Real Love: Making A Fresh Start

There are a lot of attitudes a lot of actions that can be real love killers intermarriage the Bible identifies many things like rudeness, irritability, resentment, or any of those things true about you.

This is family life today hosts are David and Wilson and Bob Payne can find a sum on the family life today.com how can we identify whether we listen irritability and resentment are part of our marriage relationship and what can we do to rid herself of those kinds of toxic attitudes talk more about that today, save us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us so I'm guessing in the some states, some parts of the country.

It can be a very different Valentine's Day than it has been before. For others, right. I mean, probably some folks not going out for dinner.

I can be very different so both love going out for dinner and we have been out to do it in Michigan. So what you do if it's Valentine's Day and you can't go out for dinner help a couple here who's thinking we want this to be special. We got kids at home. We can't go anywhere. What we do days is going to cook is never cut that can happen. Thank you have a big day for what would be fine. Now we should cook together that could fun tech, I find that we do that in 2022 with this Valentines we order in your body. Remember them Mother's Day.

When I think is Mother's Day, but I'm in Austin and I created this table with the cloth is home anyway.

You know my middle son Austin did it with me and you know that they're married and gone and they have kids and now it's me and you and I'm going to do that.

I'm telling you all dried up. All account and I am going to make a most romantic Valentine's Day you've ever experienced in your entire life, you win of the PF Chang's. We thought that with Valentine's Day coming we ought to recalibrate our thinking when it comes to love because Valentine's Day is all about romance. It's all about passion. It's all about Dr. Gary Chapman calls the tingles and we all like the tingles but there's more to love than just the tingles strike really.

It's a sexy to last very long thing. We found out later here sounds the tingles for me, will I spent time last year working on a book called love like you mean it. Yes, you created a video series from love like you mean it, and the whole purpose of this book was to say, we need to be thinking more biblically about love, rather than just letting then the tingles will I like the tingles. I'm a fan of the tingles, but you can't build a marriage that lasts off the tingles. You gotta have a stronger foundation underneath that. So we looked at first Corinthians 13 and what the Bible has to say about love and the description includes a number of things that love is and then other things that love is not an among that list three things that love is not. It's not rude it's not irritable and it's not resentful, but does not keep a record of wrongs. You can't have a thriving love relationship.

If you're rude to one another. If you're irritable with one another and if you're always holding on to resent who I know writing this so if you're getting ready for Valentine's Day on rudeness and irritability and resentment around it. I can be a good Valentine's Day and we thought why don't we just help folks today with a little recalibration will listen to an excerpt from a love like you minute video series. Here couples interacting because we invited couples into share some of their stories with us and then you'll hear as I unpack this passage from first Corinthians 13, so let's listen to super just a minute that all of us are still single. I know most of us are married. Some of your single headed toward marriage but just assume were still single.

Think back to when you were single. What qualities did you find most attractive in members of the opposite sex or think about your spouse. What was the first attracted okay. I thought her voice is all me long time man, first thing when it would that would take me back to the seventh grade.

I first I I actually was attracted to the story of you, but my heart just kind of like that that's kinda how I am. I need to meet this person.

She was very attractive and she always had a really nice to me and I just him always and always joking. Just always just fine and fully energy tall thanks think on our first date. It was talk about the Lord that really was first-half and attractive other self loan process treatment is like orange glow around one out with a handsome guy, but it was just the way that he cared for me with what was I was attracted to her professionalism, the sexy, respectful, let me help you in a corporate way. Oh that's easy one for me. He's a total gentleman she is. She just caught my we talked on the phone a few times since you write a paper. Sometimes her paper was due. The next was due the next day and I just get that back on my days later, said how to do a term paper.

She said got a said that's who my children to me like you. She's seeking to be brave. We met online and her username online was John Calvin girl.

So if you move John Kevin was, you probably had a little Ian with her so, but I knew and that was something that drew me to her and really pretty smile is on calendar years younger than him, so I reported no think about this. Most of the things that we found attractive. When we first noticed somebody's postings were pretty superficial because we didn't know very much about that person. We just know what we saw or what we first heard when we first got to know them. For some of you were friends for a long time before you started to become attracted to one another inch and maybe you were attracted by deeper, more substantive things, but that's not my story. My story was when I first met Marianne I was attracted on more of a surface level.

We were at a retreat together and we were standing in line for dinner first night of the retreat, she was a few people back behind me.

I was in conversation with somebody else in the line and that the girl I was in conversation with said she was a junior or senior and she was talk to me and found I was a freshman. She said you're just a freshman I said yeah I thought you were a junior or senior course. I was puffed up by that Marianne apparently overheard this a few minutes later she said, so your freshman I said yeah what you think I was fishing here thinking she got say oh I thought you were a graduate student, but she said… Maybe you're a sophomore that I remember two things.

First of all I like your smile. Check.

She had an attractive smile. Secondly, collector's funkiness and and then I like the way she looked in that red T-shirt she was wearing that Arkansas Razorback red T-shirt. She so smile's funkiness and style T-shirt stylesheet look good in that T-shirt pretty superficial reasons for being attracted to another person.

I don't know what's on your list. What what you would say first attracted you to your spouse or what you find attractive and people of the opposite sex, but I can pretty much guarantee there are three things that are nobody's list and are three things that are mentioned in the Bible as being the opposite of love.

The Bible says love is not rude. It's not irritable and it's not resentful and and think about nobody's ever said, but what really attracted me to that other person was just how rude they are.

Or, I love how irritable this person was sort. I just love how full of resentment. This person was.

Those are unattractive features for any of us those.

Those are love killers in a relationship. Let's define our terms are so rudeness what is rudeness. It's more than just a lack of politeness. Rudeness is when we treat another person as though we are more important than their twin. We demonstrate through our actions and our words that we think were superior to someone else. One Bible teacher I know put together a list of what qualifies as rude behavior. He said it's inconsiderate talk or disregard for other people's time. Taking advantage of others.

A lack of tact or empathy, ignoring the contributions or ideas of other people running roughshod over other people's plans or their interests inappropriately behaving with members of the opposite sex basic discourtesy or a general disregard for proper social conduct lead people are often focused on how the behavior of others affects them, but they pay virtually no attention to how their behavior affects other people. And it's not possible to be rude and loving simultaneously to cancel one another out. Let's talk about irritability. My mom used to talk about people who were touching. She did mean people who were touchy-feely or who put their hands on other people she met people who were easily provoked, you have to be careful how you acted around them or what you said they would become quickly irritated. You've heard the expression walking on eggshells or you have to be really careful that you're not going to annoy another person because they are easily triggered or set off. That's a person who's irritable and then somebody who has resentment is somebody who holds onto an offense won't let it go back. The Bible has an interesting way of expressing it. The word that is translated resentment in some versions of the Bible literally means to come up wrongs against another person to keep a record of wrong's that's what it means to hold on to resentment. So one of the biggest issues I was saying in our marriage is Friday.

She was used to. My bar was like she got where I came from an area of very conscious about what I'm buying and looking at what I'm buying and researching recently.

We just made a very large purchase about camp.

She went about some $25 put on the back wall of the backsplash youth camp and like really really good condition. Like, yeah, looks like they never use the left everything except the fabric don't like that little wallpaper strip that they have in the back of the backsplash and so I did my $25 stickers to stick the backsplash thinking is there only four of them and I needed like six packs because it was only four stickers for $25 ticket. She did take a bit. She saw my face when I was a long, confident understanding right arm in the beginning I was six years ago we would have all L argument over the state not to put the stickers for he saw them. That way I would think McBride where one is always happy as it is in our relationship and our marriage for one action turn into housing actions. We never got the issue. There was a hand because we were too busy talking about everything you want to discussing what with a hand which is the finances we used to be focused on our you write in my writing and I can't say that Your Honor finances on a farm like 16 other things that you did, 17, two things ago. She was really really good timestamp mail really really bad time so it made me very angry because she had always tries to keep account and became his tit-for-tat images caused so much issues that know it cancel points where we got some great advice from our past. He told her that we need to pray for each other. We need to learn how to put God first in our relationship and that's the one thing that we have kept to this day is that when we feel things are starting to get off balance in our relationship with things and I want to what is supposedly a quick reality because only God can do those changes in mold those things that we need to do to each other for anything. Eugene Peterson's paraphrase of the Bible. The message says love puts up with anything that doesn't keep a record of wrongs. It puts up with anything.

So rudeness, irritability and resentment.

These are love killers.

These are things we need to focus on if we want love to thrive in a marriage relationship and diagnostic questions here. Are you a real person would. When your spouse say you can be a rude person would your kids say that when friends say that about you. Are you easily provoked, are you and irritable person. Are you somebody who stores up resentment who has a hard time letting go. When somebody is appended to do you keep a record of wrongs. At the end of the day when a deal with these issues, we can't just deal with the behavior we have to get to the root of the issue were not just trying to correct how you act were trying to get to what motivates your actions to your heart, rudeness and irritability and resentment are just manifestations of a deeper heart issue so let give you a roadmap for how we deal with some of these stubborn behaviors. These deep-seated heart issues that manifest themselves as habits over time, rudeness and irritability and resentment. First thing you have to do to address these is you have to name you have to call them what they are. Don't try to sugarcoat them, don't try to minimize them, but the Bible names to these behaviors.

You have to be able to say that was rude when I do that I'm being irritable or on being easily provoked, I'm I'm being resentful. I'm keeping a record of wrongs. Name the behavior for what it is and then secondly, you have to acknowledge that these these attitudes. These behaviors are more than just some unpleasant part of your personality. It's not well this is just the way I am.

No, these are these are simple patterns in your lights we have to call them what they are lifted call them out sick this is. This is not just a part of my personality. This is an offense before God with the name these things as a sin against him which leads to the third thing anytime you identify a simple pattern in your life.

We have to confess that we have to agree with God that that's simple pattern is wrong, that we are offending his goodness and his holiness. When we manifest those behaviors or when we harbor those attitudes in our heart.

So, name them, identify them as soon agree with God that it's sin that needs to be rooted out and then develop a game plan for how you're going to address these issues. How are you break some of these habits of the heart, you have to do some introspection here.

But what triggers me what prompts me to be rude.

What causes me to be irritable. Why do I hang onto resentment dig around in there and and say what's really going on in my heart that causes these things to happen and if there are things that trigger you can you avoid some of those things so that you're not triggered until you learn how to exercise some self-control in these areas. There's a final step in this is really a key for really to get to where we want to go and get rid of rudeness and irritability and resentment.

We can't just try to chase them away. We have to replace them with godly characteristics like kindness, compassion, humility, gentleness, meekness, patients Colossians chapter 3 verse 12 says after we put off the wrong behavior were to put on these kinds of godly characteristics we should cultivate in our own heart. Instead of being rude. How can I be kind instead of being irritable.

How can I be compassionate and instead of being resentful. How can I be forgiven so we don't just try to put off the bad. We have to learn how to put on new behaviors that are ultimately spirit generated in our lives. We have to ask God to grow in us fruit of the spirit that will replace these habits of the heart that destroy love in a marriage relationship to time in our marriage where we've lived with and the first thing was whenever we first got married.

Time was whenever we were starting to raise missionary support here and have it was really exciting for me to feed my kids are getting into ground grandpa whenever we moved I would be in certain places in have been bad memory of the beginning of our marriage and I remember those things and late*& in my heart says. Then I went to Bonnie.

Hey, this is something I'm struggling with not knowing that that was lingering in the past. Every little space that she remembers the filter was to give her some new memories before we move out of their he had promised me one night and he's not so we got her bedroom and he picks in music. He took me in his arms and started giving me.

He said something that I just backed up and I said now are going to start making new memories when rudeness your ability and resentment are present in your marriage.

Love cannot flourish when you begin to replace those attitudes and behaviors with new attitudes new habits of the heart. You can see love begin to grow and flourish in your marriage. Love is not rude.

It's not irritable. It's not resentful, are you rude or irritable or resentful.

We been listening to an excerpt from a love like you mean it video series X or are an expert excerpt will we been listing to exit was getting my toes re-stepped on. You guys have got understand when I went through this passage and wrote the book love like you made it, and then worked on the video series.

People will say all this is convicting my goat. I was there first. I was the one getting convicted first because you can't go to this passage without gone I come up short in a lot of these areas. It is such a beautiful beautiful picture love but as you read it you like while who can do it you know and you sorta said nobody. God has to do it in you term irritable. Okay, that's super convicting. Not that I wish I like what I think for me the turning point in our marriage was when I started to recognize that you can't just put off the bad stuff. You gotta learn how to put on the right stuff. So it's not just stop being rude, it's now be kind. Now, be polite. Now be gracious to somebody else and thought to stopping your double it's now be sensitive to another person uncaring about the other person. That's what we have to learn how to cultivate. I think it's learning how not to let someone else determine your own mood and that's really really hard is as you think about other things that Paul wrote in the New Testament. He said put off the old and put on the new self. I mean I can get rid of irritability for about three minutes and then it's right back in less I replace it with who I am in Christ. There is power in the Holy Spirit of God that I got allowed to transform me or I'll slip right back quickly and you try to have romantic moment or romantic evening of Valentine's Day where you come together with some expectation when you're trying to express your love for one another. If there is this ongoing undercurrent of rudeness or irritability or resentment.

That's to show up. I mean I'm thinking about your 10th wedding anniversary and how you're trying to have a romantic evening, but there were issues there that just got in the way of trying to connect as a couple. That's what I was thinking when you are talking that it's not just having a good day or a great Valentines day because I don't know what manner like that.

I'm still thinking about two days ago when a month ago.

I'm thinking this year has been really hard and our relationship his rent been really difficult.

So one day doesn't necessarily fix it just like our 10 year anniversary date and I think if you get the Valentine's Day and you think okay we have been a tough place.

I don't think you just throw in the towel and say what we can't do Valentine's Day, but I think you can go into it saying you know what been a tough year we've not been where we want to be, but let's make this the day if they hadn't put in that effort.

Five. Valentine's Day. I don't know if the conversations would've taken place that really transformed our entire marriage yeah and I think Valentines can be, in some ways like New Year's for a couple like a new starting point. Make this day a day. We start over some romance resolutions hello good idea. Well, I hope all those resolutions for couples might be that they would get together with other couples and all of them together go through the new love like you made a video series that you've heard a portion of today there are 10 sessions in this series but it's really designed so that you can pick the sessions that you need to focus on. We think everybody to go through session while in session 10. But the ones in between. You can focus in on what you need to concentrate on if you don't have time for all 10 just asked the question about patients or kindness or tenacity or honesty.

All of the different aspects of real love that come from first Corinthians chapter 13 the love like you mean it video series is now available.

We got couples were doing this online together. Couples who are meeting in small groups to go through this content go to family life today.com to find out more about the love like you mean it video series, and if you have not yet gotten a copy of the book love like you mean it that's available as well that family life today.com. In fact, if you've read it, and you haven't gone to Amazon on left review do that help us out. Help other people find out about the book again. It's called love like you mean it video series by the same name. Find out more about all of these resources when you go to family life today.com or call if you have any questions, one 800, FL, today is our number like order by phone again. It's one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today or again, you can order online@familylifetoday.com tomorrow to talk about what the Bible means when it says that love bears all things, and believes all things, endures all things that happen we put up with anything that mean that we should be gullible in marriage to talk more about real love tomorrow. Hope you can tune in and be part of that with us think our engineer today.

Keith Lynch, with some help this week from Justin Adams on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life today. Family life today is the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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