThem.That'sAppropriateforMetoDo,butI'mNowHerHusbandandThat'sthePriorityRelationship.That'sRight.AndSometimesWhenTheyGointotheHomelikeYourSpeaking,TheyAreMoreComfortableinThatEnvironmentandTheyPlaywithTheirSiblings.TheyGooutShootBaskets,andinEssenceTheyIgnoreTheirWivesRight.TheyIgnoreOurDaughterNotComplainaboutTheirHusbandstoComeBackinTherePlayingVideoGamesAgainIgnoringtheBrothersAgain.SoWhenAnythingThatYouSayinYourBook,WhichIThoughtWassoGoodYouTalkaboutaTimeforPrayerforParents,forThatParentsofTheseIn-LawsYouSayJustlikeGoingSlowWhileBreakingaCourseIDon'tMeanThatEveryGaintheSamewithSonsandDaughtersinLaw,YouMustMovePatiently,SlowlyandRespectfullyAre.TheJobWillBeIncreasinglyMoreDifficultandThisIsWhenYouGetintoSanguinePrayforChristlikeResponsetoYourFeelingsandEmotionstoPrayforaPositiveAttitude.Three.PrayforPatiencefor,PrayforProtection.Five.PrayforHeartChangeinSixPrayforStrengthtoTrustGod.ThoseAreGoodPracticalStepsThatWeCanTake.IThinkWeGetsoFearfulofLosingOurKids.NoRightofLosingIreneKidsThatWeKindofTakeThingsOutOfPerspectiveandWeDisconnectfromOurSpiritualConvictionsWereWereChristianPeopleWerePeopleWhoReallyTrusttheLord.WeDoPrayGodIsBiggerThanOurEvents.He'stheOneThatControlsAllThoseThingsandWeLeavePrayerOutOfTheseThingsandWeTurnintoSortofSpiritualMonstersandGetAngryWeGetFrustrated.OurGodGetsSmallerandWeGetBiggerandItJustDoesn'tWorklikeThatWhenYou'reinaSituationwithaVeryDifficultSonorDaughterinLawJustDoesn'tWork.It'sWhatYouSayintheBook,ItIsn't.PrayOneDayItRight.PrayPatientlyIt'sGoingtoTakeaLongTimeinYourStoreIsYourIn-LawsGaveYouGrace.MyStoryIsAnn'sParentsLoveMeThat'sRightGaveMeGraceforYears.IGuessIDidNotChangeinaYear.ItWasClosetoaDecadeProbablyMaybeLynnWouldSaytoDickRightbutYouKnowIWasStillSortofaJerkWhenIGetaroundandIThinkItattheHeartofaSitterLessInsecureandIWasJealous.INeverHadThisFamilyandInsteadofRelishingandCherishingIt.IWasFeelinglikeItWasAnne'sFallandTheyPrayedandTheyLovedandGaveGraceIDon'tRememberThemEverOnceandYouBeingaJerkRightonItSeminationalSaidtheTruthSometimesbutTheyJustPatientlyMyScheduleChangeMeAsIWouldSayIsItApparent.Don'tGiveup.Don'tGiveup,GetonYourKneesafterCritiquingYoutoMeafterNotOneTimeDidTheySaySomethingNegativeaboutDaveHardDayattheBeginningIWould'veJumpedonThatWould'veBeenHardEasilyLookingforaFootholdThat'sRunningsoIfTheyWould'veSaidSomethingNegative.IWould'veProbablyGoneBackandAskingandThenItCouldHaveLedMetothePlaceofMaybeIShouldn'tHaveMarriedHim.TheThingThattheEnemyCanDoAsWell.IftheParentsHaveSaidSomethingNotKids.Later,IfThey'reHavingDifficulty.ThereProbablyThinkingMyParentsWereProbablyRight.ISaidofMary,10,andICanPutUsinaToughSpot.ExactlyThisIsWhereIThinktoHaveSomeOngoingCoachingtoHaveaBookliketheOneYouBrittonDoyleIsAlmostEssentialforUsAsParentsinLaw,EspeciallyforFacingAnythingChallenginglikeThistoBeAbletoBePointedto.ThisIsHowYouPrayonThisIsWhatYouSayandThisIsWhatYouDon'tSayWe'reMakingYourBookAvailableThisWeektoFamilylikeTodayListersWhoCanHelpwithaDonationtoSupporttheOngoingWorkofThisMinistry.Doyle'sBookIsCalledToxicSonsandDaughtersinLaw,UntanglingDifficultRelationshipsintheBookIsOurGifttoYou.IfYouCanHelpExtendtheReachofFamilyLifewithaDonationToday.YourDonationsGotoHelpCovertheCostofProducingandSyndicatingMakingThisProgramAvailableinAllKindsofChannelsthroughAllKindsofOutletsPeopleAreNowHearingFamilyLifetoaIsaPodcastontheFamilylikeMobileAppTheirListingtheFamilylikeTodaybyTellingAlexatoPlayFamilylikeTodayManyofYouAreStillListingonYourLocalRadioStation.YouMakeAllofThisPossiblealongwiththeExtendedWorkofFamilyLife.WhenYouMakeaDonationTodayandAgain.We'dLovetoSendYouaCopyofDoyleRoth'sBook,ToxicSonsandDaughtersinLawAsOurGiftWhenYouDonate,YouCanDonateonline@familylifetoa.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate again. The website is family life to a.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. Be sure to ask for your copy of the book, toxic sons and daughters in law, by Doyle Roth. When you donate to support the ministry that tomorrow we want to dig into whether we should try to confront a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law who is disrupting family harmony will be with us again. I hope you can be here as well. Think our engineer Keith Lynch will get some help again today from Bruce Goff on behalf of our entire broadcast production team and our host Steven M.

Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. See you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope tomorrow